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5. ZORCH has made a few changes in this issue, but
don’t worry. You will still enjoy the fantastic
photography, satire, pretty girls, great art work,
unbelievable stories, pretty girls, mistakes, and
other things you have come to love and enjoy. ZORCH
will continue to offer the most honest, insightful,
and entertaining coverage of the Central Valley.
What then are the changes? ZORCH has finally
numbered the pages correctly! It was difficult to
make this change, but we did it anyway. No creative
endeavor succeeds over the long run by remaining
static. ZORCH is not, or will ever be, static.
Dear ZORCH: I’ve never won a thing in my life until I
found all seven mistakes in your May issue and you
sent me that box full of ZORCH things. I love the
coffee cup, but the ZORCH University sweatshirt and
student body card just made me quiver. I’ve always
wanted to go to a university and am now a proud
member of a great student body. Thanks again. My
boyfriend, Bob, wanted to know, did the picture of
me in a bikini have anything to do with me winning?
Gina, Merced
ZORCH: Gina, of course not!
Dear ZORCH: ZORCH looks like a newspaper, but you
yourself call it a magazine. Why?
George Samson, Modesto
ZORCH: George, ZORCH never prints any news so
we can’t call ZORCH a newspaper. We call ZORCH a
magazine because it has lots of pretty girls in it.
Sad Story: Adrienne Bankert has left Channel
Three, ‘Where the news comes first’ in Sacramento.
Adrienne is now gigging at Channel II in Dallas,
Fort Worth. First Gary Gerald leaves Channel Three
and now Adrienne.
Good Story: The MAMA Awards will return this year
to the State on Tuesday, October 23. Last year, the
prestigious awards were held at The Doubletree.
The Doubletree is nice, but the State Theatre is
really Modesto.
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6. 1
Wolfman
Jack Day
2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Larry Grebil’s Skyscraper Newspaper Cheese Pizza
Day
Read A Neither Pardon
Day
Birthday Carrier Day Day Book Day Rain nor
Snow Day
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
Teddy Bear Swap Chocolate Fortune Cream-Filled Make
Day IdeasDay Make Your Milkshake Cookie Donut Day A Hat
Bed Day Day Day Day
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
Collect Rock Apple Cheeseburger Butterschoth Banta Inn Miniature Elephant
Day Dumpling Day Pudding Day Golf Day Appreciation
Day Day Day
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Dog In Cherries Comic Book Johnny Crush A Ask A Stupid Confucius
Politics Day Jubilee Day Day Appleseed Can Day Question Day Day
Day
30 American Chevrolet
Mud Pack 4742 McHenry Ave. Modesto,
Day 209.575.1606
www.americanchevrolet.com
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8. Orson
CEO STAFF Set Designer
Visual Effects
Who Doo
Cinematography
Amazing Ralph Mongo Jerry
Audio Specialist Casting
Editorial Creative Director
Dorrie Hunkie Nicely-Nicely
Bill Slayter Stunts
Spiritual Adviser
Guitar George Stedman
Carol S Benson Narration
Special Projects Buzzy
Eddie Wilson Costume Designer
Research Director
Assistant to the President Cannon Ball
Jimmy Changa Catering
Louie Yamaguchi Music Director Sweeney Todd
Senior Account Manager Bad Billy Pratt Boom Operator
Sky King Associate Editor Suitcase Samson
Mrs. Robinson Voice Over
Alfonso Bedoya
Hall Monitor
Big Fat Herb Miss Evelin Off Stage Announcer
Design Director Informant Victor Laszlo
John H Holliday Eleanor Rigsby Drummer
Program Director Parkey Sharkey
Music Director
Uncle Jesse Digger O’Dell Substitute’s Substitute
Bob DiPierto
Systems Administrator
True Freshmen Audio Specialist
Ted Mills Mister Peepers Butterball
Concierge Civilian
Person of Interest Pat Kelley Jenny 867-5309
Charile Chan Friend Translater
Landscape Maintenance Engineer Cisco Kid Uncle Albert
Happy Gilmore Relief Pitcher
Rufus Caldonia
Rest Room Attendant
Louie Louie
Usher
Bouncer
Mello Roos Uncle Albert
Produce Manager
Reb Roan
FREE AGENT
MC Extra
Harry Longabaugh Boogie Man Marko the Mailman
1st Round Pick Athletic Director Teacher
Inspector Gadget King Kong Kerr Mr Jasmaggi
PO Box 577893 - Modesto, CA 95355
And remember: ZORCH IS THE WORD! (209) 569-1218

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12. Delta exploration starts at Windmill Cove
By Capt Ron Posey
My first experiences in nautical navigation were on the waters of the great San Joaquin Delta. Back in the mid to
late 60’s, I worked as a member of a design engineering team with the Department of Water Resources. It was
during that time that I had the opportunity to explore the one-thousand miles of inland waterways that make up
what we simple call today, “The Delta”. It was during those days, under the guise of a daily work routine, that I
explored every cove and cranny; stream and slough; bay and deep water passage of the Delta.
Deep within the walls of the Delta levees...it’s a totally different world...you lose all since that you’re piloting
the waterways amidst the vast agricultural plots of asparagus, corn, safflower, alfalfa, wheat, and wine grapes.
Crops that are being grown in the richest of rich soils, peat dirt....dirt that is so organic, if you start a fire on the
peat it could burn deep and smolder for months. For the most part the land is below sea-level...8 to 16 feet below
sea-level. Cruising on the Delta waterways, there’s another richness to experience...one of incredible ports-of-
call, each one with a history to share. From little marinas to very expansive marinas with gated communities and
with them come the bars, restaurants, resorts, and points of interest.
Historic artifacts can be found throughout the Delta, sometimes in the form of old riverboats, old loading dock
pilings, plus many old stories of the early Delta days that stretch all the way back to the 1870’s when the first
levees were built in a effort to reclaim the first of 140 acres of submerged land.
One such place of historic value that has gone through many metamorphoses is Windmill Cove. A great
advantage of this Delta watering hole is that it is also easily reached by car or boat. Perched atop the south
levee of the Stockton deep-water channel, the two story structure features a large bar and grill on the top floor
which allows an unobstructed view of the adjacent waterway that is packed on the weekends with jet-skis, wave
runners, ski boats, high speed tunnel boats and of course the hundreds of bathing suit clad sun worshipers.
On our mid-week visit, we were encouraged to try the famous Windmill Burger which consisted of two thick
and juicy 1/3 pound beef patties, bacon, onion rings, and BBQ sauce...served with fries and a cold beer, it
was enough to induce an afternoon nap in a vacant lounge chair on the grassy picnic area. Fish & Chips is
another popular favorite as are the Windmill Club Sandwich, Patty Melt, Ribeye Steak and Philly Cheese Steak
sandwiches.
All during the summer months Tuesday is a day to experience...its Taco Tuesday. (I think Taco Tuesday is
featured everywhere on the Delta...sort of a Delta tradition.) It’s all you can eat tacos! Starting at 4pm and usually
running to around 10pm, the $8 per person feast features soft or hard shell tacos filled with ground beef and
finished off at a taco bar with all the fixing’s. Beer and Mai Tai’s are the usual drinks of choice and the deck is
full of taco munching patrons that are mixing and enjoying the DJ or live music.
So what’s the big deal? Some say it’s the Tacos, others say is the weekly party where you can count on meeting
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13. some new interesting friends. Windmill Cove has it all...camping, cabins, marina, RV Park, private beach, lagoon
with easy access by land or water. If you are cruising on the Delta, Windmill Cove is between Marker 34 & 36...
that would be the Red Triangle/Red Light markers on the south side of the deep water channel. By land, take
Highway 4 west of Stockton 6 miles to Inland Drive, right on Inland straight to McDonald, right on Holt and right
on Windmill Cove Road. Don’t overdress...you’ll standout like a wet muskrat.
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18. Teddy Ballgame
The day dawned glorious. Why shouldn’t it? Even though there was fog on them thar
hills, I was headed to AT&T Park for a Saturday day game featuring the Giants and Reds.
The BART ride was great, but I suggest you skip the Muni ride and walk to the park from the
Embarcadero. Walk along the waterfront from the Ferry Building, under the Bay Bridge to
Giant’s land; all that is well worth the effort.
It was bobble head day and the orange and black line of people stretched all the way out to
Townsend. It wasn’t even 10:00am and the game didn’t start until 1:00pm.
Once inside the park most people headed for the Doggie Diner concessions for a Sheboygan
sausage. This came highly recommended by the natives, but I was saving room for later.
After the game I was lead on a peerless gastronomic tour of North Beach. We began at
Caffee Puccini on Columbus. Owner, Graziano Lucchesi started us with wild bison ceveche,
followed by Italian sausage and fresh morel mushrooms on penne pasta.
We pressed on to Café Maria on Pine for a libation. Next, off to Brindi’s to meet Pino,
the second most interesting man in the world. I had a fresh spinach salad with mozzarella,
tomatoes and asparagus with absolutely the best pesto sauce I have ever tasted.
We finished with tiramisu at the Café Pizzia. It was a great way to the end the best time
I have ever had at a Giants game, which they lost. Off to BART to make my way home.
Anyone need an unused Muni ticket?
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19. CLASSIFIEDS
Bonanza Books & Comics
2308 McHenry Ave.
Modesto
www.bonanzabooks.net
Open Monday – Saturday, 10a.m.-6p.m.
THE BARBER SHOP
1132 N. CARPENTER ROAD
MODESTO
TRADITIONAL FULL SERVICE BARBER SHOP
OPEN TUES-SAT
9AM-5:30PM
MODESTO SOUND
CONVERT YOUR RECORDS AND CASSETTE
TAPES TO CD! DIGITAL REMASTERING WITH
PRESTIGIOUS SONNOX RESTORE (A SUITE
OF THREE PLUG-INS-OXFORD DeCLICKER,
OXFORD DeBUZZER AND OXFORD DeNOIS-
ER-DESIGNED TO ACCURATELY RESTORE
AUDIO RECORDINGS) AT MODESTSOUND,
CALL 573-0533 FOR MORE INFORMATION.
MODESTO SOUND AT GREGORIA HIGH
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21. Giant Orange Stands
Long before there were McDonalds, Burger Kings, and Taco Bells, there were ‘Giant Orange’ stands up
and down the valley from Bakersfield to Redding to San Jose. The chain was the brainchild of Bay Area’s,
Frank Pohl of Menlo Park. Frank’s first venture into the restaurant business was a lemonade stand in Menlo
Park shaped as a big lemon. Another one followed in Menlo Park and then Frank moved to Tracy where,
in 1926, he opened his first Giant Orange on 11th Street where he served fresh orange juice, lemonade,
grapefruit juice and cold keg beer. At that time, Highway 50 passed right through Tracy on 11th Street and
Frank had what you call, location, location and location. With success, Frank built another one on the corner
of Grant Line and Highway 50 near Banta.
As business was good, he franchised the Giant Orange name and midway through the 30’s there were Giant
Oranges everywhere linking Highway 99 and 50. One of the main reasons for the success of the Giant
Orange was that travel was becoming a popular pastime for many people and they needed somewhere to stop
for some refreshments.
In the 50’s, business declined as highways were converted to freeways making it more difficult to pull over
for a glass of orange juice. Also, air conditioning had been introduced in cars and travelers weren’t as thirsty.
Sadly enough, the Giant Orange stands started disappearing.
To date, I only know one restaurant shaped like a giant orange that is open; it’s in San Jose at 38 S.
Capitol Avenue and it’s called, Mark’s Hot Dogs. Originally located in downtown San Jose, it was first moved
to Alum Rock Blvd. and more recently to Capitol Avenue. Mark’s Hot Dogs are great, but they don’t serve
any orange juice. Gone, but not forgotten, are the old school roadside diners; the Giant Orange stands.
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22. With the economy being in the shape it’s in, we find ourselves looking ever closer to
home for activities that used to take us out of our area We’re looking for quality and value
and when it comes to golf, Emerald Lakes Golf Course offers just that. If you have never
had the opportunity to play there I know that you have more than likely seen it as you travel
north on Highway 99 on your right just as you are entering the city of Elk Grove.
The golf course itself has been there for over twenty years and I know it sounds hokey
but you will use every club in the bag. It is nine holes of well thought out golf course archi-
tecture that is challenging enough for the skilled player and easy enough for a beginner. It is
Elk Grove’s only public golf course and was purchased by the Consumnes Community Services
District in July of 2006. PGA Professional, Matt Holm became the course’s General Manager
in July of 2007. I recently took advantage of an invitation to play the course with Matt. I
looked forward to that Friday morning with excitement. What I discovered that day as we
played was a golf course that is pleasing to the eye, fun to play, and greens that are amaz-
ing. “I’ll put our greens up against anyone’s in the region,” Matt told me and I have to agree.
Matt also explained to me the improvements in design and maintenance that have taken
place over the years. He credits the care of these undulating, firm and challenging greens to
course Superintendent, Gilbert Urbano whom I also met that day. They both were quick to
point out to me recent upgrades around the eighth hole that definitely add to the appeal of
the entire course. Urbano and his crew laid down about one and one half acres of sod com-
bined with some wood chips then cut a creek bed from the course’s north pond and the mid-
dle pond to run along the hole. Tongue in cheek, Matt said, “I’ve always said to take the ugli-
est part of your golf course and do something with it to make it look beautiful, and we have.”
I can readily agree that they accomplished that mission. In fact, it is hole number eight that
you first see from Highway 99 so Matt naturally wanted that to be something nice to look at.
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23. Golf course amenities include a snack bar, so you can fill up before or after a round and
a covered outdoor patio that holds up to 80, complete with a barbeque that can be fired
up for special events. Last month about 15 or 16 charities held events there. Add a well-
stocked pro shop, a lighted driving range with 24,000 new range ball recently purchased,
and you’ve got Emerald Lakes Golf Course.
For more information check out www.golfemeraldlakes.com
Pat Kelley is a writer and a broadcaster and host of The Golf Guys Radio Show heard every
Saturday morning on AM 970 ESPN Radio
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31. Exciting Prospects for Both The Giants and A’s
It has been since 2004 that both the San Francisco Giants and the Oakland A’s have been relevant.
Ultimately, neither squad made the playoffs, but playoff fever was at a high pitch in Northern Cali-
fornia. In 2004, the Giants finished in second place two games behind the Dodgers and the A’s
finished just a game behind the Angels. Both squads also just missed out on the Wild Card.
Earlier in the year I wrote that the Giants have just as good a shot to win the West as anyone. The
Giants are on pace to win that division. Their pitching has been incredible even with Lincecum
struggling and the injury to Brian Wilson. It is the offense that has been the difference. They are
still near the bottom in team batting, but at least this year, there is a heartbeat. A healthy Buster
Posey has made a difference. At press time, he is on a tear. Melky Cabrera has been a pleasant
surprise as he has rededicated himself to the game, and it shows. The Giants will move on.
However, my words for the A’s were not as complimentary. The last two years the A’s were atro-
cious to watch. As an A’s fan, I was simply frustrated. The top players would be dealt for pros-
pects and the beat went on. My sons knew that we were not allowed to purchase an A’s jersey.
Oakland GM Billy Beane, once known for his shrewd moves as documented by his book and eventu-
al movie “Moneyball,” was losing his luster. I protested the viewing of the movie Moneyball for this
reason. Why should Beane be propped up as a martyr? What have you done for us lately? As the
old adage goes, even a blind squirrel will find a nut and that squirrel has stocked up. The signing
of Yoenis Cespedes was brilliant. Cespedes’ contract might have been the best ever conjured up by
Beane. Trading away Gio Gonzalez, Trevor Cahill, and Andrew Bailey irked fans once again. Yet,
the players the A’s got in return have paid dividends. Gonzalez has been magnificent for the Na-
tionals, but the A’s did get in return Tommy Milone and the new starting catcher, Derek Norris who
actually has some pop in his bat along with a potential starter in Brad Peacock. Cahill was shipped
to Arizona and in return, the A’s received uber-stud starter Jarrod Parker as well as Ryan Cook, the
new closer who went to the All-Star game. Cahill has been ordinary with the Diamondbacks. An-
drew Bailey was shipped off to the Red Sox as well as Ryan Sweeney and the A’s received among
others, Josh Reddick. Reddick only leads the A’s in home runs with 22. Bailey has not seen the
field yet in 2012 with an injury.
The A’s lead the American league in team E.R.A, and that is without the aforementioned Cahill,
Gonzalez, Bailey, and injuries to Brandon McCarthy, Brent Anderson, and Dallas Braden. The staff
of Bartolo Colon, Jarred Parker, Tommy Milone, Travis Blackley, and AJ Griffin is getting it done.
With that said, the A’s have the worst team batting average. They are exciting with guys like Ces-
pedes, Reddick, Seth Smith, and Chris Carter, but the bats of Pendleton, Weeks, Inge, and Crisp
have to get better to compete against the Rangers and Angels.
At least this year, the A’s will be buyers in the next week as opposed to sellers when it comes to the
trade deadline. This is the second coming of Moneyball, and I may even have to watch the movie
now.
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34. Crawdads River Cantina
If you’re in the mood for an escape to something different and refreshing this sum-
mer, a trip to Crawdad’s River Cantina in Sacramento is sure to satisfy. Crawdad’s is
on Sacramento’s picturesque Garden Highway, a road that hugs the Sacramento River
northwest of the city. Considered by many to be the best outdoor dining experience in
the region, the restaurant floats directly on the river, nestled in an attractive marina.
Outdoor diners relax just a few feet from the river, and enjoy a variety of boats passing
by, including those that stop to dock at Crawdad’s own dock along its patio. A Califor-
nia/Bayou style grilled menu offers diners a variety of food, including grilled fish, steak,
chicken, as well as pasta, sandwiches, and salads. And as expected, crawdads are
highlighted as well.
For me the highlight of Crawdad’s is the energy of the outdoor patio, which puts pa-
trons closer to the river than any other venue I know of. In fact, Crawdad’s is actually
a floating barge, so you are not dining near the river, but on the river. As you walk
onto the patio, you know you’re part the river, with water splashing up just a few feet
away, the smell of the water, the boats cruising by, while being cooled down by the
delta breeze. On occasion, ducks with take a break from the river, climb the steps that
lead down to it and hang out on patio for a bit. Few venues provide more of an escape
than Crawdad’s patio, where you feel like you could be on vacation on the Bayou.
In spring and summer, many people travel by boat to Crawdad’s, which offers a dock
for such diners. With the dock adjacent to the patio, diners regularly enjoy watching
struggling boaters try to position and tie their boats up. Also fun is watching the ar-
ray of boats travel the river, from vintage wood boats, paddlewheel riverboats, exotic
speedboats, and yachts, to ski boats and old school fishing boats. There is a water
speed limit in front of the Crawdad’s, eliminating excessive noise and ruckus.
While Crawdads can be relaxing in the morning and afternoon, when it’s live bands per-
form, usually several days a week, it has been called a party of the river. Sometimes
the festivities spill over to the boats docked at Crawdads, often encouraged by scantly
clothed drunk women. One of the most memorable night happened several years back
during a Wonder Bread 5 concert when so many people were dancing on the floating
platform, it actually began sinking into the river, taking the connected stage, band and
equipment with it. The news video coverage is priceless! Please Youtube. The event
is now legend with the band proudly declaring, “Yes we sink clubs!”
Any discussion of the menu must begin with crawfish, which are in season now and are
featured in several dishes. For the more daring there is Crawdad’s by the Pail, which
includes whole crawdads boiled then sautéed in a Cajun spice butter sauce. Other
34 crawdad dishes include the Crawfish Jambalaya, a spicy rice dish with

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38. Sparky’s Hot Rod Garage is as unique and exciting as its designer and owner, Joe
“Sparky” Bullock. Sparky’s success in business is only surpassed by his success in enjoying his
life to the fullest. Not only is he passionate about Hot Rods and participating and displaying
his cars throughout California car shows, but he’s also an avid wild game and duck hunter, as
well as a storied fisherman.
During his teen years, Sparky could be found cruising drive-in’s downtown. He has been
a proficient driver since he bought his first car, a 1940 coupe at the age of 12, and sharpened
his skills on the family property. Sparky’s love of machinery was a must for a young hot rod
enthusiasts who enjoyed modifying cars. Since then, he has accumulated a collection of over
20 custom built hot rods and street rods, not including a couple of race cars and bikes.
Sparky grew his collection well beyond the capacity of his previous garage so when he moved
his company headquarters to San Carlos, he created a special place to house his collection,
now known as Sparky’s Hot Rod Garage. It’s a museum like environment, complete with
period artifacts, including a gas station, 50’s type diner, juke box, and vintage coke machines.
Even if you spend a few hours in Sparky’s garage, you may still not have enough time to take
in everything.
Although his collection and garage are private, Sparky hosts numerous parties for
friends and charitable events. He began his annual summer fundraiser with his Rodder’s
Bar-B-Que several years ago, which has now benefited a diverse number of non-profit
organizations. It began with a couple hundred guests and has since grown to a couple
thousand in recent years.
Sparky’s garage has been a place where his friends and family have enjoyed many fun
and memorable times. However, you can see in his smile that his most prized possession has
always been the company of friends and loved ones. Sparky wouldn’t enjoy his garage as
much if it weren’t for the people he shares the garage with. That’s just the kind of person he
is, he finds happiness in making those he loves happy, and in return he is always surrounded
by people that love him.
When you first meet Sparky, you are immediately enthralled by his jolly personality
and his contagious laugh, and there is an authenticity about him that’s welcoming. His pride
and joy has always been his three sons, but his six grandchildren are not far behind, and he
already has his youngest grandson following in his footsteps.
Although Sparky’s garage is a place to envy, the way he lives his life is much more coveted.
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39. Sparky’s Hot Rod Garage
975 Industrial Road Suite A
San Carlos, Ca, 94070
650-400-5810
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46. Beach Party
Kickball
A one-day kickball event to raise attention for the need
of grafÞti abatement in our beautiful city of Modesto!
Yes, we are combining kickball with
slip n slides! Too much fun!
Proceeds go to Modestoʼs
Partners In Paint
This ONE day Kickball event will be held on Sunday, August
19th at Enslen Park in Modesto. - Educate the community about the
Coed teams 21 and over (8-12 players) - $200 per team importance of grafÞti prevention and
abatement
- Provide communities with tools and
Each player receives a sponsors T-shirt! resources to respond to grafÞti and
vandalism
For more info and contact info log onto: - Help foster partnerships that will
JustAGameEvents.com or Call 209-996-1881 encourage involvement from all
members of the community
addressing grafÞti vandalism
- Help communities establish ant-grafÞti
programs that get results, creating
healthier, safer and more livable
communities.
Partnersinpaint.org
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47. Finding a sports bar near AT&T Park in San
Francisco is no more difficult than finding a
Walgreens in Modesto. My pretty good friend
from Wesley, Juan Valdez, suggested that the
next time I was in the city with a former best
girlfriend, I should check out Zeke’s. Located at
600 3rd Street, between Brannan and Townsend
and next door to the Monkey Car, I checked it
out with former best girlfriend, Shy Sheryl. Juan
said Zeke’s was unusual and it was. Zeke’s is
the only sports bar I’ve ever been to that served
Oriental food along with the typical sports bar
menu. I tried their chili and the 49’er dog; both
were great. Shy Sheryl had the Jambalaya and
said it was ok but not as good as the jambalaya
at Tresetti’s in Modesto. Zeke’s is a good unusual
sports bar. 20 televisions and the price of beer
was really good, but don’t take it too seriously.
Only problem; I went there to see a Giant’s game
and found out they were out of town. But the
price of beer was great!
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