A Screenplay by Slim Fairview Humour--Caper

1. 1
A GUIDE TO FINE DINING
Slim Fairview
Slimfairview@yahoo.com
Copyright © 2000 © 2011 Slim Fairview

2. 2
FADE IN:
EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOTS:
Series of shots showing the trendy, upscale, Manhattan social-scene. The rich
and beautiful in an out of limousines, restaurants, and clubs.
INT. UPSCALE SUSHI RESTAURANT
ESTABLISHING SHOTS
Sushi chefs preparing food, patrons being seated. Succession of chefs sniffing
the air for a strange smell and shrugging it off. Moments later, the fire alarm
rings and the sprinklers douse the kitchen. Mr. Yakamuri shuts the sprinklers
and stands flanked by two wet chefs. Introduction to main character, CHEF
AURIQUE, standing in front of an oven with smoke and sizzle, holding a charred
fish on a platter, and smiling.
AURIQUE
Perfect.
MR. YAKAMURI
What are you doing?
AURIQUE
Cooking sushi.
MR. YAKAMURI
Cooking sushi. (Repeated to chefs laughing.)
AURIQUE
Cooking sushi.
CUT TO:
EXT.
Aurique being chased down the street by Mr. Yakamuri holding a Samurai sword.

3. 3
ESTABLISHING SHOTS:
Series of shots showing an active, serious, expensive, steak house. Aurique
removing a steak from the salamander.
OWNER
How’s it going, Partner?
AURIQUE
Like tumble weed on a hot prairie. You all.
OWNER
(To friend)
This here’s Oh reek. That’s French. He’s our new cook.
Tell this saddle sore buckaroo your secret, Oh reek.
AURIQUE
Chips, Pahdner
FRIEND
Not Buffalo chips, I hope. (Laughs)
AURIQUE
Mesquite, you all.
FRIEND
Can’t wait. Rustle up some steak there, Oh reek.
Friend exits. Aurique pours wood chips onto a platter, puts the steak on it,
covers it with sauce, and slides it into the salamander.
CUT TO:
The friend is eating his steak, grimaces, and begins picking wood chips from his
mouth.
ANGLE ON
Aurique smiling. His smile fades. The owner, the friend, and a waiter approach
Aurique. The friend has a branding iron.

4. 4
EXT. GREENWICH VILLAGE EATER – DAY
Several small tables on the sidewalk in front of Die Wiener Haus. A counter with
stools, looking out on the sidewalk. Aurique is sitting on a stool eating sausage
with sauerkraut. Behind the counter is his tall, thin friend, Rammy, nibbling
sausage as he stares absently at an eatery across the street. He nods. Aurique
turns to look.
EXT. VILLAGE BISTRO
Across the street a line to get into Chez Panache has formed.
AURIQUE
Why? All I want to know is, why?
RAMMY
Why not? What I want to know is, how?
AURIQUE
It can’t be the food. I used to work there. Speaking of which--.
RAMMY
Is there any restaurant in the city where you didn’t work?
Aurique smiles.
RAMMY
No. No way.
INT. WEINER HAUS KITCHEN
Aurique is suited up in chef’s garb. Rammy is showing him the operation.
RAMMY
Take the sausage out of the freezer; put it into the
bain-marie until it thaws out. Just before serving it,
give it a toss in the hot skillet. If we need more, we
cook more. But I have enough frozen for about four
months.
The waiter, Bigelow, comes running in.

5. 5
BIGELOW
Hey, we got customers. They want food. What do I do?
RAMMY
Do what you always do.
BIGELOW
What? I been here two weeks and these are my first customers.
AURIQUE
I’ll handle it.
(To Bigelow, handing him a beer.)
Sit down. Relax.
(To Rammy)
When I open up my place, I’m hiring union labor.
BIGELOW
I heard that. I’m going on strike.
AURIQUE
You can’t. You’re not in the union.
BIGELOW
Oh, yeah.
AURIQUE
Enjoy your beer.
Aurique dishes up three platters of sausage, kraut, and pumpernickel bread. He
draws three steins of beer, and head out.
EXT. KRAUT HAUS
Three men in suits are seated around a table fiddling with iPads and nodding to
Chez Panache.
MAN ONE
…triple the ROI in, what, three years?
AURIQUE
Hock smell. Dis is dine vieners here. Eaten zee up.
MAN TWO
Don’t forget to factor in amortization. And depreciation.

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AURIQUE
Auf weiderschnitzel.
MAN THREE
With proper backing…
AURIQUE
Und here ist der beerstein.
MAN THREE
…a restaurant like that can recover its initial investment in
less than two years.
Aurique does a freeze-take. He turns and begins fussing and fluffing napkins,
and moving the beer.
MAN ONE
Is it always like that? The line out the door.
AURIQUE
Uh, it’s Tuesday. Buy one, get one free. With a coupon.
That’s how they get them in. No coupon, no free meal. I
did eat there. Once.
MAN THREE
Thank you, young man. You may have saved us from
making a very expensive mistake.
AURIQUE
Are you gentlemen looking for a restaurant to…uh…eat in.
MAN ONE
We’re investors. We’re looking for restaurants to invest in.
(Hands card to Aurique.)
If you hear of anything, let us know. We do know how
to show our gratitude.
MAN TWO
But we have strict criteria.
MAN THREE
And buzz. Lot’s of buzz.
MAN ONE

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We’re looking for the next hot trend.
MAN TWO
And a big name chef.
AURIQUE
And lots of buzz.
MAN ONE
That’s it.
MAN TWO
Now you’ve got it.
MAN THREE
This man is a natural.
Aurique beaming proudly.
CUT TO:
INT. COWBOY SALOON – NIGHT
Aurique, Rammy, Bigelow, and a new friend, Ali, are seated around a table,
drinking and munching nachos. Aurique is beaming.
AURIQUE
It’s a natural. They need to back a trend. I need
backers for my restaurant. A perfect match.
RAMMY
Aren’t you forgetting something?
AURIQUE
Are you kidding? I’ve been planning this for years.
ALI
Aurique (long pause) you don’t know how to cook.
AURIQUE
(Snorting with derision.)
What do you mean I can’t cook? I cooked today at the
Kraut Haus. Tell him Bigelow. Rammy?
(Long pause.)
All right. Suppose we say I don’t cook the fashionable

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stuff. But I don’t really have to cook. That’s what a sous chef
is for. I’ll just oversee everything.
RAMMY
All right. Now all we need is a trend, some buzz and
an actual place.
The four are sitting there pondering the question when Aurique looks up and
sees a painting of a Native American on the wall.
AURIQUE
That’s it. A Sioux Chef.
RAMMY
You said that.
AURIQUE
No, no. Not a sous chef, a Sioux chef. Get it? A Sioux
chef.
They all look up at the painting.
AURIQUE
The next hot trend. Truly Native American cuisine.
ALI
Aurique. As a bone fide member of an oppressed
demographic subset let me say that that is wrong
on too many levels.
RAMMY
Let’s see how many we can come up with.
CUT TO:
INT. AURIQUE’S APARTMENT—LATER
Aurique, Rammy, and Ali are talking. The apartment is a mess. The galley
kitchen is cramped and littered with takeout remains: Fried chicken, pizza, beer
bottles.
RAMMY
All right. Let’s say we have the trend. We still need the

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buzz. And an actual place to call a restaurant.
ALI
And, even more important, why would they back you?
They want a name chef.
AURIQUE
That is the whole idea. You see……
DISSOLVE:
INT. CHEZ PALACE – EVENING
A series of shots establishes that Chez Palace is an upscale, restaurant.
In the office the owner, MONSIEUR PATRONAT, a Maitre d’hotel, and a chef are
speaking. Aurique is serving a platter of sandwiches.
PATRONAT
We don’t have any of the buzz. Know what I mean?
Buzz. That’s how to get people in. And the way to
get the buzz is to get a name chef. People don’t
want a hot meal, they want a hot chef. We’ve got
to find the next hot chef with the next hot trend. If
not, kaput.
CUT TO:
INT. AURIQUE’S APARTMENT—PRESENT
AURIQUE
…which is my ticket into the best job in the best restaurant
in town. Chez Palace.
RAMMY
Let me see if I understand all this. You open up a
restaurant in order to get Monsieur Patronat to come
to dinner, to hire you to work in his place, so backers
will give you money to open up your own restaurant
on a trend you created in a restaurant you didn’t really
open up to begin with, and all based on your
demonstrated lack of ability to cook?
AURIQUE
(Smiling broadly)
Brilliant, huh.

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ALI
And you still refuse to acknowledge the fact that
you can’t – I know, you don’t have to.
Aurique puts his arms around Rammy and Ali and looks back and for the to each
and shakes his head in a paternal dismay.
AURIQUE
Rammy, have you ever tasted genuine native
American Cuisine?
RAMMY
No.
AURIQUE
Ali. Have you ever heard of genuine Native American
Cuisine?
ALI
Back to that again?
AURIQUE
Have you?
ALI
No.
AURIQUE
Then who is going to know it isn’t great
Native American Cuisine?
RAMMY
Okay. But what if nobody likes it?
AURIQUE
Rammy, whom do you know who would come
out and say that?
ALI
Aurique is right. It could work.
AURIQUE

11. 11
Thank you. It’ nice to know someone has a little
faith in me.
ALI
Actually, I have faith in H. L. Mencken.
AURIQUE
Who’s he?
ALI
The man who said, no one ever went broke under
estimating the intelligence of the American public.
RAMMY
Still, we do actually need to find an actual place.
Even if it’s only for one night.
AURIQUE
How much do we have saved up in our investment
fund?
RAMMY
Enough to go out to dinner.
ALI
We just aren’t thinking. If we could put our heads
together, I am sure we could come up with something.
Aurique sees a copy of ART OF THE DEAL on the coffee table.
AURIQUE
That’s it.
ALI
What’s it?
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT—AFTERNOON
Aurique, Rammy, and Ali in three-piece, Navy-blue, pinstriped suits, are talking
To the owner, the chef, and the maitre d’ of a trendy restaurant.
OWNER
I might be interested in leasing or even selling one
of my places. One of my least profitable places. But

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MORE:
that’s just me. You might have better luck. You might
have a hot trend. Better buzz. Still, I wasn’t born
yesterday and I wasn’t born stupid. You have to
come up with something to put money into my pocket.
AURIQUE
Well, here’s what I was thinking. For a deferred
percentage of the discount present value of the
sum of an annuity—that would be the base
payment—you would receive both the aggregate
percentage of any net increases on the gross,
that’s off the top, but also the accrued interest on
the deferred payments at prime plus one percent
offset by the benefits attributed to a tax shelter by
writing off any net losses against potential income.
EXT. GARBAGE DUMPSTER—LATER
The lid rises slowly. Aurique, Rammy, and Ali peak out. They check both
directions.
AURIQUE
It sounded so good when Donald Trump said it in his book.
ALI
I don’t know, big guy. I think you may have misquoted him.
AURIQUE
That could be it. Still, I am not letting a small setback
discourage me. No, siree. I am not letting this setback
send me down the road to despair.
INT. RESTAURANT—AFTERNOON
Aurique, Rammy, and Ali are attempting their scam in another restaurant.
AURIQUE
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re not going
to let me get away with some fly-by-night finance scheme.
No, Sir. And I respect that. Therefore, since I really
want your place, I will give up all gross earning in the first

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year, equivalent to both the principal and the interest on
deferred earning you’ll receive, and, in lieu of a profit in
my first year, I will defer my salary allowing all interest to
accrue to you, plus ten per cent as, a, sort of , sign up bonus.
SILENCE
After a long pause, the owner puts a copy of ART OF THE DEAL on the table.
Aurique smiles. The owner smiles. Rammy smiles. Thee is some soft
Chuckling. Then, in turn, they all start LAUGHING. The owner stands up,
still LAUGHING. They all stand. LAUGHING. The owner goes around the
table and puts his arm around Aurique.
OWNER
That’s how I got this place.
LAUGHTER
OWNER (Cont’d)
Hang in there, Kid. You’ll make it some day.
Come on, let me walk you out.
ANGLE ON
Aurique, Rammy, and Ali sitting on the ground in the alley.
AURIQUE
Did you hear what he said? That’s how he got
the place. He said I was going to make it. He
believes in me. He believes in me.
ALI
Well, he didn’t charge us for the drinks.
CUT TO:
INT. RAMMY’S APARTMENT—EVE
Rammy and Aurique are flipping cards into a hat.
RAMMY
You can’t do this on a computer.

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Pipes are BANGING, neighbors are YELLING, sirens are WAILING.
RAMMY (Cont’d)
This place is the pits.
AURIQUE
Yeah, but the great rent you pay. You can’t beat
rent control.
RAMMY
This isn’t rent controlled. It’s the pits. And there’s no
way to find out who actually owns it. Everyone I’ve
called deny even knowing this building exists. Half the
building is vacant. I don’t know why. Half the families
here don’t even pay rent.
AURIQUE
How much do you pay?
RAMMY
I don’t. I told you, no one even knows I live here.
AURIQUE
Eureka!
RAMMY
Am I to assume you mean the vacuum cleaner?
AURIQUE
No. But I do mean to clean up. I just solved the problem
of getting a place. Location, location, location.
RAMMY
Where do you intend to open your restaurant?
AURIQUE
I don’t know, yet. But I’ll know it when I see it.
Aurique charges out.
CUT TO:
EXT. RUN-DOWN BUILDING ON A RUN DOWN STREET—DAY

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Aurique, Rammy, and Ali are standing in front of a tumbledown building.
AURIQUE
Come on, you two. Let’s go in and check it out.
ALI
Are you kidding. The only think stopping half of
this building from falling down is the half that’s
boarded up.
AURIQUE
Well, I’m going in.
Rammy and Ali follow Aurique into the building. They carefully
step through the rubble, boards, garbage, wiring, bare sections
of wall, etc.
RAMMY
This is a garbage heap. The board of health will
have you committed.
AURIQUE
It’s free.
ALI
How so?
AURIQUE
We’re actually doing the owner a bigger favor
than he’s doing for us.
ALI
In other words, he doesn’t know about this.
AURIQUE
All we have to do is clean it up a bit. A coat
of paint. Maybe a few ferns.
ALI
Aurique, is this legal? Even a little bit.
AURIQUE
Sure. You’ve heard of squatters’ rights. Well,
you can’t have squatters’ rights without squatters.

16. 16
RAMMY
All right. What gives?
AURIQUE
I checked it out. Just like your building. It’s
owned by some subsidiary of an out of town
corporation. No one will even know we’re here.
RAMMY
Everyone will know we’re here.
AURIQUE
You know what I mean.
RAMMY
I just hope you’re right.
ALI
All right you two. The important thing is we
found a place. But we still have to turn it into
a restaurant.
RAMMY
All right. Lets get started tossing this crap.
ALI
Where?
RAMMY
Through that hole in the wall?
AURIQUE
Now you’re talking. Hey, leave that.
ALI
I thought you wanted us to get rid of the garbage.
AURIQUE
The garbage, yeah. Not the furniture.

17. 17
CUT TO:
EXT. LIMOUSINE—EVE
MOVING SHOT
A long, black limousine is moving through the city. It arrives at a chic downtown
apartment building. Rammy exits. He is dressed in very conservative black-tie.
He enters the building. The doorman lets him through.
INT. WOMAN’S APARTMENT—EVE
A very tall, thin, attractive blonde, LESJE, Rammy’s girlfriend, dressed in a little
black dress and heels is setting up for a romantic dinner. She answers a
KNOCK at the door. Rammy enters and kisses her.
LESJE
How did you get here so fast?
RAMMY
Tommy dropped me off of his way up town.
LESJE
Well, that finally answers my other question. Sometimes
he plays chauffer for you, sometimes you play butler
for him.
RAMMY
Oh, come on. I think the tuxedo is a nice touch.
It really is mine, you know.
LESJE
I know. I bought it for you. Still, since you were sweet
enough to treat this like such a special occasion, I’ll
pick another night to pick you apart. Tonight we shall
dine on Lean Cuisine and a bottle of Chateau Whoa!
RAMMY
(Picks up bottle.)
Whoa! Where did you ever get this?
LESJE

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It came with the apartment.
RAMMY
No, really.
LESJE
Really. I pulled down a partition and there was
this stash from a former tenant. And no, you
can’t have any for that lunatic scheme you and
your fat friend, Aurique, have cooked up. No
pun intended.
RAMMY
I wasn’t going to ask.
The two sit by a small fire in the fireplace and begin nibbling and sipping.
LESJE
Here. I frosted some vodka and some glasses to go
with this.
Rammy pours vodka into two frosted glasses. They touch glasses, feed each
other caviar, and sip their drinks. Sound of glass CRASHING.
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT—EVE
Aurique is sweeping up broken glass in the cramped galley kitchen of his
girlfriend, PATTY.
PATTY (OS)
Need help in there?
AURIQUE
No, no. Don’t come in. I have a surprise for you. I’m
just making the béchamel now. Just another minute.
Aurique takes the Colonel’s chicken out of the bucket, sprays them with Pam,
puts them into the oven, and begins the roux for the béchamel. He finishes
fabricating a homemade dinner and tosses the evidence out the window. He
pours wine from a jug into a bottle then heads into the living room with the wine
and two glasses. They sit together on the sofa awkwardly.
PATTY

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Don’t you even want me to set the table?
AURIQUE
That’s part of the surprise. I’m setting everything up
like an old-fashioned picnic. Basket, blanket, we can
put on that nature show on Animal Planet.
PATTY
Oh, Auri, you are so romantic sometimes. When you
get your mind off food. I mean the food business.
AURIQUE
I do admit I sometimes seem a bit, uh, driven. But, well,
it is a chef eat chef world out there. Besides, I am doing
it for us.
PATTY
I know, Auri. But this whole thing does sound a bit iffy.
AURIQUE
You have to have faith, that’s all. You just have to believe.
A loud BUZZ alerts Aurique to the smoke coming from the kitchen.
DISSOLVE:
INT. APARTMENT—EVE
Chic, upscale, minimalist, artsy apartment of GIA, Ali’s girlfriend. She is
responding to the BUZZ of the door buzzer. She is dressed up and waiting to
go out to dinner. Ali arrives in a conservative suit.
ALI
(Kissing Gia.)
I don’t smell anything. What did you make for dinner?
GIA
Reservations. You don’t mind, do you?
ALI
Actually, I have Tommy waiting downstairs with the
car. I took it for granted you made reservations.
GIA

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Well, this is one time I don’t mind being taken for
granted.
ALI
As long as you’re being taken out to dinner.
INT. RESTAURANT—LATER
Ali and Gia are eating at the corner table in a cozy candle-lit restaurant. Gia
is gazing intently at Ali.
GIA
It all sounds very creative, Sweetheart. But not the least
bit legal. Howe did you manage to get involved with all this?
ALI
They’re my friends. (Pause) Look, well, I mean it all
sounded so exciting. Besides, they lead such interesting
lives.
GIA
Aren’t you a bit young to be going through mid-life
crisis? Living vicariously usually means not getting
involved in schemes to fabricate restaurants, swindle
investors, make up dubious cuisine, and blame in all
on Native Americans. I’m not angry with you. Just a
little disappointed, that’s all.
ALI
Are you saying I can’t play with my best friends anymore?
GIA
I’m only saying, enjoy the fun, but learn to keep
a polite distance. A very polite distance.
CUT TO:
INT. LUNCHEONETTE—DAY
While the boys are plotting, the girlfriends are lunching. Lesje, Gia, and Patty
are discussing the boys’ plans.
PATTY
But it sounded so brilliant when my Aurie explained
it to me. Maybe you just don’t understand it.

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GIA
You do need help, girlfriend.
PATTY
It’s the boys that need help.
LESJE
Well, that is a given. If we don’t they’ll end up in jail.
Or dead. Or both.
GIA
But we don’t know anything about running a restaurant.
Lesje gives Gia a blank stare.
GIA (Cont’d)
Oh, yea. Right. neither do the boys.
EXT. KRAUT HAUS—DAY
The boys are sipping beer.
ALI
We really do have to ask the girls for help. If
we don’t we’ll all end up in jail.
RAMMY
Or dead.
ALI
If we don’t ask them for help, we’ll be
safer in jail.
RAMMY
If we don’t ask them for help and something goes
wrong, we’ll be safer dead.
AURIQUE
Yean, (Pause) but, I mean…the girls don’t know
anything about running a restaurant.
Ali and Rammy give Aurique a blank stare.

22. 22
AURIQUE (Cont’d)
Oh, yeah. Right. Neither do we.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK—DAY
Tommy, the limo driver, Bigelow, the waiter, and EVAN, a third friend, are seated
in the park eating hot dogs.
TOMMY
You know, we really ought to do something.
BIGELOW
Yeah. They always helped us out.
EVAN
Yeah. Even when they hadn’t two shillings to rub
together.
Tommy and Bigelow give Evan a blank stare.
EVAN ( Cont’d)
Oh, yeah. Right. They still haven’t got two shillings
to rub together. (Long pause) But what can we
possible do?
TOMMY
I know. I can drive the limo. You know, kind of
chauffer people to the restaurant.
BIGELOW
And I can wait tables. I mean, I might even pocket
as few tips.
EVAN
Oh, Bigelow. I am so disappointed.
Bigelow lowers his head in shame.
TOMMY
And what about you? With all your, uh, affiliations, you
can come up wit ha way to help out.
EVAN

23. 23
(Thinking)
I know. I can round up a few extras. Non-sag. To
show up for the free food. You know, create a crowded
atmosphere. Line at the door. I mean, we’ve all done
it.
TOMMY
Yeah. But that was to get on camera.
EVAN
Hey, that’s it. I’ve got a mate at NYU film school. She
can shoot the restaurant scene for one of her
assignments.
BIGELOW
But what if the people don’t want to be seen in a movie?
EVAN
What do you mean? They’re actors. They want to be
seen on film.
BIGELOW
I mean the other customers.
Evan and Tommy give Bigelow a blank stare.
BIGELOW (Cont’d)
Oh, yeah. Right. What other customers. Well,
There go my tips.
CUT TO:
INT. LUNCHEONETTE—LATER
The three women are still talking.
PATTY
Well, I’d do anything to help my Aurie. What do you
have in mind.
LESJE
The only thing we can do. Ask them how we can help.

24. 24
GIA
Do you know what you’re letting us in for? How long
have we known these guys. Anything they’re involved
with can only illegal, immoral, unnecessary, fattening or
sexist.
PATTY
Well, if you don’t like your boyfriends why do you
stay with them.
GIA
They need us, Girlfriend.
PATTY
Please…..
LESJE
Have you ever gone out with a man who didn’t need
you?
PATTY
No.
GIA
Believe me, it is no fun.
PATTY
Well, I’m sorry. For you two. But I do need Aurie.
And I am proud to say so.
LESJE
Well, the boys need us now. Are we all in on this?
The others nod.
LESJE (Cont’d)
Good. Now, first we have to find this place. Gia, you’ve
done some design architecture. And, Patty, you did
some work in advertising. And I can set up the financials.
They will need suppliers, equipment, food…This can work
if we plan our work—

25. 25
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEY—EVE
The boys are in an alley behind a restaurant dressed in Chef’s jackets,
exaggerated toque, and big, handlebar mustaches.
AURIQUE
…..and work our plan. Come on. We can get all
the equipment and supplies we really need.
INT. RESTAURANT KITCHEN—LATER
ESTABLISHING SHOTS
A very busy, very expensive restaurant. Bar, dining room kitchen, everyone is
busy and focused on the work. The faces of the boys appear in a rear window.
Bigelow, in an oversized tailcoat looks around nervously. The faces of the boys
are missing from the window. The rear door opens. Rammy and Ali are sneaking
into the kitchen of the restaurant. Aurique is backing in. Rammy stops at the
omelet chef. Ali stops. Aurique backs into them.
OMELET
Hey, what you guys think you’re doing?
Rammy looks at Ali. Ali looks at Aurique. Aurique waves a cleaver in the air.
AURIQUE
I told you guys, back to work. No breaks now. Work. work,
work.
(To the chef)
New guys. Good for nothing. Won’t last the night.
(To Rammy and Ali)
Let’s go. Back to work. Cut, chop, mince, puree,
julienne, child, allez!
The three cross to a corner in the farthest part of the kitchen. Rammy takes
off his chef’s whites to reveal a tuxedo. He takes a tray of brandies and moves
through the dining room. Ali and Aurique begin piling lobsters, foie gras, caviar,
etc. onto large silver trays. Rammy serves complimentary brandies and
picking up checks with the cash as he goes. he returns to the kitchen where he

26. 26
gets back into chef’s whites. Aurique covers the trays with domes then throw
some empty trays onto the floor. The other workers turn to look at what
happened.
AURIQUE
That’s the final straw. You two are fired. Out. And
take this sausage stand swill out with out. Out.
(Chasing after them)
And if I ever catch you in here again, I will chop
you into tiny pieces and sauté you each in his own
Beurre manié sauce.
They exit carrying their trays of booty.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY STREET—DAY
Aurique, Ali, and Rammy are walking along a downtown street, deep in through
when a black car driver pulls up along side them. The driver blows his horn.
The window goes down. It’s Tommy. (The divider is up)
AURIQUE
Hey, what’s up?
Tommy puts a finger to his lips shushing Aurique. He lowers the divider and
begins waving a piece of paper and speaking in a fake foreign language.
TOMMY
Don’t know, don’t know. Ask the man. Ask the man.
The rear window goes down and the passenger leans out.
PASSENGER
Excuse me. I’m Terry Gelhorn. Assistant Secretary of
Health. I’m to be at a meeting and the driver seems
a bit lost.
AURIQUE
Secretary? Wow. I’d love to see what your boss drives
around in.
PASSENGER
Sorry?

27. 27
ALI
I, uh, apologize for my friend. He, uh, had a contrived
childhood. Very sad.
PASSENGER
Well, I’m always happy to help the less fortunate.
But I am on the way to a meeting. Here, give
your friend my card. And please give my driver
directions.
INSERT
A business card showing Terrance Gelhorn, Assistant Deputy of the Dept. of
Health.
The rear window goes up along with the privacy divider and Rammy pretends to
give Tommy directions. Aurique looks at the card and begins thinking.
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEY—DAY
The boys are watching from behind a dumpster as food is being delivered to a
restaurant. When the driver pulls away, they come out of hiding. Aurique is in a
suit holding an official clipboard; Ali is in a white lab coat and goggles. Rammy is
in work clothes. They throw some discarded vegetables into boxes marked steak
and marked lobster. Rammy carries the two boxes into the kitchen of the
restaurant. An assistant chef sees him drop the two boxes.
CHEF
What’s that?
RAMMY
Last two.
Aurique and Ali come running in.
AURIQUE
Hold it right there. Nobody move.
CHEF

28. 28
Who are you?
AURIQUE
(Presenting card.)
Terrance G. Gelhorn. Secretary of Health (mumble)
(Aurique snatches back the card.)
AURIQUE (Cont’d)
I see vegetables in boxes of lobster and steak.
We must inspect the entire shipment.
Aurique and Ali march into the walk-in refrigerator. The rest follow.
AURIQUE
Ah hah!
CHEF
Ah hah?
AURIQUE
You see it too. Good. Better not to try to deny it.
CHEF
Deny it. Deny what?
AURIQUE
Exposure to cross contamination under the US, uh,
Inland Waterways and Mad Cow Prevention Act,
Certioriari, Fed. Supp. 303, § 195.
Aurique picks up a frozen lobster and holds it up to examine it.
AURIQUE (Cont’d)
Rigor mortis has already set in.
CHEF
It’s frozen.
AURIQUE (Gasps)
Died of frostbite. This may be worse than we
thought. Perhaps we should seize the entire
shipment.
CHEF
But we open for dinner in a few hours.

29. 29
AURIQUE
Or quarantine the whole place.
ALI
If you really believe that is necessary Dr.
Gelhorn.
AURIQUE
We can’t possibly test this whole shipment in
time for dinner.
CHEF
Isn’t there something you can do?
AURIQUE
I’ll tell you what. Well test two samples. One of
each. At random. And impound these vegetables.
If they check out, we won’t be back. However….
ALI
But, Dr. Gelhorn, isn’t that bending the rules?
AURIQUE
Actually, bending, I mean, exercising my
discretionary authority. Of course, I’m only the
secretary. I still have to convince my boss….
The chef turns away and begins peeling money from a clip.
AURIQUE (Cont’d)
And he is a stickler…
Chef peels off more money.
AURIQUE (Cont’d)
But, I’m sure I can convince him that this is
a prudent and responsible response to a possible
mad cow infestation. I mean, given the overall
cleanliness of your place. But we must hurry.
Let’s go.
(To Rammy)
You, you there, give us a hand.
CHEF
Thank you. Oh, thank you so much.

30. 30
The three exit with the loot.
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEY BEHIND A RESTAURANT—LATER
The boys are watching a driver unload food from a truck. The kitchen
helper calls out to him.
HELPER
Hey, come on in. Have a beer.
The driver looks around and heads into the restaurant leaving the back
door of the truck open. The boys walk up to the back of the truck.
AURIQUE
This is too easy.
They each take a crate and start walking away. They stop. They look at
each other.
AURIQUE (Cont’d)
I can’t do this.
RAMMY
Me either.
ALI
I mean, it’s like stealing.
AURIQUE
Come on. Let’s put it back.
The boys put the boxes back on the truck. They hide behind a pile of empty
crates. The driver locks the truck and drives off. The boys come out, look
around, grab some empty crates, put some bricks into them, and carry them
into the restaurant.
AURIQUE
(To the Chef.)
We almost drove off too soon. Here’s the last three.
CHEF
Wait a minute you two. Not so fast. (Counting the boxes.)

31. 31
You gave me too many. I ordered thirteen crates. You
brought fifteen. Take two back.
RAMMY
Yes, Sir. And thank you for being so honest.
Rammy and Aurique pick up two of the good crates and leave.
EXT. THE ALLEY—MINUTES LATER
The boys are carrying their crates. Aurique stops. The others stop.
AURIQUE
That crook. Can you believe it? Thirteen. What
a lying thief. What a conniving, lying good for…
DISSOLVE:
INT. CHEZ RECLAMAGE—EVE
The boys are in their restaurant examining their booty.
ALI
How did we do all together?
Aurique is munching on lobster leg and swilling champagne. Rammy is
examining some silver plated restaurant equipment.
RAMMY
We have pliers, silver hammers for crème brûlée,
some skewers for kabobs, Eleven hundred dollars…
ALI
Are you sure you want to go into the restaurant
business?
(Bites into a filet mignon sandwich.)
This way, you don’t even have to cook. Call it
Chez Leftovers. The customers—
AURIQUE
Patrons.
ALI

32. 32
Patrons can pick what they want from a glass
front case—a help yourself deal—prix fixe.
RAMMY
That can be the next on. If Aurie doesn’t want
to do it, I’ll do it as the Sausage Haus.
Aurique and Ali look at each other.
IN UNISON
Right.
AURIQUE
What was the tally on the last visit?
ALI
A case of champagne, four filets, twelve lobsters—
RAMMY
Eight.
Ali counts the three boys then counts on his fingers.
AURIQUE
I was hungry, all right?
RAMMY
Eight lobsters, four tins of Beluga, service for
six, eight table clothes, twenty-three napkins,
eleven candlesticks, three soap dispensers,
a urinal—
ALI
A urinal?
AURIQUE
For the men’s room.
ALI
Where’s that going to be?
RAMMY
Wherever we hang the urinal.
AURIQUE
Hey, Guys, we’re getting closer. Now, we

33. 33
can tie dye the table clothes and cut them
up into napkins, freeze the beef—hey save
those lobster shells for the stock.
RAMMY
What about electric?
AURIQUE
Lanterns. Candles.
RAMMY
I mean, for the kitchen.
AURIQUE
Ali…
Ali holds up two heavy-duty extension cords.
AURIQUE (Cont’d)
Voila!
RAMMY
Is that French for plea-bargain?
AURIQUE
(Looking around)
You know, this place isn’t shaping up too badly.
but what we really need to do is to draw up
some kind of layout. You know….
ALI
A plan?
AURIQUE
Nothing quite so restrictive. I don’t want to stifle
the creativity. Just a guide. To get the general
idea of the place for when we open.
The boys being walking around the place. They ponder the architecture.
Aurique comes across a wooden door held shut by a bent, rusty nail. He
opens it and the three walk through.
INT. SUPPLY ROOM

34. 34
The boys enter a large room with wire rack shelves holding food stuffs and
restaurant equipment.
AURIQUE
Wow. We hit pay dirt.
ALI
Look at all this stuff. There’s got to be a restaurant
fairy.
RAMMY
I see it, but I don’t believe it.
AURIQUE
Oh, believe it all right. this place must have been a
restaurant. Before they abandoned it. And they
left all this great stuff behind.
ALI
I don’t know. This stuff looks pretty new to me.
AURIQUE
Preserved. Pretty well preserved.
RAMMY
The same thing happened to Lesje. She found a stash
of vintage Bordeaux behind a partition in her closet.
ALI
I don’t know. It still looks a bit fishy to me. Don’t
they have abandoned property laws?
RAMMY
Hey, look. Real tin-lined copper pans. And pots.
AURIQUE
Pots. That’s it. Pots.
Aurique picks up some clay flowerpots with the packets of seeds still in them.
AURIQUE (Cont’d)
Pots.
RAMMY
Novel idea. Very trendy. But we don’t have enough

35. 35
time to grow our own vegetables, let alone let our
patrons sit here long enough to grow their own
centerpieces.
AURIQUE
Watch.
Aurique opens up a package of tortillas he fins on the shelf, he stuffs one
into a clay pot and turns it over onto a tray. He holds it up
.
AURIQUE (Cont’d)
Now, to serve
(He takes a hammer and whacks the pot.)
and there you go. The patron pours sauce on
in and bon appetite. I mean we have flour a tortilla
press…..
ALI
That’s Mexican.
AURIQUE
There you go again, marginalizing people. When
will you learn to be more open to differences?
RAMMY
We still have no idea what the actual cuisine
is going to be. And, no, you can’t call it Native
American Cuisine.
ALI
We could always try to Google it.
AURIQUE
It’s anything I can stick in a flowerpot and cover
with a béchamel. We can serve it on a bed
of julienne cactus.
RAMMY
Where are we going to get a cactus?
AURIQUE
Doesn’t matter. All right. We’ll use jicama.
RAMMY
What’s jicama?

36. 36
AURIQUE
You don’t know what jicama is?
RAMMY
No.
AURIQUE
Don’t worry about it. Neither does anyone else.
We’ll just cover it with some Picasso chili
powder and some, pepper sauce. Now, then.
we cover the trays with buckskins—the tie-dyed
napkins—put the pot on it, the customers sit
around the tables, smash the pots, pour gravy
over everything—boy, this is going to be so neat.
ALI
I don’t know. This whole thing doesn’t sound
Kosher to me.
AURIQUE
Look, you got, French restaurants, Chinese
restaurants, German restaurants, we even have
Indian restaurants—don say it—I mean what
is your problem?
ALI
What if a real Native American comes in?
RAMMY
Look, the only way anyone will think we’re serving
native American Cuisine is if we tell them. We
just don’t tell anyone what kind of food we’re
cooking.
AURIQUE
All we have to do is to keep our mouths shut. If
we can keep our mouths shut, we’re golden.
LESJE (OS)
Now there is a philosophy we can live with.
ANGLE ON

37. 37
Lesje, Gia, and Patty as they enter Chez Reclamage.
REVERSE P.O.V.
The boys turn. They are standing side-by-side.
AURIQUE
Hello.
RAMMY
Hello.
ALI
Hello.
IN UNISON
Hello.
GIA
Remind you of anyone?
LESJE
And this is Chez Reclamage.
AURIQUE
(Beaming)
Well, what do you think? Pretty neat, huh?
Patty starts SNIFFLING
AURIQUE (Cont’d)
Hey, hey. Let’s have none of that. You’re
just seeing it in it’s, uh, disassemblage.
GIA
That’s French for disisgargage.
ALI
Let’s not talk it down. I mean, Aurique needs
some empowerment. Dignity. To, you know,
maximize is potential and to achieve his—
GIA
Can it.

38. 38
ALI
Yes, Dear.
GIA
Do you know why we came down here? Do
you? To ask not what our boyfriends can do
for us, but, rather what we can do for our
boyfriends.
LESJE
I suggested do to your boyfriends.
Patty is still SNIFFLING. Aurique is standing with his head hung in
shame.
LESJE (Cont’d)
Don’t cry honey.
RAMMY
Really, it looks worse than it is. The brilliance
you see is in the simplicity. When you see—
LESJE
Rammy, what we have here is simply minded.
AURIQUE
No, really, Lesje. The beauty is in the simplicity.
The simple rustic fare. The simple décor. (Pause)
Okay, poor example. But it’s not finished, yet.
Still, it’s the cuisine that is really going to make this
place. Show them, Rammy.
Rammy holds up a flowerpot.
AURIQUE (cont’d)
Ali?
Ali holds up a tortilla. Aurique holds up a lobster.
AURIQUE (Cont’d)

39. 39
See?
The girls exchange glances.
GIA
If I get the picture, you put a tortilla in a flowerpot,
put food in the tortilla; cover it with béchamel sauce,
and call it Native American Cuisine.
AURIQUE
Gia. That was brilliant.
GIA
That was sarcasm.
AURIQUE
No, no. I mean, how did you know?
GIA
Well, you showed me the flowerpot. And the
tortilla. And béchamel sauce is the only thing
you actually know how to cook. And the last
part was easy. The Native Americans are the
only people you haven’t offended since I’ve
known you.
LESJE
Until now. What are you going to do? Give
everyone a tiny tomahawk to crack open the
pots with?
THE BOYS
(In unison)
Uh……
ALI
What a brilliant idea. Why didn’t one of us think
of that?
AURIQUE
What do you mean? I—
Rammy kicks Aurique.
AURIQUE (Cont’d)
Ow!

40. 40
GIA
What?
AURIQUE
Ow.
RAMMY
Wow!
ALI
Pow wow.
AURIQUE
You know. Let’s put our heads together. I
mean, with you girls in on this, it can’t fail.
Besides, it’s just for one night. Come on.
What do you say, Honey?
PATTY
Well, if it’s only for one night, I mean, I guess,
I—
LESJE
Patty, why are they doing this for only one night?
PATTY
I, uh, I have no idea.
LESJE
The boys are pretending to open a restaurant
to attract investors to a trend they’ve made up
so Aurique can open up his own place.
AURIQUE
Hah! That’s where you’re wrong. We’re opening
up a restaurant so I can get a job in a great
restaurant, so I can attract investors, so I can
(Long pause) Actually, the restaurant business is
very technical. The business side. But, hey, if you
girls can help out with the cooking and the serving,
I mean, hey, we’re golden.

41. 41
The three women huddle to talk over a plan.
LESJE
All right. We can do that. Now, just tell us
exactly what we have to do.
INT. CHEZ RECLAMAGE—LATER
SERIES OF SHOTS
The six are moving about the wreckage engages in ad hoc decorating
efforts. Spreading glue on a wall, and tossing wood chips in front of a
fan to cover the wall with wood chips. Sewing napkins, mopping, sweeping.
GIA
Illegal, immoral, unnecessary, sexist or fattening.
LESJE
No on likes an I-told-you-so.
PATTY
There are no small jobs. Only small people.
LESJE
Explain, again, why we’re here.
PATTY
To make sure our boyfriends succeed.
GIA
To make sure they don’t fail. Or go to jail.
LESJE
And to see that we get what’s coming to us.
GIA
After all, if you were to add up all we’ve done
for them, the times we’ve bailed them our of
trouble, not to mention, oh, never mind. I
truly believe we deserve something.
PATTY
Yeah, I guess.
(The light dawns. Almost)

42. 42
Hey, yeah. we do deserve something. Even
if it’s just a decent meal.
Lesje and Gia exchange glances. Patty notices.
PATTY (Cont’d)
I mean, we’ll probably end up doing the cooking. Right?
GIA AND LESJE
(in Unison)
Right.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK—DAY
Evan, one of the boys’ casual cronies, is talking to his much younger girlfriend,
JULIA. They are in the park near NYU Where Julia is a graduate film student.
EVAN
Straight up. You need a restaurant and me mates
need a bit of a buzz about their place. Come on,
Love. It’s free. The cast gets bacon butties. What
can be wrong with that?
JULIA
Um, the fact that you’re involved.
EVAN
At least scout the location.
JULIA
Now I really am in trouble. It’s bad enough when
you star talking in that hokey Beatles’ slang, but
when you try using film argot, I know you’re up
to no good.
EVAN
Please, Love.
JULIA
You already know what my family thinks about—

43. 43
EVAN
Please, Love.
They kiss.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET SCENE—DAY
Bigelow is walking down a west side street. He approaches a small crowd of
people, some waiting on line, outside a small studio. They are non-sag
extras waiting for open additions. Bigelow sees three attractive women he
knows and walks up and starts talking to them,
BIGELOW
Hi. Long time no see.
ONE
Do I know you?
BIGELOW
We met at an open all. Remember?
ONE
No.
BIGELOW
Anyway, a friend of mine knows someone who’s—
TWO
You have a friend?
BIGELOW
And he’s opening up this restaurant—
THREE
Your friend or his friend.
BIGELOW
Both. And they’re trying to create a buzz—
ONE
Hire some bees.
BIGELOW

44. 44
And I though if I could get some people to come
down and like, show up…
TWO
Do I get paid?
BIGELOW
Free food.
TWO
Why not advertise in BACKSTAGE?
BIGELOW
Not enough time. Come on. You’ll love it.
THREE
What kind of food?
BIGELOW
The hottest trend. The latest trend. Even I don’t
know what it’s going to be.
ONE
Who’s the Chef?
BIGELOW
Only Chef Aurique. The hottest new chef. He’s
opening up what’s going to be the hottest place.
Chez Reclamage. And you will be on the
permanent list. Right past the velvet rope.
TWO
Chef Aurique?
THREE
Chez Reclamage?
ONE
Oh, Aurie. Why didn’t you say so? He’s so, so
recherché. Where is it going to be again?
He told me, but I forgot.
BIGELOW
The location is a secret until opening night/
TWO

45. 45
Then how do we get there?
BIGELOW
Limousine!
ONE
(Hugging Bigelow)
Of course I’m coming. Now you make sure to
tell Aurie, and to make sure I get a special table.
BIGELOW
Sure, sure. Okay.
Bigelow leaves. The other two actresses look at Actress One, at each other,
and back to Actress One and back to each other.
TWO AND THREE
(In mime)
Chez Reclamage?
CUT TO:
EXT. RENOVATED STORE-FRONT—DAY
Dignitaries are attending a ribbon cutting ceremony at an urban renewal
project directly around the corner from Chez Reclamage. Secretary
Gelhorn is speaking.
GELHORN
So, as part of our commitment to Programmes
of this nature, it behooves me to express my pride
in this non-profit training academy that will not merely
teach young, disadvantaged youngsters the culinary
arts and sciences but do so while providing
nutritious and delicious meals to themselves and to
those in the community who do not have abundance
of what we…… (droning on.)
CUT TO:

46. 46
CUTAWAY SHOT
(more)
MOVING:
Aurique, Rammy, and Ali are walking around the block approaching the
training school where Gelhorn is speaking. As they pass the small crowd
they glance up at the proceedings but keep walking. They do a freeze-take.
They back up, see the sign, and continue walking. Then start walking quickly.
Then start running back to Chez Reclamage.
INT. CHEZ RECLAMAGE
Inside, the boys slowly creep to the door leading to the door to the training
center. there they open it quietly and creep through. They peek through the
next door. They retreat.
INT. CHEZ RECLAMAGE—DINING AREA
They are seated in a circle. They are despondent. They quietly suck on
their beers. Occasionally, they look to one another for some sort of answer.
No one says anything.
RAMMY
What are we going to do?
AURIQUE
It’s a soup kitchen.
ALI
But we didn’t know that.
AURIQUE
It’s a soup kitchen.
RAMMY
It’s like stealing from widows and orphans.
AURIQUE
It’s a soup kitchen.
ALI
You keep saying that.

47. 47
RAMMY
We didn’t know.
AURIQUE
That’s easy for you to say. But what about me?
RAMMY
What about you?
AURIQUE
I’m fat.
RAMMY
What does that have to do with anything?
AURIQUE
I can see the tabloids now. The pictures. Starving
children, emaciated, and next to that a picture of
a big, fat, smiling chef. Me. Chef Aurique. I can
see the headlines. Starving chef struggles to survive
on two dozen doughnuts a day, while widows and
orphans are living large on haute cuisine from the
local soup kitchen.
RAMMY
Yeah. I can see how hard that would be for you.
Which brings me back to my original question?
What are we going to do?
AURIQUE
The only thing we can do. Have the opening, make
it a huge success, and donate the stuff back to
the soup kitchen. What great buzz!
ALI
What about the actual food?
AURIQUE
(Eyes lit up.)
We donate the proceeds to the soup kitchen.
We turn the event into a fundraiser. This
is going to be so cool.
ALI
Guilt money.

48. 48
(more)
AURIQUE
Why not? After all, we are guilty. And I should
make restitution for what we’ve done. Can
you imagine the great publicity.
ALI
Have you ever heard of moral relativism?
AURIQUE
Yes.
ALI
Well, this doesn’t even come close.
AURIQUE
Don’t say it. This is our only way out.
RAMMY
What about covering our expenses?
ALI
What expenses? We’re not paying rent, we’re
stealing the electricity, and we borrowed –listen
to me. I’m starting to sound like Aurie. We stole
pots and pans and food from a soup kitchen.
AURIQUE
Please. Training center. Soup kitchen is so
demeaning.
RAMMY
And what about the second night?
AURIQUE
What second night? I accept the job offer from
Monsieur Patronat, close the place, and move on
to a larger stage at Chez Palace, to the gratitude
of an adoring crowd. My fans.
ALI
If there is an offer.
AURIQUE

49. 49
Oh, there will be. You don’t know the industry.
It’s all promises and apologies.
RAMMY
You’ve found your Nirvana. But what about
your own place?
Aurique produces the business card he got from the investors at the Kraut Haus.
AURIQUE
Once I get into Chez Palace, these guys will pay
anything to get me out. Which will prove once
and for all that, I can do it.
ALI
And do it without any money.
RAMMY
Speaking of which, I still have the Kraut Haus to run.
Anyone hungry?
EXT. KRAUT HAUS—LATER
The boys are seated at a table under an umbrella eating sausage rolls and
drinking beer.
AURIQUE
The nicest thing about this place is that i
runs itself.
ALI
You know, you could try the honour system. I mean,
there’s probably enough honest people in this city
where you wouldn’t even have to show up.
AURIQUE
And what about the dishonest people.
ALI
Cops!
AURIQUE
Where? Where?
RAMMY

50. 50
Right behind you.
Aurique sees two detectives heading their way.
AURIQUE
Oh, no. This is it. they caught us. We’re toast.
Road kill. Sliced, dices. Batter dipped and
fried. I’m—
ALI
We get the idea.
RAMMY
Relax, they’re regulars.
Two plain-clothes detectives seat themselves at the table with the boys. One
is plump and pleasant. the other, cynical. Aurique turns away.
RAMMY (Cont’d)
Hi, Lieutenant. Sarge. The usual?
LIEUTENANT
Double for me.
SARGE
Mmmm.
Bigelow goes to get their order.
RAMMY
What’s wrong with Sarge?
LIEUTENANT
Tough case. Somebody ripped off a soup kitchen
I mean, sheesh. Widows, orphans. How low
can anyone go?
Bigelow brings out a platter of food and puts it on the table buffet style.
AURIQUE
You know, I’m opening a restaurant in that area.
I hope it isn’t dangerous.
SARGE
I don’t think so. This seems to be the work
of a sick, deranged mental case.

51. 51
AURIQUE
Good. I feel much better.
SARGE
Don’t get complacent. It would seem—hey,
wait a minute. You said you’re opening a
restaurant in that area. How do you know
which area?
AURIQUE
Well, I’m opening up a restaurant. I think I should
know where I’m opening it. Otherwise, how would
I ever get to work?
SARGE
I mean the area where the crime was committed.
AURIQUE
Well…it didn’t happen in this area. We would
know about it. So, if it didn’t happen hear, it had
to happen there. It’s the process of elimination.
SARGE
Uh, yeah. Right.
LIEUTENANT
It’s obviously the act of an obsessed and
deranged person with a food obsession.
AURIQUE
I wouldn’t know.
SARGE
The crazy part is, it’s consistent with some
of the other crimes that are being committed.
People ripping off restaurants. And the odd
part is the stuff they take. Food, kitchen stuff,
lobster.
ALI
Ouch!
LIEUTENANT
Cooked lobster. Or frozen.
SARGE

52. 52
You said you’re opening a restaurant. You
serving lobster?
AURIQUE
Me, no. No lobster. Southwest Native
dessert cuisine. No lobsters in the dessert.
No me. No, Sir.
SARGE
Southwest Native dessert cuisine? Never
heard of it.
AURIQUE
Then I can’t be your suspect. I mean, no
lobsters in the dessert. No, Sir. Now if
someone starts stealing cactuses, well, then…
SARGE
I just mean, be careful. You don’t want to
be shut down before you open, do you?
AURIQUE
Shut down? Me? Why? I didn’t do anything.
SARGE
The thieves.
AURIQUE
Oh, yeah. Right. The thieves. Nope. No
lobster, though. Pork. Pork and applesauce.
I never heard of anyone eating lobster and
applesauce. You, Ali?
ALI
Nope. Not me.
RAMMY
Me neither.
ALI
We couldn’t serve lobster, anyway.
SARGE
Why not?
ALI

53. 53
No applesauce.
AURIQUE
See what I mean? No lobster here.
SARGE
We’ve established that.
RAMMY
Why all this talk about lobster, anyway?
LIEUTENANT
It’s like I was saying, thieves, posing as
employees, sneak into the backs of restaurants
and steal stuff—food, kitchen equipment, and
lobster. They always steal lobster.
ALI
Nothing strange about that. I mean, they’re
ripping off restaurants. What else are they
going to steal?
LIEUTENANT
Why restaurants?
AURIQUE
Hungry?
SARGE
That’s the obvious solution. No, these guys
are way too cunning, way too brilliants for
something so mundane. I mean they may
be sick and twisted, but they are brilliant. So
cool, so organized, so methodical, so creative,
so, so obviously—there is a mastermind
behind it all.
The boys exchange modest, self-effacing glances at each other.
LIEUTENANT
And the common denominator is always the
lobster. They always steal big, plum, juicy
lobsters. Steamed, broiled, boiled, it doesn’t
matter. But it’s always the best.

54. 54
ALI
And this soup kitchen is serving lobster?
LIEUTENANT
No. But the crime was eccentric. Like the
stuff they took from the food kitchen.
SARGE
Flour.
AURIQUE
Flour?
SARGE
Lard.
AURIQUE
Lard?
SARGE
A tortilla press.
AURIQUE
A tortilla press?
ALI
We have a tortilla press.
AURIQUE
No we don’t.
ALI
If we did, we could donate it to the soup kitchen.
AURIQUE
And if we had lobster, we could donate them
to the soup kitchen. But we don’t have lobster.
Or a tortilla press. Or lobster.
LIEUTENANT
Well, that’s very nice of you boys, but we didn’t
come here to hit you up for a donation. We came
for—
AURIQUE

55. 55
Clues. That’s it. You came for clues. We don’t
have any clues either. No lobster, no clues.
SARGE
Good. Because we came for sausage.
RAMMY
Good. Because that we do have. Come on,
guys, let’s get some food for our guests.
The boys get up and run into the Kraut Haus for more food. They
bring it out and begin serving lunch.
RAMMY
You know, this could have been some kind of a
scavenger hunt. You know, rich kids, debutantes,
madcap society people.
LIEUTENANT
Yeah, but they wouldn’t steal from a soup kitchen.
ALI
Maybe they thought it was a lobster press. For
making pressed lobster.
LIEUTENANT
That’s, pressed duck.
AURIQUE
Nouvelle cuisine.
RAMMY
How about poor rich people? You know, like
genteel poverty. Older people on a fixed
income.
LIEUTENANT
Sure, add insult to cholesterol.
SARGE
Of course, it could be—
LIEUTENANT
A lot of things. But let’s keep it simple. and
realistic. Some big, fat pig likes to
eat and eat and probably can’t afford it, so he

56. 56
goes around to restaurants to steal food.
AURIQUE
(Turns his head and speaks in a
high squeaky voice.)
Aurique, do you want something to eat?
AURIQUE
(In his own voice.)
Me? Eat? Who, me? No, no. Maybe just
a salad. You know me. I eat like a bird.
Not a lobster salad, just a plain old salad.
For my cholesterol. Not from eating lobster.
I was just born with high cholesterol. I’ll
just have a regular salad.
CHEZ RECLAMAGE—LATER
Aurique is pacing, nervously. The boys are drinking, quietly.
AURIQUE
They’re on to me. I can tell. They were just
toying with me. How sadistic. How cruel.
They know and they just enjoyed watching me
sweat. It’s over, Rammy. This is it. Right?
RAMMY
(Shrugs)
Nah.
AURIQUE
You’re probably right. I was too cool. I must
have thrown them of the scent. I mean, I
was good, wasn’t I? I kept my mouth shut.
I didn’t say a word. Nothing. Nada. Zip.
Zero. I was just too cool. They never got a
word out of me. Cool as a cucumber. Right,
guys? Right? Guys?
Rammy and Ali keep sipping their beers quietly, ignoring Aurique.
CUT TO:

57. 57
INT. RESTAURANT—LATE NIGHT
In a dimmed restaurant, around a round table, with snifters of brandy poured out
for all, the five chefs who’d been ripped off are sitting around grumbling and
discussing the recent thefts.
ONE
I don’t know. Thee was something real familiar
about the fat guy.
TWO
Hey, watch it.
THREE
Who do you think you are, the Galloping
Gourmet?
FOUR
You know, he’s got something. I get the feeling
that I’ve seen the fat guy before.
TWO
I didn’t even see a fat guy.
THREE
Who’s to say what’s fat? I mean—
FIVE
Look, let’s not fight amongst ourselves. Any
one of us could get ripped off again.
TWO
Nah. We’d recognize them.
FIVE
There could be others.
TWO
I really believe this could have been some
kind of vendetta. Someone with a grudge
against us. Someone who hates us.
ONE

58. 58
Why would anyone hate us? We’re all chefs.
Great chefs.
THREE
Only one reason. Jealousy. He’s not as good
as we are, so he hates us.
FIVE
What it sounds like your really saying is—
FOUR
That the culprit—
TWO
Could actually be—
ONE
One of us.
They all start looking at each other suspiciously.
CUT TO:
SERIES OF SHOTS:
In a series of shots, each of the chefs is being questioned in his own
kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN—ONE
OFFICER 1
But which one of the others do you suspect?
ONE
I never said I suspected one of the others.
Only that some of the others think it could
have been one of us.
INT. KITCHEN—TWO
OFFICER 2
Which one of you thinks it was one of the others?

59. 59
TWO
Obviously, the one who did it. To throw off suspicion.
INT. KITCHEN—THREE
OFFICER 3
Is there anyone in particular you think is
jealous of your or any of the others?
THREE
I’m not jealous of anyone. But I can
understand one of the others being jealous
of me. Here, taste some of my stuff for
yourself.
INT. KITCHEN—FOUR
FOUR
Jealous? Jealous? Nonsense. We’re all
close. We even worked with each other.
We help each other out. Why would anyone
come up with a theory like that? Except
maybe the guilty one. That’s what I think.
The guilty one is spreading this rumor.
INT. KITCHEN—FIVE
FIVE
Probably not one of us at all. But I have a
theory. It’s someone else. To throw suspicion
off himself. See, he robs his own place—for
the insurance. Then everyone thinks it’s all
part of this crime spree. See?
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE CAR—DAY
The Lieutenant and the Sergeant are discussing the case.
LIEUTENANT
Well, that pretty much clears things up
for me.
SARGE

60. 60
What? How does each one blaming the others
clear things up?
LIEUTENANT
Because that pretty much makes each of them
guilty.
SARGE
Is this a dead end?
LIEUTENANT
I didn’t say that.
SARGE
What are you saying; that they’re all guilty?
LIEUTENANT
Sure. Chef one seeks to get even with number
two. Number two, thinking it was number three
goes to get even with number three. He thinks
number four did it, and so on and so on.
SARGE
Well, if that’s true, how come no one got hit
twice?
LIEUTENANT
Do you know how many one-of-a-kind, world
class chefs there are in this city>
SARGE
How many?
LIEUTENANT
All of them.
SARGE
Now you’re just pulling my leg.
LIEUTENANT
Seriously. There are so many of them, that
no one could get hit twice. And if we didn’t
come onto the scene, this could have gone
on forever.
SARGE

61. 61
Well, at least we’re working on the theory
that is was a chef.
LIEUTENANT
Red herring.
SARGE
No thanks. I just ate.
LIEUTENANT
No, no. I mean this food thing. It’s a subterfuge.
You know, something to keep us busy while
the gang gets ready to execute the real crime.
SARGE
Which is?
LIEUTENANT
I don’t know yet. But I figure it’s going to take
place right under our noses while we’re looking
for a guy eating a lobster salad.
SARGE
Hmm.
LIEUTENANT
What?
SARGE
Something you said. I can’t remember what
it reminds me of, but when I do, I think it’s
going to lead us to the ringleader.
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEY—LATE NIGHT
Two shadowy and shady types are waiting in an alley. Aurique shows up in
a trench coat, hat, and dark glasses. He has trouble with the dark glasses
in the dark. He meets the two characters. They exchange passwords.
STRANGER 1
The night air makes me hungry.
AURIQUE
I hear Chez Palace has a great veal dish.

62. 62
STRANGER 2
I just had veal for lunch.
AURIQUE
It’s worth having again.
STRANGER 1
All right. What’s the word?
AURIQUE
I hear Monsieur Patronat’s go the in.
STRANGER 2
Yeah, but who is this really great Chef
Aurique person?
STRANGER 1
Yeah. We hear he’s like the greatest chef
since Escoffier.
AURIQUE
(Modestly)
Well, I hear that he’s good, but…
STRANGER 2
Never mind. How do we get to him?
STRANGER 1
I hear he can’t be bought.
AURIQUE
If you can’t buy Aurique, buy Chez Palace.
STRANGER 2
And if Patronat doesn’t want to sell?
AURIQUE
Buy Aurique his own place.
STRANGER 1
Think this Chef Aurique will go for a deal
like that?
AURIQUE
I sure would I, I mean, I never met a chef who
didn’t want his own place. You guys just

63. 63
put up the dough.
STRANGER 1
How do we get in touch with this Aurique?
AURIQUE
I’ll make sure that he gets in touch with you.
STRANGER 2
Right.
CUT TO:
INT. CHEZ RECLAMAGE—EVE
The boys are talking, drinking beer.
ALI
That all sounds very exciting, Aurie but I
think when the time comes, we should treat
it like a simple business deal. You’re not
selling nuclear secrets. You’re just opening
up a restaurant.
RAMMY
Speaking of which, what kind of place are
you actually planning to open? For real.
What kind of place do you want?
SERIES OF INTERCUTS:
In a series of intercuts between the boys, the girls, and Monsieur Patronat, owner
of Chez Palace, we see the divergent views.
THE BOYS
AURIQUE
A real bistro. With real food. A place that’s –
THE GIRLS
PATTY

64. 64
Totally vegetarian. Vegan. Not a snooty place
where you get—
THE BOYS
AURIQUE
Those guys with baggy pants and pointy
shoes and teeny, tiny ponytails picking at
their tofu and arugula. But a genuinely
upscale place where people can feel—
THE GIRLS
PATTY
Comfortable. A place like, ummm…
PATRONAT
PATRONAT
…mmm, like the Palace of Versailles. Shiny,
glittery, gold and silver. A place where Chef
Aurique can be treated like the noble chef he
is. With complete creative control. But
mindful of the fact that the market demand—
THE BOYS
AURIQUE
…is the least of my concerns. I want to
attract the clientele who wants a prime grilled
steak, rare, and fries, coq au vin, good claret,
food that is real—
THE GIRLS
PATTY
…wholesome and nutritious. The cutting edge
of health without being trendy. People who can’t
afford to—

65. 65
(more)
PATRONAT
PATRONAT
Spend a lot of money to see and be seen.
Those who lust for the latest trend and the
greatest food. And Aurique is by all accounts
the greatest chef. If I know chefs, and I
know chefs, then—
THE BOYS
AURIQUE
I know I’m not the greatest chef in the world.
In fact, I know I really can’t cook. But I can
come up with some simple, whole, nutritious
and healthy Fettuccini Alfredo in a thick, rich
cream sauce. The whole thing is The Buzz—
PATRONAT
PATRONAT
The Buzz.
THE GIRLS
PATTY
The buzz. And I think—
PATRONAT
PATRONAT
I know—
THE BOYS
AURIQUE
Exactly how to get the buzz we need. The Buzz.

66. 66
(more)
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT—EVE
In an upscale French restaurant, Aurique and Patty, Rammy and Lesje and Ali
and Gia are having dinner. Rammy is disguised in French attire with a fake
mustache. Ali is in dark glasses with a loud blaze and ascot. Aurique is in chin-
whiskers and Joycean hat and glasses. Aurique picks up his plate, sniffs it, and
passes it on for everyone at the table to sniff. They all begin passing plates and
sniffing with disapproval. Then they begin to offer it to other patrons to sniff.
WAITER
Is something wrong, Monsieur?
LESJE
Let me sniff it.
Aurique blocks her from the plate as if protecting her from a mad dog.
AURIQUE
No, no. That is not necessary. You enjoy
(between pauses and sneers) your
dinner.
WAITER
But what is wrong, Monsieur?
AURIQUE
Wrong? Nothing, Garcon. Rien. We were just
commenting about how much at variance this
dish is at variance with the original dish as
created by the great and wonderful Chef Aurique.
Still, this is a comestible reproduction.
WAITER
But, but…this dish was created by our own chef
and owner—
AURIQUE
Say no more. We understand. I apologize for

67. 67
being insensitive to your tenuous position here.
(more)
AURIQUE (Cont’d)
Certainly if you are not fired for failing to sustain
this charade, you will certainly be our of work
once this restaurant closes. We have shamed
you. Out of embarrassment to ourselves and
to Chef Aurique, we must leave at once.
They all stand and march out of the restaurant with exaggerated dignity.
WAITER
But, Monsieur…please—
AURIQUE
No, no.
WAITER
Please, Monsieur—
AURIQUE
No, no…
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT—LATER
The three couples, still in disguise are eating at another upscale restaurant.
WAITER
And how is everything (sneers), Monsieur?
AURIQUE
I recognize the dish, but it is not up the Chef
Aurique’s meteoric standards. Is he not well?
WAITER
Aurique? Our chef is not Aurique. Our chef is—
AURIQUE
What does it matter?
GIA
We heard that Chef Aurique is back in town. We