1. Way back in 1993, when the award winning movie “Beauty and the Beast” was still
popular, I attended a Conference on Youth Violence. The teenaged speaker, Brian
Atkinson called people out of the audience and dressed them up in costumes to act
out the story of this old fairy tale. It was uproariously funny, but there were a lot of
good lessons to be learned. No wonder Michael Medved, the conservative Jewish
movie critic, stated in Sneak Previews: “The best movie I have seen this year. Period.
The best for adults. The best for kids.”
The theme of Beauty and the Beast is based on the concept of the Four Loves,
masterfully described by C.S. Lewis in his 1960 classic "The Four Loves". English is
unique because it only has one word for Love, whereas Greek was more precise. We
love our children, our wives, our parents, a good meal, our money, classical (or rap)
music, our country and we love sex. And God is Love. Certainly we are not talking
about the same thing! Or do we fallen humans distort love in different ways? Lewis
discusses four different categories of Love. They are: Storgē (affection, or familial
love), Philia (friendship, or brotherly love) Eros (or affective love: often, but not
always sexual) and finally Agape, (unconditional positive regard). But Agape is more
than that: it is the kind of selfless love that God demonstrated when he sent his Son
to die for us.
1

2. Storgē is the first love we experience as infants: when our diaper is too wet, or the
tummy hurts, something responds to our cries and brings warm comfort and security.
It is marked by affection and nurturance. Anyone who has held their new born baby
knows the powerful emotions and even hormonal responses that it calls forth. This
love is powerful enough to motivate an exhausted parent to wake from a warm bed
and feed a hungry infant or nurse a sick toddler. Older siblings may also experience
this kind of love for younger relatives, and even extended families are aware of the
Storgē love that grandparents, aunts and uncles can have for their younger relatives.
The main driving force in Storgē love is the family ties: sharing the same blood.
Nevertheless, children, who have only experienced Storgē love will display it with
playmates, and eventually with mentors or surrogate parents like Big Brothers or
Sisters.
2

3. In the story of Beauty and the Beast the Storgē love between Belle and her father
Maurice is delightfully portrayed. The townsfolk thought both of them somewhat odd
because they just didn’t fit in: Maurice was a visionary inventor, and Belle loved
books. But since they were family, they didn’t care that they deviated from societal
norms: they loved each other sacrificially and were mutually supportive and
encouraging.
3

4. Belle worried about her father and went searching for him when Phillipe the horse
came back with an empty wagon. When she found he was imprisoned she
volunteered to take his place. Upon gaining his freedom. Maurice tried to motivate
the townsfolk to free his daughter from the dungeons of the Beast. When he could
get no support he feebly tried to rescue her by himself, nearly dying in the attempt.
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5. Impressed by the intensity of Belle’s Storgē love, the Beast relented and allowed her
to go to her father’s side and nurse him back to health. She even took on “the
medical establishment” who were trying take poor old Maurice (who they thought
was demented) out of his comfortable home and put him into an insane asylum.
There is an inherent imbalance of power in Storgē: One person must do all the giving
and the other must do all the taking. In the case of a sick child or a feeble, elderly
parent, this is inevitable. But when a marriage is based on Storgē and yet both
partners are equally capable of caring for each other, this kind of love is immature
and can become toxic. Power must be kept in the hands of one and not the other. A
man who is looking for a woman to “mother him” the way his mother did will not
experience an invigorating and vitalized marriage. In the same way, a woman who
wants her husband to spoil her like her father did, but give nothing in return, can
never enjoy a fulfilling love.
John Bradshaw has much to say about the wounds caused by role reversal, when
children feel obligated to parent their parents. This is very damaging to a young child
who has to care for an irresponsible parent who is incapacitated by depression or
substance abuse. But as people are living much longer nowadays, caring for one’s
parents is has become a pressing issue. Some would call this a form of co-
dependence. Thomas says “Sacrifice has taken on such negative connotations that
people fear being a ‘codependent’ more than they fear being perceived as selfish.”
Storgē is confusing.
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6. Even the Bible challenges us to move on between the immature characteristics of
Storgē love. “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned
like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” 1
Corinthians 13:11 Like a garden, a marriage that is not growing and maturing is dying.
6

7. Philia is the kind of love that encompasses friendship. Friendship is often based on the
perception that your friend is similar in many ways. Thus we have friendships based on
common interests: we make friends at clubs, the workplace, the gym or church. Our time is
spent sharing common interests and encouraging common values. If we seek friends that are
not like us, it is perhaps because they possess some qualities that we covet: musical talent,
athletic prowess, intellectual ability or even self discipline. By associating with them, we hope
that some of those “qualities” will somehow rub off! Some people only look for mates in their
immediate social circle so that they can continue the camaderie they experienced before
marriage: it seldom works
As children mature beyond the childish experience of Storgē and discover that the opposite
sex doesn’t have “cooties” they may suddenly find that they have found a special friend
whose presence they find intoxicating. This is what we call puppy love or infatuation. We all
know that this is a very fragile and transitory relationship. Gary Thomas writes: “Infatuation
can be an intoxicating drug that temporarily covers up any number of inner weaknesses.”
Actually the infatuated lover can only see those qualities that are either similar to his or
qualities that he wished he had. By its very nature, Philia tries to ignore those qualities that
they don’t like (they plan to change them later). While friendship does involve some mutual
give and take, it is easily threatened by differences in appearance, values and opinions, and
even ethnicity. While it is possible for Philia to bridge those barriers, it is more challenging.
Many happily married people announce that their spouse is “my best friend.” While this is
noble, marriage has the potential to be so much more. As we age, and bodies begin to
deteriorate, the activities that defined friendship may gradually become more difficult: the
couple who enjoyed the camaderie of long hikes together will suddenly be stressed when
one partner becomes unable to take part.
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8. In the movie Gaston may have been the villain, but he was the hero that the
townsfolk admired and tried to emulate. With his physical prowess, aggressiveness,
and hunting skill he had the potential to be a good provider. He was the popular life
of the party and everyone lifts a glass in his honor. Relationships based on Philia like
parties. They all agree on everything and so they are willing to work as a team. They
conspire with Gaston to persuade and even try to manipulate Belle into marrying
Gaston. When the town’s safety is threatened by the information that some Beast
has stolen away one of their citizens, they rally behind Gaston’s crusade to conquer
his rival and rescue the object of his affections.
Church communities have a natural tendency to be made up of people who are
similar in background and socioeconomic status. It is strengthening to marriages and
young families to have friends who are going through the same struggles and have
similar interests. But those very groups have a tendency to shut out those who they
consider as “different” or behave in different ways. Gaston’s buddies thought Belle
was weird because she was always reading books. But worse, they considered her
father crazy because he was always trying to invent something. When people like
Maurice who are considered “different” turn to the community for help, they are
often ignored or ridiculed as Maurice was. The main goal of Philia in marriages and
communities is to maintain the status quo. Philia does not have the resources to
respond effectively to different needs and changing needs, which occur in every
marriage.
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9. Brian Atkinson nicknames Philia “label love”: people can become objects to be
labeled and then classified and sorted. A relationship based on Philia cannot tolerate
major differences, and it can’t adjust to differences. Philia as the basis of a marriage is
bound to run into difficulties, because the gender differences between man and
women are present. A Philia love remains secure when roles are rigidly adhered to, so
a relationship based on Philia tends to be a rather traditional one.
Labels have a tendency to alienate: “co-dependent”, “single parent”, “dysfunctional”
or “liberal” set up walls to communication. In a marriage based on Philia, the
application of labels such as “just like a woman”, “bipolar”, “whiner”, “lazy”,
“careless” can be used to force the partner into repressing uniqueness and complying
with an expected role: usually the role the person played when the relationship
began. But people grow and change and seldom remain the same forever. Philia can
hinder individual growth. A marriage based on Philia love will soon founder when
they discover how different they really are. A common complaint is “why can’t you be
like you used to be?”
Philia is the basis behind hero worship and idolatry. But our heroes and idols have
feet of clay and will disappoint us some day. If they are blindly followed, they can lead
one astray. The exclusivity of Philia can lead to labeling people with derogatory names
like “nigger”, “drunken Indian”, “welfare refugees”, “perverts”, or “infidels”. Corrupt
Philia can be the basis for all organized violence: gangs, terrorists, and even war.
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10. Eros includes, but is not limited to erotic, sexual love. It is essentially a love that says:
“I love you because my make me feel good.” The tavern floozies cling to Gaston
because he is “such a hottie”, but the hunter in him distains their affection: he loves
the chase more than the catch. This is the essence of the cheap love portrayed in
Hollywood romances. It can be a powerful motivator: both for good and evil. Since it
was implanted by the Creator, we cannot condemn it as inherently evil. Without the
driving force of sexual attraction, it is doubtful if any person would volunteer to
subject themselves to the painful burden of childbearing. God put sexual desire
within us so we could obey His command to our first parents: “Be fruitful and
multiply.”
Gary Thomas has studied how the church has struggled with the power of sexual love
for 20 centuries. The general assumption was that to become truly holy, one had to
become an ascetic: a priest, nun or monk who took vows of chastity. It is significant
that none of the holy persons that were recognized and canonized by the Roman
church were married. Yet those ascetics spend lifetimes in sexual and physical
mortification to try and achieve spiritual experiences that would make them “feel
good.” Recently, there has been a move towards a more balanced view: and sexual
love is not necessarily devoid of spirituality. This was already well known to the
Biblical writer of the Song of Solomon, who reveled in the physical beauty of his
beloved and the delights of sensuous love.
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11. In the movie, the lover motivated by Eros was the handsome and powerful Gaston. Not only was he admirable for
his physical prowess, he knew it and admired himself. Whole libraries of books have been written on improving
self-esteem, but Gaston didn’t need to read them. But he could have used some lessons in humility and
conquering narcissism
Despite Gaston’s overdone conceit and bragging about himself, he does not seem unrealistic. Our world is full of
braggarts and the marketplace encourages them. Hero worship is aggressively promoted by our culture: whether
it is Brad Pitt, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears or Oprah Winfrey. They seem to get everything they want (which
causes us to want it too) Superstar status overshadows and camouflages their very obvious moral failures and
character defects. By their example of temporary marriage, they make light of perseverance and fidelity and
promote early divorce. Gary Thomas says: Evaluating your marriage so soon is like trying to eat a cake that’s half
baked. In fact some experts suggest it takes from nime to fourteen years for a couple to truly ‘create and form its’
being”. (Mary Ann McPherson Oliver, Conjugal Spirituality: ThePrimacy fo Mutual Love in Christina Tradition,
Kansas city: Sheed and Ward, 1994 quoted in Thomas, 107)
Despite the fact that in psychology and psychiatry, excessive narcissism is recognized as a severe personality
disorder, there does not seem to be much scholarly interest in studying it. A new name for a narcissist is
“metrosexual” where narcissism and consumerism come together. The post-modern challenge is to become
attractive to both sexes. The British soccer team captain David Beckham is the poster boy for narcissism. Mark
Simpson says: For some time now, old-fashioned (re)productive, repressed, unmoisturized heterosexuality has
been given the pink slip by consumer capitalism. The stoic, self-denying, modest straight male didn't shop
enough…(BUT) given all its obsession with attractiveness, vanity for vanity's sake turns out to be not very sexy
after all.”
Gary Thomas tells a story about a famous actress who spent up to five hours a day in the gym to refine her body
enhancing surgery in preparation for a movie where she would appear naked. (213) He notes that people “put
more effort into changing physically than changing internally by growing in godliness.” (216) Our bodies have
somehow become marketable commodities like garments.
While women have long been considered vulnerable to narcissism and focusing on their outward appearance, it
seems males have now joined them The biblical injunction in this post-modern age applies equally to men and
women: ”3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing
of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and
quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.” (1 Peter 3:3-4) Physical bodies fade (and sag). The quality of
character that creates inner beauty is eternal.
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12. Eros when thwarted is not prepared to suffer. Thomas says: “Romantic Love has no
elasticity to it. It can never be stretched; it simply shatters. (15) When the object of
love does not make the lover feel good any more, the response can get ugly: such self
seeking love will quickly turn to jealousy, anger and manipulation to get what it
wants. When his plans are thwarted, Gaston even sinks to manipulating Belle to say
yes by throwing her beloved father into an insane asylum.
John Bradshaw says: “When sex is disengaged from awe, reverence and mystery
(healthy shame) it becomes a sickness of soul and falls into the hogpen of spiritual
bankruptcy.” (269)
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13. Eros can be described as “Gillette Razor blade love”. Just as a fresh, sharp razor blade
feels good when it is new, it soon becomes dull and is thrown away and replaced with
a new one. But humans are not like things that become obsolete. Eros overlooks
inner qualities and only values the attributes that make them “feel good”. Thomas
writes: ….good marriages work hard to preserve a sense of romance. But the idea
that a marriage can survive on romance alone, or that romantic feelings are more
important than any other consideration when choosing a spouse, has wrecked many
a marital ship. (14)
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14. Agape love loves a person just the way they are. It is the highest and noblest love.
According to C. S Lewis, it is not a love set apart from the other varieties of love, but a
fulfillment of them. This love comes from Jesus Christ: St. John said:
"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an
atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to
love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in
us and his love is made complete in us." 1 John 4:10-12
C.S. Lewis says that “this primal love is Gift-love. In God there is no hunger that needs
to be filled, only plenteousness that desires to give.” the very reason God created
humankind was to love them and give to them. “Divine Gift-love in the man enables
him to love what is not naturally lovable; lepers, criminals, enemies, morons, the
sulky, the superior and the sneering.” But the root, the well from which this Agape
love springs is the ability that humans have to love God Himself.
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15. When Belle tries to escape from him, the Beast bravely protects her against a pack of wild
wolves, which attack him instead. Beast has “fallen in love” with Belle, but he lets her go to
care for her ailing father. An anonymous proverb states: "If you love something let it go, if it
comes back to you it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it never was.” He subsequently falls into the
suffering of depression, which is made worse by Gaston and the townsfolk storming his castle
seeking to destroy him. But his selfless love has captured Belle’s heart, and she runs to his
side weeping while he writhes in pain from the near fatal wound that Gaston has inflicted.
Charles Lindbergh’s wife Anne stated:
“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be
wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience,
love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable.”
Brian Atkinson gives an example of Agape. Bill, a US Marine whose face and arm was blown
off by a grenade in Viet Nam is in hospital where several veterans were being treated for
devastating injuries requiring plastic surgery. His wife visited him and assured him of her
undying love and promised to stay with him: she told him she would be angry with him if he
died! But other men in the ward were told by their wives that their marriage was over. They
soon died, but Bill had a reason for living. Such devotion and Agape love is live giving.
Unfortunately, the reality is that many marriages founder when touched by disfigurement,
disability or sickness. Nearly three quarters of terminal illness patients are deserted by their
spouses. Very few people take seriously the public vow they made during their wedding
ceremony.
“to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in
sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part; according to God's holy
ordinances.”
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16. The story delightfully unfolds as Belle’s interest begins to grow due to the Beast’s
efforts to win her approval despite his horrid looks, his uncouth mannerisms and lack
of social skills. His effort to love and win her love begins to transform him. The Beast
had an advantage over most men, because he knew there is a time limit or he will
lose all. Too many marriages have ended in divorce because one partner (usually the
man) procrastinates on the necessary changes he needs to make. He thinks he will
get around to it some day. He knows he needs to learn better communication skills,
spend more time at home instead of the office, go to the marriage counselor or just
get up off the couch and exercise to become more physically fit. However, God said in
Genesis” My spirit will not remain in human beings forever for they are corrupt”.
Genesis 6:3 (TNIV) Similarly, spouses may also get tired of waiting for the relationship
to improve and suddenly the invisible line is crossed and irreparable harm has been
done to the marriage. So they leave.
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17. The climax of the story occurs when Belle finally at the last minute expresses her love
for the Beast just before the last petal falls from the enchanted rose. In the story, the
ugly, repulsive Beast is transformed into a classic, handsome prince.
Although this is a fairy tale legend, it contains a timeless truth. True Agape love
transforms. The path to Agape love may not be easy, but the results are worth it. It
involves a dying to oneself and living for the good of the beloved.
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18. Francis de Sales told a young woman:
“The state of marriage is one that requires more virtue and constancy than any other.
It is a perpetual exercise of mortification…From this thyme plant, in spite of the bitter
nature of its juice, you may be able to drawn and make the honey of a holy life.”
Agape love is best demonstrated by the example God gave us in sending his Son into
the world to conquer death for our salvation: But God demonstrates his own love for
us in this:
“While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
“Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if
indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” Romans
8:17-18 (NIV)
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19. A very meaningful ritual takes place in a Greek Orthodox wedding. The bride and groom are
crowned with laurel wreaths: deliberately similar to the crown of thorns born by our Savior.
These symbolize the Martyrs’ crown of glory that they will receive for enduring suffering for
the name of Christ. “Blessed are those who persevere under trial, because when they have
stood the test, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love
him.” James 1:12 (NIV) Marriage is meant to be a demonstration of God’s self sacrificial love.
“Scripture tells us that the husband must love his wife even as Christ also loved the Church
and gave Himself for it (Ephesians 5:25). Just recall Christ's words to His followers: “Greater
love hath no man than that he lay down his life for his friend.” Love, then, from the Christian
standpoint, means sacrifice, and self-denial. A husband must take as much care, concern,
thoughtfulness, attention, regard and precautions for his wife as Christ takes for the Church.
The husband's attentiveness might even have to extend to death itself. For just as Christ was
put to death for His love of the Church, so too the Orthodox Christian husband must yield all
things - even his life, if necessary - for his wife.”
The same must hold true for the wife.
Gary Thomas writes: “Persistence doesn’t make sense unless we live with a keen sense of
eternity…I promise you, you won’t find one reference to a ‘crown in heaven’ that goes to the
person who had the ‘happiest’ life on earth.”
“The ‘paschal mystery of marriage’—the process of dying and rising as a pattern of married
life for married people. Each day we must die to our own desires and rise as a servant. Each
day we are called to identify with the suffering Christ on the cross and them be empowered by
the resurrected Christ. We die to our expectations, our demand and our fears. We rise to
compromise, service and courage.
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20. Agape love in marriage is not in essence a different category of love, it is a richer quality. It is the
fulfillment of the three other loves, which C.S. Lewis calls “the natural loves.” Agape “indicate[s] where
their glory lies.”
The marriage based on mothering Storgē love, can develop into a “differentiated unity” as described
by the Balswicks. It is a love based more on giving than taking.
A marriage that has degenerated into a boring routine of Philia love can be rejuvenated. Stanley et al
advises: When differences arise, the partners need to “stop wearing fig leaves” become vulnerable and
begin meaningful conversation so that intimacy can be restored. Les & Leslie Parrot remind us never to
forget the two most overlooked romantic phrases: “I was wrong.” and “Will you forgive me?”
A love that is merely romantic eroticism can transform into what Thomas Moore describes as a
spiritual marriage:
“We find the spiritual marriage not beyond the sensual, but through it, by means of it. The lover
explores the body of his beloved and discovers himself at his source. His partner has brought out his
erotic potential and given it an opportunity for realization; but what is exposed to real love is always
the deep soul, never only what mentality we intend or understand.”
Jack and Judy Balswick write; “The free-flowing exchange in which two persons intermingle to form a
mystical one-flesh union is deeply satisfying emotionally and intellectually and spiritually.”
“Agape is patient,
Agape is kind.
Agape does not envy,
Agape does not boast,
Agape is not proud.
Agape does not dishonor others,
Agape is not self-seeking,
Agape is not easily angered,
Agape keeps no record of wrongs.
Agape does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Agape always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
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21. While Belle and her prince lived happily ever after, in reality the struggle for Agape love in
marriage cycles throughout life. It is the Christian hope in the resurrection that gives this
struggle purpose and meaning.
Illustrations were captured electronically from the Award winning Disney Movie “Beauty and the Beast” and royalty free posters
from the Internet Movie Database http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101414/
Quotes were taken from the following sources:
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