Overcoming Shame

Overcoming
Shame
By Nilesh Mandlecha
(Psychologist & MBA in Human Resource
Development)

Examples of Shame
Mobile lost - video of sex with
wife got viral on social media -
suicide
CA Pass declared in paper
but actually failed
Divorce or Separation Loud fights between families
Extra Marital Relationship
revealed
Cloths you put or your
partner putting
Not taking care of parent Jailed
Fired from Job Failed in Exam
Living in areas which
surrounded by hut
Psychiatric Problem
Alcoholic in Family Erectile dysfunction
Stealing Weakness reveled

Shame-Related Inferences
1) I have Fallen short of my Ideal
2) I have let Down my reference Group
3) I have been let Down by a member
of my Reference Group
4) Others are Judging me Negatively

What is reference group?
• A reference group is a group with whom a person
closely identifies.
• A person probably has a number of reference
groups in his life.
Example - family, friendship groups, religious group
& cultural group.
• Each group has some rules and if person breaks
the rules the group would consider that he has let
them down.
• The inference that person has let down a reference
group may or may not be accurate

1) I have Fallen short of my Ideal
• Broken some Social Code -
Example - Sara BPCA food
• Shame is often experienced when others
are physically present -
• Imagines others are physically present -
Imagine others have discovered what you
did (or did not do)
Example - Chembur Client

People who feel ashamed do so because
they infer that
a) They have fallen short in their
behaviour
b) In what they think or imagine
c) In what they feel
d) In some aspect of their physical self
(Behave - Think - Feel - Physical Body)

People who feel ashamed do so because they infer that
a) The Person has fallen short in his behaviour
(what person did or what he failed to do)
i) Person did something that constitutes a weakness
in his eyes -
Example - Crying in public, Acting foolishly in public
ii) Person identifies an incident where he broke a
social code -
Example - Spoke about taboo topic in front of a group
iii) Person identifies an incident where he failed to live
up to his social code
Example - He considers it to be important to treat
people politely but failed to treat a waiter with
politeness

b) The person focuses on his thoughts and images
and feel ashamed about.
Examples -
• He thinks of harming his child.
• He pictures himself having sex with a member of
his own gender when he is not gay.
• He thinks blasphemous(तिरस्कारी) thoughts.
(Blasphemous - Irreverent or impious words and actions especially
against something religious. If you draw Jesus Christ wearing lipstick,
Spitting on a cross or call Buddha a fat slob)

c) The person focuses on his emotions and
how he expresses them.
Examples -
• Feels unhealthily angry towards significant
others or shows anger in a ‘nasty’ way
• Feels maliciously envious towards a friend
who is rich and skillful
• Demonstrates unhealthy jealousy in public

d) The person focuses on his body -
• The person might feel ashamed of some
aspect of his body that he considers to be
particularly unattractive.
Examples –
• A nose she considers to be too big
• Buttocks/thighs she considers to be too fat
• Breasts she considers too large or too small

2) I have let Down my reference Group –
When a person feels ashamed about letting down a
reference group, then:
a) Person breaks rules of a valued reference
group.
b)Person thinks that the group ‘feels’ let down
by him.
Examples:
• Marry out of his religion
• Get caught stealing
• Display emotion in public

3) I have been let Down by a member of
my Reference Group -
When member of persons reference
group has broken one of the group’s
‘let down’ rules and then thinks that the
person has let him and the group down.
Examples -
• Married out of the person’s religion.
• Got caught stealing.
• Displayed emotion in public

4) Others are Judging me Negatively -
• It is difficult for a person to feel ashamed
without making the inference that another
person, but more frequently a group of people,
judge her negatively.
• Again, whether or not these people are actually
making such negative judgements is not as
important as whether the person thinks they
are.
• The person’s feelings of shame are more likely
to be acute if the group judging her negatively
is physically present, but such feelings can
also be present if person thinks about the
group making such negative judgements.

4) Others are Judging me Negatively –
Examples
• Others communicate their displeasure
at the person directly.
• Others communicate their disgust at
the person directly.
• Others turn away from the person in
disgust.
• Others demonstrate that they look
down on the person (Buddhist, Muslim)
• Others ignore the person.

The Major Shame
Based negative
Self-Judgments

The Major Shame-Based
negative Self-Judgments
•‘I am defective’
•‘I am insignificant’
•‘I am not good enough’
•‘I am weak/pathetic’
•‘I am disgusting’

Difference
Between Guilt
and Shame

Difference Between Guilt and Shame
(Both involve self depreciation but they differ)
Guilt Shame
In Guilt you only tend to
depreciate yourself
about your own
behaviour and standard
You can feel ashamed not
only about your own
behaviour but also the
behaviour of members of
social group with whom you
closely identify
You will not talk about
brining guilt on your
family
You may talk about bringing
shame on your family but you
will not talk about brining
guilt on your family
Guilt is about self
disapproval
Shame is about others
disapproval

Difference Between Guilt and Shame
(Both involve self depreciation but they differ)
Guilt Shame
I must not have done
this, and I am a bad
person for having
done it.
I failed to achieve a
standard I had set for
myself in a social
context, so I am less of a
person.
Self is seen strong -
In Guilt, one views self
as a powerful person
who could have
exercised power and
not to have done it
Self is seen weak -
In Shame, one views self
as a weak person and not
having achieved a pre-set
standard

To identify your shame related inference
ask your self following questions
• What did I feel most ashamed about in the
situation I was in?
• When I felt shame
a) What negative thing about me (or others
with whom I identify) was revealed?
b) In what way I think I fell very short of my
ideal?
c) What did I think others thought about me
(or others with whom I identify)?

Use the magic
question
technique

If you still cannot identify your shame-related inference
Use the magic question technique
• Focus on the situation in which you felt
ashamed
• Without changing the situation, ask
yourself:
What one thing would eliminate or
significantly reduce my shame?
• The opposite is what you’re most ashamed
about.

If you still cannot identify your shame-related inference
Use the magic question technique
Here’s how Rupesh used this technique:
• I felt ashamed when I got a lower second
degree.
• If I didn’t think I had significantly
underperformed, I wouldn’t have felt
ashamed.
• I felt most ashamed about significantly
underperforming on my degree

Irrational beliefs
about Shame-
Related Inference
and Examples

Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related
Inference
1) Shame about Falling short of an Ideal
Rigid Belief:
‘I must not fall short of my
ideal
Self Depreciation Belief:
‘. . . and because I have fallen
short, I am an inadequate
person’

Inference
1) Shame about Falling short of an Ideal
Situation:
Rajesh’s ideal was to handle matters without
showing anger. One day at work he lost his
temper in front of his work colleagues.
Rigid Belief:
‘I must not lose my temper in public
…and because I have lost temper in public, I
am an inadequate person.’

Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference
2) Shame about Letting down a reference
group
Rigid Belief:
‘I must not let my reference
group down’
‘. . . and because I have let
them down, I am a shameful
person’

2) Shame about Letting down a reference group
Situation:
Pratik belongs to a gang whose code of honor is
always to support one another no matter what.
Let’s suppose further that Pratik breaks that
code by failing to support another gang member,
thus letting down the gang.
Rigid Belief:
I absolutely should not have betrayed my
fellow gang member.
‘...and because I did, I am a shameful person.’

Inference
3) Shame about being let Down by a member
of her Reference group
Rigid Belief:
‘A member of my reference group
must not let me and the group down’
‘. . . and because they have let us
down, it proves that we are
inadequate’

3) Shame about being let Down by a member of
his Reference group
Situation:
One of Aditi reference group that she is member considers
crying in public to be a ‘let down’.
One day, Ritesh, a member of Aditi’s reference group, cried
in front of others: she viewed this as Ritesh letting her
reference group down. Aditi felt ashamed of Ritesh’s ‘let
down’ behaviour
Rigid Belief:
‘Ritesh absolutely should not have broken down in tears in
front of other people
‘……and because he did it proves that we are all (in our
reference group) inadequate, weak, spineless individuals.’

Rational and
Irrational Beliefs
about shame some
Examples

Irrational Belief
(Shame)
Rational Belief
(Disappointment)
Rigid Belief:
I absolutely should not
have revealed a weakness
by crying in front of my
boss
Flexible Belief:
I wish that I hadn’t revealed a
weakness by crying in front of
my boss, but there is no reason
why I absolutely shouldn’t have
done so
If I show a weakness to
my boss by crying in
front of him, then I am a
weak, defective person.
Unconditional Self
Acceptance Belief:
If I cry in front of my boss
and thus reveal a weakness
to him, this does not make
me a weak, defective person.
Rather I am a fallible human
being who on this occasion
acted weakly.

Irrational Belief
(Shame)
Rational Belief (Disappointment)
Rigid Belief:
I must not stammer in
public and if I do this
would prove that I am
defective
Flexible Belief:
I would much prefer it if I did not
stammer in public, but there is no
reason why I must not do so. If I
stammer in public this would only
prove that I am a fallible human
being with a speech defect. I would
not be a defective person
If I stammer, people will
laugh at me which they
must not do. If they
laugh at me, this will
prove once again that I
am defective
Unconditional Self Acceptance Belief:
There is no reason why people must
not laugh at me if I stammer, although I
would much prefer it if they didn’t. But
if they do I can once again accept
myself as a person with a speech
defect. If they think I am a defective
person, they are wrong.

Chronic shame based
General Rational Belief
How to deal with Chronic Shame
I must ensure that I and
people with whom I am
closely connected must
always achieve the
highest of standards and
be socially approved and
if not it proves that we are
defective disgusting or
diminished.
I would like to ensure that I
and people with whom I am
closely connected always
achieve the highest standards
and be socially approved, but I
do not have to do so. If I do not
it would be unfortunate, but it
would prove that we are not
defective, disgusting or
diminished. Rather, it would
prove that we are fallible
human beings and that does
not change whether or not we
are humiliated and
disapproved of.

Irrational Belief
(Shame)
Rational Belief
(Disappointment)
I must not fall
short of my
high social
standards, and
I am defective if
I do
I really don’t want to fall
very short of my high
social standards, but
that does not mean that
I must not do so. If I do
that It would be
unfortunate, but it
would not prove that I
am defective. Rather it
proves that I am fallible.

Irrational Belief -
Dealing with Shame
about Shame (Shame)
Rational Belief -Dealing with
shame about shame
(Disappointment)
I must not fall from
grace by experiencing
shame and I am
defective for so doing
I would much prefer not to fall
from grace by experiencing
shame, but that doesn’t mean
that I must not have this
feeling. If I do, it's unfortunate,
but does not prove I am
defective. It proves that I am an
ordinary, fallible human being
capable of experiencing a
range of healthy and unhealthy
emotions including shame.
Shame does not and cannot
define me.

Irrational Belief
(Shame)
Rational Belief
(Disappointment)
I must not fall short of my
high social standards and
I am defective if I do
I really don’t want to fall very
short of my high
I absolutely should not
have revealed this
weakness and I am a
weak person for doing so
I would have much preferred
not to have revealed this
weakness, but sadly I am not
immune from doing so and
neither do I have to be so
immune. I am not a weak
person for revealing this
weakness, rather I am a
fallible human being who is
capable of acting weakly and

Thinking that Stems
from Shame-Based
Irrational beliefs and
Disappointment-Based
rational beliefs

Thinking that Stems
from Shame-Based
Irrational beliefs
Thinking that Stems
from Disappointment-
Based rational beliefs
You
overestimate
the negativity of
the information
revealed.
You see the
information
revealed in a
compassionate
self-accepting
context

Thinking that Stems
from Shame-Based
Irrational beliefs
Thinking that Stems
You overestimate
the likelihood
that the judging
group will notice
or be interested
in the
information.
You are realistic
about the
likelihood that the
judging group will
notice or be
interested in the
information
revealed.

Thinking that Stems
from Shame-Based
Irrational beliefs
Thinking that Stems
You
overestimate the
degree of
disapproval you
(or your
reference group)
will receive.
You are realistic
about the degree
of disapproval you
(or your reference
group) will receive

Thinking that Stems
from Shame-Based
Irrational beliefs
Thinking that Stems
You
overestimate
how long any
disapproval
will last.
You are realistic
about how long
any disapproval
will last.

Behaviour that Stems
from Shame-Based
Irrational beliefs and
rational beliefs

from Shame-Based
Irrational beliefs
Behaviour that Stems from
rational beliefs
• You remove
yourself from the
“gaze” of others
•You isolate yourself
from others
•You save face by
attacking other(s)
who have “shamed”
you
You continue to
participate actively in
social interaction

from Shame-Based
Irrational beliefs
•You defend your
threatened self-
esteem in self-
defeating ways.
•You ignore
attempts by
others to restore
social equilibrium.
You respond
positively to
attempts of others
to restore social
equilibrium.

How to examine the
accuracy of your
shame related
inference?

How to examine the accuracy of your
shame related inference?
• How valid is my inference that I have fallen
very short of my ideal (for example)?
• Would an objective jury agree that I have
fallen very short of my ideal?
If not, what would their verdict be?
• Is my inference that I have fallen very short
of my ideal realistic?
If not, what is a more realistic inference?

• If I asked someone I could trust to
give me an objective opinion about
my inference that I have fallen very
short of my ideal, what would that
person say to me and why?
What inference would he or she
encourage me to make instead?

• If a friend told me he had made the
same inference about falling very
short of his ideal in the same
situation, what would I say to him
about the validity of his inference
and why?
What inference would I encourage
him to make instead?

Dealing with
Shame by
using Imagery

Dealing with Shame using Imagery
• Imagine a specific situation in which you
felt ashamed or may feel ashamed when
o Something highly negative has been revealed
about you (or about a group with whom you
identify) by yourself or by others;
o You have acted in a way that falls very short
of your ideal and/or
o You think others look down on or shun you
(or a group with whom you identify)
Focus on what you felt most ashamed about
(i.e. your 'A’) while rehearsing a specific and
relevant RB. Try to make yourself feel
disappointed but not ashamed.

Dealing with Shame using Imagery
• Imagine yourself acting in ways consistent with
your RB, e.g. holding your head up high and
dealing with relevant issues with relevant
people rather than hiding away from them.
• Recognize that some of your post-belief
thinking may be distorted.
Respond without getting bogged down doing
so. Accept the presence of any remaining
distorted thoughts without engaging with them.
• Repeat these steps until you feel ready to put
this sequence into practice in your life.

Dealing with meta
emotional problem
about shame

Dealing with emotional problem
about shame
• Anxious about the prospect of
experiencing shame
• Depressed about feeling shame
• Ashamed about feeling shame
• Unhealthily angry with yourself for
making yourself feel shame

Deal with meta-shame
When you feel ashamed about experiencing shame, you
see your original shame as a weakness & hold a set of IBs
Irrational Belief Rational Belief
‘I mustn’t have
this weakness
and because I do,
this proves I’m a
weak, defective
person’
‘I’d prefer not to feel shame as
it’s a weakness, but I’m not
immune from this feeling, nor do
I have to be immune. I’m not a
weak, defective person for
having this weakness. I’m a
fallible, complex, u`nrateable
person who has strengths and
weaknesses’

Views of the world that render you
vulnerable to shame
and
Views of the world that help you
deal with shame

Dealing with Shame
Views of the world that
render you vulnerable to
shame
help you deal with
shame
World View -
There is always the danger
that I will not achieve my
ideal standards.
Inference -
I have not reached my ideal
and I am showing a
weakness.
There is always this
danger, but these
standards are there to
guide me, not to be
achieved all the time

Dealing with Shame
render you vulnerable
to shame
Views of the world that help
you deal with shame
World View -
Social situations are
dangerous because I
may be exposed at any
moment.
Inference -
If I reveal a weakness,
no matter how small,
people will easily spot
this.
Social situations can be
dangerous, but they can
also be gentle and kind.
If I put a foot wrong, people
may judge me negatively,
but they may also show me
understanding and
compassion.

Dealing with Shame
render you vulnerable to
shame
help you deal with shame
World View -
Social situations are
dangerous because
other people will judge
me negatively if I put a
foot wrong.
Inference -
If I reveal a weakness,
people will judge me
negatively.
If I fall short of my ideal or
go against a social
custom, I am revealing my
fallibility and my
humanity.
This makes social
situations far less
dangerous.

View of the world Founded on Shame-based
Irrational beliefs
World view: Inference:
There is always the danger that
I will not achieve my ideal
standards.
I have not reached my ideal and am
showing a weakness.
Social situations are dangerous
because I may be exposed at
any moment.
If I reveal a weakness, no matter how
small, people will easily spot this.
Social situations are dangerous
because other people will judge
me negatively if I put a foot
wrong.
If I reveal a weakness, people will judge
me negatively.

Overcoming Shame

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