1. PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH OF
GHANA
EBENEZER
CONGREGATION,ASHALEY BOTWE
NEW TOWN
TOPIC FOR PRE – MARITAL
COUNSELLING

2.  INTRODUCTION
A brief orientation of the process:
 Forms and Questionnaires.

3. FIRST SECTION:
DISCUSSION BASED ON
THESE VERY
IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

4.  What are your
expectations for the
premarital
counseling?

5.  What would you like to
see accomplished
during the premarital
counseling?

6.  If I were to ask you to
describe your finance
what will you say?

7.  Describe your
personal relationship
with Jesus Christ?

8.  How would you
describe your
courtship with
respect to length and
type?

9.  In
what way will
your courtship
contribute to your
marriage?

10.  Is there anything from
your courtship that you
would like to change
after you are married?

11.  whatconvinced you
that you love this
person? (to one)

12.  Please describe the
love that you have.
(to the other)

13.  Whatis the extent of
your sexual
expression?

14.  Whomakes decisions
in your family?

15.  Whatis there about
your parents’
marriage that you
want or don’t want in
marriage?

16.  Is there anything
about yourself that
or your past that you
think might seriously
affect your marriage?

17.  Inlight of what is
happening to
marriages today, why
will yours be
different?

18. Which of you handles
disappointment best?
Describe what you have
experienced and how
you have handled
these?

19.  Whatare your fears
and concerns about
marriage?

20. TWO ASSIGNMENTS
Give
ten reasons why
you would want to
marry your partner

21. WHAT IS MARRIAGE?

22.  MARRIAGE
Marriage is the union
between a man and a
woman after they have
gone through all the
laid-down procedures in
the society

23. and are therefore
loyally, religiously
and customarily
recognized as
husband and wife.

24. Itis also seen as social
commitment or contract
because it involves two
persons from different
families who have
agreed to give
themselves to each
other.

25. they come together
to work at mutual
peace, love, respect
for each other,
enjoyment and
happiness.

26.  TYPES OF MARRIAGE
 a) TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE
 b) CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE
 c) ISLAMIC MARRIAGE
 d)
CIVIL OR MARRIAGE UNDER
ORDINANCE

27. All
these kinds of
marriages have
their peculiar
characteristics and
procedures

28. TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE:
This forms the
basis of all
marriages in
Ghana.

29. Intraditional
societies, the
marriage is
between individuals
as well as their
families.

30. Parents could offer
their daughters for
marriage long
before these girls
grow for marriage.

31. However, there is a
change in this
practice. Now most
parents ask for the
approval of their
children.

32. Though there are
differences in
various
traditional
marriages,

33. Yet,they all pass
through certain
procedures and
have the same
objectives.

34. These include
selection of partners,
family negotiation,
marriage ceremony
and handing over of
the bride to the
groom’s family.

35.  MATE SELECTION:
This is where
prospective couple
make a choices of
potential partners.

36. This is done in
two ways, the
arranged and
free-choice.

37. Under the arranged
method parents of the
man and woman may
choose the spouse
with or without the
consent of the
partners concerned.

38. There are situations
were young girls have
been betrothed at
birth to men with or
without their
knowledge.

39. They are forced
into the marriage
when they are of
age.

40. However, the free-
couple have
freedom to select
their partners of
choice after a long
period of courtship.

41. Inspite,
the
concern of
both families
are necessary.

42. Itis important that
after selection, the
families of both
potential husband
and wife are
investigated
thoroughly.

43. This help to check the
backgrounds of partners as
well as their respective
families to be sure that
there are no genetic
disease like epilepsy,
lunacy and leprosy.

44. Afterconducting
these investigations
and outcome is
satisfactory, a formal
proposal is made to
engage the hands of
the girl in marriage.

45. Aperiod of at
least four weeks is
requested to
“think” over the
proposal.

46. Inthis case the
women’s family also
uses it as an
opportunity to
investigate the man’s
family.

47.  FAMILY NEGOTIONS:
Afterthe woman’s family
agrees to the marriage, the
head of the man’s family
then proceeds to go in for
the woman’s hand in
marriage.

48. The proposal is
accompanied by at
least a bottle of
local Gin.

49. Inthe Northern
Region kola is
used. This is what
we call the
“knocking fee”

50. MARRIAGECEREMONY
(PAYMENT OF BRIDE
PRICE):

51. During the marriage
ceremony various
items like drink and
cash are presented
this is referred to as
the Bride Prize.

52. The purpose of this is
that the man and his
family are hardworking
and are capable of
taking good care of the
bride and seals the
marriage contract.

53. Itis after the bride
price is paid that
the woman
becomes the wife of
the man.

54. Itthen qualifies the
two partners to have
legal sexual access to
each other and give
birth to children.

55.  HANDING OVER OF BRIDE TO GROOM
FAMILY:
The final phase of every
customary marriage is
the official handing
over of the bride to the
groom and his family.

56. Intraditional African
societies, a white bed
sheet is often laid on
the bed for the newly
married couple to have
their first sexual union.

57. CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE:

The Christian
marriage normally has
elements of
traditional system of
marriage.

58. Itusually involves
intensive praying and
fasting prior to the
selection of the spouse,
family negotiations,
courting,

59. and payment of bride
prize (engagement)
wedding and formally
transfer of the bride
to the bridegroom.

60. Unlike the traditional marriage
were parents choose for their
children, Christian marriage
allows suitors to choose their
spouses. In spite of this
parent’s have influence of the
selection of spouse.

61. The man and the woman do
the selection after intensive
prayers, seeking God’s
guidance in the choice of a
humble and well mannered
partner no criminal
tendencies or diseases like
lunacy, leprosy etc..

62. FAMILY NEGOTIATION:
 After careful consideration the
woman’s parents may request for
drink which in modern
Christianity is represented by
cash as a symbol of acceptance
of proposal.

63.  COURTING AND COUNSELLING:

Courting is very important in
Christianity marriage. During
this period the prospective
couples take the opportunity
to study each other.

64. The couples are counseled
during this period, they are
thought the do’s and don’t
as well as challenges in
marriage. A Christian who is
an experience marriage
counselor often handles
this.

65.  ENGAGEMENT:
 The most important stage of
Christian marriage is the payment
of the bride wealth or prize, this
differs depending on status,
religious affiliation etc. Soft
drinks, cash, engagement bible,
ring, a hymn book, trinkets,
sewing machine,

66.  clothes,wristwatch and a pair of
shoes form the basis payment of
most Christian marriages in
Ghana. It is termed engagement
because it is expected that there
will be wedding or blessing of
marriage by pastor before the
marriage is consummated.

67. WEDDING:
It is the final stage of every
Christian marriage. Is the
consecration of the union by
a priest or religious Minister.

68. Before consecration the
marriage is expected to be
registered in court or District
Council. It is normally signed
in the course of the wedding
ceremony in the church.

69. The wedding is published
and announced to the
congregation. In most cases
the test for virginity is not
done in Christian marriage.

70. CIVIL MARRIAGE OR MARRIAGE
UNDER ORDINACE:
 Under CAP 127, marriage under
the ordinance through the
registrar’s certificate is mainly
conducted in the offices of
Registrar. They are through:

71.  The Registrar’s Certificate
 The Marriage Officer’s
Certificate and
 A special License
 from the Government

72. Under the CAP 127, marriage
under the ordinance through
the registrar’s certificate is
mainly conducted or
solemnized in the offices of
the Registrar-General or a
Local, District or a City Council.

73.  NOTICE OF MARRIAGE AND
MARRIAGE NOTICE BOOK:
 One of the parties in the
proposed is expected to inform
the Registrar General’s office in
the district in which the marriage
is going to take place by providing
and following information.

74.  The names of the
prospective bride and
bridegroom
 Their civil state that is
whether they are bachelor
and spinster, widower and
widow.

75. Their occupation.
Their age and place of
residence and
 A guarantor to consent to
the marriage.

76. On receiving these pieces of
information, the registrar is
expected to enter the
proposal concerning the
intended marriage in the
Marriage Notice Book.

77. Copy of this information is
supposed to be affixed on a
notice board so as to afford the
general public the chance to
read..

78. Besides, the publication is
intended to prevent incest, for
marriage between close
relatives is not only a taboo,
but it also constitutes a
violation of the laws of Ghana

79.  MARRIAGE UNDER THE
ORDINANCE THROUGH THE
OFFICER’S CERTIFICATE
 Themarriage that is conducted
under the Officer’s Certificate is
what is commonly known in
Ghana as Church Marriage.

80. This form of marriage is
similar to the marriage
under the registrar’s
certificate, except that most
of the activities under this
one are done through the
church.

81.  Some of the information includes
Personal Information, Publication of
the Banns and the Celebration of the
Marriage. After the Marriage Officer’s
Certificate, the marriage can now be
solemnized by any recognized
Minister of the Church or religious
denomination in accordance with the
rites of marriage practiced in such a
church or religious denomination.

82. This is to be done in the
presence of at least, two
witnesses besides the
officiating Minister.

83. ORDINANCE MARRIAGE
UNDER “SPECIAL LICENCE
FROM THE GOVERNOR
This is the third form of marriage
under the ordinance. The
President grants a special license
to the parties who want to
contract the marriage after
meeting all the requirements.

84. Thisform of civil
marriage is however,
not very common in
Ghana today.

85. SECOND SESSION:
BIBLICAL
FOUNDATION OF
MARRIAGE

86. Marriage is a divine institution
which provide for intimate
relationship between husband
and wife along with a feeling
of security because there is a
climate of love and because a
personal commitment has
been made by each mate.

87. As God felt it was not good
for the man to live alone he
created woman as his
helpmate. From this one
can deduced that the estate
of the marriage life is well
pleasing to God himself.

88. God’s creative work was not
complete until He made
woman. He could have
made her from the dust of
the ground as he made man
but chose however, to make
her from the man’s flesh
and bone.

89. In so doing He demonstrated
that in marriage the man
and the woman are
symbolically united into
one.

90. 
This is a mystical union
of the couple’s heart and
lives. The goal in
marriage should be more
than friendship, it should
be oneness.

91. When establishing marriage,
God did so not only to
provide a close companion
who would be a complement
of man but also to make
provision for producing more
humans and doing so within
a family arrangement.

92. MARRIAGE WAS CREATED
FOR RELATIONSHIPS
No Christian life is worth
living without a good
relationship with God and
others. This is why in the
creation stories, God
insisted on getting Adam a
partner.

93. In His words it is not
good that the man
should be alone. God
did not want Adam to
just have a relationship
with Him alone so He
created Eve for him.

94. God created Adam and Eve
so they might also learn to
live and to love each other.
CHRISTIAN
MARRIAGES
REFLECT CHRIST’S
LOVE FOR THE

95.  The Bible suggests that the
marriage relationship between a
husband and the wife should
reflect the relationship the
relationship between God and
Israel, and selflessly sacrificed for
her, so St. Paul expects husbands
to love their wives. (Ephesians
Chapter 5) Marriage is based on
love which must not be merely
sentimental, but as expressed in
1Corinthians 13.

96. Love is patient and kind;
Love is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its way,
It is not irritable or resentful;
It does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices
in the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things,
endures all things.
Love never ends. So faith, hope and
love abides,

97. MARRIAGE AND LEGAL
REQUIREMENT
Most Christians will ask
whether it is really important to
get married in accordance with
legal requirements, hence the
registration of marriage.

98. The answer is simply yes God
teaches us in his word that as
Christians, we should continue to
be subjected and be obedient to
the governments and authorities
as rulers (Titus: 3:1) when we
heed these instructions we save
ourselves of the danger
disobedience.

99. Also,legal registration of
the marriage safeguards the
property rights of family
members in the event of
death of one of the mates.

100. Legally,registering a
marriage relationship that is
acceptable to the Christian
congregation is required
wherever possible.

101. Were there any legal
formalities when Adam
Eve began to live
together?

102. In Genesis 2:22-24, God after
creating the rib of Adam, he
proceeded to create Eve also
from that same rib and he
blesses them to be fruitful and
multiply.

103. The statement “for this reason”
as found in verse 24 is a legal
statement. This means that
God have instituted marriage
upon His own principles and
that He expect that all those
who enter into it must consider
His principle very carefully.

104.  God gave marriage as a gift to Adam
and Eve. They were created perfectly
for each other.
 ToGod, marriage was not just for
convenience nor was it brought about
by any culture but was instituted by
God and has three basic principles.

105. i.the man leaves his
parents and, in public acts,
promises himself to his
wife

106. ii.The man and woman
are joined together by
taking responsibilities for
each other’s welfare and
by loving the mate above
all others.

107. iii.
The two are united into
one in the intimacy and
commitment of sexual
union that is reserved for
marriage.

108. Successful marriage
demands all these three
principles

109.  CLEAVE / UNITED / JOIN TOGETHER
LEAVE ONE FLESH

110.  (i) Aspects of LEAVING
 spiritual
 Emotional (this have to do
with our HEART or Feelings).
 Psychological (this have to
do with our MIND or our way
of thinking)
 Physical

111. (ii) CLEAVE / UNITED / JOIN
TOGETHER
Patchingor gluing together
Inseparable
Compromises are needed
Adjustments
Containments

112.  (iii) ONE FLESH
oneness
unity
no secrets
Sharing (aspiration, dreams
challenges, victories) etc.

113. REASON/ PURPOSE FOR
MARRIAGE (biblically).
At this session we shall be
looking at the reasons for the
institution of marriage as the
scriptures reveal.

114. Theman needs a help
mate
(Gen. 2:18 -24)

115. For Companionship:
opposite of
loneliness. (Gen.
2:18 -24)

116. Forreinforcement
(Eccl. : 4: 9)

117. Forsharpening
(Prov. :27 : 17)

118. For purity
(I Cor. :7: 1-2)
(Heb. :13:4)

119. ForProcreation
(Gen. : 1:28)
(Mal. 2:15)

120. THIRD SESSION:
ORDER AND ROLES IN
THE MARRIAGE

121. The Holy Scriptures teach that
married life has been instituted
by God Himself. And it is
known that God is a God of
order and he desires to be
praised in orderly and most
holy conducts of our married
lives.

122. At this session, we shall
discuss the roles of
responsibilities for the man
and the woman in the
marriage and God’s order for
the marriage in terms of
priority.

123.  The great Apostle Paul
admonishes the Christian couples
to fulfill their duties to each other
(1.Cor.7:3). To him the man
should fulfill his duty as the
husband and the woman should
also fulfill her duties as a wife,

124. so that the partners in
marriage assist each other
faithfully in all things that
belong to the needs of this
earthly life. This means that in
marriage we are called to
satisfy each other.

125. There are two categories of
marital roles
 (i) GENERAL ROLES

(ii)
SPECIFIC ROLES

126. GENERAL ROLE
This a role assigned to all the
partners- SUBMISSION (Eph.
5:21)
“Submit yourself to one another
because of your of reverence for
Christ”

127.  Submitting to another person is an
often misunderstood concept. It does
not mean becoming a doormat. Our
savior Jesus Christ at whose name
“every knee bow, in heaven and on
earth and under the earth” (Phip.
2:10) – submitted his will to the
Father, and we honor Christ by
following his example.

128. When we submit to God, we
become more willing to obey his
command to submit to others,
that is, to subordinate our rights
to theirs. In a marriage
relationship, both husband and
wife are called to submit. For the
wife, this means willingly following
her husband’s leadership in Christ.

129. For the husband, it means putting
aside his own interests in order to
care for his wife. Submission is
rarely a problem in homes where
both partners have a strong
relationship with Christ and where
each is concerned for the
happiness of the other.

130. In Paul’s day, women,
children, and slaves were to
submit to the head of the
family. Slaves would submit
until they were freed, male
children until they grew up,
and women and girls their
whole lives.

131. Paul emphasized the equality
of all believers in Christ
(Galatians 3:28), but he did
not suggest overthrowing
Roman society to achieve it.
Instead, he counseled all
believers to submit to one
another by choice.

132. Wives to submit to
husbands and also
husbands to submit to
wives; slaves to masters
and also masters to slaves;
children to parents and
also parents to children.

133. This kind of mutual
submission preserves order
and harmony in the family
while it increases love and
respect among family
members.

134. Although some people have
distorted Paul’s teaching on
submission by giving unlimited
authority to husbands, we
cannot get around it. Paul told
wives to submit to their
husbands.

135.  The fact that a teaching is not
popular is no reason to
discard it. According to the
Bible, the man is the spiritual
head of the family, and his
wife should acknowledge his
leadership.

136. But real spiritual leadership
involves service. Just as
Christ served the disciples,
even to the point of
washing their feet, so the
husband is to serve his
wife.

137. 
A wise and Christ-honoring
husband will not take
advantage of his leadership
role, and Christ-honoring wife
will not try to undermine her
husband’s leadership. Either
approach causes disunity and
friction in marriage

138.  Why did Paul tell wives to submit and
husband’s to love? Perhaps Christian
women, newly freed in Christ, found
submission difficult; perhaps Christian
men, used to the Roman custom of
giving unlimited power to the head of
the family, were not used to treating
their wives with respect and love. Of
course both husbands and wives
should submit to each other (5:21),
just as both should love each other.

139.  Some Christians have thought that
Paul was negative about marriage
because of the counsel he gave in
1Corinthians 7:32-38. These verses
in Ephesians, however, show a high
view of marriage. Here marriage is
not a practical necessity or a cure of
lust, but a picture of Christ and his
church! Why the apparent
difference?

140.  Paul’s counsel in 1Corinthians was
designed for a state of emergency
during a time of persecution and
crisis. Paul’s counsel to the Ephesians
is more the biblical ideal for marriage.
Marriage, for Paul, is a holy union, a
living symbol, a precious relationship
that needs tender, self-sacrificing
care.

141.  SPECIFIC ROLE (MAN)
 The husband should be a copy of our
real Head, which is Christ, and should
love his wife heartily in conformity
with the great love which Christ has
shown to us, having giving himself for
our sake. Thus St. Paul says in
Ephesians 5: “Husbands love your
wives, as Christ loved the church and
gave Himself up for her.

142. Even so husbands should love
their wives as their own
bodies. He who loves his wife
love himself.” He should feed,
protect, guide and comfort
her, and not be bitter against
her, in accordance with the
word of the apostle:

143. “Do nothing from selfishness
or conceit, but in humility
count others better than
yourselves.” The man should
work industriously in his
calling so as to maintain his
household honourably.

144. God is a God of order and
desires to be praised in the
orderly and holy conduct of our
lives. Therefore He desires that
the partners in marriage assist
each other faithfully in all things
that belong to the needs of this
earthly life.

145. He expects them to grow
into deep fellowship as one
soul and one heart and
thus being sanctified by
the Lord, grow into all
perfection.

146. SPECIFIC ROLE (WOMAN)
 Again,the wife should be subject to
her husband in the Lord. She must
not try to rule over him, so that the
peace of the home is not disturbed.
“Let her adorning be the hidden
person of the heart with the
imperishable jewel of a gentle and
quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is
very precious.”

147. (1Peter 3, 4) she must be a help
to her husband in all good things,
look after the household and the
children, and conduct herself in
humility and love, in discipline and
orderliness, so that she may be an
example of true godliness to
others.

148. The order of God in the
family unit May not be
visible physically but one
cannot deny the existence
of God’s master plan for
marriage.

149. GOD’S ORDER FOR MARRIAGE
(i). my personal relationship with
God
(ii). my nuclear family (spouse and
children)
(iii). my church (the local assembly)
(iv). my job (work)

150. SESSION FOUR:

151. LOVE
&
FRIENDSHIP

152. What is love?
Love is giving to the
other person what
he/she needed most
when s/he least deserves
it (Rom 5:8)

153. LOVE IS EROS:
This is a need love based on physical
attraction and fulfillment. This kind of
love is necessary for marriage to
succeed. However, marriage cannot
be sustained by Eros alone. It is out
of the word we have the English word
erotic.

154. This kind of love is not bad
per say. (pro. 5:18) it is
intoxicates, that brings
euphoria, sensual, it is
romantic.

155. This is a very important
aspect of love and we
must not lack it if we want
to have a lasting
relationship

156. LOVE IS PHILEO
This is a friendship love
based on reciprocal sharing
of time, activity, the home,
hobbies, games and other
object of common
affection.

157. This is honour devotion,
sharing companionship,
reciprocity and serving each
other. This is doing what
the other person want you
to do but you would not like
to do but because of love
you will do.

158. This is companionship,
comradeship, partnership,
participation and friendship

159. Erotic love is about
being lovers but phileo
love is about been best
friends (pro. 17:17)
(Rom. 12:9-10)

160. This is learning to
care and be best
friends doing life
together

161. LOVE IS AGAPE
This is the supernatural
love it is giving love and
can be unilateral in that
one love even when the
other does not respond
(Rom. 5:8)

162. It is self giving. Meeting the
real need of the other person
with the purpose of helping
that person become better or
more mature individual. This
is the kind of love that take
initiative of energizing the
other two kinds of love (eros &
phileo)

163. This is Gods love being kind
hearted, being generous,
walking in forgiveness,
tender heartedness. This is
the love that gives the other
person what they really
need most when they
deserve it the least.

164. This is the kind of person
who forgives even when
s/he is being wounded . He
does not bring up your past
against you though he
knows your history he
refuse to use that against
you.

165. We have always
emphasize on eros when it
comes to marriage but
eros alone is not helpful.

166. 50-75% of first time
marriages either ends up in
divorce or unfulfilled
25% of them lives unhappy
and miserable lives.

167. The foundation of love is to
love people the same way
God love them.
BECOME BEST FRIENDS

168. MEANING OF FRIENDSHIP
Friendship is a state of mutual
affection or regard for another
person.
A friend is a person whom one
knows well, likes and cherishes.

169. A friend is a person who
is not hostile but rather
helpful to another person.

170. Afriend is an island of
safety where you feel
secure and communication
may be without sound or
motion.

171. Afriend is a person
who multiplies your joys
and divides your
sorrows.

172. Afriend is a person who
comes in when the whole
world has gone out. For a
marriage to work each partner
must make a conscious effort
to demonstrate the above
ingredients of true friendship.

173. THE ROLE OF
FRIENDSHIP
IN MARRIAGE

174. FRIENDSHIP LEADS TO
MARRIAGE
Genesis 2:18 “The Lord God
said, ‘It is not good for the
man to be alone, I will make
for him a helper suitable for
him”.

175. The word helper
represents your spouse: A
friend, confidant,
sister/brother,
mother/father or a shoulder
to cry on.

176. Every marriage begins as a
relationship, which
develops through various
levels of friendship: An
acquaintance A
companion A lover A
wife/husband.

177. • Our marriages started first
and foremost as friendships,
which grew through courtship
till we committed ourselves to
one another in a covenant at
the Altar of the Lord.

178. The purpose of the covenant was to
assure each other that we would
continue to love each other, till God
separates us by death. Pledging to
love each other means that we are
pledging to remain as special friends
for life. Malachi 2:16- “…God hates
divorce.

179. Matthew 19:5-6
“And he said, ‘for this reason a man
will leave his father and mother
and be united with his wife, and
the two will become one flesh. So
they are no longer two, but one.
Therefore what God has joined
together, let man not separate.

180. MARRIAGE IS BASICALLY
FRIENDSHIP
 Marriage is the highest from of friendship
between two persons of the opposite sex.
Thus, we should allow God’s spirit living
and working through us to help us to do
acts of love to each other in order to
sustain the friendship

181. • The most valuable commodity we
own in this world is our relationship
with our spouses. We should assign
to this significant relationship the
highest priority.

182. THE CHARACTERISTICS OF
FRIENDSHIP
Friendship is a process with three
phases, namely Relaxation,
Rapport and Revelation.
Psychologists say these phases
involve sharing on successively
deeper levels:

183. • RELAXATION:
It is the time when you learn to be
comfortable with each other. such
a period may involve a form of
activity that provides a change
and relief from effort, work or
tension and give pleasure.

184. RAPPORT:
An emotional bond or friendly
relationship between people bases
on mutual liking, trust and a sense
that they understand and share
each other’s concerns.

185. It is the time when you are
ready to share aspects of
yourself that are precious
and vulnerable.

186. REVELATION:
The period of mature and
steadfast understanding of
each other.

187. At this stage, you are expected
to recognize your lover’s
uniqueness while discerning
what will best meet your
beloved’s needs.

188. FRIENDSHIP IS LOVE IN
ACTION
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 describes love as
good deeds done to one another.
This is different from the wrong
notion that most people have that
love is merely a feeling. Such an idea
makes a person love the spouse only
when they feel like it.

189. • True friendship is mutual
love that is expressed in
very practical term. Love
is seen in friendship.

190. • Like love, friendship has
two important parts: the
action part and the feeling
part.

191. ACTIONS OF LOVE BETWEEN
FRIENDS (SPOUSES) SHOULD
INCLUDE:
Being thoughtful of and patient
with each other.
Showing respect and speaking
graciously.

192. Forgiving,
helping, thanking
and complementing each
other.
Doing things to make the
other person happy.

193. Loving Actions Lead to Feeling
of Love
Most songs and poems have been
written about the wonderful
feeling of love. The songs of
Solomon contain romantic
expressions of love between
friends-lovers:

194. SONGS OF SOLOMON 4:9
“You have ravished my heart my
sister, my spouse, with one look of
your eyes, with one link of your
necklace.”

195. Songs of Solomon 5:4
“My beloved put his hands by
the latch of the door and my
heart yearned for him”

196. The wonderful feeling of love comes
and goes. It may be high in one
moment and low the next moment: It
is like all human emotions-anger,
sadness, pity, happiness, etc. the
feeling of love in friendship may
disappear altogether.

197. One may be tempted to say,
“I don’t love him/ her
anymore”, when one really
means, “My feeling of love
for him/her is gone.”

198. Less actions of love on your
part will lead to diminishing
feeling of love on your part.
Similarly, more actions of love
on your part will lead to
increasing feeling of love on
your part.

199. FRIENDSHIP GROWS THROUGH
TRIALS
Problems and trials that we
encounter in our relationships are
some of the means God uses to
make our love grow. Relationships
are tested through trials.

200. Many little things happen each
day that can be unpleasant
and if not appropriately
handled can destroy the
friendship between couples:
for example:

201. An unkind word;
unrepentant attitude;
a nasty remark;

202. a little good deed not done;
an apology not offered;
anact of kindness not
appreciated.

203. These unpleasant moments
in our friendship with our
spouses should remind us
that our friendship is under
oath, with God as our witness
(Malachi 2:14).

204. Hence, we should do
everything possible to keep
the relationship growing.

205. At such unpleasant
moments, we may choose
to show our fear of God by
choosing to do love
actions, to bring back our
feeling of love.

206. This means removing the
barriers of love that make
you treat your spouse like
a bitter enemy.

207. Barriers are anything or
negative attitude that
separate and keep you
apart, they hinder and
impede progress.

208. If you want a marriage full
of love, you cannot afford
the luxury of resentment,
anger and self-pity

209. • Changing to your bad feeling
will cripple your marriage
relationship and also take it
toll on your physical health
and emotional well-being.

210. PRACTICAL WAYS OF ENHANCING
FRIENDSHIP IN MARRIAGE
Show Love to Your Spouse through
Practical Ways
 Some practical ways to build and
sustain friendship in marriage are:

211. l SAYING WORDS OF
APPRECIATION
Everyone needs appreciation and
will like to hear words of
gratitude. If we do not receive
appreciation for our efforts, we
sometimes feel hurt.

212. Alady once said to us, “My
husband doesn’t seem to notice
that the house is clean and his
shirts/trousers have been washed
and ironed. When he comes
home from work, he only says.
‘Yaa, is supper ready?” He never
says ‘thank you’ for what I do for
him.”

213.  Appreciationshould not only be
shown in private but also in public.
Proverbs 25:11
 “The right word at the right time is
like precious gold set in silver.”

214. DOING ACTS OF KINDNESS
HUSBANDS
Spend time sitting, walking, talking
and praying with your wife.
Cultivatethe habit of telling your
wife how much you love her.
Let her know your thoughts and
feelings.

215. Bring her little gifts once in a
while.
Be gentle with her, even when
you are angry.
Show your children that you love
their mother and they will respect
her.

216. WIVES
Welcome your husband from work
with a smile and some cheerful
words.
Say “thank you” for his kind acts.

217. Look for his good qualities and
mention them often
Tellthe children how much you
appreciate their daddy.

218. ACCEPTING YOUR SPOUSE
Accept your spouse for who
he/she is. This means accept
your partner in spite of certain
imperfections, such as “sinless
habits” you may notice.

219. CREATE AND ENJOY MUTUAL
LEISURE TIMES
Plan to spend your free times
together as a couple.
Make time to spend time alone
with your spouse.

220. Take time off your busy
schedules at work to be
with your spouse.

221. Prioritize
your activities and make
resources available for yourselves.
Plan to let your annual holidays
coincide or at least overlap.

222. Leisureactivities that may be
undertaken together include:
Sports/Games; Keep-fit activity;
Shopping spree; Market and
trade shows.

223. Tourism and Sight-seeing;
Retreats and Picnics.
Going to the theatre to watch
movies, drama or musical shows.
Playing, Resting and Gardening

224. WORK ON YOUR MUTUAL
ATTRACTION
Work on your physical
appearance.
Work on your inner beauty.
Work at your language.

225. GOALS
A goal is a dream in action, with
purpose.
 “If
we make it our first goal always to
please God, it solves many problems
at once”
Philip E. Howard Jr
Give each hour an assignment.
Mike Murdock

226. Success
equals goals; all else is
commentary
Brain Tracy
A goal properly set is half way
reached.
Zig Ziglar

227. You have to have a dream so you
can get up in the morning.
Billy Wilder
Goals in writing are dreams with
deadlines.
Brain Tracy

228.  Committing your goals to paper
increases the likelihood of your
achieving them by one-thousand
percent. Brain Tracy
 Goalsthat are not in writing are not
goals at all. They are merely
fantasies.
Brain Tracy

229. PLANNING
 Planning is bringing the future into
the present so you can do something
about it now.
 Setting a goal is not the main thing.
It is deciding how you will go about
achieving it and staying with that
plan. Tom Landy

230. “Control starts with planning”
If you fail to plan then you are
planning to fail.

231.  If
you plan for a year, plant a seed. If
for ten years, plant a tree. If for a
hundred years, teach the people.
When you sow a seed once, you will
reap a single harvest. When you
teach the people, you will reap a
hundred harvest.
Kuan Chung

232. Plan your work and work
your plan.
Have a back-up plan.
Plan your work and work
your plan.
Have a back-up plan.

234. THE 7 STEP GOAL-SETTING FORMULA
Identify the Goal
Listyour personal benefits for
achieving the goal.
Identify
the major obstacles you must
overcome to reach the goal.

235. Determine what skills or
knowledge are required to reach
this goal.
Identify
the individuals, groups,
companies, and organizations you
must work with/for to reach this
goal.

236. Develop a specific plan of action
to achieve the goal.
Decide on a realistic time limit for
achievement.

237. 5 BRAIN STORMING TECHNIQUES
2. Focus on one clearly defined idea,
problem or goal.
4. Build on previous ideas
6. Generate a large number of ideas

238. 1. Let one idea lead to another
3. Record your ideas.
“Ideas come from space”
Thomas Edison
 “Ideas come from God”

239. “SMART” GOALS
 Let your goals be
 S – Specific
 M – Measurable
 A – Attainable
 R – Realistic
 T – Time bound
 “Clear definition of goals is the keynote to
success.”
Edison Montgomery

240. EXAMPLES OF “SMART” GOALS
 Reada chapter of a book a day or,
Read a book a week.
 Buy
50 – 100 cement blocks every
month towards a building project.
 Make a friend each week at church or
work.

241. Talk to one person about Jesus
Christ every week.
Savean amount of money each
month.
Get a new customer every week.

242. LIFETIME GOALS STATEMENT
What are your lifetime goals?
Without a lifetime goal, you would
find it very difficult to set and
achieve daily, weekly, monthly, or
year goals.

243.  The lifetime Goals Statement helps
brings your future into the present by
giving you a clearer view of what your
ideal future looks like.
 NB: Your lifetime goals statement
should grow as you grow.

244. 5 QUESTIONS THAT WILL HELP
YOU SET LIFETIME GOALS
 Q1. Who am I? (IDENTITY)
 Q2. Where am I from?
(HERITAGE)
 Q3. Why am I here? (PURPOSE)
 Q4. What can I do?
(POTENTIAL)
 Q5. Where am I going with my life?
(DESTINY)

245. NB: You need to spend time with
God and find answers to these
searching questions before you
begin to set goals in life.
“Man know thyself”


246. MERITS OF WRITTEN LIFETIME
GOALS STATEMENT
Will help you discover what you
really want to do.

247. Help motivate you to do it.
Givemeaning to the way you
spend your time.
It will give a direction to your life.

248.  It
will help you feel in control of
destiny.
 It
will provide a measuring stick
against which to gauge alternative
activities as they come along.
 You’ll
be better able to balance the
many aspects of your life.

249. You’llreduce unnecessary conflict
over how to use your time.
Writing
goals down tends to make
them more concrete and specific.

250. REVIEWING YOUR LIFETIME GOAL
STATEMENTS
Lifetime Goals statement is not static it
should be revised periodically. A
good time every year to re-evaluate
your statement is on your statement
is on your birthday.
 Yourlifetime goals should grow as
you grow.

251. CATEGORIES OF GOALS
 There are basically 3 categories of Goals,
Namely:
 Long-term goals (5 years and beyond)
 Medium-term goals (Between 3-5 years)
 Short-term goals. (2 years and below)

252. LONG-TERM GOAL
A long-term goal is like the Northern
Star; it is a constant factor or point of
orientation that gives you a sense of
direction.
A long-term goal is the “big picture”
of the long view of what you want to
accomplish.

253. It is true that life offers no
guarantee but if you have a
long term goal, you have
decided your destination
before setting out.

254. The clearer the picture of
your long-term goal, the
easier it is to identify the
big and little steps it takes
to achieve it.

255. Long-term planning and
goal-setting must therefore
be complemented by
short-term planning.

256. When you have planned
on both long-term and
short-term levels, then
goals and activities fit
together like well-meshed
gears.

257. A long-term goal can be
linked to a short-term goal
through a medium term
goal.

258. Sub goals/Activities/Strategies
(Mid-term goals)
The mid-term goals help
achieve your dreams by
allowing you to:
Keep on the right road
Measure your progress.
Anticipate future obstacles.

259.  Make necessary correction.
 Build momentum as you work through
a project.
 Increase confidence that you will
achieve the goal.
 Eg. MAIN GOAL – build a house (long
term goal(10 year-plan)

260.  Sub goals/Activities/Strategies
 1stYear – Get a building plan drawn
for you and hang it in
your room (This is to keep you focused
daily)
 2nd Year – Save money to acquire a
plot of land

261. 3rd Year – Build a protective wall
around the plot.
4th Year – Buy a number of
cement blocks monthly depending
on your finances.
5th Year – Buy all iron rod for the
project.

262. 6th Year – Buy all woods and
roofing sheets.
7th Year – Buy Sewage fittings,
pipes, sinks, water closets, PVV,
e.t.c.
8thYear – Buy electrical fittings,
doors locks e.t.c.

263.  9th Year – Buy stones/gravels/sand
for the project
 10th Year- Buy cement, save money
for labour, take your annual leave and
supervise your own project.
 NB: You can combine 2 or 3 of the
sub goals in a year depending on our
finances.

264. MID-TERM GOALS
Mid-term goals are the
billboard that guide you to
your destination.
LEAP into Action, and you will
begin your Journey>

265. LEAP
L – List as many mid-term goals
as you can think of.
E – Evaluate the mid-term goals.
A – Ascertain missing mid-term
goals.
P – Prioritise mid-term goals.

266. HOW TO ORGANIZE YOUR TIME
Define your goals.
Work out a definite program.
Set up time tables.
Concentrate on essentials.

267. Define your goals
 Determine what exactly you
want and commit yourself to
Success.
 Dramatise your goals.

268. Work out a definite program
 Have a monthly worksheet, a weekly
worksheet, then a daily worksheet
(i.e. break your goal into sub goals).
e.g. building a house.
 Save periodically to first acquire a
plot of land.

269. (c) Have in mind work which
must be accomplished within
a certain time and make sure
you do it by that time.
(d) Reward yourself for
having done it.

270. Set up time table
 Always list the jobs you
have to do in order of
importance daily. Do it for
everyday prior to the
actual date.

271. Set time limit for the jobs.
Make your deadline
realistic.
Check up your estimate and
re-adjust your deadlines.

272.  Concentrate on
essentials
 Don’t waste time getting
started on a job. Just start
with an alarm.

273. ABC PRIORITY SYSTEM
 List goals in order of importance
 HighValue = A
 Medium Value = B
 Low Value = C

274. Subdivision
Break the A into A-1, A-2, A-3,
A-4, A-5, etc
B into B-1, B-2, B-3, B-4, B-5
C into C-1, C-2, C-3, C-4, C-5

275. HOW TO LIST ACTIVITIES
TOWARDS YOUR-A-GOALS
To determine the right
activities for achieving
you’re a-goals you must:

276.  List the possible activities for
each A-goal.
 Set priorities to allow you
select the most effective
activity to do now.

277. SHAKE OUT TIME WASTERS IN
YOUR LIFE
1. Facing a confusing
choice?-Get it on paper.
2. Eliminate distraction.
3. Anticipate the tools
needed.

278. Always looking for things? Keep
things at strategic places where
you can always get them.
5. Discourage interruption.
6. Clap down on idle conversation

279.  Learn to say ‘No’ to other
commitments which are not
actually necessary.
 8. Listen
carefully the first time by
getting all the facts the first time
around i.e. who, what, where,
when, why,you avoid costly errors
back-tracking-(doing things over)

280. Get rid of unwanted papers,
searching through them only
wastes time.
10. Solve minor crises in
advance. e.g. have your small
coins for changes.

281. Vary your jobs.
12. Take breaks to recharge,
stretch and breath in.

282.  FORMS OF GOALS
 What kind of person do you want to
become
 Spiritually?
 Financially?
 Educationally?
 Recreationally?

283. DIVISION OF GOALS
One-Year Goals
Five-Year Goals
Ultimate Goals

284. SESSION SIX

285. PLANNING THE FAMILY
BUDGET
FACTORS TO CONSIDER

286.  Planning is bringing the future into the
present so you can do something about it
now.
 Setting a goal is not the main thing. It is
deciding how you will go about achieving
it and staying with that plan.

287. Planning is like setting a goal
A goal is a dream in action, with
purpose.
 “If
we make it our first goal always to
please God, it solves many problems
at once”
Philip E. Howard Jr
Give each hour an assignment.

288.  Success equals goals; all else is
commentary
Brain Tracy
A goal properly set is half way
reached.
Zig Ziglar

289. Budgeting is
planning how much money
you will spend on something.
It is the philosophical frame
work of your resource and
how you intend to use it or
to accumulate it.

290. ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS FOR
PLANNING
DEVELOP OBJECTIVES
Establish overall objectives of
what you want to get done, why
you want to do what you want to
do.
What do you want to achieve

291. EXAMINING ENVIRONMENTAL
CONDITIONS
Visualize the end result. Endeavour to
anticipate or foresee possible
problems to be faced / apportunities
to be taken advantage of. Be aware
of trends in the world around you -
INFORMATION

292. EXAMINE ALTERNATIVE
COURSES OF ACTION
Find out the assess the various
approaches for the achievement of
the desired result (s).

293. SELECT THE BEST FROM THE
AVAILABLE ALTERNATIVE
 SET UP CRITERIA LIKE
C) What have you agreed to do
D) Efficacy
E) Feasibility (technical and resource)
F) Predictable consequences

294.  Acceptability
 Cost
 Time
 Congruence – in terms of overall
consistency
 Parsimony i.e. cost-benefit Cost –
effectiveness considerations

295. The process of selecting the
basic approaches will bring
various CONSTRAINTS into
focus. Examine each carefully
to determine its nature,
weight and relevance

296. PLAN YOUR FAMILY PATTERN
 Givenwhat we wish to do and
when to do it, we should be able
to determine, the sequence of
actions and plan a sensible
organisation to accomplish it.

297. ASSESS COSTS
How much will the plan
cost? – ie Budgetary
considerations should be
worked out.

298. PLAN A SCHEDULE
Set up a schedule of
activities (i.e. Timetable)
with target dates for
putting the varius parts of
the plan into effect.

299. SET OUT EVALUATION POINTS
Build in evaluation points
before initiating the plan so
that changes can be made,
if necessary. Plan should
be flexible enough to meet
changing needs.

300. ESTABLISH CONTROL
A way of checking results against
standards and taking corrective
action. Controls should reveal:
progress in the plan and
Deviations from the plan to
facilitate determination whether or
not the plan is really leading
toward the stated objectives

301.  Asa manager of your home, your
regular job must be planning if
you find yourself over-engaged in
so-called “regular work”, then you
are indulging in non-managerial
work – doing tasks that should be
delegated to your subordinates.

302. SESSION SEVEN

303. COMMUNICATION
Aim
Tohelp counselees
understand the
importance of
communication in a
healthy marriage.

304.  To explore the patterns of
communication of each
counselees family and
how these may effect the
couple ‘s patterns of
communication

305.  To help the couple learn
and practice skills for
better communication in
marriage.

306. Note: Good
communication is one of
the most important factors
in a successful marriage.

307. Communication is any
process in which people
share information, ideas
and feelings.

308.  It
involves not only the spoken
and written word but also body
language personal mannerism
and style and anything that adds
meaning to a message. It is also
the process of transmitting and
receiving information.

309.  The word communication comes
from the Latin word “communis”
which means a shared understanding
in an idea or event. It is basic to
every human activity, indeed we can
not talk about life itself without
making basic assumption about
communication

310. It is a fundamental human
process and the tool that
makes human societies
functions properly. It’s also
verbal (things we can see and
touch) and verbal symbols
(things that can not be seen).

311. HOW TO BECOME AN
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATOR

312. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT THE
MESSAGE TO SAY
 What do you want to accomplish;
 To inform
 To sell
 Motivate,
 Discipline etc

313. KNOW TO WHOM YOU ARE SAYING
IT
 Relatethe message to the
intended “audience”. Their
interests, expectations, levels of
knowledge or understanding
should influence the content and
delivery of your message

314. MAKE THE MESSAGE SPECIFIC AND
COMPLETE
 All
necessary information a
receiver needs to fully understand
about the message should be
clearly stated in the
communication

315. USE THE RIGHT APPROACH OR
MEDIA
Isthe message to be
delivered orally or written?

316. GET THE OTHER PERSONS
ATTENTION
Make the message
interesting and deliver with
enthusiasm

317. KEEP YOUR VERBAL AND NON
VERBAL MESSAGES CONGRUENT
Face to face communication
involves both verbal and non
verbal messages. Communication
problems arise when the two
contradicts.

318. WATCH YOUR TIMING
Every message has a right
and wrong time Right time
will ensure favourable
attention or greatest
impact.

319. OWN YOUR MESSAGE
Believe in what you have
to say and express ideas
and feelings with
conviction

320. LISTENING AS A COMMUNICATION
SKILL
 Oddly enough listening is often
neglected in communication yet
listening is a key element in effective
communication.
 Good communicators are effective
listeners and effective listening
encourages inter personal relationship

321. It is estimated that most
people spend their
communication time as
follows:
45% Listening
30% Speaking

322. 16% reading
9% writing
Poor listening habits can
therefore be a great liability

323. BENEFIT OF EFFECTIVE LISTENING
 Good listening improves morale
 Effective
listening make better
communicators
 Effective listening saves time
 Effective listening avoids confusion

324. SOURCES OF POOR LISTENING
In attention
People who let their minds
wonder don’t hear the
entire message

325. Destructions and interferences
Noisy background
environmental factors eg
temperature of a room,
uncomfortable chairs,
offensive odours etc

326. EMOTIONAL STATES
Feeling upset
Angry
Hungry can all cost people
not to listen well

327. BIAS
 Pre-judging a speakers
appearance on the basis of cloth,
hair cut, skin, colour, stature, or
other such irrelevant variables can
negatively influence listening
ability.

328. POOR ATTITUDE
People with wrong
attitude feeling
superior or
opinionated turn to
black out incoming
messages

329. EXCESSIVE TALKING
Doing all the talking in a
conversation, hardly giving
the other person a chance
to speak

330. PRE-OCCUPATION
When people rub
themselves in their own
feelings, need, problems,
and activities they are
unlikely to listern to others.

331. BEING JUDGEMENTAL
People don’t listen well
when they pre judge,
evaluate or disapprove the
statement of others

332. HOW TO IMPROVE LISTENING
ABILITY
 Listen to ideas and central theme
 Listen with empathy
 Listen with objectivity
 Listen with correct attitude
 Listen to understand

333. NON VERBAL COMMUNICATIONS
This have to do with the
way we perceive and
respond to others as
against what we say
verbally

334. The fact is that the tone
and inflection of our
voices, are facial
expressions are body
position and gestures all
speak clearly

335.  Theimportance of the need to be
concious of non verbal
communication lies in the fact that
there is evidence to suggest that
only 7% of a message is
transmitted by words and 93% of a
message is non verbal therefore to
focus on words is to miss a huge
proportion of the communication.

336. CLUES TO NON-VERBAL
COMMUNICATION
 FACE: This is the most visible
indicator of our emotions and
feelings. With other hundred possible
expressions the face accurately
express our feelings, reactions,
towards others and provide feed back
on others comment.

337. Perhaps the part of the
face most likely to yield
information is the eyes

338. GESTURES
This can express ones
message or an entire
language. Note that deaf-
mutes converse using a
sign language or gestures.

339. The folding and unfolding
of arms crossing or
incrossing of legs, sitting
posture, upright , leaning,
forward or re-clining in a
chair can all speak.

340. POSTURE
The way we stand , sit ,
walk, recline or lie down
etc can express feeling
interest involvement or
tension

341. Posture can tell whether
one wishes to include or
exclude other people in
ones thought or
conversation or whether
one is open or close to
certain ideas.

342. It tells whether one is
warm towards certain
people or whether one
likes or dislike certain idea
or better still whether one
can become emotionally
involved.

343. BODY SHAPE
There are three general
body type
ECTOMORPHY (frail, thin,
and tall)

344. ENDOMORPHY (fat, round
and short)
MESOMORPHY (muscular,
athletic & tall)

345.  Peoplehave tended to stereotype
this physique E.g
 Ectomorphous people are seen as
tense, suspicious of others ,
nervous, pessimistic and quiet.

346. Endomorphous: people are
seen as talkative, old
fashioned, sympathetic,
weak dependent, and
trusting

347. Mesomorphous: people are
stereotype as handsome,
adventurous, mature, and
self reliant.

348. PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
 Physicalattractiveness is a factor in
non-verbal communication. Body
colour, Spell hair length and clothing
influence the quality and quantity of
communication that occur among
people. That is why in the marriage
setting one must keep his physical
attractiveness to his partner.

349. SPACE
Spatial relationship also
affect quantity and quality
communication among
people

350. Distant between people in
daily interruptions or
arrangement of furniture in
a home or office may
enhance or inhabit
understanding.

351. Space is often referred to
as territory which assume
certain ownership right
over an area without any
legal basis.

352. Examples of territory
This may include special chair
in the room or classroom or
even in the church pew.
Particular packing space
Some easy chair in the home

353. Generally any invation of
someone’s space or
territory is likely to be
treated with suspicion and
even arouse attack if
perceived as an aggression

354. TIME
 Although time is culturally
defined, certain aspect of it can
be a language saying something.
For example being on time, ahead
of time, or behind time
communicate certain meanings in
some societies.

355. Deadlines are a way of life
and people who don’t
place emphasis on the
clock can be viewed
skeptically.

356. The language of time is
very eloquent and can
evoke hostility or warmth
admiration.

357. VOICE
 Vocalqualities such as:
 PITCH
 ARTICULATION
 RESONANCE
 TEMPO etc produces certain
response from others

358.  Vocal characteristics such as:
 LAUGHING
 CRYING
 WHISPERING
 YAWNING
 SINGING etc also conveys meanings
which can provoke certain actions

359. SESSION EIGHT

360. THREATS OF THE
MARRIAGE

361.  Song of Solomon 2:15.
 This is handling the little foxes that will
ruin the marriage.

362.  SOME THREAT (FOXES) TO WATCH.
 INTRUDERS: (Friends, Best man,
maid of honor, old friends) etc.
 IN-LAWS : (Mother, Father, Sisters/
Brothers).
 DISTANT RELATIONS –

363.  PASTORS,GROUP LEADERS, CHURCH
ACTIVITIES
 FORMER RELATIONSHIPS: (Ex-Boy
friend, Ex-Girl friend, opposite friends
of the couple).
 ROUMOR MONGERING: (“Ear say”)
 WORK (OFFICE) – Business.

364. SESSION NINE
CONFLICT
RESOLUTION &
MANAGEMENT SKILLS

365.  1. Nations of conflict - Collision on
incompatible forces within a “life –
space”
 In marriage setting the relevant
“forces” could cover range eg.
Inherent in the “gender” factor
differences that is masculine/ famine
co-existence and implicit
psychological, emotional social
cultural dimensions.

366. Marriage being basically two
individuals interacting within the
limited confines of the bond
holding them together, for the
purpose of achieving a mutually
accepted GOAL, it become
almost inevitable that some
points of conflict can rise
between the two.

367. Most likely sources of
marital conflict may
include:- Respectable
family background

368.  - Personal values
- Role perception and
- Personal expectation

369. - Behaviors in terms of
upbringing of children
- Personal attitudes
towards money, in –laws
etc.

370.  - Inordinate pride on part of
either partner for example if
one to social origins or
financial status one feels
superior to the other, this
pride could develop into a
tendency to magnify the
perceived faults on the
-weaknesses of the other

371. - Problem of ambivalence that is
latent hostility and the love-hate
factor.
NEED FOR RESOLUTION MEASURES
 Any conflict is potentially destructive
at many different levels and degrees
of importance.

372. The problem becomes
even more serious when
one partner can gain only
at the expense of the
other.

373.  NB:This becomes a sum – zero game
in which there must be a loser. This
can be very precarious in a marriage
because any WIN-LOSE proposition is
band to generate conflict.
 Conflict generates perceptional error
and biased judgments; and if allowed
to reach the boiling point it will be
difficult to cool it off therefore.

374. It is much better
 * To foresee it
 * To read it off
 * Not to require
either partner to lose face

375. 6. OVERCOMING CONFLICT
Marriage partners must
understand that, combined; they
form one superior entity (Eccl.
4:9) for instance, if they have
some important task to do
together OR to face some
common crisis requiring their
combined effort.

376.  Ifa Win – Lose conflict leaves no room for
COMPROMISE or MERGER, then a
MERATOR may have to impose a
solution
( a family elder, respectable Minister, chief
etc)
 NB: Role of a MEDIATOR can be truly
depending on how he “performs” Either
the couple in conflict will see him as
practical, fair open – minded, impartial,
honest etc

378. SESSION TEN
TEMPERAMENTS

379.  Definition and origin
 Temperament is the unseen force
underlying human actions
 It’s the combination of the inborn
traits that subconsciously affect our
behavior. These traits which are
passed on by our genes are based on
hereditary factors which are arranged
at the time of our conception.

380.  At the time of our conception, we all
inherited basic genetic temperaments that
contains both our strengths and weaknesses
this temperament is called severally in the
Bible.
 the natural man
 the flesh
 the old man
 corruptible flesh

381.  Our temperament is the basic impulse of
our being that seeks to satisfy our want
 It is a person’s temperament that makes
him or her outgoing and “extrovertish” or
shy and “introvertish”.

382.  Similarly it is a temperament that makes
some people art or music enthusias whiles
others are sports or industry- minded.

383.  There are good musicians whose siblings
are tone deaf and there are great
footballers whose brothers will never
watch them play even if the stadium is
built in their home.

384.  1. TEMPERAMENT
 Is the combination of the traits we are
born with
 2. CHARACTER: It’s the real you.
 The Bible referred to it as the hidden
person.

385.  It is the result of your natural
temperament modified by childhood
training education, basic attitudes, beliefs,
principles and motivations.

386.  It is sometimes referred to as the soul of
the person (Mind + Emotions +Will =Soul)
 What you really are when there is no one
else around you.

387.  What you do when you have the freedom
to do what you want to do is an
expression of yourself.
 YOUR CHARACTER IS YOUR CIVILIZED
TEMPERAMENT

388.  3. PERSONALITY:
 The outward expression of one’s self,
which may or may not be the same as a
person’s character depending on how
genuine that person is.

389.  Many are acting a part today on the basics
of what they think they should be as a
person.
 YOUR PERSONALITY IS THE FACE YOU
SHOW TO OTHERS

390. THREE THINGS THAT CAN
AFFECT YOUR TEMPERAMENT
 1. TRIBE:
 2. GENDER
 Men and Women may have the same
temperaments but the extent of emotional
expressions may vary.

391. 3. BELIEFS
 Temperament traits whether controlled or
not is for a life time. The older you get
the softer it becomes.
 When you repent the Holy Spirit controlled
your weakness but does not change your
temperaments.

392. Two major temperaments are
Introverts and Extroverts.
The breakdown of the two
 Sanguine
 Choleric
 Melancholy
 Phlegmatic

393.  Temperament
 Extrovert Introvert

Sanguine Choleric Melancholy
Phlegmatic

394. EXTROVERTISH:
 -SANGUINE
 The warm, buoyant, lively and fun-loving
temperament.
 A sanguine is receptive by nature, and
external impressions easily find way to his
or her heart, where they readily cause an
out-burst of responds.

395.  A sanguine has an unusual capacity to
enjoy himself and usually passes on his or
her hearty out-going nature.

396.  When this person comes into a room of
people, s/he has the tendency to lift the
spirit of everyone presence by his/her
exuberant flow of conversation.

397.  This person is a thrilling story teller
because his/her warm, emotional nature
almost makes his/her relive the experience
in the very way of telling it.

398.  Sanguine never lacks friends, his/her
naive, spontaneous, genial nature opens
doors and hearts to him/her.

399.  The sanguine can genuinely feel the joy
and sorrow of the person s/he meets and
has the capacity to make that person feels
important as though the new
acquaintance were a very special friend,
which he or she is until he meets the next
person who then receives the same
attention.

400.  A sanguine always forgets resolutions,
appointments and obligations. S/He is
unstable. S/he is on the next exciting
adventure.

401.  He loves to be surrounded by friends and
has an endless repertoire of interesting
stories that he tells dramatically, making
him favourite with children as well as
adults and usually gaining admission at
the best parties or social gatherings.

402.  This person is never at lost of words,
though s/he often talks without thinking.

403.  This person is open and sincere which
however has a disarming effect on many
of his listeners, causing them to respond
to his/her mood.

404.  This person life styles make him/her the
envy of the more timid temperament type.

405. BIBLICAL EXAMPLE
 The Apostle Peter, anytime he appeared in
the Gospel he will be talking in the gospel,
He talked more than all the other apostles
put together.

406.  Everything he said in the gospel was wrong
except in his confession of Christ in Matthew
16:16. His sinful betrayer and easily repentance
with tears is typically sanguine. They always
feel bad for wrong doing after they get caught
but that is not the end of the story, he became
the strong resolute leader of the early Church.
In Acts of the Apostles, everything he said was
right because he was filled with the Holy Spirit.

407. SANGUINE BEST CAREER
 They are very charismatic
 They usually make excellent sales people.
They will even sell a refrigerator to
Eskimos.

408.  Actors, Entertainers and Preachers,
particularly Evangelist. They are
outstanding master of ceremonies, leaders
sometimes, Politicians

409.  In the area of helping people, they excel
as hospital workers, doctors, health
attendance and so on.

410.  Sanguine should choose carrier that allow
them to extensive exposure to people.
Their chief contribution to life lies in
making over people happy.

411. -CHOLERIC
 This is the hot, active, practical and
strong-willed temperament.
 This person is often self-sufficient and
very independent.

412.  This person turns to be decisive and
opinionated, finding it easy to make
decisions for himself as well as for others.

413.  This person thrives on activity; in fact, to
that person life is activity.

414.  This person does not need to be
stimulated by his environment. S/he
rather stimulates his/her environment with
his/her endless ideals, plans and
ambitions.

415.  This person has an endless activity for
s/he has a practical keen mind capable of
making sound, instant decisions or
planning worth while, long range projects.

416.  This person does vacillate under pressure
of what others think.
 S/he takes a definite stand on issues and
can often be found crusading against
social injustices or unhealthy situations.

417.  A choleric is not frightened by adversities,
they rather tend to encourage him or her.

418.  A choleric has a dogged determination and
often succeeds where others fail, not
because his/her plans are better than
others but because s/he is still pushing
ahead” after others have become
discourage and has quit.

419.  Most cholerics are born leaders, and
always land on his/her feet.

420.  The emotional nature of a choleric is the
least developed part of his temperament.

421.  S/he does not sympathize with others
easily or does s/he naturally show or
express compassion.

422.  He or she is often embarrassed or
disturbed by the tears of others.

423.  This person has little appreciation for fine
art; his/her primary interest is in the
utilitarian values of life.

424.  The choleric is so optimistic, really
anticipating failure.

425.  Love is not usually high on choleric priority
list.

426.  This person is quick to recognize
opportunities and equally as quick of
diagnosing the best way to make use of
them.

427.  Cholerics have well organized minds,
though detailed usually bored them.

428.  This person tends to look at the goal
toward which s/he is working without
seeing the potential pitfalls and obstacles
in the path – once s/he has started toward
a goal s/he may ran roughshod over
individuals that stand in his way.

429.  A choleric tends to be domineering and
bossy and does not hesitate to use people
to accomplish his/her ends. S/He is often
considered on opportunist.

430.  The choleric’s attitude of self-sufficiency
and willfulness make him difficult to
reached for Christ in adulthood. You need
to win them during their childhood.

431. CHOLERIC BEST CAREER
 Leadership careers, motivations and
productivity, provided they do not to
require too much attention to details and
analytical planning;

432.  Committee meeting and long range
planning bore the choleric.
 Surgeon, dentist, philosopher, inventors,
watch makers.

433.  Although not usually craftsmen they
supervise craftsmen. They usually enjoy
construction work, and if so productive
may usually end up being foremen or
project supervisors.

434.  This person is developer of nature, city
planning, gardening, etc.

435.  They are not good delegates they always
end up doing what they asked others to
do.

436. BIBLICAL EXAMPLE OF A CHOLERIC
 The Apostle Paul – He was the Prime
Persecutor of the early Church before he
was saved.

437.  He pushed himself relentlessly until he
had preached the gospel around the then
known world, who, but a choleric would
crawl under the rock pile and then the
next day walk miles to preach the gospel.

438.  When he was filled with the Spirit he
exhibited gentleness and compassion that
was contrary to his natural temperament.

439.  The Holy Spirit can control even choleric
who seems to find it hardest to realize
what Christ meant when he said without
me you can do nothing (Jn 15:5)

440.  There is no limit to what a Choleric can do
when he learns to walk in the Spirit and to
abide with Christ.

441. INTROVERTISH
 -MELANCHOLY
 It’s often referred to as black or dark
temperament. Actually this is the richest
of the temperament.

442.  Melancholic is an analytical self sacrificing,
gifted, perfectionist type, with a very
sensitive emotional nature.

443.  Even though an introvertish, this person’s
nature does not give him/her stable mood.

444.  This person is sometimes happy and
sometimes moody, during these times
s/he withdraws him/herself and can be
quiet antagonistic.

445.  This person is a very faithful friend but
does not make friends easily.

446.  This person will not push himself to meet
people but let people come to him/her.

447.  This type of person is the most
dependable among all the temperaments,
for his perfectionist tender care. Does not
permit him/her to be a shirker or let
others down.

448.  This person’s natural reticence to put him/
herself forward is not an indication that
he/she doesn’t like people.

449.  A melancholy does not only like others but
s/he also has a strong desire to be loved
by them. Since disappointing experiences
make him/her reluctant to take people at
face values. S/he is prone to be suspicious
when others seek him/her out or shower
him with attention.

450.  A melancholy usually finds greatest
meaning in life through personal
sacrifices.

451.  This person tends to be very thorough and
persistent in the pursuits of a chosen goal
and s/he is more than likely to accomplish
great good.

452.  As a general rule, no other temperament
has a higher or more creative or
imaginative mind than a melancholy and
no one else is as capable of such a high –
quality “perfect work.

453. MELANCHOLY BEST CARREER
 Composers, artists, musicians, inventors,
philosophers, theoreticians, theologians,
scientists and dedicated educators.

454.  One vocation that seems to attract the
melancholy surprisingly enough is acting
even though we tend to identify this
profession with extroverts.

455.  Once the stage is set, the Melancholy can
adopt another personality no matter how
much extroversion it requires, but as soon
as the play is over
 s/He reverts back to his own introvertish
personality.

456.  Almost any humanitarian vocation will
attract melancholy. Dr.

457.  No temperament has much natural
potential when energized by the Holy
Spirit as the Melancholy.

458. BIBLICAL EXAMPLE
 Many outstanding Bible characters had
strong melancholy temperament. All the
prophets were melancholies as well as
Solomon and John the apostle.

459.  Moses – a gifted introvert filled with self
doubt who eventually trusted God to make
him one of the greatest leaders in all
history

460.  Yet Moses never had victory over his
anger, which limited God’s use of his life
and resulted in him dying without entering
the promise land.

461. PHLEGMATIC
 They are said to have a body fluid that
produced a calm, cool, slow easy-going
well balanced temperament

462.  Life for phlegmatic is a happy, unexcited,
pleasant, experience in which he avoids as
much involvement as possible.

463.  They never seem to get ruffled, no matter
what the circumstances (disturb) upset.

464.  A phlegmatic has a very high boiling point
and seldom explodes in anger or laughter,
but keeps his/her emotions under control.

465.  This is the one temperament type that is
constant every time you see this person.

466.  This person is usually kind hearted and
sympathetic but seldom conveys his/her
true feeling (not often)

467.  This person feels more emotions than it
appears on the surface and has a good
capacity to appreciate fine art and the fine
things of life.

468.  This person does not lack friends because
s/he enjoys people and have a natural dry
sense of humor that others enjoy.

469.  Phlegmatic has a retentive mind and is a
good imitator.

470.  A phlegmatic usually delights in watching
the other temperament S/he desires the
plans and ambition of the choleric.

471.  This person turns to be spectator in life
even though s/he is very good.

472.  A phlegmatic does not try get too involved
with the activities of others. In fact it is
difficult for him or her to be motivated to
move beyond his or her daily routine.

473.  This person is merciful but is not
sympathetic

474.  When one aroused to actions s/he proves
to be most competent and efficient.

475.  This person tends not to take leadership
on his or her own but when it is entrusted
upon him or her, s/he can be a good
leader.

476.  Secretly phlegmatic aspires for promotion
but s/he will wait and wait until everything
is in mess before s/he assume the
responsibility only after its forced on
him/her.

477.  This person is a good delayer, s/he will
like to wait and wait until s/he is
encouraged

478.  They are very good peace makers in the
world.

479.  This person does not usually take risk,
s/he can stay in a bad job for years
without complain even though s/he knows
s/he is being cheated.

480.  This person does not take risk, s/he can
stay in a company for years through out
his or her entire life.

481. PHLEGMATIC BEST CAREER:
 They seem to draw to the field of
education.

482.  Most elementary teachers are phlegmatic
in temperament.

483.  Sanguine – will tell stories all day.

484.  Melancholy criticizes them and they will be
afraid to read allowed

485.  The students who will leap at the wonders
are choleric.

486.  It takes the gentle phlegmatic to assume
the ideal atmosphere for such learning in
seconds. They are good at physics,
grammar literature and languages.

487.  Engineering, sanitation expects chemical
engineers, draught men mechanical or
civil engineers. They are so good
merchants crafts men, carpenters
electricians, watch and camera repairers.

488.  They don’t take risk; they can stay in a
company for years through out their entire
life.

489. BIBLICAL EXAMPLE
 Abraham
 Abraham fear, worry

490.  More space was allocated to Abraham in
New Testaments than any other character
in the Old Testaments.

491. SESSION ELEVEN
THE FAMILY
(IN LAWS)

492. THE FAMILY
(IN LAWS)

493. Family may be defined
as a group of people
linked together either
by blood, marriage or
adoption.

494. INLAWS are the the relatives
and family members of your
spouse

495. Mother in-laws – 2
Father in-laws - 2
Brothers and Sisters
Other in-laws (Extended families)

496. WHAT ARE THEIR ROLES
 Consultants on certain issues eg. Baby
seating
interventions on bereavements.
Spokes persons for the respective families.
Intermediaries in settlement of conflicts.
Absorption of mates in the case of death.
Paying of dues during bereavements. Ect.

497.  HOW TO LIVE WITH THEM
 (a).
set boundaries for your in laws
and always remind them of those
boundaries
 (b).channel your grievances
through the line of authority stated
in the bible. (Mat. 18: 15 – 20)

498. (c).don’t discuss your spouse
with your in laws during his
absence.
(d). try as much as you can to
protect each other so that a
third party will not distract you.

499. (e).don’t try please all of
your in laws: this is not
possible. Avoid hypocrisy
and be yourself.

500. SESSION TWELVE
PARENTING

501.  DEFINITION:
 Responsibilities of the man (husband
 Responsibilities of the woman (wife)
 Challenges of parenting today.

502. PARENTING
Is a process of caring for
your child or children. It is
the skill and responsibility
of being a parent.

503. Parenting involves
Nurturing and teaching
of the child.

504. Nurturing means to care
for and protect something
while they are growing and
developing. It also means
to help something develop
and be successful.

505. Nurturing is bringing up
something the way you
want it to be or prefer. It is
to take great care of
something.

506.  TEACHING is to lead someone to
understand or do something
(leadership by example)
 It
also means to impact skills or
knowledge to someone through
explanation and guidance.

507. THE NEED FOR PROPER PARENTING
 Anything that is not train
is “caricature.” Children
training is a command
from God (Prov.22:6).

508.  It is profitable to train our
children especially the
adolescence (investment)

509.  It is easier to train
adolescence than when
they grow.
 Handle them with prayer.

510. Use constructive words and
not destructive words when
you are talking to them. Bless
them with your mouth. Don’t
punish them for things they
haven’t done. Our words are
important as parents

511. SESSION THIRTEEN
FAMILY PLANNING

512.  DEFINITION:
 This is n attempt, to first of all, space
child birth and to limit the number of
children by the couple either through a
natural or chemical means.
 The consent of both parents is very
important.

513.  WHY FAMILY PLANNING?
 Spacing: this is creating a space between
births. Spacing has health implications on
the mother. It will enable the mother to
get adequate rest after birth.

514.  Medically, the woman is supposed to stay
for about two to three years for her body
to be ready for the next child.

515.  (ii). limit: planning to have the number of
children you can cater for. Financially,
planning for a limited or sizable family is
very helpful. It helps the couple to give
adequate care for their children. This
includes quality child education and
training.

516.  NOTIONS
 A lot of people are against the family
planning methods and not the concept.

517.  (a). The background of the individual
couples.
 If couples are from homes where they
have more children they may want to
have more children. Therefore family
planning may not be necessary for them.

518.  (b).The religious background of the
individuals.
 If the individual belong to a faith that
does not agree with family planning
concepts, there is the likelihood that they
may not accept family planning in their
marriage. Therefore by virtue of religion
or believe some people may be against
family planning.

519.  (c). the educational background of the
individuals.
 An educated woman would not want
to have more than five children, looking at
the current economic situation of the
country.

520.  Sometimes too people may want to
reduce the number of their children
because they want to do further studies or
to take on a newer adventure in life.

521. (d). the occupation of individuals.
 Some people’s job or work can influence
the number of children they may want to
have.

522. Family Planning Methods.
 Having the kind of life you want depends
on choices you make. One of the most
important choices is to have children.

523.  Modern family planning methods are easy
to use, safe and effective. Using modern
family planning methods allows you to
wait to have children when you are ready,
space your children over the years and
have the number that you desire. This
way, your decisions about childbearing will
help you to achieve your goals in life and
make a better life for your family.

524.  Some users experience minor discomforts called
side effects, when they first start using a
method. If a side effect occurs, it is important to
know that it is temporary and will go away once
the body adjusts to the method after a short
while. The benefits of avoiding unwanted
pregnancy far outweigh the temporary
discomfort. If you do have concerns about your
family planning method, always feel free to
return to your health provider for advice.

525.  For many years people have depended on
safe and effective methods for preventing
unplanned pregnancy to achieve their
personal, professional and social goals in
life. You can make a good choice today by
choosing a method that is best for you. It
is your life. It is your choice.

526.  Natural
 This is where the couple observed critically
the menstrual circle of the woman and
then abstain from sex when the woman is
suppose to be in her ovulation until the
period is over and then they go back to
normal sexual life

527. INVENTED METHODS
 THE PILL
 The Pill is a small tablet that a woman
takes everyday to prevent pregnancy. It is
most effective when taken about the same
time everyday. When a woman stops
taking the Pill, she will become pregnant.

528.  THE INJECTABLE
 The Injectable is a family planning
injection given to a woman at regular
intervals by trained health provider. The
three commonly used injectables are:
Depo-Provera given every three months,
Noristerat given every two months and
Norigynon given monthly.

529.  Women who use Depo-Provera and
Noristerat are likely to experience irregular
bleeding whereas women on Norigynon
have regular monthly periods. A woman
will become pregnant after she stops
taking any of these injections.

530.  NORPLANT IMPLANTS
 This is a set of six small capsules put
under the skin of the woman’s upper arm
by a doctor or a nurse. These capsules
can prevent pregnancy for five years. The
capsule must be removed or replaced
after five years, when they cease to be
effective. They can be removed earlier if
the woman desires to become pregnant.