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Assertiveness Training

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Assertiveness Techniques
Assertiveness Techniques
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Assertiveness Training

  1. 1. Assertiveness Training Mark McNalley
  2. 2. Characteristics of Behaviors Passive Assertive Aggressive Uses “I” Statements Fails to (or indirectly) express needs & feelings Direct expression of needs & feelings Direct expression of needs & feelings (to a fault) Depends on others to take care of self Stands up for legitimate rights Uses intimidating eye contact Does not speak up for self Looks directly at others Speech may be rapid Retaliatory responses Avoids eye contact Fluid speech pattern Voice may be loud or intentionally low Hesitant or rapid speech Calm body postures Tense body posture; may use threatening movement Tends to invite aggression from others Non-threatening to others Threatening to others; invites counteraggression Low Voice Assumes responsibility for self Blames others (does not assume responsibility for self) Tense body movements Clear, modulated voice Impinges on others’ rights
  3. 3. Fighting Fair? <ul><li>Talk about how you feel </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Tell the person how you feel about what is going on because feelings cannot be denied but actions can. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Get your point across in a constructive way by owning how you feel about the topic. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Use the formula sentence, “When you _____, I feel ____ because ______ “ </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>This simple statement allows you to take responsibility for your own feelings and behavior without blaming the other person. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Solutions can be formed by saying “I would rather/prefer _________ “ </li></ul></ul>
  4. 4. Fighting Fair? Part Two <ul><li>Take turns talking. No monologues allowed. </li></ul><ul><ul><li>You should be able to make your point in less than a minute or two. Any longer turns into a lecture. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Watch out for using “You always” or “you should ___” because they are blaming statements. </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>In mediation, draw ground rules so everyone knows what to expect: </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Only one person should speak at a time. A healthy conversation is like playing toss and catch. One person speaks and one person listens. That way everyone knows they will have a chance and not try to speak over each other </li></ul></ul></ul>
  5. 5. Fighting Fair? Part 3 (last one) <ul><li>Show the other person that you really are engaged in the conversation and that you heard what he or she said. </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Utilize the proper F.O.R.M. from </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Repeat back what the other person just said. </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Say “I heard that you said ______ and what I feel about that is __________.” </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Listen for the feelings of hurt and threat behind their statements. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Ask the other person for clarification if you do not understand what they are saying. </li></ul></ul>
  6. 6. Your Turn! And here’s the formula…
  7. 7. When you I feel because and I would rather
  8. 8. Scenario’s <ul><li>It is 5 a.m. and your roommate is coming back to the room for the 1 st time tonight. As soon as they come in, they turn on loud music and start singing along. </li></ul><ul><li>The NA that is supposed to sit after you for duty is late. When they show up 30 minutes after they are supposed to, they do not apologize but simply sit and say “You can go now” </li></ul>
  9. 9. <ul><li>You are studying for a test and the room above you seems to be enjoying a game of Rock Band (with loud thumps from the drummer) </li></ul><ul><li>You are returning to your room after class and you see that your room door is wide open with your roommate nowhere to be seen. Later on, you see him/her and decide to address this </li></ul><ul><li>At dinner, you set your plate down but go back to get a drink. When you return, someone has taken your seat – even with your food still sitting there </li></ul><ul><ul><li>For the other person – as they walk away, they intentionally kick your chair and then keep walking </li></ul></ul>
  10. 10. <ul><li>You are supposed to meet with the other person for them to help you with studying for a test. They do not show. You do not do well on that test. </li></ul>

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