Lost in Translation 2 Talking to teens #2

Jane Mitchell 2015
Lost in Translation 2 – Talking to Teens
In this article I would like to address the tricky subject of communicating with
adolescents. This can be an area fraught with tension in many families with good
reason- we know that during adolescence neurological development is prominent,
and also that hormone surges and massive bodily changes are taking place,
affecting the young person’s perception of and reaction to the world around them,
and also affecting other individuals’ perception of and reaction to the young person
as expectations of the young person changes. This has the potential to create a
self- perpetuating negative feedback where the young person’s physical changes,
fear of becoming an adult and experience of reactions from the world at large
confirms their worst fears that they are unlovable, unloved, rude, ugly and going
nowhere very quickly. Add to this the complex issues of identity which arise and are
heightened in the adopted child, and you have a very challenging situation to
manage, whether you are a young person or a parent or key adult in a young
person’s life. Therefore, what we are discussing is a huge transition with all the
anxiety that this entails. The underlying emotion here is fear, and it is fear that gives
rise to the aggression, defiance, anger and failed communication that are
commonly associated with the adolescent state. In addition, our fear as responsible
adults can give rise to an angry, sarcastic or wounding response.
Before you read on, I would like you to try and reconnect with your teenage
memories, and remember your own experiences, stresses, frustrations and
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Jane Mitchell 2015
relationships with responsible adults in your life. What adult figure did you feel most
connected to, and why was that? I hope that this will enable you to engage more
empathically with your own child’s experience, and also enable you to reflect on
the adults that were able to connect with you and why that was.
The first factor that I want to think about is physical growth. During adolescence a
young person will have a growth spurt and their physical appearance will mature
with development of secondary sexual characteristics. The body has a nasty habit
of getting on with this no matter what the emotional or cognitive age of the child –
physical development follows its own genetic and hormonal blueprint. This can be
extremely challenging for the young person as their body rapidly changes and their
self image is challenged by those changes. One of the issues arising purely from the
physical changes is that of attitude towards the young person. Like it or not, we
have an expectation of behaviour and understanding which is linked to the physical
space that an individual occupies. As soon as you occupy a more or less adult
space and have a more or less adult shape, you are expected to be that adult. This
is pretty difficult if you are entering puberty early and are therefore only 10 or 11, and
more difficult again if for whatever reason you have cognitive and emotional delay.
As if that wasn’t enough, there is then the question of sexual awareness, as sex
hormones are produced and create not just secondary sexual characteristics but
also obscure desires and crushes which may be quite obsessive and highly
unsuitable. This creates extreme vulnerability on the part of the child, especially
where there is additional delay emotionally and cognitively.
My second pause for reflection, then: How old is your child or young person literally;
how old are they physically; and how old are they developmentally (cognitively and
emotionally)? Is there any scope for you to assess and adjust your reactions to them,
or expectations of them?
Next, I am going to consider what is happening in the teenage brain:
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Jane Mitchell 2015
(The Triune Brain proposed by Paul McLean)
We now know that the human brain is not fully developed at birth, although all the
brain cells are present. This is part of an evolutionary process that enables us to
develop as individuals in a way that is best suited to our environment, culture and
the homes we are brought up in. The pre-frontal cortex is the part of the brain
associated with executive function – the ability to assess, control impulsivity,
organise, manage our emotions and shape our relationship patterns. The neuronal
pathways connecting the midbrain with the cortex are built by our experiences, and
this happens primarily during the first 18 months of life. This is why the early attuned
relationship is so important – put simply the expectation of how your most basic
needs for survival and nurture will be met is hardwired into your brain during this
period and effectively governs your perception of the world around you, as well as
providing information for your emerging sense of self.
During adolescence a second period of intense neurological development begins.
The brain does two things: Firstly, an extensive “pruning” of neurological pathways
happens – this reinforces those neurological pathways which have been used most
extensively and which are most securely embedded by repeated experience.
Secondly, myelination of nerve sheaths occurs. Myelin is a fatty substance which
greatly increases the speed of transmission of nervous impulses. This seems to me to
make for an overall situation where intense stimulation due to increased transmission
of impulses meets a reduced capacity to integrate or make sense of that
information, whether sensory or cognitive. Essentially, the teen brain is in for an
overhaul, and during this process chaos reigns and communications are misread.
The brain is not fully mature until early to mid twenties, during which time we typically
observe young people working through different phases of the maturation process in
a highly individual fashion and helped or hindered by their past experiences and
current environment.
Bryan Post in the great Behaviour Breakdown summarises the effect on adolescent
behaviour:
Based on the stage of their brain development, adolescents are more likely to:
• act on impulse
• misread or misinterpret social cues and emotions
• get into accidents of all kinds
• get involved in fights
• engage in dangerous or risky behaviour
Adolescents are less likely to:
• think before they act
• pause to consider the potential consequences of their actions
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Jane Mitchell 2015
• modify their dangerous or inappropriate behaviours
What this suggests is that ability to utilise executive function is patchy and the
young person may appear to go “off the rails”. Nonetheless, we see young adults
emerge that are responsible, mature and able to engage in relationships and
build a career.
Third pause for reflection: Thinking of behaviour exhibited by your child, and your
knowledge of them as an individual, is this likely to be as a result of their
developing brain? We will now consider this further.
In some ways is it useful to adopt an analogy of adolescence as a second
toddlerhood. The prefrontal cortex is largely disengaged, and therefore executive
function is reduced, and we see the behaviours listed above. So what you have is
a young person who, like a toddler, wants to explore their new capabilities and
engage in more adult activities whilst not having the capacity to handle situations
and outcomes. In other words, like a toddler, they need to explore from a secure
base. And, just as if they were a toddler, you as a parent or carer for a young
person view their vulnerability from a totally different perspective, which leads you
to protect them (your perspective); which can be translated as lack of trust or
respect (their perspective). Take a moment and remember again your
experience of being a young adult. Now reflect on what the core issues are, and
how you can work with your child to enable them to make safe choices whilst still
engaging with their natural exploration instincts.
Social Changes – (going to different places, staying out later etc). Encourage the
young person to discuss plans with you in advance, and be prepared to
negotiate. Give them some responsibility, and remind them that it is not that you
do not trust them, but rather that you do not trust other people they may meet.
Try to avoid outright refusal – instead ask them how they plan to keep safe,
develop checking in guidelines, and be very firm about sticking to agreed
deadlines. This may involve a reasonable amount of parental taxi service, in my
experience, however it is well worth the investment!
Sexuality – This can be very tricky for both parties, but the last thing you need to
happen is for your child to rely on peer information. Ensure that they have the
correct information, including legal guidelines and contraceptive advice. If you
are not happy to engage in this conversation with your child, then many youth
clubs cover the subject. Remember the less informed your child is, the more
vulnerable they are likely to be. As a general rule of thumb, I would say the child
that asks the question should get an answer in a developmentally appropriate
way.
Peer groups – being welcoming to your child’s friends and forming relationships
with their parents will provide children and adults alike with support, and may well
help with the taxi service mentioned previously!
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Jane Mitchell 2015
Expressions of individuality – hair, clothes, makeup etc. Remember that peer
approval is all important, and part of the job a young person has to do when
transitioning into adulthood is to find their identify, and disengage from their
parents as they develop independent skills. Commonly, this identity is shared with
their closest friendship group, and is based on common interests. This could be
sport, computers, the latest boy band, fashion, etc. In any case, these things
generally get grown out of, so try to find ways to accept your child’s emerging
identity, as long as it is safe to do so.
In all negotiations, I believe that being open to the conversation is absolutely key.
Let your young person understand your anxieties and explain that your concern is
for their wellbeing. When disagreements occur, remember that as with toddlers
the repair is more important than the initial rupture, allowing the young person to
remember that you still love them and that your relationship with them is intact.
A key aspect of communication with adolescents is remembering to pick your
battles – or as my friend would have it, “don’t sweat the small stuff”. Of course,
we all have our own take on this, but if life feels full of arguments then stop and
think about what are the issues that are really important for safety/health reasons
and try and ignore the rest. Examples might be:
 Untidy bedroom – allow them their space, but make it clear that the rest of
the house is a “tidy zone”
 Clothing – Adolescents commonly dress to impress their peers not their
parents. Try and live with it unless of course you feel they are making
themselves dangerously vulnerable.
 Make Up – Different rules may be applied to going out with friends and
being around Mum and Dad or other carer
We all need approval and praise, and our adolescents are no different, even if
they seem to reject your opinion. Remember to tell them when you are proud of
them, and find ways to praise them and their achievements, no matter how small.
Thank them if they seem to take an idea on board, and take pleasure in their
company whenever possible. Invent reasons to do something nice together –
having a walk or an ice cream, a trip to the shops or a game of football – find
some fun in the things that you can do together and let them know that you value
and enjoy that time. It seems to be difficult to practice responding to positives –
as a rule we seem to be good at picking up on negatives, and are not so
responsive to positives. Whatever the last thing was that you did that enabled you
to have fun with your child, try and recreate the experience.
Final reflection point: How can you engage with your child in a way that enables
them to feel understood and gives them appropriate responsibility? Bear in mind
key factors for communication:
 Make sure you start the conversation when you are well regulated yourself,
and be aware of your own signs of stress.
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Jane Mitchell 2015
 It may feel as though communication is always on their terms. Remember
that they are not processing and thinking well.
 Find a quiet place and give them all your attention.
 Listen and empathise with their feelings. This is not the same as saying “go
ahead”, it just allows them to feel heard and understood.
 Summarise what they are saying – make sure you have understood.
 Ask them what their desired outcome is, then negotiate.
References:
Raising Children.net.au
(http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/brain_development_teenagers.html)
NIMH
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-still-under-
construction/index.shtml?
utm_source=LifeSiteNews.com+Daily+Newsletter&utm_campaign=2c0fa9560
b-LifeSiteNews_com_Intl_Full_Text_12_18_2012
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FActs
_for_Families_Pages/The_Teen_Brain_Behavior_Problem_Solving_and_Decision
_Making_95.aspx
Brian Post: The Great Behaviour Breakdown
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Lost in Translation 2 Talking to teens #2

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