Setting Boundaries     YesAlternatives!
Good Morning
Identify something you wereasked to do that you did notwant to do and did it anyway:
Identify agoal youachieved inthe lastweek andhow it felt.
One Expectation
Please answer the following:Have you ever had someone ask you for aride at the last minute when you werereally busy… and y...
Have you ever had someonewant to borrow something of yours and you did not want to lend it… but you           did?
Have you ever beenasked to volunteer…  and you resented    saying yes?
Have you ever been asked todo something and you knew  it was wrong but did not   know how to respond…    and you consented?
Consequences of “Yes” We reduce our boundaries We promote lack of planning by others We encourage the path of least  re...
Good fences make good neighbors!   Ralph Waldo Emerson
So why do we say Yes?  Fear of rejection  Obligation  Payback  Skills  Beliefs
Irrational Beliefs:                                     Albert Ellis                               Love and Approval      ...
What       givesthe rig       you        ht to s                ay,     No?
You have basic rights!   Re      sp           ec             t
The decision to say “No” Importance of the relationship Health of the relationship Long-term consequence Rational or I...
Clear priorities   require clear    boundaries
SandwichTechnique
Elements of     saying “No” Positive feeling message Negative content message Positive feeling message.
Positive FeelingResponse:•Thank you for asking.•I can hear this is important to you!•I appreciate you thinking of me.•I ca...
Negative Content  Simple “No”  Do not make excuses!
ConditionalNo’sI would be glad to help if…. I would be glad to take you to the mall when… I would be willing to help yo...
Positive Feeling :Thank you again for considering me.  I appreciate you thinking of me.If you can give me a week’s notice ...
Circumstances:Practice makes perfect.        Id partner    Id circumstances         Role play
Family       Types of request   Last minute rides/requests         Borrow the car
Children        Types of request       Ride to mall/team practiceI forgot my homework can you bring it                to s...
Friends/Neighbors    Types of requests                    Property/time              Borrow tools/clothes                 ...
REFUSAL SKILLS Focus on what you will do,not on what they have to do.You do not solve a problem by   creating one for othe...
The Language of  Refusal You are welcome to stay but I am going. You are welcome to have a party at your house but I am ...
Refusal skills Focus on what you will do, not on what they have to do.  You are welcome to … but I am going   to stay. ...
Empathy
Empathy Does not assume control Validates a person Accesses the heart Opens voluntary communications
Respond with Empathy I am sorry you feel that way... You look really tired... You seem to have a lot of energy... That...
Don’t get hooked       Avoid Fights!•No problem (Go do it yourself!)•Good Try (You are ugly!)•Thanks for sharing (You don’...
Empathetic Listening
Be empathetic:   I can hear this is important to you.   You look frustrated.   I have had similar feelings. You sound ...
THE MOST IMPORTANT      THING, IS THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING,   IS THE MOSTIMPORTANT THING!
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Setting Boundaries and Positive Refusal Skills

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Setting Boundaries and Positive Refusal Skills

  1. 1. Setting Boundaries YesAlternatives!
  2. 2. Good Morning
  3. 3. Identify something you wereasked to do that you did notwant to do and did it anyway:
  4. 4. Identify agoal youachieved inthe lastweek andhow it felt.
  5. 5. One Expectation
  6. 6. Please answer the following:Have you ever had someone ask you for aride at the last minute when you werereally busy… and you gave them the rideany- way?
  7. 7. Have you ever had someonewant to borrow something of yours and you did not want to lend it… but you did?
  8. 8. Have you ever beenasked to volunteer… and you resented saying yes?
  9. 9. Have you ever been asked todo something and you knew it was wrong but did not know how to respond… and you consented?
  10. 10. Consequences of “Yes” We reduce our boundaries We promote lack of planning by others We encourage the path of least resistance Compromise self-worth
  11. 11. Good fences make good neighbors! Ralph Waldo Emerson
  12. 12. So why do we say Yes?  Fear of rejection  Obligation  Payback  Skills  Beliefs
  13. 13. Irrational Beliefs: Albert Ellis Love and Approval It is a dire necessity for adult humans to be loved or approved by virtually every significant other person in their community. Perfect – Good People say yes! I am a good person.One absolutely must be competent, adequate and achieving in all important respects or else one is an inadequate, worthless person. People are fair.People absolutely must act considerately and fairly and they are damnable villains if they do not. They are their bad acts. It is easier to say yes than to be honest with myself. One cannot and must not face lifes responsibilities and difficulties and it is easier to avoid them. I do not control my own life - saying yes just affirms it. One must be quite dependent on others and need them and you cannot mainly run ones own life.
  14. 14. What givesthe rig you ht to s ay, No?
  15. 15. You have basic rights! Re sp ec t
  16. 16. The decision to say “No” Importance of the relationship Health of the relationship Long-term consequence Rational or Irrational fear
  17. 17. Clear priorities require clear boundaries
  18. 18. SandwichTechnique
  19. 19. Elements of saying “No” Positive feeling message Negative content message Positive feeling message.
  20. 20. Positive FeelingResponse:•Thank you for asking.•I can hear this is important to you!•I appreciate you thinking of me.•I can’t imagine the task that you havein front of you. (Empathic)
  21. 21. Negative Content Simple “No” Do not make excuses!
  22. 22. ConditionalNo’sI would be glad to help if…. I would be glad to take you to the mall when… I would be willing to help you if you will… I am not available but feel free to ask me next week.
  23. 23. Positive Feeling :Thank you again for considering me. I appreciate you thinking of me.If you can give me a week’s notice I would be glad to help you out.
  24. 24. Circumstances:Practice makes perfect. Id partner Id circumstances Role play
  25. 25. Family Types of request Last minute rides/requests Borrow the car
  26. 26. Children Types of request Ride to mall/team practiceI forgot my homework can you bring it to school? Toys
  27. 27. Friends/Neighbors Types of requests Property/time Borrow tools/clothes Cars Rides Parties
  28. 28. REFUSAL SKILLS Focus on what you will do,not on what they have to do.You do not solve a problem by creating one for others.
  29. 29. The Language of Refusal You are welcome to stay but I am going. You are welcome to have a party at your house but I am not willing to have one here. I can appreciate your interest but I am not willing to do that.
  30. 30. Refusal skills Focus on what you will do, not on what they have to do.  You are welcome to … but I am going to stay.  Thank you for offering but I am not hungry.
  31. 31. Empathy
  32. 32. Empathy Does not assume control Validates a person Accesses the heart Opens voluntary communications
  33. 33. Respond with Empathy I am sorry you feel that way... You look really tired... You seem to have a lot of energy... That must be really uncomfortable Help me understand Humm... That must feel terrible...
  34. 34. Don’t get hooked Avoid Fights!•No problem (Go do it yourself!)•Good Try (You are ugly!)•Thanks for sharing (You don’t love me)•Bummer•I am sorry you feel that way.
  35. 35. Empathetic Listening
  36. 36. Be empathetic: I can hear this is important to you. You look frustrated. I have had similar feelings. You sound frustrated..
  37. 37. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, IS THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, IS THE MOSTIMPORTANT THING!

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