This document provides a 12-step guide for women to communicate powerfully without being perceived as a "bitch". It discusses how evolution shaped different behaviors in men and women. To avoid being seen as a bulldozer or doormat, the guide recommends women identify their blind spots, use confident body language, speak assertively without filler words or hedging, learn to interrupt politely, dump passive-aggressive behaviors, exude confidence, and promote themselves. The overall message is that with self-awareness and practice, women can communicate effectively in a professional setting.

1. COMMUNICATE
POWERFULLY
Without Being A BITCH
A Guide For Women
by
Michelle Villalobos
(vee - ya - low - bos)
1

2. A brief trip back in time...
why men & women are the way we are
2

3. Survival
Of The
Fittest:
Evolution
wasn’t about
competing
against v
v
nature, it was v v v
about
competing
against each
other
3

4. 4

5. Competition
Caveman (& cavewoman) Style
5

6. Specialization of duties
meant men and women
evolved differently.
6

7. men evolved to
compete phsycially
and aggressively....
7

8. women, being
less expendable,
evolved forms of non-
violent competition
8

9. And now, millions of years later,
men and women have different
“stereotypical” behaviors
9

10. “male” “female”
decisive nurturing
commanding communicating
controlling reconciling
. .
. .
. .
10

11. The training starts early...
11

12. Socialization, AKA:
“Now, now, girls, play nice...”
12

13. 13

14. Woman
Humility
Modesty
Shyness
And it only Constraint
Coyness |Demureness
gets worse. Meekness | Unpretentious
These are some Diffidence | Humbleness
Inhibition | Innocence
words people Reserve | Quietness
Purity | Timidity
associate with Self-effacing
Quiet
“woman” Bashfulness
Sweet
Helpful Gentle
Nice Caring
Kind Calm
14

15. Woman
Humility
Modesty
Unfortunately, Shyness
Constraint
they’re not Coyness |Demureness
Meekness | Unpretentious
the words Diffidence | Humbleness
associated Inhibition | Innocence
Reserve | Quietness
with “mogul,” Purity | Timidity
Self-effacing
“success” or Quiet
“ambition” Bashfulness
Sweet
Helpful Gentle
Nice Caring
Kind Calm
15

16. v s. Woman
Humility
Modesty
Shyness
Constraint
Coyness |Demureness
Meekness | Unpretentious
Diffidence | Humbleness
Inhibition | Innocence
Reserve | Quietness
Purity | Timidity
Self-effacing
Quiet
Bashfulness
Sweet
Helpful Gentle
Nice Caring
Kind Calm
16

17. What’s an ambitious woman to do?
17

18. Fact:
“Women who adopt a
masculine, ‘alpha-
female’ approach in the
office earn more [and
get promoted more] than
than their more passive
female colleagues.”
– Businessweek, July 2010
18

19. Problem is, then we get labeled “BITCH.”
Yuck.
19

20. It’s like we’re a balancing act between
being a buldozer or a doormat.
20

21. Then there’s
that magical
place right in
“assertive” between... the
one everyone
calls
“ASSERTIVE.”
What is
“assertive?”
21

22. It’s hard to define, that’s for sure.
And even harder to BE.
22

23. “assertive”
•Don’t always win, but handles •Decisive & action-oriented
situations effectively •Consistent
•Is an “Active Listener” •Uses direct eye contact
•States expectations •Has a varied rate of speech
•Sets boundaries •Uses “I prefer” or “I’d rather”
•Considers others feelings •Asks: “What are my options?”
•States observations without “What are the alternatives?”
labels or judgments •Negotiates, bargains, trades off,
•Expresses self directly, compromises
honestly, and quickly about •Confronts problems as they
issues & wants arise
•Confident, trusts self and •Doesn’t bottle up negative
others feelings
•Open, flexible, versatile •Feels well-understood
23

24. 12 steps to striking the balance...
Between buldozer and doormat,
between bimbo and bitch,
between psycho and successful.
24

25. #1. Identify blind spots. Be self-aware.
25

26. Are you a bulldozer or doormat?
26

27. - people won’t disagree with you
- (or) you get into lots of arguments
- people often leave you angry or upset
- you raise your voice a lot
- they act passive around you
- you speak loud and fast
- you interrupt
- you are impolite
- you often hear that you’re rude
- you are intimidating
27

28. - you don’t share your thoughts/needs
- you feel resentful
- you’re not getting what you deserve
- you’re overly polite
- you apologize a lot
- you back down from debates
- you avoid conflict at all costs
- people take advantage of you
- you can’t say no
28

29. #2. Body language & image
29

30. Scientists estimate that a majority of
our conclusions about a person are
drawn from non-verbal cues!
30

31. Look at the women and the men’s
headshots. What do you notice?
31

32. what do you
notice?
32

33. 33

34. Let me make it a little clearer. Now?
34

35. 35

36. How about this?
36

37. 37

38. 38

39. 39

40. 40

41. 41

42. 1
42

43. The classic “head tilt” and the coy stare
say “I don’t know,” “I’m a little girl” or
“I’m sexy” – not good if you’re an
ambitious, professional woman.
43

44. Here are some alternatives that work.
44

45. 45

46. 2
46

47. And one that doesn’t.
47

48. 1
48

49. Here are some quick tips about the
elements of good body language...
49

50. Body Language
• Eye contact
• Body language
social is the new • Clothes
• Neatness
business • Expression
• Attitude
• “Props”
• Greeting/handshake
• Striking up rapport
5
Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830
50

51. And what to watch out for.
51

52. • Unequal distribution of eye
contact
social is the new •
•
Arms/hands/fidgeting
Unhappy/angry “resting
business
•
face”
Smile-talking (it feels fake)
• Personal space / proximity
• Leaning in
• Other people around you
5
Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830
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53. Most people don’t make
enough eye contact.
(And if you’re fiddling with your BBerry, that’s one reason why -
I know that’s kind of a tangent, but I had to get that out there).
53

54. 1
Eye contact is the most
basic form of human
interaction... even
newborns do it
54

55. 1
Does your
body language
say “I’m too
busy for you”?
That’s one
surefire way to
turn people
off...
55

56. 1
56

57. How’s your handshake?
Handshakes establish equality
between two people.
57

58. In a proper handshake – for men and
women – the web of the hand touch.
58

59. No limp handshakes, please...
59

60. And while we’re at it, no dainty
“fingertip” handshakes either.
60

61. 61

62. # 4.
what you say
& how you
say it
62

63. do you ask for
permission to
speak up?
Can I ask a question?
I just want to add one thing
Would you mind if I said
something?
I have an idea I’d like to
share, if you don’t mind
May I add something?
63

64. Do you start your sentences with “I” –
as in, “I think that” or “I feel that...”?
64

65. blames you for issues childish
that aren’t yours
often leads to
“psychobabble”
(i.e., “feel,”
“think,”
“believe”)
“I” not effective
leadership (it’s
not about you)
takes focus off the facts
* How To Say It For Women
Phyllis Mindell, Ed.D.
65

66. “blah, blah, blah...”
“Be in the moment...
“present...” “The Secret...”
“The Law of Attraction”
“psychobabble”
rambling & “I feeeeel...”
nervous chatter
and... and... and...
“I’m suuuuch an Aquarius (giggle)”
66

67. (k)notty words
can not
could not
should not
do not
would not
rephrase with
what you DO want
or WILL do
67

68. verbal filler
instead of: try:
“um” ...pausing
“you know” ...rhetorical question
“ahhh” ...dramatic pause
“like” ...drop altogether
68

69. only While you’re
just at it, lose the
you know “hedging”
really language too.
in my opinion
sort of
kind of
apparently
I’m not an expert, but
I may not be qualified, but
but
maybe
I guess
69

70. strong words vs.
weak words
70

71. “to be”
___ I lead
I am (was, will be...) ___________
__ the leader of a team
I am
You o sversee
You are (were, will be) You ____ _________ sale
__ are responsible for sales
__ We manage
We are (were, will be) __
We are the _____
_____managers of...
They helped
They are (were, will be) ____
They were helping the __
_________kids...
71

72. effective action verbs...
Achieve Fulfill Maximized Rank
Advance Forecast Mediated Update
Conduct Generate Motivate Redesign Target
Consult Gain Negotiate Reengineer Teach/
Commit Gather Obtain Reorganize Taught
Coordinate Head Operate Represent Test
Develop Host Organize Restructure Train
Deliver Identify Originate Revise Transform
Design Implement Oversee Safeguard Transcend
Define Improve Participate Secure Unify
Devote Improvise Perform Specify Upgrade
Earn Influence Pioneer Spearhead Utilize
Enhance Launch Plan Standardize Validate
Evaluate Lead Prepare Strengthen Value
Examine Lobby Present Structure Write
Extend Maintain Promote Suggest
Facilitate Manage Publish Supersede
Formulate Marketed Pursue Supervise
72

73. volume, tone,
tempo & inflection
73

74. which is preferable?
lower higher
slower vs faster
louder softer
74

75. #5. Learn to say “shut up”
(politely)
75

76. Learn to say “shut up” (politely)
Excuse me
Please allow me to finish...
I’m not finished
I’m not quite finished...
Please hold any comments until I’m done
Please hold your questions until the end
Just a moment...
Interruptions break my train of thought,
please allow me to finish... *Phyllis Mindel, PhD
How To Say It For Women
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77. #7. practice saying
77

78. #8.
Dump the
sarcasm and
other passive-
aggressive
behavior, it’s
juvenile and
ineffective.
78

79. 79

80. “Thanks for doing “Everything is great. Just
such a great job. perfect.”
Really, thanks.
“It’s not like you do anything anyways
“Whatever you say.”
80

81. • be solution-oriented
• address sarcasm straight-up
“was that meant sarcastically?”
• ask for alternate behavior
• use active listening to uncover
the real issue (ask!)
• talk about that (honestly)
81

82. #10.
exude
confidence
82

83. 83

84. How do you
respond to
compliments?
84

85. #11. promote yourself
“Unwritten Rules: What You Don’t Know Can Hurt Your Career” © 2008 by CATALYST
85

86. 1
Like it or not, we all have a personal brand.
Purposeful or accidental, decided by you, or
decided by the people around you...
86

87. View more at: www.MichelleVillalobos.com
Copyright Michelle Villalobos, Mivista Consulting, Inc. 2009. All Rights Reserved.
To Reprint, Distribute or Repurpose, visit www.MivistaConsulting.com and click “Contact Us”.
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