This document provides an overview of a course on pastoral care and counseling. The course aims to equip students for effective pastoral ministry by developing their understanding of helping relationships and reflecting on pastoral care from a Christian perspective. It covers topics like theological and psychological foundations, counseling ethics, stress management, family counseling and conflict resolution. The document outlines the course objectives, content, required textbooks and resource sites. It also provides definitions and discussions of key concepts like pastoral care, counseling, and the roles and functions of a pastoral counselor.

1. SUBJECT: PASTORAL CARE AND
COUNSELING
PREPARED BY: ABIOLA ODUNLAMI
YEAR :2020

2. A. COURSE OBJECTIVE
This course will is intended to introduce students to the theory of and
practice of Pastoral care and counseling. It will equip students for
effective Pastoral Ministry.
 To reflect on the purpose and practice of pastoral care from a Christian perspective.
 To develop participants’ understanding of helping relationships.
 Reflect on their personal experience of pastoral care
 Show an understanding of the place of pastoral care and their own role within the life of a
Congregation or a chosen setting.
 Reflect theologically on the relationship of pastoral care to Christian Faith.
 To address Complex Human Experiences in the lives of people.
 To identify and use basic listening skills.

3. B. COURSE CONTENT
 LESSON ONE: PASTORAL CARE AND COUNSELING
 LESSON TWO: THEOLOGICAL & PSYCHOLOGICAL FOUNDAT
 LESSON THREE: COUNSELLING AND ETHICS
 LESSON FOUR: QUALIFICATION OF A CHRISTAIN COUNSELOR
 LESSON FIVE: UNDERSTANDING STRESS
 LESSON SIX: COMPLEX HUMAN EXPERIENCES
 LESSON SEVEN: FAMILY AND MARRIAGE COUNSELLING
 LESSON EIGHT: CONFLICT AND CRISES MANAGEMENT

4. TEXTBOOKS:
 Counselling &psychotherapy: Siang- Yang Tan
 Theological Foundation for counselling: Thomas Edginghon, PhD.
 Christain counsellor: Dr. Ron Hawking, Dr. Tim Clinton.
 The family therapy treatments: Frank. M. Dattilio. Arthur E. Jong
 Doing Effective couples therapy: John. M. Gottman, Julie schwartz
 The Marriage Clinic: John M. Gottman
 Basic types of pastoral & counselling: Howard Clinebell

5. RESOURCE SITES:
http://www.religiononline.org/listbycategory.asp?Cat=110
(Kierkegaard)
http://biblicalcounselingcoalition.org/ Society for Christian Psychology:
http://www.christianpsych.org/ European Movement for Christian
Anthropology, Psychology and Psychotherapy (EMCAPP)
http://www.emcapp.eu/ (The e-journals Christian Psychology Around
the World) Christian Association for Psychological Studies:
http://www.caps.net/ American Association of Christian Counselors:

7. ABSTRACT OF THE COURSE
CONTENT

 Today clients in swelling numbers seek therapy not because they feel bad but
because they do not feel good. The helpers, to be sure, may uncover hurt beneath
or beside aimlessness, or pain hidden in ennui, but the contemporary client is
ready for more than cure, more than recovery of a status quo ante.
 Pastoral care and counseling are valuable instruments by which the church stays
relevant to human need. And its continues to contribute to the renewal of a church’
vitality by providing instruments for the renewal of person’s, relationship and
groups. This study will take us through the lesson of knowing that counseling is an
instrument of continuing renewal through reconciliation, within individuals, church,
families even to those outside the church and from an enlivening, growing
relationship with God.

8. INTRODUCTION
The Christian ministry of the cure of souls, or pastoral care,
has been exercised on innumerable occasions and in every
conceivable human circumstance, as it has aimed to relive a
plethora of perplexities besetting persons of every class and
condition and mentality.
To view pastoral care in historical perspective is to survey a
vast endeavor, to appreciate a noble profession, and to
receive a grand tradition.
Christian pastoral care being its very nature no simple
cumulative skill, defiles neat classification and
systematization.

9. For ours is a day in which pastoral care is everywhere
challenged and stimulated by fresh insights into
problems of being human, insights developed by
behavioral scientists and by those adept at the healing
arts no less than by philosophers and theologians.
Pastoral care today is underground a swift and
sweeping transition. This transition begs a necessity to
appropriate and appreciate the lore of a long and fruitful
experience of Christian pastors in helping troubled
people.
Pastoral care calls forth questions and issues of
deepest meaning and highest concerns, for it is

10. LESSON ONE
PASTORAL CARE AND COUNSELLING
 WHAT IS COUNSELLING?
Let us begin by knowing what counselling is not.
What counselling is not?
It is not giving;
 Sermon or Prayer
 Warning to people
 Advice to individuals
 Threats to people

11. What is counselling?
Counselling is a dialogical relationship in which one person helps another in
crisis.
Counselling is a specialized field of health science that gets people unstuck
from their places of addiction, wrong belief and attitudes and made to move
on using talk therapy…
Counselling is a process that requires time. It is not a lecture. Problems are
not solved simply because someone talks with another for a few minutes.
Counselling focuses on the highly in depth specific personal needs and
problems of individuals using two way communication. This requires time
because both counsellor and counselee develop thorough understanding of
the problem itself and seeks the true cause; -of the problem. Through
communication, the parties involves in the counselling are able to clarify
otherwise confusing situations.

12. A counsellor is more than techniques or bags of ideas. l--le or she is a true
man and woman of God who firmly believes in the Lord Jesus Christ and
Christian principles. He is the only one better qualified to counsel. Galatians
6: l says that those who help others must spiritual. With a bold approach to
behavioral health care based on scriptural therapeutic techniques and
foundation principles of Christian faith and practice, the Christian well
equipped to help in a tremendous way those who are hurting.
The most important thing in counselling is the Counsellor himself. They must
not be wounded sheep themselves. They must have healed of their own
issues, then in an impartial empathetic way, are able to bring complete
healing and restoration to people who are emotionally mental, and
psychologically stuck in life.

13. He or she is one who is called by God to tender
shepherd, feed and protect the flock of God
especially those who are going wayward or are
suffering psychological difficulties and distress.

14. CARE VERSUS COUNSELLING
Care is the general concern for the
other! Counselling is the specific time
and place of meeting where one person
helps another in crisis. Counselling,
therefore, emanates from care and
general concern.

15. WHAT IS PASTORAL CARE?
A pastor is a shepherd, a guide, one who leads his flock along paths where they will
flourish and prosper. Therefore, pastoral which comes from the Pastor means
shepherding. The word “care” express concern – showing general concern for others
(Sidney Journad: Prof of Psychology University of Florida).
 “Pastoral care is the total set of resources of church and community that a pastor
uses to meet grief and separation” (Wayne Oates).
 “Pastoral care springs out of genuine concern of well-being of another person”)
Michael Taylor)
 “Pastoral care is the board inclusive ministry of mutual healing and growth within a
congregation and it community through the life cycle” (Howard Clinebell: Pastoral
Care and Counselling)
 “ Pastoral care is a supportive ministry to people and those close to them who are
experiencing the familiar cares that characterize life in this world, such as illness ,
surgrey , incapacitation, death and bereavement , etc” ( William Hulme, Pastoral
Care and Counselling)

16.  The ministry of the care of souls or pastoral care, consist of helping acts, done by
representative Christian persons directed toward the healing , sustaining , guiding , and
recording of noble persons whose troubles arise in the context of ultimate meaning and
concern.
 Representative person; According to the definition, pastoral care is done by Christian
representatives who may not hold specific offices in the Christian church. They could be
pastors, deacons, elders, presbyters etc.
 Trouble Pastoral care is also directed towards people who are troubled, depressed or
are in stress situations.
 Ultimate concern: Pastoral are calls for questions and issues of deepest meaning and
highest concern , for to be exercised at a depth where the meaning of the life and faith
is involved on the part of the helper as well as on the part of the one helped.
 Helping Acts: A plethora of helping acts stands in stands in contiguous relations of
pastoral care but nevertheless do not properly belong to that specific ministry. Example
are works of charity, acts of mercy, welfare, education, neighborliness and binding
wounds. Such helping acts, however admirable, are hardly pastoral. It is when the
helping acts done by Christian representative persons and directed at ultimate meaning
and concern that it is pastoral care.

17. FUNCTIONS OF COUNSELLING
a. Sustaining
 Helping a hurting person to endure and transcend a circumstance in which restoration
to his former condition or recuperation from his malady is either impossible or so
remote as to seem impossible.
b. Healing
 A pastoral function that aims to overcome some impairment by restoring the person to
wholeness and by leading him to advance beyond his previous condition.
c. Guiding
 Assisting perplexed person to make confident choices between alternate courses of
thought and action, when such choices are viewed as affecting the present and future
state of the soul.
d. Reconciliation
 Seeks to re-establish broken relationships between man and fellow man between and
God.

18. PASTORAL COUNNSELLING.
“Pastoral Counselling is either one to one relationship or group ad is a ministry to
person, couples or families that assists them in working through pressing problem in
their relationship to themselves to others and to God” (William Hulme: pastoral cure and
counselling).
“Pastoral counselling is an essential means by which a church is helped to be a
lifesaving station and not a club, a hospital ad a garden of the spiritual life - not a
museum” (Howard Clinebell: pastoral care and counselling).
“Pastoral counselling is an attempt by a pastor to help people help themselves through
the gaining of understanding of their own conflicts” (Seward Hiltner: pastoral
counselling).
“Pastoral counselling is the relationship entered activity to enhance a person’s ability to
relate in mutual need – satisfying way. Pastoral counselling as dimension of pastoral
care is the utilisation of a variety of healing (therapeutic) methods to help people handle
their problems and crises for more growth fully and thus experience healing of the
brokenness” (Howard Clienbell).

19. “Pastoral counselling is an experience in which pastor rates to his or her
parishioner and feels the deep burden of his/her client without trying the
burden himself or herself” (Richard Young: pastoral counselling).
The pastoral counselling approaches his work from a framework and
value system that is God - oriented. He doesn’t force his value system of
his client but his particular value system gives him (1) a greater sense of
the dignity of the person as a child of God, a brother (or sister) in Christ
as well as (2) a greater motivation to reach the client with the redeeming
love of Christ (James E. Sullivan).
“To speak of a pastoral” counselling is to speak redundancy. A pastor is a
shepherd, a guide, one who leads his flock along paths where they will
flourish and prosper. A counsellor, likewise, is a guide to good life. Like
any guide he leads by stepping ahead, severing as living exemplar of the
path” (Sidney Jourard, Prof. of Psychology University of Florida).

20. LESSON TWO
THEOLOGICAL & PSYCHOLOGICAL
FOUNDATION FOR COUNSELLING.
 Theological Foundations is designed to give an understanding of a biblical theory
of personality. That theory provides a set of "lenses" through which the
biblical counselor can look as he/she works with clients. Please allow me the
freedom to change a few of à Brakel’s words in order to make a point: “If the Word of
God is the only criterion by which we can determine biblical counseling to be true
counseling, then we must first acknowledge Scripture to be the Word of God before
acknowledging the counseling to be biblical. Furthermore, we cannot receive the
testimony of the counselor unless we acknowledge him or her to be truly biblical.

21.  Thus, we do not believe the Word to be the Word of God because the biblical
counselor affirms it, but on the contrary, we believe counseling to be truly biblical
because the Word validates it as such. A house rests upon its foundation, and the
foundation upon the house. A construction is subordinate to its cause rather than
the cause being subordinate to what it has constructed.”
 What’s my point? Biblical counseling has authority over people’s lives only to the
degree that it espouses, and adheres to, the Word of God, which is the revealed
mind of the Living Word, the Lord Jesus Christ (1 Cor 2:11-16). If the foundations of
sound theology are undermined by anyone who claims to be a lover of biblical
counseling then he may claim all he wants, but what he has actually done is
subordinate the foundation to its construction, which results in the weakening, and
ultimate demise, of both. When the foundation is compromised it is only a matter of
time before the construction begin to tilt.

22.  Psychological Foundation is a formal arrangement between two parties
(helper and helpee) who consciously consent to address themselves in
communications, solution to problems presented” (Edgar Draper).
 “Psychology strictly defied means treatment by psychological methods but the
term as at present implies an eclectic approach to the patient free from too
close no adherence to any particular technique” (Ethed Veable: counselling,
pg.6).
 “Pastoral psychotherapy in a long term helping process aimed at effective
fundamental changes in the counsellee’s personality by uncovering and
dealing with hidden feeling, intrapsychic conflicts. And repressed early life
memories” (Howard Cliebell: Basic Types of Pastoral Care and Counselling
1992).
 “Pastoral psychotherapy is an interpersonal process in which one person
communicates to another that can understands him, respect him and wants to
be of help to him” (Living B. Weiner).
 “Psychotherapy is the treatment of diseased by psychological means. It is
branch of medicine – it is in main employed in the treatment of so – called
functions nervous disorder which are now regarded as mental in origin”
(Encyclopaedia Britannica).

23. “Psychotherapy is the treatment of emotional
illness by various psychological techniques,
used when the source of the problem is chiefly
personal (not situational) as in counselling”
(Clyde M. Narramore: The Psychology of
Counselling).

24. WHO IS A PASTORAL COUNNSELLOR?
A pastoral counsellor is the one who….
Is interested in people.
Believes in each person’s good qualities.
Has respect for each accept himself.
Inspires trust and confidence.
Has the necessary knowledge and experience.

25. LESSON THREE
COUSELLING AND ETHICS
GOALS OF COUNNSELLING
Helping persons for:
Growth
Insight/Understanding
Develop abilities
Change
Reconcile with God, others and self

26. Legal/Ethics of counselling
 Beneficence: This implies enhancing the client’s well-being.
 No maleficence: This means doing o harm (vulnerability) (sexual harassment).
 Autonomy: This refers to clients’ self – determination or freedom of choice (inform
consent, rumors and referred).
 Justice: This implies providing equal ad fair treatment to all clients.
 Fidelity: This refer to honesty and faithfully honorial promises.
 Confidentiality: This means protecting (security, trust).Unless – pose danger to
others or themselves.
 Minor
 Court action
 Hospitality
 Clients’ request

27. BASIC SKILLS IN COUNSELLING
The basic skills in counselling include the following:
 Effective Listening
 James 1:19, “Quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger”
 Listen with undivided attended attention without interrupting.
 Five senses: sight, sound, touch, small and taste.
 Remember what has been said including the details (the more you listen and the less you
say, the better your money)
 Listen to the “baseline” (what is not openly said but is possibly being felt)
 Water for non – verbal clues to help to help understand feelings.
 Tolerate pauses and silence
 Help yourself and other feel comfortable and relaxed with each other, keeping calm even
when you don’t feel calm.
 Sitting positions
 Space and boundaries

28. CON’T
 Responding
 Paraphrase – and reflect accuracy
 A way of promoting
 An indication that you have been listening
 A way of checking to see if you have hard correctly
 Be as accuracy as possible in describing feelings/ideas that you perceive.
 Feeling Word. Anger (frustration, annoyed, bitter, and pissed)
 Keeping questions to minimum
 Precise information (precise questions)
 Open up an area (open ended questions) – avoid why questions
 Prompt (rhetorical questions)
 Avoid changing the subject or interrupting unnecessarily.
 Use minimal prompts; “mm” “yes”, or the last few words.
 events, reactions and ideas.

29. Growth
Name and clarify problem – insight “aha”
especially bringing into consciousness

30. Confront problem
Explore alternatives (engage Christian Faith
Tradition)
Set Goals (offer concrete response to life
challenges) war vs. battles
Decide
Act

31. Other skills
Respect
Empathy
Genuineness/congruence
Acceptance

32. LESSON FOUR
QUALIFICATION OF A CHRISTAIN
COUNSELOR Completion of a master's degree program is required to
become a counselor. Programs specific to this field, such as the Master
of Arts in Christian Counseling, are available. Graduate courses may
focus on ministry, biblical studies, Christian thought, mental disorders
and clinical counseling. However for you as a pastor you should have an
idea as a leader for the sake of the group of people you lead daily and
for the care of their lives. Therefore we look at the biblical qualification
for you to counsel people.
 The Bible outlines several qualifications for ministry. Below are three
qualifications I believe can be specifically applied to counseling ministry.

33.  The first biblical qualification for any ministry is a godly life, like
that described in 1 Timothy 4. What I like about this text is you have the
apostle Paul, an older godly man, who is shepherding, loving on,
encouraging, equipping, exhorting, and spiritually fathering Timothy, a
younger man in pastoral ministry. 1 Timothy 4:16, “Pay close attention
to yourself and to your teaching; persevere in these things, for as you
do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who
hear you.”
 This verse contains a powerful, weighty truth as Paul talks to his
spiritual son in the faith. He tells Timothy to pay special attention to a
couple things. The very first thing on that list is not a doctrine, not
pastoral education, not how many degrees he owns or how many
commentaries he has. The first thing he says is your life — How are you
doing? Not as a pastor or a theologian or as a shepherd, but how are
you doing as a child of God? (See also Ezra 7:10; 1 Tim 3)

34.  Pay close attention to yourself; watch over your life. This is the issue of
character. You must always remember that who you are as a believer in
part qualifies you for ministry. It’s not just what you know — it’s not just the
skills and gifts and talents you have — but it’s who you are. This is the first
application from 1 Timothy 4:16.
 I keep a prayer journal, and at the top of the list are these words: “Who I
am before the Lord is who I really am.” There is great joy in that because
there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. What the Law
could not do, weak as it was in the flesh, God did. And so if you’re a
Christian you are in Christ today, and his righteousness alone is what
qualifies you to come into his presence in prayer each morning. And to
know that you are received as all believers are, as a sign to the presence
of my heavenly father. Who you are before the Lord is who you really are.
That statement also slays me sometimes, because sometimes there is a
disconnect between my heart and what’s going on in my life; that verse is
there to rebuke me. You may be fooling everybody else, but you’re not
fooling the Lord. Pay close attention to your life, pay close attention to
yourself.

35. What I want you to see is that the first thing the Scripture
goes to and what it thinks about for qualifications for ministry
is character. In any ministry that we’re aspiring to, we ought
to be people growing in character. The parallel passage in
Titus 1 gives us the same list. Additionally, look at 2 Timothy
2:20-21. Let this verse challenge you and remind you what
God thinks about ministry:
“Now in a large house there are not only gold and silver
vessels, but also vessels of wood and of earthenware, and
some to honor and some to dishonor. Therefore, if anyone
cleanses himself from these things, he will be a vessel for
honor, sanctified, useful to the Master, prepared for every
good work.”

36.  God uses all of us in spite of us because none of us is where we
need to be in Christ; yet, we’re moving toward Christ likeness in
sanctification. Even though that’s true, God says the person he is
inclined to use is the person who is growing in Christ. A person who
is being sanctified is useful to the Master and prepared for every
good work. One of the biggest temptations and challenges in any
ministry is to let your own heart grow cold though you continue in
active flourishing ministry. And I can’t tell you how dangerous that
is. I know that from personal experience, and maybe you can relate
to that also.
 Character is always on the top of the list in terms of qualifications.
Notice what is not there, it’s not giftedness, it’s not talent, it’s not
skill. Those are important, but God cares fundamentally about who
you are as a believer first and foremost.

37.  The second application from 1 Timothy 4:16 is pay close attention to your teaching.
If we are going to open the Word of God and claim to be a biblical counselor where
we’re not just giving our own opinion or our own advice, but we are planning to give
what God actually thinks and what God actually says on the matter, we better get it
right. It is an awesome responsibility to represent the God of the universe. And yet
you don’t have to be a pastor, you don’t have to be an elder or missionary, you
don’t even have to be a biblical counselor. 2 Corinthians 5:17-21 tells that we are
all ambassadors of God; we all represent him with gospel ministry. That is an
overwhelming responsibility, which means when we open the Word of God,
administering counseling, or teaching — teaching Awana kids or whatever we’re
doing — we want to make sure that our doctrine, our theology, our instruction is
accurate. When we say this is what God says, we want to have a confidence that it
is really what the text says. It’s solid theology that forms the foundation then to
application and ministry in that counseling and discipleship. We have got to get our
theology right.

38.  The Second thing is perseverance. Pay close attention to yourself; to
your teaching. Persevere in these things. Any gospel ministry, including
biblical counseling and discipleship, is a marathon not a 100-yard-dash.
There is heartbreak, there are long nights, there are times when you are
giving every ounce of everything you have into a person who is hurting
and needs Jesus. And when you sign up for this, as Paul instructs
Timothy here, you’re signing up for the marathon. This is a long haul. You
occasionally may meet people that by God’s grace you get a couple
sessions with them in the counseling office and then just like that, some
people change real quickly. Praise God for that. But most of us change
slowly. Most believers change slowly, and that is normal sanctification.
Paul was a wise pastor, theologian, apostle, and he knew that Timothy
needed not just to watch over his life and his doctrine but also needed
perseverance. We see throughout Scripture that faithfulness,
perseverance, continuing in the ministry, means leaving the success and
fruit up to the Lord. Faithfulness is what God is looking for.

39. The third thing you need are appropriate skills. When
we talk about counseling, we want to add to character,
content, commitment, and appropriate skills. You can be a
person of character, medically qualified, responsible, know
all sorts about how airplane wings work, control services
work, and engine management; but that’s very different
from getting in your own airplane and taking off by yourself.
A pilot can know a lot about things, but he needs skills in
order to fly the airplane correctly. The sailor needs skills to
move the vessel along and sail correctly. A lot of things
require skills to be successful, to be effective, and
counseling is one of those disciplines.

40. Admonishment, encouragement, help and — I love how Paul
throws this in — patience with everybody. So patience is always
something we can pursue. But you need to have skills in
counseling for discerning what is necessary.
We want to help you with your own walk with God, your life. We
want to help you with your doctrine, biblical truths, and
theological truths so you are standing on solid theological
ground. We want to encourage you in your pursuit of God that
you are in this for the long haul. Preserve, commit to the
ministry that you see God telling you to do. And we also want to
help you to develop the skills that are necessary for effect
counseling.

41.  Drawing out the heart, Proverbs 20:5 says, “A plan in the heart of a man is like
deep water, But a man of understanding draws it out.” This means we live out of
our hearts. The heart is like our mission control center. When you’re ministering
to people, there are things going on in their heart, and God does not give us a
spiritual MRI machine to be able to see what’s going on in their heart. In order to
minister to them, this verse tells us that as you grow in maturity and skills in
ministry, you learn the skill of drawing out the issues of the heart. Like a person
might drop a pail down a well to bring water up from the well. A man of
understanding draws it out and part of the counseling ministry is learning how to
do that.
 How do you draw out the issues of the heart? By listening. I think a great thing
that every Christian should do, and certainly every Christian counselor should do,
is ask his or her spouse — or if not married a friend that loves you enough to be
honest with you — ask them, “Am I a good listener? Do I make quick judgments
about what I think I’m hearing before the person is done speaking?” As a
counselor, and as a person growing to be like Christ, we need to learn to listen
well.

42.  In biblical counseling, we are also learning the skills of restoring
people to a place of spiritual service (see Gal 6:1-2). The picture here
is that when a Christian gets caught up in sin, it affects their ministry;
it affects their service. Part of helping them with that and leading them
to deal with that in a godly way is helping them to be restored to God,
to others, and to restore the ministries that have been negatively
affected by it.
 In biblical counseling, we are also learning the skills of restoring
people to a place of spiritual service (see Gal 6:1-2). The picture here
is that when a Christian gets caught up in sin, it affects their ministry;
it affects their service. Part of helping them with that and leading them
to deal with that in a godly way is helping them to be restored to God,
to others, and to restore the ministries that have been negatively
affected by it.
 Those are issues that we need to resolve in our own hearts,
character, content, commitment and appropriate skills.

43. LESSON FIVE
UNDERSTANDING STRESS
STRESS
 Stress is a feeling of emotional or physical tension. It can come
from any event or thought that makes you feel frustrated, angry, or
nervous. Stress is your body's reaction to a challenge or demand. In
short bursts, stress can be positive, such as when it helps you avoid
danger or meet a deadline.
 Stress is the body's reaction to any change that requires an
adjustment or response. The body reacts to these changes with
physical, mental, and emotional responses. Stress is a normal part
of life. You can experience stress from your environment, your body,
and your thoughts. Even positive life changes such as a promotion,
a mortgage, or the birth of a child produce stress.

44. How does stress affect health?
 The human body is designed to experience stress and react to it.
Stress can be positive, keeping us alert, motivated, and ready to
avoid danger. Stress becomes negative when a person faces
continuous challenges without relief or relaxation between stressors.
As a result, the person becomes overworked, and stress-related
tension builds. The body's autonomic nervous system has a built-in
stress response that causes physiological changes to allow the body
to combat stressful situations.
 This stress response, also known as the "fight or flight response", is
activated in case of an emergency. However, this response can
become chronically activated during prolonged periods of stress.
Prolonged activation of the stress response causes wear and tear on
the body – both physical and emotional.

45. Stress that continues without relief can lead to a condition
called distress – a negative stress reaction. Distress can
disturb the body's internal balance or equilibrium, leading to
physical symptoms such as headaches, an upset
stomach, elevated blood pressure, chest pain, sexual
dysfunction, and problems sleeping. Emotional problems
can also result from distress.
These problems include depression, panic attacks, or other
forms of anxiety and worry. Research suggests that stress
also can bring on or worsen certain symptoms or diseases.
Stress is linked to 6 of the leading causes of death: heart
disease, cancer, lung ailments, accidents, cirrhosis of the
liver, and suicide.

46. Stress also becomes harmful when people engage in the
compulsive use of substances or behaviors to try to relieve
their stress. These substances or behaviors include food,
alcohol, tobacco, drugs, gambling, sex, shopping, and the
Internet. Rather than relieving the stress and returning the
body to a relaxed state, these substances and compulsive
behaviors tend to keep the body in a stressed state and
cause more problems. The distressed person becomes
trapped in a vicious circle.
We cause events to be satisfied by the meaning we give
them. It’s not events, but our interpretations of events,
which cause symptoms and tension.

47. Stress affects physical.
SYSTEM SYMPTOMS
1. Cardiovascular Rapid heartbeat, High blood pressure, Migraines
2. Gastro-intestine Stomachache, Ulcer, Diarrhea, Constipation
3. Musculeo-skeletal Headache, Back pain, Muscle aches/spasms

48. Chronic stress can wear down the body's natural
defenses, leading to a variety of physical symptoms,
including the following:
Dizziness or a general feeling of "being out of it."
General aches and pains.
Grinding teeth, clenched jaw.
Headaches.
Indigestion or acid reflux symptoms.
Increase in or loss of appetite.
Muscle tension in neck, face or shoulders.

49. Problems sleeping.
Racing heart.
Cold and sweaty palms.
Tiredness, exhaustion.
Trembling/shaking.
Weight gain or loss.
Upset stomach, diarrhea.
Sexual difficulties.

50. Almost any physical illness can
be made worse through stress.
(Stress can bring on depression,
anxiety, and frustration)

51. WHAT CAUSE STRESS? (STRESS ITSELF IS
NEUTRAL)
Your mind distinguishes between good and bad, but your
body does not.
Some stress keeps you motivated and competitive.
WHAT ARE THE RESULTS?
80% of all headaches are stress induced
Many major illness are caused by stress ( i.e. skin
disorders, alcoholism, drug addiction, allergies, arthritis,
asthma, gout, headaches, heart diseases, hypertension,
nervous breakdowns, ulcers, backaches, grinding teeth ,
cold sore , and hives)

52. IMPROPER EXPRESSION – INADEQUATE
WAYS SOME PEOPLE DEAL WITH
STRESS:
Obsessive – compulsive behavior “I must do this”
Regression – “Remember when…”
Non – compliance- “I’m not going to do it”
Self-indulgence – “ I want it now”
Projection – it’s going to get better”
Withdrawal – I’ve got to get away”
Depressive behavior – I ‘ll never get over things”

53. COMMON CAUSES OF STRESS
Time Demands: “ I don’t have time to do it”
Unexpected Demands: “I already have enough to do”
Trapped Feelings: “I do not really want to”
Unrealized goals: “I’m a failure”
Over commitment: “ I cannot get everything done”
Too many “Should” “I know I should ….”
Family Demands
Physical Problems
Financial Problems
Being projectionist

54. OVERCOMING STRESS
1. Thinking Therapy (Stop stinking Thinking)
If you think right you will feel right
Our thoughts create our moods
Negative thinking is the outgrowth of wrong thinking
Negative thinking – Mental anguish, depression anxiety
All your moods are created by your thoughts
If you feel stressed out and depressed , it’s because your
thoughts are dominated by negative , critical thinking
Negative thoughts nearly always contain distortions, untruths

55. OUR THINKING GOD’S THINKING
 It’s impossible All things are possible ( Luke 18:27)
 I’m too tired I will give you rest ( Matt. 11:28)
 Nobody really loves me I love you ( John 3: 16)
 Nobody really cares for me I care for you ( 1 Peter 5:17)
 I can’t go on My grace is sufficient ( 2Cor.12:9)
 I can’t figure things out I will direct you paths ( Prov. 20:24)
 I can’ do this I can do all things ( Phi. 4:13)
 I’m not able I am able ( Cor. 9:8)
 It’s not worth it It will be worth it ( Rom. 8:28)
 I can’t forgive myself I forgive you ( Psalm 103:12;1John
1:9)
 I can’t afford to I will supply all your needs ( Phil. 4:7)

56. The 2nd key in the thinking Therapy
System. Thinking right thoughts will
result in speaking right words. With
negative thinking comes speaking –
negative speaking creates a stressful
environment.

57. PRACTICAL WAYS OF HANDLING
STRESSPersonal check-up -What am I doing, thinking, or saying that
is causing me stress ?
Learn to say – No!
Recognize your limitations
Recognize self-imposed stress – “ I’m causing myself to be
stressed out”
Exercise
Watch what do you eat
Learn to relax – have fun , do things you enjoy
Recognize and admit that you are under stress
Learn to trust the Lord.

58. HERE ARE FEW SUGGESTIONS THAT MAY
HELP A PERSON TO TOLERATE THE STRESS
AND PRESSURES OF LIFE
 Tips for reducing stress
 People can learn to manage stress and lead happier, healthier lives. You may want to
begin with the following tips:
 Keep a positive attitude.
 Accept that there are events that you cannot control.
 Be assertive instead of aggressive. Assert your feelings, opinions, or beliefs instead
of becoming angry, defensive, or passive.
 Learn and practice relaxation techniques; try meditation, yoga, or tai-chi.
 Exercise regularly. Your body can fight stress better when it is fit.
 Eat healthy, well-balanced meals.
 Learn to manage your time more effectively.

59.  Set limits appropriately and say no to requests that would create
excessive stress in your life.
 Make time for hobbies and interests.
 Get enough rest and sleep. Your body needs time to recover from
stressful events.
 Don't rely on alcohol, drugs, or compulsive behaviors to reduce
stress.
 Seek out social support. Spend enough time with those you love.
 Seek treatment with a psychologist or other mental health
professional trained in stress management or biofeedback
techniques to learn more healthy ways of dealing with the stress in
your life.
 Reserve some time for yourself

60. Do not struggle with things you
cannot change
Do not deal with any big problems
late at night
Try making a list
Seek divine assistance

61. DEPRESSION AND DISCOURAGEMENT
HOW TO RECOGNISE DEPRESSION AND
DISCOURAGEMENT?
Relationships with others
Physical problems
Disorganization
Self-condemnation
Financial and material problems
Loneliness, fear, self-pity, self-condemnation

62. WHAT IS DEPRESSION?
A feeling of hopelessness, despair, sadness and apathy. It is a
feeling of overall gloom. A move toward depression is a move
toward deadness and emptiness.
A loss of perspective – the way you perceive you job, family,
your life (You look at things differently)
Depression produces a negative thinking pattern toward life.
Change in physical activities, loss of sleep
General loss of self-esteem, being anxious or tense

63. A withdrawal from others – a fear of
being rejected
A desire to escape from problems,
even from life. (Run away syndrome)
Often misdirects anger, or, uses anger
as a defensive mechanism
Guilt – “This is my fault”

64. LESSON SIX
COMPLEX HUMAN EXPERIENCES
The complex human experiences that would be
tackled include:
Drug Addiction
Prostitution
Sexual Abuse
Street Children
The Aged
The Bereaved
These human experiences would be understood if a
fair knowledge of psychology is gained.

65. PSYCHOLOGY.
Is the science of mental processes and
behavior
It is the study of the psychical realm
which has to do with mind ( though
realm); the will (decision and
responsibility realm) and emotions(
feeling realm).
It is the study of how people feel, think
and act ( behavior)

66. THE PROCESS OF BEHAVIOR
CORE BELIEFS ( EXPERIENCES
STORED IN HISTORICAL
MEMORIES)
AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS
Emotions ( feelings)
Behavior ( action )

67. PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS
Galatians 5:19-21 the works of the
flesh are manifest, which are these
Adultery , fornication, uncleanness ,
lasciviousness, [20] idolatry, witchcraft,
hatred, variance, emulations , wrath,
strife, seditions, heresies, [2] envying ,
murders, drunkenness, reveling ( KJV)

68. SPECIAL AREAS OF COUNSELLING
(GALATIANS 5: 19-21)
SINFUL BEHAVIOR
Addiction ( alcohol, drug , food , media sex)
Adultery ( including lusting after a person in one’s
heart and getting into “ spiritual friendship” that
contradict commitments to married or single)
Ambition( self-seeking , putting our interest first)
Anger ( out of control, repressed, or expressed in
a sinful way)

69. Bitterness ( holding grudges , refusing to forgive)
Competitiveness ( always opposing oneself against
others)
Curiosity ( prying , being a busybody)
Depression
Despair ( giving up on God or oneself)
Drunkenness( and getting high on drugs)
Envy
Fantasy( daydreaming, losing touch with reality ,
sexual thinking)
Fear

70. Gossip
Guilt
Hatred
Homosexual behavior
Idolatry ( worshipping something other than
God)
Irresponsibility
Jealousy
Laziness
Loss

71. Manipulation
Masturbation
Materialism ( attachment to things)
Moodiness ( foll9owing one’s feeling)
Negativity
Over spirituality ( avoiding human responsibility
under the guise of being “ spiritual often saying “ That
the Lord told me”)
Pornography

72. Pre-marital sex
Presumption( often saying that they are using “ faith”)
Pride
Quarrel
Rebellion
Revenge
Self-condemnation
Sander
Suicidal Tendencies

73. Teasing
Unreliability
Vulgarity
Worry
The source: All these sinful behaviors come
from mental faculties.
The solution: With proper management of
thinking processes we are able to change wrong
or sinful behavior.

74. MENTAL DISORDER
A look at what people go through
in life shoes that people are

75. MENTALLY AND EMOTIONAL ILL.
The Scope of Mental Disorders:
Mental illness affects all our homes
Current trends suggest that good mental
health is not merely the absence of mental
diseases. It is dynamic balance in the midst
of stress and the strain of life.

76. World Health Organization (WHO) said a person
is considered mentally or emotionally ill when
anxiety and confusion interferes with his or her
life.
According to the WHO, good mental health is
when a person whether male or female enjoys a
state of personal good health of mind and
emotions and has the capacity for free feeling
right about him or herself, about others and
about the world around them.

77. THE RESULT OF THE MANAGING
WRONG THINKING: There will be
effective, optimum development of one’s
personality to the level where he or she
attains the level of maturity appropriate
to his to her age and the society in
which he or she grows.

78. 1.ABOUT THEMSELVES.
They feel comfortable about themselves
They are not overwhelmed by their own emotions, fear,
anger, love, jealousy, or worries
They can take the disappointments of life in stride
They have a tolerant attitude towards themselves as
well as others, they can laugh at themselves.
They neither underestimate nor overestimate their
abilities
They can accept their own shortcomings

79. They have self-respect
They feel able to deal with most
situations that come their way.

80. 2.About others:
They feel right about other people
They have personal relationships that are
satisfying and lasting
They are able to give love and consider the
interest of others. They expect to like and trust
others and take it for granted that others will like
them
They respect many differences they find in
people

81. They do not push people around, nor
do they allow themselves to be pushed
around
They can fed they are part of a group
They feel a sense of responsibility to
their neighbors and fellowmen

82. 3.About their environment.
They are able to meet the demands of life
 They do something about their problems as they
arise
They accept their just responsibilities
They shape their environment whenever possible ,
they adjust to it whenever necessary
They plan ahead but do not fear the future
They welcome new experiences and new ideas

83. They make use of their natural capacities
They set realistic goals for themselves
They are able to think for themselves and
make their own decisions
They put their trust in God, which enables
them to trust man.
They put their best effort into what they do
and get satisfaction from it.

84. Signs of mental illness
Change of behavior – Strange or unusual
behavior, inconsistent or dependable of the
person who were to was not so. Such may say
or do thing that normally are completely foreign
to him. Many times the mentally ill person is not
aware of the sudden changes in his behavior
and may become antagonistic when his
attention is called by friends or family
members.

85. General appearance- usually the mentally ill
may be so absorbed with their problems that
they may not consider how they look. This is
a symptom that signals to people that the
person is no longer well organized.
Preoccupation – This self –preoccupation in
which the mentally ill is more concerned
about him/herself and is less interested in
others.

86. Memory – The mentally ill may have period of
confusion or loss of memory. They may repeated
forget they are, that they are married , or what the
day of the month or the year is . they get so worried
and involved in their own problems that nothing
else seems to matter
Self-concepts- They may believe that an
acquaintance is plotting against them even though
such thoughts may be completely unfounded.
There is also a consideration of grandeur (
prominent figure)

87. Distorted Communication – They may talk
vigorously to themselves even though there are
people around. They may tell you sincerely that
they are responding to some voices that is
talking solely to them. These are
characteristics of psychotic persons.
Suspicion – An extremely sensitive feeling that
his or her movements are being watched and a
thinking that people are always thinking or
staring at them.

88. Sensory Stimuli- They may tell you that they
see things that obviously do not exist or smell a
sickening odor in the room. They may complain
of terrible taste in their month caused by poison
being out in their food.
Physical concern- They begin to complain
about physical disorders that do not exist. They
may feel that their heart is no more beating or
that they are suffering from a fatal disease.

89. Repetitive Acts- They may perform certain acts
many times over. So instance, they may spend
hours in such acts as hand washing or other
compulsive activity. This is actually a case of
“Obsessive compulsive behavior” and is being
treated with drugs.
Depression – Almost everyone at some time fells
“blue|” or discourage. These are normal reactions
most often following some loss.
Dangerous acts- This is doing harm to a person
whom he/she feels is persecuting him/her.

90. WHAT CAUSES PSYCHOLOGICAL
PROBLEMS
Stage 1. Genetic Background/Hereditary
Endowment (What your parents are)
Manic – depressive psycliosis (Parents or
relatives may have such problems)
Depression can also be a learned pattern
Personality traits do run in families

91. Stage 2. Early Environment (Birth to 6 years) social,
religious, physical factors.
1. Defensive mechanisms developed to handle stress.
Daydreaming – not able to focus
Hypochondriasis – using illness as an excuse not to deal
with a problem
Projection – displaced anger , blaming others
Depression – unconsciously blocking out strong
feelings

92. Suppression –
consciously holding back
feelings
Rejection, resentment ,
creating

93. 2. Personality traits are developing (
85% developed by age 6)
3. If defensive mechanisms develop,
it leads to the development of
personality disorders.

94. Stage 3. Stressful situations develop an adult
years (that are not dealt with) such as unsolved
conflict. For example, neurosis which is a
.functional personality disorder without severe
loss of contact with reality may develop.
Many problems are brought about irresponsible
behavior (Gal. 6:7 – whatsoever a man sows that
shall he also reap).

95. TREATMENT OF ANTISOCIAL
BEHAVIOR
Imprisonment does not treat it. Punishment
does not treat it. It takes only Christian
Conversion to bring change into their lives.
Many emotional problems are brought
about by sin (wrong behavior)

96. COUNSELLING THE
EMOTIONALLY/MENTALLY ILL
Accept the illness as a natural condition for him
Do not argue with a person who is seriously
disturbed
Encourage the patient to express himself
Do not expect the mentally ill person to respond in
a normal fashion
Pressure the patient that he will get well
Show a genuine interest in the person

97. Encourage the patient in his treatment
Be sensitive about the demands you
place in one who is mentally ill
Be discreet in the use of devotional
materials
Emphasis God’s love and comfort
May

98. SOME EMOTIONAL DISORDERS
ANGER
CAUSES OF ANGER
Extreme fatigue produces a response which
has the earmarks of anger
Extreme embarrassment typically produces
a reaction which is categorized under the
same overworked heading.

99. Rejection is another occurrence
which often generates a kind of angry
response.
Extreme frustration gives rise to an
emotional response which we call
anger

100. HOW TO OVERCOME ANGER
Recognized anger as a sin –“put away
anger and forgive “Eph:4:30-32
Confess it as a sin –“if we confess our, he
is faithful to forgive “1john 1:9
Receive God’s release –“if we ask anything
according to his will he hears and answer
“1john 5.14-15

101. Ask God to fill you with His Holy Spirit
you heavenly father will give Holy Spirit
to those who ask Luke 11:13
Ask God to forgive your anger and give
you His love for those that have
angered you.
Ask those with whom you are angry
with to forgive you, and thank God for
the victory over anger.

102. SOME SCRIPTURE REFERENCES
Prov 14:7 He that is angry does
foolishly
Prov 14.29 He that is hasty of spirit
exalteth folly
Pov 15:18 A wrathful man stirreth
strife

103. Prov 19:19 A man of wrath shall
suffer punishment
Prov 22:24 Make no friendship with
an angry man
Prov 3:21 Fathers, provoke not
your children to anger

104. TREATMENT FOR OBSESSIONS
Thought Stopping
Thought modification
Thought substitution
Antisocial personality
From 2 Peter 2 we have a list of
sociopathic signs

105. SOCIOPATHIC CHARACTERISTICS
Here are some of the traits of the character under
description
Superficial charm and good intelligence
Presence of delusions and other signs of
irrational thinking
Presence of nervousness and other signs of
neurotic illness
Unreliability
Untruthfulness and insincerity

106. Lack of remorse or shame
Adequately motivated antisocial behavior
pattern
Poor judgment to learn from experience
Pathological egocentricity and incapacity for
love
 General poverty in major effective reactions
Specific loss of insight

107. Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal
relations
Suicide
Sex life is impersonal , trivial and poorly
integrated
Failure to follow any life plan , good or evil
Record of trouble with the law
Record of truancy, job instability, pathological
lying and nomadic lifestyle.

108. DEFINITIONS AND SIGNS OF DEPRESSION,
MANIA, ANXIETY, WORRY, TENSION, STRESS
ETC.
DEPRESSION
Persistent sad, anxious, or empty mood
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Feeling of guilt , worthlessness and
helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and
activities that you once enjoyed including sex.

109. Insomnia, early morning awakening , or oversleeping
Appetite and or weight loss, overheating and weight gain.
Decreased energy , fatigue , being “ slowed down”
Thoughts of death or suicide
Restlessness, irritability
Difficulty concentrating , remembering and making
decisions
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to
treatment such as headaches, digestive and disorders
and chronic pain.

110. CAUSES DEPRESSION
It is anger that has been repressed or turned
inward
Proactive depression is caused by an
overwhelming situational problem
Depression is a learned lifestyle. It is learned
as a way to handle stress
Depressed families can pass the depressive
lifestyle from one generation to another

111. In depression, the self is turned
against itself. In other words, one
becomes his or her own worst
enemy
There is a need to stop being so
critical of oneself so stop riding
yourself so hard.

112. MANIA
In appropriate elation
In appropriate irritability
Severe insomnia
Grandiose notions
Increased talking

113. Disconnected and racing thoughts
Increased sexual desire
Increased energy
Poor judgment
In appropriate social behavior

114. COUNSELLING TO REBUILD SELF-ESTEEM
AND SELF-VALUE
QUESTIONS TO ADDRESS WHEN COUNSELLING THE
PROBLEM OF SELF –ESTEEM
What do you like most about
yourself?
What do you like least?
What are your string points?

115. What are your weak points
How important is physical attractiveness to
you?
How did you like to change about yourself
If could have done the following, what would it
be, beauty, brains, or material things?
What would you most like to change about
yourself: looks, personality (both/neither)?

116. How do you want others to see you?
Do have to become someone else to
be like?
Do you have a lot of friends? Are
friends important to you?
At home, are you allowed to be “The
Real You”?
Who is the “Real You”?

117. How can you think God sees you?
What are your worth as a person?
Are you excited or happy about who
are?
Scriptural principles for self-value
Your life is the sum total of your
choices and decision

118. HOW TO WALK OUT LOW SELF-
ESTEEM
Take control of your life. Be an action –
person
Never expect circumstances to be perfect
Remember that knowledge, dreams, and
even faith are not enough. Action is the
power –ignitor

119. If there is fear, deliberately do what
frightens you and destroy the
negative power of fear
Get yourself in gear. GO! Never wait
for an emotional surge
Think in terms of “NOW” not
tomorrow , not next week , not next
year

120. TIPS OF SELF-ESTEEM BUILDING
Give yourself credit for being you. Be as
good as anyone and no better than
anyone
Take care of personal hygiene. When we
look better we feel better!
Work through feelings
a. Identify them
b. Identify them

121. c. Decide how to express them
d. Let them go
Keep in contact with humor
Appear confident
Self –talk. Weed out in talking to yourself
negative thoughts and irrational thoughts
Learn to accept compliments

122. Take time for yourself
Do not depend on others for your self-worth
Take risk
a. Expand Horizons
b. Try New Experiences
Self-esteem is not only feeling good about
what you can do, but accepting what you
don’t do.

123. Be yourself. Not everyone is going to like
you-you don’t like everyone you meet. If you
are yourself, you are more likely to find
genuine friends who are interested in you
and not some character you have created
Do not be afraid to make mistakes. Do not try
to deny that you have made them. Use those
mistakes to learn so that you can improve
yourself

124. Accept your limitations. everyone has them
Make time for yourself. It’s easy in today’s world to run
around doing plenty of things for other people: friends,
parents and siblings; you meet those demands
because you like need time to relax and enjoy life in
the way you want.
Always work towards some goals. Make sure it’s
realistic
Get involved. Meet new people. While learning about
other people , you are learning about yourself

125. Try to look on brighter side.
Worrying and dwelling on the
negative doesn’t do anything good
for one’s self-esteem. It only makes
the problem seem bigger and
harder to handle.

126. One study produced evidence that a new more demanding
marriage style has emerged among young adult couples –the
mutual potential marriage. The study discovered that many
such couples chose marriage mainly because of the
expectation that it would provide a satisfying relationship,
meaningful communication, and personal growth. When such
couples enter marriage without the relationship-building
(communication) skills required to fulfill these expectations,
disillusionment is almost inevitable. This disappointment, plus
the increased willingness of couples to end unsatisfying
marriages, feeds the rising incidence of marital separation,
desertion, and divorce.

127. All marriages and all families have
problems, of course, Psychiatrist
Harry Stack Sullivan expresses this
with a touch of humor.

128. Marriage enrichment and education can increase the
growthfulness of many reasonably adequate marriages.
Marriage crisis counseling can help some couples face their
problems and resolve them in growthfull ways. In deeply
disturbed marriages, marital therapy is essential. Family life
offers many people opportunities for “covenants of intimacy” in
our lonely culture, and it is important that the Good News come
alive in the dailyness of family relationships. A healthy growing
marriage is one of the most psychologically intimate of all
relationships. This makes it both one of the most rewarding and
one of the most demanding of human relationships. In short,
marriages and families are places where people can “live their
religion” (Regina Westcott).

129. LESSON SEVEN
FAMILY AND MARRIGE COUNSELLING
According to Charles Stewart suggestion, there
are three basic dimensions to a church’s
strategy for strengthening families:
Develop a network of caring and expressing
family concerns through visitations,
intercessory prayer for those undergoing crisis
which may become a regular part of the
church’s order of service.

130. Family counselling should be
available to those families for whom
group interaction and support are not
enough to help them through critical
period. The pastor needs to be aware
of those under stress and who need
more counselling help.

131. FAMILY CRISIS COUNSELLING
When the lives of individuals are hit by traumas, their
entire family network is impacted. It is important to
provide pastoral care and some counselling for the
whole family. To help families use their problems for
growth, it is essential to intervene pastorally in the whole
family.
The most difficult transition in moving into whole-family
counselling is helping family members change their
definitions of the problem from the one obviously
disturbed, to the whole family system.

132. Family recontracting, using the pastoral
methods, often can help functional families
improve their interaction in a few sessions. In
negotiating a family change plan it is essential to
work out an agreement about precisely what
each person will do - what each will give and get
as the plan is implemented. In this way, a family
can revise their family contract to make it fairer
and more effective in coping with the family’s
crisis.

133. Mutual family affirmation can well
be repeated occasionally during the
process of family counselling as a
way of making them aware of
positive changes they are
accomplishing.

134. METHODS FOR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY
CARE AND COUNSELLING.
The statements following each category illustrates
some alternative ways a counselor can lead a couple
/family into that type of experience.
Active imagination: “picture yourself and your
relationship inside each other’s skin. “Surround your
partner with caring energy”.
Stories and parables: “I knew a couple once who
…….” “this happened in our marriage…….sharing
vignettes of your own struggles, with your partner
permission.

135. Dreams: “describe of our dream”. In your imagination,
be the various parts of your dream”.” tell a daydream
where your conflict is healed.
Re -framing a problem: “do you see any positive
message to you in your spouse’s nagging? What have
you learnt from your family crisis?”.
Aphorisms, jokes, and paradoxes: “instead of trying
hard ( to maintain erection), let yourself relax and enjoy
the closeness. Don’t try to have erection. Just flow with
the pleasure, wherever it takes you” (example of a
paradoxical technique).

136. A NEW STRATEGY FOR MARRIAGE
AND FAMILY
To help people respond creatively to the stress and changes
in marriage and family life, churches needs to develop
innovative programs. Such program should have two thrusts
– a pastoral care-education dimension consisting of a variety
of attractive marriage enrichment and family-strengthening
events (including classes, workshops, retreats and camps)
and a pastoral counseling dimension consisting of growth-
centered marriage and family counseling for those going
through periods of storm and stress. Each of these can under
grid and complement the other.

137. A marriage enrichment program will enable some
couples needing marital counseling or therapy to seek
the help sooner.it does this by making them more
aware of the painful inadequacies of their current
relationship and the possibilities that their marriage can
become less frustrating and more mutually satisfying.
The long-term effects of marriage counseling can be
enhanced significantly by referring couples who
complete counselling to a marriage growth group or to
regular enrichment events that will support their
continuing growth.

138. With all the chaos and problems in marriages today, there are
also greater possibilities and strivings for depth relationships
than ever before in human history. The increasing liberation of
women and men from the growth-limiting bonds of traditional
one-up and one-down roles opens new possibilities for deeper
closeness and love. If a church is to be a human wholeness
center, it must include a robust emphasis on helping couples
learn how to develop this quality of liberated and liberating love.
In no other area does the use of the wholeness model of ministry
have more exciting and satisfying possibilities. The challenge is
to help people learn practical methods for nurturing their own
and each other’s wholeness in their intimate communities of
caring.

139. The common goal of wholeness-oriented marriage
counselling and enrichment (including premarital training)
is to help each couple co-create a relationship where both
partners are enabled to discover and develop their
maximum gifts as individuals in mutually enhancing ways.
Each couple creates its own unique variations on this
theme. Liberating love in any relationship can be defined
as caring about and commitment to each other’s full
becoming. This is a working definition that can be used by
couples and by counselors to discover how liberating and
mutually growth-producing what is called “love” in a
particular relationship really is.

140. MAKING MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT AND
COUNSELING LIBERATING
Every committed relationship is based on an
understanding (usually implicit) of what each
person’s privileges and rights, obligations and
duties are within that relationship. In marriage,
this is called the marital contract or covenant.
Often there are major differences in two partners’
implicit understanding of their working contract.
This discrepancy is a hidden source of conflict
between them.

141. Marriage enrichment and counselling
sometimes enables couples merely to
adjust to their existing contract more
comfortably without evaluating and
changing its unfair and unequal aspects.
Such an approach is inherently unliberating
and will in the long run prevent them from
strengthening their relationship in a
continuing way.

142. The ideal toward which couples should be helped to grow is two
autonomous, growing individuals who choose to develop loving
independency rather than the symbiotic dependency of two half-
persons. To be genuinely liberating and growth producing (rather
than merely sugar-coating an unjust relationship), marriage
counselling and enrichment should always include consciousness-
raising. This means increasing couples’ awareness of the ways in
which the unequal allocation of power, decision-making, and
opportunities for growth are root causes of marital anger,
unhappiness and conflict. Consciousness raising should increase
couple’s understanding of how their sexist social programming as
women and men diminishes mutual growth in marriage. (for
methods of consciousness raising, see Charlotte Holt Clinebell’s
Counseling for Liberation).

143. Marriage counseling and enrichment should challenge
and teach couples how to revise their contracts to make
their relationship as just and equal as possible. The
principle that the only solid foundation for love is justice
should be implemented in all marriage counseling and
enrichment.
Sexism is a central cause of both diminished and
destructive marriages. Therefore, pastoral counselors
cannot nurture the mutual growth of married persons
fully unless they actively help couples grow mutually
liberating and equal, as well as intimate marriages.

144. The institutional male chauvinism of most
churches and theologies militates against such
liberating marriage counseling and enrichment.
We must take seriously the freeing insight of Paul
that in Christ there is neither male nor female (Gal
3:28), that one’s humanity, not one’s gender, is
what really matters. The most important
implications of all that is that pastoral marriage
counselors and enrichers must have a raised
consciousness in the area of both women’s and
men’s liberation.

145. THE INITIAL SESSION IN MARRIAGE
COUNSELING
What occurs during the first interview in marriage
counseling or therapy determines whether or not the
foundation is laid for an ongoing, workable therapeutic
relationship. During the first session, the pastor should:
Communicate warmth, caring, and a willingness to help,
and affirm the couple for seeking help.
Find out how each feels about being there, why each
person came now, what each wants, fears, expects, and
hopes for from improve their side of the relationship.

146. Help motivate the less-motivated partner by building
rapport with that person and awakening realistic hope for
more satisfaction and less pain in the marriage.
Discover how long the crisis or problems have been going
on. Is the alienation chronic and protracted, or does the
couple have periods of connectedness between crisis?
Provide comparable opportunity for each person to
describe the problems, express their feelings, and say
what changes must occur (usually in the other) to make
the marriage workable for them, (i.e., which clauses of the
marriage contract are unfair and unsatisfying and therefore
must be revised?)

147. After their anger and hurt are expressed and reduced, find
out what each person still values about the marriage and
about each other, and affirm whatever strengths and
potential resources they have with which to strengthen
their marriage through counseling.
Make a tentative decision (based on what is discovered in
2 and 4) concerning whether to try short-term marriage
crisis counseling or refer the couple to a marital therapist.
If. After three to five sessions of crisis counseling, the
couple has made little or no constructive movement, they
probably need longer-term marital and/or individual
therapy.

148. If short-term counselling seems likely to
help, ask the couple to agree to come for
three or four additional sessions with the
expectation that at the end of the series,
they and the counselor will decide what is
needed. If in the initial session referral
obviously is needed, the pastor should
explain why and assure the couple that she
or he will assist them in finding the
specialized help they need.

149. Help the couple decide on and commit
themselves to some between –sessions at
home assignment-some small, constructive
action they will take to help make their
relating more mutually satisfying as soon as
possible.
Near the close of the first session (and
other sessions) ask them how they feel
about what has occurred-drawing out and
accepting any negative feelings they may
have.

150. Use prayer or other religious resources
only if clearly appropriate with that
couple.
After the interview, reflect on what was
learned, and make tentative plans for
helping the couple: check with a
consultant or colleague (peer
consultant) if the situation is
complicated or confusing.

151. LESSON EIGHT
CONFLICT AND CRISIS MANAGEMENT
Conflict is a serious disagreement or argument, typically a
protracted one.
It is a clash of interest. The basis of conflict may vary but it is
always a part of society. Basis of conflict may be personal, racial,
class, caste, political and international. Conflict in groups often
follows a specific course.
Conflict management is the process of limiting the negative
aspects of conflict while increasing the positive aspects
of conflict. The aim of conflict management is to enhance
learning and group outcomes, including effectiveness or
performance in an organizational setting.

152. What Are the Five Conflict Resolution
Strategies?
Avoiding. Someone who uses a strategy of
"avoiding" mostly tries to ignore or sidestep the
conflict, hoping it will resolve itself or dissipate.
Accommodating. …
Compromising. …
Competing. …
Collaborating.
Conflict Management Skills

153. Effective communication Skills.
Effective communication skills are of utmost
importance to prevent conflicts. ...
Listening Skills. An individual must not give his
expert comments unless and until he is very clear
what the other person wants. ...
Discussion. ...
Patience. ...
Impartial. ...
Never Criticize. ...
Positive Attitude. ...

154. Ignore others.
A crisis is defined as a situation or event in which a person
feels overwhelmed or has difficulty coping. ... Crisis
counseling involves providing support and guidance to an
individual or a group of people such as a family or community
during a crisis.
Crisis counseling involves providing support and guidance to an
individual or a group of people such as a family or community
during a crisis. The purpose of crisis counseling is to decrease
emotional pain, provide emotional support, make sure that the
person in crisis is safe, and help develop a plan for coping with
the situation. Sometimes it also involves connecting a person to
other community or health services that can provide long-term
support.

155. Crisis counseling can be linked to health
education if it is used to increase knowledge of
how to avoid or cope with a crisis in the future. It
can also be used to change people's attitudes
and beliefs about people in crisis, and to provide
people with information about help available in
their community. Public health professionals, for
example, might educate a community on how to
cope with a natural disaster such as a hurricane
or an earthquake.

156. Crisis counseling is also related to health promotion.
People can be taught useful skills that will help them to
anticipate and cope with a crisis. Skills, information, and
support services gained through crisis counseling can
also help a person or a group of people to improve their
health and quality of life. Crisis counseling can also be
tied to health promotion through the development of
health-related public policy and supportive
environments. For example, public health professionals
might create a policy to build crisis counseling centers
or to develop a peer counseling program in high
schools or colleges.

157. A valuable tool for public health, crisis counseling has
several advantages over other types of counseling or health
services. It is relatively low-cost and simple to provide, and
it is flexible and easy to learn. A wide variety of health
professionals, including doctors, nurses, psychologists, and
social workers, can be taught to help people through the
application of crisis counseling techniques. Crisis
counseling services can also be provided in a wide variety
of places or settings, including hospitals, community clinics,
military bases, and police stations, as well as through
telephone-based services. New technologies have also
created the possibility of Internet-based crisis counseling.

158. THE GOALS OF MARRIAGE CRISES
COUNSELING
The overall goal of marriage crisis counseling and also
marriage therapy is to help couples learn how to make their
relationship more mutually needs-satisfying and therefore more
growth –nurturing. To help them accomplish this, certain
operational goals should be in the counselor’s mind during the
process. In short-term marriage crisis counseling, the
counselor seeks to help the couple:
Reopen their blocked communication lines and learn more
effective communication skills (which are essential for
accomplishing the other goals).

159. Interrupt the escalating, self-perpetuating cycle of mutual
attack and retaliation, triggered by their severe frustration of
mutual need-satisfactions; and become aware of the futility
and self-sabotaging consequences of their own behavior,
including their efforts to reform each other.
Become aware of the strengths and unused assets in
themselves and their relationship which they can use to
make constructive changes in themselves and their
marriage.
Identify specific areas where change-growth must occur in
each person’s own behavior to interrupt their crisis and
make their marriage more mutually need-fulfilling.

160. Negotiate and then implement workable and just
change plans in which each person takes
responsibility for changing her/his side of the
interactions between them. This is a renegotiation
of their marriage covenant, In this process, they
will mobilize some latent coping resources, learn
new problem-solving skills (e.g. constructive
conflict resolution) and raise the level of mutual –
satisfaction in the relationship.

161. Experience the reawakening of the energy-for change
in realistic hope. Realistic hope is generated in three
ways in counseling. It is first caught empathetically from
the counselor’s expectation that the couple has the
capacity to change and grow. Hope is then nourished by
increased awareness of their strengths and assets with
which they can rebuild malfunctioning aspects of their
relationship. Hope is strengthened and reinforced as
they actually change self-hurting behavior in and
between themselves. Constructive change generates
realistic hope, and hope generates further change.

162. Marriage crisis counseling and marriage therapy are
actually on a continuum. Marriage therapy shares the
above goals, but in addition seeks to help couples:
Discover, explore, and to some degree, exorcise the
subconscious or unconscious roots of conflicted role
image and neurotic (exaggerated and conflicted0 needs
learned primarily from their parents: deal with
relationship-diminishing fantasies, fears and rage.
Individual psycho-therapeutic sessions may be needed
concurrently with joint couple sessions, to facilitate this
individual growth.

163. Renegotiate and revise major aspects of the
marital contract that are unjust and/or unworkable.
Marriage therapy is longer term than marriage crisis
counseling because it involves a greater degree of
learning of relationship-building skills and a more
basic reconstruction of the relationship. (For a
detailed description of methods used in marital
therapy relationships, see chapter 3 in Growth
Counseling. Many of these methods can also be
used in shorter-term marriage counseling).

164. METHODS OF MARRIAGE CRISIS
COUNSELING
 These goals will become clearer when viewed operationally in the following
account of crisis counseling with Joan and Bill Sheldon (This is a composite
case based on several similar experiences of marriage crisis counseling).
 Joan Sheldon phones the Reverend Sally Marks to ask if she would see her
about a marital problem. Joan (34) and Bill (36) are members of Sally’s
church. They have been married eight years and have two children, ages
5and 1½. Sally responded: “Yes, of course I’ll be glad to be of whatever help I
can, Joan. Tell me a little about what’s happening” (This question was aimed
at finding out how acute the crisis was and enough about its nature to decide
whether to begin with individual or couple counseling) Joan on Bill’s
excessive drinking. Their marital conflict had skyrocketed since he had been
terminated three months ago from his position as an engineer with a nearby
aerospace company.

165. Joan: He’s unbearable! So discouraged about
not finding another job he often just sits in front of
the tube and drinks beer most of the day. Yells at
me when I ask him why he isn’t out looking for a
job. I should find a job again- his unemployment
compensation will run out soon. But I’m afraid to
leave our kids with him-he’s so upset and half-
drunk much of the time, shouts at them when
they make any noise. I suspect his heavy
drinking is one reason he was let go!

166. Pastor: Sounds as though you’ve about had it!
Things are really rough! How would Bill feel
about the three of us getting together to talk?
Since the problem is at least partly in your
relationship, it would be helpful if I could hear
how both of you see it.
Joan: He’s very upset about the mess we’re in
and what’s going on between us, but he feels
our main problem is his being out of work.

167. Pastor: That certainly is a major problem, but from what you
say, it seems that the suffering for all of you is made worse by
what this is doing to your relationships as a family. Do you
suppose he would be willing to come at least once so that I
could hear both of your viewpoints about the crisis you’re in
and what you can do to make things better?
Joan said he probably would and a tentative appointment was
made for the next day, to be confirmed after she had talked
with Bill.
When the Sheldons’ came to the pastor’s study, she greeted
them warmly and asked them to have a seat in a small cluster
of three comfortable chairs away from the desk.

168. Pastor: I appreciate your accepting my invitation to
come, Bill I can understand how you might be feeling
some resistance since it wasn’t your idea to talk to me.
As I explained to Joan when she phoned, I think I can
be more helpful if I know how each of you sees and
feels about your situation.
Bill: Things have been going downhill since I lost my
job. I’m willing to talk if it might help.
Pastor: Joan told me a little about the problems on the
phone, but I suspect that you may have some different
views on the situation. How do you see the problem,
Bill?

169. Bill: I lost my job and with the economy being in the
miserable shape it’s in I haven’t been able to find a
comparable position in my field. It’s been damn discouraging
and I guess I’ve guess I’ve been kinda hard to live with. But
her nagging me hasn’t exactly helped!
Pastor: The whole job situation must be very rough on you,
Bill I realize that finding another job has to be your biggest
concern right now and talking with me won’t be of direct help
on that. But it sounds as if the conflict between the two of
you are making being out of work even harder for both of
you. Perhaps we can discover some ways that the two of
you can make things better in that area.

170. The lines of meaningful communication were gradually
reopened as the pastor encouraged Bill and Joan to
describe their perceptions of their crisis. This produced
heated disagreement, especially about the role of Bill’s
drinking in his firing. Sally watched their pattern of
communication carefully, nothing that they talked to
each other only through her This suggested that their
communication, except for circular arguing, mutual
attack, and accusation (stemming from their anger and
suffering) had become constricted and ineffective as a
means of problem-solving.

171. Effective communication, including all the verbal and
nonverbal ways people exchange ideas, attitudes,
meanings, desires, hopes, angers, fears, warmth, and
caring is what nurtures love in a relationship by feeding
the basic psychological hungers and satisfying the basic
human will-to-relate. The pathology of the Sheldons’
communication system was both a cause and an effect of
their increasing alienation. (Marriages where there has
been little if any effective communication for years are not
a rarity. The needs-starvation in such relationships
produces intense suffering, with consequent anger and
mutual attack).

172. THE COUNSELOR’S ROLE
It is evident that the minister took an active role in
working with the Sheldons’. I agree with the view that
“if joint interviews are to be constructive, the counselor
must assume responsibility for establishing limits,
structure, balance, and focus during the interview.
“The pastor was, in Sullivan’s phrase, a “participant
observer,” but also an “observant participant”. She was
a referee who saw that both persons had a fair chance
to express their views and participate equally in
decisions affecting them both.

173. The minister was also a coach who helped them learn how
to play the game of marriage more creatively, a teacher
who suggested or recommended actions for them to
consider. She was a communications-facilitator who
helped them practice the art of getting messages through
to the other effectively. She was an accepting authority
figure with some expertise in relationships. As such she
was not shy about confronting them(caringly) with the
hurtful consequences of their immature behavior affirming
them when they responded to each other more
constructively. By her sensitivity to what was happening in
their interaction, the minister was an awareness
stimulator.

174. She was a reality-tester for them, allowing them,
allowing them to check their perceptions of the realities
of their relationships against hers. She was a guide
who encouraged them to explore some of the
dynamics of their relationships. The pastor was also a
role-model, particularly for Joan, of a strong,
competent, caring woman. She shared some of her
learnings from her own marriage. She was a pastor
who symbolized and sought to be a channel for the
healing love of God to flow into the lives and the
marriage of this couple. Most of all, Sally marks was a
warm human being who reached out, not down, to help
Joan and Bill.

175. Being actively involved as a counselor does not
mean making decisions for counselees, doing
for them what they could do for themselves,
pushing them toward solutions chosen by the
counselor. To illustrate, if persons ask. “Should I
get a divorce?” it is important to accept their
feeling of desiring (ambivalently in most cases)
authoritative advice, but then (gently but firmly)
make it plain that this is too compels and
personal a decision for anyone else to make for
them.

176. Being actively involved as a counselor does not
mean making decisions for counselees, doing
for them what they could do for themselves,
pushing them toward solutions chosen by the
counselor. To illustrate, if persons ask. “Should I
get a divorce?” it is important to accept their
feeling of desiring (ambivalently in most cases)
authoritative advice, but then (gently but firmly)
make it plain that this is too compels and
personal a decision for anyone else to make for
them.

177. In conclusion: the just complete study
will enable you both spiritual and
educational to help everyone which is
our call to service. Pastoral care and
counselling is a great help to
functioning as counselors to the
congregations given to us to care for
as a shepherd cares for his sheep.

178. SUGGESTED READINGS
Clinebell, Howard, Basic types of Pastoral
Counseling, Nashville Abingdon Press 1992.