PGIS 5: Girls and Bullying
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What are the root causes of the "mean girl" phenomenon? How does girl bullying differ from boy bullying? What can we do to support our girls in developing and maintaining healthy relationships?
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PGIS 5: Girls and Bullying
- 1. Seattle Girls’ School Parent/Guardian Information Series Session Five: Girls and Bullying - Is My Girl Involved? November 9, 2009 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 2. Introductions Warm-Up Questions What do you know of your girl’s social life? Does she have good friends? Many of them? Do you know who your daughter’s friends are? Do you have any questions about this topic? What would you like to get out of our session today? (Please jot down your questions or requests on a note card) Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 4. Disclaimers and Other Food for Thought Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 6. Gender Differences Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 8. Adolescence “ Teenagers [are like] people constantly on LSD. People on acid are intense, changeable, internal, often cryptic and uncommunicative, and, of course, dealing with a different reality.” Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 9. Changes Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 11. Special Considerations Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Sexy --- Slutty Powerful --- Bitchy Smart --- Bookish Cheerful --- Uncool Confident --- “All That” Athletic --- Jocky Close to Friends --- Lesbian
- 12. Mixing it Up My child is MOSTLY: In Transitory Friendships In Friendship Clusters In Best Friend Phase In Clique Phase In Interest-Based Friendship Phase A Generalist Please gather in affinity groups. Meet, chat, clarify. What are the positives and negatives of this phase, as far as you can tell? What are the specific questions or concerns that come up for your child’s place in the social realm? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 13. At the Crossroads Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 15. Relational Aggression includes acts that “harm others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship, or group inclusion.” – Kaj Bjorrkvist, Kirsti M.J. Lagerspetz, and Ari Kaukiainen, “Do girls Manipulate and Boys Fight?” Developmental Trends in Regard to Direct and Indirect Aggression,” Aggressive Behavior 18 (1992):117-27. Relational Aggression Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 16. Indirect Aggression allows the perpetrator to avoid confronting the target directly, making it seem as though there is no intent to harm. Indirect Aggression Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 17. Social Aggression Social Aggression is intended to damage self esteem or social status within a group. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 18. Alliance Building Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 19. Clique Exclusiveness Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 20. Outliers of Alternative Aggression Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 21. Mixing it Up My Child is: Frequently a target of A.A. Frequently an agent of A.A. Both a target and agent of A.A. depending on the circumstance A bystander of A.A. An outlier of A.A. I don’t know. Please gather in affinity groups. Meet, chat, clarify. What are the signs/conversations that let you know your girl is in this place? What are the positives and negatives of her place, as far as you can tell? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 24. Advice for Girls… WITH YOUR FRIENDS… • Talk openly about fears of losing friends, fears of conflicts • Confess your own stuff. Feel the relief of your own imperfection. • Don’t gang up or reject friends because they tell the truth. • Comfort and reassure each other. • AGGRESSION IS NATURAL, NORMAL, AND HEALTHY WHEN YOU ARE BULLIED… • Get help • Lose them • Get it out • Do something • It will end • Recognize when it isn’t bullying Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 27. Adolescent Speak… Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee How can you tell they’re not joking? Are you sure they really mean to make you feel this bad? You’re being too sensitive. They don’t really mean it. That’s so terrible. I’m so sorry. You know, it happened to me, too. It’s a phase. It happens to everyone. Do you want to brainstorm together about how we got here? Might you talk to your teacher/guidance counselor? What could you be doing to cause this?” Did you know that there is research about why some girls act in this way when they get angry? This is the way girls are. You might as well get used to it. When did this start? When does it happen? Is there anything you can do to make it stop? But you two were such good friends! I’m sorry to hear that. Have you considered talking to her about it? What do you think you want to do next? Why are you hanging out with her in the first place? How many times do I have to tell you…? Do you want me to talk with your teacher? I’m calling that school right now! Try… Instead of…
- 30. Questions and Answers Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Editor's Notes
- Target Audience: All Families
- Keep in Mind - material speaks in generalities and norms. Girls, their social development, etc. can fall outside of the information given, and they are completely normal. Making blanket assumptions are dangerous, and norms do not define normal or good. Gender norms can easily become Sexism. Adolescent norms can easily become adultism.
- John Medina - Talaris Institute Watching boys and girls play. Boys play together through competition (Oh yeah? I bet I can toss the ball higher than you!) Girls play collaboratively (Can you toss the ball as high as me? Let’s try a little higher). Mix boys and girls (G-Wanna toss the ball? B-I bet I can toss the ball higher than you! G-You must not like me… B-What happened?) Rachel Simmons - Odd Girl Out Response to danger. Boys choose “fight or flight.” Girls choose “tend and befriend.” Mary Pipher - Reviving Ophelia Boys see their failure in terms of external factors and see their success in terms of their ability. Girls see their success in terms of luck and hard work and see their failure in terms of lack of ability. Power Dead Even - women/girls will do anything to bring down another woman/girl to their level
- Cannot attribute all to gender differences. Gender bias plays a huge role. We socialize kids into these behaviors. What happens when boys display behavior on left? “Boys will be boys…” What happens when girls display behavior on right? “Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice!” What happens when gender behaviors don’t match gender expectations? Boys are pushed into sports, fights, getting dirty, building things, scientific investigation by adults and pushed down by peers with words like “Sissy, girl, pussy, fag.” Girls are told to play nice, share, be ladylike, punished harsher for fighting,complimented on looks by adults and put down by peers with words like “butch, jock, bitch, dyke.” Rachel Simmons - Odd Girl Out Ideal girl according to girls = very thin, pretty, blonde, fake, stupid, tall, blue eyes, big boobs, fit, expensive clothes, un-proportional, naked, trendy, popular, boyfriends, smiling, happy, helpless, talking on the phone, superficial conflicts, looks older, girlie, dependent, impractical clothes, manipulative, sex = power, rich, good teeth/clear skin, smart, perfect, romantically attached with someone with status. Anti-girl according to girls = mean, ugly, excessively cheerful, athletic, brainy, opinionated, pushy, dark features, not skinny, imperfections, promiscuous, professional, insecure, dorky, depressed/unhappy, masculine, serious, strong, independent, gay/lesbian, artsy, PMSish, unrestrained, egocentric, not social, hard to get along with, bookish.
- Mary Pipher Period of overgeneralization. Overgeneralization. One affront = I have no friends. One good grade = academic diva. Uncle says I would make a good nurse = I should become a nurse. One friend gets a ride to school = everyone gets a ride to school. A quirky habit of a parent = everyone thinks you’re a dork. A few household chores = I do all the work around here. Girls deal with painful thoughts, discrepant information, and cognitive confusion in ways that are true or false to the self. The temptation is to shut down, to oversimplify, and to avoid the hard work of examining and integrating experiences. Girls who operate from a false sense of self often reduce the world to a more manageable place by distorting reality. Cults = someone does thinking for you. Anorexia = everything comes down to weight.
- Mary Pipher - Academic, Physical, Emotional, Thinking, Social, Spiritual Selves all in flux and all developing at different paces! Joanne Deak - Peers become really important. Starting to pull away from parent(s). Seeking personal power. Wide range of behaviors fit under the “normal for this age” category.
- Transitory Years - Baskin Robbins: taste every flavor in order to discover which ones you like and which ones you don’t like. Friendship Clusters - likes flavors with nuts in them - pistachio, maple walnut, butter pecan, almond mocha. Not that she doesn’t like other flavors or doesn’t appreciate differences - she just likes these better. Different than cliques - these are more accepting and more fluid. This cluster doesn’t freak if bubble gum ice cream approaches them in the mall. Beginnings of real friendships and relationships. Best Friends - butter pecan is far away the best. Some come close, but nothing compares. 24/7 - spend all day at school together, come home and call friend right away. Practice time for choosing a mate or partner later in life. Learns to act in an intimate relationship. Generalists never need this intimacy. They are wired to appreciate all flavors and keep social nets wide open. Cliques - Girls replace the stability offered by the anchor of adults with cliques. Surrounding oneself with others that look alike, talk alike, and act alike makes the world feel safer and allows this movement away from the influence of significant adults more comfortable. The more impermeable and wielding of power the clique is, the more insecure the members are. The clique cocoon helps stabilize its occupants until they are strong enough and independent enough to stand outside of the group, or somewhat alone. The task of adults in the sphere of influence of cliques is, first, to accept its important function, and second, to draw the line when a clique’s influence moves from the unpleasant to downright unhealthy. **** girls produce the most testasterone in middle school years (hormone of aggression and risk taking) Interest-Based Friendship Groups - based on shared interests, passions, or philosophies. Friends are now boys and girls. Nonexclusive: some interest cross-over. Benefits of clusters and cliques without the downside: acceptance, activity, and social creativity, without insecurity, narrowness, and meanness.
- You must be this to be accepted, but you cannot be too much so, because that is not acceptable. No one knows where the boundaries are, so girls walk very tentatively along this knife’s edge. Naomi Wolf (Promiscuities) - Common and natural sexual curiosity, infatuation, admiration, and intimacy found among adolescent girls – the building anticipation of those feelings transferring to boys. Simultaneous excitement and sadness about the loss of intimacy among girls, which is inevitable./Continuum of women’s sexuality. Beyond a certain point of sexual power and liberation, she is deserving of violence and dehumanization. She can be cast out and killed both physically and emotionally./The acceptable promiscuity of white middle class sub-urban sexuality – it happens, but it happens quietly, out of sight, and outside of mainstream public face, which is pristine, neat, and “nice.” Those who fall outside of these norms are called “sluts.” Magic, Supernatural Power - obsession with Ouija Boards, witchcraft, cults. Perhaps meaning of the universe can be found in these magical charms, spells, and spirits. Tolkien novels, Lloyd Alexander novels, Harry Potter series. These all deal with young people, common people, discovering the existence of ACTUAL power and learning to wield it wisely through trials and tribulations. Kids sense that they are living mundane lives without personal power, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are unique in the universe and have great power, if only “life” would happen. Adoptees become obsessed with learning about “real” parents. Principal - dress code - kids these age need something to resist. I’d rather give them this simple thing to resist than open up the resistence to bigger, more serious matters. A whole lot of “why”s” - why do I have to do this, why do you always, why not, etc… Joanne Deak - “I think that the only reason we teenagers rely so much on what our friends say is because we are testing what our parents taught us, to make sure it was right.” – Elizabeth, 17. Resiliency and Vibrancy - Stuck between not supporting our girls through emotional and/or social landmines and treating them so tenderly a la Nation of Wimps. Very few girls retain resiliency and vibrancy. You can tell who has retained vs regained her vibrancy.
- You seek relationships. You seek acceptance. You seek stability and reassurance. You want independence from adults. You seek personal power. You seek meaning and direction in your life. You experience conflict (as anyone is wont to do). You know girls who fight are supposed to be catty bitches. You know that good, nice, pretty girls are supposed to have friends. You know that friends are supposed to like you. You know that your value lies in your “niceness.” You also know that nice girls become girlfriends. Loud girls become friends who are girls. You are supposed to be attractive and desirable as a girlfriend. What do you do?
- Alternative aggression defines any behavior that expresses anger in ways other than direct words or physical aggression. It has been happening for years among girls, but only recently has the literature come more into the mainstream with books like Odd Girl Out and Queen Bees and Wannabes and movies like Mean Girls.
- ***Anne Campbell – Men view aggression as a means to control their environment and integrity. Women believe aggression will terminate their relationships. Rachel Simmons - Girls don’t want to express anger directly to the person that caused it for fear of losing that relationship. There are problems when direct confrontation happens. Because so many girls lack facility with everyday conflict expression of anger makes listeners skittish and defensive. The sound of someone upset feels like the first sign of impending isolation, a kind of social thunder echoing in the distance. Result: relational aggression - silent treatment. Not inviting someone. Stares and glares. I won’t be friends with you if…” Pretending the person isn’t there. Rachel Simmons - Plague of the “sorry”: perfunctory like “bless you.” Really means, I don’t want to lose you so let’s call truce. But incident is recorded in memory to bring up at a later fight.
- Rachel Simmons - Plague of the “sorry”: perfunctory like “bless you.” Really means, I don’t want to lose you so let’s call truce. But incident is recorded in memory to bring up at a later fight. Rumors - someone else does the “dirty work”
- Can’t you take a joke? Gosh you are such an over-reactor. Eye rolling. Sarcasm. Mocking. Plague of the “I’m just kidding.” “Can’t you take a joke?” Girl making comment is really taking a jab to release aggression but keeps the “nice girl” thing by saying she was kidding. The girl on receiving end is hurt but won’t say because she doesn’t want to be “hypersensitive girl,” someone no one likes. For boys who have other outlets for anger, one-up teasing each other is actually a joke. For girls who have no other outlets, joking takes on another meaning altogether.
- Rachel Simmons Girls don’t want to express anger directly to the person that caused it for fear of losing that relationship. They go to a third party to release that anger. “Just for Advice,” they’ll say, but they’re getting the release they need and forging another relationship with the person they’re going to. Girls on the listening end condone and even encourage because it lets them forge a relationship and do the supporting and caring that “nice girls” are supposed to do. In the meantime, the person who is the target of a minor anger now is put in the receiving end of triangulation, the minor conflict is never resolved, and a larger relationship conflict arise. For these girls, absorbing anger is just as frightful as voicing it. The idea that they may be “at fault” or “wrong” makes them uneasy, and it can breed panic and impulsive decision-making. In many cases, they grasp for whatever will move the harsh spotlight away from them and onto someone else; sometimes using alliance building, they grasp for a girl who will stand with them and assure them of continuous, unconditional friendship. Raised in a culture that prizes sweetness, what feels right to these girls is an anxious scramble to remain the “good” girl; to hold up a mirror to their friends, and instead of listening, point out a past infraction. Needless to say, such conflicts escalate swiftly, often leaving both girls filled with regret and fear.
- Rachel Simmons The fear of isolation fuels some girls to stay in bad relationships, it can inspire controlling behavior in girls as well. Adrienne Rich said that a person who does not tell the truth “lives in fear of losing control. She cannot even desire a relationship without manipulation, since to be vulnerable to another person means for her a loss of control. Currency of secrets and lies. The popularity race shines a harsh, relentless spotlight on its contenders, raising the stakes on everything they say and do, making every utterance and outfit subject to peer punishment, reward, or worse, indifference. The feeling of constant scrutiny creates an unpredictable social landscape that frequently causes sudden changes in behavior, so that many girls become different people depending on who they’re with. There is a movement within feminism that believes the female orientation to relationship and connection – to nurturing and care-giving – gives women a uniquely wise approach to their world. Popularity, however, turns this phenomenon on its head. In the race to be cool, some girls turn friendship into a series of deals and calculations, using friendship as much to destroy as to build. Relationship is no longer simply and end; it is also a means. Getting ahead socially means new relationships must be targeted and formed, old ones dismissed and shed. Price of popularity – Brown and Gilligan: she sacrifices her connections to her true feelings in order to remain in less authentic relationships with others. Not a big deal, jut what happens – When politics of popularity devastate Why is it so many of us are well trained to spot destructive images portraying girls as thin and beautiful, but we overlook the subtext of the race for popularity: that a girl must be liked, even worshipped by their peers, often at the expense of authentic relationships? If some girls who want to be skinny starve themselves, some girls trying to be popular destroy one another. This makes popularity, and the race for it, as dangerous an issue for girls as weight, appearance, and sexuality. For some girls, it feels easier to believe someone else’ story rather than have their own. If they can know themselves as at fault and in need of forgiveness, they can continue to believe in the relationship rather than feel that they have been cast out of the circle of friendship. When politics of popularity devastate girls’ relationship, loss is multilayered. Loss of someone she loves and trusts. Loss of social status. Loss of self esteem (for which she blames herself). She learns a new dark understanding of relationships as a tool. And where the abandonment is public and followed by cruelty, there is public scorn and shame. Popular girls are NOT blissful. Danger of losing herself en route to the inner sanctum. Once there, must police herself as harshly as others to maintain her status. “If they’re talking about other people, what are they saying about me?”
- Rachel Simmons Cultural confusion. You tell me to be nice, but my mom says don’t stay hit. You tell me ambition, independence, and individual achievement, but my culture says interconnectivity and collectivism. I don’t even want to fight you, but I have my reputation to keep. Hitting rock bottom is sometimes the only place you can see the route to up and out. Physical aggression is summarily and swiftly punished, especially with girls. This reaction is a subliminal message of condoning the hidden stuff. If you know your kid WILL face degradation and devaluing, what would you say to them? Women and girls who speak their minds are often labeled “bitch” and “loudmouth” – a common terminology for black, latino, and lower-income women who are socialized to speak their minds and defend themselves. JoAnn Deak - 20 percenters information
- Children experiencing bullying are more likely to have suicide ideation, experiment with drugs, participate in risky behaviors. Bullied students experience social loneliness, social invisibility, discomfort with parents and administrators who do not validate or understand their plight. Psychological pain registers in same area of brain as physical pain. We’re not hypersensitive about physical bruises, we’re worried about long term psychological impact anyway. Same impact of physical bullying as indirect aggression. Students experiencing bullying often experience a sharp drop of focus and grades in school. Baumeister Studies on effects of social exclusion - drop of scores on academic tests. Baumeister studies also show that people who even THINK they are being socially excluded become less helpful and productive members of groups and become increasingly aggressive - school shootings are NOT a mystery when you look at the kids involved. Hundreds of grown women still carry the scars of bullying. Not a coincidence that middle school years are among the most hated memories of people’s childhood. Behavior in relationships later on very much reflective of how the woman travailed through her adolescence. Our sense of worthlessness follows us on a systemic level (leadership, abusive relationships, self-preservation). Naomi Wolf - Women face isolation of male-dominated culture. Mass women’s culture found almost exclusively in magazines. Do and don’t tone of women’s magazines unimaginable in men’s magazines
- Rachel Simmons - Don’t blanket blame the bully. Don’t call the bully’s parents. Don’t overly empathize - think of her as a child learning to walk. Rachel Wiseman - Don’t be fooled by smooth approach of the bully – they know they can get you off their back by placating. Do not chastise the victim for not standing up for herself. Don’t freak out and threaten to call the school unless she asks for your help. Don’t tell her what to do. Joanne Deak - Parents = stop telling girls that nice and kind will lead to friends because it’s not true. If a girl is perceived as loyal, trustworthy, and respectful for others, she may or may not have a lot of friends in school. However, she probably will be recognized as a natural leader by other students, will find that girls and boys come to her to talk or for help with homework, and that people like her. Example: popular girls will often not be chosen for tasks like student rep – it’s the loyal, serious, trustworthy, and most likely to represent the needs of many. Don’t jump in too early or too often. Avoid the “I want you to stop being her friend.” Having a friend who talks you into doing bad things or talking behind your back does two important things. First, it forces a girl to figure out what to do in these situations and that adds to the bank of her coping skills. Second, it provides valuable information about human beings, which will add to her wisdom in making affiliation choices later. Pain and conflict sticks in the memory banks far better than parental words of advice.
- Mary Pipher : Surface structure changes versus deep structure changes – “can I dye my hair purple?” = “Will you allow me to develop as a creative person?” “Can I watch R rated movies?” = “Am I someone who can handle sexual experiences?” “Can I go to a different church?” = “Do I have the freedom to explore my own spirituality?” “…Try to understand what their surface behavior is telling me about their deep-structure issues… try to ascertain when their behavior is connected to their true selves and when it is the result of pressure to be a false self. Which thinking should I respect and nurture? Which should I challenge?” Rachel Simmons: Parents – turn your home into a sanctuary. Listen and love. Encourage activities where she can feel success. Role play situations. Find ways to give her breathing room (safe places to go to lunch, etc.). Encourage new friendships but with BOTH the girls’ consent and choice. Give her an outlet to express feelings. Know your own temperature and distinguish between what you want and what child needs. Rachel Wiseman: Parents - Through non-threatening questions, have the conversation about “social map” of school. Ask her to share thoughts as observer of girls. Gently figure out where she is. If she is in power, help her with empathy and taking responsibility for actions. Don’t be fooled by smooth approach – they know they can get you off their back by placating. If she is in the middle, help her see that she’s not in control of what she wants by obeying the powerful girls. Do not chastise for not standing up for herself. Practice with her what she wants to communicate with the more powerful girls. If she is a target, let her talk about it at her own pace. Don’t freak out and threaten to call the school unless she asks for your help. If she doesn’t want to talk to you about it, respect her feelings. Always reassure her that you are there for er, and line up some allies that she can talk to. IN ALL CASES affirm your daughter in some way. Share personal experiences. Don’t tell her what to do. Describe the behavior you respect. Work with her as she comes up with a plan that describes specifically what she wants to happen differently, and how she can make that happen. Tell her she can always blame you if her friend come down on her. Your daughter will feel better just knowing you understand life in Girl World. Joanne Deak: Keep girls socially healthy and continuing to develop good social interaction skills as well as friendship options. Provide opportunity and access to groups of kids outside the school scene. School social scenes can be very hierarchical and static. Other affiliations like camps, churches/synagogues, neighborhood sports teams, and classes are far less socially complicated and far more open. Don’t jump in too early or too often. Conflict is good. Use judgment on when by weighing the duration and pain. Help by giving conflict resolution tools. Teeter Totter parenting – job is to balance out. Avoider = send her back into the fray with some viable verbal arsenal. Pleaser = practice how to stand ground. Bulldozer = teach verbal mediation. Pearls: 1) Discuss Baskin-Robins ice cream description of social scene. If the moment leads to playful discussion, ask if she knows “pecan” or “bubble gum.” Ask her what flavor she is 2) If she is experiencing some routine social pain, let her see the light at the end of the tunnel by letting her know about the next stage 3) Open your house to her friends as frequently as you can. 4) Practice being a listener instead of a fixer. 5) Let her friendship choices be hers. NWGC: Stay involved! Volunteer for school and club activities. Know their peer group.; Be patient with attitudes – they change by the hour or day! Support the emotion in the moment, then find a time later to problem solve.; Allow some independent thought (hair and clothing styles, opinions etc.); Invite communication about topics that affect them. Watch movies and read books together ( Odd Girl Out , Queen Bees and Wannabes ); Help with &quot;play dates&quot;. They made need suggestions and help taking appropriate social risks to get together outside school with peers.; Encourage extra curricular activities that don't include the same group of girls. Expose them to a wider range of girls and relationship opportunities.; Healthy Risks! Sports, clubs, activities (check out the resource fair!) ; Service Learning and Community Service. This is crucial to helping this age develop self-esteem. So important for them to feel they have something to contribute. Look for leadership opportunities!; Internet Safety and Cell Phone Rules – Stay aware, and involved! Post by your computer: What am I about to do? What could be the consequences? Why do I want to do it? Would I want it done to me? To check computer history: keylogger.com < http: //keylogger .com/ > ; myfreeproxy.com < http: //myfreeproxy .com/ > ; Eblaster.com