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Please answer the following:Have you ever had someone ask you for aride at the last minute when you werereally busy… and you gave them the rideany- way?
Have you ever had someonewant to borrow something of yours and you did not want to lend it… but you did?
Have you ever beenasked to volunteer… and you resented saying yes?
Have you ever been asked todo something and you knew it was wrong but did not know how to respond… and you consented?
Consequences of “Yes” We reduce our boundaries We promote lack of planning by others We encourage the path of least resistance Compromise self-worth
Good fences make good neighbors! Ralph Waldo Emerson
So why do we say Yes? Fear of rejection Obligation Payback Skills Beliefs
Irrational Beliefs: Albert Ellis Love and Approval It is a dire necessity for adult humans to be loved or approved by virtually every significant other person in their community. Perfect – Good People say yes! I am a good person.One absolutely must be competent, adequate and achieving in all important respects or else one is an inadequate, worthless person. People are fair.People absolutely must act considerately and fairly and they are damnable villains if they do not. They are their bad acts. It is easier to say yes than to be honest with myself. One cannot and must not face lifes responsibilities and difficulties and it is easier to avoid them. I do not control my own life - saying yes just affirms it. One must be quite dependent on others and need them and you cannot mainly run ones own life.
REFUSAL SKILLS Focus on what you will do,not on what they have to do.You do not solve a problem by creating one for others.
The Language of Refusal You are welcome to stay but I am going. You are welcome to have a party at your house but I am not willing to have one here. I can appreciate your interest but I am not willing to do that.
Refusal skills Focus on what you will do, not on what they have to do. You are welcome to … but I am going to stay. Thank you for offering but I am not hungry.
Empathy Does not assume control Validates a person Accesses the heart Opens voluntary communications
Respond with Empathy I am sorry you feel that way... You look really tired... You seem to have a lot of energy... That must be really uncomfortable Help me understand Humm... That must feel terrible...
Don’t get hooked Avoid Fights!•No problem (Go do it yourself!)•Good Try (You are ugly!)•Thanks for sharing (You don’t love me)•Bummer•I am sorry you feel that way.