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  1. 1. Hay!!!!,,, only you know how to crack jokes!!! Ikkada choodu !!! Warning You may Dislocate jaws By laughing Shivaji rao the creator(sorry don’t tell anyone this is stolen from abandoned joke forums in the net)
  2. 2. MEMORY LOSS An elderly couple had been experiencing memory loss so they decided to take a power memory class, where one is taught to remember things by association ( connecting) to something else. A few days after the class a neighbor wanted to know how the
  3. 3. • He called the old man and enquired what was the instructor‟s name, the old man pondered “ you are asking the name of my instructor, wait let me say, what is that ? hm.. Hm.. m , you know that flower, you know the one that smells really nice and has thorns, half the way
  4. 4. • Old man: yes, yes that is it!!!!” and the old man called loudly his wife “ hey „rose‟ what is the name of the instructor who taught us memory class?. • Wife : from Inside the house, “give me some time
  5. 5. Agriculturist &Post office • An agriculturist severely affected by crops failure. Due to no rain for a long time he spent all the money and He had no money to spent . He is very God fearing and pious .
  6. 6. • He wrote this way: MY God due to natures calamity there is no rain for a long time , I have spent all the money which I had there is nothing there to spend, you have to show mercy on me and in order to take care
  7. 7. Addressed to God. At the post office looking at the letter and his innocence, the postal people took pity on him and collected themselves Rupees 350 and sent it to the agriculturist. The agriculturist received the money the next day and surprised to see the money and he started counting and there
  8. 8. • Immediately, he wrote an another letter stating . Thank you very much my God for sending this money you have really so great how big is your mercy but look at this RASCALS in the post office stolen Rs 150 out of Rs 500 and sent only 350, you should punish the culprits and put them in hell. He posted the letter addressed to God. The next day all the postal
  9. 9. THE POOR AND RICH TIPS Customer to the waiter: “Why does a poor man gives larger tips than the rich man” Waiter: it is very simple Sir, THE POOR MAN DOES NOT WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT HE IS POOR WHEREAS THE RICH MAN DOES NOT WANT ANYBODY TO KNOW THAT HE IS RICH
  10. 10. How do you like my new gown • Wife: How do you like my new gown?, I got it for a ridiculous price!. • Husband: “You mean, You got it for a ridiculous price for a ridiculous figure!!!”
  11. 11. A college student was boasting that he had been to all the hospitals of the town. Suddenly, one of the student said “ I do not believe this, have you been to maternity hospital?”.
  12. 12. The will • A lawyer was reading the will – to my dear wife I LEAVE MY FARM AND A HOUSE • To my daughter- 3 lacs cash and poultry farm • To my brother in law-who always believes that ‘health is wealth’ so, I gratefully leave the half finished tonic bottle to keep himself healthy.
  13. 13. Nelson • A scientist invented a special powder that could bring stone objects to life. One day he wanted to test the powder and it‟s results so he went to Trafalgar square, where lord Nelson statue is situated. Now the scientist took a little powder and sprinkled on the top of the
  14. 14. • Nelson walking towards him and the scientist bowed to him and asked “My Lord what is the first thing you plan to do?. Nelson replied so seriously taking out the sword “ first and foremost thing I am going to kill every damn
  15. 15. CLASS ROOM JOKEs what is marriage? Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and
  16. 16. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit. Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
  17. 17. Two mischieves boys A couple had two little boys, aged eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always Getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit’s end as to what to do? about their son’s behavior
  18. 18. The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to Give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first . The clergy man sat the boy down and asked him sternly, ”where is God?”
  19. 19. The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “where is God?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised the voice even more and shook his finger in the boy‟s face, “Where is God?”
  20. 20. At that the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said “what happened?” The younger brother replied, “WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE THIS TIME. GOD IS MISSING AND THEY THINK WE DID IT!!!”
  23. 23. finding fault with others Most of us have the mentality of finding fault with others and derive pleasure in that and feel utmost happiness. If you habituate this finally
  24. 24. 4 types of rings Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings": * The Engagement Ring * The Wedding Ring * The Suffe-Ring * The Endu-Ring
  25. 25. What is an idiot Son: Dad, what is an idiot? An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Dad: Do you understand me? Son: No.
  26. 26. Pain in the eye •Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. •Doctor: Take the
  27. 27. Biggest lie Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a 500 Rupees and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't
  28. 28. Cheap gifts •Man: I offer you myself. •Woman: I am sorry I never accept
  29. 29. 100 dollar • Teacher: Why are you late? • Student: There was a man who lost a 500 Rupees. • Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
  30. 30. Old ladies are standing On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked. "No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
  31. 31. Good news and bad news A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The man says, "OK, give me the good news first." The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?" The doctor says, "The bad news is, I
  32. 32. Writing 55 A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. teacher: What are you waiting for?
  33. 33. The elephant is dead A: Why are you crying? B: The elephant is dead. A: Was he your pet? B: No, but I'm the
  34. 34. Calling him taxi •A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. •B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
  35. 35. Fly is on vacation •Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!! •Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on
  36. 36. Pain in the eyes •Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. •Doctor: Take the
  37. 37. I am not her father A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. B: I'm not her father. I'm her
  38. 38. Wrong call A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number," replied the
  39. 39. Borrowing sugar Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies? Student: I don't know. Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from? Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
  40. 40. The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
  41. 41. Second opinion • The doctor to the Nurse: 'You are very beautiful' • The nurse to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?' • The doctor again: you are not as beautiful as
  42. 42. Two dogs name trouble and commonsense • There was a man who has two dogs, named 'commonsense' and 'trouble'. He always brought his dogs to the park every evening. One day, he only brought 'trouble' to the park, and left 'commonsense' at home. while the man was so happy playing 'frisbee' with his friends, 'commonsense' disappeared. The man was so sad and
  43. 43. • He looked for his dog everywhere but could not find it. A lady realized it and asked the man, "What are you looking for?". The man replied "I'm looking for 'trouble'...". "pardon..", said the lady. The man replied in a higher tone "I am looking for 'TROUBLE'". The lady was angry and asked "Where's your
  44. 44. P.M JOKE Our old prime minister has left to London Buckingham Palace, to meet prince & king . The Personal assistants found the prime minister was stinking(smelling bad). One of the P.A. found the stink came from the shocks, which he was wearing for a long time without a wash. so the meeting with prince and king was postponed and was advised to change the shocks for the next day‟s visit and he agreed to do so.
  45. 45. Pm jokes The next day as appointed, he entered the palace. after security check, the P.A s attended him in the guest room and still the stinking was coming from him , they asked him whether he has changed the shocks he said “yes” and showed the bill of purchase, the P.A‟ still under confusion where the smell is coming from. So, our P.M removed the shoes and showed the shocks and said “I know you people will not believe it , that‟s why I have brought the old one to prove it” HOW IS
  46. 46. Speech impediment Speech Impediment Two life-long friends were enjoying WHISKY down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?" "Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend. "Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
  47. 47. "It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy. "What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!" "Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"
  48. 48. Medical college observation First year students at Medical School were receiving Their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be
  49. 49. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the mouth of the corpse ( DEADBODY) and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger.
  50. 50. • Step stone to the main idol in the temple: • „why am i being stamped by everyone whereas you are also stone but prayed by everyone‟ • Main idle: o endured so much when the stone carver hit on me so many times and because of my patience I have become an idol, and from that day everybody pray me. Not having patience you have split in to pieces for few hits and become stepping stone
  51. 51. Judge: what is your age? Convict: twenty five That is what you are telling for the past fifteen years Convict: yes, your honor, I am not the one to say one thing to day and say
  52. 52. The Genie A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting little sick of these wishes so you can forget about getting three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while. Finally, he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm
  53. 53. The genie laughed loudly and said, "That's impossible. Think of the monumental logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of all the concrete! Think of all the steel! No, think of another wish."
  54. 54. • Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside. I want to know what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why they're crying and
  55. 55. The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
  56. 56. Business man: I like your approach!. Sales man : Thank you sir. Business man : and let me see your
  57. 57. • Nervous patient: Doctor, “ often I feel like killing myself”, what shall I do? • Doctor: leave it to me!
  58. 58. Doctor in a medical college: do you know the side effect of a birth control pill?. Medical student: yes Doctor: What is that? Medical student:
  59. 59. ADULTS ONLY Monkey Organization An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs (branches) at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
  60. 60. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes
  61. 61. •Q: Which room has no doors, no windows. •A: A mushroom.
  62. 62. Difference between teacher and conductor • Q: What's the difference between a TEACHER and a CONDUCTOR ? • A: A teacher TRAINS the MIND and a conductor MINDS the TRAIN.
  63. 63. • For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample from at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university. He knocked on the first door and
  64. 64. • "Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime ?" "Watching bubbles in the bath," Came the reply. He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door, when he asked again. "Sir, what is your name ?" "Jeff !" ,said the second man. "Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime ?"
  65. 65. • Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime "watching bubbles in the bath". He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses to continue the survey. At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens the
  66. 66. Adults only • A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better". The salesman asks "how do you
  67. 67. • The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "“You
  68. 68. • The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office. This is how their conversation went: "Sister, I want to show you something." "What is it, Father? "Come into my private room & close the blinds." "WHAT?!" "I said....." "I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!" "Well, I really need you to come in." Curious, the nun does as she is told. "Here, sit on the bed beside me." "I have to get out of here."
  69. 69. • "Aren't you the least bit curious?" Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him. "Get under the covers." "WHAT?????!!!!!" The nun was really freaking out. "It doesn't work otherwise!" After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him. He whispers: "Come closer." Nervously, she does get closer. "See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does
  70. 70. • A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay
  71. 71. • So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the
  72. 72. • . On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads:
  73. 73. • THE SECRET CODE After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send George a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game. • Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: • 370HSSV-0773H • George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer. Eventually they asked
  74. 74. Adults only • THE SNEEZING WOMEN A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered(shake violently the body) for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. • A few more minutes passed and the
  75. 75. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?" "I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've
  76. 76. • Once a scorpion met a tortoise on the bank of a small river and asked the tortoise to carry on his back to the other bank. First the tortoise hesitated and said it could not do so,
  77. 77. The scorpion laughed and said, how do you think like that I will sting you? , if you drown ,I will also drown, your fear has no any logic. After convinced it has
  78. 78. • In the mid way tortoise felt a sting and unable to bear the pain, jerked its body, by doing so the scorpion fell into the water, the tortoise asked “why did you sting after
  79. 79. instinct • It is nothing to do with the logic. My instinct is stinging and could not change it and have no control over my habit. so, the scorpion was left alone and it could see
  80. 80. Adults only Some men are thirst after love Some after fame Some after money I know something that all men thirst after “ what is that?”
  81. 81. Descendent of monkey Son: “daddy am I descended from monkey?” Dad: “ sorry, son I don‟t know, I have not met Your mother‟s people”
  82. 82. Love 2 divorce •LOVE is the quest •Marriage the conquest
  83. 83. Tom , dick &marry •The trouble with modern girls is that they have only one ambition- to go with every Tom, Dick and marry
  84. 84. paralysis ‘Mr. John has been married for ten years and he spends every evening at home’ ‘Isn’t that real love?’ ‘No’ doctor says, ‘it is paralysis’
  85. 85. Saving on matches „ I bet you are a chain smoker-lighting cigarette with cigarette. you are simply wasting a hell of money that way‟ „May be! But you do
  86. 86. No dinner A murderer was about to be hanged He complained the hangman „I haven‟t had my tea and breakfast „That is not my job‟ „my job is to see that you
  87. 87. hearing A customer writes: Dear Sir, „For five years I was totally deaf after buying the hearing aid machine and fixed it in my ears only for ten days, I heard from a long-lost brother in Canada‟
  88. 88. writter • ‘ at last’ said the novelist, I have written something that will be accepted by any magazine’ • ‘what is it?’ asked a friend • ‘a cheque for a years subscription’
  89. 89. Buying car • Peter: „how about buying it is the most economical car I mean my fiat car , it consumes very less petrol, white color‟ • Harry: „it is true, it is mostly pushed‟
  90. 90. Thief: give me your money? Politician: I am a politician!!!!
  91. 91. Do not bring her back in to life • A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
  92. 92. • She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
  93. 93. Baseball in Heaven • Previous Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
  94. 94. • Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Give me the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
  95. 95. Devil in the church • Devil in the Church • Previous Next One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
  96. 96. • Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure not" said the man. Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, “IBeen married to your sister for over 48 years."
  97. 97. • The sick man kept under intensive care has not come out from danger so he was aided with ventilator. As soon as His only son arrived he was struggling for breath, son “Dad” what happened. • The father, “ I will give all the property first take the leg out immediately, you are stamping the tube which is connected to the ventilator.
  98. 98. • The king of the country started for was a walk he hurts one of the fingers in the leg and it is bleeding when seeing a man. king said take the man to the court what a unfortunate man. • The guards took him to the court for punishment. He was to asked why he has come in front of the king that is why he was injured and so you are considered the most unfortunate man and your head would be chopped. • The man argued the king “my dear king just very first sight of me made you hit one of leg fingers and was bleeding whereas the sight of yours makes my head chopped by you in that case YOU ARE THE MOST UNFORTUNATE MAN IN THE WORLD”
  99. 99. • JUDGE: look at your age you are 70, are you the one accused for sex abuse?. • Accused: my lord, the court case was registered when I was 18