1. Sometimes recalling the past tough Create an Attention Grabbing
times is the best thing to do in OPENING:
order to see a change in your future
life. Good first attempt with the
opening. Looks good. It’s a good
opening, but it can be even better.
I suggest you save the main
message until the END of the essay.
In other words, immediately start
off with a story…take us through
your struggle, share the advice you
received that helped you overcome
your struggles, show us how you
overcame your struggles…and
THEN share your main
message/lesson.
It’s like watching a movie…you
don’t get the conclusion of the
movie at the beginning of the story!
Take your readers on a roller-
coaster journey and, at the end,
share what you learned.
Make sense?
I recommend starting off with a
story. Look at the Harvard
essays…they start off with a
STORY:
Sample Story Opening #1:
“Before even touching the camera,
I made a list of some of the
photographs I would take: web
covered with water, grimace
reflected in the calculator screen,
hand holding a tiny round mirror
where just my eye is visible” –
from “50 Successful Harvard
Essays”

2. Sample Story Opening #2:
“The black and white composition
book is faded, and the corners are
bent. It doesn’t lie flat as many
paper clips mark favorite places.
Almost every sheet is covered with
writing – some in bold
handwriting hardly revised…” –
from “50 Successful Harvard
Essays”
If you don’t want to start off with a
scene/situation like the essays
above, you can start off with a
PERSONAL REVELATION…give
the reader some personal
INFORMATION about yourself
that has helped make you the
person you are today.
Here’s an example:
“I’m short. I’m five foot five – well,
five foot six if I want to impress
someone. If the average height of
American men is five foot ten, that
means I’m nearly half a foot
shorter than the average Joe out
there. And then there are the
basketball players. My height has
always been something that’s set
me apart; it’s helped define me. It’s
just that as long as I can
remember, I haven’t liked the
definition very much.” – from “50
Successful Harvard Essays”
I am a confident young lady who DON’T TELL, SHOW!

3. stands up to see a challenge eye to
eye and to take it on within me, a Don’t tell me you’re confident –
supporter for my school sports show me…give me an example of a
team and a motivator for my fellow situation or a time when you were
students. But I never used to be confident.
this girl; I used to be someone who
shrinks from familiarity from Instead of saying you are a
others – a timid shy young girl. So supporter of your school sports
what happened to bring such a team, give me an example…paint a
huge change in me? specific picture in my mind by
giving me a time.
It’s always better to show rather
than tell…give me specific stories
that help demonstrate that you
have these qualities.
Showing, rather than telling, will
make this an even better essay.
I was a reserved and diffident TAKE ME THROUGH YOUR
student, and the reason for this was STRUGGLES
being placed in the core set of all
my subjects. I could work hard but Instead of saying, “I was a reserved
I was always fearful of stepping up and diffident student”…give me a
and asking questions which led to specific time when you were
me being in the core set. reserved.
Your essay should be a mental
movie that your audience members
can “see”.
Here’s an example of what I mean
(although you can come up with a
better one yourself):
“I used to be a shy student. For
example, during one Mathematics
class, my teacher, Mr. Johnson,
scribbled a complicated looking
quadratic formula on the
blackboard.
“Right, first one to solve the

4. formula gets a chocolate bar!”
I’d spent the night before studying
up on solving quadratic equations,
so I was pretty familiar with how
to solve them.
I began wrestling with the
problem in my math book, and
within a couple of minutes – viola!
I had the correct answer.
I looked around the classroom and
everyone else was still scribbling
in their notebooks.
No, surely I couldn’t be the first
one to have found the answer. I
must have made a mistake
somewhere. (Sidenote: Do you
notice how, instead of telling the
reader “I began doubting myself”, I
show them by sharing my inner
dialogue? Remember: show, don’t
tell!)
I quickly re-checked my answer. It
seemed I had the correct answer.
I wanted the chocolate, so I raised
my hand. Mr. Johnson was busy
dealing with other students, so he
didn’t see me.
I quickly put my hand down…what
if I was wrong?
I wanted the chocolate, but not
enough to take the risk of being
wrong in-front of the whole class.
The above is NOT a perfect
story…but can you see how you’re

5. showing rather than telling?
My parents tried convincing me to Again, instead of telling…show
work harder and ask questions in me…give me a specific
class, they compared me to the time/situation when Mum/Dad sat
toppers and compared myself to down with you…share in
those students who were worse DIALOGUE what they told
than me. you…share with the reader how you
felt….
One day my dad decided to remind CATALYST FOR CHANGE
me of the older times when my
parents didn’t have enough money You have the foundations of a good
to send me to an international story. Every good story must have a
school, my dad told me about how CONFLICT – which your story has.
my mother and him used to keep The conflict is your story is that you
aside 10,000 Tsh everyday so that were struggling with your shyness.
we they had money in store to pay
for mine and my brother’s school Stories must also have a Catalyst
fees. My father made me recall how for Change. This is the
my mother used to wash the one thing/person that gives you the
pair of uniform I had every night so courage/wisdom you need to
the next day I could wear the same overcome your conflict. In your
uniform and how all my brother’s story, the Catalyst for Change is
old school trousers had been made “Dad”. He shares with you
into skirts for my uniform. something important that helps
you overcome your shyness in
class.
DIALOGUE, NOT
NARRATION
However, you can make this part
even stronger by sharing the
specific DIALOGUE.
Instead of narrating the events,
give me the dialogue.
Here’s what I mean by
NARRATION:
“One day my dad decided to

6. remind me of the older times when
my parents didn’t have enough
money to send me to an
international school, my dad told
me about how my mother and him
used to keep aside 10,000 Tsh
everyday”
Here’s what I mean by DIALOGUE:
One day, Dad and I were sitting
around the dinner table. Dad was
staring down at my report card,
which were a bunch of B’s and C’s.
Finally, after contemplating what
he was going to say, he looked into
my eyes and said:
“Bintee, I’m proud that you’re
working hard. It’s obvious that
you’re working diligently in class.
However, your shyness in class is
stopping you from reaching your
full potential.”
I nodded, a lump beginning to
form in my throat.
Dad continued, “Your mother and
I struggle a lot to pay school
fees…”
Share the rest of the story in
DIALOGUE…
Use dialogue when sharing how
Dad used to save TSH $10,000
everyday…
Also, describe how you
FELT…what emotions went
through you?

7. This is an important part of the
story, so you need to develop it
further.
This motivated me to work harder, Overcoming the Struggle Can’t
to stand up and ask questions and be that Easy!
to get into the extended class and I
finally achieved this goal. My This part of the essay sounds
parents worked that little bit extra slightly unbelievable because you
made me want to work a little bit overcame the obstacle a bit too
extra and so I got involved into easily.
sporting activities and was the
house captain for two years and It’s hard to believe that you were
tried being my best at an all- such a shy student, and after
rounder. hearing just a couple of words from
Dad, you suddenly managed to
overcome your struggles.
You need to take the reader
through the struggles you faced as
you tried to overcome your
shyness…give a SPECIFIC example
of how you went into class the next
day and raised your hand to answer
a question (share with the reader
the internal doubts you faced as
you raised your hand and how you
finally managed gather the courage
to ask a question).
I can’t say that I’m the best student Be Proud of Your
today and I am the perfect all- Achievements
rounder but at least I can say I did
try my best at being that all- Instead of focusing on the negative
rounder for my parents and myself. (i.e. “I’m not the best student”),
focus on the POSTIVE…focus on
how you’ve become a more positive
person. Focus on how you’ve
gained more confidence.
Also, share with the reader your
SPECIFIC achievements…share
how you got the courage to run for

8. House Captain even though you
were shy. Share how you won the
vote to become House Captain,
how that gave you a bit more
confidence, and how you used that
confidence to take on more and
more challenges…
As time went by our family
circumstances became better, no
longer did my parents have to keep
aside money for my brother and I
to go to school, my parents gave
both me and my brother every little
thing we asked for and did their
best to improve our lives.
I found how I had changed The two parts of your essay
drastically and that made me think are not related
about how education played such
an important role in life to change The first part talks about
what kind of a person you are. I overcoming your SHYNESS
thought to myself I would want to because of Dad’s story…
do the same for my children, but
stopped to think how long away However, the second part of your
that was to come. I had to do story talks about helping
something now, for those children underprivileged kids gain an
that didn’t have parents like mine. education…
I suggest you do one of the
following:
(1) Find a stronger THEME
between BOTH stories so
that both parts fit together
as one coherent essay
OR
(2) Focus on only ONE
ISSUE…in other words,
focus on only ONE story.
You might choose to focus
only sharing your

9. struggles with shyness,
and how you developed
into a confident person
I decided to join Saturday school, a Your Essay Needs to Be
program run by the secondary Emotionally Moving
students in our school, here we
teach students English and other In this part, you give lots of
subjects such as IT as well as generalities about the problems
raising money for the tuition fees African children face. There are
and books. Being a teacher at two problems here:
Saturday school made me realize
how education wasn’t the only (1) This is not related to your
important thing, in life. A few of battle with shyness, which
the students I taught often sat back is the main theme of the
with me after classes and told me first part of the essay
how their lives at home were so
difficult. Listening to their AND
problems I realized how there were
so many problems in every African (2) You are talking about
house, electricity, money, generalities instead of
education, health care and also focusing on ONE
food. I wished that everything PARTICULAR
would change and their lives would STORY/CHILD and how
improve but just wishing for that that moved you
wasn’t enough. Saying something emotionally…Focus on one
wouldn’t create a difference but particular event and how
doing it would. that affected you instead
With time I found different of talking generally about
possibilities that could help me all the African children
create a change. I became a part of
a non-profit organization called Finally, regarding the Leo
Leo club and started working with club…while this is a good activity,
a bunch of children at school from there is nothing here that separates
an orphanage group called Starehe. you from the rest of the candidates.
As a Leo member we conducted
many activities such as blackboard If you want to focus on how
painting in four unprivileged dedicated you are to improving the
schools, donation of money to a lives of African children, then you
father who wanted to treat his have to write about something you
child’s cancer, tree plantation of did that demonstrates your
200 trees and other activities to COMMITMENT to helping
raise money in order to achieve our Africans improve their lives

10. goal for the end of this year which (Joining the Leo club is good, but it
is to build a well in a small village. I doesn’t demonstrate a high level of
worked with the Starehe children commitment)
during my free time on Friday’s in
order to motivate them to work
harder in class seeing they were the
old me, the ones who were shy.
A small role that my parents played
in my life brought a huge difference
in me, how I talk to people how I
face challenges and what I have
done as a significance of what they
did for me. My parents are my role
models and they have influenced
me in such a way to have brought
such a huge change in my
personality. I know university is
going to be tough, but to help me
through it I have my parents
standing by my side.
OVERALL COMMENTS:
You have the foundation of a good essay. I like what you have, so keep it
up. Keep working on the essay…the more you work on your essay, the
better it will get.
Great essays are written. They’re re-written.
You’ve obviously put in a lot of hard work into the essay. I’m proud of
you.
My advice is:
(1) Focus on ONE STORY – e.g. either the story about overcoming
your shyness OR the Leo story…not both
(2) Give SPECIFIC EXAMPLES – show, don’t tell.
(3) Make the CONFLICT harder to overcome – don’t just say “Dad
and told me this and suddenly I began working harder”…it’s not

11. believable. Illustrate the PROCESS that you went through to
become the confident person you became
There is a speech that is similar to the essay you are writing. It’s by a
speaker called J.A. Gamache.
Remember, this is a SPEECH, so the writing style will be different from
what’s expected of you.
However, notice how he talks about specific situations and how he
illustrates the PROCESS he went through to become a more confident
person.
Finally, I also advice you to have a quick read through all the Harvard
essays…take a day just to go through all the essays and read the
comments. It will give you an idea of what kind of essay is expected from
you
Below is J.A. Gamache’s speech text (I have added in RED the different
techniques that you can use in your essay):
SPEECH:
Mister Chairman, Ladies and Gentlemen
I stand here today because of my grandfather.
Thanks to him I have overcome my fear of competing in an English
speech contest. I would have a good reason to be afraid. My native
language is French. I don't speak English. I spit English.
Because of my grand-papa today I am able to share with you the most
efficient method I know that could help you to overcome all your fears.
First, let me tell you how my grandfather became the inspiration that
gave me the courage to break the chains of all my fears.
"Grand-papa" and I have a lot in common.
For example, we share the same first name: Avenant.

12. Avenant in French means lovable. That's my grandfather.... and that’s
me too. Both lovable and also extremely shy.
Thinking of our family get-togethers, I can still see him, sitting off to one
side of the room, a tin of tobacco between his knees, rolling another
cigarette, unreachable in his silence, as if his shyness chained him to his
chair.
Do you see how he paints a SPECIFIC picture? “I can still see him,
sitting off to one side of the room, a tin of tobacco between his knees,
rolling another cigarette, unreachable in his silence, as if his shyness
chained him to his chair.”
We were the same: so scared to bother people.
For example at movie theatres I would rather sit in the front row than
disturb anyone to have a decent seat. Have you ever watched a movie
from the front row?
Share how your shyness AFFECTED you: What problems did you
face because you were shy? What did you miss out on? Make the
PROBLEM (your shyness) so painful that it requires a solution…
When Avenant passed on, he was 92 years old.
I will never forget that day.
When I entered his hospital room, he had just died.
I was alone with him.
He had become so thin that I could hardly recognize him.
For a moment, I thought, I was with a stranger.
I wanted to touch him, but all I dared to do was to rest a finger on his big
toe.
Thank you Grand-papa,
Thank you for giving me your name.
I am so proud to be called Avenant.
Bon voyage.

13. Then it struck me. Like him I was chained by fears, waiting to die. No
money. No real love. No achievement to be proud of. I was wasting my
life and I knew it.
It wasn't until I could no longer touch grand-papa that he really touched
me. It was as if I could hear Avenant whisper: "Break free. Break free,
son".
But how could I break free?
The answer came from a psychologist who told me: make a list of all your
fears, start with the smallest one, work your way up to the biggest one
and keep track of all your successes in a journal.
Introduce the GURU who provides the solution. In this case, it is a
psychologist who gives J.A. the wisdom he needs to overcome his
shyness. Share the specific advice Dad gave you…
So I did it. Was it easy? Of course not. Slowly, I became more assertive as
each little success broke a chain of fear.
At the movies. Not only did I challenge myself to sit in the middle of a
row, I would even get up and change row one more time!
To challenge my fears even more, like you, I joined Toastmasters.
Share the PROCESS of how you overcame your shyness: Don’t just say,
“I began working harder, etc”. Share the exact process..what exactly did
you do DIFFERENTLY because of Dad’s advice and wisdom?
Notice what J.A Gamache does differently.
BEFORE the psychologist’s advice: For example at movie theatres I
would rather sit in the front row than disturb anyone to have a decent
seat.
AFTER the psychologist’s advice: At the movies. Not only did I
challenge myself to sit in the middle of a row, I would even get up and
change row one more time!

14. Share the SPECIFIC things you did differently. Share you BEFORE and
AFTER transformation…
No longer afraid to voice my emotions now I write poems… and love
letters. Gentlemen, you have no idea of the power of a love letter until
your wife intercepts one!
And here I am in Anaheim, California in front of nearly 2000 friends.
This year's theme of "Friends helping friends succeed" is so true. At this
very moment, with your help, I am finally marking off the biggest fear
from my list: fear of failure. That makes me a winner in the contest of
life!
Ladies and Gentlemen, overcome your fears or they will overcome you.
Break free from your chains.
Just do like Suzan Jeffers's book says: Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Begin by facing your smallest fear.
Celebrate each little victory.
Challenge your fears until you have overcome the biggest one.
And when that time comes, you will feel, like me, the urge to shout this
inspiring cry of hope from Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr.: "Free at last,
free at last", thank God almighty,
Grand-papa I am free at last!
FINAL WORDS:
Go ahead and start working on your speech…
Don’t try and get it perfect. We’re not looking for perfection, we’re
looking for IMPROVEMENT…
Just start writing and let your thoughts flow freely…

15. Your essay is already better than mine was when I submitted it…so
you’re doing really good 
The only reason I know all these techniques is because I have studied
public speaking. So use the techniques I’ve given you, implement them if
you can, and send me the next version of your essay so we can continue
working on it.
I love you little sis.
Akash