The “Course Topics” series from Manage Train Learn and Slide Topics is a collection of over 4000 slides that will help you master a wide range of management and personal development skills. The 202 PowerPoints in this series offer you a complete and in-depth study of each topic. This presentation is on "Assertiveness Training".

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Assertiveness Training
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MTL Course Topics
ASSERTIVENESS
Assertiveness Training

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Assertiveness Training
Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
The Course Topics series from Manage Train Learn is a large collection of topics that will help you as a learner
to quickly and easily master a range of skills in your everyday working life and life outside work. If you are a
trainer, they are perfect for adding to your classroom courses and online learning plans.
COURSE TOPICS FROM MTL
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ARE YOU READY?
OK, LET’S START!

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INTRODUCTION
Many people who find themselves in unsatisfactory
relationships believe that the only way they can change the
situation is to force others to change. The truth is that this
only leads to a spiral of aggression and conflict. We cannot
change others by our own demands and there is no real
lasting change if we use force to make others do what we
want. The only way we can change a situation we are not
happy with is to change ourselves. This is the opportunity
offered by Assertiveness training.

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TRAINING TO BE ASSERTIVE
People undertake Assertiveness training for general reasons
and specific reasons.
General reasons:
"I'm fed up with always being pushed around."
"Nobody ever listens to me."
"I'm always taken for granted."
"Nothing works around here without bitter rows.
Specific reasons:
"I want to stop being harassed."
"I want to compete on equal terms with others."
"I want my staff to have a bigger say in what we do."
Others may reject Assertiveness training because...
"It sounds too trendy."
"That's OK for those who can't cope."
"Where we come from, we don't talk about feelings."
"I know all that stuff!"

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RE-PROGRAMMING OURSELVES
Assertiveness training is a way to re-programme the Adult
persona that in our childhood and perhaps for much of our
lives gives us a false idea of who we are and can become.
In particular, it re-programmes...
1. our tendency to seek blame - of others or ourselves -
when things don't quite go the way we want
2. our false self-images which depend on how strong we
are in comparison to others
3. our life scripts which condemn us to the role others
think we should have
4. the "musts", "shoulds" and "oughts" of our survival
strategies
5. our reliance on survival strategies that require us to be:
perfect; needed; successful; special; clever; safe; happy;
strong; free.

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RE-PROGRAMMING TECHNIQUES
These are the twelve re-programming techniques which you
can learn as part of an Assertiveness training programme...
1. Rational Emotive Therapy
2. The ABC technique
3. Changing "musts" into preferences
4. Changing the self-talk
5. Accessing resourceful states
6. Eliciting, calibrating and anchoring
7. Swishing the curtain
8. Affirmations
9. Permissions
10. Visualisations
11. Modelling
12. Scripting

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RATIONAL EMOTIVE THERAPY
Rational Emotive Therapy (RET) is a comprehensive method
of psychotherapy developed by Albert Ellis.
The basic proposition of RET is that all undesirable emotions
can be traced to irrational beliefs. Since we are all born with
the potential to be rational or irrational, we can change our
thinking from irrational into rational through the use of a
range of practised techniques.
Some of these techniques include...
1. repeating strong rational statements
2. analysis of the beliefs which lead to unwanted emotions
3. unconditional acceptance of ourselves
4. the elimination of fear, shame and embarrassment
5. laughing at our silly thoughts and "musts"
6. the ABC sequence.

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THE NINE GREAT C'S
The nine great C's of Rational Emotive Therapy (RET) stand
for the seven major irrational beliefs that our faulty
programming gives us.
They are...
1. I must be competent
2. I must be compassionate
3. I must be confident
4. I must be conforming
5. I must be clever
6. I must be careful
7. I must be cheerful
8. I must be in control
9. I must be carefree
Our self-worth does not depend on us being any of these if
we don't want to be. We have it in us to choose. When we
choose to be competent, compassionate, confident etc, we
can replace the words "I must" with "I want to".

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THE ABC TECHNIQUE
The ABC technique is a technique used in Rational Emotive
Therapy that separates thought, feeling and action so that
we can make more desirable choices about how to feel and
behave.
The sequence is...
A - Activating event
B - Beliefs
C – Consequences
An example of the ABC sequence is a call to the boss's
office. Normally the call might trigger a belief that this spells
trouble, the consequence of which is that you go into a
fight-flight mode. By changing your belief about what the
call might mean, you can learn to stay in neutral and give
yourself a range of resources to deal with whatever the
situation is about.

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CHANGING BELIEFS
People often get stuck in self-perpetuating situations
because they cannot change their beliefs. Frogs firmly
believe that their food is small, black and flies in the air.
When you place dead flies in front of frogs, they will totally
disregard them and go hungry.
"We have learned during our upbringing how to protect
ourselves from danger, rejection, ridicule, disgust and other
undesirable responses to our behaviour. We have developed
a "socially acceptable" way of being. Sometimes we call this
good manners, or politeness, or conformity, or being
inhibited, all of which serve to keep us safe.
But learning is about adventure. It is about lowering the
barriers and allowing ourselves the freedom to be different
from how we might normally be. Unless we are able to do
this, our learning will be limited and narrow and has to fit
who we have become rather than who we are." (Trevor
Bentley)

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MUSTS INTO PREFERENCES
The survival mechanisms of our early years programme us
with the "musts" that we believe are the key to winning
back the love and approval of others: I must work hard; I
must succeed; I must be strong and so on.
The "musts" stay with us throughout our whole lives
exerting a greater or lesser influence over us. The trouble
with "musts" is that they are outside our control and we can
never hope to satisfy them.
By mentally changing a "must" into a preference, three
things happen...
1. We are in control. Not "I must" but "I prefer to work
tonight."
2. We don't get unhappy if things don't work out.
3. We can shrug our shoulders and walk away. "I prefer to be
strong in this situation, but, if not, oh, well..."

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HOLD ON TIGHTLY, LET GO LIGHTLY
When we re-phrase our "musts" into preferences or
"wishes", we can "hold on tightly and let go lightly".
This means we should go for the very best we can by
working for what we want: holding on tightly. But if these
things don't come about, for reasons which we cannot
control or for mistakes we make or just that we decide it's
no longer worth it, we should simply let them go as easily as
releasing a balloon into the sky: letting go lightly.
"I hold on tightly to seek the best options available to me
and this enables me to avoid a victim consciousness. To fully
play the game of life, I go for what I want. But if life isn't
giving it to me, I can let go lightly. By changing my demands
into preferences, I increasingly live life with relaxed
enjoyment. No more beating my head against the brick wall
of "what is". (Ken Keyes)

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CHANGING THE SELF-TALK
We must be careful how we talk to ourselves. The labels and
self-talk we give ourselves often create a ceiling that has no
relationship to our true potential. This can be changed by
changing the label and the self-talk.
Example: I'm shy.
When we perceive it: Social situations.
The biofeedback: Feeling nervous and uptight.
Our self-talk: I can't handle this.
Behaviour that results from the self-talk: Withdraw, freeze,
act aloof, say the wrong thing, get tongue-tied, feel sweaty,
panic
Changing the label and self-talk: I am someone who is
interested in others. It is easy for me to meet and be
friendly with all kinds of people. I enjoy meeting new people
and discovering new things about them.

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BREAKING VICIOUS CYCLES
Negative self-talk feeds on the very thing it is trying to
avoid: negativity, lack of confidence, unassertiveness. Thus
the negative self-talk of someone feeling nervous might run
as follows..."I feel nervous. Oh God, I'm trembling and
panicking. I'm panicking, so...I feel nervous.“
The only way to break this vicious cycle is to interrupt it so
that the negative trigger (I feel nervous) is the spur to a
confidence-building programme.
"I feel nervous. So I'll breathe deeply in the abdomen, let my
abdomen expand slowly like a balloon, feel my ribs fill with
air, listen to my calm breathing, consciously relax every
muscle. Now that I'm calm, I can assertively call upon the
most resourceful state that I need to give me what I would
like.“
This technique is used by people in innumerable situations,
including women in childbirth.

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SELF-ESTEEM
The labels and self-talk we give ourselves are conditioned by
our self-esteem. Both aggressive and non-assertive attitudes
have their origin in low self-esteem.
These are the ways self-esteem can be increased...
1. tell yourself you accept who you are with all your quirks
and imperfections
2. like who you are
3. lessen your dependence on what others think and
increase your regard for what you think
4. understand that what you do is not the same as who
you are. Never say "I am stupid", rather "what I just did
was stupid".
5. be kind to yourself; give yourself treats now and again
6. don't let any successes go by without acknowledging
them
7. remember that raising your self-esteem takes time.

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SOMETHING SPECIAL INSIDE
It is always tempting for unassertive people to believe that
either they are born without any special gifts or that they
have to work harder than others to develop them. Not so.
"The Wise are Who They Are. They work with what they've
got and do what they can do. There are things about
ourselves that we need to get rid of; there are things we
need to change. But, at the same time, we do not need to
be too desperate, too ruthless, too combative.
Along the way to usefulness and happiness, many of those
things will change themselves and the others can be worked
on as we go. The first thing we need to do is recognize and
trust our own Inner Nature and not lose sight of it.
For within the Ugly Duckling is the Swan. Inside the Bouncy
Tigger is the Rescuer who knows the Way and in each of us
is something Special and that we need to keep." (Benjamin
Hoff: "The Tao of Pooh")

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RESOURCEFUL STATES
This is how to access resourceful assertive states:
1. identify the unsatisfactory situation you want to change.
Find a cue that particularly sets you off into aggressive or
non-assertive modes.
2. Identify the assertive state you'd like to be in. This could
be relaxed, calm, articulate, confident. Think about the voice
tone, the body language and the movements you make.
3. Check you really want it in this situation.
4. Now think of a previous time when you experienced this
state.
5. Re-experience the state in all its representations: how you
spoke, how you sat, how you looked and so on. Re-
experience it at its peak.
7. Connect the old experience with the new one that you
want to change. Find a simple cue or trigger that tells you to
access the resourceful state.
8. Test that it works and then try it out in the real situation.

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ELICITING AND CALIBRATING
The terms "eliciting", "calibrating" and "anchoring" resource
states are all taken from the self-training technique known
as neuro-linguistic programming.
Eliciting a state means re-calling the preferred state with its
sounds, images and feelings.
Calibrating a state means recognising the state you are
looking for.
Anchoring a state means finding a signal which triggers the
state you desire.
So when we hear the boss on the other end of the phone
asking: "Have you got a minute?", we use this as a trigger
for a state of relaxation, clear thinking and expectations of a
win-win outcome by recalling such a state from our past. No
matter what our perception of each phone call from the
boss, the call and this state are now inextricably linked.

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ANCHORS
Anchors are signs that we use to put ourselves in a desired
state, such as Assertiveness. They are the triggers to
resourceful, relaxed and focused attention.
Anchors may be visual, auditory or sensate (touch, feel,
taste and smell). So, for example, we might anchor a feeling
of excited anticipation when we see the clock at 9.30 on the
morning of an important meeting. Or we might anchor the
state to the voice of the receptionist or the smell of the
polished boardroom table.
Many sports people use anchors to get themselves
grounded in the right mental attitude. Some touch lucky
mascots before they go out to play; some shout a chant like
the New Zealand All Blacks performing the "hakka" before a
rugby match; tennis players make sure the ball bounces in
the correct way before they serve.

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SWISHING THE CURTAIN
"Swishing the curtain" is a technique borrowed from neuro-
linguistic-programming (NLP) that replaces one state with a
more desired one.
These are the steps...
1. identify the situation you want to change eg your
unassertive manner in front of your boss.
2. identify the cues, eg his invasion of your space.
3. imagine what assertive action you might take, eg stepping
to his side.
4. think about the "you" you want to be: calm, relaxed, non-
confrontational.
5. identify the different mental and physical frames for the
assertive "you": the stance, the head, the voice, the
expression, the gestures.
6. See the old picture on a large screen and the new
assertive picture on a small screen. With a "swish" as if
pulling a curtain, mentally replace the picture on the large
old screen with the picture on the small new screen.

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AFFIRMATIONS: I AM...
An affirmation is a written description of the assertive "you"
you would like to be. When you write it down, and use the
present tense, you are providing yourself with a new self-
image.
An affirmation should start with the words "I am..." for
example: "I am a person who likes myself and am worthy of
the respect of others.“
According to one researcher, just reading an affirmation has
only a 10% impact on changing us; reading and picturing the
affirmation in a real situation has a 55% impact; reading,
picturing and feeling the emotions of the new situation we
want has a 100% impact.
"I know that I am an artist." (Beethoven)
"I am by temperament a conquistador." (Sigmund Freud)
"I am the Resurrection and the Life." (Jesus)

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PERMISSIONS: I CAN...
Letting yourself know that it's OK to become assertive is an
important step in re-programming. Working with others
who are supportive, as in a group, can be a powerful way to
give yourself permission to change.
"Permission" is an essential element in sticking with an
Assertiveness training programme. It will help you overcome
some of the hurdles you will face such as...
1. not knowing enough about assertiveness
2. your own childhood conditioning telling you to behave
aggressively or passively
3. your OK or not-OK relationship with yourself
4. success or failure as you practice
5. not feeling like it
6. the non-co-operation of others.
It's OK to be assertive whenever you want!

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VISUALISATION: I WILL...
Visualisation has a powerful effect in re-programming our
mental images.
A study at the University of Moncton in New Brunswick,
Canada, tested spelling skills on students. Those students
who first visualised the spellings achieved 35% more correct
spellings than those who did not. Some students who
visualised obtained a total recall of the words.
There are two ways to make use of visualisation in
assertiveness training...
1. Creative visualisation: in creative visualisation, we
picture ourselves acting in assertive ways in situations
we want to change.
2. Video editing: in video editing, we recall pictures of
situations that didn't go the way we wanted and re-edit
them using assertive endings.

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ROLE MODELS
All successful people use role models on whom they model
themselves.
1. Alexander the Great modelled himself on Achilles;
2. Stravinsky modelled himself on Mozart;
3. American Blues singer Ray Charles modelled himself on
Nat King Cole;
4. football manager Sir Alex Ferguson on Sir Matt Busby.
When you model yourself on others you can adapt not just
the external features of their voice, their appearance and
their body language; but how they think and the way they
frame experience.
Role models of assertiveness might include real people
whom you know and work with, historical figures like
Mahatma Gandhi, Joan of Arc and the disabled champion
Helen Keller; or cartoon characters like Popeye.

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SCRIPTING
Scripting is a way to turn your non-assertive situations into
mini-plays which you can then act out and rehearse until
you are confident that they show you in an assertive way.
In scripting, you can actually write down what you and
others might say, ensuring that your replies are assertive.
You can then add stage directions so that your movements
and body language are also assertive.
Once you have a script ready, you can use a group to help
you walk it through, chalk it through or talk it through. You
can also use visualisation techniques to rehearse the scenes
in your head.

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THAT’S
IT!
WELL DONE!

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THANK YOU
This has been a Slide Topic from Manage Train Learn