The document provides advice from David Evans on how to live in paradise as a new or prospective faculty member. It discusses how grad school can feel like paradise except for having to write a dissertation. It also notes that while a professor position seems ideal, many professors are still miserable. Evans provides some advice on funding requests, teaching, and time management to help navigate an academic career.

1. How to Live in Paradise
Pearls of Wisdom for
New and Prospective Faculty
David Evans
www.cs.virginia.edu/evans
USENIX Security PhD Forum
21 August 2014

2. How to Live in Paradise
Perilous Wisdom for
New and Prospective Faculty
David Evans
www.cs.virginia.edu/evans
USENIX Security PhD Forum
21 August 2014

3. How to Live in Paradise
Pearls of Wisdom for
New and Prospective Faculty
David Evans
www.cs.virginia.edu/evans
USENIX Security PhD Forum
21 August 2014
disgruntled

4. Almost everyone hates their dissertation by the time
they’re done with it. The process inherently tends to
produce an unpleasant result, like a cake made out of
whole wheat flour and baked for twelve hours. Few
dissertations are read with pleasure, especially by their
authors.
And aside from that, grad school is close to paradise.
Many people remember it as the happiest time of their
lives. And nearly all the rest, including me, remember it
as a period that would have been, if they hadn't had to
write a dissertation.
Paul Graham, Undergraduation

5. Professor’s Paradasical Paradox
Grad Student = Paradise – dissertation
_+_ d_i_s_s_e_rt a t i o n_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ +_ _d_is_s_e_r_t_a_ti_o_n_ (_f_in_ished)
Professor = Paradise

6. ProPfreofsesssoor r’s Paradasica“lR Peaal Jroab”dox
Work with whomever you want Work with obnoxious,
incompetent people
Work on whatever you want Work on what your
boss/customers want
Work whenever you want Work when your employer wants
Own your own work. Employer owns you.
Get to say what you want. Say what your employer wants.
Fail without consequences Failing gets you fired
If you get bored, can go do
something else for a year
Maybe you get 2 weeks vacation

7. Professor’s Paradasical Paradox
If a professor’s position is such paradise,
why are so many professors miserable?

8. “Committee” Advice Individual Advice
Probably correct (lots
of people agree on it)
Probably wrong (just one
arrogant person’s opinion)
Generally agreeable
(lots of people agree
on it)
Usually disagreeable
(everyone’s experience is
different)
Always uninteresting
(lots of people agree)
Often interesting
(someone was motivated
enough to write it)
My meta-meta-advice: read/listen to lots
of the second type, but ignore most of it

9. Quiz!

10. The truth is that no ideal strategy has
yet been found, and that every
approach has strengths and
weaknesses. Given the current state
of the art in this area, we are
convinced that no one-size-fits-all
approach will succeed at all
institutions. Because introductory
programs differ so dramatically in
their goals, structure, resources, and
intended audience, we need a range
of strategies that have been validated
by practice.
The use of COBOL
cripples the mind; its
teaching should,
therefore, be
regarded as a criminal
offense.
ACM Computing Curricula 2001,
Recommendations of the Joint ACM/IEEE Task
Force on Computing Curricula
EdsgerW. Dijkstra,
How do we tell
truths that might
hurt?, 1975. (Java
didn’t exist yet)

11. Why You Shouldn’t Listen to Me
I’ve been extremely
lucky
I started my career
back when everything
was fun and easy
I had no major
responsibilities until
well after tenure

12. plug book
dori-mic.org

13. Reasons Why You Might
Listen to Me

14. Reason #1
I’ve taught over half a million students
(500K on-line, ~1500 in-person classes,
~50 research advises), learned something
from many of them, and many have gone
on to do amazing things.

15. Reason #2
I managed to become a
tenured full professor
without the ignominy of
a single journal paper.

16. Reason #3
I believe enough in what
I’m saying that I’m willing to
buy anyone who wants
more support/details/etc. a
ridiculously expensive
coffee to discuss it.

17. How to
Spend
Your Time
time = values

18. How much should you Work?

19. Goal: no more than 10 hours per year

20. Goal: no more than 10 hours per year

21. Tenure-Track Dilemma
Things that Matter
Personally Fulfilling
Intellectually Satisfying
Socially Gratifying

22. Tenure-Track Dilemma
Things that Matter
Personally Fulfilling
Intellectually Satisfying
Socially Gratifying
Things
that
“Count”

23. The Real Situation
Things that Matter
Personally Fulfilling
Intellectually Satisfying
Socially Gratifying
Things
that
“Count”

24. “Trough of Mediocrity”
Energy
Value

25. Avoid the “Trough of Mediocrity”
Energy
Value
Pinnacle of “Extraordinariness”
Trough of Mediocrity
Abyss of Embarrassment

26. How to Be an Extraordinary Teacher

27. Two Simple Steps!
1. Respect your student’s time
2. Focus on how you want to impact
students five years from now, not
on what they can do in 2.5 hours at
the end of the semester

28. Teaching != Grading
It is not your job to help employers filter students.
Picture: tru.ca

29. My Grading Scale
Gold Star – Excellent Work
Green Star – Got most things I wanted
Silver Star – Some serious problems
Average: 
It is not your job to help employers filter students.

30. Unbounded Expectations!
 - exceptional work
- better than I
thought possible
- breakthrough!
- deserve a
Turing Award!

31. Raising Funds

32. 21st October 1941
Dear Prime Minister,
Some weeks ago you paid us the honour of
a visit, and we believe that you regard our
work as important. … it seems to us that we
have met with unnecessary impediments.
…The cumulative effect, however, has been
to drive us to the conviction that the
importance of the work is not being
impressed with sufficient force upon those
outside authorities with whom we have to
deal.
Alan Turing
A.M. Turing (+ 3 others) Winston Churchill

33. Target Your Audiences
Your proposal should be appealing to both thorough,
competent reviewers and lazy, grumpy ones!

34. Write Fewer Proposals
Don’t write proposals because of pressure from
administrators, desire to appear “productive”
Ask for feedback – early enough to be useful

35. Don’t
Diversify
Get the least restrictive, lowest management,
funding you can (NSF, industry gifts)

36. Be Open

37. Follow Norms,
Buck Conventions

38. Most Recommended Reading/Viewing
Radhika Nagpal
The Awesomest 7-Year Postdoc or: How I Learned to
Stop Worrying and Love the Tenure-Track Faculty Life
Randy Pausch
Time Management

39. www.cs.virginia.edu/evans
evans@virginia.edu