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Tweets 2012-2014

1 1 7:25 AM - 15 Mar 2007
I hope people are impressed by how
confidently I walk toward automatic
2 10:55 AM - 21 Feb 2012
I read the craigslist missed
connections for every single airport city
I pass through.
1 9:33 PM - 29 Feb 2...
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Tweets 2012-2014

  1. 1. Lucent @Lucent 1 1 7:25 AM - 15 Mar 2007
  2. 2. Lucent @Lucent I hope people are impressed by how confidently I walk toward automatic doors. 2 10:55 AM - 21 Feb 2012 Lucent @Lucent I like to guess along while they draw the lottery numbers, just to make sure I don't have magic powers. 1 11:01 AM - 22 Feb 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't like when hipsters buy clothing from Goodwill. That's another shirt that a poor person won't get to buy at a discount. 1 10:35 AM - 23 Feb 2012 Lucent @Lucent I can't stand if a lamp is turned on when light is coming in through a window. Something to do with the different colors of light. 1 2:20 PM - 24 Feb 2012 Lucent @Lucent I used to think pickles were a sea animal, what with their cloudy jar, bumps, and occasional tail. 1 12:01 PM - 25 Feb 2012 Lucent @Lucent I can't concentrate on a phone conversation if someone is eavesdropping because I'm too caught up in how they perceive it. 1 12:03 PM - 26 Feb 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't like getting toys in my cereal because that's something I paid for that I don't get to eat. 1 10:01 AM - 27 Feb 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't know the breed names of dogs, so I go by their most famous incarnation: Scooby-Doo, Beethoven, Wishbone, Lassie. 1 10:25 AM - 28 Feb 2012
  3. 3. Lucent @Lucent I read the craigslist missed connections for every single airport city I pass through. 1 9:33 PM - 29 Feb 2012
  4. 4. Lucent @Lucent I don't like playing games at carnivals due to the high risk of becoming a fishowner. 1 1 10:21 AM - 1 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent It's not what was said that hurts me when a friend mocks me but the voice they use to do it. I sound like that? 1 3:58 PM - 2 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I pretend to be one of those hip liberals that always leaves their door unlocked by pre-unlocking whenever I'm expecting someone. 1 10:11 AM - 3 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I keep all my receipts in case I'm fingered for a murder, I can prove I was elsewhere. 1 12:54 PM - 4 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I consider carpet to be a birdcage for humans. Both allow dirt to fall below the standing surface to minimize the need for cleaning. 1 10:06 AM - 5 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I like when girls' ears poke out of their hair. 1 8:45 AM - 6 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I always make sure my hair is never over my food while cooking or eating so it can't fall in. 1 10:20 AM - 7 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I wish the term stalker still meant something. In my day, it involved binoculars and bushes, not visiting someone's online profile twice. 1 1 10:57 AM - 8 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent A good way to calm someone down you're about to murder would be to say they're on Scare Tactics. 1 2:05 PM - 9 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I'm very afraid of the garbage disposal. I'm not entirely sure those rubber wings will protect me from whatever metal comes flying out. 1 11:03 AM - 10 Mar 2012
  5. 5. Lucent @Lucent Having a ceiling fan is like having a helicopter landing in your living room all the time. Reach up to put an arm in a shirt, whack! 1 1:04 PM - 11 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I know fireworks are essentially lame because I see parents trying to enhance the experience for kids. "Wowee! Ooh! Look at that! Kaboom!" 1 11:35 AM - 12 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I wonder if my leg hair stopping exactly at my sockline is a coincidence, or my socks are just pulling out all my leg hair. 1 10:44 AM - 13 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I pretend to think all slices of pizza are equal, but as soon as that box flips open, I've already decided on my top three. 1 1:25 PM - 14 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I like the shallow learning curve of photography. Imagine being a painter and the worst you could do was exactly duplicate real life. 1 11:26 AM - 15 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I wish I had the self control to own food items that can be immediately eaten. 1 8:43 PM - 16 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't know why songs on the radio are allowed to contain the sounds of emergency vehicles. 1 11:52 AM - 17 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I like to fantasize about meeting a celebrity and pretending not to be impressed. 1 11:02 AM - 18 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I find it ironic that at a karaoke bar, the creeps are the ones who can sing. 1 11:40 AM - 19 Mar 2012
  6. 6. Lucent @Lucent I didn't know the Battle of the Bulge was an actual battle. I thought it was just a metaphor for weight loss. 1 10:45 AM - 20 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent My urge to flood, and swim in, glassed in showers has not decreased with age. 1 8:37 AM - 21 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent Why are cockroaches included in allergy tests? Aren't you going to avoid those regardless of whether you're allergic to them? 1 10:23 AM - 22 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent Remember when your parents accidentally called you stupid? Then they weaseled out with, "I didn't call you stupid, just your actions." Nice. 1 7:35 AM - 23 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I always hear decapitations described as having your head chopped off. Isn't it actually your body that gets chopped off? 1 10:23 AM - 24 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent People who want a "good listener" worry me. Are you so uninsightful that I have to be “good” at sitting there to stomach how boring you are? 1 11:18 AM - 25 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent It's considered poor taste to ask disabled people to attempt to overcome their disability for your amusement. Unless it's colorblindness. 1 11:07 AM - 26 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I like Frappuccinos because they're a socially acceptable way for an adult to enjoy a milkshake. 1 11:47 AM - 27 Mar 2012
  7. 7. Lucent @Lucent I know when scientists talk about finding life in the seas of Titan, they mean microbes, but I can't help but hope for a big spacedolphin. 1 11:08 AM - 28 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I hate seeing how deeply and vigorously people rub their eyes and knowing I do it myself. 1 11:08 AM - 29 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I can't seem to worry in the morning. Thoughts things that kept me up the night before are neutral the next morning. 1 9:17 AM - 30 Mar 2012 Lucent @Lucent I always count the number of letters in a spelled phone number on TV to make sure there aren't too many. 1 11:13 AM - 31 Mar 2012
  8. 8. Lucent @Lucent I feel awful for people specifically cast as ugly, like the girls in Shallow Hal. 1 10:05 AM - 1 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent Weather alerts always read like telegrams from the 1900s with their all caps and excessive use of ellipses. Only thing missing is FULL STOP. 1 12:30 PM - 2 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent Sometimes I don't hang up after a phone call and just watch the call timer to see if they're being lazy and expecting me to disconnect. 1 10:20 AM - 3 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent I'm often afraid to read my Facebook feed with others around because of the risk of a chat box popping up and what it might say. 1 1:29 PM - 4 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent I never know who to vote for in the shareholder annual meeting e-mails. Seems harder to figure out than even city council elections. 1 10:07 AM - 5 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't really know the bounds of my car and am consistently amazed it doesn't fall off the edge of narrow roads or clip bumpers as I park. 1 7:49 AM - 6 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent I think it's tacky when people "forget" to take off their employee badges when going out in public. 1 9:43 AM - 7 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent When my foot is off the brake at a light, I can feel the car drifting both forwards and backwards, even though I'm sure it's not moving. 1 10:40 AM - 8 Apr 2012
  9. 9. Lucent @Lucent The sound of me being injured in the shower will be significantly louder than dropping the soap. No need to check on me in the latter case. 1 5:05 PM - 9 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent If someone borrows money from me and doesn't pay it back, I judge their every action on Facebook. "Eating out? Could've paid me back twice." 1 11:18 AM - 10 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent Isn't it presumptuous to call a magazine Better Homes & Gardens? Doesn't that imply they're all better than yours? 1 11:19 AM - 11 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't use the five-second rule because it's not the germs that bother me but the dirt and debris. Those don't delay ruining floor candy. 1 10:21 AM - 12 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent If a photo exists of someone with African children, you can be damn sure it'll make it to their Facebook profile picture. 1 1:41 PM - 13 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent Don't seat me right next to the only other occupied table. The whole restaurant is empty. 1 10:11 AM - 14 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent Recycling almost makes me feel okay about the dozens of cardboard boxes I've accumulated from buying shampoo and cereal on Amazon. 1 12:01 PM - 15 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent Sometimes, I'll shower with the lights off. 1 10:02 AM - 16 Apr 2012
  10. 10. Lucent @Lucent The spammier and phonier mail is, the more it tries to convince you otherwise. "Tampering with mail is illegal! Time sensitive!" 1 11:08 AM - 17 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent I won't sign up for a web site if my desired username is unavailable. 1 12:19 PM - 18 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent When traveling the USA, the only real reminder I'm far from home is the mismatched TV affiliate numbers. NBC-2? FOX16? Very unnerving. 1 2:35 PM - 19 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent When the commercials are in 5.1 but the show isn't, I'm angry at the commercials when I should be angry at the show. 1 5:06 PM - 20 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent I feel foods that offer a resealing tab are saying they shouldn't be eaten in one sitting, but I doubt Junior Mints are ever left for later. 1 12:07 PM - 21 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent How come scripted TV static in shows and movies always looks so fake? Can't they just record some real static while fiddling with wires? 1 2:31 PM - 22 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent I think I may be the only one who doesn't have strong feelings, positive or negative, about Facebook or Twitter. 1 2:18 PM - 23 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent If anything is going to make me late in the morning, it is invariably an unfindable belt. 1 11:36 AM - 24 Apr 2012
  11. 11. Lucent @Lucent My generation is ill-equipped to handle needles in new and dry cleaned clothing. It just seems dangerous and unnecessary. 1 11:34 AM - 25 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent The question isn't so much "Do I want popcorn?" I like popcorn. It's "Do I feel like digging husk from under my gums for the next two days?" 1 11:21 AM - 26 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent Instead of high schoolers taking home a fake baby, let's try sending them home with some old NiCd batteries to keep healthy and memory-free. 2 2:31 PM - 27 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent I like how the shell of Klondike and Magnum ice cream bars collects in my mouth for enjoyment when the ice cream is finished. 1 2:02 PM - 28 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't understand the need to clean up water when it's spilled at home. It dries completely and cleanly on its own. 1 10:47 AM - 29 Apr 2012 Lucent @Lucent Whenever someone with a bashed up car makes a bad traffic maneuver, I can’t help but judgmentally think, "That's how you got those dents." 1 11:13 AM - 30 Apr 2012
  12. 12. Lucent @Lucent Adding someone on Facebook and finding out they used to be fat from old photos feels like uncovering a dark, unspeakable secret. 1 10:45 AM - 1 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent None of the brass instruments impress me because their sound can be exactly duplicated by raspberries on various parts of the body. 1 11:44 AM - 2 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent Nothing says a startup has failed quite like mopey "You haven't logged in in a month" e-mails. 1 1:43 PM - 3 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent I'm certain that if I had a complete physical they'd find something horribly wrong. 1 2:18 PM - 4 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent Around town, I wonder how travelers imagine our lives based on our exits, the way I imagine their lives based on their exits when I travel. 1 11:01 AM - 5 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent Every so often something so great happens I want to go back and tell depressed high school me, "Stick around, this'll happen." 1 2 12:07 PM - 6 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent I spend a lot of time tracking and trying to get rid of obscure gift certificates and rebate cards. 1 2:31 PM - 7 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent I like when newscasters pretentiously switch accents when pronouncing foreign city names. 1 1 12:03 PM - 8 May 2012
  13. 13. Lucent @Lucent Who are all these people who get on the interstate and then immediately get back off again at the very next exit? 1 10:05 AM - 9 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent I sit while people stand in line for the gate at the airport but still feel compelled to jump in line as if I could get left behind. 1 2:09 PM - 10 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent I'm not all that excited by instant-on streaming video. I'd rather wait for it to load than risk even one interrupting pause. 1 12:03 PM - 11 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent When missing a deadline at work, the schoolkid in me sometimes wants to ask, "Am I in trouble?" 1 1:53 PM - 12 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent I can hate someone just from seeing how they drive. 1 1:46 PM - 13 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent On vacation, I feel like we're all playing chicken with each other. We'd rather sit around but we have to pretend to want to do stuff. 1 4:26 PM - 14 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent Not only is Jello made of cow bone slurry, it also has the texture of a jellyfish, which most people won't even touch. 1 12:27 PM - 15 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent Whether I'm on business or pleasure, every night I spend away from home I take a long bath. 1 11:21 AM - 16 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent When on a guided tour, I can't help but multiply the rate by the number of customers to determine how much the guide is making. 1 11:26 AM - 17 May 2012
  14. 14. Lucent @Lucent I learned many years ago never to rest my elbow on the armrest in a car while scratching my eye. 1 8:12 PM - 18 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent If you eat an airline meal with your earplugs in, it feels like worms are burrowing into your brain. 1 5:15 PM - 19 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent I wonder if the intense partying at bachelor(ette) parties is designed to be miserable to create a final aversion to freedom and debauchery. 1 5:23 PM - 20 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent When visiting a sick friend at the hospital, I try to humanize them to the staff with personal details as if they're hostage takers. 1 3:35 PM - 21 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent The more artifically humble a bio is, the more accomplished its author thinks he is. "I review patents. Also came up with a neat theory." 1 11:22 AM - 22 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent I pretend not to have seen a movie if I thought it sucked and someone just said they liked it. 1 12:52 PM - 23 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent I have no sympathy for businesses or even entire industries whose business models are obsoleted by a new competitor. 1 4:03 PM - 24 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent When dating someone significantly shorter, the perpetual anxiety that the first kiss could happen at any moment is missing. 1 10:53 AM - 25 May 2012
  15. 15. Lucent @Lucent Stats like "Americans eat 4 billion pounds of cheese a year" are meaningless to me. Do the division. Tell me how much one person eats a day. 1 1:23 PM - 26 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent Due to careful stacking of washed utensils, it's possible the bottom spoons and forks in my drawer have never been used. 1 12:37 PM - 27 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't often put in a movie due to the commitment involved. If it comes on TV, though, that's a different story. 1 9:21 PM - 28 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent I can't stand B&W TV shows or movies. I can't even stand other color schemes like Technicolor. 1 5:00 PM - 29 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent I carefully fold my keys before putting them in my pocket so they're not jutting every which way. 1 11:29 AM - 30 May 2012 Lucent @Lucent Feel-good daytime talk shows seem normal, until a cut to applause shots of the audience. The lifeless expressions suggest something's amiss. 1 7:56 PM - 31 May 2012
  16. 16. Lucent @Lucent Statistically, I should guess right half the time, but when fitting bed sheets, I always match one's long edge with the other's short edge. 1 11:59 AM - 1 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent I wish web sites had a login option that said "I'm not a homeless person at a library. I own a computer. Keep me logged in forever." 1 1 10:43 AM - 2 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent I wish sunscreen didn't save its waterproofing powers for when I'm trying to remove it in the shower at the end of the day. 1 11:21 AM - 3 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent I know it's time to trim my toenails when one toe's nail begins cutting into the adjacent toe. 1 8:03 AM - 4 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent I think they got it backwards. I always thought Mr. Ed sounded more like a human name and Wilbur more like a horse name. 1 9:39 AM - 5 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent I've had so many scammy experiences with inkjet printers that I hate inkjet technology in general rather than the specific manufacturers. 1 4:21 PM - 6 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent When I sit down to eat in front of the TV, commercials come on. When I finish eating, the show returns. 1 10:11 AM - 7 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent I feel very accomplished when I finish a milk jug just before it's going to expire. 1 3:55 PM - 8 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent Hiding your past to keep your children from repeating it always ensures that they do. 1 1:00 PM - 9 Jun 2012
  17. 17. Lucent @Lucent I'm sick of TiVo ad-skippers and Internet-only TV watchers acting like Martians every time an ad comes on. "How weird, a commercial!" 1 12:44 PM - 10 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent Every red "alarm will sound" barrier on a door is a lie. You can open any of them without consequence. Your friends may panic, though. 1 1 10:10 AM - 11 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent When I hear of a shooting, even one block away, I draw an imaginary line between it and my home and call it another "area" so I feel safe. 1 1 8:56 AM - 12 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent At self-serve frozen yogurt places, I'm very conscious of the taste-to-weight ratio of toppings. Not wasting money on heavy, unsugary fruit. 1 12:46 PM - 13 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent That horrible feeling of watching what's obviously your food be delivered to the wrong table. 1 7:43 AM - 14 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't get research papers. The goal is to combine and reword many sources and pretend it's your own work but copying exactly is forbidden? 1 10:00 AM - 15 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent I can't help but look for reflections of the camera in peoples' eyeglasses in movies. 1 11:35 AM - 16 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't mind rappers boasting when it's earned, but copying a song and then talking over it about how musically gifted you are seems ironic. 1 10:47 AM - 17 Jun 2012
  18. 18. Lucent @Lucent I find time-outs too cruel to use on children. Time-outs are the punishment they use on you in prison when you're already in prison! 1 10:37 AM - 18 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent I never cared for teachers pretending to figure something out with us when they were really just playing a game of "guess what I'm thinking" 1 6:27 PM - 19 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent If everyone gets the same glowing eulogy at death regardless of whether they were a jerk, how will we know when actual good people die? 1 9:16 AM - 20 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent In America, having more cars more often signals hardship than prosperity. Over 5 in the yard and you may want to stop and offer canned food. 1 8:51 AM - 21 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent Thanks for noticing I lost weight, but I don't know who you are and I'm sure we've never spoken before. 1 9:11 AM - 22 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent My favorite candies are the hard sugary letters used to spell happy birthday on your cake. 1 4:38 PM - 23 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent On most issues, I either have no opinion at all or an opinion so out of the mainstream it can't be politely discussed. 1 11:17 AM - 24 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent Every concert I attend, the band somehow weasels out of playing their all-time most popular song. 1 11:41 AM - 25 Jun 2012
  19. 19. Lucent @Lucent I suspect people who post pictures of their car's thermometer showing how hot it is just do it to brag that their car has a thermometer. 2 9:14 AM - 26 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent Unless I start creating garbage a lot faster than I buy groceries, this bag collection is only going to get bigger. 1 10:00 AM - 27 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent I suspect the fatherly wisdom of next generation will be how to get what you want from customer service rather building or fixing things. 1 7:51 AM - 28 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent Waking up on the half hour throws me off. Don't know if I'm hitting my getting ready milestones on time. Brush teeth by :15, shower by :30? 1 9:03 AM - 29 Jun 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't know why you'd bother suction cupping things to the shower or bathroom mirror. You might as well be pulling the pin on a grenade. 1 10:31 AM - 30 Jun 2012
  20. 20. Lucent @Lucent I must have a small mouth, because I always have to look for that one normal sized spoon among all the huge ones in the drawer. 1 11:08 AM - 1 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent The best thing about visiting home is rifling through old drawers, remembering my childhood one trinket at a time. 1 9:58 AM - 2 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent Showering sometimes makes me so thirsty I'll turn off the hot at the end and drink showerwater. 1 9:25 AM - 3 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent I always try to order a beer at "family" diners that don't serve to show them I'm not intimidated by their attempt to shame me for drinking. 1 11:03 AM - 4 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent I suspect the real reason drunk driving is dangerous isn't because it impairs reflexes or attention but because it impairs fear of death. 1 9:54 AM - 5 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent A good litmus of whether you're fat is if you can sit on the remote without realizing it. 1 8:24 AM - 6 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent Telling me more tickling could result in urination doesn't encourage me to stop. It does just the opposite. 1 2:18 PM - 7 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent The anticipation of waiting for ordered pizza to arrive is far more intense than it should be. 1 9:28 AM - 8 Jul 2012
  21. 21. Lucent @Lucent If you mention Facebook and hear "I have one but I don't use it" that actually means "If you search, you'll find me, but I won't add you." 1 12:10 PM - 9 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent Reaching old age is no longer the accomplishment it was, so I think it's time we stopped giving old people extra respect just for being old. 1 4:40 PM - 10 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent It's comforting to see songs I "discover" eventually make the top 40. That lets me know probably very little good stuff is getting lost. 1 3:31 PM - 11 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent I like songs better when I can't quite make out the lyrics. Probably why I like a lot of foreign music too. 1 9:01 AM - 12 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent I can't help but feel something is amiss when the travel expenses on a business trip amount to more than my pay. 1 12:58 PM - 13 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent When picking a restaurant with friends, there's always one I dance around and secretly want them to bring up, so they think it's their idea. 1 12:41 PM - 14 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't do well at McKay because I find the customers more interesting than the books. Characters welcome. 2 3:01 PM - 15 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent I researched something I want to buy online. Now I have to look at ads related to it for the next month. 1 9:59 AM - 16 Jul 2012
  22. 22. Lucent @Lucent It's been a while since I bought a CD and forced myself to listen to the filler songs so I didn't feel like I spent $15 for their one hit. 1 6:54 PM - 17 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent Candy flavors like watermelon taste nothing like a real watermelon. They all taste like each other--what we've learned to call "watermelon." 1 12:19 PM - 18 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent It's unsettling how strongly cereal glues to the bowl when it's left in the sink for just a few hours. 1 8:26 AM - 19 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent Every so often I’ll "check" and find that my eyebrows are raised for no apparent reason and probably have been for some time. 1 1:53 PM - 20 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent I'm starting to wonder if Twitter is only popular because people see it as a way to potentially be noticed by celebrities. 1 2:07 PM - 21 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent UFC is the result of taking all the fake stuff out of wrestling. It appears, however, that the fake stuff was also the entertaining stuff. 1 11:02 AM - 22 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent It's presumptuous when old people who knew me as a child try to hold that over my head as if that entitles them to some familiarity now. 1 12:17 PM - 23 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent If human hands are at all involved in retrieving ice for my drink, I'd rather go without. 1 7:53 AM - 24 Jul 2012
  23. 23. Lucent @Lucent I find it narcissistic when Podunk towns associate themselves with national news by finding a victim’s brother’s cousin who lives here. 1 11:21 AM - 25 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent Why don't houses or apartments have urinals? Only public places get such a luxury? If I buy a home I'm putting one in. 1 2:29 PM - 26 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent I must like runners because whenever I Google girls I like, all I find are race results. 1 12:08 PM - 27 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent I always walk back into the kitchen moments before the microwave dings. It's my superpower. 1 1 6:49 PM - 28 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent Clothing feels a lot like sandpaper with a sunburn. 1 1:30 PM - 29 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent The last popcorn pop on the Regal train always startles me. 2 9:46 AM - 30 Jul 2012 Lucent @Lucent I can’t believe Gold Bond "medicated powder" is still sold. Is that for old people who don't like these newfangled creams and ointments? 1 6:07 PM - 31 Jul 2012
  24. 24. Lucent @Lucent I remember the number value of the TV volume setting I prefer so I can determine if I'm slowly going deaf. 1 12:54 PM - 1 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent It starts out as a game, but after the first clawing, getting your feet out of the covers with the cat watching becomes serious business. 1 10:12 AM - 2 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent I wonder how many suicidal people are only sticking around for upcoming episodes of their favorite TV shows. 1 10:34 AM - 3 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent Sunburns help my complexion because my face is too burned to pick at and scratch. 1 2:44 PM - 4 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent I recover from a nightmare by remembering it and realizing it's not real--it didn't happen. If I don't remember it, how can I recover? 1 11:33 AM - 5 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent I avoid stopping under bridges at traffic lights so I don't lose satellite radio reception. 1 6:40 PM - 6 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent When I was a kid I was thrilled to ride in the back seat with a girl I liked. The faster we went, the more sharp turns squeezed us together. 1 7:59 PM - 7 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent Sometimes I'll quickly end a conversation with someone I like because dragging it out only gives me more opportunity to screw up. 1 10:48 AM - 8 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent I opened the hood of my first car thinking, "I'll learn what's inside and how to fix it" only to find a single sealed shiny Japanese thing. 1 7:58 PM - 9 Aug 2012
  25. 25. Lucent @Lucent Whenever I see a beautiful woman smoking, I can't help but think, "How hard can your life be, looking that good, that you need to smoke?" 1 11:19 AM - 10 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent I'm not impressed with made up lyrics to "Call Me Maybe." It's crazy and maybe that rhyme, so you can put in any non-rhyming words yourself. 1 11:10 AM - 11 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent Hope it was worth saving that 2% merchant fee to lose me as a customer. If you don't take credit, I'm buying elsewhere. 1 10:22 AM - 12 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent My preferred shower towel fell on the floor. Now I have to use a different one until it's washed. It's more unpleasant than it sounds. 1 10:23 AM - 13 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent When I wake up naturally, the day is on my terms. I would never voluntarily choose to wake up to a buzzing noise. Someone's making me. 1 10:37 AM - 14 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent Driving around town with the previous generation is annoying because they can't shut up about how "all this used to be farmland." 1 11:35 AM - 15 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent I'm not one to delete numbers from my phone. Enemies' numbers are the most important to have, so their calls aren't accidentally answered. 1 1 10:43 AM - 16 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent It would've been far less suspenseful if dying in The Matrix meant they just had to take the brain spike out, blow on it, and put it back in 1 11:07 AM - 17 Aug 2012
  26. 26. Lucent @Lucent Maid service is one of the few jobs for which I'd prefer to hire someone mentally ill. Obsessive-compulsive, ideally. 2 1:55 PM - 18 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent I like how if I take a girl to the symphony, I get credit for composing the music. I'm just a jerk who walked into a room at the right time. 1 2:37 PM - 19 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent When hearing a story involving a death, I always ask how they died. It's selfish, but I want to make sure I’m not doing anything they did. 1 2:30 PM - 20 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent Today an unrecognized number called and didn't leave a message. I couldn't handle the suspense of not knowing who or why and called back. 1 6:33 PM - 21 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent Whenever I pull a muscle in my neck, I'm reminded of how operating a head is a lot like operating a crane. There is some finesse required. 1 11:34 AM - 22 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent I get my hair cut every 6 weeks. However, if there's an event coming up or I'm meeting a model, I've been known to move it up to 5 weeks. 1 11:52 AM - 23 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent Furniture stores are one of the few businesses that are actually proud to file bankruptcy. 1 4:18 PM - 24 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent Even though it's the less masculine position, I prefer to be the bottom arms in a hug. 1 11:25 AM - 25 Aug 2012
  27. 27. Lucent @Lucent Whenever I see people laughing in my rear-view mirror, I always worry it's somehow at my expense. 1 1:03 PM - 26 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent I remember a distinct jumping phase in my childhood when the temptation to jump down a flight of stairs or over a couch was overwhelming. 1 12:02 PM - 27 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent Not knowing much history makes documentaries a lot more suspenseful. "Will it be Dewey or Truman? I can’t wait to find out!" 1 10:24 AM - 28 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent The constant panic of refueling and spending of time in Timberlake's "In Time" reminds me of my relationship with charging my cell phone. 1 10:35 AM - 29 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent I know the branding department did a good job when I can tell the company from the font alone and no other hints. 1 11:06 AM - 30 Aug 2012 Lucent @Lucent Only after I strip off my sheets to do wash do I get the urge to take a nap. I want what I can't have. 1 2:14 PM - 31 Aug 2012
  28. 28. Lucent @Lucent I now know enough people that I have to look decent every time I go out because I'm probably going to run into someone. 1 1 1:00 PM - 1 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent If a girl with glasses likes me, I worry she doesn't know how I really look. Who isn't more attractive blurry? 1 12:34 PM - 2 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent I know babies cry a lot, but when I see a baby crying in a movie, it disturbs me to know that they may have "made" it cry. 1 8:52 PM - 3 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent I am now slim enough that people can safely accuse me of pigging out at a meal without committing a faux pas. 1 6:10 PM - 4 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent When I move my hands while talking, I forget that you can’t see the graphs and shapes I imagine filling the air around my fingers. 1 3:16 PM - 5 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent I wish watermelon juice existed. Surely that burst of flavor when biting into an especially red piece can be captured in juice form. 1 4:49 PM - 6 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't like going to restaurants, on vacation, or really anywhere alone. I need a sidekick. 2 3:26 PM - 7 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent I never found the whole Geico caveman thing funny in the least. 1 6:33 PM - 8 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent I change channels forever in bed only to roll over and fall asleep the second I've picked out a watchable TV show. 1 1:58 PM - 9 Sep 2012
  29. 29. Lucent @Lucent After waking, it takes me too long to realize dreams didn't happen. "How did I get back from Mars? I don’t remember the space shuttle ride." 1 4:02 PM - 10 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent It seems the shaving cream can has an infinite supply if you're willing to wait. It just comes out infinitely slowly toward the end. 1 11:06 PM - 11 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent At birthday parties, I have a pre- candle-blowing powwow with the birthday person to coach them on blowing air rather than spit at the cake. 1 4:25 PM - 12 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't use a phone case because it negates literally millions of dollars of engineering spent making the phone as thin as it is. 1 12:05 PM - 13 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent One of the only reasons I can think of for having a house is so neighbors can't judge me for listening to the same song four times in a row. 1 1 7:34 PM - 14 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent I know something is really good when instead of being impressed, I wonder why it wasn't invented before. 1 7:55 PM - 15 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent Whenever I have to yell to someone far away, everyone but that person hears me. 1 1 4:16 PM - 16 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent When I see a bug crawling on the wall, I should go after it, but instead I usually just slide my bed a little farther away from the wall. 1 2:04 PM - 17 Sep 2012
  30. 30. Lucent @Lucent When local news shows us a web site, I like to peek at the top of the browser instead to see their other tabs and bookmarks. 2 8:08 PM - 18 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent I find it tedious when the main character has to be convinced to do something required for there to be a show. Just take the case, Mr. Monk! 1 1:57 PM - 19 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent Once I think I hear my phone ring in the shower, the whole remainder of the shower is nothing but phantom phone rings. 1 12:48 PM - 20 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent A good way to freak me out would be to say that forgetting whether you've washed your hair in the shower is a sign of losing one's mind. 1 3:51 PM - 21 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent I didn't appreciate the power of peer pressure until I was forced to eat a fork tine by 3 girls. No one stuck up for my right to not eat it. 2 3 11:05 AM - 22 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent I wish a social norm existed saying 5 years after a friend/relationship ends, you’re expected to be truthful about what went wrong if asked. 1 12:55 PM - 23 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent I can't help but lose all respect for someone who hasn't noticed that double clicking is excessive when following links on the Internet. 1 3:17 PM - 24 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent I'm glad bugs don't have internal skeletons. It would be a lot creepier to find a tiny row of ribs and pelvis where one died. 1 4:33 PM - 25 Sep 2012
  31. 31. Lucent @Lucent I want to learn braille so I can read what elevator and office signs are really saying. They never have enough letters for the actual text. 1 12:47 PM - 26 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent Having a convertible is acknowledgement that humans are no different from dogs and just want to stick their head out the window on a drive. 1 12:43 PM - 27 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent It worries me that my enemies are probably just as motivated by "Lose Yourself" as I am. It would worry me even more if I played sports. 1 7:31 PM - 28 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent As a kid, I couldn't understand why wrapping pipe cleaners around the pipes under the sink and rubbing wouldn't magically clean them. 1 6:02 PM - 29 Sep 2012 Lucent @Lucent I'm not sure why, but I want to go to the weddings I'm not invited to and don't want to go to the ones I am invited to. 1 11:25 AM - 30 Sep 2012
  32. 32. Lucent @Lucent If you find your hottest Facebook friend, then find her hottest friend in her group pictures, and so on, soon you'll want to kill yourself. 2 4:15 PM - 1 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent The expiration year on batteries always seems so far in the future. Then the next time you look at them it's passed. 1 4:31 PM - 2 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent It takes me out of the moment when movie/TV characters wear glasses I can tell are fake because reflections reveal they have no curvature. 1 3:31 PM - 3 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent I'm worried that I don't like Zooey Deschanel despite her boyvoice, but because of it. Also, Vi Hart. 1 5:55 PM - 4 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent I've discovered that rubbing eyes to remove debris doesn't work well. The eye already has a refined debris removal system known as blinking. 1 3:53 PM - 5 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent I think I've washed my hands well, then find cheese or ketchup on the back of my fingers. 1 8:19 PM - 6 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent I always find things in my jacket pockets on the first cold day of the season. A whole year can make even an old movie stub a neat find. 1 8:19 PM - 7 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent I didn't think it was possible, but seeing my car driven by the bowl cut Korean in "Gangnam Style" somehow makes it seem cooler. 1 1:05 PM - 8 Oct 2012
  33. 33. Lucent @Lucent For some reason, I like to burn my current favorite songs to a CD, take them out to the car, and then skip over half the songs I just chose. 1 6:10 PM - 9 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent I just realized I can now go to Urban Dictionary and look up all those terms the cool kids wouldn't tell me the meaning of in high school. 1 3:01 PM - 10 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent I always appreciate a movie or TV scene shot at sunset. It's such a short amount of time to work with. 2 6:47 PM - 11 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent The nods and expressions exchanged after each movie preview in the theater can reveal a lot about a couple's compatibility. 1 3:38 PM - 12 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't like wearing anything long sleeved because I spend the whole time making sure the end of the sleeves aren't rotated wrong. 1 5:43 PM - 13 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent If I think about where my feet go too much while climbing stairs, I'll get tripped up. 1 6:31 PM - 14 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent When trimming nails, if I find at least 8 clippings, I consider that a cleanup victory. My bare feet will later find the rest later. 1 1:59 PM - 15 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent Remember how easily our parents were fooled by jerk friends greeting them politely? "He's such a nice boy!" Wait, why did I have jerks over? 1 2:16 PM - 16 Oct 2012
  34. 34. Lucent @Lucent I'm just waiting for someone at Barnes & Noble to fuss at me for talking in the coffee area. It's a store, not a library, cheapos. 1 2 2:15 PM - 17 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent Asking me to guess what time it is in an attempt to shame me for sleeping in does not work. You will not get the desired reaction. 1 11:29 AM - 18 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent I usually like browsing the odd items that aren't a store's speciality. If I'm made to go to T.J.Maxx, I'll browse the odd foreign foods. 1 2:28 PM - 19 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent I'm a lot more comfortable looking at and holding eye contact with people around me in public when I'm on the phone. 1 5:41 PM - 20 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent I've always found birthdays to be very pretentious. We're all, "Look at me, I was born!" 1 2:17 PM - 21 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent I buy all my pants, but shirts are a different story. They're all freebies from one source or another. 1 2:23 PM - 22 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent Not only was I afraid of the sound of fireworks as a kid, but the popping open of a biscuit can. No way of knowing exactly when it happens. 1 11:15 AM - 23 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent "If you weren't dating me, would you date her?" was apparently not supposed to be answered honestly. 1 11:54 AM - 24 Oct 2012
  35. 35. Lucent @Lucent All the tricks I used as a kid to delay and avoid showers have come back to haunt me as an adult. To this day, I put them off for no reason. 1 4:44 PM - 25 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent When dealing with telemarketers violating the do not call list, I have a different voice and name I use, Detective John Dandell. 1 9:34 PM - 26 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent One of the most frustrating feelings is knowing my package is just a mile away at a UPS center and there's no way I can get it. 1 5:45 PM - 27 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent Nothing makes me more inclined to laugh in a situation than knowing laughing will get me in trouble. 2 1 5:39 PM - 28 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent It is now cold enough that I use only the hot knob when starting my showers. I don't mix in anything at all from the cold knob. 1 2:07 PM - 29 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent Bragging about being a "PhD candidate" in an e-mail signature looks pathetic since even "US presidential candidate" isn't signatureworthy. 1 10:51 PM - 30 Oct 2012 Lucent @Lucent I pretend to be annoyed when kids try to climb on me, but secretly I'm excited to be chosen as the fun adult. 1 2:18 PM - 31 Oct 2012
  36. 36. Lucent @Lucent One of the most underrated feelings is the satisfaction of knowing that things would be worse off if you weren't there, doing what you do. 1 1 10:20 PM - 1 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent It's absolute misery listening to each photo's story as someone shows you their photo album, unless I'm controlling the page turning speed. 1 4:45 PM - 2 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent I thought I outsmarted YouTube's stuttering by pausing immediately and waiting, but now they've outsmarted me by not buffering when paused. 1 1:43 PM - 3 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent I'm not sure why the first cell and car phone covers were poorly-fitted leather bags with Velcro, but I'm glad we've moved away from that. 1 3:12 PM - 4 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent If I ever have a mug shot, I'm going to smile widely so whoever looks me up will think, "He looks like a nice boy. Maybe he's innocent." 1 1:16 PM - 5 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent I wish they'd show the floor after Jay Leno is done with Headlines. I want to see the mess of cards after he's thrown them all down there. 1 11:10 AM - 6 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent My philosophy is the opposite of work hard, play hard. It's more like: work unenthusiastically, sit around. 1 5:34 PM - 7 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent Have teachers considered that gum is stuck everywhere in classrooms only because it's banned? Without the ban, there's no need to hide it. 1 2:30 PM - 8 Nov 2012
  37. 37. Lucent @Lucent I always find the hotel amenities like the heated pool and hot tub just as I'm checking out. 1 3:25 PM - 9 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent People talk about creativity and ignoring the Lego instructions, but I've never seen anyone make anything other than a house without them. 1 11:57 AM - 10 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent Someone tried to make me feel bad for knowing the T-Mobile girl's name. Doesn't everyone Google every cute commercial and TV show girl? 1 5:27 PM - 11 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent If I'm at someone's house for dinner and there's a plate on a napkin on another plate, I know I'll have to use the forks in the right order. 1 12:07 PM - 12 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't like when restaurant employees set the thermostat for the whole place uncomfortably cold because it gets hot in their work area. 1 8:54 PM - 13 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent It's sad watching multi-level marketing newcomers burn through all their social capital just to sell some makeup, soap, and a few handbags. 1 2:56 PM - 14 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent What's nice about the digital age is I can be a hoarder and no one can tell by the appearance of my home. 1 3:04 PM - 15 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent Sometimes I like exercising just for how good it makes water taste. 1 3:49 PM - 16 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent Someday I'll have enough discipline to make my popcorn and candy last beyond the movie previews. 1 11:37 AM - 17 Nov 2012
  38. 38. Lucent @Lucent I feel like I can predict who's going to date before they make it official from their increased Facebook interactions and shared photos. 1 1:03 PM - 18 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent If I'm making salad and a leaf falls behind the stove, I take consolation knowing that whatever bug finds it will receive little nutrition. 1 5:03 PM - 19 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent When someone's telling me a story and pauses to ask if I've heard of something, I'll just answer yes to speed them along even if I haven't. 1 5:05 PM - 20 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent Sometimes I feel like a cry, but I don't want to deal with the stuffy nose that comes along with it, so I cancel the whole ordeal. 1 6:54 PM - 21 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent Old people love clipping things from the newspaper and giving them out. I guess that's their generation's version of sharing links. 1 11:41 AM - 22 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't like when stairs are too narrow because then I have to gallop down them sideways like a horse. 1 1:53 PM - 23 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent Maybe it's because I've had the same number and address book since 1997, but I always feel bad when I text someone and get, "Who's this?" 1 12:57 PM - 24 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent The only purpose of junk mail is to let me know today's mail has arrived so I can stop repeatedly checking it. 1 12:25 PM - 25 Nov 2012
  39. 39. Lucent @Lucent Whenever I have to use the bath towel to dry my face, I hope I'm not using the part I used to dry, say, my feet. Or something worse. 1 3:48 PM - 26 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent I think get over a crush after only seeing her in photos for months, but the next time I see her she looks like I remember and I relapse. 1 11:17 AM - 27 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent When you gloat about graduating high school before I was born, I'm not impressed. I just wonder why you haven't done more with your life. 1 3:33 PM - 28 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent Sometimes the only reason I want to see a movie is because the song used in the trailer is so awesome it clouds my judgment. 1 10:43 AM - 29 Nov 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't wear pants in my home. In fact, that's how I determine if a place is my home. If I have to wear pants, it's not. 1 10:55 AM - 30 Nov 2012
  40. 40. Lucent @Lucent What is up with the floor in the Bearden Kroger? Is that place just carved out of a mountain? 1 12:21 PM - 1 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent I wouldn't say I'm a liar, but depending on who I'm telling a story, the same facts may be offered with a totally different interpretation. 1 2:38 PM - 2 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent It feels odd asking, but whenever someone's telling me a story, I need to know what the characters involved look like. 1 4:25 PM - 3 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent You can tell how unhealthy a relationship was by how many likes the "went from being in a relationship to single" status change gets. 2 11:09 AM - 4 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent I was very disappointed when I learned canopy beds were more of a girl thing. They just seem so cool. 1 11:41 AM - 5 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent I spent half an hour on the phone with Comcast to get $30 back. It's not so much that I want the money; I just don't want them to have it. 1 10:52 AM - 6 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent If I somehow end up in two separate texting threads with one person, I'll try my hardest to merge them by replying to both in one message. 1 11:09 AM - 7 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent Whenever I hear about crop circles, I'm always puzzled as to why no one's upset about the destruction of crops. 1 12:30 PM - 8 Dec 2012
  41. 41. Lucent @Lucent I think I'm subconsciously buying foods my girlfriend dislikes so they won't get eaten. 7:29 PM - 9 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent I like rainy days because then I don't feel bad about doing nothing all day. It's not like I'm wasting a nice day indoors. 1 5:17 PM - 10 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent As a child of divorce, Mrs. Doubtfire hit a little too close to home for me to fully enjoy. 1 1 6:08 PM - 11 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent When did it become socially acceptable to allow your dog to assault passers-by? If I want to be licked and climbed on, I’ll get my own dog. 1 6:05 PM - 12 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent Every nonfiction book I read is such a life changer that I'm afraid to start reading a new one. 1 11:37 AM - 13 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent I don't care for the special features or extended cuts of movies. Stuff is cut out for a reason, and behind the scenes clips ruin the magic. 1 2:43 PM - 14 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent If I ever need dental work it'll give me PTSD. I already have nightmares and flashbacks of sounds and sensations I've never ever experienced 1 2:02 PM - 15 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent For once in my life, I want to see the news interview a killer's neighbor and hear, "Yeah, he was evil. I totally saw it coming." 2 1:35 PM - 16 Dec 2012
  42. 42. Lucent @Lucent The only dreams I remember are short clips of realistic situations that confuse me the next day as to whether they really happened or not. 1 12:03 PM - 17 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent I get more Christmas cards from companies I've done business with than individuals. 1 11:09 AM - 18 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent Those "you can steal others' gifts" holiday parties seem to serve no other purpose than to create animosity among people you barely know. 1 11:25 AM - 19 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent Everyone who zooms to the end of a closing lane to jump in front, causing the traffic jam they wish to avoid should be summarily executed. 1 11:45 AM - 20 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent It isn't fraud that worries me when losing a credit card, but having to re- setup autopay for all my monthly bills. 1 5:38 PM - 21 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent I give many reasons for my hate of Wal-Mart, but what keeps me from shopping there is the exit receipt checkers treating me like a criminal. 1 5:17 PM - 22 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent I'm surprised my chin isn't always bruised with how many times the phone slips out of my hands in bed and whacks me in the face. 1 1:02 PM - 23 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent I only do the daily Tweet thing to stay fresh in the mind of someone I rarely see. If reading this gave you a tingle, it's probably you. 1 9:44 PM - 24 Dec 2012
  43. 43. Lucent @Lucent I wonder how many kids kept their families from enjoying a fire last night because they didn't want to scorch Santa. 1 11:07 AM - 25 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent I suspect dieting is harder than quitting smoking. You can't quit food cold turkey. You have to find the magic amount between none and fat. 1 5:35 PM - 26 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent I find you can only help so much by being nice. People are put off if they know you know you're helping. That's why I pretend to be a jerk. 1 12:10 PM - 27 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent That terrifying feeling of already committing to sitting down while simultaneously not being sure the rolly chair is beneath you. 1 4:36 PM - 28 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent Whenever I needed an easy A and couldn't come up with anything, I wrote about how hard it was to be a teacher. They ate that up. 1 2:35 PM - 29 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent When cooking for others, if I feel a sneeze coming, I'll move into their view first so they don't have to wonder if it went in their food. 1 12:50 PM - 30 Dec 2012 Lucent @Lucent When I find a years-old post online exactly describing my symptoms, I wish I could contact the person just to ask if they're still alive. 1 2:17 PM - 31 Dec 2012
  44. 44. Lucent @Lucent The flip side of being able to be excited about things as rare as winning the lottery is we can also be anxious about things just as rare. 1:21 PM - 1 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent A 365 daily quotes tear off calendar? More like 365 sheets of tear off booger paper. 12:18 PM - 2 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent It's funny how quickly people pretend there's no movie camera around, as if they're showing off their ability to be compliant movie extras. 10:15 AM - 3 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent How is it chocolate chips in cookies survive a 400 degree oven journey and then melt as soon as they're touched by human hands? 5:47 PM - 4 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent People choose passwords that are intimate, personal. They say, "If you can guess it, you know me well enough to deserve the secrets herein." 2:47 PM - 5 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent When I hear a doctor is "great," I wonder if the person telling me realizes friendliness has no bearing on a doctor's skill or expertise. 12:22 PM - 6 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent Now that everyone knows those "employees must wash hands" signs are more for us than them, they seem more unsettling than comforting. 5:02 PM - 7 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent When I see people holding up signs at a concert all I can think about are all the people behind them who can't see. 5:24 PM - 8 Jan 2013
  45. 45. Lucent @Lucent Time after being out of cell phone reception before I start to worry a loved one has died and I can't be reached: 30 minutes. 10:55 AM - 9 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent "Wow, that was a huge pothole. I'll have to remember never to change lanes exactly there… I'll never remember that." 2:59 PM - 10 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent I got a foot scrubber for my shower floor but it's too tickly to use. 1:57 PM - 11 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent When I'm writing my e-mail address on paper for someone, I write the lowercase a's in computer font. 11:49 AM - 12 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent I love when there's a single warm summer night in winter. It reminds me of the past summer and teases me about the one coming. 9:14 PM - 13 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent I feel like a rebel when I skip past the empty cordons guiding a line to be wavy. 3:15 PM - 14 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent I think the reason I avoid umbrellas is the memory of them pulling my hair out if they get too close to my head. 11:40 AM - 15 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent Every so often, my heart makes a gurgling sensation, and in that moment, I'm absolutely certain I'm going to die. 1:26 PM - 16 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent I hate running out of milk just when a snowstorm is predicted, because then I must become one of the very people I make fun of. 11:29 AM - 17 Jan 2013
  46. 46. Lucent @Lucent It's amazing how oblivious I was to how many dishes I was dirtying until I had to wash them myself. 1:13 PM - 18 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent The only fight-or-flight, life or death moments I experience are when the trash settles and it sounds like an intruder's sneaking around. 11:10 AM - 19 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent After eating, my tongue ferrets around each of my teeth removing food particles for quite a while, possibly making me look a little crazy. 11:11 AM - 20 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent That feeling of disappointment when a second person walks in the theater after thinking I was getting a private viewing. 1 1:05 PM - 21 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent I always use too much shampoo in the first shower after a haircut. I haven't yet adjusted to how little hair I have. 1 10:16 AM - 22 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent If these UT crime alert texts are quick enough, maybe we could use them to become the neighborhood superheroes. 10:02 AM - 23 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent Protein bars are the only thing I've found, that after opening the box, are labeled for individual resale. 12:09 PM - 24 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent I'm thinking of a clever way to ask my parents if they remember a famous ice storm here decades ago since I was born exactly 9 months later. 3:38 PM - 25 Jan 2013
  47. 47. Lucent @Lucent One of the perks of being on a trip elsewhere is getting to leave my keys behind. It makes me feel especially unencumbered. 12:48 PM - 26 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent When couch computing, just sneaking the non-mousing arm under the blanket dramatically increases my warmth. 11:19 AM - 27 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent What bothers me about losing a paper I'm writing isn't the lost time but knowing there were great sentences I'll never be able to recreate. 11:42 AM - 28 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent I like when people don't watch the same shows as me so I can recycle their jokes and pass them off as my own. 10:08 AM - 29 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent I wish there was a universal signal for "It's raining turn your lights on." I've tried both the duckbill and jazz hands with little success. 1 3:26 PM - 30 Jan 2013 Lucent @Lucent Childhood scolding has made me so averse to keeping things under my bed that I feel I'm now neglecting its potential as a storage space. 11:27 AM - 31 Jan 2013
  48. 48. Lucent @Lucent I hate being given a mason jar to drink out of at someone's home. The screw- top grooves can't really be cleaned as thoroughly as I'd like. 2:58 PM - 1 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent Now that I think about it, it seems fishy that the rent for February is the same price as every other month. 1 1 5:55 PM - 2 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent Saying news is "fair and balanced" is like saying an online college is "real." It takes away more credibility than it adds. 1 1:27 PM - 3 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent You know someone's made an impact on your life when you consider naming a kid after them. 2 12:09 PM - 4 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent The first time something is stolen and you report it to the police, you expect fingerprinting, interrogations. It doesn't happen. 1 9:18 PM - 5 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent If I feel my lip touch the spout of a public water fountain, I just try to leave my body. 1 2 5:17 PM - 6 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent If you add "for party rocking" to the end of an apology, it somehow seems less genuine. 1 11:16 AM - 7 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent If after a routine support call, I fantasize about the downfall of your company and plot to destroy it entirely, you're doing it wrong. 1 12:00 PM - 8 Feb 2013
  49. 49. Lucent @Lucent A general crazy girl warning would be nice, but I'd settle for an alarm that warned me if she mentally combined her first name with my last. 1 10:49 AM - 9 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent I find closed captions to be addictive. If I turn them on for a short time, I become dependent and need them on all the time. 1 11:46 AM - 10 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent I find it odd that everyone on TV can sing. Not because they need to, but because they had to beat someone who couldn't for the spot. 1 11:23 AM - 11 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent What I find coolest about the Mission Impossible Tom Cruise is how nonchalantly he milks those 5 seconds before the briefing self-destructs. 1 11:02 AM - 12 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent I know a warm seat is a warm seat, but my emotions range from comforted to weirded out depending on who did the warming. 1 12:44 PM - 13 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent I found a way to foil those girls who flirt until you show interest and then go cold. I never show interest and let them exhaust themselves. 1 12:21 PM - 14 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent If you dare mention having bought a sonic toothbrush, others will not hesitate in making sure you know they've had theirs longer. 2 2:25 PM - 15 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent When driving, I so rarely see someone correctly turn into the closer lane that I feel a deep bond with anyone else who does it. 1 11:41 AM - 16 Feb 2013
  50. 50. Lucent @Lucent I hate when a swinging door doesn't indicate which side to push. To avoid the shame of guessing wrong, I just push the middle really hard. 1 1:35 PM - 17 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent I tell people the TV tray in the bathroom is for shower accessories. It's not. It's for a laptop. 1 4:07 PM - 18 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent Sometimes I'm thankful my clothing drawers are so disorganized. I thought I was out of socks until I struck a vein of them under the shirts. 1 11:15 AM - 19 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent I've never accidentally gone into a women's bathroom, but I still do a triple take at the word and symbol to make sure I'm choosing wisely. 3 11:29 AM - 20 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent Can it get worse than looking up someone on Facebook you'll meet and then later showing them your phone only to have their profile still up? 1 12:21 PM - 21 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent I would wash my face more often, but it's so hard to get the suds out of my eyebrows. 1 3:29 PM - 22 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent I don't know why I try to skip days shaving. It doesn't save time. It just takes twice as long to shave the next day. 1 11:39 AM - 23 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent It was nice growing up without social media because even though I wasn't popular, I also didn't know about all the parties I was missing. 1 3:20 PM - 24 Feb 2013
  51. 51. Lucent @Lucent Why are people respected for sticking to their principles even when wrong? If you're often wrong, you should be more compromising, not less. 1 12:16 PM - 25 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent With a good support network, you can get through anything, as long as what you're getting through doesn't betray those people. 1 1:40 PM - 26 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent I know it's been a stressful day when I actually lie face up on the dirty shower floor to relax. 1 11:11 AM - 27 Feb 2013 Lucent @Lucent I'm not sure when I started taking allergy pills year round…for seasonal allergies, but I don't like it. 1 1:18 PM - 28 Feb 2013
  52. 52. Lucent @Lucent I'm sorry, I'd like to do something today, but now that I realize I've lost my wallet, I'm too crippled by anxiety to enjoy anything. 1 1:15 PM - 1 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent I don't understand why a chin driven into the back feels so much different than a finger or even elbow. 1 1:06 PM - 2 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent People always manage to turn down the car radio to say something right when my favorite song is on, and it's never that important. 1 11:37 AM - 3 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent It's hard differentiating your parents' dreams for you from yours, harder if they started so early you can't tell they're not your dreams. 1 11:55 AM - 4 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent I've yet to read a local news story where the article's comments didn't call for the death of some party mentioned in the story. 1 11:23 AM - 5 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent I'm not sure if I'm getting taller every day or my rear view mirror just keeps sagging down after I adjust it. 1 1:18 PM - 6 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent I hate when the shower water doesn't get hot enough for me to coast off its warmth until I get in bed. 1 11:34 AM - 7 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent The balance beam in gymnastics strikes me as so sexist, men can't even watch it without cringing, much less participate. 1 10:58 AM - 8 Mar 2013
  53. 53. Lucent @Lucent I'm annoyed people on judge shows suddenly can't tell a simple story without peppering their speech with "at which point" and "proceeded to" 1 12:58 PM - 9 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent If you're going to encourage a dieter to eat, you might as well go ahead and encourage an alcoholic to drink, too. 1 2:21 PM - 10 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent It's not that I'm stingy, I don't like sharing food because I've already prepared myself to eat that much and less would be disappointing. 1 11:49 AM - 11 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent I don't know who mister in-between is or what he represents, but thanks to Mad About You's frequent warnings, I will be avoiding him. 1 11:15 AM - 12 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent Despite my old age, to this day, my desire to go outside is still almost entirely determined by how clear I think my complexion is that day. 1 1:39 PM - 13 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent I remember hating that one person for being so widely liked. Now I want to become the person a few people hate for being universally liked. 1 11:32 AM - 14 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent Before, I had to wonder if a girl was too good for me. Now, I can just look her up on Facebook to see if her boyfriend is cuter than me. 1 3:25 PM - 15 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent You know you're waiting for an important e-mail when you comb through the spam folder like someone lost an earring. 1 1 10:50 AM - 16 Mar 2013
  54. 54. Lucent @Lucent I hate being the second one to walk to the table in a restaurant. Now I have to face away from the action and be snuck up on all night. 1 10:25 AM - 17 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent I wish putting in a movie randomly selected a possible ending, so I would be justified in worrying they wouldn't make it out this time. 1 10:33 AM - 18 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent Thanks to careful tracking, I have completely eliminated the joy of being surprised by an unexpected package from my life. 1 11:04 AM - 19 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent My version of "disaster prepping" is charging my phone if a thunderstorm is coming. 1 1:37 PM - 20 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent It's hard for me to enjoy the local news because I get anxious waiting for them to trip over their words. 1 2:01 PM - 21 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent I start out eating 1 or 2 popcorn kernels at a time, but halfway through the bag, I'm cramming in a dozen at once to maximize the flavor. 1 2 1:39 PM - 22 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent If someone asks me my astrological sign, I'll pretend not to know to deter them from thinking this conversation can go anywhere. 1 11:28 AM - 23 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent If you get tinted windows, admit that you've entirely dropped out of traffic socialization and stop trying to give hand signals I can't see. 1 11:24 AM - 24 Mar 2013
  55. 55. Lucent @Lucent That horrible feeling of being asked what was said right after you fake laughed pretending to have heard it. 1 10:18 AM - 25 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent The shower drain is blocked. I guess I'll just spend the entire shower kicking the hairs away instead of picking them up like I should. 1 11:10 AM - 26 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent Tom Bergeron strikes me as what old people think young people think a cool old person is like. 1 5:20 PM - 27 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent The one chivalrous thing I do for my girlfriend is walk on her left at the mall to shield her from the kiosk hustlers and grifters. 1 12:28 PM - 28 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent At the start of a move, I'm extra careful about furniture touching the ground. By the end, I'm dragging mattresses through wet grass. 2:48 PM - 29 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent If I'm meeting someone new and can't get their name right, on the third try I'll give up and repeat what they said in their own inflection. 10:48 AM - 30 Mar 2013 Lucent @Lucent I know a nap was too long if I wake up wondering what day it is. 1 11:53 AM - 31 Mar 2013
  56. 56. Lucent @Lucent That awkward moment when running into someone in public a second time after just having a forced chat and firm goodbye. 1 11:22 AM - 1 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent I'm going to start calling dusk skyfall just because it sounds cooler. "At skyfall, we will go get tacos." 3 11:16 AM - 2 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent I know the words ascending and descending, but it's easier to just click both until I see what I want rather than figure it out by thinking. 1 11:57 AM - 3 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent Why can't I get ice cream when it's cold outside without shame? I don't eat it because it's a coolant; I eat it because it's delicious. 1 1 12:24 PM - 4 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent It's hard not to go full middle school when a friend says someone talked about me. "What were her exact words?" 1 2:10 PM - 5 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent How come I can tell exactly how many hours of sleep I got just from how yucky my eyes feel when I wake up? 1 7:19 AM - 6 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent It's amazing how much I can be psyched out just by someone else asking, "Does she have a crush on you?" 1 12:11 PM - 7 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent I know there's nothing wrong with them, but I don't feel right eating the Siamese strawberries. 1 10:55 AM - 8 Apr 2013
  57. 57. Lucent @Lucent Whenever I forget my credit card or sunglasses at a restaurant, I'm very glad I tipped. 1 11:09 AM - 9 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent Whenever someone says "snap back to reality" in any context, my imagination continues, "oh, there goes gravity!" 2 11:14 AM - 10 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent Companies could cut down on complaints if they shipped things in order of who most frequently reloads the order status page. 1 11:12 AM - 11 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent I hate it when I point my head a little too far up in the shower and accidentally waterboard myself. 1 1:36 PM - 12 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent We must all have the same poor brushing technique because it seems everyone has that same yellow corner canine. 1 2:34 PM - 13 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent Who are these people who can walk around the house while brushing? I look like I have rabies. 1 11:52 AM - 14 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent I find talking about cancer in terms of battle, winning, and losing as archaic and offensive as saying someone is confined to a wheelchair. 1 11:12 AM - 15 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent I'm tired of your logic puzzles, spammers. "Please uncheck the checked boxes for subscriptions you no longer wish to unsubscribe from." 1 11:15 AM - 16 Apr 2013
  58. 58. Lucent @Lucent If my search history is ever on trial, I hope I remember to tell them there was a news story related to "ricin poisoning" when I searched. 1 11:59 AM - 17 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent If I'm mugged on the walk home from this run I hope I just give up my wallet, rather than fight like the runner's high is encouraging me to. 1 11:24 AM - 18 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent All this practice condensing thoughts to one hundred forty characters has really honed my skill at leaving detailed, scathing eBay feedback. 1 1:10 PM - 19 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent It's amazing how finding a hair in your mouth can bring a stop to any activity, and I do mean any activity. 2 1 12:30 PM - 20 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent I'm careful when buying a pinstripe suit because once the pinstripes get too far apart, it can only be worn by preachers and evangelists. 2 12:33 PM - 21 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent Opaque shower curtains are stupid. I need light to see what's going on in the shower or it’s like a one player game of 7 minutes in heaven. 1 11:49 AM - 22 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent I find blurring out babies' genitals on American's Funniest Home Videos much creepier than not blurring them out. 1 11:33 AM - 23 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent I sleep such unusual hours that my best chat friends end up being people in other time zones. 1 11:30 AM - 24 Apr 2013
  59. 59. Lucent @Lucent After looking through dozens of your Facebook photos, I have no idea what you look like, but I know exactly what your baby looks like. 1 10:50 AM - 25 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent I won’t squish bugs. Not out of sympathy but because I don’t want to see what’s inside of them. 2 12:30 PM - 26 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent Sinus sickness hydration is an art. If I drink too little water, my nose dries out. Drink too much and it has too much fuel to make mucus. 1 12:14 PM - 27 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent One of the funnest parts of travel preparation is picking out the miniature toiletries from the miniatures aisle at Target. 1 11:52 AM - 28 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent I really should just turn the lights on instead of spending those two dangerous minutes feeling around for the outlet in the dark. 1 11:26 AM - 29 Apr 2013 Lucent @Lucent Answering no to "Can you keep a secret?" never seems to slow the momentum of the secret-teller. 1 10:59 AM - 30 Apr 2013
  60. 60. Lucent @Lucent If you're an app developer, clear out the notifications before taking a screenshot. Lack of attention to detail does not inspire confidence. 2 12:46 PM - 1 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent It wasn't worth it to install that one app. Now everything's shifted over and I can't find anything anymore. 1 12:02 PM - 2 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent Sometimes I contemplate exactly how drunk I would need to get to do well being interviewed on TV. 1 2:04 PM - 3 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent I changed what I wanted to say after I snapped the picture for SnapChat, and now my facial expression doesn't match the caption. 1 11:48 AM - 4 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent How long I stay up is directly proportional to how badly I want to avoid the hassle of my nightly routine. 1 11:36 AM - 5 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent That awkward moment when a casual "that's why I love you" slips out in the first few months of a relationship. 1 10:59 AM - 6 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent To get back at those who irritate me by pronouncing picture as "pitcher," I'm going to pronounce wolf as "woof" every chance I get. 2 11:29 AM - 7 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent The scariest thing about the threat of being licked is I can actually hear the sounds of a tongue coming toward me once it leaves the mouth. 1 10:38 AM - 8 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent I try to relax when vacuuming, but there's a certain panic and urgency as soon as a vacuum cleaner is switched on and I don't know why. 1 12:15 PM - 9 May 2013
  61. 61. Lucent @Lucent If you hide when something’s wrong by saying it's nothing, you can't complain that I’m asking what’s wrong too much when things seem off. 2 8:12 AM - 10 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent Often I think a movie was great just because I saw it in the theater, and then think back weeks later and realize it was quite mediocre. 1 11:34 AM - 11 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent Thinking back, all those fights for the check I witnessed among family were bragging and status displays, not generosity competitions. 2 10:55 AM - 12 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent When assuming a fighting pose, I bounce around like the Mortal Kombat animation loop. Surely that helps or they wouldn't do it. 1 10:26 AM - 13 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent I get the impression that most people are aware of where north is at all times. I am not one of those people. 1 11:25 AM - 14 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent I felt something crawling on me. Now I have to claw and smack at various phantom sensations until I forget it happened. 2 10:55 AM - 15 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent Exercise with friends usually just turns into an unspoken competition of who can breathe the least heavily. 2 11:33 AM - 16 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent My last name is unusual enough that I'll just make one up for takeout orders or restaurant seating. The trick is remembering that name. 1 1:09 PM - 17 May 2013
  62. 62. Lucent @Lucent I hear about whitewater rafting like it's a causal thing, but from the videos I see, not everyone makes it back. 1 12:32 PM - 18 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent I can't convince the previous generation that sealed tubs for cereal and bag clips for chips are unnecessary. Foods have preservatives now. 2 12:14 PM - 19 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent People so often lie about having enough legroom in the back seat that it's socially acceptable to reach back there and feel for their knees. 1 12:14 PM - 20 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent I sent texts to two people and didn't get any replies an hour later. The network must be down. 1 11:15 AM - 21 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent It sounds conceited, but I don't bother playing the lottery unless the payout is at least half a billion dollars. 1 11:14 AM - 22 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent If you were actually important, you could ignore that call. That you have to take it means your obligations are more important than you are. 2 11:52 AM - 23 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent The best way I've found never to get stuck at red lights is to need a chance to reply to a text. 1 11:34 AM - 24 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent You don't have to slow down. That cop car on the other side of the interstate can't jump the four-foot concrete barrier and chase you. 1 11:53 AM - 25 May 2013
  63. 63. Lucent @Lucent I've yet to encounter a time when "you didn’t give me a chance to answer" didn't actually mean "you didn’t give me time to make up a lie." 2 10:42 AM - 26 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent After driving with that watermelon in the trunk, I'm not even worried about the hamburger buns. They're long dead. I'm worried about my car. 1 11:31 AM - 27 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent I'm especially annoyed that despite being given liquids for five hours, my guest did not once even see the bathroom I cleaned for hours. 1 11:15 AM - 28 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent Either someone's in this bathroom or I didn't turn the handle far enough. I'll wait a minute and try again so they think it's someone else. 1 10:31 AM - 29 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent When someone adds "you don’t know him" in reference to a character in their story, it always irks me, even if I really don't know him. 1 12:02 PM - 30 May 2013 Lucent @Lucent Birthday wrapping paper covers a lot since most holidays are birthdays in disguise. Happy birthday America, happy birthday Jesus, and so on. 2 4:05 PM - 31 May 2013
  64. 64. Lucent @Lucent Wake up early to do outdoor activities in order to avoid the midday heat? The cure sounds worse than the disease. 1 8:35 AM - 1 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent Those green interstate signs would look a lot nicer if they'd trim off the extra green corners beyond the rounded white border. 1 11:46 AM - 2 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent New friend request! Maybe that cute girl I met looked me up and was bold enough to add me. Nope, another jerk from high school. 1 8:34 AM - 3 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent Someone needs to tell advertisers that things being handmade is a turnoff to my generation. I want machine made. 1 8:09 AM - 4 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent If the GPS is going to talk over the best parts of my songs, I'd rather just be lost. 1 9:55 AM - 5 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent I miss the time before channel guides and the thrill of seeing a studio logo and wondering if an awesome movie was about to come on TV. 1 8:01 AM - 6 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent I used to hold my breath when entering public restrooms to avoid the smell, but now it's more a game to see if I can hold it until I leave. 1 1:24 PM - 7 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent When carving into a tub of butter, I always aim for the region yet untouched by another's knife. 1 10:07 AM - 8 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent I never really noticed how ensoulment is baked into everyday language. When someone dies, we don't say Mark was found, we say Mark's body. 1 12:39 PM - 9 Jun 2013
  65. 65. Lucent @Lucent I know these pants are too tight because taking the keys out of my pocket gives me a meaningful amount of wiggle room. 3 5:20 PM - 10 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent Apparently there's a facial expression for "I can't hear you" because when I can't hear someone they always figure it out and speak up. 1 6:19 PM - 11 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent I am now confident enough in myself not to feel the need to claim I shower and brush more times per day than I actually do. 1 11:54 AM - 12 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent I get a warm fuzzy feeling when someone nearby at Starbucks leaves their keys and phone for a moment. I must look somewhat trustworthy. 1 12:26 PM - 13 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent I'm sure polarized sunglasses have some practical purpose, but I just like how deep blue they make the sky look. 1 4:09 PM - 14 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent For something that can be replaced with $10 and a 5 minute trip to Walgreen's, I sure stress about packing all my toiletries for a trip. 1 11:53 AM - 15 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent I always have a voice in my head that's perfectly reasonable, calm, and lucid offering advice and analysis no matter how smashed I get. 1 3:08 PM - 16 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent Whoa, is that blood in the sink from brushing? Never mind, just remembered I ate chocolate an hour ago. 1 8:17 AM - 17 Jun 2013
  66. 66. Lucent @Lucent It's not that a piece of chocolate spoils my appetite. I'm still hungry, but anything other than more chocolate will taste like cardboard. 1 8:09 AM - 18 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent I can turn a can of mixed nuts into a can of peanuts in a matter of hours. Cashews are the first to go. 1 9:56 AM - 19 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent I know when to use who and whom but avoid the latter when speaking to avoid being considered snobby. 1 9:53 AM - 20 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent I don't like knowing who I'm dating would ever consider dating someone other than me. 1 8:21 AM - 21 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent It worries me that I have to remind myself if the phone starts to slide off my leg while driving, don't swerve the car to keep it balanced. 1 10:02 AM - 22 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent I hate knowing the plot of a TV show is constrained by certain villains not being allowed to die because they're main characters. 1 10:24 AM - 23 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent There's no need to filter what I see, Facebook. I have plenty of free time to view everything all my friends post. 1 9:32 AM - 24 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent When in a hotel bed, every itch or crawling sensation causes me to throw off the blankets and make sure it's not a bug. 1 10:33 AM - 25 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent Despite having lived here a decade, I still haven't learned which light switch goes to which light and have to flip every one every time. 1 9:10 AM - 26 Jun 2013
  67. 67. Lucent @Lucent I know summer has started when I stand in front of the air conditioning to dry off after a shower instead of using old fashioned towels. 1 10:15 AM - 27 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent While in Savannah, I learned that like Muslims, Girl Scouts must visit the birthplace of their founder once in their life. 1 9:17 AM - 28 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent What does it mean for our compatibility if we both like Ellie Goulding, but we totally disagree on which of her songs we like? 1 12:06 PM - 29 Jun 2013 Lucent @Lucent The channel numbers now go so high that I'll have to spend more time telling my parents the cable box is showing the channel, not the time. 2 11:13 AM - 30 Jun 2013
  68. 68. Lucent @Lucent That terrifying feeling of looking at a sleeping person in the dark and hallucinating that their eyes are open, staring back at you. 1 7:51 AM - 1 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent I don't feel bad at all for peeking at others' food as it's delivered if your restaurant doesn't have pictures on the menu. 1 8:22 AM - 2 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent As an adult, I now know they're Nilla wafers and manila envelopes, but I keep saying vanilla for both anyway. 2 10:58 AM - 3 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent Dear GPS, so long as there are no turns, I could not care less if the road I'm driving on changes names. 1 10:07 AM - 4 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent Two people I know look alike, but they’re not equally good looking, so I can only tell one of them because the other will be insulted. 1 10:39 AM - 5 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent I don't mind if someone gets my name wrong as long as the person I'm mistaken for is better looking. 2 10:59 AM - 6 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent No, of course I don’t have any kids! Oh wait, I'm now old enough for that to be a valid question. Disturbing. 1 2 11:21 AM - 7 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent The way things are going, I expect my neighbors to totally run out of fireworks right about July 3, 2014. Then I assume I'll get some peace. 1 2 8:15 AM - 8 Jul 2013
  69. 69. Lucent @Lucent I’m afraid everyone I meet can tell how far I’ll go in life by looking at me but won't say, the way I think I can tell that about others. 1 8:24 AM - 9 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent My fantasy that I could be an actor is not reconcilable with my inability to come up with more than three facial expressions for SnapChat. 1 11:17 AM - 10 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent I'm sure this pizza delivery driver will be both cautious and patient, said no one ever. 1 1 11:00 AM - 11 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent I'm not sure why it's the radio shows in the morning that are all talk based. That's the time of day I least want to hear inane babble. 3 8:57 AM - 12 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent This is her first time at my place. A joke about not being a murderer could put her at ease or really freak her out. Do I take the risk? 1 11:02 AM - 13 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent I feel dumb when I don't catch something until the second or third viewing of a movie. Surely everyone else noticed that on the first watch. 1 1 10:58 AM - 14 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent I hope people see me as the magician I think I am when I remotely pop my trunk just as I walk up to it with groceries. 2 2 8:11 AM - 15 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent "Let's try selling it as an allergy pill." "But it's just a sleeping pill." "They can't sneeze if they're asleep." –Benadryl marketing team. 3 8:14 AM - 16 Jul 2013
  70. 70. Lucent @Lucent I don't think I could recognize Lady Gaga in person. 1 10:34 AM - 17 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent Q: How do you know if someone is from Franklin or Brentwood? A: Don't worry, they'll tell you. 1 1 10:03 AM - 18 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent Just because I had a dream about you doesn't mean I'm in love with you. I am, of course, but that has nothing to do with the dream. 1 11:13 AM - 19 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent It's time we started calling reality TV stars what they really are, game show contestants. 2 10:36 AM - 20 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent Watching the Scholars' Bowl on PBS is a no-win situation. Even if I get the answers right, I'm still a loser for beating kids. 2 9:49 AM - 21 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent If I were an evil genius trying to ruin a social networking site, my plan would just be to help parents sign up for it and add their kids. 1 8:00 AM - 22 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent A good door-to-door business would be selling those sticks you turn to open and close venetian blinds. I'm forever twisting that metal hook. 1 7:53 AM - 23 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent This guy either just rejected my handshake or has poor peripheral vision. Either way, he is now dead to me. 2 11:01 AM - 24 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent You won't hear me curse often. Not because I'm opposed to it, but so when you finally hear it, it'll be shocking enough to mean something. 4 10:24 AM - 25 Jul 2013
  71. 71. Lucent @Lucent I'm going to have my kid watch The Matrix early on so he'll see the fetus field scene and not want to know more about how babies are made. 2 11:10 AM - 26 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent Someone's reading the same page with me. To avoid embarrassment, I have to switch to fast reading mode where I only understand about half. 1 9:43 AM - 27 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent All these people telling me to sell my treadmill remind me that others can spot when I've quit something better than I can. 1 11:22 AM - 28 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent The only reason my generation seems better with computers may be that the previous is afraid of clicking around to figure things out. 2 7:58 AM - 29 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent Time to unfollow people until I have more followers than I'm following to help myself esteem. I'll claim it's for "cleanup" purposes. 1 8:30 AM - 30 Jul 2013 Lucent @Lucent I wonder if the mall got rid of its tile floor because too many kids were injured trying not to step on the dark squares. 1 9:46 AM - 31 Jul 2013
  72. 72. Lucent @Lucent The veterinarian's office is a strange place. I wouldn't trust a human hospital that also offered haircuts and manicures with its surgeries. 1 9:35 AM - 1 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent Sometimes I want to favorite an especially bold or meaningful post, but worry I don't know the person well enough to get away with it. 1 7:49 AM - 2 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent I wondered how my bed kept getting made when I didn't remember doing it. Turns out that's my nervous pacing activity while on the phone. 1 10:22 AM - 3 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent I spend a lot of time trying to differentiate people having a bad day from the permanent jerks so I can save my meanness for the latter. 2 10:48 AM - 4 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent Alright, someone fatter than me by the pool just took their shirt off. Guess I will too, then. 1 10:33 AM - 5 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent I'm not an especially daring, risk-taking type of person, until it comes to moving food around with my fingers in a hot frying pan. 2 5:09 PM - 6 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent It's not that I want a waterproof phone. I just want a phone that doesn't seek out and leap into any water it can find. 1 9:11 AM - 7 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent If someone pauses when asked if they're single, they're really saying, "I'm not, but I can be if you want me to be." 1 1 10:16 AM - 8 Aug 2013
  73. 73. Lucent @Lucent Netflix automatically plays the next episode of a series? That's as dangerous as a bartender who just brings another drink without asking. 2 8:56 AM - 9 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent Coliseum is one of those words that looks like it's spelled wrong even when it's spelled right. 1 6:15 AM - 10 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent I figure out how much sleep I got by looking at how many hours ago the last tweet I remember was. 1 9:47 AM - 11 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent That awkward moment when "real" slips out instead of biological when referring to non-adopted children. 1 9:14 AM - 12 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent Quit showing aliens as culturally intolerant savages. They figured out interstellar travel but get offended by the wrong kind of handshake? 2 10:57 AM - 13 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent I get so turned off when sci-fi aliens wax about the resilience of the human spirit. Have you met us? We go suicidal if a show is cancelled. 1 2 11:09 AM - 14 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent Sometimes the victims in horror movies scream so much that I lose sympathy for them. 1 10:23 AM - 15 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent That slurping sound wasn't me rudely trying to get the waitress to refill my glass. I just didn’t realize how little was left. 1 8:20 AM - 16 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent A friend blabbed to my mom that I wasn’t feeling well. Now I have to endure questioning and torture greater than the original malady. 3 10:23 AM - 17 Aug 2013
  74. 74. Lucent @Lucent I remember being way too impressed with myself as a kid for having different personalities around different people. 1 11:04 AM - 18 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent I’m happy to serve on a jury because I hope if I were charged with a crime, those who judged me weren't bitter that they had to be there. 1 8:03 AM - 19 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent Eventually one of my older Facebook friends is going to share an article that's not completely false. I think 2013 is the year it'll happen. 2 11:05 AM - 20 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent I don't know you, but we've added each other on every other social network, so what's one more? 1 9:53 AM - 21 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent My hobby: provoking new acquaintances into mentioning me in a post online and then stalking them to find out what they said about me. 2 11:10 AM - 22 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent My method of ironing clothes is to lock them in the bathroom with me while I shower and let the steam do its thing. 2 8:37 AM - 23 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent Sadly my excuses for talking to girls are so good they don't realize I like them. "That wasn't flirting. He just had an important question." 2 10:53 AM - 24 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent As much as I dislike my speaking voice, what I really hate is my shouting-over-music voice. That must sound awful. 2 1:10 PM - 25 Aug 2013
  75. 75. Lucent @Lucent I'm not trying to evade your question. I just really can't tell if I like a song until I've heard it a few times. 1 11:20 AM - 26 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent Sorry I ignored your shouts of "hey" on the street. To save embarrassment, I just assume those are all beginnings of cell phone calls. 1 4:11 PM - 27 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent That tingle you get when a girl dances really, really well for just one second after she spent half an hour claiming she can't dance. 1 1:51 PM - 28 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent I leave Children's Hospital brochures and magazines lying visible in my car to deter the more ethical thieves. 1 12:15 PM - 29 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent The only reason I clean the microwave tray is so I can safely enjoy burned cheese that drips down there. 1 1:22 PM - 30 Aug 2013 Lucent @Lucent Yes, I'm carrying laundry, but I'm not going to the laundry room floor. I'm going to the floor that takes me out the door to my mom's. 1 9:16 AM - 31 Aug 2013
  76. 76. Lucent @Lucent Everyone at this party has already formed their groups. Now to practice the fine art of standing here and looking like it doesn't bother me. 2 9:48 AM - 1 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent You might be getting old if you see an item in an antique store and say, "I have one of those. It still works great!" 1 11:01 AM - 2 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent I know I've gone too far out in the country when I'm genuinely afraid for my life to turn around in someone's driveway. 1 10:57 AM - 3 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent Don't act like you don't know you're good looking. Girls narrate your actions right in front of you. "He just said hi to me!" 1 10:15 AM - 4 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent You know an elevator is crowded when you catch yourself dividing the weight limit by the number of people onboard. 1 10:29 AM - 5 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent I can't shake the feeling that everyone gets better battery life than me and I'm just one odd setting or app removal away from lasting days. 2 1:26 PM - 6 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent I'm pretty sure that even if I weren't colorblind, I still wouldn't understand what it meant for clothing colors to "match." 1 10:39 AM - 7 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent If lawyers are such experts at performing for a crowd and public speaking, how come they make the worst, phoniest commercials? 2 11:35 AM - 8 Sep 2013
  77. 77. Lucent @Lucent I don't consider myself gifted at understanding lyrics, but when I look up ones I can't understand, they somehow get more wrong than I do. 1 10:30 AM - 9 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent Please, no sudden moves. I'm using a Q-tip in a way not advised by the directions. 2 12:50 PM - 10 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent If they made chocolate-flavored toothpaste, I'd either like toothpaste more or chocolate less. Both seem like clear health victories. 1 9:19 AM - 11 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent I bet I can cut my own hair with just a mirror. OK, the first four snips got nothing but air. That may be a bad sign. 1 10:53 AM - 12 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent Now they're just a brown chewy goo, but I wonder if when they were invented, Tootsie Rolls were supposed to be a cheap chocolate substitute. 1 4:41 PM - 13 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent I know a meal was good when I have phantom flavor flashbacks of it days later. 2 1:02 PM - 14 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent At this point, I no longer consider the radio versions of Taylor Swift and Bon Jovi songs the originals. I consider them the non-goat mixes. 2 11:22 AM - 15 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent Beware the man who must pay for movers, for he does not have good friendships. 1 12:35 PM - 16 Sep 2013
  78. 78. Lucent @Lucent Don't get me wrong, I appreciate being liked by the good people, but I consider being disliked by the bad people just as great an honor. 1 1 11:06 AM - 17 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent That first time you watch Tosh.0 with someone and they talk over all his jokes, not yet realizing he's actually pretty funny. 1 11:51 AM - 18 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent I may be in the minority on this, but when renting a car or ordering food, I consider getting "more for my money" a downgrade, not upgrade. 1 10:52 AM - 19 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent That time I tricked my foreign relatives into thinking I could rap by reciting the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song. 3 2:13 PM - 20 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent Credit scores are like a very slow- paced, high-stakes video game for adults. 1 11:22 AM - 21 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent Now I have to rewind yet again because I keep forgetting I can't look away from subtitled movies and just listen to the dialogue. 1 11:23 AM - 22 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent Cartoons have misled me about how much of an apple is edible. 1 1:07 PM - 23 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent It's unsettling to know that if you meet two or more girls, they've already silently communicated to each other what they think of you. 1 10:18 AM - 24 Sep 2013
  79. 79. Lucent @Lucent I want to date you because that’s the only way we'll be intimate enough for me to squeeze all those distracting blackheads out of your nose. 1 10:17 AM - 25 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent I don't need to carry around my music collection any more than I need to carry around every book I own. I only listen to the newest 3 songs. 1 3:27 PM - 26 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent As we walk out: "You're not going to lock your door?" Well, now that you announced it's unlocked to the entire hallway, I guess I have to. 1 1 1:20 PM - 27 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent Paperless billing? You mean I get to save your company money while also having less evidence to use against you in a billing dispute? Nope. 2 2 4:42 PM - 28 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent Ducking while walking in front of my TV watching path is a nice symbolic gesture, but let's be real, you're not low enough to actually help. 1 11:52 AM - 29 Sep 2013 Lucent @Lucent At the rate we're going, the valuable antiques we pass down to our children may be unlimited mobile data plans. 1 1 12:18 PM - 30 Sep 2013
  80. 80. Lucent @Lucent I don't consider soup to be a food. It's the water that real food has been in. 1 10:44 AM - 1 Oct 2013 Lucent @Lucent No, you can't use that ringtone. It's mine. I had it first and we're around each other too much. 1 11:58 AM - 2 Oct 2013 Lucent @Lucent Have more people died from having weak, TV-style CPR done on them or have more been saved because the person only learned about CPR from TV? 1 12:16 PM - 3 Oct 2013 Lucent @Lucent I like seeing panic in the eyes of newscasters as their interviewee goes over the allotted time and leaving no room to be interrupted. 1 2:00 PM - 4 Oct 2013 Lucent @Lucent I never liked coloring as an elementary schooler, but I could cut the lines right down the middle. 1 11:59 AM - 5 Oct 2013 Lucent @Lucent I can't stand seeing kids drag a pillow through a dirty airport. If my pillow touches the floor for even a second, it's getting a new case. 1 12:31 PM - 6 Oct 2013 Lucent @Lucent I want to pull a reverse catfish. I'll make someone fall in love with me online using bad photos and then show up all hot. 1 11:26 AM - 7 Oct 2013 Lucent @Lucent Sometimes I'm so anxious for a future event that anywhere I see a future date, like a movie trailer, I think, "By then, I'll know for sure!" 1 11:20 AM - 8 Oct 2013 Lucent @Lucent Sadly, with the constant stream of tagged photos on Facebook, you can't surprise people you haven't seen in years with your weight loss. 1 4:54 PM - 9 Oct 2013
  81. 81. Lucent @Lucent You think sending back dirty silverware at a restaurant is awkward? Try having to do it at someone's home. 1 12:00 PM - 10 Oct 2013 Lucent @Lucent The main reason I want more Twitter followers is so companies will worry about their reputation when I complain and quickly resolve it. 1 1:34 PM - 11 Oct 2013 Lucent @Lucent I’m not sure what city- and nation- state mean other than "country" but I still toss those terms into historical discussion to sound learned. 1 12:30 PM - 12 Oct 2013 Lucent @Lucent I only think about others' birthdays on their actual day, but I sort of expect everyone to prepare and talk about mine for the entire month. 1 11:18 AM - 13 Oct 2013 Lucent @Lucent If customer service ignores polite requests but gives in when people get angry and yell, they are the one requiring people to yell at them. 1 11:50 AM - 14 Oct 2013 Lucent @Lucent Before I die, just once I want to hear a real estate agent admit it's a bad time to buy a house. 1 11:22 AM - 15 Oct 2013 Lucent @Lucent Today I hallucinated that I saw a cyclist going the correct direction down a one-way street. 1 2:46 PM - 16 Oct 2013 Lucent @Lucent To convince others to turn off their watch's hourly beep, when I hear it I'll consistently announce, "There goes another hour of our life." 1 12:17 PM - 17 Oct 2013