1.
Hay!!!!,,, only you know how to crack jokes!!!
Ikkada choodu !!!
Warning You may Dislocate jaws
By laughing
Shivaji rao the creator(sorry don’t tell anyone this is
stolen from abandoned joke forums in the net)

2.
MEMORY LOSS
An elderly couple had been
experiencing memory loss
so they decided to take a power
memory class, where one is
taught to remember things by
association ( connecting) to
something else.
A few days after the class a
neighbor wanted to know how the

3.
• He called the old man and
enquired what was the
instructor‟s name, the old man
pondered “ you are asking the
name of my instructor, wait let
me say, what is that ? hm.. Hm..
m , you know that flower, you
know the one that smells really
nice and has thorns, half the way

4.
• Old man: yes, yes that is
it!!!!” and the old man
called loudly his wife “
hey „rose‟ what is the
name of the instructor
who taught us memory
class?.
• Wife : from Inside the
house, “give me some time

5.
Agriculturist &Post office
• An agriculturist severely
affected by crops failure.
Due to no rain for a long
time he spent all the
money and He had no
money to spent . He is very
God fearing and pious .

6.
• He wrote this way: MY God
due to natures calamity
there is no rain for a long
time , I have spent all the
money which I had there is
nothing there to spend, you
have to show mercy on me
and in order to take care

7.
Addressed to God.
At the post office looking at the
letter and his innocence, the
postal people took pity on him
and collected themselves Rupees
350 and sent it to the
agriculturist.
The agriculturist received the
money the next day and
surprised to see the money and
he started counting and there

8.
• Immediately, he wrote an another
letter stating . Thank you very much
my God for sending this money you
have really so great how big is your
mercy but look at this RASCALS in
the post office stolen Rs 150 out of
Rs 500 and sent only 350, you should
punish the culprits and put them in
hell. He posted the letter addressed
to God. The next day all the postal

9.
THE POOR AND RICH TIPS
Customer to the waiter: “Why does a
poor man gives larger tips
than the rich man”
Waiter: it is very simple Sir, THE POOR
MAN DOES NOT WANT PEOPLE TO
KNOW THAT HE IS POOR WHEREAS
THE RICH MAN DOES NOT
WANT ANYBODY TO KNOW THAT HE IS
RICH

10.
How do you like my new gown
• Wife: How do you like
my new gown?, I got it
for a ridiculous price!.
• Husband: “You mean, You
got it for a ridiculous
price for a ridiculous
figure!!!”

11.
A college student was
boasting that he had been
to all the hospitals of the
town. Suddenly, one of the
student said “ I do not
believe this, have you been
to maternity hospital?”.

12.
The will
• A lawyer was reading the will – to my dear wife I
LEAVE MY FARM AND A HOUSE
• To my daughter- 3 lacs cash and poultry
farm
• To my brother in law-who always
believes that
‘health is wealth’ so, I
gratefully leave the half finished
tonic bottle to keep himself healthy.

13.
Nelson
• A scientist invented a special
powder that could bring stone
objects to life. One day he
wanted to test the powder and
it‟s results so he went to
Trafalgar square, where lord
Nelson statue is situated. Now
the scientist took a little powder
and sprinkled on the top of the

14.
• Nelson walking towards him
and the scientist bowed to him
and asked “My Lord what is
the first thing you plan to
do?. Nelson replied so
seriously taking out the sword
“ first and foremost thing I
am going to kill every damn

15.
CLASS ROOM JOKEs what is marriage?
Marriage is not a word. It is
a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a
violin; after the sweet music
is over, the strings are
attached.
Marriage is a thing which puts a
ring on a woman's finger and

16.
Marriage certificate is just
another word for a work
permit.
Marriage is not just a having
a wife, but also worries
inherited forever.

17.
Two mischieves boys
A couple had two little boys, aged eight and
ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always Getting into trouble and
their parents could be confident that if any
mischief occurred in their town, their two
young sons were involved in some capacity.
The parents were at their wit’s end as to what
to do? about their son’s behavior

18.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had
been successful in disciplining children in the past,
so they contacted him, and he agreed to
Give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys
individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to
meet with him first . The clergy man sat the boy
down and asked him sternly, ”where is God?”

19.
The boy made no response, so the
clergyman repeated the
question in an even sterner
tone, “where is God?”
Again the boy made no attempt
to answer, so the clergyman
raised the voice even more and
shook his finger in the boy‟s
face, “Where is God?”

20.
At that the boy bolted from the room,
ran directly home, and slammed himself
in his closet. His older brother followed
him into the closet and said “what
happened?”
The younger brother replied, “WE ARE
IN BIG TROUBLE THIS TIME. GOD IS
MISSING AND THEY THINK
WE DID IT!!!”

21.
TWO MONKS WERE ON A PILGRIMAGE.UPON
REACHING THE BANK OF A RIVER,THEY SAW A
GIRL DRESSED IN ALL HER FINERY.
NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO?, SINCE THE RIVER
WAS HIGH, SHE ASKED FOR HELP.
WITHOUT A THOUGHT, THE ELDER MONK TOOK
HER ON HIS BACK,CARRIED HER ACROSS THE
RIVER AND PUT HER DOWNON DRY GROUND ON
THE OTHERSIDE.
BOTH THE MONKS THEN CONTINUEDTHEIR
JOURNEY.

22.
• THE OTHER MONK AFTER AN HOUR STARTED
MURMERING,
“HOW COULD YOU TOUCH THE GIRL?, YOU SHOULD NOT
HAVE DONE IT. IT’S AGAINST THE RULES OF MONKS”.THE
ELDER MONK WHO CARRIED THE GIRL WALKED ALONG
LISTENING PATIENTLY.
AND AFTER SOME TIME, HE VEHEMENTLY SAID, “ I SET
HER DOWN BY THE RIVER BANK AN HOUR BACK, WHY
ARE YOU STILL CARRYING HER…..?”

23.
finding fault with others
Most of us have the
mentality of finding
fault with others and
derive pleasure in that
and feel utmost
happiness. If you
habituate this finally

24.
4 types of rings
Marriage requires a man to
prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

25.
What is an idiot
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
An idiot is a person who tries
to explain his ideas in such a
strange and long way that
another person who is listening
to him can't understand him.
Dad: Do you understand me?
Son: No.

26.
Pain in the eye
•Patient: Doctor, I
have a pain in my
eye whenever I
drink tea.
•Doctor: Take the

27.
Biggest lie
Two boys were arguing when the
teacher entered the room. The
teacher says, "Why are you
arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a
500 Rupees and decided to give it
to whoever tells the biggest
lie." "You should be ashamed of
yourselves," said the teacher,
"When I was your age I didn't

28.
Cheap gifts
•Man: I offer
you myself.
•Woman: I am
sorry I never
accept

29.
100 dollar
• Teacher: Why are you
late?
• Student: There was a man
who lost a 500 Rupees.
• Teacher: That's nice.
Were you helping him look
for it?

30.
Old ladies are standing
On a crowded bus, one man noticed
that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he
asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to
see old ladies
standing."

31.
Good news and bad news
A man receives a phone call from his
doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good
news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good
news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is,
you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the
good news, then what's the bad
news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I

32.
Writing 55
A teacher asked a student to
write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside
it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and
stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting
for?

33.
The elephant is dead
A: Why are you
crying?
B: The elephant is
dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the

34.
Calling him taxi
•A: Hey, man! Please
call me a taxi.
•B: Yes, sir. You are a
taxi.

35.
Fly is on vacation
•Customer: Waiter,
waiter! There is a
frog in my soup!!!
•Waiter: Sorry, sir.
The fly is on

36.
Pain in the eyes
•Patient: Doctor, I
have a pain in my
eye whenever I
drink tea.
•Doctor: Take the

37.
I am not her father
A: Just look at that young person with
the short hair and blue jeans. Is it
a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my
daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know
that you were her father.
B: I'm not her father. I'm her

38.
Wrong call
A teenage girl had been talking
on the phone for about half
an hour, and then she hung
up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That
was short. You usually talk for
two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the

39.
Borrowing sugar
Teacher: What are some products of
the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where
do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our
neighbor.

40.
The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the
perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old
next Wednesday.

41.
Second opinion
• The doctor to the
Nurse: 'You are very
beautiful'
• The nurse to the
doctor: 'Can I get a
second opinion?'
• The doctor again: you
are not as beautiful as

42.
Two dogs name trouble and
commonsense
• There was a man who has two
dogs, named 'commonsense' and
'trouble'. He always brought his
dogs to the park every evening.
One day, he only brought
'trouble' to the park, and left
'commonsense' at home. while
the man was so happy playing
'frisbee' with his friends,
'commonsense' disappeared.
The man was so sad and

43.
• He looked for his dog
everywhere but could not find it.
A lady realized it and asked the
man, "What are you looking
for?". The man replied "I'm
looking for 'trouble'...".
"pardon..", said the lady. The
man replied in a higher tone "I
am looking for 'TROUBLE'". The
lady was angry and asked
"Where's your

44.
P.M JOKE
Our old prime minister has left to
London Buckingham Palace, to meet
prince & king . The Personal
assistants found the prime minister
was stinking(smelling bad). One of
the P.A. found the stink came from
the shocks, which he was wearing
for a long time without a wash. so
the meeting with prince and king
was postponed and was advised to
change the shocks for the next day‟s
visit and he agreed to do so.

45.
Pm jokes
The next day as appointed, he entered
the palace. after security check, the
P.A s attended him in the guest room
and still the stinking was coming from
him , they asked him whether he has
changed the shocks he said “yes” and
showed the bill of purchase, the P.A‟
still under confusion where the smell
is coming from. So, our P.M removed
the shoes and showed the shocks and
said “I know you people will not
believe it , that‟s why I have brought
the old one to prove it” HOW IS

46.
Speech impediment
Speech Impediment Two life-long
friends were enjoying WHISKY down at the local
bar, when one said to the other:
"If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me
honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend.
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys
around here find my wife so attractive?"

47.
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied
the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired
the first fellow.
"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who
hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"

48.
Medical college observation
First year students at Medical School
were receiving Their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a
white sheet. The professor started
the class by telling them, "In
medicine, it is necessary to have two
important qualities as a doctor. The
first is that you should not be

49.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he
told his students. The students
initially freaked out, hesitated for
several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the
mouth of the corpse (
DEADBODY) and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor
looked at the class and told them,
"The second most important quality is
observation. I stuck in my middle
finger but sucked on my index finger.

50.
• Step stone to the main idol in the temple:
• „why am i being stamped by everyone
whereas you are also stone but prayed
by everyone‟
• Main idle: o endured so much when the
stone carver hit on me so many times and
because of my patience I have become an
idol, and from that day everybody pray
me. Not having patience you have split in
to pieces for few hits and become stepping
stone

51.
Judge: what is your age?
Convict: twenty five
That is what you are telling for
the past fifteen years
Convict: yes, your honor, I
am not the one to say
one thing to day and say

52.
The Genie
A man was walking along a California
beach and stumbled across an old
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it
and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, OK. You released
me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is the fourth time this month
and I'm getting little sick of these
wishes so you can forget about
getting three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a
while. Finally, he said, "I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm

53.
The genie laughed loudly and
said, "That's impossible.
Think of the monumental
logistics! How would the
supports ever reach the
bottom of the Pacific?
Think of all the concrete!
Think of all the steel! No,
think of another wish."

54.
• Finally, he said, "I've been
married and divorced four times.
My wives always said that I
don't care and that I'm
insensitive. So, I wish that I
could understand women. I
want to know how they feel
inside. I want to know what
they're thinking when they give
me the silent treatment. I want
to know why they're crying and

55.
The genie said,
"You want that
bridge two
lanes or four?"

56.
Business man: I like
your approach!.
Sales man : Thank you
sir.
Business man : and let
me see your

57.
• Nervous patient:
Doctor, “ often I feel
like killing myself”, what
shall I do?
• Doctor: leave it to me!

58.
Doctor in a medical college:
do you know the side
effect of a birth control
pill?.
Medical student: yes
Doctor: What is that?
Medical student:

59.
ADULTS ONLY
Monkey Organization
An organization is like a tree full of
monkeys, all on different limbs
(branches) at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing
up, some down.

60.
The monkeys on top look
down and see a tree full of
smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and
see nothing but assholes

61.
•Q: Which room has
no doors, no
windows.
•A: A mushroom.

62.
Difference between teacher and
conductor
• Q: What's the difference between a TEACHER
and a CONDUCTOR ?
• A: A teacher TRAINS the MIND and a
conductor MINDS the TRAIN.

63.
• For his final project in a
statistics class, a student decided
to conduct a survey. So it
wouldn't be a boring project, he
chose to find out peoples'
favorite pastimes.
The teacher required that he
sample from at least 100 people,
so he started out his project
visiting a fairly large apartment
building near the university.
He knocked on the first door and

64.
• "Sir, I'm doing a school study and
would like to know what is your
favorite pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath,"
Came the reply.
He liked the esoterical answer and
continued down the hall, until he
came to the next door, when he
asked again.
"Sir, what is your name ?"
"Jeff !" ,said the second man.
"Sir, Would you please tell me your
favorite pastime ?"

65.
• Quite amused and confused he went
on to ask a good number of people
in the building and all of them had
the same pastime "watching bubbles
in the bath".
He left the building and walked
across the street where there were
several row houses to continue the
survey.
At the first house, he knocks and
an attractive college girl opens the

66.
Adults only
• A man wants to celebrate his
wife's Birthday by throwing a
party. So he goes to order a
birthday cake. The salesman
asks him what message he wants
to put on the cake. Well he
thinks for a while and says let's
put, "you are not getting older
you are getting better".
The salesman asks "how do you

67.
• The man says, Well put "You
are not getting older", at the
top and You are getting
better" at the bottom. The
real fun didn't start until the
cake was opened the entire
party watched the message
decorated on the cake "“You

68.
• The parish priest very furtively calls the
mother superior into his office. This is how
their conversation went:
"Sister, I want to show you something."
"What is it, Father?
"Come into my private room & close the
blinds."
"WHAT?!"
"I said....."
"I heard what you said - I just can't believe
you're saying it!"
"Well, I really need you to come in."
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
"Here, sit on the bed beside me."
"I have to get out of here."

69.
• "Aren't you the least bit curious?"
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
"Get under the covers."
"WHAT?????!!!!!"
The nun was really freaking out.
"It doesn't work otherwise!"
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the
covers with him.
He whispers: "Come closer."
Nervously, she does get closer.
"See," the priest whispers
gleefully, "my new watch does

70.
• A group of girlfriends is on vacation
when they see a 5-story hotel with a
sign that reads: "For Women Only."
Since they are without their
boyfriends and husbands, they decide
to go in. The bouncer, a very
attractive guy, explains to them how
it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up
floor by floor, and once you find what
you are looking for, you can stay

71.
• So they start going up and on the
first floor the sign reads: "All the
men on this floor are short and plain."
The friends laugh and without
hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads:
"All the men here are short and
handsome." Still, this isn't good
enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the

72.
• . On the fourth floor, the sign is
perfect: "All the men here are
tall and handsome." The women
get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is
still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head
on up to the fifth floor. There
they find a sign that reads:

73.
• THE SECRET CODE After numerous rounds of "We
don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam
decided to send George a letter in his own writing
to let him know that he is still in the game.
• Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain
a coded message:
• 370HSSV-0773H
• George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out
and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides
had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No
one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then
to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the
list got longer and longer. Eventually they asked

74.
Adults only
• THE SNEEZING WOMEN A man and
a woman were sitting beside each other
in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue,
gently wiped her nose and then
shuddered(shake violently the body) for
10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to
his reading. A few minutes later, the
woman sneezed again, took a tissue,
gently wiped her nose and shuddered
quite violently as before. The man was
becoming more and more curious about
the shuddering.
• A few more minutes passed and the

75.
He turned to the woman and said,
"You've sneezed three times, wiped
your nose with a tissue, then
shuddered violently! Are you all
right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the
woman replied, "I have a rare
condition; when I sneeze, I have an
orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed but
even more curious and said, "I've

76.
• Once a scorpion met a
tortoise on the bank of a
small river and asked the
tortoise to carry on his
back to the other bank.
First the tortoise hesitated
and said it could not do so,

77.
The scorpion laughed and
said, how do you think
like that I will sting you?
, if you drown ,I will also
drown, your fear has no
any logic.
After convinced it has

78.
• In the mid way tortoise
felt a sting and unable to
bear the pain, jerked its
body, by doing so the
scorpion fell into the
water, the tortoise asked
“why did you sting after

79.
instinct
• It is nothing to do with
the logic. My instinct is
stinging and could not
change it and have no
control over my habit.
so, the scorpion was left
alone and it could see

80.
Adults only
Some men are thirst after
love
Some after fame
Some after money
I know something that all
men thirst after
“ what is that?”

81.
Descendent of monkey
Son: “daddy am I
descended from
monkey?” Dad: “
sorry, son I don‟t
know, I have not met
Your mother‟s people”

82.
Love 2 divorce
•LOVE is the
quest
•Marriage the
conquest

83.
Tom , dick &marry
•The trouble with modern girls
is that they have only one
ambition- to go with every
Tom, Dick and marry

84.
paralysis
‘Mr. John has been married for
ten years and he spends every
evening at home’
‘Isn’t that real love?’
‘No’ doctor says, ‘it is paralysis’

85.
Saving on matches
„ I bet you are a chain
smoker-lighting
cigarette with
cigarette. you are
simply wasting a hell
of money that way‟
„May be! But you do

86.
No dinner
A murderer was about to be
hanged
He complained the hangman
„I haven‟t had my tea and
breakfast
„That is not my job‟
„my job is to see that you

87.
hearing
A customer writes:
Dear Sir,
„For five years I was
totally deaf after buying
the hearing aid machine
and fixed it in my ears
only for ten days, I heard
from a long-lost brother
in Canada‟

88.
writter
• ‘ at last’ said the novelist, I
have written something that
will be accepted by any
magazine’
• ‘what is it?’ asked a friend
• ‘a cheque for a years
subscription’

89.
Buying car
• Peter: „how about buying
it is the most economical
car I mean my fiat car
, it consumes very less
petrol, white color‟
• Harry: „it is true, it is
mostly pushed‟

90.
Thief: give me your
money?
Politician: I am a
politician!!!!

91.
Do not bring her back in to life
• A funeral service is held for a woman who just
passed away. As the pallbearers carry the
casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket
and find that the woman is actually alive.

92.
• She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her. At the end
of the service, the pallbearers carry out the
casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch out for the wall!"

93.
Baseball in Heaven
• Previous Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons
and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think
there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal
-- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and
if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon
afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a
voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

94.
• Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in
Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Give me the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad
enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

95.
Devil in the church
• Devil in the Church
• Previous Next One Sunday morning, Satan appeared
before a small town congregation. Everyone started
screaming and running for the front church door,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly
gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man
and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

96.
• Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure not" said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you
afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, “IBeen married to
your sister for over 48 years."

97.
• The sick man kept under intensive care has
not come out from danger so he was aided
with ventilator. As soon as His only son arrived
he was struggling for breath, son “Dad” what
happened.
• The father, “ I will give all the property first
take the leg out immediately, you are
stamping the tube which is connected to the
ventilator.

98.
• The king of the country started for was a walk he hurts one
of the fingers in the leg and it is bleeding when seeing a
man. king said take the man to the court what a
unfortunate man.
• The guards took him to the court for punishment. He was
to asked why he has come in front of the king that is why
he was injured and so you are considered the most
unfortunate man and your head would be chopped.
• The man argued the king “my dear king just very first sight
of me made you hit one of leg fingers and was bleeding
whereas the sight of yours makes my head chopped by you
in that case YOU ARE THE MOST UNFORTUNATE MAN IN
THE WORLD”

99.
• JUDGE: look at your age you are 70, are you
the one accused for sex abuse?.
• Accused: my lord, the court case was
registered when I was 18