The science behind lust, attraction, and companionship

1. LOVE
“As humans, we too are seeking unity, and love is the word we
use for that search”
The science behind lust, attraction, and
companionship
What is Love?

2. “As humans, we too are seeking unity, and love is the word we use for that search”
Why do people fall in love? And why are some forms of love long-lasting while others are
so fleeting? Psychologists and researchers have proposed several different theories of
love to explain how it forms as well as how it endures.
Love is the emotional excitement (or some might say stress) that raises the
body’s cortisol levels, causing a racing heart, butterflies in our stomach, and
inconveniently sweaty palms. Other chemicals in play are oxytocin, which
deepens feelings of attachment, and vasopressin, which has been linked to trust,
empathy, and sexual monogamy.
Love is a basic human emotion. But understanding how and why it happens is not
necessarily easy. In fact, for a long time, many suggested that love was something too
primal, mysterious, and spiritual for science to ever fully understand.
Love according to Vedas talks about body, soul, relations, harmony, and even
jealousy and domination. Love in Ancient India takes you through a timeless saga of
royalty and grandeur, beauty and infidelity, all of which are interspersed with the
concept of the world’s most bewitching expression - love.

3. Triangular Theory of Love
In 1986, psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed the triangular theory of love.
Under this theory, love has three components:
Intimacy
Passion
Commitment

4. Dr. Helen Fisher at Rutgers, romantic love can be broken down into three
categories lust, attraction, and attachment. Each category is characterized by its
own set of hormones stemming from the brain
Ancient India’s 5 Stages Of Love

5. 1. “Kama,” or sensory craving
At first, the desire to merge gets expressed through physical attraction or kama.
Technically speaking, kama means “craving for sense objects,” but it is usually
translated as sexual desire.
2. “Shringara,” or rapturous intimacy

6. Shringara means "Love" and often also "beauty". Narrowly speaking,
Shringara means to enjoy the company of the opposite sex, in a very lovely and
romantic manner. In a broader sense, Shringara is the mood in which we
concentrate on creating a lovely atmosphere, on family and friends, on good
manners and romance, on art, culture, and decoration, on dressing attractively
and behaving nicely, and on beauty and enjoyment.
3. “Maitri,” or generous compassion
A small gesture or expression of care can make any person create a soft corner for
you within. These small gestures are not just signals but are magical as they have
the power to turn any negative personality into a perfect being.
The simplest acts of kindness are by far more powerful than a thousand heads
bowing in prayer.” said MAHATMA GANDHI.
compassion is something that we naturally feel towards kids or pets. The
underlying reason behind it is innocence. So, being away from all the
materialistic and complicated creations of the world will make people
compassionate towards you.
4. “Bhakti,” or impersonal devotion
Devotion is a very strong word in itself. It has the capacity to make impossible-
possible. Luckily for those who aren’t conventionally religious, bhakti need not be
focused on God in the usual sense. It can be directed toward whatever higher
ideal speaks to us most powerfully, be that kindness, truth, or social justice.
5. “Atma-Prema,” or unconditional self-love

7. Atma-prema can be translated as “self-love.” This is not the self as we usually
think of it, but the essential self, the self that exists at the center of all of us.
What this means in practice is that we see ourselves in others and see others in
ourselves.
Sternberg’s triangular theory
Types of love
The seven kinds of love in Sternberg’s triangular theory cover a range of
relationship types:
● Liking. You share emotional intimacy, but there’s no physical passion or
commitment. Friendship falls under this category.
● Infatuation. Passion is the key component of infatuation. If you’re
physically attracted to another person but haven’t developed emotional
intimacy or established a commitment, this is infatuation.
● Empty. What Sternberg calls “empty love” is a committed relationship
that lacks passion or intimacy. Examples include an arranged marriage
or a previously emotional or physical relationship that’s lost its spark.
● Romantic. When you’re romantically involved with another person, you
share a physical passion and emotional intimacy, but you haven’t made
any long-term plans or commitments.
● Companionate. You are committed and emotionally connected, such as
best friends or family. Marriages can also be companionate if the
passion is gone, but you still share the commitment and emotional
bond.

8. ● Fatuous. If you’ve been swept up by passion into an engagement or
marriage without emotional intimacy, this is fatuous love.
● Consummate. Consummate love is the goal for many when they
envision marriage or a spousal partnership. This kind of love includes
commitment, passion, and emotional intimacy.
Zink Rubin believed that romantic love is made up of three elements:
A close bond and dependent needs
The predisposition to help
Feelings of exclusiveness and absorption

9. Let’s Get Chemical
Lust is driven by the desire for sexual gratification. The evolutionary basis for
this stems from our need to reproduce, a need shared among all living things.
Through reproduction, organisms pass on their genes and thus contribute to the
perpetuation of their species.

10. The hypothalamus of the brain plays a big role in this, stimulating the production
of the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen from the testes and ovaries.
While these chemicals are often stereotyped as being “male” and “female,”
respectively, both play a role in men and women. As it turns out, testosterone
increases libido in just about everyone. The effects are less pronounced with
estrogen, but some women report being more sexually motivated around the time
they ovulate when estrogen levels are highest.
The Color Wheel Model of Love
In his 1973 book The Colors of Love, psychologist John Lee compared styles of love to
the color wheel. Just as there are three primary colors, Lee suggested that there are
three primary styles of love:

11. Eros: The term Eros stems from the Greek word meaning "passionate" or
"erotic." Lee suggested that this type of love involves both physical and emotional
passion. It represents love for an ideal person.
Ludus: Ludus comes from the Greek word meaning "game." This form of love is
conceived as playful and fun but not necessarily serious. Those who exhibit this
form of love are not ready for commitment and are wary of too much intimacy.
So, it represents love as a game.
Storge: Storge stems from the Greek term meaning "natural affection." This
form of love includes familial love between parents and children, siblings, and

12. extended family members. This love can also develop out of friendship, where
people who share interests and commitments gradually develop affection for one
another. Therefore, it represents love as friendship.
Lee’s 6 Styles of Loving
Lee later proposed that just as the primary colors can be combined to create other
colors, the three primary styles of love could also be combined to create secondary love
styles. So, in 1977, Lee expanded the list of love styles.
The three new secondary love styles were:
Mania: A combination of Eros and Ludus, representing obsessive love
Pragma: A combination of Ludus and Storge, representing realistic and
practical love
Agape: A combination of Eros and Storge, representing selfless love

14. Attachment Theory of Love
In 1987, Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver, two researchers from the University of
Denver, theorized that romantic love is a biosocial process similar to how
children form attachments with their parents. Their theory is modeled on
psychologist John Bowlby's attachment theory.
According to Hazan and Shaver's attachment theory of love, a person's
attachment style is partially formed by the relationship they had with their
parents in childhood. This same basic style then continues into adulthood, where
it becomes part of their romantic relationships.
The three styles of adult attachment are
Anxious/ambivalent: A person with this style often worries that their
partner doesn't love them. Sometimes they want to be with their partner so
much that it scares the other person away.

15. Avoidant: Someone with this style is uncomfortable getting close to
others. They also typically experience difficulty with developing trust.

16. Secure: As its name suggests, the secure attachment style involves being
secure in the relationship. Someone who is secure has very few worries of
abandonment or fears of someone else getting too close.
Compassionate vs. Passionate Love
In 1988, psychologist Elaine Hatfield proposed that there are two basic types of
love: compassionate love and passionate love.

17. Compassionate love is characterized by mutual respect, attachment,
affection, and trust. This love usually develops out of feelings of mutual
understanding and shared respect for one another.
Passionate love is characterized by intense emotions, sexual attraction,
anxiety, and affection. When these intense emotions are reciprocated,
people feel elated and fulfilled, while unreciprocated love leads to
feelings of despondency and despair.

18. Hatfield suggests that passionate love arises when cultural expectations
encourage falling in love, when the person meets one's preconceived ideas of
ideal love, and when one experiences heightened physiological arousal in the
presence of the other person.
Passionate love is transitory, according to Hatfield, usually lasting between 6
and 30 months.7
Ideally, passionate love leads to compassionate love, which is
far more enduring.
While most people desire relationships that combine the security and stability
of compassionate love with intense passionate love, Hatfield believes that this
is rare.
Passionate love may be quick to fade, but compassionate love endures.

19. LOVE HURTS
This all paints quite the rosy picture of love: hormones are released, making
us feel good, rewarded, and close to our romantic partners. But that can’t be
the whole story: love is often accompanied by jealousy, erratic behavior,
and irrationality, along with a host of other less-than-positive emotions and
moods. It seems that our friendly cohort of hormones is also responsible for
the downsides of love.
Dopamine, for instance, is the hormone responsible for the vast majority of
the brain’s reward pathway – and that means controlling both the good and
the bad. We experience surges of dopamine for our virtues and our vices. In
fact, the dopamine pathway is particularly well-studied when it comes to
addiction. The same regions that light up when we’re feeling attraction light
up when drug addicts take cocaine and when we binge eat sweets. For
example, cocaine maintains dopamine signaling for much longer than
usual, leading to a temporary “high.” In a way, attraction is much like an
addiction to another human being. Similarly, the same brain regions light
up when we become addicted to material goods as when we become
emotionally dependent on our partners (Figure 2). And addicts going into
withdrawal are not unlike love-struck people craving the company of

20. someone they cannot see
The Thin line between Love and Hate
Hate can be raw and destructive and, some say, is the only thing stronger
than a lover’s love, although that’s quite a bleak take on things.
Robert Sternberg, a professor of human development at Cornell
University and author of the Psychology of Hatred, has spent a portion of
his career analyzing this complex emotion and has distilled it down to
three basic components, which form the triangular theory of hatred.
For Sternberg, the main elements are repulsion, passion, and contempt.
Different combinations of these three components give rise to different
forms of hatred – cold and calculating, simmering loathing, and need for
total annihilation.

21. When psychologists surveyed nearly 600 people, they found that we
mostly hate people that we know and most often because they’ve
betrayed us in some way.
Extreme aversion to others’ personalities can also be a factor. Ex-
husbands are among the most common objects of hatred, along with
colleagues and other family members. Over a lifetime, people reported
they hated about five people on average.
These definitions tend to focus on broad feelings of love rather than the
momentary experience. Barb Frederickson argues that we need to rethink
our definitions of love and focus more on love as a moment of positive
connection between two people. These moments of connection can happen
with loved ones but also with strangers. When we think of love as a moment
of connection, it is not bound by attachment or commitment.
In short, feeling close to someone can soothe anxiety. Love encourages
healthy habits. The correlation between adherence to mental health treatment
and a positive relationship with your partner suggests a larger trend: a positive
relationship with your partner supports healthy behaviors on all levels.