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Finally, a manual just for new
From burping & bathing, to
choosing the perfect babysitter.
• Parents have the most important job in the
• On the first day of a new job, you’re given a
procedures manual which will help you
solve any problems you may come across in
that position. Why is it there is no such
manual for becoming a parent?!
• Take heart, “PARENTING 101: A CRASH
COURSE FOR NEW PARENTS” is here to
help you cope!
To raise a normal, bright, healthy, well-
adjusted, independent, refined, clever, rational,
sensitive, wise, reasonable, resourceful,
thoughtful, perceptive, courteous, astute human
being who will be an outstanding member of
(Without making any mistakes)
A. Physical Requirements:
• Be able to make a five second dash to
baby’s room from any room in the house.
• Know and be able to use the proper
• Be aware and use accordingly the proper
• Know and use proper bathing techniques.
A. Physical Requirements Cont’
• Be able to execute the ‘3 in 1’ – talking on
the phone, holding baby, and changing the
TV with your toes.
• Be able to eat and hold baby without
dropping food or spilling drink on him.
• The ability to function safely and efficiently
with little or no sleep.
A. Physical Requirements Cont’
• Calf roping skills needed while changing
the “active” baby’s diaper.
• Balance beam skills needed while holding
baby and picking up things with your toes.
• Be able to assemble baby bottle components
in less than 3 seconds.
B. Mental Requirements
• Be able to change a poo poo diaper in the
middle of breakfast.
• Learn how to be wide awake in two seconds
for those middle of the night awakenings.
• Be able to keep a sense of humor at all
• Be able to tolerate any body secretions that
may fall on, in, or be projected at you.
We are an Equal Opportunity
You will be required to work 24 hour days, and you will be
on call at night, on weekends, and during holidays.
You will be allowed one coffee break during the day
somewhere between laundry, errands, meals, cleaning, phone
calls, doctor visits, grocery shopping, budgeting and daily
Your presence is critical in order for your domestic
structure to continue in a smooth working order.
Absences are not tolerated well by household members
and often result in pink laundry. You will be required to
report to work during minor illnesses such as: the flu,
common colds, PMS, and respiratory infections. Unless,
you have an order from the U.S. Supreme Court, a
physician’s report and an excuse from your husband you
will be expected to report to work. However, in the event
of a serious illness or injury you will be given the
maximum time off – 2 days.
Time off will be granted under the following conditions:
military leave, national guard reserve, your own death and
jury duty. However, you will be required to give six months
notice and you will be responsible for finding an appropriate
replacement for your job.
Unlike the parents on TV you are not encouraged to wear
formal clothing, including high heels, sequin dresses, suit
and tie, while performing your duties. You should wear
practical, comfortable clothing that will hold up well to the
abuses of baby food, numerous baby body fluids and
thousands of washings.
The majority of your holidays will be
spent visiting relatives you haven’t seen
since YOU were a baby. Your baby will be
showered with thousands of gifts and you
will have to rent a U-Haul to get back home
Vacations are mandatory; however, the word
vacation may take on a new meaning. A
vacation may be a trip to the grocery store all
by yourself, a long, hot bath without the
optional child, or a metal vacation to Hawaii,
the Caribbean or Europe.
Your job cannot be measured monetarily.
However, research has shown that if the
average parent was paid for the various jobs
they perform they are worth $40,000 a year.
You will be paid thousands of times over that
monetary amount with Kodak moments.
Your bonus checks will be the most
rewarding, those special times when only you
can make it all better.
A. Bathing Your Newborn
Object: To successfully hold your slippery,
limp newborn with one hand and clean him
with the other hand, while providing a
• Foam Rubber Mat – placed in the bath tub. This
method can be hazardous to your back and
provides the least secure environment.
• Baby Bathtub – used on a table or used in the
kitchen sink. This is better method for saving
your back, but it is still hard to hold on to your
slippery newborn, and most of the time you end up
with more water on you and the floor than on your
Bathing Methods Cont’
• Take a Bath with Baby! – The only method for
saving your back, and it provides the most secure
environment for your newborn!
• Spit-Bath – when you need to clean up baby in a
hurry and you don’t have much time. For example,
your mother-in-law called and said, “We just
happened to be in the area and we’re dying to see
our little grandbaby; well be there in five
minutes!” When you find yourself in this
situation use diaper wipes to clean your baby and
help give him that fresh all over feeling.
• Most new parents bathe their newborn at the same
time every day. Do they really need a bath every
day? All they do for the first couple of months is
sleep and eat. It’s not like they are running around
outside eating bugs and playing in the dirt. That
comes later. You are not a bad, neglectful parent if
you don’t bathe your newborn every day! Every
parent skips a bath every now and then, but they
would never admit it. That is what’s so great about
being a parent – you get to set the rules!
B. Diapering Procedures
• Step 1: Place baby on changing surface.
• Step 2: Carefully unfasten dirty diaper.
• Step 3: (A) If your baby is a girl, proceed to
(B) If your baby is a boy, quickly
place a cloth over genital area.
• Step 4: (A) If baby is wet proceed to Step 5
(B) If baby has made a dirty diaper simply
clean the area with diaper wipes.
B. Diapering Procedures Cont’
• Step 5: Gently lift the baby up by grabbing
his ankles with one hand, and
remove the soiled diaper.
• Step 6: Quickly and accurately place a new
diaper down on the changing
surface, making sure that the tapes are
in the back (if you are using disposables)
and that the new diaper is directly under
the baby’s bottom.
• Step 7: Fold diaper up and secure.
• ***Note: If you have a baby boy and forget
to remove cloth go back to Step 1.
B. Diapering Procedures Cont’
C. Burping Your Baby
• Whether you breast-feed or bottle-feed
your baby, you should burp him.
Burping helps alleviate any air bubbles
that could cause gas in the stomach.
Following are some common burping
techniques that you may find helpful.
Over The Shoulder
• This technique is quite successful. Place the
baby’s head on your shoulder with his abdomen
on your chest and pat gently. If after several
minutes, no disgusting guttaral sounds are heard,
you can assume that there are no bubbles present
at this time.
• (Disadvantage) – The caretaker is often unaware
of the white, runny substance that has dribbled out
of the baby’s mouth and down their back.
• Simply position baby face down on your lap
with his stomach across your legs and tap
gently on his back.
• (Disadvantage) – Due to gravitational
forces the results are often more than
• The most popular form of burping; place
baby in sitting position supporting his head
with one hand under his chin and with the
other hand pat gently on his back.
• (Disadvantage) – This method usually
produces louder burps and should only be
used when you are around unwanted guests.
D. Care of the Umbilical Cord
or Belly Button
• Newborns don’t become real babies until
they have belly-buttons. The umbilicus is
the part of the umbilical cord that remains
on the baby. It is very important to clean
the umbilicus daily and to keep it dry. It
will eventually dry up and fall off.
Step 1: When diapering your newborn fold the diaper
down and then tape it to keep the umbilicus dry.
Step 2: Use alcohol and cotton balls or Q-tips to clean
around the umbilicus. Simply apply the alcohol to
the cotton and squeeze the alcohol onto the
umbilicus and then take a Q-tip and clean
around the outer edges.
Step 3: Most new parents stop at step 2. You MUST
proceed with step 3, You MUST lift up the umbilicus
and clean UNDER it!!. Even when half of it is still
attached and the other half is just hanging there, you,
you must continue to clean it in this manner until it
finally fall off, and then you are confronted with
another problem. “What am I supposed to do with
IV. Helpful Hints From The
New parents often discover “tricks of
the trade” while caring for their
babies. Some of the more
ingenious ideas were discovered by
accident while others were the result
of sheer desperation. Listed below
are some creative ideas and helpful
advice from peer parents.
• If you use baby lotion after bath time, put
the bottle of lotion in the bathtub with baby,
and when it’s time to apply the lotion it will
be nice and warm.
• When giving your baby girl a bath wash her
hair last; this helps prevent infections that
are caused from prolonged exposure to the
chemicals in shampoos and conditioners.
Bath Time Cont’
• Keep a watering can in the bathroom – it
comes in handy when washing hair and it
also makes a fun bath toy.
• To control all the bath toys that accumulate
in the bathroom find a large wicker basket
with a lid and place it near the bathtub.
• Your baby is fast asleep, but every time you
put him in the bed he wakes up! Try
placing a heating pad on the mattress, while
putting baby back to sleep, and when it’s
time to try again, remove the heating pad
and place baby on the warm spot.
• Don’t tiptoe around baby at nap time;
continue making normal sounds during the
day and evening.
• Don’t let your newborn baby cry; babies cry
for a reason.
• To keep a newborn from losing his pacifier
while in a reclined position, like an infant
seat, place a cloth diaper or blanket under
his chin and halfway over the pacifier then
tuck the ends of the blanket under baby’s
• Baby is crying and you’ve tried everything?
Take baby to the sink and let him watch
running water. Sometimes babies are
calmed by the sound of running water.
• Try putting him in infant seat and place it
on top of the dryer. The sound, rhythm and
warmth of the dryer seem to have a calming
• Use a music box to quiet a crying baby.
• Go for a little drive – the sound and rhythm of a
car will sometimes help put baby to sleep.
• Try swaddling your baby to keep him from crying.
Place a receiving blanket in a diamond position.
Fold the bottom corner up, wrap one side around
baby gently tucking in the ends, and wrap the
remaining side around.
• Place him in a Snuggli and vacuum the house.
• Baby is still crying! Bring a rocking chair in the
bathroom, turn the shower on, and rock gently.
• If your baby is sensitive to diaper wipes try
using a spray bottle filled with warm water,
and use tissues and baby oil to clean his
• If you have a baby boy keep a dry
washcloth nearby during diaper changes to
intercept any surprises that may come your
• Disposable diapers make great bottle
insulators. Wrap a bottle in a clean diaper
and secure the tapes around it. This will
keep the milk cool for up to two hours.
• Don’t feed you baby when he’s lying flat; it
helps to prevent ear infections.
• Follow your baby’s lead – don’t watch the
• If you ever find yourself without a bib, try
using a disposable diaper. Just tape the
diaper, with the plastic side up, on the
baby’s shoulders. It works great because
you can wipe off any spills and reuse the
• When preparing your own baby food, pour
the processed food into ice cube trays and
freeze. The ice cube sized portions make
great single servings.
On The Go:
• When traveling in the car, tape interesting
pictures, faces or graphic symbols to the back of
your seat to keep baby from getting bored.
• Jingle bells tied on baby’s shoes can help keep
him entertained while traveling.
• Time to go grocery shopping, and baby has
learned to stand up in front of the cart. One way
to keep him seated is to tie his shoelaces together.
This prevents him from pulling up his legs.
On The Go Cont’
• If you are going out for the evening and want your
baby to feel secure, take a blanket or cloth diaper,
rub it on your neck and leave it with baby. You
can also use clothing that you have worn.
• Bring plenty of cassette tapes for baby to listen to
while running errands in the car
• If you’re traveling with an already loaded diaper
bag you can save space if you use powdered
formula. Place pre-measured amounts in plastic
baggies, roll them up and secure with rubber
On The Go Cont’
• Always take 50% more diapers than you think
you’ll need when traveling long distances. This
helps you to be prepared for unforeseen
circumstances, such as when you are traveling by
plane and your connecting flight gets canceled or
your flight is held over due to bad weather.
• When preparing the family for an outing (church,
visiting family/friends, or the doctor’s office),
always dress the baby last.
On The Go Cont’
• When one or both parents are going to be
absent from the baby for an extended period
of time (business trip, vacation or
hospitalization) make a cassette tape of the
person/persons reading or talking to the
baby. The sound of their voice will be
• There are several teething rings on the market, but
what about when baby is getting his molars? Try
freezing water in Popsicle molds; Tupperware
molds work best, as they are long enough and thin
enough to reach baby’s back teeth.
• When baby is teething let him chew on a frozen
• Another way to relieve teething pain is to soak a
washcloth in apple juice and freeze it. Not only
will it feel good on the gums it will taste good too!
• To encourage your cautious toddler to walk,
try placing Cheerios along the furniture.
• When talking on the phone you can prevent
“baby noise” by breast-feeding or bottle
feeding young babies; with other children
keep a box of “special” toys near the phone.
• Just when you think that you can’t stand it
any longer, your kid always grows out of
what ever phase is driving you crazy. This
is how we survive as parents.
• Be flexible.
• Take time for yourself!
• Take time to enjoy your children – the housework
will always be there, but your children won’t!
• If one thing doesn’t work try something else!
• If you’re having trouble giving medicine to a
young baby, try using a bottle nipple without the
• While traveling tie toys, bottles and pacifiers to
baby’s car seat with SHORT pieces of ribbon.
• Change your baby’s position in the crib or
playpen from time to time so he isn’t
always looking at the same things. Babies
get bored too!
• Tape magazine pictures of faces, bold
designs or symbols around the inside of his
bassinet or crib to keep baby visually
stimulated. You can make you own abstract
shapes using a black marker and white
• Always bring Tylenol to the doctor’s office.
Give baby the Tylenol immediately after he
receives his vaccination. It takes time for
the medication to work and if you wait until
you get home he may already be feverish
and fussy. Be certain to ask your doctor
what kind of Tylenol to use and what the
proper dosage is for your baby.
• If your baby has suffered a finger or hand
injury fill a bottle with juice and ice cubes
and let him hold it while he drinks the juice.
The cool contact on the injured area
combined with the sucking reflex will
• Many babies detest lukewarm baths when
they have a fever. Another alternative
would be to place ice bags wrapped in hand
towels, one under each arm, while rocking
or holding him until the fever breaks.
• If your baby has an ear infection and is
uncomfortable, use a hair dryer set on warm
and direct the air into the affected area.
• Use toothpaste on bee stings – it soothes the
pain and helps draw out the stinger.
• Lower your expectations. You don’t have
to be prefect!
• When trying to wean your toddler from the
pacifier, tie the pacifier to the bedpost with
a SHORT piece of ribbon. Explain to the
toddler that he may have it any time he
wants it but it has to stay tied to the bed.
• When toilet training your boy, place a few
Cheerios in the toilet for “target practice!”
Many new moms feel inferior and
inadequate at their jobs. After all, the new
moms on TV and in magazines always
have their make-up on, their hair looks
great, their houses are immaculate and
they are back in their pre-pregnant clothes
after only three days! Since you were a
little girl, all you dreamed about was
getting married, having a family and living
happily ever after! Being a mom is NOT
an easy job. And the more children you
have, the harder it gets.
Like many new moms, you don’t want to go and
buy a whole new wardrobe. You want to lose that
extra weight! Some women continue to wear their
maternity clothes until they reach their pre-
pregnant weight! Most women are so sick of their
maternity clothes that they burn them at the stake
a week after they get home from the hospital. The
“practical” new mom resorts to wearing her
husband’s clothes until she reaches her pre-
The “practical” new mom’s
wardrobe consists of only seven
articles of clothes:
• (2) pair of husband’s shorts with an
• (1) pair of husband’s elasticized warm-
• (2) of husband’s oversized sweatshirts
• (1) of husband’s short-sleeved sport
• (1) pair of husband’s button-up jeans
The following accessories will
also be needed:
• Belts with and without buckles
• Safety pins of all sizes
• A few scarves or bandanas to add just
a splash of color!
With the proper combinations, you can
make several DIFFERENT outfits!
Remember, the keys to a successful wardrobe
are knowing how to mix and match
properly, proper placement of accessories,
and choosing flattering colors that work
well for you. Have fun; the possibilities are
A. Blessed Events
New parents are supposed to get carried
away with every little thing their baby
does. Following are the most important
developmental milestones. Be sure and
compare your newborn to the chart to
see if he is developing “normally.”
“dirty” diaper 1 to 2 days old
smile (passing gas) 1 to 2 days old
Baby’s belly button falls off 1 to 2 weeks old
Baby releases U.F.O in bathtub (Unidentified
2 days to 2 years old
Baby’s first bath 3 days to 2 weeks old
Baby poo poos in bathtub 3 days to 2 years old
Baby’s first time at the mall 5 weeks old
Baby’s first trip to grocery store 6 weeks old
Baby’s first time to church 6 weeks old
Baby laughs 3 months old
Baby eats soap 5 to 6 months old
Baby throws food from grocery cart 6 months old
Baby crawls 6 to 7 months old
Baby’s first tooth 6 to 7 months old
Baby bites nursing mother 6 to 7 months old
Baby stands 7 to 9 months old
Baby falls down 7 to 9 months old
Baby plays in toilet water 9 months old
Baby walks 9 to 12 months old
Baby east solid food 12 months old
Baby eats dog food 12 months old
Baby eats food in grocery cart 12 months old
haircut 12 months old
Baby flushes “Teddy” down toilet 12 months old
Baby escapes from crib 18 months old
Baby cuts hair “all by herself” 24 months old
Baby’s last time at the mall 24 months old
Baby gives puppy his first haircut 30 months old
B. How Much Does
A Baby Cost?
You have probably never considered how much it costs to
raise a child until now. The following statistics will help
you understand the true cost of child-rearing!
In 1960, to raise a child form birth to the age of 18 years old,
with a middle class income cost: $27,323.
In 1990, to raise a child from birth to the age of 22 years old,
with a family income of $50,000/yr cost: $265,249
In 2020, estimating using the same rate of acceleration from
1960 to 1990, (an increase of $7,930.87 per year) it will
C. Martyr Mom
When you become a mother, you have to learn how to take care of
your new baby. You soon learn how to meet his needs just by
the sound of his cry, and you continue meeting his needs 24
hours a day! It’s easy to lose yourself! You’ve got to learn to
meet your needs too!
If you are taking time out for yourself, you will be a happier
person, and if you’re a happier person you will be a better
The laundry, dishes, nurturing, cleaning and all of the other
activities are things you do, they are not you. Find something
that you enjoy doing, make time for it, steal the time if you have
to, and do it! If you don’t ……..you could turn into a
No time for yourself. You don’t know what to do with your
extra time! Constantly calling your
grown children and whining things like,
Why can’t you pick up a phone and call
your own mother?
Taking on all the housework even after
the kids are capable of helping.
Becoming a maid for life! Waiting on
everybody, and always wondering why
nobody does anything for you.
Feeling responsible for everything and
Become a buttinski, the mother and
mother-in-law that people tell jokes
about. You will never sever the
No time for children because your house
Regret the time that you didn’t spend
with your babies. Remember they’ll
never be babies again.
D. The Parental
Everyday living is crowded with all kinds of
chores and activities. When you have
children time seems to slip away more
quickly. Before you know it the day is over
and you haven’t accomplished as much as
you wanted to. Following is the “ideal”
parental clock; it shows how many hours
are needed each day to get EVERYTHING
As part of your education in parenting
you must learn how to handle a
variety of situations. The following
will guide you through the most
common of these:
Baby is crying
*Pick him up, hold him, rock him
*Is baby hungry? Does baby need a diaper change?
*Put baby in a Snuggli and vacuum the house
*Put on relaxing music and dance with your baby
*Take the baby for a walk
Take the baby for a leisurely car ride
Baby is still crying…..
-If you have tried all of the above methods and have been unsuccessful,
remind yourself that it will stop eventually!
Baby smells funny
Baby has a dirty diaper that needs to be changed (see
diaper changing procedures).
Check baby’s belly-button and make sure you have
cleaned it thoroughly.
Baby has an unidentified substance hidden in his clothes.
Check carefully and remove any suspicious material.
Baby is smiling
He has just passed gas.
He has just made poo poo.
He is thinking about making poo poo.
Baby is quiet
He is not in the house.
He is asleep.
Mommy is crying.
Call a baby-sitter or relative and get out of the
house for awhile. You have a case of the “baby
blues”. You just need a good cry.
F. Why Parenting Can’t be a
…the cold hard facts!
There is not way that it can be 50% - 50%
unless you are so wealthy that neither one
of you have to work. In most families today
both spouses work. But for the “lucky”
new mothers who get to stay at home, they
become the main caretakers.
• The following chart shows the total number
of hours the main caretaker spends with the
children vs. the total number hours the
provider is capable of spending with the
G. How to Choose the Perfect
• Knowing how to choose the right babysitter is a
very important part of being a good parent. New
parents are somewhat over-protective and very
careful about with whom they leave their new
• The ideal babysitter is at least 40 years old, has
her own transportation, a degree in early children
education, a degree in nursing, used to be a nun, is
available every weekend and only charges 50
cents an hour!
This questionnaireThis questionnaire
may prove helpfulmay prove helpful
in selecting thein selecting the
perfect babyperfect baby
1. How old are you?
2. Have you had any
- If yes, please list the dates, times,
persons involved, what phase the
moon was in, how old the children
were, the parents’ names, addresses,
occupations and yearly income.
3. Have you taken any
first aid and/or safety
- If yes, please list the dates you were enrolled,
instructor’s name and phone number, your
grade at the end of the course and what you ate
prior to each class.
4. Have you, or any member of
your family, ever been
arrested and/or convicted of a
misdemeanor or a felony?
If yes, please supply a copy of you criminal
record, including any and all speeding or parking
tickets that you have received since birth.
5. Do you attend church on a
regular basis? If yes, please
quote LUKE 12:13-22
6. Are you presently
employed? If so, for how
long and who is your
employer? Please provide
us with last year’s income
tax forms and W-2
7. Were you ever enlisted in the
military? If yes, what branch of
service and did you receive an
8. Are you now or have you ever
been married? If you are divorced,
please supply us with any and all
court documents, including but not
limited to property settlements,
custody documents, child support or
alimony payments, and divorce
9. Do you have your own
transportation? If yes, please list
the make, model, license #,
driver’s license #, and how much
you paid for your car at the time
10. Please list below, the
members of your family, their
occupations, and their yearly
11. Have you completed any
courses in early childhood
education? If yes, please list
the courses taken.
12. What do you charge for
FOR PARENTS USE ONLY!
(Please circle one)
(1) poor (2) fair (3) average (4) good (5)
(1) poor (2) fair (3) average (4) good (5)
(1) poor (2) fair (3) average (4) good (5)
(Please check one)
• ___ (1) Wouldn’t let her babysit my dog!
• ___ (2) Would be adequate for house sitting
• ___ (3) Seems to be capable but there’s
room for improvement.
• ___ (4) Would use her if no one else was
• ___ (5) I would trust her with my life!
“YOU HAVE TO SOUND
LIKE A PARENT”
(Oral Exercises for New Parents)
Congratulations, you have just
become a parent! It may seem a little
early, but you must start acting like a
parent. All the things that you said
you would NEVER say to your kids
are locked away in your
subconscious and, ready or not, they
will come out!! With a little practice,
you will start to sound like parents,
maybe even YOUR parents!!
1. Read the list out loud.
2. Read the list again out loud with an
increase in volume and tone.
3. Read the list out loud, with increased
volume and tone, while adding the correct
facial expression and body language.
NOTE: REPEAT THESE EXERCIES AS OFTEN AS
NEEDED. IF AFTER PRACTICING YOU FEEL AS
THOUGH YOU NEED ADDITIONAL TRAINING,
TRY STANDING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR
WHILE RECITING THEM.
• As long as you live
under my roof!
• I don’t care who
started it, I’m gonna’
• Your room looks like
• Because I said so!
• Just wait until you
• I’m not asking you,
I’m telling you!
• I’m doing this for your
• If you can’t say
anything nice, don’t
say anything at all.
• I’m going to count to
10! 1… 2… 3….
• How many times do I
have to tell you?
• Do you think I’m
made out of money?!
• If I told you once, I
told you a thousand
FINAL EXAM FOR
“ARE YOU FIT TO BE A
TRUE OR FALSE: (each question is worth 5 points)
___ 1. After feeding your baby, you should
always toss him around to make sure the
food is mixed properly with the stomach’s
___ 2. Your baby’s belly button usually fall
off after his first birthday.
___ 3. Cradle cap is a term used to describe a
hat that protects your newborn against
harmful ultraviolet sun rays during the first
year of life. They can be ordered through
the hospital and come in two colors, blue
___ 4. Baby’s diaper should only be changed
after it reaches the proper saturation level;
the normal range is from five to ten pounds.
___ 5. Circumcision is a term used to
describe the total circumference of the
___ 6. Baby acne is caused most often by an
abundance of chocolate in the baby’s diet.
___ 7. The soft-spot is located on the instep
of the left foot which becomes red and
swollen when the baby is hungry
___ 8. Babies are usually born elbows first.
___ 9. Umbilicus is a device used to measure
the length of your newborn.
___ 10. The startle reflex is found in 90% of
all new parents.
(each question is worth 5 points)
___ 1. If your baby’s belly-button (umbilicus) does
not fall off after 14 days, you should
a) rush him to the emergency room
b) turn it clockwise three times and say
“There’s no place like gone”
c) turn it counterclockwise three times
and say “There’s no place like gone
d) ask your doctor to check it.
___ 2. You should bathe your newborn
a) at every diaper change
b) every two weeks
c) only on his birthday
d) none of the above
___ 3. When your baby is crying which of
the following should you not do
a) check his diaper
b) every two-four days
c) every two-four weeks
d) every two-four months
___ 5. You should clean the belly-button
a) with turpentine
b) with a sand blaster
c) with nail polish remover
d) with rubbing alcohol.
___ 6. You should burp your baby
a) after you change his diaper
b) when he wakes up from his nap
c) before he eats
d) after he eats
___ 7. The average baby usually gets his first
a) at birth
b) when he’s two days old
c) when he is two weeks old
d) none of the above
___8. The average baby uses
a) ten diapers a day
b) ten diapers a week
c) ten diapers a month
d) ten diapers a year.
___ 9. Colic means
a) your baby has the hiccups
b) your baby has a cold
c) your baby has an ear infection
d) nobody really knows what colic is!
___10. When bathing your newborn, you
should always start with
a) the head and work down
b) the feet and work up
c) the hands and work in
d) the stomach and work out
• (In your best words) Describe what colic
means. (5 points)
• Name five creative uses for the nasal
aspirator: (5 points)
• Name three other uses for the disposable
diaper: (5 points)
NOTE: WE PURPOSELY WITHHELD THE ANSWERS SO THAT YOU
WOULD NEED TO FIND THEM ON YOUR OWN!!
RATING FOR SCORES:
(Total possible points is 100)
100-90 EXCELLENT – green flag, you may proceed in
starting a family!
89-70 GOOD – borrow a real baby for one week, study hard
and take the test again.
69-50 AVERAGE – borrow a real baby for one month, study
hard, take the test again, and then proceed with caution.
49-30 POOR – Call Adopt-A-Pet and practice parenting skills
on your new pet.
29-0 EXTREMELY POOR – PLEASE buy a stuffed animal or
check out a video that just shows a baby and pretend it’s
A GOOD DAY – a day where you actually got several
AN OKAY DAY – a day where you accomplished at
least one thing.
ANOTHER ROOM – often seen on “soaps”; the new
mother, already back in her pre-pregnant jeans after only
2 days, has her perfect day occasionally interrupted by a
faint whine from “another room”. In actuality the baby
is not even there. This portrayal of motherhood is the
leading cause of unrealistic expectations for today’s new
BABY BLUES – most common in the mother after
pregnancy; similar to depression believed to be caused by
the sudden drop of hormones in the blood; symptoms
include: crying for no reason, crying in the closet, crying
in the morning, crying in the afternoon, crying at night,
desire to run down the street screaming, desire to run away
and join the circus. This condition is not terminal and will
normally subside after the first six to twelve months.
BRAIN-DEAD – term most often used to describe the new
Mom after months of little or no sleep; functioning on
COLIC – Catch-all; anytime your baby is cranky or
misbehaving you can simply say, “My baby has colic.”;
what your doctor tells you is wrong with your baby when
he doesn’t know.
CONE-HEAD – the oblong shape of most newborns’
heads’ when they are delivered naturally.
CRADLE CAP – scalp condition which exists in most
newborns; somewhat like dandruff. Real attractive in
public and often the center of conversation. “Oh my,
what’s wrong with your baby’s head?!”
DJIARRHEA – the runny, brown, substance that leaks out
of your beautiful newborn during Christmas Mass.
DIAPER – most common form of elimination control for
newborns. Comes in two varieties—disposable or cloth.
Disposable are the most convenient, but by the time your
child is potty-trained you will have spent half of his
DIAPER ROULETTE – game often played by new Moms
when they are just “running to the store”. Players include
Mom or other suitable grown-up and baby. Game piece—
the diaper baby is wearing! Object of the game: make it
home BEFORE baby poo poos in his diaper!
DIAPER WIPES – small, disposable, moist cloths used to
clean baby’s genital area after he has made a poo poo.
GERBER BABY SYNDROME – every new parents idea
of what their baby will look like; causes are often linked to
the media and other similar sources.
GRANDPARENTS – the only people in the world that
think your “little one” is perfect.
“IDEAL” BABY-SITTER – at least 40 years old, has her
own transportation, a degree in nursing, a degree in early
childhood education, used to be a nun, is available every
weekend and only charges 50 cents an hour.
MARATHON HOURS – the hours between baby’s
afternoon nap and the time Daddy gets home from work.
MECONIUM – baby’s first poo poo; consistency of tar;
greenish-black in color; and can easily be removed with
MONITOR – an electronic device used by parents who
want to hear their baby cry “in stereo”; can also be used to
spy on your neighbors.
MOTHERING MOVEMENT – an instinctive movement
performed by the majority of mothers: thought to be linked
to the M.O.M. gene. The movement is performed while
standing with your feet at least shoulder width apart and
involves a swaying motion from side to side; most often
seen at church and other places where there tends to be a
lot of standing. A small percentage of mothers are not born
with the M.O.M. gene. This behavior can be learned with
the proper training. If you think you are missing the
M.O.M. gene please contact your OB-GYN for information
and further testing!
NASAL ASPIRATOR – device used to remove
excessive secretions from the baby’s nose; needs to be
washed out at least once a year.
NON-PARENTS – the world’s leading advocates on how
you should raise YOUR child!
NUK – specially designed pacifier that can become habit
forming to the parent with continued use, especially
when your baby starts crying in public and you feel as
though everybody is staring at you saying, “What in the
world did she do to that poor baby?!”
NUPARENTITIS – a physical condition found in new
parents; symptoms are different for each parent; the
mother experiences extreme fatigue and lacks in normal
brain wave activity and often seems to be confused and
unable to make decisions; the father often experiences an
added financial burden and physical symptoms include a
pale or blue complexion with blood shot eyes and the
pupils become the same size as the iris.
ONE OF THOSE DAYS – due to circumstances beyond
your control you get absolutely nothing accomplished and
you find yourself repeating the things you got halfway
done over and over again.
OVERSTIMULATED – after hours of being tossed
around, held and smothered with kisses, the baby begins
to scream, throw his body back violently and the
grandparents, relatives and/or friends, ask you if
something he ate upset him; this baby body language
means: “I’ve had enough of you people, leave me
PARENTAL HOT FLASHES – most often experienced
in church and other quiet places; symptoms include:
reddening of the face, sweaty palms, sweating above the
lip, and an acceleration in the heart rate. Causes: baby is
just starting to fuss and all eyes are on you!
PEDIATRICIANS – humans.
P.K.U. TEST – stands for pain kills you test; some of these
tests are administered at the hospital before you
bring the baby home; for the athletic mothers who like to
leave the hospital one to two days after birth, the test is
scheduled at the doctor’s office one to seven days after the
baby’s birth. Your precious newborn is lovingly placed on a
table and is jabbed in the heel with a sharp object and the
blood is pumped out of the foot until they have filled in five
circles the size of a dime. In the meantime you are standing
in the corner trying not to cry, and wondering if it’s ever
necessary to take your baby to the doctor again. Then the
nurse hands you back your screaming newborn and tells you
to have a nice day.
PREGGIE-FAT – that attractive role of fat that begins at
the diaphragm and extends down to your knees; it only
takes a year to lose it and some women claim that they
never lose it!
SCHEDULE – a ridiculous idea invented by non-parents
who think that your baby should be on one.
SNUGGLI – apparatus used to tie your newborn to your
stomach; used most by mothers who subconsciously wish
they were still pregnant; not recommended for use with
children over five years of age.
SPIT-UP – usually white in color; smells like sour milk; stains
everything; and most often found on everything but the baby.
TEDDY BEAR POINTS – special coupons found on boxes of
diapers that allow you to purchase items at a discount, but by
the time you save enough of them to get the item you want
you child has started elementary school and you no longer
need the item; or you have spent so much money on diapers
that you could have bought a dozen of them at the regular
TEETHING – another catch-all term that can be used when
your baby is screaming and you don’t know what is wrong
• A newborn baby’s head accounts for about ¼ of its entire
• In Medieval China it was not unusual for a mother to breastfeed
a child until the age of seven.
• It is possible for a fetus to get hiccups.
• Newborns cry 90% of the time.
• Some newborns have a strong sucking reflex and a pacifier may
help them adjust to the new world.
• You cannot spoil a newborn.
• Newborns can focus on objects approximately ten inches away.
• Three month old babies prefer faces over other patterns.
• At nine weeks babies prefer high-contrast black and white
mobiles to colored ones.
• A newborn’s hearing is fully mature at birth.
• Newborns favor simple linear patterns.
This is to certify that
Have successfully completed a course in
PARENTING 101: A CRASH COURSE
FOR NEW PARENTS
WARRANTY AND RESTRICTIONS: The completion of this course in no way guarantees
against or prevents parental error, may lead to the development of spoiled brats or future
“teenagers from hell”. The creators of this course can not be held liable for any of the
undesirable results listed above.