You're a wantrepreneur. You're fat and happy. You're clueless. You have no business doing a new business. And yet, you're here in Montreal, all light-hearted and warm and fuzzy with your unicorns and rainbows. Well wake the fuck up you idiot. This ain't no walk in the park. If you want to be a real entrepreneur, you're gonna have to learn how to fall on your face a few times. HARD. If you're still ready to deal with that harsh reality, then Welcome. And Be Afraid.

1. Why NOTTo Do a Startup … because You Will FAIL, Loser. Dave McClure 500startups.com International Startup Festival Montreal – July 2011 @DaveMcClure

2. #1: Yer a WANTrepreneur. You’re in this for all the Wrong reasons: You think it’s “So Fucking Cool” to do a startup You want to make LOTS of Money. You have Teh AwesomeTechnology Solution. The Right Reasons: You Live in Fear. You Can’t Get Laid. Something has been PISSING you off FOREVER. YOU ARE PASSIONATEABOUT [SOLVING] A [CUSTOMER] PROBLEM

3. #2: You are a FAT and LAZY SLOB You’ve worked at Microsoft for >5 yrs. You Drive a Nice Car & It’s Paid For. You Live in a Big House. You Don’t Worry About Paying Bills. You Want to Kiss The KidsGoodnight. You Your Spouse > Your Startup. tip: Doing a Startup is a Lesson in Pain & Sacrifice.

4. #3: You Have a BUSINESS PLAN,But No Product and No Customers. Bullshit Revenue Projection -----> (up & to the right) See: “Startup Metrics for Pirates”

5. #4: Your Idea SUCKS(and even your Mom thinks so) You Don’t Have a Working Prototype. Worse: Have Prototype, But No One Uses It. It Sucks a Lot More than the Competition. See: “Lean Startup (Ries) & Customer Development (Blank)”

6. #5: You Have Teh Awesome SOLUTION…to a PROBLEM that does not exist. See: “Your Solution Is Not My Problem”

7. #6: You’re a LOSER, not a LEADER. You Procrastinate. A Lot. You’re not Charismatic. You Get Beaten [Up] Regularly. Your Vision is usually Wrong. You’re Scared of Change. When Other People Tell You That You’re Wrong, You Believe Them. …and you’re Uglytoo, bitch. Watch: “Kick-Ass” or “Glee”

8. #7: Your Pitch Sucks & You Won’t Raise Money (or SuperAngelsCollude to Screw You Over) 50 slides in your deck Technical Jargon Demo FAIL Clueless Investors EVIL Investors See: “How To Pitch a VC”

9. #8: Your Team Sucks, and You Have No Idea How to Hire (or Fire). No Technical Founders / Coders No Design / UX / Usability No Internet Mktg (Search, Social) No Mobileexpertise No Enterprise Sales / Biz Dev No Recruiter, or They Suck… Bad.

10. #9: CoFounders& Employees =Whiners. You WILL miss a payroll. Someone WILL eat last slice of pizza. There WILL be Office Politics. People WILL discover and compare salary & stock options. Someone WILL sueyer ass: Sexual Harassment Wrongful Termination Unhappy Customer Jealous Competitor

11. #10: You Can’t Sell or Market 4 Shit. You Don’t Know Marketing. You Think Marketing = TechCrunch. You Don’t Know What SEO stands for. You Think SEM = SEO. You Don’t Know or Use Social Platforms (Facebook, Twitter, YouTube). You’ve never built Facebook or iPhone App, or a Social Game. You’ve never sent an email campaign, written a blog post, or run an affiliate marketing campaign. See: “Startup-Marketing.com (Ellis)”

12. #11: You’d Rather Change the Channel Than Change The World. Wouldn’t you rather watch GLEE or Monday Night Football? Sure you would, Loser. Just relaaaaaxxxxxx. Fuck. That. Noise.

14. GET. FREE. SHIT. rewardli.com/r/startupfest