1. Handling Differences
Avoiding Poison Patterns
Adapted from Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg,
Fighting for Your Marriage, Revised (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000).

3. Our Mate Has an Emotional
“Bank Account”
1. Affection and care 2. Tensions and hurts
act as deposits act as withdrawals
• Regular deposits • 1 negative interaction
keep the marriage makes a withdrawal
strong and resilient worth 5-10 deposits

4. All Couples Have About the
Same Degree of Conflict
Key difference among
couples is how conflict
is managed
•About 80% of differences
cannot be resolved
•Happy couples don’t let
disagreements poison their
friendship; distressed
couples do

5. What Is Your Parents’ Conflict Style?
1. Volatile • Each style has
• You value frankness and strengths and
passionately fight and make up weaknesses
2. Validating • Key is for you both
• You value closeness and to find a shared
seek to understand each other style
3. Avoidant
• You tolerate differences and
don’t argue much

6. 5 Poison Patterns to Avoid I
These habits quickly drain warmth and safety
1. Criticism: Blame Game
2. Escalation: Ugly Out-doing

7. 5 Poison Patterns to Avoid II
These habits quickly drain warmth and safety
1. Criticism: Blame Game
2. Escalation: Ugly Out-doing
3. Contempt: Painful Put-downs

8. 5 Poison Patterns to Avoid III
These habits quickly drain warmth and safety
1. Criticism: Blame Game
2. Escalation: Ugly Out-doing
3. Contempt: Painful Put-downs
4. Negative Interpretation: Looking for Dirt
5. Withdrawal: Hide & Seek

9. Tool: Time Out
1. Discuss examples of “Time Out” or “Pause” words
or gestures you have seen in other couples
2. Discuss what word or gesture your couple
might use
• Use before a conflict gets destructive
• Break for 20 minutes or postpone discussion to a
later agreed-upon time

10. What Issues Cause Conflict for
Couples?

11. Issues that Cause Conflict
• Money • Communication
• Children • Careers
• Sex • Housework
• In-laws • Recreation
• Independence • Religion
• Substance abuse

12. Issues Alone Don’t Usually Cause
Fights
Most issues come out during stressful incidents
• Often the only times couples discuss issues
• We often avoid talking about emotionally loaded topics

13. Issues Come Out During Incidents
Incidents
Issues
Unresolved issues build up Need to gain
pressure control over
•Erupt when triggered by incidents issues or they
•Worst times to deal with issues will control you

14. Agree to Discuss Issues
Apart from Incidents
1. During a triggering incident, Protects friendship
agree to talk at a later time time
• Create the time and safety to •Dispels fear of
understand each other explosive incidents
• Meet later •Calms concerns
• Go for a walk about never
• Write each other first talking about
issues
2. Hold regular Couple Meetings
• Save discussion of issues until then

15. Couples Can Learn to
Handle Conflict Well
• Reverse these poison patterns and repair their damage
• Make their relationship safe and protect their friendship
• Use disagreements to build closeness

16. Tool: Discussion Strategies
1. Think about what might be the best way you could
communicate with your partner about an issue that
bothers you.
• Consider good examples you have seen
2. Share this with each other.
3. Look for a strategy you could agree on.