The video for this presentation is available on our Youtube channel: https://youtube.com/allceuseducation A continuing education course for this presentation can be found at https://www.allceus.com/member/cart/index/index?c= Skills and Tools for Building Healthy Relationships including developing empathy, understanding the art of compromise, understanding the love languages, and preventing relationship sabotage

1. Relationship Skills
and Relationship Saboteurs
Presented by: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director, AllCEUs
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs and Specialty Certifications $59

2. Objectives
 Tips for Sweetening Your Relationship
 Steps for Building Empathy
 Tips for a Closer Relationship
 Tips for Compromise
 Tips for Getting Your Needs Met
 Tips for Giving Emotional Support
 Tips for Being More Thoughtful

3. Tips for Sweetening Your Relationship
 Love is a combination of emotions and actions including
talking, compassion and trust.
 Rewrite your vows/promises
 Have a re-commitment ceremony
 Imagine what life would be like if your partner were gone
 Communicate to your partner in his or her love language
 Receiving gifts
 Quality time
 Words of affirmation
 Acts of service (devotion)
 And physical touch

4. Sweetening
 Make an effort
 Write down a list of things your partner could do that
would make you feel loved/happy and exchange them.
 Remember (or get Google to remind you) of birthdays,
anniversaries, or just happy occasions and celebrate
 Celebrate for no reason
 If you have a disagreement, take a step back and try to
see it from your partner’s point of view

5. Sweetening
 Don’t let fear of being vulnerable or
abandonment undermine you
 Share hopes, dreams and fears.
 If becoming vulnerable makes you also become critical
and defensive, identify and work through the reasons
 Think back to hopes and dreams you shared when
you were dating...make it happen
 Remind you partner of the qualities you love
about them.

6. Building Empathy
 Empathy vs. sympathy
 Put yourself in their shoes (with their experiences)
 Identify 3 alternate reasons you partner may be feeling/acting the
way he or she is
 If your child was going through this situation, how would you feel?
 Remember that what you would want and need is not
necessarily what your partner wants and needs.
 Allow yourself to listen as if your only job is to understand
 Without preconceptions
 Knowing that you know nothing
 Free from trying to create consistency between your
feeling/perceptions and your partner’s feelings and perceptions… for
now just focus on understanding the unique experience of your
partner.

7. Empathy
 Think of a difficult time that you experienced and
answer all the questions
 What was your perception of the occurrence?
 What was troubling about this occurrence?
 What were the emotions that you felt at the time of the
occurrence?
 What emotions are being expressed in this moment?
 What do you need from you (which is often just to be
empathetic)?
 Start by taking time by yourself to practice using
these skills on yourself… your ability to understand
your own emotions will directly affect your ability
to empathize with your partner.

8. Empathy
 When your partner is relaying a difficult
experience, listen to be able to understand:
 What was his/her perception of the occurrence?
 What was troubling about this occurrence?
 What were the emotions that he/she felt at the time of
the occurrence?
 What emotions are being expressed in this moment?
 What does he/she need from you (which is often just to
be empathetic)?
 This can also be practiced in group or at home
using media clips of people arguing.

9. Tips for a Closer Relationship
 Use relationships to teach you how to be whole (and not
require another person to complete you)
 See (and accept) your partner for who he or she really is
 Be willing to learn from each other
 Be willing to compromise
 Get comfortable being alone
 Develop awareness of why you fight
 Own who you are
 Embrace ordinariness
 Let go of expectations and embrace what is
 Converse…Plan conversation starters

10. Tips for Compromise
 Create a win/win
 Compromise based on priorities
 Compromise based on needs
 Compromise between extroverts and introverts
 Compromise between detail oriented and big
picture people
 Compromise between rationally focused vs.
emotionally focused individuals
 Compromise between structured vs. spontaneous
people

11. Tips for Getting Your Needs Met
 Know what you need and define it in observable
terms. “I want to be happy,” isn’t helpful.
 Don’t expect mind reading
 Assertively state and own your feelings wants and
needs
 Communicate in the person’s preferred learning
style
 Remember it is about balance.
 Sometimes you have to meet your own needs

12. Giving Emotional Support
 Not everyone is comfortable with feeling words.
Reflect their vocabulary.
 Don’t assume you know why someone feels a certain
way.
 Emotional support can be shown through actions, not
just words.
 Giving gifts--- Emotional support cards
 Quality time – Taking a break or celebrating
 Words of affirmation
 Acts of service – help lighten the load
 Physical touch– hug, backrub

13. Being More Thoughtful
 Pay attention and ask what he or she likes (and
dislikes)
 Do things you don't want to do
 Keep A running list of gift ideas
 Write sweet notes/sms, or just a thank yous
 Remember important dates
 Truly listen to what your so has to say
 Be there during tough times, even if you're busy
 Start some personal rituals for the two of you:
Daily, Weekly, Annual

14. Saboteurs
 Insecurity
 Needing to control
 Fear of intimacy
 Needing to win
 Pessimism
 Needing to be center stage
 Addictions
 Martyrdom
 Defensiveness
 Breaking trust
 Prior abandonment issues
 Low Self-Esteem/ Fear of
Rejection
 Fear of failure/Conditions of
worth
 Emotionally unavailable
partner
 Projection/Transference
 Global, internal negative
attributions

15. Saboteur Sabotage
 Abandonment issues
 Identify why you fear abandonment from this partner
 Use the challenging questions worksheet to explore your
thoughts and feelings
 Identify what would need to be different for you to not fear
abandonment
 Low Self Esteem
 Complete the following sentence…I am a good person
because…
 Identify all of your strengths and weaknesses
 Of the weaknesses, identify which ones will help you be
more like the person you want to be.

16. Saboteur Sabotage
 Fear of Failure/Conditions of worth
 Many avoid relationships because they fear failure.
What does it mean if a relationship fails?
What can you learn?
 What would you tell a child who felt this way?
 Emotionally unavailable partner
 Communicate your need for an emotional connection
 Help him/her learn what being emotionally available
looks like to you. (love languages)

17. Saboteur Sabotage
 Projection/Transference
 Identify who this person reminds you of and how you are
trying to rewrite that story
 Become fully aware of who this person is and force yourself
to stop comparing them with others.
 Global, Internal Negative Attributions
 Examples
 People always…/never…
 I am…
 Make the attribution more specific
 Find exceptions to the statement
 Avoid extreme words like all, always, never

18. Summary
 Relationships are complicated.
 Basic areas to focus include
 Compassion/Emotional Support
 Effort/Thoughtfulness
 Compromise
 Embracing what is good instead of focusing on what is
wrong.
 Awareness of relationship saboteurs can also
prevent a great relationship from falling apart

19. Recommended Readings
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20.  Empathy Building Exercise
http://www.thoughtsfromatherapist.com/2011/0
6/08/empathy-building-exercise-%E2%80%93-
learning-to-be-empathetic-%E2%80%93-increasing-
emotional-understanding/
 Improving Relationships:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-ways-to-create-
a-strong-intimate-relationships/