Islamic Parenting Basics by Dr. Kanwal Kaisser

1. Understanding Parenting
Dr. Kanwal

2. • Goals: _____________________
• Desires: ____________________
What tends to be your goals or desires in parenting?

3. Answers:
• ___________________________
• ___________________________
What are your greatest struggles in parenting?

4. Parenting Focus
‫مو‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬‫ممم‬‫م‬ ‫مممو‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫مو‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫ممو م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬‫مم‬‫م‬
‫مم‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬ ‫و‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬
‫مو‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫مو‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫ممو‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫مو‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬ ‫مو‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬
‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬
‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫و‬‫مم‬‫م‬ ‫مو‬‫م‬‫مم‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫مو‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬ ‫ممو‬‫م‬ ‫مو‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫م‬‫مم‬
(At- Tahrim:6)
"O, Believers Save yourselves and your dependents from the fire
whose fuel are humans and the stones. over which are (appointed)
angels stern (and) severe, who flinch not (from executing) the

5. Nature of Child
Abu Hurairah reported Allah's Messenger ‫و م‬
as saying:
No child is born but upon Fitra. He then
said. Recite: The nature made by Allah in
which He created man, there is no altering
of Allah's nature; that is the right religion.”
(Muslim)

6. Long Term Investment
Prophet ‫و م‬said:
“When the son of Adam dies, all his
actions have ceased except [three, a
continuing charity, beneficial knowledge
and] a righteous child who prays for
their parent.”
(Bukhari, Muslim)

7. What has changed?
Fast paced lives, consumerism and social change.....
• Pressure to buy “stuff”
• Parenting competition
• Social alienation
• Less home time
• Less human interaction
• More virtual worlds
• More curriculum driven education

8. What has disappeared?
• Gentle touch and games
• Story time
• Being “present” not just in the room
• Playing real hands on games
• Games in the car
• Human conversation with real people
• Simple toys that don’t cost money
• Less parent direction

11. Define Parenting
Process of care taking, educating from
which you help your child grow from
dependent to independent adult

12. Our common Errors
• Static Behavior
• Roles in family not defined
• Future targets vague
• All running after instant gratification
• No execution plan

13. Lost Generations and their Dilemma
‫ااا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬ ‫ااا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫اا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬
‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬
‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬
But after them there followed a posterity
who missed prayers and followed after lusts
soon, then, will they face Destruction
(Surah Maryam:59)

14. Fact Sheet
In the primary age range, the impact on achievement
of different levels of parental involvement is bigger
than differences associated with variations in the
quality of schools. Home influence is powerful
because it is enduring, pervasive and direct.
Children absorb enthusiasm and a positive attitude
towards learning from their relationships with adults
at home. A parent who feels it is his or her role and
believes they can make a difference, models positive
interest in learning. Research by Desforges and Abouchaar 2003

15. Focus of a Muslim
‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫اا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬
‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬
‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬ ‫اا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬‫ا‬
And this was the legacy that Abraham left to his sons, and
so did Jacob; "Oh my sons! Allah hath chosen the Faith
for you; then die not except in the Faith of Islam.”
(Al-Baqarah: 132)

16. What fears do to us?
• Great expectations: I'm afraid my child won't get the
education and opportunities she needs to reach her
potential.
• Stranger danger: I'm afraid someone will hurt or
attack my child.
• Bullying: I'm afraid my child won't fit in socially or will
get picked on.
• Peer Pressure: I’m afraid they would get mixed up
with the wrong crowd, get into trouble.

17. Are you prepared?
‫اا‬ ‫ا‬ ‫اااا‬ ‫اا‬ ‫ا‬ ‫ااا‬ ‫اا‬
‫ا‬ ‫اااا‬
Who is your Lord ?
What is your religion ?
What do you have to
say about this person ?
‫ااااا‬ ‫ا‬ ‫اااا‬ ‫ااا‬
‫اااا‬ ‫ااااا‬ ‫ا‬ ‫ااااااا‬
‫اااااا‬ ‫اااا‬
Allah is my Lord
Islam is my religion
Rasoolullah Salla Allahu
ta'ala 'alayhi wa Sallam
(He is the Messenger of
Almighty Allah

18. Activity
How to prepare children for these
three questions?

19. Parenting Styles and Outcomes
We know that the way children are
parented when they are young
influences the type of people they
become.
How?
Why?

20. Authoritarian:
Limits without Freedom
Definition:
Parents’ word is law, parents have absolute
control.
• Misconduct is punished
• Affection and praise are rarely give
• Parents try to control children's’ behavior and attitudes
• They value unquestioned obedience
• Children are told what to do, how to do it, and where to
do it, and when to do it.

21. Outcomes of Authoritarian Style
•Obedient
•Distrustful
•Discontent
•Withdrawn
•Unhappy
•Hostile
•Not High Achievers
•Often Rebel
•Children are often prevented
from making a conscious
choice about particular
behavior because they are
overly concerned about what
their parents will do.
‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫ح‬‫ننن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫نن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫نن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫ح‬‫نن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬
‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫ح ح‬
‫ننح‬‫ن‬ ‫ح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫نن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫نن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬ ‫نح‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫نن‬‫ن‬
‫نن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ن‬‫ح ح ن‬‫ن‬
(Ale-Imran: 159)

22. Permissive:
Freedom without limits
Definition:
Parents allow their children to do their own
thing.
• Little respect for order and routine.
• Parents make few demands on children.
• Discipline is lax
• Parents are resources rather than standard makers
• Rarely punish
• Non controlling, non-demanding
• Usually warm
• Children walk all over the parents

23. Outcome of Permissive Parenting
•Aggressive
•Least self-
controlled
•Least
exploratory
•Most unhappy
•Children from permissive
homes receive so little
guidance that they often
become uncertain and
anxious about whether
they are doing the right
thing.

24. Authoritative:
Freedom within limits.
Definition:
Middle ground between the two above
• Stress freedom along with rights of others and responsibilities of
all
• Parents set limits and enforce rules
• Willing to listen receptively to child’s requests and questions.
• Both loves and limits
• Children contribute to discussion of issues and make some of
their own decisions
• Exert firm control when necessary, but explain reasoning behind
it.
• Respect children’s interest, opinions, unique personalities.
• Loving, consistent, demanding
• Reasonable expectations and realistic standards.

25. Outcomes of Authoritative Style
•Happy
•Mostly self-
controlled
•Content, friendly,
generous
•Cooperative
•High-achiever‘
•Children, learn how to
formulate goals. They also
experience the satisfaction
that comes from meeting
responsibilities and achieving
success.
‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ةا ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة ة‬‫ ة‬ ‫ ةا‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة ة‬‫ ةا ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ةا ة‬‫ ة ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ةا ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ةا ة‬‫ ة ة‬‫ ة ة‬ ‫ا ا‬)al-Nahl: 125(

27. Assess your parenting style

28. Summery of Parenting Styles

30. Assess your Parenting Style-1

31. Assess your Parenting Style-2

32. Score Yourself

34. Roughhouses with children; plays
louder
Encourage competition
Do not modify language for the
child’s sake
Talk is brief, direct, and to the point,
with subtle body language and facial
expressions
Help children prepare for harshness
and reality of the real world
Gentle with children; plays
quieter
Encourage equity
Simplifies words and talks on
child’s level
Talk is more descriptive,
personal, expressive of feelings,
and verbally encouraging
Help protect children from the
real world
Fathers: Mothers:
Parenting styles……

35. Model traits of men and how to treat
women
Encourage children to take chances,
push limits
Stress justice, fairness, and duty
Encourages independence from
family
Teaches a sense of right and wrong
with discipline
Model traits of women and
how to treat men
Encourages caution and
protection of self
Stress sympathy, care, and
help
Encourages security in the
family
Teaches a sense of
hopefulness with discipline
Fathers: Mothers:
Parenting styles……

36. 1. Children learn about our values through daily
interactions with us.
2. Children learn through our example.
3. Children learn through the values we strive toward.
4. Children learn values through the way we do things as
a class team.
5. Children learn values and beliefs through their
exposure to the larger world.
6. Children learn values through our explanations of the
world.

37. Understand your child
• Need to belong
• Seek Attention
• Sharp Observation
• Reaction to obstacles
There is a mass of research to demonstrate
that the more touch a child gets in
childhood, the calmer and less fearful he is
likely to be in adulthood....

38. Link child to Allah Ta’ala
• Raise according to Quran and Sunnah
• Be right role model
• Provide Islamic environment
• Paint right picture of Allah Ta’ala
• Stories of Rasulillah (SAW) and Sahabah
• Ultimate Authority is Allah Ta’ala
‫وي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫ي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫وو‬‫و‬ ‫وي‬‫و‬‫وو‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫وي‬‫و‬‫وو‬‫و‬ ‫وي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬
‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫ي‬‫وو‬‫و‬ ‫وي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫ووي‬‫و‬ ‫وي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫ي‬
‫و‬‫و‬‫وو‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫ي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫وي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫وو‬ ‫وي‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬ ‫ي‬ ‫ي‬‫وو‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫و‬‫ووو‬‫و‬ ‫ي‬
(Luqman: 13)

39. •Dads spend 8 minutes,
•Working mothers spend 11 minutes,
•Stay-at-home moms spend less than 30 minutes
Nearly 20 percent of students in grades 6 through 12
report that they have not had a 10-minute conversation
with at least one of their parents in more than a month.
Family time…..Each day

40. Teach them respect
‘The one who does not have mercy on our younger ones,
and does not show respect to elders is not from among
us. ‘ (Bukhari)
• Respect vs Disrespect
• Role Model respect
• Polite manners

41. Activity
Describe all parenting styles for following
situations:
3. Your child's room is a mess.
4. It is time for your child to come home, but he/she is in the middle of a
project and wants to finish it first.
5. Your son came in later than he was supposed to with a worried look on
his face.
6. Your daughter came home from the store with a candy bar that was
not hers.
.......................................................................................................................................
PERMISSIVE: For each of the following situations, you must decide how you, as
parents, will handle it. Write your answers on a sheet of paper so you can report
them to the class.
1. It is bedtime and the children do not want to go to bed.
2. Your child broke a favorite toy.
3. Your child's room is a mess.
4. It is time for your child to come home, but he/shels-in the middle of a
project and wants to finish it first.
5. Your son came in later than he was supposed to with a worried look on
his face. ,.
6. Your daughter came home from the store with a candy bar that was
not hers.
.......................................................................................................................................
DEMOCRATIC: For each of the following situations, you must decide how you,
as parents, will handle it. Write your answers on a sheet of paper so you can
report them to the class.

42. “I love you Dad”
A man was polishing his new car; his 4 yr old daughter
picked up a stone and scratched on the side of the car. In
anger, the furious Man took his child’s hand & hit it many
times, not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital,
the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.
When the child saw her father, with painful eyes he asked
‘Dad when will my fingers grow back?’ The man was so
hurt and speechless. He went back to the car and kicked it
many times. Devastated by his own actions, sitting in front
of the car he looked at the scratches, His daughter had
written ‘LOVE YOU DAD’.

43. To get in touch…..
Facebook: Dr. Kanwal Kaisser
Twitter: Dr. Kanwal Kaisser @HamarayBachchay
hbheadoffice@gmail.com