I hope people are impressed by how
confidently I walk toward automatic
2 10:55 AM - 21 Feb 2012
I like to guess along while they draw
the lottery numbers, just to make sure I
don't have magic powers.
1 11:01 AM - 22 Feb 2012
I don't like when hipsters buy clothing
from Goodwill. That's another shirt that
a poor person won't get to buy at a
1 10:35 AM - 23 Feb 2012
I can't stand if a lamp is turned on
when light is coming in through a
window. Something to do with the
different colors of light.
1 2:20 PM - 24 Feb 2012
I used to think pickles were a sea
animal, what with their cloudy jar,
bumps, and occasional tail.
1 12:01 PM - 25 Feb 2012
I can't concentrate on a phone
conversation if someone is
eavesdropping because I'm too caught
up in how they perceive it.
1 12:03 PM - 26 Feb 2012
I don't like getting toys in my cereal
because that's something I paid for
that I don't get to eat.
1 10:01 AM - 27 Feb 2012
I don't know the breed names of dogs,
so I go by their most famous
incarnation: Scooby-Doo, Beethoven,
1 10:25 AM - 28 Feb 2012
I read the craigslist missed
connections for every single airport city
I pass through.
1 9:33 PM - 29 Feb 2012
I don't like playing games at carnivals
due to the high risk of becoming a
1 1 10:21 AM - 1 Mar 2012
It's not what was said that hurts me
when a friend mocks me but the voice
they use to do it. I sound like that?
1 3:58 PM - 2 Mar 2012
I pretend to be one of those hip liberals
that always leaves their door unlocked
by pre-unlocking whenever I'm
1 10:11 AM - 3 Mar 2012
I keep all my receipts in case I'm
fingered for a murder, I can prove I was
1 12:54 PM - 4 Mar 2012
I consider carpet to be a birdcage for
humans. Both allow dirt to fall below
the standing surface to minimize the
need for cleaning.
1 10:06 AM - 5 Mar 2012
I like when girls' ears poke out of their
1 8:45 AM - 6 Mar 2012
I always make sure my hair is never
over my food while cooking or eating
so it can't fall in.
1 10:20 AM - 7 Mar 2012
I wish the term stalker still meant
something. In my day, it involved
binoculars and bushes, not visiting
someone's online profile twice.
1 1 10:57 AM - 8 Mar 2012
A good way to calm someone down
you're about to murder would be to
say they're on Scare Tactics.
1 2:05 PM - 9 Mar 2012
I'm very afraid of the garbage disposal.
I'm not entirely sure those rubber
wings will protect me from whatever
metal comes flying out.
1 11:03 AM - 10 Mar 2012
Having a ceiling fan is like having a
helicopter landing in your living room
all the time. Reach up to put an arm in
a shirt, whack!
1 1:04 PM - 11 Mar 2012
I know fireworks are essentially lame
because I see parents trying to
enhance the experience for kids.
"Wowee! Ooh! Look at that! Kaboom!"
1 11:35 AM - 12 Mar 2012
I wonder if my leg hair stopping exactly
at my sockline is a coincidence, or my
socks are just pulling out all my leg
1 10:44 AM - 13 Mar 2012
I pretend to think all slices of pizza are
equal, but as soon as that box flips
open, I've already decided on my top
1 1:25 PM - 14 Mar 2012
I like the shallow learning curve of
photography. Imagine being a painter
and the worst you could do was
exactly duplicate real life.
1 11:26 AM - 15 Mar 2012
I wish I had the self control to own
food items that can be immediately
1 8:43 PM - 16 Mar 2012
I don't know why songs on the radio
are allowed to contain the sounds of
1 11:52 AM - 17 Mar 2012
I like to fantasize about meeting a
celebrity and pretending not to be
1 11:02 AM - 18 Mar 2012
I find it ironic that at a karaoke bar, the
creeps are the ones who can sing.
1 11:40 AM - 19 Mar 2012
I didn't know the Battle of the Bulge
was an actual battle. I thought it was
just a metaphor for weight loss.
1 10:45 AM - 20 Mar 2012
My urge to flood, and swim in, glassed
in showers has not decreased with
1 8:37 AM - 21 Mar 2012
Why are cockroaches included in
allergy tests? Aren't you going to avoid
those regardless of whether you're
allergic to them?
1 10:23 AM - 22 Mar 2012
Remember when your parents
accidentally called you stupid? Then
they weaseled out with, "I didn't call
you stupid, just your actions." Nice.
1 7:35 AM - 23 Mar 2012
I always hear decapitations described
as having your head chopped off. Isn't
it actually your body that gets chopped
1 10:23 AM - 24 Mar 2012
People who want a "good listener"
worry me. Are you so uninsightful that I
have to be “good” at sitting there to
stomach how boring you are?
1 11:18 AM - 25 Mar 2012
It's considered poor taste to ask
disabled people to attempt to
overcome their disability for your
amusement. Unless it's colorblindness.
1 11:07 AM - 26 Mar 2012
I like Frappuccinos because they're a
socially acceptable way for an adult to
enjoy a milkshake.
1 11:47 AM - 27 Mar 2012
I know when scientists talk about
finding life in the seas of Titan, they
mean microbes, but I can't help but
hope for a big spacedolphin.
1 11:08 AM - 28 Mar 2012
I hate seeing how deeply and
vigorously people rub their eyes and
knowing I do it myself.
1 11:08 AM - 29 Mar 2012
I can't seem to worry in the morning.
Thoughts things that kept me up the
night before are neutral the next
1 9:17 AM - 30 Mar 2012
I always count the number of letters in
a spelled phone number on TV to
make sure there aren't too many.
1 11:13 AM - 31 Mar 2012
I feel awful for people specifically cast
as ugly, like the girls in Shallow Hal.
1 10:05 AM - 1 Apr 2012
Weather alerts always read like
telegrams from the 1900s with their all
caps and excessive use of ellipses.
Only thing missing is FULL STOP.
1 12:30 PM - 2 Apr 2012
Sometimes I don't hang up after a
phone call and just watch the call timer
to see if they're being lazy and
expecting me to disconnect.
1 10:20 AM - 3 Apr 2012
I'm often afraid to read my Facebook
feed with others around because of the
risk of a chat box popping up and
what it might say.
1 1:29 PM - 4 Apr 2012
I never know who to vote for in the
shareholder annual meeting e-mails.
Seems harder to figure out than even
city council elections.
1 10:07 AM - 5 Apr 2012
I don't really know the bounds of my
car and am consistently amazed it
doesn't fall off the edge of narrow
roads or clip bumpers as I park.
1 7:49 AM - 6 Apr 2012
I think it's tacky when people "forget"
to take off their employee badges
when going out in public.
1 9:43 AM - 7 Apr 2012
When my foot is off the brake at a light,
I can feel the car drifting both forwards
and backwards, even though I'm sure
it's not moving.
1 10:40 AM - 8 Apr 2012
The sound of me being injured in the
shower will be significantly louder than
dropping the soap. No need to check
on me in the latter case.
1 5:05 PM - 9 Apr 2012
If someone borrows money from me
and doesn't pay it back, I judge their
every action on Facebook. "Eating
out? Could've paid me back twice."
1 11:18 AM - 10 Apr 2012
Isn't it presumptuous to call a
magazine Better Homes & Gardens?
Doesn't that imply they're all better
1 11:19 AM - 11 Apr 2012
I don't use the five-second rule
because it's not the germs that bother
me but the dirt and debris. Those don't
delay ruining floor candy.
1 10:21 AM - 12 Apr 2012
If a photo exists of someone with
African children, you can be damn sure
it'll make it to their Facebook profile
1 1:41 PM - 13 Apr 2012
Don't seat me right next to the only
other occupied table. The whole
restaurant is empty.
1 10:11 AM - 14 Apr 2012
Recycling almost makes me feel okay
about the dozens of cardboard boxes
I've accumulated from buying
shampoo and cereal on Amazon.
1 12:01 PM - 15 Apr 2012
Sometimes, I'll shower with the lights
1 10:02 AM - 16 Apr 2012
The spammier and phonier mail is, the
more it tries to convince you otherwise.
"Tampering with mail is illegal! Time
1 11:08 AM - 17 Apr 2012
I won't sign up for a web site if my
desired username is unavailable.
1 12:19 PM - 18 Apr 2012
When traveling the USA, the only real
reminder I'm far from home is the
mismatched TV affiliate numbers.
NBC-2? FOX16? Very unnerving.
1 2:35 PM - 19 Apr 2012
When the commercials are in 5.1 but
the show isn't, I'm angry at the
commercials when I should be angry at
1 5:06 PM - 20 Apr 2012
I feel foods that offer a resealing tab
are saying they shouldn't be eaten in
one sitting, but I doubt Junior Mints are
ever left for later.
1 12:07 PM - 21 Apr 2012
How come scripted TV static in shows
and movies always looks so fake?
Can't they just record some real static
while fiddling with wires?
1 2:31 PM - 22 Apr 2012
I think I may be the only one who
doesn't have strong feelings, positive
or negative, about Facebook or Twitter.
1 2:18 PM - 23 Apr 2012
If anything is going to make me late in
the morning, it is invariably an
1 11:36 AM - 24 Apr 2012
My generation is ill-equipped to handle
needles in new and dry cleaned
clothing. It just seems dangerous and
1 11:34 AM - 25 Apr 2012
The question isn't so much "Do I want
popcorn?" I like popcorn. It's "Do I feel
like digging husk from under my gums
for the next two days?"
1 11:21 AM - 26 Apr 2012
Instead of high schoolers taking home
a fake baby, let's try sending them
home with some old NiCd batteries to
keep healthy and memory-free.
2 2:31 PM - 27 Apr 2012
I like how the shell of Klondike and
Magnum ice cream bars collects in my
mouth for enjoyment when the ice
cream is finished.
1 2:02 PM - 28 Apr 2012
I don't understand the need to clean
up water when it's spilled at home. It
dries completely and cleanly on its
1 10:47 AM - 29 Apr 2012
Whenever someone with a bashed up
car makes a bad traffic maneuver, I
can’t help but judgmentally think,
"That's how you got those dents."
1 11:13 AM - 30 Apr 2012
Adding someone on Facebook and
finding out they used to be fat from old
photos feels like uncovering a dark,
1 10:45 AM - 1 May 2012
None of the brass instruments impress
me because their sound can be
exactly duplicated by raspberries on
various parts of the body.
1 11:44 AM - 2 May 2012
Nothing says a startup has failed quite
like mopey "You haven't logged in in a
1 1:43 PM - 3 May 2012
I'm certain that if I had a complete
physical they'd find something horribly
1 2:18 PM - 4 May 2012
Around town, I wonder how travelers
imagine our lives based on our exits,
the way I imagine their lives based on
their exits when I travel.
1 11:01 AM - 5 May 2012
Every so often something so great
happens I want to go back and tell
depressed high school me, "Stick
around, this'll happen."
1 2 12:07 PM - 6 May 2012
I spend a lot of time tracking and trying
to get rid of obscure gift certificates
and rebate cards.
1 2:31 PM - 7 May 2012
I like when newscasters pretentiously
switch accents when pronouncing
foreign city names.
1 1 12:03 PM - 8 May 2012
Who are all these people who get on
the interstate and then immediately get
back off again at the very next exit?
1 10:05 AM - 9 May 2012
I sit while people stand in line for the
gate at the airport but still feel
compelled to jump in line as if I could
get left behind.
1 2:09 PM - 10 May 2012
I'm not all that excited by instant-on
streaming video. I'd rather wait for it to
load than risk even one interrupting
1 12:03 PM - 11 May 2012
When missing a deadline at work, the
schoolkid in me sometimes wants to
ask, "Am I in trouble?"
1 1:53 PM - 12 May 2012
I can hate someone just from seeing
how they drive.
1 1:46 PM - 13 May 2012
On vacation, I feel like we're all playing
chicken with each other. We'd rather
sit around but we have to pretend to
want to do stuff.
1 4:26 PM - 14 May 2012
Not only is Jello made of cow bone
slurry, it also has the texture of a
jellyfish, which most people won't even
1 12:27 PM - 15 May 2012
Whether I'm on business or pleasure,
every night I spend away from home I
take a long bath.
1 11:21 AM - 16 May 2012
When on a guided tour, I can't help but
multiply the rate by the number of
customers to determine how much the
guide is making.
1 11:26 AM - 17 May 2012
I learned many years ago never to rest
my elbow on the armrest in a car while
scratching my eye.
1 8:12 PM - 18 May 2012
If you eat an airline meal with your
earplugs in, it feels like worms are
burrowing into your brain.
1 5:15 PM - 19 May 2012
I wonder if the intense partying at
bachelor(ette) parties is designed to be
miserable to create a final aversion to
freedom and debauchery.
1 5:23 PM - 20 May 2012
When visiting a sick friend at the
hospital, I try to humanize them to the
staff with personal details as if they're
1 3:35 PM - 21 May 2012
The more artifically humble a bio is, the
more accomplished its author thinks
he is. "I review patents. Also came up
with a neat theory."
1 11:22 AM - 22 May 2012
I pretend not to have seen a movie if I
thought it sucked and someone just
said they liked it.
1 12:52 PM - 23 May 2012
I have no sympathy for businesses or
even entire industries whose business
models are obsoleted by a new
1 4:03 PM - 24 May 2012
When dating someone significantly
shorter, the perpetual anxiety that the
first kiss could happen at any moment
1 10:53 AM - 25 May 2012
Stats like "Americans eat 4 billion
pounds of cheese a year" are
meaningless to me. Do the division.
Tell me how much one person eats a
1 1:23 PM - 26 May 2012
Due to careful stacking of washed
utensils, it's possible the bottom
spoons and forks in my drawer have
never been used.
1 12:37 PM - 27 May 2012
I don't often put in a movie due to the
commitment involved. If it comes on
TV, though, that's a different story.
1 9:21 PM - 28 May 2012
I can't stand B&W TV shows or
movies. I can't even stand other color
schemes like Technicolor.
1 5:00 PM - 29 May 2012
I carefully fold my keys before putting
them in my pocket so they're not
jutting every which way.
1 11:29 AM - 30 May 2012
Feel-good daytime talk shows seem
normal, until a cut to applause shots of
the audience. The lifeless expressions
suggest something's amiss.
1 7:56 PM - 31 May 2012
Statistically, I should guess right half
the time, but when fitting bed sheets, I
always match one's long edge with the
other's short edge.
1 11:59 AM - 1 Jun 2012
I wish web sites had a login option that
said "I'm not a homeless person at a
library. I own a computer. Keep me
logged in forever."
1 1 10:43 AM - 2 Jun 2012
I wish sunscreen didn't save its
waterproofing powers for when I'm
trying to remove it in the shower at the
end of the day.
1 11:21 AM - 3 Jun 2012
I know it's time to trim my toenails
when one toe's nail begins cutting into
the adjacent toe.
1 8:03 AM - 4 Jun 2012
I think they got it backwards. I always
thought Mr. Ed sounded more like a
human name and Wilbur more like a
1 9:39 AM - 5 Jun 2012
I've had so many scammy experiences
with inkjet printers that I hate inkjet
technology in general rather than the
1 4:21 PM - 6 Jun 2012
When I sit down to eat in front of the
TV, commercials come on. When I
finish eating, the show returns.
1 10:11 AM - 7 Jun 2012
I feel very accomplished when I finish a
milk jug just before it's going to expire.
1 3:55 PM - 8 Jun 2012
Hiding your past to keep your children
from repeating it always ensures that
1 1:00 PM - 9 Jun 2012
I'm sick of TiVo ad-skippers and
Internet-only TV watchers acting like
Martians every time an ad comes on.
"How weird, a commercial!"
1 12:44 PM - 10 Jun 2012
Every red "alarm will sound" barrier on
a door is a lie. You can open any of
them without consequence. Your
friends may panic, though.
1 1 10:10 AM - 11 Jun 2012
When I hear of a shooting, even one
block away, I draw an imaginary line
between it and my home and call it
another "area" so I feel safe.
1 1 8:56 AM - 12 Jun 2012
At self-serve frozen yogurt places, I'm
very conscious of the taste-to-weight
ratio of toppings. Not wasting money
on heavy, unsugary fruit.
1 12:46 PM - 13 Jun 2012
That horrible feeling of watching what's
obviously your food be delivered to the
1 7:43 AM - 14 Jun 2012
I don't get research papers. The goal is
to combine and reword many sources
and pretend it's your own work but
copying exactly is forbidden?
1 10:00 AM - 15 Jun 2012
I can't help but look for reflections of
the camera in peoples' eyeglasses in
1 11:35 AM - 16 Jun 2012
I don't mind rappers boasting when it's
earned, but copying a song and then
talking over it about how musically
gifted you are seems ironic.
1 10:47 AM - 17 Jun 2012
I find time-outs too cruel to use on
children. Time-outs are the punishment
they use on you in prison when you're
already in prison!
1 10:37 AM - 18 Jun 2012
I never cared for teachers pretending
to figure something out with us when
they were really just playing a game of
"guess what I'm thinking"
1 6:27 PM - 19 Jun 2012
If everyone gets the same glowing
eulogy at death regardless of whether
they were a jerk, how will we know
when actual good people die?
1 9:16 AM - 20 Jun 2012
In America, having more cars more
often signals hardship than prosperity.
Over 5 in the yard and you may want
to stop and offer canned food.
1 8:51 AM - 21 Jun 2012
Thanks for noticing I lost weight, but I
don't know who you are and I'm sure
we've never spoken before.
1 9:11 AM - 22 Jun 2012
My favorite candies are the hard
sugary letters used to spell happy
birthday on your cake.
1 4:38 PM - 23 Jun 2012
On most issues, I either have no
opinion at all or an opinion so out of
the mainstream it can't be politely
1 11:17 AM - 24 Jun 2012
Every concert I attend, the band
somehow weasels out of playing their
all-time most popular song.
1 11:41 AM - 25 Jun 2012
I suspect people who post pictures of
their car's thermometer showing how
hot it is just do it to brag that their car
has a thermometer.
2 9:14 AM - 26 Jun 2012
Unless I start creating garbage a lot
faster than I buy groceries, this bag
collection is only going to get bigger.
1 10:00 AM - 27 Jun 2012
I suspect the fatherly wisdom of next
generation will be how to get what you
want from customer service rather
building or fixing things.
1 7:51 AM - 28 Jun 2012
Waking up on the half hour throws me
off. Don't know if I'm hitting my getting
ready milestones on time. Brush teeth
by :15, shower by :30?
1 9:03 AM - 29 Jun 2012
I don't know why you'd bother suction
cupping things to the shower or
bathroom mirror. You might as well be
pulling the pin on a grenade.
1 10:31 AM - 30 Jun 2012
I must have a small mouth, because I
always have to look for that one
normal sized spoon among all the
huge ones in the drawer.
1 11:08 AM - 1 Jul 2012
The best thing about visiting home is
rifling through old drawers,
remembering my childhood one trinket
at a time.
1 9:58 AM - 2 Jul 2012
Showering sometimes makes me so
thirsty I'll turn off the hot at the end and
1 9:25 AM - 3 Jul 2012
I always try to order a beer at "family"
diners that don't serve to show them
I'm not intimidated by their attempt to
shame me for drinking.
1 11:03 AM - 4 Jul 2012
I suspect the real reason drunk driving
is dangerous isn't because it impairs
reflexes or attention but because it
impairs fear of death.
1 9:54 AM - 5 Jul 2012
A good litmus of whether you're fat is if
you can sit on the remote without
1 8:24 AM - 6 Jul 2012
Telling me more tickling could result in
urination doesn't encourage me to
stop. It does just the opposite.
1 2:18 PM - 7 Jul 2012
The anticipation of waiting for ordered
pizza to arrive is far more intense than
it should be.
1 9:28 AM - 8 Jul 2012
If you mention Facebook and hear "I
have one but I don't use it" that
actually means "If you search, you'll
find me, but I won't add you."
1 12:10 PM - 9 Jul 2012
Reaching old age is no longer the
accomplishment it was, so I think it's
time we stopped giving old people
extra respect just for being old.
1 4:40 PM - 10 Jul 2012
It's comforting to see songs I
"discover" eventually make the top 40.
That lets me know probably very little
good stuff is getting lost.
1 3:31 PM - 11 Jul 2012
I like songs better when I can't quite
make out the lyrics. Probably why I like
a lot of foreign music too.
1 9:01 AM - 12 Jul 2012
I can't help but feel something is amiss
when the travel expenses on a
business trip amount to more than my
1 12:58 PM - 13 Jul 2012
When picking a restaurant with friends,
there's always one I dance around and
secretly want them to bring up, so they
think it's their idea.
1 12:41 PM - 14 Jul 2012
I don't do well at McKay because I find
the customers more interesting than
the books. Characters welcome.
2 3:01 PM - 15 Jul 2012
I researched something I want to buy
online. Now I have to look at ads
related to it for the next month.
1 9:59 AM - 16 Jul 2012
It's been a while since I bought a CD
and forced myself to listen to the filler
songs so I didn't feel like I spent $15
for their one hit.
1 6:54 PM - 17 Jul 2012
Candy flavors like watermelon taste
nothing like a real watermelon. They all
taste like each other--what we've
learned to call "watermelon."
1 12:19 PM - 18 Jul 2012
It's unsettling how strongly cereal
glues to the bowl when it's left in the
sink for just a few hours.
1 8:26 AM - 19 Jul 2012
Every so often I’ll "check" and find that
my eyebrows are raised for no
apparent reason and probably have
been for some time.
1 1:53 PM - 20 Jul 2012
I'm starting to wonder if Twitter is only
popular because people see it as a
way to potentially be noticed by
1 2:07 PM - 21 Jul 2012
UFC is the result of taking all the fake
stuff out of wrestling. It appears,
however, that the fake stuff was also
the entertaining stuff.
1 11:02 AM - 22 Jul 2012
It's presumptuous when old people
who knew me as a child try to hold
that over my head as if that entitles
them to some familiarity now.
1 12:17 PM - 23 Jul 2012
If human hands are at all involved in
retrieving ice for my drink, I'd rather go
1 7:53 AM - 24 Jul 2012
I find it narcissistic when Podunk
towns associate themselves with
national news by finding a victim’s
brother’s cousin who lives here.
1 11:21 AM - 25 Jul 2012
Why don't houses or apartments have
urinals? Only public places get such a
luxury? If I buy a home I'm putting one
1 2:29 PM - 26 Jul 2012
I must like runners because whenever I
Google girls I like, all I find are race
1 12:08 PM - 27 Jul 2012
I always walk back into the kitchen
moments before the microwave dings.
It's my superpower.
1 1 6:49 PM - 28 Jul 2012
Clothing feels a lot like sandpaper with
1 1:30 PM - 29 Jul 2012
The last popcorn pop on the Regal
train always startles me.
2 9:46 AM - 30 Jul 2012
I can’t believe Gold Bond "medicated
powder" is still sold. Is that for old
people who don't like these
newfangled creams and ointments?
1 6:07 PM - 31 Jul 2012
I remember the number value of the TV
volume setting I prefer so I can
determine if I'm slowly going deaf.
1 12:54 PM - 1 Aug 2012
It starts out as a game, but after the
first clawing, getting your feet out of
the covers with the cat watching
becomes serious business.
1 10:12 AM - 2 Aug 2012
I wonder how many suicidal people are
only sticking around for upcoming
episodes of their favorite TV shows.
1 10:34 AM - 3 Aug 2012
Sunburns help my complexion
because my face is too burned to pick
at and scratch.
1 2:44 PM - 4 Aug 2012
I recover from a nightmare by
remembering it and realizing it's not
real--it didn't happen. If I don't
remember it, how can I recover?
1 11:33 AM - 5 Aug 2012
I avoid stopping under bridges at traffic
lights so I don't lose satellite radio
1 6:40 PM - 6 Aug 2012
When I was a kid I was thrilled to ride
in the back seat with a girl I liked. The
faster we went, the more sharp turns
squeezed us together.
1 7:59 PM - 7 Aug 2012
Sometimes I'll quickly end a
conversation with someone I like
because dragging it out only gives me
more opportunity to screw up.
1 10:48 AM - 8 Aug 2012
I opened the hood of my first car
thinking, "I'll learn what's inside and
how to fix it" only to find a single
sealed shiny Japanese thing.
1 7:58 PM - 9 Aug 2012
Whenever I see a beautiful woman
smoking, I can't help but think, "How
hard can your life be, looking that
good, that you need to smoke?"
1 11:19 AM - 10 Aug 2012
I'm not impressed with made up lyrics
to "Call Me Maybe." It's crazy and
maybe that rhyme, so you can put in
any non-rhyming words yourself.
1 11:10 AM - 11 Aug 2012
Hope it was worth saving that 2%
merchant fee to lose me as a
customer. If you don't take credit, I'm
1 10:22 AM - 12 Aug 2012
My preferred shower towel fell on the
floor. Now I have to use a different one
until it's washed. It's more unpleasant
than it sounds.
1 10:23 AM - 13 Aug 2012
When I wake up naturally, the day is on
my terms. I would never voluntarily
choose to wake up to a buzzing noise.
Someone's making me.
1 10:37 AM - 14 Aug 2012
Driving around town with the previous
generation is annoying because they
can't shut up about how "all this used
to be farmland."
1 11:35 AM - 15 Aug 2012
I'm not one to delete numbers from my
phone. Enemies' numbers are the
most important to have, so their calls
aren't accidentally answered.
1 1 10:43 AM - 16 Aug 2012
It would've been far less suspenseful if
dying in The Matrix meant they just
had to take the brain spike out, blow
on it, and put it back in
1 11:07 AM - 17 Aug 2012
Maid service is one of the few jobs for
which I'd prefer to hire someone
mentally ill. Obsessive-compulsive,
2 1:55 PM - 18 Aug 2012
I like how if I take a girl to the
symphony, I get credit for composing
the music. I'm just a jerk who walked
into a room at the right time.
1 2:37 PM - 19 Aug 2012
When hearing a story involving a
death, I always ask how they died. It's
selfish, but I want to make sure I’m not
doing anything they did.
1 2:30 PM - 20 Aug 2012
Today an unrecognized number called
and didn't leave a message. I couldn't
handle the suspense of not knowing
who or why and called back.
1 6:33 PM - 21 Aug 2012
Whenever I pull a muscle in my neck,
I'm reminded of how operating a head
is a lot like operating a crane. There is
some finesse required.
1 11:34 AM - 22 Aug 2012
I get my hair cut every 6 weeks.
However, if there's an event coming up
or I'm meeting a model, I've been
known to move it up to 5 weeks.
1 11:52 AM - 23 Aug 2012
Furniture stores are one of the few
businesses that are actually proud to
1 4:18 PM - 24 Aug 2012
Even though it's the less masculine
position, I prefer to be the bottom arms
in a hug.
1 11:25 AM - 25 Aug 2012
Whenever I see people laughing in my
rear-view mirror, I always worry it's
somehow at my expense.
1 1:03 PM - 26 Aug 2012
I remember a distinct jumping phase in
my childhood when the temptation to
jump down a flight of stairs or over a
couch was overwhelming.
1 12:02 PM - 27 Aug 2012
Not knowing much history makes
documentaries a lot more suspenseful.
"Will it be Dewey or Truman? I can’t
wait to find out!"
1 10:24 AM - 28 Aug 2012
The constant panic of refueling and
spending of time in Timberlake's "In
Time" reminds me of my relationship
with charging my cell phone.
1 10:35 AM - 29 Aug 2012
I know the branding department did a
good job when I can tell the company
from the font alone and no other hints.
1 11:06 AM - 30 Aug 2012
Only after I strip off my sheets to do
wash do I get the urge to take a nap. I
want what I can't have.
1 2:14 PM - 31 Aug 2012
I now know enough people that I have
to look decent every time I go out
because I'm probably going to run into
1 1 1:00 PM - 1 Sep 2012
If a girl with glasses likes me, I worry
she doesn't know how I really look.
Who isn't more attractive blurry?
1 12:34 PM - 2 Sep 2012
I know babies cry a lot, but when I see
a baby crying in a movie, it disturbs me
to know that they may have "made" it
1 8:52 PM - 3 Sep 2012
I am now slim enough that people can
safely accuse me of pigging out at a
meal without committing a faux pas.
1 6:10 PM - 4 Sep 2012
When I move my hands while talking, I
forget that you can’t see the graphs
and shapes I imagine filling the air
around my fingers.
1 3:16 PM - 5 Sep 2012
I wish watermelon juice existed. Surely
that burst of flavor when biting into an
especially red piece can be captured in
1 4:49 PM - 6 Sep 2012
I don't like going to restaurants, on
vacation, or really anywhere alone. I
need a sidekick.
2 3:26 PM - 7 Sep 2012
I never found the whole Geico
caveman thing funny in the least.
1 6:33 PM - 8 Sep 2012
I change channels forever in bed only
to roll over and fall asleep the second
I've picked out a watchable TV show.
1 1:58 PM - 9 Sep 2012
After waking, it takes me too long to
realize dreams didn't happen. "How
did I get back from Mars? I don’t
remember the space shuttle ride."
1 4:02 PM - 10 Sep 2012
It seems the shaving cream can has an
infinite supply if you're willing to wait. It
just comes out infinitely slowly toward
1 11:06 PM - 11 Sep 2012
At birthday parties, I have a pre-
candle-blowing powwow with the
birthday person to coach them on
blowing air rather than spit at the cake.
1 4:25 PM - 12 Sep 2012
I don't use a phone case because it
negates literally millions of dollars of
engineering spent making the phone
as thin as it is.
1 12:05 PM - 13 Sep 2012
One of the only reasons I can think of
for having a house is so neighbors
can't judge me for listening to the
same song four times in a row.
1 1 7:34 PM - 14 Sep 2012
I know something is really good when
instead of being impressed, I wonder
why it wasn't invented before.
1 7:55 PM - 15 Sep 2012
Whenever I have to yell to someone far
away, everyone but that person hears
1 1 4:16 PM - 16 Sep 2012
When I see a bug crawling on the wall,
I should go after it, but instead I usually
just slide my bed a little farther away
from the wall.
1 2:04 PM - 17 Sep 2012
When local news shows us a web site,
I like to peek at the top of the browser
instead to see their other tabs and
2 8:08 PM - 18 Sep 2012
I find it tedious when the main
character has to be convinced to do
something required for there to be a
show. Just take the case, Mr. Monk!
1 1:57 PM - 19 Sep 2012
Once I think I hear my phone ring in the
shower, the whole remainder of the
shower is nothing but phantom phone
1 12:48 PM - 20 Sep 2012
A good way to freak me out would be
to say that forgetting whether you've
washed your hair in the shower is a
sign of losing one's mind.
1 3:51 PM - 21 Sep 2012
I didn't appreciate the power of peer
pressure until I was forced to eat a fork
tine by 3 girls. No one stuck up for my
right to not eat it.
2 3 11:05 AM - 22 Sep 2012
I wish a social norm existed saying 5
years after a friend/relationship ends,
you’re expected to be truthful about
what went wrong if asked.
1 12:55 PM - 23 Sep 2012
I can't help but lose all respect for
someone who hasn't noticed that
double clicking is excessive when
following links on the Internet.
1 3:17 PM - 24 Sep 2012
I'm glad bugs don't have internal
skeletons. It would be a lot creepier to
find a tiny row of ribs and pelvis where
1 4:33 PM - 25 Sep 2012
I want to learn braille so I can read
what elevator and office signs are really
saying. They never have enough letters
for the actual text.
1 12:47 PM - 26 Sep 2012
Having a convertible is
acknowledgement that humans are no
different from dogs and just want to
stick their head out the window on a
1 12:43 PM - 27 Sep 2012
It worries me that my enemies are
probably just as motivated by "Lose
Yourself" as I am. It would worry me
even more if I played sports.
1 7:31 PM - 28 Sep 2012
As a kid, I couldn't understand why
wrapping pipe cleaners around the
pipes under the sink and rubbing
wouldn't magically clean them.
1 6:02 PM - 29 Sep 2012
I'm not sure why, but I want to go to
the weddings I'm not invited to and
don't want to go to the ones I am
1 11:25 AM - 30 Sep 2012
If you find your hottest Facebook
friend, then find her hottest friend in
her group pictures, and so on, soon
you'll want to kill yourself.
2 4:15 PM - 1 Oct 2012
The expiration year on batteries always
seems so far in the future. Then the
next time you look at them it's passed.
1 4:31 PM - 2 Oct 2012
It takes me out of the moment when
movie/TV characters wear glasses I
can tell are fake because reflections
reveal they have no curvature.
1 3:31 PM - 3 Oct 2012
I'm worried that I don't like Zooey
Deschanel despite her boyvoice, but
because of it. Also, Vi Hart.
1 5:55 PM - 4 Oct 2012
I've discovered that rubbing eyes to
remove debris doesn't work well. The
eye already has a refined debris
removal system known as blinking.
1 3:53 PM - 5 Oct 2012
I think I've washed my hands well, then
find cheese or ketchup on the back of
1 8:19 PM - 6 Oct 2012
I always find things in my jacket
pockets on the first cold day of the
season. A whole year can make even
an old movie stub a neat find.
1 8:19 PM - 7 Oct 2012
I didn't think it was possible, but
seeing my car driven by the bowl cut
Korean in "Gangnam Style" somehow
makes it seem cooler.
1 1:05 PM - 8 Oct 2012
For some reason, I like to burn my
current favorite songs to a CD, take
them out to the car, and then skip over
half the songs I just chose.
1 6:10 PM - 9 Oct 2012
I just realized I can now go to Urban
Dictionary and look up all those terms
the cool kids wouldn't tell me the
meaning of in high school.
1 3:01 PM - 10 Oct 2012
I always appreciate a movie or TV
scene shot at sunset. It's such a short
amount of time to work with.
2 6:47 PM - 11 Oct 2012
The nods and expressions exchanged
after each movie preview in the theater
can reveal a lot about a couple's
1 3:38 PM - 12 Oct 2012
I don't like wearing anything long
sleeved because I spend the whole
time making sure the end of the
sleeves aren't rotated wrong.
1 5:43 PM - 13 Oct 2012
If I think about where my feet go too
much while climbing stairs, I'll get
1 6:31 PM - 14 Oct 2012
When trimming nails, if I find at least 8
clippings, I consider that a cleanup
victory. My bare feet will later find the
1 1:59 PM - 15 Oct 2012
Remember how easily our parents
were fooled by jerk friends greeting
them politely? "He's such a nice boy!"
Wait, why did I have jerks over?
1 2:16 PM - 16 Oct 2012
I'm just waiting for someone at Barnes
& Noble to fuss at me for talking in the
coffee area. It's a store, not a library,
1 2 2:15 PM - 17 Oct 2012
Asking me to guess what time it is in
an attempt to shame me for sleeping in
does not work. You will not get the
1 11:29 AM - 18 Oct 2012
I usually like browsing the odd items
that aren't a store's speciality. If I'm
made to go to T.J.Maxx, I'll browse the
odd foreign foods.
1 2:28 PM - 19 Oct 2012
I'm a lot more comfortable looking at
and holding eye contact with people
around me in public when I'm on the
1 5:41 PM - 20 Oct 2012
I've always found birthdays to be very
pretentious. We're all, "Look at me, I
1 2:17 PM - 21 Oct 2012
I buy all my pants, but shirts are a
different story. They're all freebies from
one source or another.
1 2:23 PM - 22 Oct 2012
Not only was I afraid of the sound of
fireworks as a kid, but the popping
open of a biscuit can. No way of
knowing exactly when it happens.
1 11:15 AM - 23 Oct 2012
"If you weren't dating me, would you
date her?" was apparently not
supposed to be answered honestly.
1 11:54 AM - 24 Oct 2012
All the tricks I used as a kid to delay
and avoid showers have come back to
haunt me as an adult. To this day, I put
them off for no reason.
1 4:44 PM - 25 Oct 2012
When dealing with telemarketers
violating the do not call list, I have a
different voice and name I use,
Detective John Dandell.
1 9:34 PM - 26 Oct 2012
One of the most frustrating feelings is
knowing my package is just a mile
away at a UPS center and there's no
way I can get it.
1 5:45 PM - 27 Oct 2012
Nothing makes me more inclined to
laugh in a situation than knowing
laughing will get me in trouble.
2 1 5:39 PM - 28 Oct 2012
It is now cold enough that I use only
the hot knob when starting my
showers. I don't mix in anything at all
from the cold knob.
1 2:07 PM - 29 Oct 2012
Bragging about being a "PhD
candidate" in an e-mail signature looks
pathetic since even "US presidential
candidate" isn't signatureworthy.
1 10:51 PM - 30 Oct 2012
I pretend to be annoyed when kids try
to climb on me, but secretly I'm
excited to be chosen as the fun adult.
1 2:18 PM - 31 Oct 2012
One of the most underrated feelings is
the satisfaction of knowing that things
would be worse off if you weren't
there, doing what you do.
1 1 10:20 PM - 1 Nov 2012
It's absolute misery listening to each
photo's story as someone shows you
their photo album, unless I'm
controlling the page turning speed.
1 4:45 PM - 2 Nov 2012
I thought I outsmarted YouTube's
stuttering by pausing immediately and
waiting, but now they've outsmarted
me by not buffering when paused.
1 1:43 PM - 3 Nov 2012
I'm not sure why the first cell and car
phone covers were poorly-fitted
leather bags with Velcro, but I'm glad
we've moved away from that.
1 3:12 PM - 4 Nov 2012
If I ever have a mug shot, I'm going to
smile widely so whoever looks me up
will think, "He looks like a nice boy.
Maybe he's innocent."
1 1:16 PM - 5 Nov 2012
I wish they'd show the floor after Jay
Leno is done with Headlines. I want to
see the mess of cards after he's
thrown them all down there.
1 11:10 AM - 6 Nov 2012
My philosophy is the opposite of work
hard, play hard. It's more like: work
unenthusiastically, sit around.
1 5:34 PM - 7 Nov 2012
Have teachers considered that gum is
stuck everywhere in classrooms only
because it's banned? Without the ban,
there's no need to hide it.
1 2:30 PM - 8 Nov 2012
I always find the hotel amenities like
the heated pool and hot tub just as I'm
1 3:25 PM - 9 Nov 2012
People talk about creativity and
ignoring the Lego instructions, but I've
never seen anyone make anything
other than a house without them.
1 11:57 AM - 10 Nov 2012
Someone tried to make me feel bad for
knowing the T-Mobile girl's name.
Doesn't everyone Google every cute
commercial and TV show girl?
1 5:27 PM - 11 Nov 2012
If I'm at someone's house for dinner
and there's a plate on a napkin on
another plate, I know I'll have to use
the forks in the right order.
1 12:07 PM - 12 Nov 2012
I don't like when restaurant employees
set the thermostat for the whole place
uncomfortably cold because it gets hot
in their work area.
1 8:54 PM - 13 Nov 2012
It's sad watching multi-level marketing
newcomers burn through all their
social capital just to sell some makeup,
soap, and a few handbags.
1 2:56 PM - 14 Nov 2012
What's nice about the digital age is I
can be a hoarder and no one can tell
by the appearance of my home.
1 3:04 PM - 15 Nov 2012
Sometimes I like exercising just for
how good it makes water taste.
1 3:49 PM - 16 Nov 2012
Someday I'll have enough discipline to
make my popcorn and candy last
beyond the movie previews.
1 11:37 AM - 17 Nov 2012
I feel like I can predict who's going to
date before they make it official from
their increased Facebook interactions
and shared photos.
1 1:03 PM - 18 Nov 2012
If I'm making salad and a leaf falls
behind the stove, I take consolation
knowing that whatever bug finds it will
receive little nutrition.
1 5:03 PM - 19 Nov 2012
When someone's telling me a story
and pauses to ask if I've heard of
something, I'll just answer yes to
speed them along even if I haven't.
1 5:05 PM - 20 Nov 2012
Sometimes I feel like a cry, but I don't
want to deal with the stuffy nose that
comes along with it, so I cancel the
1 6:54 PM - 21 Nov 2012
Old people love clipping things from
the newspaper and giving them out. I
guess that's their generation's version
of sharing links.
1 11:41 AM - 22 Nov 2012
I don't like when stairs are too narrow
because then I have to gallop down
them sideways like a horse.
1 1:53 PM - 23 Nov 2012
Maybe it's because I've had the same
number and address book since 1997,
but I always feel bad when I text
someone and get, "Who's this?"
1 12:57 PM - 24 Nov 2012
The only purpose of junk mail is to let
me know today's mail has arrived so I
can stop repeatedly checking it.
1 12:25 PM - 25 Nov 2012
Whenever I have to use the bath towel
to dry my face, I hope I'm not using the
part I used to dry, say, my feet. Or
1 3:48 PM - 26 Nov 2012
I think get over a crush after only
seeing her in photos for months, but
the next time I see her she looks like I
remember and I relapse.
1 11:17 AM - 27 Nov 2012
When you gloat about graduating high
school before I was born, I'm not
impressed. I just wonder why you
haven't done more with your life.
1 3:33 PM - 28 Nov 2012
Sometimes the only reason I want to
see a movie is because the song used
in the trailer is so awesome it clouds
1 10:43 AM - 29 Nov 2012
I don't wear pants in my home. In fact,
that's how I determine if a place is my
home. If I have to wear pants, it's not.
1 10:55 AM - 30 Nov 2012
What is up with the floor in the
Bearden Kroger? Is that place just
carved out of a mountain?
1 12:21 PM - 1 Dec 2012
I wouldn't say I'm a liar, but depending
on who I'm telling a story, the same
facts may be offered with a totally
1 2:38 PM - 2 Dec 2012
It feels odd asking, but whenever
someone's telling me a story, I need to
know what the characters involved
1 4:25 PM - 3 Dec 2012
You can tell how unhealthy a
relationship was by how many likes the
"went from being in a relationship to
single" status change gets.
2 11:09 AM - 4 Dec 2012
I was very disappointed when I learned
canopy beds were more of a girl thing.
They just seem so cool.
1 11:41 AM - 5 Dec 2012
I spent half an hour on the phone with
Comcast to get $30 back. It's not so
much that I want the money; I just
don't want them to have it.
1 10:52 AM - 6 Dec 2012
If I somehow end up in two separate
texting threads with one person, I'll try
my hardest to merge them by replying
to both in one message.
1 11:09 AM - 7 Dec 2012
Whenever I hear about crop circles, I'm
always puzzled as to why no one's
upset about the destruction of crops.
1 12:30 PM - 8 Dec 2012
I think I'm subconsciously buying
foods my girlfriend dislikes so they
won't get eaten.
7:29 PM - 9 Dec 2012
I like rainy days because then I don't
feel bad about doing nothing all day.
It's not like I'm wasting a nice day
1 5:17 PM - 10 Dec 2012
As a child of divorce, Mrs. Doubtfire hit
a little too close to home for me to fully
1 1 6:08 PM - 11 Dec 2012
When did it become socially
acceptable to allow your dog to
assault passers-by? If I want to be
licked and climbed on, I’ll get my own
1 6:05 PM - 12 Dec 2012
Every nonfiction book I read is such a
life changer that I'm afraid to start
reading a new one.
1 11:37 AM - 13 Dec 2012
I don't care for the special features or
extended cuts of movies. Stuff is cut
out for a reason, and behind the
scenes clips ruin the magic.
1 2:43 PM - 14 Dec 2012
If I ever need dental work it'll give me
PTSD. I already have nightmares and
flashbacks of sounds and sensations
I've never ever experienced
1 2:02 PM - 15 Dec 2012
For once in my life, I want to see the
news interview a killer's neighbor and
hear, "Yeah, he was evil. I totally saw it
2 1:35 PM - 16 Dec 2012
The only dreams I remember are short
clips of realistic situations that confuse
me the next day as to whether they
really happened or not.
1 12:03 PM - 17 Dec 2012
I get more Christmas cards from
companies I've done business with
1 11:09 AM - 18 Dec 2012
Those "you can steal others' gifts"
holiday parties seem to serve no other
purpose than to create animosity
among people you barely know.
1 11:25 AM - 19 Dec 2012
Everyone who zooms to the end of a
closing lane to jump in front, causing
the traffic jam they wish to avoid
should be summarily executed.
1 11:45 AM - 20 Dec 2012
It isn't fraud that worries me when
losing a credit card, but having to re-
setup autopay for all my monthly bills.
1 5:38 PM - 21 Dec 2012
I give many reasons for my hate of
Wal-Mart, but what keeps me from
shopping there is the exit receipt
checkers treating me like a criminal.
1 5:17 PM - 22 Dec 2012
I'm surprised my chin isn't always
bruised with how many times the
phone slips out of my hands in bed
and whacks me in the face.
1 1:02 PM - 23 Dec 2012
I only do the daily Tweet thing to stay
fresh in the mind of someone I rarely
see. If reading this gave you a tingle,
it's probably you.
1 9:44 PM - 24 Dec 2012
I wonder how many kids kept their
families from enjoying a fire last night
because they didn't want to scorch
1 11:07 AM - 25 Dec 2012
I suspect dieting is harder than quitting
smoking. You can't quit food cold
turkey. You have to find the magic
amount between none and fat.
1 5:35 PM - 26 Dec 2012
I find you can only help so much by
being nice. People are put off if they
know you know you're helping. That's
why I pretend to be a jerk.
1 12:10 PM - 27 Dec 2012
That terrifying feeling of already
committing to sitting down while
simultaneously not being sure the rolly
chair is beneath you.
1 4:36 PM - 28 Dec 2012
Whenever I needed an easy A and
couldn't come up with anything, I
wrote about how hard it was to be a
teacher. They ate that up.
1 2:35 PM - 29 Dec 2012
When cooking for others, if I feel a
sneeze coming, I'll move into their view
first so they don't have to wonder if it
went in their food.
1 12:50 PM - 30 Dec 2012
When I find a years-old post online
exactly describing my symptoms, I
wish I could contact the person just to
ask if they're still alive.
1 2:17 PM - 31 Dec 2012
The flip side of being able to be excited
about things as rare as winning the
lottery is we can also be anxious about
things just as rare.
1:21 PM - 1 Jan 2013
A 365 daily quotes tear off calendar?
More like 365 sheets of tear off booger
12:18 PM - 2 Jan 2013
It's funny how quickly people pretend
there's no movie camera around, as if
they're showing off their ability to be
compliant movie extras.
10:15 AM - 3 Jan 2013
How is it chocolate chips in cookies
survive a 400 degree oven journey and
then melt as soon as they're touched
by human hands?
5:47 PM - 4 Jan 2013
People choose passwords that are
intimate, personal. They say, "If you
can guess it, you know me well
enough to deserve the secrets herein."
2:47 PM - 5 Jan 2013
When I hear a doctor is "great," I
wonder if the person telling me realizes
friendliness has no bearing on a
doctor's skill or expertise.
12:22 PM - 6 Jan 2013
Now that everyone knows those
"employees must wash hands" signs
are more for us than them, they seem
more unsettling than comforting.
5:02 PM - 7 Jan 2013
When I see people holding up signs at
a concert all I can think about are all
the people behind them who can't see.
5:24 PM - 8 Jan 2013
Time after being out of cell phone
reception before I start to worry a loved
one has died and I can't be reached:
10:55 AM - 9 Jan 2013
"Wow, that was a huge pothole. I'll
have to remember never to change
lanes exactly there… I'll never
2:59 PM - 10 Jan 2013
I got a foot scrubber for my shower
floor but it's too tickly to use.
1:57 PM - 11 Jan 2013
When I'm writing my e-mail address on
paper for someone, I write the
lowercase a's in computer font.
11:49 AM - 12 Jan 2013
I love when there's a single warm
summer night in winter. It reminds me
of the past summer and teases me
about the one coming.
9:14 PM - 13 Jan 2013
I feel like a rebel when I skip past the
empty cordons guiding a line to be
3:15 PM - 14 Jan 2013
I think the reason I avoid umbrellas is
the memory of them pulling my hair out
if they get too close to my head.
11:40 AM - 15 Jan 2013
Every so often, my heart makes a
gurgling sensation, and in that
moment, I'm absolutely certain I'm
going to die.
1:26 PM - 16 Jan 2013
I hate running out of milk just when a
snowstorm is predicted, because then
I must become one of the very people I
make fun of.
11:29 AM - 17 Jan 2013
It's amazing how oblivious I was to
how many dishes I was dirtying until I
had to wash them myself.
1:13 PM - 18 Jan 2013
The only fight-or-flight, life or death
moments I experience are when the
trash settles and it sounds like an
intruder's sneaking around.
11:10 AM - 19 Jan 2013
After eating, my tongue ferrets around
each of my teeth removing food
particles for quite a while, possibly
making me look a little crazy.
11:11 AM - 20 Jan 2013
That feeling of disappointment when a
second person walks in the theater
after thinking I was getting a private
1 1:05 PM - 21 Jan 2013
I always use too much shampoo in the
first shower after a haircut. I haven't yet
adjusted to how little hair I have.
1 10:16 AM - 22 Jan 2013
If these UT crime alert texts are quick
enough, maybe we could use them to
become the neighborhood
10:02 AM - 23 Jan 2013
Protein bars are the only thing I've
found, that after opening the box, are
labeled for individual resale.
12:09 PM - 24 Jan 2013
I'm thinking of a clever way to ask my
parents if they remember a famous ice
storm here decades ago since I was
born exactly 9 months later.
3:38 PM - 25 Jan 2013
One of the perks of being on a trip
elsewhere is getting to leave my keys
behind. It makes me feel especially
12:48 PM - 26 Jan 2013
When couch computing, just sneaking
the non-mousing arm under the
blanket dramatically increases my
11:19 AM - 27 Jan 2013
What bothers me about losing a paper
I'm writing isn't the lost time but
knowing there were great sentences I'll
never be able to recreate.
11:42 AM - 28 Jan 2013
I like when people don't watch the
same shows as me so I can recycle
their jokes and pass them off as my
10:08 AM - 29 Jan 2013
I wish there was a universal signal for
"It's raining turn your lights on." I've
tried both the duckbill and jazz hands
with little success.
1 3:26 PM - 30 Jan 2013
Childhood scolding has made me so
averse to keeping things under my bed
that I feel I'm now neglecting its
potential as a storage space.
11:27 AM - 31 Jan 2013
I hate being given a mason jar to drink
out of at someone's home. The screw-
top grooves can't really be cleaned as
thoroughly as I'd like.
2:58 PM - 1 Feb 2013
Now that I think about it, it seems fishy
that the rent for February is the same
price as every other month.
1 1 5:55 PM - 2 Feb 2013
Saying news is "fair and balanced" is
like saying an online college is "real." It
takes away more credibility than it
1 1:27 PM - 3 Feb 2013
You know someone's made an impact
on your life when you consider naming
a kid after them.
2 12:09 PM - 4 Feb 2013
The first time something is stolen and
you report it to the police, you expect
fingerprinting, interrogations. It doesn't
1 9:18 PM - 5 Feb 2013
If I feel my lip touch the spout of a
public water fountain, I just try to leave
1 2 5:17 PM - 6 Feb 2013
If you add "for party rocking" to the
end of an apology, it somehow seems
1 11:16 AM - 7 Feb 2013
If after a routine support call, I fantasize
about the downfall of your company
and plot to destroy it entirely, you're
doing it wrong.
1 12:00 PM - 8 Feb 2013
A general crazy girl warning would be
nice, but I'd settle for an alarm that
warned me if she mentally combined
her first name with my last.
1 10:49 AM - 9 Feb 2013
I find closed captions to be addictive. If
I turn them on for a short time, I
become dependent and need them on
all the time.
1 11:46 AM - 10 Feb 2013
I find it odd that everyone on TV can
sing. Not because they need to, but
because they had to beat someone
who couldn't for the spot.
1 11:23 AM - 11 Feb 2013
What I find coolest about the Mission
Impossible Tom Cruise is how
nonchalantly he milks those 5 seconds
before the briefing self-destructs.
1 11:02 AM - 12 Feb 2013
I know a warm seat is a warm seat, but
my emotions range from comforted to
weirded out depending on who did the
1 12:44 PM - 13 Feb 2013
I found a way to foil those girls who flirt
until you show interest and then go
cold. I never show interest and let
them exhaust themselves.
1 12:21 PM - 14 Feb 2013
If you dare mention having bought a
sonic toothbrush, others will not
hesitate in making sure you know
they've had theirs longer.
2 2:25 PM - 15 Feb 2013
When driving, I so rarely see someone
correctly turn into the closer lane that I
feel a deep bond with anyone else who
1 11:41 AM - 16 Feb 2013
I hate when a swinging door doesn't
indicate which side to push. To avoid
the shame of guessing wrong, I just
push the middle really hard.
1 1:35 PM - 17 Feb 2013
I tell people the TV tray in the
bathroom is for shower accessories.
It's not. It's for a laptop.
1 4:07 PM - 18 Feb 2013
Sometimes I'm thankful my clothing
drawers are so disorganized. I thought
I was out of socks until I struck a vein
of them under the shirts.
1 11:15 AM - 19 Feb 2013
I've never accidentally gone into a
women's bathroom, but I still do a
triple take at the word and symbol to
make sure I'm choosing wisely.
3 11:29 AM - 20 Feb 2013
Can it get worse than looking up
someone on Facebook you'll meet and
then later showing them your phone
only to have their profile still up?
1 12:21 PM - 21 Feb 2013
I would wash my face more often, but
it's so hard to get the suds out of my
1 3:29 PM - 22 Feb 2013
I don't know why I try to skip days
shaving. It doesn't save time. It just
takes twice as long to shave the next
1 11:39 AM - 23 Feb 2013
It was nice growing up without social
media because even though I wasn't
popular, I also didn't know about all the
parties I was missing.
1 3:20 PM - 24 Feb 2013
Why are people respected for sticking
to their principles even when wrong? If
you're often wrong, you should be
more compromising, not less.
1 12:16 PM - 25 Feb 2013
With a good support network, you can
get through anything, as long as what
you're getting through doesn't betray
1 1:40 PM - 26 Feb 2013
I know it's been a stressful day when I
actually lie face up on the dirty shower
floor to relax.
1 11:11 AM - 27 Feb 2013
I'm not sure when I started taking
allergy pills year round…for seasonal
allergies, but I don't like it.
1 1:18 PM - 28 Feb 2013
I'm sorry, I'd like to do something
today, but now that I realize I've lost
my wallet, I'm too crippled by anxiety
to enjoy anything.
1 1:15 PM - 1 Mar 2013
I don't understand why a chin driven
into the back feels so much different
than a finger or even elbow.
1 1:06 PM - 2 Mar 2013
People always manage to turn down
the car radio to say something right
when my favorite song is on, and it's
never that important.
1 11:37 AM - 3 Mar 2013
It's hard differentiating your parents'
dreams for you from yours, harder if
they started so early you can't tell
they're not your dreams.
1 11:55 AM - 4 Mar 2013
I've yet to read a local news story
where the article's comments didn't
call for the death of some party
mentioned in the story.
1 11:23 AM - 5 Mar 2013
I'm not sure if I'm getting taller every
day or my rear view mirror just keeps
sagging down after I adjust it.
1 1:18 PM - 6 Mar 2013
I hate when the shower water doesn't
get hot enough for me to coast off its
warmth until I get in bed.
1 11:34 AM - 7 Mar 2013
The balance beam in gymnastics
strikes me as so sexist, men can't even
watch it without cringing, much less
1 10:58 AM - 8 Mar 2013
I'm annoyed people on judge shows
suddenly can't tell a simple story
without peppering their speech with
"at which point" and "proceeded to"
1 12:58 PM - 9 Mar 2013
If you're going to encourage a dieter to
eat, you might as well go ahead and
encourage an alcoholic to drink, too.
1 2:21 PM - 10 Mar 2013
It's not that I'm stingy, I don't like
sharing food because I've already
prepared myself to eat that much and
less would be disappointing.
1 11:49 AM - 11 Mar 2013
I don't know who mister in-between is
or what he represents, but thanks to
Mad About You's frequent warnings, I
will be avoiding him.
1 11:15 AM - 12 Mar 2013
Despite my old age, to this day, my
desire to go outside is still almost
entirely determined by how clear I think
my complexion is that day.
1 1:39 PM - 13 Mar 2013
I remember hating that one person for
being so widely liked. Now I want to
become the person a few people hate
for being universally liked.
1 11:32 AM - 14 Mar 2013
Before, I had to wonder if a girl was too
good for me. Now, I can just look her
up on Facebook to see if her boyfriend
is cuter than me.
1 3:25 PM - 15 Mar 2013
You know you're waiting for an
important e-mail when you comb
through the spam folder like someone
lost an earring.
1 1 10:50 AM - 16 Mar 2013
I hate being the second one to walk to
the table in a restaurant. Now I have to
face away from the action and be
snuck up on all night.
1 10:25 AM - 17 Mar 2013
I wish putting in a movie randomly
selected a possible ending, so I would
be justified in worrying they wouldn't
make it out this time.
1 10:33 AM - 18 Mar 2013
Thanks to careful tracking, I have
completely eliminated the joy of being
surprised by an unexpected package
from my life.
1 11:04 AM - 19 Mar 2013
My version of "disaster prepping" is
charging my phone if a thunderstorm is
1 1:37 PM - 20 Mar 2013
It's hard for me to enjoy the local news
because I get anxious waiting for them
to trip over their words.
1 2:01 PM - 21 Mar 2013
I start out eating 1 or 2 popcorn
kernels at a time, but halfway through
the bag, I'm cramming in a dozen at
once to maximize the flavor.
1 2 1:39 PM - 22 Mar 2013
If someone asks me my astrological
sign, I'll pretend not to know to deter
them from thinking this conversation
can go anywhere.
1 11:28 AM - 23 Mar 2013
If you get tinted windows, admit that
you've entirely dropped out of traffic
socialization and stop trying to give
hand signals I can't see.
1 11:24 AM - 24 Mar 2013
That horrible feeling of being asked
what was said right after you fake
laughed pretending to have heard it.
1 10:18 AM - 25 Mar 2013
The shower drain is blocked. I guess I'll
just spend the entire shower kicking
the hairs away instead of picking them
up like I should.
1 11:10 AM - 26 Mar 2013
Tom Bergeron strikes me as what old
people think young people think a cool
old person is like.
1 5:20 PM - 27 Mar 2013
The one chivalrous thing I do for my
girlfriend is walk on her left at the mall
to shield her from the kiosk hustlers
1 12:28 PM - 28 Mar 2013
At the start of a move, I'm extra careful
about furniture touching the ground.
By the end, I'm dragging mattresses
through wet grass.
2:48 PM - 29 Mar 2013
If I'm meeting someone new and can't
get their name right, on the third try I'll
give up and repeat what they said in
their own inflection.
10:48 AM - 30 Mar 2013
I know a nap was too long if I wake up
wondering what day it is.
1 11:53 AM - 31 Mar 2013
That awkward moment when running
into someone in public a second time
after just having a forced chat and firm
1 11:22 AM - 1 Apr 2013
I'm going to start calling dusk skyfall
just because it sounds cooler. "At
skyfall, we will go get tacos."
3 11:16 AM - 2 Apr 2013
I know the words ascending and
descending, but it's easier to just click
both until I see what I want rather than
figure it out by thinking.
1 11:57 AM - 3 Apr 2013
Why can't I get ice cream when it's
cold outside without shame? I don't
eat it because it's a coolant; I eat it
because it's delicious.
1 1 12:24 PM - 4 Apr 2013
It's hard not to go full middle school
when a friend says someone talked
about me. "What were her exact
1 2:10 PM - 5 Apr 2013
How come I can tell exactly how many
hours of sleep I got just from how
yucky my eyes feel when I wake up?
1 7:19 AM - 6 Apr 2013
It's amazing how much I can be
psyched out just by someone else
asking, "Does she have a crush on
1 12:11 PM - 7 Apr 2013
I know there's nothing wrong with
them, but I don't feel right eating the
1 10:55 AM - 8 Apr 2013
Whenever I forget my credit card or
sunglasses at a restaurant, I'm very
glad I tipped.
1 11:09 AM - 9 Apr 2013
Whenever someone says "snap back
to reality" in any context, my
imagination continues, "oh, there goes
2 11:14 AM - 10 Apr 2013
Companies could cut down on
complaints if they shipped things in
order of who most frequently reloads
the order status page.
1 11:12 AM - 11 Apr 2013
I hate it when I point my head a little
too far up in the shower and
accidentally waterboard myself.
1 1:36 PM - 12 Apr 2013
We must all have the same poor
brushing technique because it seems
everyone has that same yellow corner
1 2:34 PM - 13 Apr 2013
Who are these people who can walk
around the house while brushing? I
look like I have rabies.
1 11:52 AM - 14 Apr 2013
I find talking about cancer in terms of
battle, winning, and losing as archaic
and offensive as saying someone is
confined to a wheelchair.
1 11:12 AM - 15 Apr 2013
I'm tired of your logic puzzles,
spammers. "Please uncheck the
checked boxes for subscriptions you
no longer wish to unsubscribe from."
1 11:15 AM - 16 Apr 2013
If my search history is ever on trial, I
hope I remember to tell them there was
a news story related to "ricin
poisoning" when I searched.
1 11:59 AM - 17 Apr 2013
If I'm mugged on the walk home from
this run I hope I just give up my wallet,
rather than fight like the runner's high
is encouraging me to.
1 11:24 AM - 18 Apr 2013
All this practice condensing thoughts
to one hundred forty characters has
really honed my skill at leaving
detailed, scathing eBay feedback.
1 1:10 PM - 19 Apr 2013
It's amazing how finding a hair in your
mouth can bring a stop to any activity,
and I do mean any activity.
2 1 12:30 PM - 20 Apr 2013
I'm careful when buying a pinstripe suit
because once the pinstripes get too far
apart, it can only be worn by preachers
2 12:33 PM - 21 Apr 2013
Opaque shower curtains are stupid. I
need light to see what's going on in the
shower or it’s like a one player game of
7 minutes in heaven.
1 11:49 AM - 22 Apr 2013
I find blurring out babies' genitals on
American's Funniest Home Videos
much creepier than not blurring them
1 11:33 AM - 23 Apr 2013
I sleep such unusual hours that my
best chat friends end up being people
in other time zones.
1 11:30 AM - 24 Apr 2013
After looking through dozens of your
Facebook photos, I have no idea what
you look like, but I know exactly what
your baby looks like.
1 10:50 AM - 25 Apr 2013
I won’t squish bugs. Not out of
sympathy but because I don’t want to
see what’s inside of them.
2 12:30 PM - 26 Apr 2013
Sinus sickness hydration is an art. If I
drink too little water, my nose dries out.
Drink too much and it has too much
fuel to make mucus.
1 12:14 PM - 27 Apr 2013
One of the funnest parts of travel
preparation is picking out the miniature
toiletries from the miniatures aisle at
1 11:52 AM - 28 Apr 2013
I really should just turn the lights on
instead of spending those two
dangerous minutes feeling around for
the outlet in the dark.
1 11:26 AM - 29 Apr 2013
Answering no to "Can you keep a
secret?" never seems to slow the
momentum of the secret-teller.
1 10:59 AM - 30 Apr 2013
If you're an app developer, clear out
the notifications before taking a
screenshot. Lack of attention to detail
does not inspire confidence.
2 12:46 PM - 1 May 2013
It wasn't worth it to install that one
app. Now everything's shifted over and
I can't find anything anymore.
1 12:02 PM - 2 May 2013
Sometimes I contemplate exactly how
drunk I would need to get to do well
being interviewed on TV.
1 2:04 PM - 3 May 2013
I changed what I wanted to say after I
snapped the picture for SnapChat, and
now my facial expression doesn't
match the caption.
1 11:48 AM - 4 May 2013
How long I stay up is directly
proportional to how badly I want to
avoid the hassle of my nightly routine.
1 11:36 AM - 5 May 2013
That awkward moment when a casual
"that's why I love you" slips out in the
first few months of a relationship.
1 10:59 AM - 6 May 2013
To get back at those who irritate me by
pronouncing picture as "pitcher," I'm
going to pronounce wolf as "woof"
every chance I get.
2 11:29 AM - 7 May 2013
The scariest thing about the threat of
being licked is I can actually hear the
sounds of a tongue coming toward me
once it leaves the mouth.
1 10:38 AM - 8 May 2013
I try to relax when vacuuming, but
there's a certain panic and urgency as
soon as a vacuum cleaner is switched
on and I don't know why.
1 12:15 PM - 9 May 2013
If you hide when something’s wrong by
saying it's nothing, you can't complain
that I’m asking what’s wrong too much
when things seem off.
2 8:12 AM - 10 May 2013
Often I think a movie was great just
because I saw it in the theater, and
then think back weeks later and realize
it was quite mediocre.
1 11:34 AM - 11 May 2013
Thinking back, all those fights for the
check I witnessed among family were
bragging and status displays, not
2 10:55 AM - 12 May 2013
When assuming a fighting pose, I
bounce around like the Mortal Kombat
animation loop. Surely that helps or
they wouldn't do it.
1 10:26 AM - 13 May 2013
I get the impression that most people
are aware of where north is at all times.
I am not one of those people.
1 11:25 AM - 14 May 2013
I felt something crawling on me. Now I
have to claw and smack at various
phantom sensations until I forget it
2 10:55 AM - 15 May 2013
Exercise with friends usually just turns
into an unspoken competition of who
can breathe the least heavily.
2 11:33 AM - 16 May 2013
My last name is unusual enough that
I'll just make one up for takeout orders
or restaurant seating. The trick is
remembering that name.
1 1:09 PM - 17 May 2013
I hear about whitewater rafting like it's
a causal thing, but from the videos I
see, not everyone makes it back.
1 12:32 PM - 18 May 2013
I can't convince the previous
generation that sealed tubs for cereal
and bag clips for chips are
unnecessary. Foods have
2 12:14 PM - 19 May 2013
People so often lie about having
enough legroom in the back seat that
it's socially acceptable to reach back
there and feel for their knees.
1 12:14 PM - 20 May 2013
I sent texts to two people and didn't
get any replies an hour later. The
network must be down.
1 11:15 AM - 21 May 2013
It sounds conceited, but I don't bother
playing the lottery unless the payout is
at least half a billion dollars.
1 11:14 AM - 22 May 2013
If you were actually important, you
could ignore that call. That you have to
take it means your obligations are
more important than you are.
2 11:52 AM - 23 May 2013
The best way I've found never to get
stuck at red lights is to need a chance
to reply to a text.
1 11:34 AM - 24 May 2013
You don't have to slow down. That cop
car on the other side of the interstate
can't jump the four-foot concrete
barrier and chase you.
1 11:53 AM - 25 May 2013
I've yet to encounter a time when "you
didn’t give me a chance to answer"
didn't actually mean "you didn’t give
me time to make up a lie."
2 10:42 AM - 26 May 2013
After driving with that watermelon in
the trunk, I'm not even worried about
the hamburger buns. They're long
dead. I'm worried about my car.
1 11:31 AM - 27 May 2013
I'm especially annoyed that despite
being given liquids for five hours, my
guest did not once even see the
bathroom I cleaned for hours.
1 11:15 AM - 28 May 2013
Either someone's in this bathroom or I
didn't turn the handle far enough. I'll
wait a minute and try again so they
think it's someone else.
1 10:31 AM - 29 May 2013
When someone adds "you don’t know
him" in reference to a character in their
story, it always irks me, even if I really
don't know him.
1 12:02 PM - 30 May 2013
Birthday wrapping paper covers a lot
since most holidays are birthdays in
disguise. Happy birthday America,
happy birthday Jesus, and so on.
2 4:05 PM - 31 May 2013
Wake up early to do outdoor activities
in order to avoid the midday heat? The
cure sounds worse than the disease.
1 8:35 AM - 1 Jun 2013
Those green interstate signs would
look a lot nicer if they'd trim off the
extra green corners beyond the
rounded white border.
1 11:46 AM - 2 Jun 2013
New friend request! Maybe that cute
girl I met looked me up and was bold
enough to add me. Nope, another jerk
from high school.
1 8:34 AM - 3 Jun 2013
Someone needs to tell advertisers that
things being handmade is a turnoff to
my generation. I want machine made.
1 8:09 AM - 4 Jun 2013
If the GPS is going to talk over the best
parts of my songs, I'd rather just be
1 9:55 AM - 5 Jun 2013
I miss the time before channel guides
and the thrill of seeing a studio logo
and wondering if an awesome movie
was about to come on TV.
1 8:01 AM - 6 Jun 2013
I used to hold my breath when entering
public restrooms to avoid the smell,
but now it's more a game to see if I
can hold it until I leave.
1 1:24 PM - 7 Jun 2013
When carving into a tub of butter, I
always aim for the region yet
untouched by another's knife.
1 10:07 AM - 8 Jun 2013
I never really noticed how ensoulment
is baked into everyday language.
When someone dies, we don't say
Mark was found, we say Mark's body.
1 12:39 PM - 9 Jun 2013
I know these pants are too tight
because taking the keys out of my
pocket gives me a meaningful amount
of wiggle room.
3 5:20 PM - 10 Jun 2013
Apparently there's a facial expression
for "I can't hear you" because when I
can't hear someone they always figure
it out and speak up.
1 6:19 PM - 11 Jun 2013
I am now confident enough in myself
not to feel the need to claim I shower
and brush more times per day than I
1 11:54 AM - 12 Jun 2013
I get a warm fuzzy feeling when
someone nearby at Starbucks leaves
their keys and phone for a moment. I
must look somewhat trustworthy.
1 12:26 PM - 13 Jun 2013
I'm sure polarized sunglasses have
some practical purpose, but I just like
how deep blue they make the sky look.
1 4:09 PM - 14 Jun 2013
For something that can be replaced
with $10 and a 5 minute trip to
Walgreen's, I sure stress about
packing all my toiletries for a trip.
1 11:53 AM - 15 Jun 2013
I always have a voice in my head that's
perfectly reasonable, calm, and lucid
offering advice and analysis no matter
how smashed I get.
1 3:08 PM - 16 Jun 2013
Whoa, is that blood in the sink from
brushing? Never mind, just
remembered I ate chocolate an hour
1 8:17 AM - 17 Jun 2013
It's not that a piece of chocolate spoils
my appetite. I'm still hungry, but
anything other than more chocolate
will taste like cardboard.
1 8:09 AM - 18 Jun 2013
I can turn a can of mixed nuts into a
can of peanuts in a matter of hours.
Cashews are the first to go.
1 9:56 AM - 19 Jun 2013
I know when to use who and whom
but avoid the latter when speaking to
avoid being considered snobby.
1 9:53 AM - 20 Jun 2013
I don't like knowing who I'm dating
would ever consider dating someone
other than me.
1 8:21 AM - 21 Jun 2013
It worries me that I have to remind
myself if the phone starts to slide off
my leg while driving, don't swerve the
car to keep it balanced.
1 10:02 AM - 22 Jun 2013
I hate knowing the plot of a TV show is
constrained by certain villains not
being allowed to die because they're
1 10:24 AM - 23 Jun 2013
There's no need to filter what I see,
Facebook. I have plenty of free time to
view everything all my friends post.
1 9:32 AM - 24 Jun 2013
When in a hotel bed, every itch or
crawling sensation causes me to throw
off the blankets and make sure it's not
1 10:33 AM - 25 Jun 2013
Despite having lived here a decade, I
still haven't learned which light switch
goes to which light and have to flip
every one every time.
1 9:10 AM - 26 Jun 2013
I know summer has started when I
stand in front of the air conditioning to
dry off after a shower instead of using
old fashioned towels.
1 10:15 AM - 27 Jun 2013
While in Savannah, I learned that like
Muslims, Girl Scouts must visit the
birthplace of their founder once in their
1 9:17 AM - 28 Jun 2013
What does it mean for our
compatibility if we both like Ellie
Goulding, but we totally disagree on
which of her songs we like?
1 12:06 PM - 29 Jun 2013
The channel numbers now go so high
that I'll have to spend more time telling
my parents the cable box is showing
the channel, not the time.
2 11:13 AM - 30 Jun 2013
That terrifying feeling of looking at a
sleeping person in the dark and
hallucinating that their eyes are open,
staring back at you.
1 7:51 AM - 1 Jul 2013
I don't feel bad at all for peeking at
others' food as it's delivered if your
restaurant doesn't have pictures on the
1 8:22 AM - 2 Jul 2013
As an adult, I now know they're Nilla
wafers and manila envelopes, but I
keep saying vanilla for both anyway.
2 10:58 AM - 3 Jul 2013
Dear GPS, so long as there are no
turns, I could not care less if the road
I'm driving on changes names.
1 10:07 AM - 4 Jul 2013
Two people I know look alike, but
they’re not equally good looking, so I
can only tell one of them because the
other will be insulted.
1 10:39 AM - 5 Jul 2013
I don't mind if someone gets my name
wrong as long as the person I'm
mistaken for is better looking.
2 10:59 AM - 6 Jul 2013
No, of course I don’t have any kids! Oh
wait, I'm now old enough for that to be
a valid question. Disturbing.
1 2 11:21 AM - 7 Jul 2013
The way things are going, I expect my
neighbors to totally run out of fireworks
right about July 3, 2014. Then I
assume I'll get some peace.
1 2 8:15 AM - 8 Jul 2013
I’m afraid everyone I meet can tell how
far I’ll go in life by looking at me but
won't say, the way I think I can tell that
1 8:24 AM - 9 Jul 2013
My fantasy that I could be an actor is
not reconcilable with my inability to
come up with more than three facial
expressions for SnapChat.
1 11:17 AM - 10 Jul 2013
I'm sure this pizza delivery driver will
be both cautious and patient, said no
1 1 11:00 AM - 11 Jul 2013
I'm not sure why it's the radio shows in
the morning that are all talk based.
That's the time of day I least want to
hear inane babble.
3 8:57 AM - 12 Jul 2013
This is her first time at my place. A joke
about not being a murderer could put
her at ease or really freak her out. Do I
take the risk?
1 11:02 AM - 13 Jul 2013
I feel dumb when I don't catch
something until the second or third
viewing of a movie. Surely everyone
else noticed that on the first watch.
1 1 10:58 AM - 14 Jul 2013
I hope people see me as the magician I
think I am when I remotely pop my
trunk just as I walk up to it with
2 2 8:11 AM - 15 Jul 2013
"Let's try selling it as an allergy pill."
"But it's just a sleeping pill." "They
can't sneeze if they're asleep."
–Benadryl marketing team.
3 8:14 AM - 16 Jul 2013
I don't think I could recognize Lady
Gaga in person.
1 10:34 AM - 17 Jul 2013
Q: How do you know if someone is
from Franklin or Brentwood?
A: Don't worry, they'll tell you.
1 1 10:03 AM - 18 Jul 2013
Just because I had a dream about you
doesn't mean I'm in love with you. I
am, of course, but that has nothing to
do with the dream.
1 11:13 AM - 19 Jul 2013
It's time we started calling reality TV
stars what they really are, game show
2 10:36 AM - 20 Jul 2013
Watching the Scholars' Bowl on PBS is
a no-win situation. Even if I get the
answers right, I'm still a loser for
2 9:49 AM - 21 Jul 2013
If I were an evil genius trying to ruin a
social networking site, my plan would
just be to help parents sign up for it
and add their kids.
1 8:00 AM - 22 Jul 2013
A good door-to-door business would
be selling those sticks you turn to open
and close venetian blinds. I'm forever
twisting that metal hook.
1 7:53 AM - 23 Jul 2013
This guy either just rejected my
handshake or has poor peripheral
vision. Either way, he is now dead to
2 11:01 AM - 24 Jul 2013
You won't hear me curse often. Not
because I'm opposed to it, but so
when you finally hear it, it'll be
shocking enough to mean something.
4 10:24 AM - 25 Jul 2013
I'm going to have my kid watch The
Matrix early on so he'll see the fetus
field scene and not want to know more
about how babies are made.
2 11:10 AM - 26 Jul 2013
Someone's reading the same page
with me. To avoid embarrassment, I
have to switch to fast reading mode
where I only understand about half.
1 9:43 AM - 27 Jul 2013
All these people telling me to sell my
treadmill remind me that others can
spot when I've quit something better
than I can.
1 11:22 AM - 28 Jul 2013
The only reason my generation seems
better with computers may be that the
previous is afraid of clicking around to
figure things out.
2 7:58 AM - 29 Jul 2013
Time to unfollow people until I have
more followers than I'm following to
help myself esteem. I'll claim it's for
1 8:30 AM - 30 Jul 2013
I wonder if the mall got rid of its tile
floor because too many kids were
injured trying not to step on the dark
1 9:46 AM - 31 Jul 2013
The veterinarian's office is a strange
place. I wouldn't trust a human
hospital that also offered haircuts and
manicures with its surgeries.
1 9:35 AM - 1 Aug 2013
Sometimes I want to favorite an
especially bold or meaningful post, but
worry I don't know the person well
enough to get away with it.
1 7:49 AM - 2 Aug 2013
I wondered how my bed kept getting
made when I didn't remember doing it.
Turns out that's my nervous pacing
activity while on the phone.
1 10:22 AM - 3 Aug 2013
I spend a lot of time trying to
differentiate people having a bad day
from the permanent jerks so I can save
my meanness for the latter.
2 10:48 AM - 4 Aug 2013
Alright, someone fatter than me by the
pool just took their shirt off. Guess I will
1 10:33 AM - 5 Aug 2013
I'm not an especially daring, risk-taking
type of person, until it comes to
moving food around with my fingers in
a hot frying pan.
2 5:09 PM - 6 Aug 2013
It's not that I want a waterproof phone.
I just want a phone that doesn't seek
out and leap into any water it can find.
1 9:11 AM - 7 Aug 2013
If someone pauses when asked if
they're single, they're really saying,
"I'm not, but I can be if you want me to
1 1 10:16 AM - 8 Aug 2013
Netflix automatically plays the next
episode of a series? That's as
dangerous as a bartender who just
brings another drink without asking.
2 8:56 AM - 9 Aug 2013
Coliseum is one of those words that
looks like it's spelled wrong even when
it's spelled right.
1 6:15 AM - 10 Aug 2013
I figure out how much sleep I got by
looking at how many hours ago the
last tweet I remember was.
1 9:47 AM - 11 Aug 2013
That awkward moment when "real"
slips out instead of biological when
referring to non-adopted children.
1 9:14 AM - 12 Aug 2013
Quit showing aliens as culturally
intolerant savages. They figured out
interstellar travel but get offended by
the wrong kind of handshake?
2 10:57 AM - 13 Aug 2013
I get so turned off when sci-fi aliens
wax about the resilience of the human
spirit. Have you met us? We go
suicidal if a show is cancelled.
1 2 11:09 AM - 14 Aug 2013
Sometimes the victims in horror
movies scream so much that I lose
sympathy for them.
1 10:23 AM - 15 Aug 2013
That slurping sound wasn't me rudely
trying to get the waitress to refill my
glass. I just didn’t realize how little was
1 8:20 AM - 16 Aug 2013
A friend blabbed to my mom that I
wasn’t feeling well. Now I have to
endure questioning and torture greater
than the original malady.
3 10:23 AM - 17 Aug 2013
I remember being way too impressed
with myself as a kid for having different
personalities around different people.
1 11:04 AM - 18 Aug 2013
I’m happy to serve on a jury because I
hope if I were charged with a crime,
those who judged me weren't bitter
that they had to be there.
1 8:03 AM - 19 Aug 2013
Eventually one of my older Facebook
friends is going to share an article
that's not completely false. I think 2013
is the year it'll happen.
2 11:05 AM - 20 Aug 2013
I don't know you, but we've added
each other on every other social
network, so what's one more?
1 9:53 AM - 21 Aug 2013
My hobby: provoking new
acquaintances into mentioning me in a
post online and then stalking them to
find out what they said about me.
2 11:10 AM - 22 Aug 2013
My method of ironing clothes is to lock
them in the bathroom with me while I
shower and let the steam do its thing.
2 8:37 AM - 23 Aug 2013
Sadly my excuses for talking to girls
are so good they don't realize I like
them. "That wasn't flirting. He just had
an important question."
2 10:53 AM - 24 Aug 2013
As much as I dislike my speaking
voice, what I really hate is my
shouting-over-music voice. That must
2 1:10 PM - 25 Aug 2013
I'm not trying to evade your question. I
just really can't tell if I like a song until
I've heard it a few times.
1 11:20 AM - 26 Aug 2013
Sorry I ignored your shouts of "hey" on
the street. To save embarrassment, I
just assume those are all beginnings of
cell phone calls.
1 4:11 PM - 27 Aug 2013
That tingle you get when a girl dances
really, really well for just one second
after she spent half an hour claiming
she can't dance.
1 1:51 PM - 28 Aug 2013
I leave Children's Hospital brochures
and magazines lying visible in my car
to deter the more ethical thieves.
1 12:15 PM - 29 Aug 2013
The only reason I clean the microwave
tray is so I can safely enjoy burned
cheese that drips down there.
1 1:22 PM - 30 Aug 2013
Yes, I'm carrying laundry, but I'm not
going to the laundry room floor. I'm
going to the floor that takes me out the
door to my mom's.
1 9:16 AM - 31 Aug 2013
Everyone at this party has already
formed their groups. Now to practice
the fine art of standing here and
looking like it doesn't bother me.
2 9:48 AM - 1 Sep 2013
You might be getting old if you see an
item in an antique store and say, "I
have one of those. It still works great!"
1 11:01 AM - 2 Sep 2013
I know I've gone too far out in the
country when I'm genuinely afraid for
my life to turn around in someone's
1 10:57 AM - 3 Sep 2013
Don't act like you don't know you're
good looking. Girls narrate your
actions right in front of you. "He just
said hi to me!"
1 10:15 AM - 4 Sep 2013
You know an elevator is crowded when
you catch yourself dividing the weight
limit by the number of people onboard.
1 10:29 AM - 5 Sep 2013
I can't shake the feeling that everyone
gets better battery life than me and I'm
just one odd setting or app removal
away from lasting days.
2 1:26 PM - 6 Sep 2013
I'm pretty sure that even if I weren't
colorblind, I still wouldn't understand
what it meant for clothing colors to
1 10:39 AM - 7 Sep 2013
If lawyers are such experts at
performing for a crowd and public
speaking, how come they make the
worst, phoniest commercials?
2 11:35 AM - 8 Sep 2013
I don't consider myself gifted at
understanding lyrics, but when I look
up ones I can't understand, they
somehow get more wrong than I do.
1 10:30 AM - 9 Sep 2013
Please, no sudden moves. I'm using a
Q-tip in a way not advised by the
2 12:50 PM - 10 Sep 2013
If they made chocolate-flavored
toothpaste, I'd either like toothpaste
more or chocolate less. Both seem like
clear health victories.
1 9:19 AM - 11 Sep 2013
I bet I can cut my own hair with just a
mirror. OK, the first four snips got
nothing but air. That may be a bad
1 10:53 AM - 12 Sep 2013
Now they're just a brown chewy goo,
but I wonder if when they were
invented, Tootsie Rolls were supposed
to be a cheap chocolate substitute.
1 4:41 PM - 13 Sep 2013
I know a meal was good when I have
phantom flavor flashbacks of it days
2 1:02 PM - 14 Sep 2013
At this point, I no longer consider the
radio versions of Taylor Swift and Bon
Jovi songs the originals. I consider
them the non-goat mixes.
2 11:22 AM - 15 Sep 2013
Beware the man who must pay for
movers, for he does not have good
1 12:35 PM - 16 Sep 2013
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate being
liked by the good people, but I
consider being disliked by the bad
people just as great an honor.
1 1 11:06 AM - 17 Sep 2013
That first time you watch Tosh.0 with
someone and they talk over all his
jokes, not yet realizing he's actually
1 11:51 AM - 18 Sep 2013
I may be in the minority on this, but
when renting a car or ordering food, I
consider getting "more for my money"
a downgrade, not upgrade.
1 10:52 AM - 19 Sep 2013
That time I tricked my foreign relatives
into thinking I could rap by reciting the
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.
3 2:13 PM - 20 Sep 2013
Credit scores are like a very slow-
paced, high-stakes video game for
1 11:22 AM - 21 Sep 2013
Now I have to rewind yet again
because I keep forgetting I can't look
away from subtitled movies and just
listen to the dialogue.
1 11:23 AM - 22 Sep 2013
Cartoons have misled me about how
much of an apple is edible.
1 1:07 PM - 23 Sep 2013
It's unsettling to know that if you meet
two or more girls, they've already
silently communicated to each other
what they think of you.
1 10:18 AM - 24 Sep 2013
I want to date you because that’s the
only way we'll be intimate enough for
me to squeeze all those distracting
blackheads out of your nose.
1 10:17 AM - 25 Sep 2013
I don't need to carry around my music
collection any more than I need to
carry around every book I own. I only
listen to the newest 3 songs.
1 3:27 PM - 26 Sep 2013
As we walk out: "You're not going to
lock your door?" Well, now that you
announced it's unlocked to the entire
hallway, I guess I have to.
1 1 1:20 PM - 27 Sep 2013
Paperless billing? You mean I get to
save your company money while also
having less evidence to use against
you in a billing dispute? Nope.
2 2 4:42 PM - 28 Sep 2013
Ducking while walking in front of my TV
watching path is a nice symbolic
gesture, but let's be real, you're not
low enough to actually help.
1 11:52 AM - 29 Sep 2013
At the rate we're going, the valuable
antiques we pass down to our children
may be unlimited mobile data plans.
1 1 12:18 PM - 30 Sep 2013
I don't consider soup to be a food. It's
the water that real food has been in.
1 10:44 AM - 1 Oct 2013
No, you can't use that ringtone. It's
mine. I had it first and we're around
each other too much.
1 11:58 AM - 2 Oct 2013
Have more people died from having
weak, TV-style CPR done on them or
have more been saved because the
person only learned about CPR from
1 12:16 PM - 3 Oct 2013
I like seeing panic in the eyes of
newscasters as their interviewee goes
over the allotted time and leaving no
room to be interrupted.
1 2:00 PM - 4 Oct 2013
I never liked coloring as an elementary
schooler, but I could cut the lines right
down the middle.
1 11:59 AM - 5 Oct 2013
I can't stand seeing kids drag a pillow
through a dirty airport. If my pillow
touches the floor for even a second,
it's getting a new case.
1 12:31 PM - 6 Oct 2013
I want to pull a reverse catfish. I'll make
someone fall in love with me online
using bad photos and then show up all
1 11:26 AM - 7 Oct 2013
Sometimes I'm so anxious for a future
event that anywhere I see a future
date, like a movie trailer, I think, "By
then, I'll know for sure!"
1 11:20 AM - 8 Oct 2013
Sadly, with the constant stream of
tagged photos on Facebook, you can't
surprise people you haven't seen in
years with your weight loss.
1 4:54 PM - 9 Oct 2013
You think sending back dirty silverware
at a restaurant is awkward? Try having
to do it at someone's home.
1 12:00 PM - 10 Oct 2013
The main reason I want more Twitter
followers is so companies will worry
about their reputation when I complain
and quickly resolve it.
1 1:34 PM - 11 Oct 2013
I’m not sure what city- and nation-
state mean other than "country" but I
still toss those terms into historical
discussion to sound learned.
1 12:30 PM - 12 Oct 2013
I only think about others' birthdays on
their actual day, but I sort of expect
everyone to prepare and talk about
mine for the entire month.
1 11:18 AM - 13 Oct 2013
If customer service ignores polite
requests but gives in when people get
angry and yell, they are the one
requiring people to yell at them.
1 11:50 AM - 14 Oct 2013
Before I die, just once I want to hear a
real estate agent admit it's a bad time
to buy a house.
1 11:22 AM - 15 Oct 2013
Today I hallucinated that I saw a cyclist
going the correct direction down a
1 2:46 PM - 16 Oct 2013
To convince others to turn off their
watch's hourly beep, when I hear it I'll
consistently announce, "There goes
another hour of our life."
1 12:17 PM - 17 Oct 2013
Offenbar haben Sie einen Ad-Blocker installiert. Wenn Sie SlideShare auf die Whitelist für Ihren Werbeblocker setzen, helfen Sie unserer Gemeinschaft von Inhaltserstellern.
Sie hassen Werbung?
Wir haben unsere Datenschutzbestimmungen aktualisiert.
Wir haben unsere Datenschutzbestimmungen aktualisiert, um den neuen globalen Regeln zum Thema Datenschutzbestimmungen gerecht zu werden und dir einen Einblick in die begrenzten Möglichkeiten zu geben, wie wir deine Daten nutzen.
Die Einzelheiten findest du unten. Indem du sie akzeptierst, erklärst du dich mit den aktualisierten Datenschutzbestimmungen einverstanden.