Successfully Single Class

SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE:
A SIX-WEEK CLASS
LisaAllred, LCSW
Senior Program Manager, SASWork/Life

SUCCESSFULLY SINGLETOPICS
Week One: Single by Death, Divorce, Delay or
Design
WeekTwo: Letting Go
WeekThree: Connections and Boundaries
Week Four: Self-Care
Week Five: Preparing to Date
Week Six: Dating

SUCCESSFULLY SINGE:
WEEK ONE
Single by Death, Divorce, Delay and Design
LisaAllred, LCSW
SASWork/Life

ALL RELATIONSHIPS END.
SINGLEHOOD IS ALMOST
NEVER CHOSEN, AT LEAST
INITIALLY.
Singling by John Landgraf

•Pain
•Anger
•Crisis
•Grief
•Dependency
•Failure
•Prelude, interlude or
postlude
•Not a choice
•Grief
•Releasing your mate
•Thinking single
•Conquer fear
•Make friends
•Overcome cultural
messages
Design Death
Divorce
Delay
or
Default
PATHS TO BECOMING SINGLE

Singlehood is a state of existence, a way of being. It is a
condition of encouraging, affirming, and maintaining one’s
integrity as a self. It is being willing –and learning how- to
become increasingly self-aware, self-preserving, self-
affirming, self-fulfilling, and autonomous (self-governing).
It is taking responsibility for one’s own well-being (total
health and wholeness). It is making decisions for one’s
own life.”
Singling by John Landgraf

PATHSTO BECOMING SINGLE
Death
Divorce
Delay or Default
Design

PATHTO BECOMING SINGLE: DEATH
 Grief: process after death of a spouse can take 3-5 years
 Releasing your mate:What are the advantages of
embracing a relationship that is no longer available to me?
 What are the disadvantages of letting go of that which is
gone?
 Thinking single: learning to provide for yourself what was
formerly provided by your mate; taking inventory of your
internal and external resources

PATHTO BECOMING SINGLE: DIVORCE
 Grief: process after death of a spouse can take 3-5 years
 Releasing your mate:What are the advantages of
embracing a relationship that is no longer available to me?
 What are the disadvantages of letting go of that which is
gone?
 Thinking single: learning to provide for yourself what was
formerly provided by your mate; taking inventory of your
internal and external resources

PATHTO BECOMING SINGLE: DELAY OR
DEFAULT
Failure to do something one is supposed to do
An unavoidable prelude, interlude or postlude
to “normal” living
Don’t choose to be single b/c no sane adult
would

PATHTO BECOMING SINGLE: DESIGN
Singling skills must be learned, non-single skills
are innate
Conquer fear of being alone
Learn to make friends
Overcome cultural messages and other
obstacles

Material for today’s class
from Singling: A new way to
live the single life by John R.
Landgraf

WEEK TWO
Letting Go
LisaAllred, LCSW
SASWork/Life

ABOUT BEING SINGLE
Singlehood means neither having to
attach oneself to another person like a
clinging vine nor having to detach from
everybody to prove one’s independence.
Singlehood is the freedom and power to
operate interdependently.
Any thoughts over the last week about Singling?

ANGER AND SINGLENESS
 Anger encompasses a range of
emotions:
 Resentment
 Irritation
 Hurt
 Rejection
 Righteous indignation
 Anger is automatic and involuntary
when we are feeling left out, shut out,
cut off or pushed away from a desired
relationship.
Think about someone you know who doesn’t handle anger well,
what does that look like?

HOWYOU HANDLE ANGER DETERMINES
THE FRIENDSYOU ATTRACT AND KEEP
“Non-singles may be able to keep
people in their lives who, because they
are also non-single, tolerate their sullen
moods or temper tantrums, but singlers
who want mature friends can ill afford
such childish luxuries.”
- John Landgraf, Singling

CONTINUUM OF HANDLING ANGER
Where do you fall on this continuum? Is the answer different at work? At home?
With people who have more power than you? Less?

STEPS FOR HANDLING ANGER
ADMIT to yourself that you are angry.
EXPRESS your anger in a safe environment to boil
it down to its essence, clarify it, and defuse it.
RESTORE to conscious awareness your own
attitude of love, without waiting for your
adversary to change.
What methods do you have for expressing anger in a safe environment?
Do you struggle with an “attitude of love”?

STEPS FOR HANDLING ANGER (CONT.)
 REPORT openly and directly the angry feelings you are
experiencing. To say openly and directly “I am angry, can we
talk” is incredibly difficult because of pride, habit,
nonassertiveness, discomfort with conflict, unwillingness to
admit angry feelings, etc. Remember you are doing it because
you care about the relationship.
 NEGOTIATE mutually and without being defensive about the
issue at stake.
Can you think of an example of a time you handled your anger directly and had
a positive outcome?

IMPLEMENT COPING STRATEGIES!
•Use problem-
focused coping!
Is there anything
about this
situation that you
can control?
•Use emotion-
focused coping!
Is this a situation
that you have no
control over?
24

WHAT IS PROBLEM-FOCUSED COPING?
 Should be used when you are able to control one or more
aspects of the situation
 Begins with brainstorming possibilities of how you might be
able to address the problem
 Might involve communicating with another person to make
desired changes
 Might involve altering your typical pattern of response in the
situation
25
What are some examples of problem-focused coping you have used?

WHAT IS EMOTION-FOCUSED COPING?
 To be used when you have no control over the situation
 Might involve skills like:
 Reframing your thoughts
 Adopting new “self-talk”
 Limiting the amount of time you spend thinking about the situation
 Talking with someone about your feelings
26
What are some examples of emotion-focused coping you
have used?

LOOKING FORWARD
Any “to do” items as a result of class
today?
Next week: Connections and Boundaries

WEEK THREE
Connections and Boundaries
Lisa Allred, LCSW
SASWork/Life

THREE CONDITIONS CRUCIALTO MAKING
FRIENDS
Proximity
Repeated, unplanned interactions
A setting that encourages people to
let their guard down and confide in
each other
www.helpguide.org

THEORY BEHIND MAKING FRIENDS
Exposure Effect-
People tend to like things that they’re familiar
with
The more time people spend with you, the more
they will acquire a “taste” for you
For example, people will have a greater fondness
for others who work in their building than a total
stranger
Business Insider.com

THEORY BEHIND MAKING FRIENDS
Repeated interactions
Sharing confidences
Personal history
Projects you have arranged your life around
Core values
Asking people for stuff
“Friendfluence”
People feel good when they feel needed
Business Insider.com

WHERETO MEET PEOPLE
 Volunteering
 Class or club
 Walk a dog
 Invite a neighbor or colleague for coffee/drink/movie
 Track down old friends via social media
 Connect with alumni association
 Carpool to work
 Attend art gallery openings, book readings, lectures, music recitals
www.helpguide.org

HOWTO ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION
Remark on the surroundings or occasion
Ask open-ended questions
Use a compliment
Note anything you have in common and ask a follow up
question
Keep the conversation going with small talk
Listen effectively
www.helpguide.org

IFTHINGS DON’T WORK OUT…
Don’t take it personally
Don’t dwell on the experience
Don’t make up stories about it
www.helpguide.org

HOWTO BE A GOOD FRIEND
Be the friend that you would like to have
Be a good listener
Invest in the friendship
Give your friend space
Don’t set too many rules and expectation
Be forgiving
www.helpguide.org

PRACTICE IN NON-THREATENING
SITUATIONS
Most people in the service industry are very social and
will welcome small talk. Practice your conversation
starters with a friendly cashier, receptionist, waiter,
hostess, or salesperson.
Try talking to the leader/organizer at the event.
Other ideas???
www.helpguide.org

WEEK FOUR
Self- Care
Lisa Allred, LCSW
SASWork/Life

WHAT IS HAPPINESS?
Happiness is an emotional state characterized by
positive or pleasant emotions ranging from
contentment to intense joy
Happiness implies the presence of something positive,
not just the absence of negativity- it is more than relief
from anxiety, boredom, loneliness, pain, etc.
From Dr. Brian King
Institute for Brain Potential
Habits of Happy People

JAMES-LANGE THEORY
The brain receives feedback from the body to interpret
it’s emotional state
StimulusPhysiological responseSubjective
response
Examples:
Pen in mouth
Give yourselves a round of applause
From Dr. Brian King

WHAT CONTRIBUTESTO HAPPINESS?
 Not improving life circumstances! Not more $$$!
 Exception if basic needs aren’t met and living in poverty
 Set point 50%, Circumstances 19%, Intentional Activity 40%
 Why not? Hedonic Adaptation (the ability to return to a
relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or
negative events or life changes.
 Note: some evidence that happiness increases income
From Dr. Brian King

BRAIN BASED EMOTIONAL STYLESTHAT
CONTRIBUTETO HAPPINESS
 Emotional Style Assessment- Davidson
 **Resilience-how fast you recover from adverse events
 **Outlook- optimism vs. pessimism
 Social Intuition- ability to grasp social cues including body language, facial and
verbal expressions
 Self Awareness- self-opaque to self-aware, how tuned you are to signals coming
fromYOUR body and mind
 Sensitivity to Context- the way you modulate your behavior and emotional
responses depending on the person you are interacting with, tuned in
 Attention- focus is necessary From Dr. Brian King

MANAGING STRESS ISTHE MOST IMPORTANT
THINGYOU CAN DOTO BE HAPPY
 Recognize worry as a habit (95% of what we do is)- worry provides momentary
relief from negative condition (inactivity); must find other ways for the brain to
stimulate itself (daydreaming, imagination, reading, refocus attention, act)
 Negative affect leads to “battle station” thinking (hyperfocused); “I can’t think
when I am mad” is supported by brain research
 Positive affect “broadens and builds” (Fredrickson)- able to use full range of brain
capabilities
 When you view problems as temporary and controllable, your brain turns off
physiological stress response
From Dr. Brian King

DEVELOPING RESILIENCETO HANDLE
STRESS
Resilience is like a muscle (work it and it gets
stronger)
Anticipate challenges
Recognize emotional amplifiers
Use resources you have (past experience, social
support, etc.)
From Dr. Brian King

HEALTHY COPING STRATEGIES
 NOT habit forming (unfortunately)
 Reappraisal (deciding problem isn’t that important, in 10
years…)
 Problem-solving
 Shifting attention
 Acceptance
From Dr. Brian King

NEGATIVE COPING STRATEGIES
Habit forming (unfortunately)
Escaping through food, alcohol and drugs
Rumination
Shaming, blaming, inflaming
When it becomes a compulsory habit = addiction
From Dr. Brian King

ACTION: ARTICULATINGYOUR BEST
POSSIBLE SELF
 Research by King 2001
 Once a week write in a journal
 “Think about your best possible self” means you imagine
yourself in the future, after everything has gone as well as it
possible could, your goals have been accomplished and your
dreams have been realized
 Write a detailed description of what your life might be like
(personal and professional) and vary the domains you consider
each week (romantic relationship, career goals, health, family,
etc.) From Dr. Brian King

ACTION: RECAPTURE POSITIVE MEMORIES
Happy people look fondly on positive past events
Reminiscing with old friends
Photography
Scrapbooking
When you tell a story about your life it
encourages you to live a better story.
From Dr. Brian King

ACTION: EXPRESSING NEEDS
Happy people express emotional concerns in ways that
facilitate meaningful change instead of triggering
conflict.
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and
what you do are in harmony.” -MahatmaGandhi
Assertiveness training, meet with therapist
From Dr. Brian King

ACTION: SHARING GRATITUDE AND LOVE
 Happy people communicate gratitude to their friends and love to family in ways
that strengthen bonds.
*** Most important change with immediate
impact and minimal effort: express positive
emotions to others
From Dr. Brian King

ACTION: GRATITUDE JOURNAL
Write down three good things that happened today
Why does it work?
Counteracts adaptation
Positive re-construal
Can validate goals and choices
From Dr. Brian King

ACTION: SAVORING/APPRECIATING
Look around your environment and take note of one or
more things that you take for granted.
Focus on endings: think about the fact that you only
have a short amount of time left in this experience- this
encourages you to make the most of your remaining
time, helps prioritize goals, inhibits adaptation
From Dr. Brian King

ACTION: SETTING MEANINGFUL GOALS
 Lack of purpose highly correlates with happiness
 Set meaningful goals that focus on what you want in life. Ask
yourself how much time/energy you are spending towards
achieving those goals.
 “If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your
thoughts, liberates your energy, and inspires your hopes.”
-Andrew Carnegie
From Dr. Brian King

ACTION: FINDING HUMOR IN EVERYDAY
LIFE
Laughter is the beneficial element of humor- the
physical act of laughter
What makes you laugh?
Taking laugh breaks
From Dr. Brian King

ACTION: TAKE CARE OFYOUR BODY
Regular exercise
Healthy diet
Sleep
From Dr. Brian King

ACTION: OTHER SUGGESTIONS
 Curtail social comparisons
 Consider how to best spend your money
 Experiences make you happy, not material things
 Simplify your life
 Mindfulness mediation, Loving kindness meditation
 Smile
 Look for awe inspiring experiences
 Random acts of kindness
 Fake it till you make it- pen trick, smile, James-Lange theory
From Dr. Brian King

WEEK FIVE
Preparing to Date
LisaAllred, LCSW
SASWork/Life

CREATETHESE LISTSTO HELP CLARIFY
What characteristics does your ideal partner
have?
List absolute “deal breakers”
What characteristics attracted you to the
significant partners in your past? (list each
separately)

CREATETHESE LISTSTO HELP CLARIFY
 Compare 1, 2 and 3 to look for patterns. Are there things that
attracted you to previous partners that are not on your first list?
Were there characteristics that previous partners exhibited that
were on your list of “deal breakers” yet you chose to ignore
them? This is a way to identify personal red flags, i.e., things
you find attractive that may not be consistent with the type of
person you want to engage in a relationship.
 List these personal red flags.
 List general red flags (signs that a potential partner may be
abusive, have a substance abuse problem, etc.)

DESIRED PARTNER CHARACTERISTICS:
GROUP BRAINSTORM
 Humor
 Considerate
 Dependable
 Honest
 Single
 Takes care of self (emotionally,
spiritually, physically)
 Good with kids
 Outgoing
 Friendly
 Generous
 Financially stable
 Length of separation/divorce
(differed among class members)
 Consistent relationship goal (i.e.,
companionship vs. commitment)
 Predictability

DEAL BREAKERS: GROUP BRAINSTORM
 Married
 long-term unemployment
 Dishonest
 Addiction
 Messy
 Controlling
 Jealous
 Angry
 Moody
 Loud
 Flat affect
 Constant complaining
 Not willing to discuss problems
 Pacifying
 Large Age difference
 Educational level

DEAL BREAKERS (CONT.)
 Bad debt
 Selfish/narcissistic
 Bad parent
 History of having an affair
 No friends
 Poor relationship with family of origin

PATTERNS: WHAT ATTRACTEDYOUTO
PREVIOUS PARTNERS
Novelty
Your being center of attention
Romance, spontaneity, excitement, fun
Opposite of father
Physical type

RED FLAGS
One up-ing
Overly extravagant with money
Pressuring you
Not wanting you to talk with anyone else
Chronically late
Invading your privacy
No friends or outside interests
Disrespectful to ex-partner

RED FLAGS (CONT.)
Rude
Bossy
Self-centered
Prejudiced
Disrespectful
Treats family poorly

WEEK SIX
Dating
LisaAllred, LCSW
SASWork/Life

PRACTICALTIPS FOR DATING AS AN ADULT
 Be leery of someone who is recently single. It can take 6 months or much longer
to get over a serious relationship.
 Take a drinking inventory: more than 6 drinks per week or more than 4 drinks per
occasion could spell trouble.
 Is decision-making all one sided? If so, you may not have a voice in the
relationship.
 Put your health first: use a condom.
 Date at least a year before cohabitating or marrying.
www.womansdivorce.com

 Avoid inadvertent stalking- be careful not to engage in premature couple
behavior
 Don’t overshare- confide in someone only after they earn your trust
 Go with your gut- don’t keep seeing someone if you really aren’t into them
just to keep from hurting their feelings
 Keep an attitude of experimentation and openness- dating can be a fun
way to meet new people, focus on Mr./Ms. Right Now vs. Mr./Ms. Right
 Be aware that sometimes we look for people who are opposite of our last
partner

 Be what you want to attract- ask yourself “am I all of the things I want in a new
partner”?
 Stay focused on the positive momentum of your life (don’t dwell on the past)
 Online dating IS part of the dating mix
 Drive yourself to dates when you are meeting someone new- but watch the
alcohol consumption b/c you have to drive home
 You didn’t change your ex, you are not going to change someone new
www.womensdivorce.com

TIPS ON SAFE DATING
 Google yourself: personal info you don’t want out there showing up?
 If so… https://support.google.com/websearch/answer/2744324?hl=en
 Google your date- is the info you find consistent with what they are telling you
about themselves
 Run background check on potential dates, but remember, it only reports
convicted crimes
 http://www.foxnews.com/tech/2013/04/13/how-to-do-free-online-background-check/
 Get a google phone number so you aren’t giving out your actual cell number
 http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Google-Voice-Phone-Number
 Check personal references if available

TIPS ON SAFE DATING
 Always drive yourself and pay for yourself
 Always tell someone where you are going/ consider enabling the GPS on your
phone/ set up a phone call at a set time
 Don’t leave valuables at the table if you get up to go to the restroom
 If you need to leave a drink unattended, order another when you return to the
table
 On-line safety resources
 http://www.match.com/help/safetytips.aspx?lid=4
 https://www.getsafeonline.org/social-networking/online-dating/
 http://www.aarp.org/home-family/dating/info-01-2013/online-dating-safety-tips-
solin.2.html

INTERNET DATING WEBSITES
 Who do you want to date?
 Free sites include higher than average number of older people, people on fixed incomes,
those with lower paying jobs or no job at all
 Features that you want?
 Paid websites may have additional features including large events for subscribers
 How does it work?
 You create profile, you can view other profiles, send or respond to messages within the
site
www.womensdivorce.com

WRITINGYOUR ON-LINE PROFILE
 User name- anonymous yet descriptive, focus on activity or interest, fascinating
profession, physical attribute, personality, or humor
 Ex/ golfnut, hookedonbooks, artlady, sunnysmiles, sweetnshy,
middleagedoverweightschoolmarm
 Banner headline or subject line
 6-12 word phrase to grab attention, should be positive, interesting, humorous
 Take a few minutes and jot down your good attributes
 Use adjectives that emphasize your joy and vitality
 Ex/Travel gal wants a pal, have you had your giggle today, live wire seeks sparks
 Avoid asking too much too soon, sounding too sexy, sounding too romantic, picking on
men
 Ex/give me a lifetime of laughter, sexy lady needs naughty guy, searching for prince charming,
no head games

WHATTO INCLUDE INYOUR PROFILE
 Physical- tell the truth, use colorful language and humor
 Personality
 Share your interests, how you spend your leisure time, include hobbies that show playful and
serious side
 Appeal to your target audience
 If you’re a woman and your profile says your favorite thing to do is shop, may not appeal to
many men
 Other specific, telling details
 Most people enjoy dinner, music, travel… add more
 Ex/ nothing tastes better than a cold beer and a hot dog at the ballpark, my friends think I am
funny (I love my friends)
 Don’t talk about family in profile

 Avoid the negative
 Ex/ all my friends are married and I am tired of being the third wheel
 What about demands?
 Statements like “game players need not apply” can turn people off b/c you seem testy
 Also don’t need to emphasize that you are new to on-line dating, don’t apologize
 Education and success
 Again, be honest
 Pictures
 Have to include- no pix, no picks
 Head shot is good, something up close that you can clearly be seen

Summary sell line
What can you say that will make them click on
you?
Ex/ I will be a good friend and ally. I will be
tender, responsive, appreciative and agreeable. I
will inspire you. I will listen to you.

CONCLUSION
Where are you on your singling journey?
What are your short-term action items? Long-
term?
Do you need assistance in your journey? From
family or friends? From a therapist?
Best wishes. Remember to appreciate the
journey.

Successfully Single Class

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