5. Self-Awareness Across Development Elementary Grades: Should be able to recognize and accurately label simple emotions such as sadness, anger, and happiness Middle School: Should be able to analyze factors that trigger their stress reactions. High School: Are expected to analyze how various expressions of emotion affect other people. Accurately assessing oneâs own thoughts, feelings, interests, values, and strengths Recognizing how they influence choices and actions Maintaining a well-grounded sense of self-confidence
17. The Dismissive Parent What they arenât Does NOT: Problem-solve with the child; believes that the passage of time will resolve most problems Feel certain about what to do with the childâs emotions Show much interest in what the child is trying to communicate Like focusing on negative emotions; believes that it will âjust make things worseâ Likely have great awareness of emotions in self and others Focus much on the meaning of the emotion; more interested in how to get over them Feel that childrenâs feelings count; believes that they are irrational
18. The Dismissive Parent What they are Disengages from or ignores the childâs feelings; treats them as unimportant, trivial Wants the childâs negative emotions to disappear quickly Believes negative emotions are harmful or toxic Minimizes the childâs feelings, downplaying the events that led to the emotion; may ridicule or make light of a childâs emotions Fears being out-of-control emotionally Feels uncomfortable, fearful, anxious, annoyed, hurt or overwhelmed by the childâs emotions; sees them as demands to fix things Believes that focusing on negative emotions will âjust make things worseâ Believes negative emotions mean the child is not well-adjusted, that they reflect badly on their parents Characteristically uses distraction to shut down childâs emotions
19. The Dismissive ParentEffects of this style on children They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not valid. They may learn that there is something inherently wrong with them because of the way they feel. They may have difficulty regulating their own emotions
20. Jessica Dubroff Jessicaâs mother did not let her use negative words like âscared,â âfear,â and âthe sadness.â She told reporters, âChildren are fearless. Thatâs their natural state until adults ingrained fear in them.â After Jessicaâs crash, her mother told the press, âI know what people want. Cheers. But I will not do that. Emotion is unnatural. There is something untruthful about it.â
22. The Disapproving ParentWhat they are Displays many of the Dismissing Parentâs behaviors, but in a more negative way Judges and criticizes the childâs emotional expression Is over-aware of the need to set limits on their children Emphasizes conformity to good standards of behavior; Is concerned with the childâs obedience to authority Reprimands, disciplines, or punish the child for emotional expression, whether the child is misbehaving or not Believes expression of negative emotions should be time-limited Believes negative emotions reflect bad character traits and need to be controlled Believes the child uses negative emotions to manipulate; this belief results in power struggles Believes emotions make people week; children must be emotionally tough for survival Believes negative emotions are unproductive, a waste of time
25. The Laissez-Faire ParentWhat they arenât Does NOT: Offer much guidance on behavior Teach the child about emotions Set limits; is permissive Help children solve problems Teach problem-solving methods to the child
26. The Laissez-Faire ParentWhat they are Freely accepts all emotional expression from the child Offers comfort to the child experiencing negative feelings Believes there is little you can do about negative emotions other than ride them out Believes that managing negative emotions is a matter of âhydraulicsâ; release the emotion and the work is done
27. The Laissez-Faire ParentEffects of this style on children They donât want to regulate their emotions They have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, and getting along with other children
30. The Emotion Coach What They Are Values the childâs negative emotions as an opportunity for intimacy Can tolerate spending time with a sad, angry, or fearful child; does not become impatient with the emotion Is aware of and values his or her own emotions Sees the world of negative emotions as an important arena for parenting Is sensitive to the childâs emotional states, even when they are subtle Respects the childâs emotions
31. The Balance â××××ת×ת×' ××ק××××××××××××'â××××××××××׊×××××××××××××××××× )×ר××ת, × ×: (
32. The Emotion Coach What They Are Uses emotional moments as a time to: Listen to the child Empathize with soothing words and affection Help the child label the emotion he or she is feeling Offer guidance on regulating emotions Set limits and teach acceptable expression of emotions Teach problem-solving skills
33. The Emotion CoachEffects of this style on children They learn to: Trust their feelings Regulate their own emotions Solve problems They have high self-esteem, learn well, get along well with others
35. Steps parents commonly use to build empathy into relationships with their children, enhancing the childrenâs emotional intelligence 5 Key Steps to Emotion Coaching
38. Scenario #1 Tattyâs right. Iâm acting like a baby. Thatâs why the guys next door donât want to play with me. I wonder whatâs wrong with me. Why canât I just forget it like Tatty says? Iâm such a wimp! Nobody wants to be my friend.
39. Scenario #2 Moishe puts down the sefer, looks at Dovid, and says: You look kind of sad, Dovid. Tell me whatâs going on.
40. Scenario #2 If Moishe listensâreally listens with an open heartâperhaps Dovid will come up with a different assessment of himself. The conversation might continue like this:
41. Scenario #2 Dovid: âBaruch and Shlomo wonât let me play basketball with them.â Moishie: âIâll bet that hurt your feelings.â Dovid: âYeah it did. It made me mad, too.â Moishie: âI can see that.â Dovid: âThereâs no reason why I canât shoot baskets with them.â Moishe: âDid you talk to them about it?â Dovid: âNah, I donât want to.â Moishe: âWhat do you want to do?â Dovid: âI donât know. Maybe Iâll just blow it off.â Moishe: âYou think thatâs a better idea?â Dovid: âYeah, âcuz theyâll probably change their minds tomorrow. I think Iâll call one of my friends from school or do my chazara. Maybe Iâll play on the computer.â
43. Scaffolding Scene:Mother finds her young daughter standing in front of a dog, screaming in fright (The daughter is in no physical danger) How should Mom handle this? What should she say/do?
44. Practice Example (Hugging the child) âShhh⌠Mommyâs here, itâs OK. (Shoos the dog away) âNow, now. That was really scary wasnât it? I know. It will be OK now. Mommyâs got you. There, there. Letâs tell that big doggie to go away. OK? Go away big doggie!â All the while hugging and soothing the child. Response #1 Response #2
45. Scaffolding The mother is using the emotion as anopportunity for intimacy and teaching In this scenario, she is scaffoldingself-control by modeling it first and then inviting the daughter to join in problem-solving As the girl gets older, the mother can strip the scaffolding and simply prompt the child (âWhat can you do to make the big doggie go away?â) rather than providing the solutions âNow, now. That was really scary wasnât it? I know. It will be OK now. Mommyâs got you. There, there. Letâs tell that big doggie to go away. OK? Go away big doggie!â All the while hugging and soothing the child. Validating & Labeling Reassuring Problem-Solving Suggestion Joint Problem-Solving Reassuring
46. Donât be Too Negative Excessive criticism, humiliating comments, or mocking your child are destructive to parent-child communication and to childrenâs self-esteem Examples: The âhelicopter momâ Labeling Making the child the butt of jokes for other adults for
47. Use âScaffoldingâ and Praise âScaffoldingâ components: Give children just enough information to get started, talking in a slow, calm manner Wait for the child to do something right and offer specific praise for their action. Add just a little bit more instruction and repeat.
49. Additional Strategies Ignore your âparental agendaâ Create a mental map of your childâs daily life Avoid âsiding with the enemyâ Think about your childâs situation in terms of similar adult situations Donât try to impose your solutions on your childâs problems Empower your child by giving choices, respecting wishes
50. Additional Strategies (continued) Share in your childâs dreams and fantasies Be honest with your child Use books and stories to build your childâs emotional vocabulary Be patient with the process Understand your base of power as a parent Believe in the positive nature of human development
52. When NOT to Be an Emotion Coach When youâre pressed for time When you have an audience When you are too upset or too tired for coaching to be productive When you need to address serious misbehavior When your child is âfakingâ an emotion to manipulate you
54. Sample Exercise A child disappears in a large department store and the parents are very worried about the child. After a while, a clearly upset child is found by a store employee, who helps the child find the parent. Parentâs agenda: âYou stupid child! I am so mad at you, I am never taking new shopping again.â Childâs feeling: Fear Right response: âyou must have been so scared. I was scared, too. Come here and let me hold you for a while. Then letâs talk over what happened.â
55. Exercise #1 A child comes home from school and says, â Iâm never going back to school again! The teacher yelled at me in front of my friends!â Wrong response: âWhat did you do to make a teacher yell at you?â Parentâs agenda: Childâs feeling: Right response:
56. Exercise #2 In the bathtub, your child says, âI hate my brother. I wish he would be dead.â Wrong response: âThatâs a terrible thing to say. We donât talk that way in his house. You donât hate your brother. You love your brother. I never want to hear you say that again!â Parentâs agenda? Childâs feeling? Right response?
57. Exercise #3 Your childâs friend is visiting. Your child says to the friend, âI donât want to share this toy with you. You canât play with it!â Wrong response: âWhat bad middos! You are selfish child. You have to learn to share!â Parentâs agenda? Childâs feeling? Right response?
58. Selected References Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting, by John Gottman and Joan DeClaire. Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, by Daniel Goleman Parent Effectiveness Training, by Thomas Gordon