Originally created by special request for RelateCon 2018, in The Art of the Breakup, Minx and Lusty Guy share tips for having a healthy breakup from the point of view of the Initiator, the Responder, and Bystanders.

1. The Art of the Breakup
Lusty Guy & Cunning Minx

2. Introductions

3. What this class is
Examination of a good breakup and how to get
there from the point of view of:
The Initiator
The Responder
The Bystanders

4. What this class isn’t
How to avoid breaking up
How to know a breakup is coming
How to know when to break up
How to save yourself from abuse
Legal advice on divorce

5. What is the goal of a breakup?

6. To reduce emotional
involvement, sexual
intimacy, and time
spent with someone
in a way that maximizes dignity and minimizes
pain for everyone involved
while recreating the relationship in a way that
works for all parties

7. A good breakup is
one that achieves
those things
while allowing the people breaking up
to be at least polite and reasonable
with each other in the future

8. How not to initiate a breakup

9. How NOT to break up: Initiator
Being wishy-washy
Surprising someone with a sudden breakup
Breaking up right before work/vacation
Breaking up right after a death
Moving too suddenly
Excessively trash talking your ex after

10. How not to respond to a breakup

11. How not to respond to a breakup
Obsess about the causes and language
Stalk your ex on Facebook (Post Relationship
Contact Behavior = PRCB)
Reframe the story to be about you instead of
them
Wallow too little or too much
Self-medicate (more than usual)
Excessively trash talking your ex

12. How not to handle a breakup as a bystander

13. How not to handle a breakup as a
bystander
Avoid self-blame
Choose friends, but avoid taking sides (stay
out of the middle)

14. How to break up effectively
The Initiator & The Responder

15. 1 - Take time
Ripping the bandage off is worse than
allowing yourselves multiple conversations
to process over time

16. 2 - Be as adult as
possible
Act as if you have kids. When kids get
hurt, the adults who love them get calm,
controlled, and kind.

17. 3 - Match the breakup
to the relationship

18. 4 - Take a break
Reduce contact as much as possible for a
specified period of time to give everyone a
chance to heal (PRCB)

19. 5 - Act towards them
the way you want
them to act towards
you
Model the behavior you want to see from them,
even when they aren’t behaving well.
ESPECIALLY when they aren’t behaving well.

20. 6 - Watch your words
Use “when you ___, I feel ___.”
Use “I” statements rather than “you”
statements.
Don’t unload on them.

21. 7 - Accept it.
Now is not the time to bargain.

22. 8 - Take care of
yourself.
Engage in self-care.
Recreate yourself after this relationship.

23. How to handle the breakup
Bystanders

24. How to handle the breakup: Bystanders
Center whomever you are with
Accept both the Initiator and the Responder
Offer support without taking sides
Let them “drunk talk.” Much of what is said
immediately post-breakup isn’t meant long-
term. Let them spout safely.

25. Diving the spoils
How to deal with possessions and gifts post-breakup

26. Guidelines for dividing the spoils
A gift is a gift. No “takesies-backsies.”
Common assets are common. If you can’t agree,
sell and divide the proceeds.
Kids, friends, and pets are not assets.
Kids and friends make their own choices. If
kids are old enough, let them choose.
If not, put their needs before yours.
Figure out what is best for the pet, not for you.
Do the easy stuff first; hog trade the hard stuff.

27. Unhelpful breakup myths
Breakup = failure
Healthy, ended romantic relationships must become friendships
You require/deserve closure
Others?

28. To reduce emotional
involvement, sexual
intimacy, and time
spent with someone
in a way that maximizes dignity and
minimizes pain for everyone involved
while recreating the relationship in a
way that works for all parties

29. Be kind.
Be adult.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive others.

30. Tell us more
www.polyweekly.com
polyweekly@gmail.com
lustyguy@polyweekly.com
@polyweekly, @cunningminx
www.facebook.com/polyweekly

31. ?