Sophie struggled with asserting boundaries as a child due to her parents' arguments. As an adult, she had unstable relationships and difficulty making decisions. The document discusses how to set healthy boundaries by determining what behaviors you are comfortable with, communicating limits clearly, and addressing boundary violations calmly while also being honest and consistent. It warns that failing to set boundaries can make people angry, tired, and lead to resentment as their own needs go unmet.

1. Setting Assertive Boundaries
In everyday life

2. From an early age Sophie’s parents would argue
and she felt that she was in between them. Not
wanting to cause any more arguments, she would
always keep quiet even when she had things to say.
This habit of not speaking up stayed with her. She
became used to not speaking up for herself and
saying what she wanted. She struggled to make
decisions and her own relationships were unstable.
Sophie

3.  A boundary is like an invisible line between
what you are comfortable with and not
comfortable with
 Set limits that you are willing to accept in your
mind and stick to them
Decide where your boundaries lie
How far is too far? Would you allow someone to:
•Tell you what to do?
•Stamp around the house?
•Throw things?
•Insult you?
•Share your secrets, pictures or personal information without
your consent?

4. Healthy and un-healthy boundaries

5.  Boundaries can still be flexible and allow people
some leeway.
 You might choose to open up your boundaries to
some people that you know and trust.
 You might decide to share personal information
with them and be physically closer to them if you
know them well and trust them.
 This trust takes time to build up and should be
reviewed if the other person does things to
violate that trust.
Boundaries can be flexible

6. Use the ASSA technique:
 Alert the person that you need to speak to them
about something ‘I need to talk to you about…’
 State what the problem is ‘I am not happy with you
shouting at me.’
 Sell the benefits of them behaving differently ‘In
future if you have something to say to me I would
prefer if you could talk and not shout.’
 Agree. Seek agreement that they will do things
differently in the future ‘Can we agree that in future
you won’t shout if you need to say something to
me.’
If someone crosses your boundaries:

7.  A bit of forgiveness is a good thing and it
helps us to manage conflicts.
 However if you are continually forgiving
someone for their behaviour and it does not
change they may get worse.
 If we constantly make allowances or excuses
for someone else's bad behaviour then they
won’t see it as a problem and they will keep
doing it.
Constant forgiveness can make
things worse

8.  When people cross our boundaries we may
feel angry or upset. It is important to
acknowledge this emotion and give yourself
time to calm down before addressing things
with the person.
 It is important that you clearly communicate
about why this behaviour is not acceptable to
you and in order to do this you need to be
feeling calm.
Stay calm

9.  Be open and honest with someone when they
cross your boundaries.
 You will ultimately gain their respect if you are
honest with them.
Be honest

10.  A person without boundaries may become
increasingly angry at themselves and others for
not getting what they want.
 It can also be tiring as you end up constantly
doing things for other people because you feel
you can’t say no.
 You might end up feeling resentful as your own
needs are not being met or guilty as you worry
that you have not pleased everyone else.
The dangers of not setting
boundaries