1. CBF Fellows
Session 2
February 27- March 1, 2013
2. Desired Outcomes
— Receive LPI 360 feedback about leadership
practices
— Understanding emotional intelligence and its
impact on leadership
— Understand conflict management styles and
healthy responses to conflict
— Learn how to have difficult conversations
— Explore congregational support systems
3. Reconnecting/Checking in
— Welcome and prayer
— Logistics and reminders
— Everyone shares one life change since we last met
(personal or professional)
4. Talking Chair Reporting
— At your table group, share your progress in
completing your talking chair assignment,
— Refer to your Professional Plan Template from
Session One
7. Desired Outcomes
} Describe
the 5
Practices
} Relate the
Practices
to your
leadership
} Identify
strengths
&
challenges
} Identify
areas to
develop &
improve
8. An Approach
to Leadership
— Leadership is a relationship
— Leadership is everyone’s
work
— Leadership development is
self-development
15. Using LPI Behaviors
Makes Leaders Better
— Meeting job-related demands
— Representing units to management
— Creating higher performing teams
— Fostering loyalty and commitment
— Increasing motivation and willingness to work
— Reducing absenteeism, turnover and dropouts
— Possessing higher degrees of credibility
16. How to Use the Feedback
— Look for messages, not measures
— Accept feedback as a gift
— Take the process seriously
— Trust the feedback you receive
— Value the differences
— Use your coach
— Make a plan to improve
— Continue to seek feedback
20. Analytical Bible Study
1. Each person reads a passage aloud with
others paying particular attention to the
concept of faithfulness in each passage.
2. Individually list the characteristics below. The
characteristics can also be images you felt
during the readings.
3. What is the importance of faithfulness? How
are we faithful to God when leading a
congregation? How is God faithful to us?
22. How are you?
High
Step 1.
Mark how
you feel
Energy
X1.
Step 2.
Indicate
where you
think your
partner is Low
Y1 Unpleasant Pleasant
Negative Feeling Positive
23. It matters how you feel!
High
Afraid Surprised
Angry Happy
Annoyed Pleased
Energy
Sad Content
Bored Calm
Tired
Low
Unpleasant Emotion Pleasant
32. Emotions and Moral Judgment
Marcus, 2002
— Justice and democracy impossible without emotions.
— Emotions act as moral intuitions – guiding us from right and
wrong.
35. The science of EI …
— Began in 1990 by Salovey & Mayer
Emotional intelligence is "the ability to monitor
one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to
discriminate among them, and to use this
information to guide one's thinking and action".
“Mayer, Salovey, Caruso’s approach sets the gold standard.”
- Dr. Catherine Daus & Dr. Neal Ashkanasy
35
37. Emotional Intelligence is:
— A hard skill
— A form of
intelligence
Where
— You think about
emotions, and
— Emotions help you
think
37
38. Emotional Intelligence relates
to:
— Greater empathy for others
— More positive behaviors
— Less ‘negative’ behaviors
— Better quality social relationships
— Enhanced communication
— Social support
— Vision, charisma, teamwork …
38
39. Emotions have meaning and
importance
1. Occurs due to a
change in the
environment
2. Occurs
automatically and
quickly
3. Changes attention
and thought
4. Certain physical
feelings
5. Motivates behavior
Serves an adaptive
function
39
40. Emotions drive relationships
— The primary function of emotion is to
mobilize the organism to deal
quickly with important interpersonal
events.
— Events include: threats, attacks,
alarms, courtships, social
contact, isolation, greetings,
appeasement, dominance,
submission, and play.
— Robert Plutchik, psychologist
40
41. Emotions are universal …
— Darwin The expression of the emotions
in man and animals (1872)
41
42. But, there are individual and group
differences
Emotional sensitivity:
- Ability to pick up emotional signals
- Varies from person to person
Specific causes of emotions:
- Can vary from person to person and
across groups
42
43. Emotional Differences
When we express these emotions:
- Differs from culture to culture
- These are called display rules
43
46. What emotions are How are these
you, and others, emotions
experiencing? directing and
IDENTIFY impacting thinking?
MANAGE USE
How do you manage UNDERSTAND What caused these
your emotions and emotions? How
other’s emotions? might these
emotions change?
47. EI Skill Building Points
1. Recognize emotions exist and begin to pay
closer attention to emotion cues.
2. Emotions contain data.
3. Emotions can be managed.
4. Emotions can be used to influence yourself
and others (intra and interpersonal).
5. Emotion and rational data leveraged
produce optimum decision making.
52. Real or Fake?
Real expressions of
happiness and joy are
noted in the smile
(upturned mouth) but must
be accompanied by
‘smiling eyes’ or crow’s
feet.
80. Emotional Charades
— Volunteers will pick an emotion word, think about the physical
behaviors that accompany this emotion and portray it as best
they can.
— Add appropriate facial expressions, sounds, gestures to indicate
emotion.
— The rest of us will guess the emotion.
81. Why is this important?
— Emotional information hits us QUICKER than words.
If you want to be more effective in communication in
real time – notice what you are emoting!
— Practice.
— Practice.
— Practice.
— Helps to form new neural
pathways.
83. Using emotions
— Feelings affect thinking
and vice-versa
— Emotions can help or
hinder
— The emotional state may
be the most important
factor
83
90. Using Emotions
“I never came upon any of my
discoveries through the process of
rational thinking.”
91. “We can't solve problems by using
the same kind of thinking we used
when we created them.”
92. Use Emotions: The ability to generate,
use, and feel emotion
“Effective leadership directly involves the use of emotion,
often through symbolic management [where] the leader
uses symbols – stories, rituals, myths, fables – to rouse
and motivate staff to guide them toward achievement of
a shared vision.”
Caruso, Mayer & Salovey 2001
94. Emotional Inventory – Easy
— Emotion
Choose an emotion that is easy for you to go to.
— DON’T SHOW YOUR PARTNER THE
EMOTION WORD YOU CHOSE.
— Tell a story of regarding this emotion word
without using the word.
— Your goal is to:
— Generate these emotions in yourself
— Generate these emotions in your partner
— Partner engages in active and reflective
emotional listening.
— Ask a question that reflects the storyteller’s emotions
— Make an empathic comment
— Both your substance and your style should match the story
95. Storytelling Debrief
n How deeply did you feel what
the storyteller conveyed?
n What were the elements of
the storytelling that were
effective?
96. Sensory Development
Awaken the senses
through multi source
sensory stimulation.
1. Taste
2. Touch
3. Smell
4. Sight
5. Hearing
98. Use Negative Emotions
Productively
Negative emotional states:
— Provide us with a clear focus
— Details examined more efficiently
— Search for errors is enhanced
— Process arguments more
systematically
— Recall a meeting or situation when a negative mood
was helpful
99. Use Positive Emotions
Productively
Positive emotional states:
— Expands our thinking
— Helps generate new ideas
— Encourages us to consider
possibilities
— Recall a meeting or a situation
when a positive mood was
helpful:
100. Matching emotion to task
High
Energy
Low
Unpleasant Pleasant
Negative Feeling Positive
104. What emotions are you, How are these
and others, emotions
experiencing? directing and
impacting thinking?
IDENTIFY
MANAGE USE
How do you manage UNDERSTAND What caused
your emotions and these emotions?
other’s emotions?
How might these
emotions
change?
105. Skill Building
Understanding Emotions
— You have to accurately name it and understand where it comes from
Clearly articulating feelings
is important to effective
communication. Understanding
emotional causes as well as
predicting emotional behavior is key.
106. Sources of emotions:
Joy Gain something of value
Sadness Lose something of value
Anger An obstacle to achieving a
goal
Disgust Offends your principles or
values
Surprise Unexpected event
Interest Something new
Fear A perceived threat
107. Understanding emotions
— Emotions are not moods
— Emotions can be named
— You are not your feelings (emotions)
— Emotions are temporary
— Emotions involve body and mind
— Emotions are complex and changing
— Emotions are information!
107
111. Understand Activity
Small Groups
1. Brainstorm several work-related activities.
2. Select your top three as a group.
3. List emotions you experience most frequently
with those activities.
4. Explain/list causes for those emotions.
5. Choose the emotions that you want to experience
that would be the most beneficial for the task at
hand.
6. Determine some behaviors you can utilize to get
you to those new/desired emotional states.
112. Values
— We become “emotional” about things we value.
— Knowing what you value and your clients value helps to
understand the causes and predictions of emotions better.
— Do the values need to be realigned? Changed? Enhanced?
— Re-examing values is also a way to help manage emotions.
113. Understanding Emotions
Key Skill Building Points:
— Arguably an easier skill to build.
— Increase emotional vocabulary
— Analyze and forecast what emotion and/or event
produces what type of emotional outcome.
115. What emotions are you, How are these
and others, emotions
experiencing? directing and
impacting thinking?
IDENTIFY
MANAGE USE
How do you UNDERSTAND What caused these
manage your emotions? How
might these
emotions and emotions change?
other’s
emotions?
119. Instructions
PAIR UP
Slide Viewer: you will watch a slide show
Rater: face Slide Viewer. Do not watch
slide show. Guess the emotions they feel
and express.
121. Slide Viewer Instructions
You will view a set of slides of sad
images.
However, your task is to suppress
your real feelings and show a Neutral
to Calm expression.
BEGIN NOW
122.
123.
124.
125.
126.
127.
128. Discussion
Rater:
— What emotion was expressed?
— What emotion was felt?
Slide Viewer:
— How well did you manage your
expression?
— Strategies used to control emotional
expression?
138. — Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging
about their fathers. The first boy says, "My
Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper, he calls it a poem, they give him
$50.”
— The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a song, they give him $100.”
— The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My
Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people
to collect all the money!"
142. Discussion
Rater:
— What emotion was expressed?
— What emotion was felt?
Slide Viewer:
— How well did you manage your
expression?
— Strategies used to control emotional
expression?
143. Managing Emotions
— Can we always control our
emotions?
— Do we ‘leak’ emotions?
— How does it impact others if
we hide underlying feeling?
144. Even if you can suppress, it
has a cost:
Suppress
Information
145. The cost of suppression
— Loss of information
— Inaccurate reads of suppressed emotions
— Physical and emotional toll on the one who
suppresses
— Loss of ability to empathize and connect with
others
146. Effective emotion management
1. Breathe
2. Meditate
3. Re-examine values
4. Stay present
5. Do more of what you enjoy
6. Select another situation
7. Modify the situation
8. Modify the emotion
9. Reappraise the situation
10. Reposition your body
11. Visualize something else
148. Intervening Moments
Exercise
— With a partner, pick an event that requires an emotional
management intervention to get to the reaction you
want to project.
— What is your strategy?
149. Welcoming emotions
Don’t Do
— Be used by them — Be inspired
— Be motivated
— Be highjacked
— Find out what’s
— Be undermined happening
— Be afraid — Make intelligent
choices about
— Avoid them emotions
— Blend emotion and
— Suppress them thought
149
150. Strategies that
don’t work
— Mind/mood altering
substances
— Alcohol
— Big Macs
— Chocolate
— Cigars
— Escapism
— TV, media
150
151. Strategies that do work
— Writing
— 20 minutes a day without stopping
— Use more positive than negative emotional words
— Use causal words (e.g., this caused, led me to, etc.)
— Use insightful words and phrases (e.g., “understand,”
“realize”)
151
152. Strategies that do work
— Exercising
— 3 times per week or more
— 20 -30 minutes a session
— Aerobic exercise
— It does not have to be highly intense to help
152
153. Speed Advice/Sharing Emotion
Management Strategies
— Think of a situation that
stresses you
— Briefly explain it to your team
members
— One minute per person.
— Team provides potential
emotional management
strategies.
154. Managing Emotions
Key Skill Building Points
— Calibrate yourself to be open to emotional information.
— Emotions can be managed through awareness, self induced
relaxation, determining payoffs and mood induction exercises.
— Learn what works best for you and others.
— Use multiple methods to influence others.
— Navigate towards forecasted and desired outcomes by using
emotionally intelligent behavior
155. Who Needs Gingko?
Emotions are a natural memory
enhancer
“Emotions give a more activated
and chemically stimulated
brain, which helps us recall
things better.”
156. Wrap Up and Conclusion
How has this personally impacted you?
What are some key insights you gained today that will
help you along your EI journey?
What are some areas you would like to pursue
further?
162. What style, when?
1. Identify a Biblical story that demonstrates your
group’s conflict style
2. Identify situations in a congregational where this
style could be helpful
3. Identify situations where this style might not be
helpful.
164. Desired Outcomes
— Understand responses to conflict
— Examining Biblical models for
responding to conflict
— Developing constructive strategies for
responding to conflict
166. The church we want:
“Allthe believers continued together in
close fellowship . . . they had their
meals together in their homes, eating
with glad and humble hearts, praising
God, and enjoying the good will of all
the people.”
(Acts 2:44-47)
167. The church we (often) get:
For some people from Chloe's family have told me
quite plainly, my friends, that there are quarrels
among you. Let me put it this way: each one of you
says something different. One says, “I follow Paul”;
another, “I follow Apollos”; another, “I follow Peter”;
and another, “I follow Christ.” Christ has been
divided into groups!
(1Cor. 1:11-13)
168. "There is no dipper that
never scrapes the kettle"
—Chinese proverb
169. The witness of scripture about
conflict (p. 49)
Jesus' life & ministry produced
conflict:
— With his family
— With his disciples
— With the authorities
— With other religious people
— With other Jews
170. The Witness of Scripture
(p. 49)
— The earliest churches had conflict:
— Acts: Who can belong?
— Corinth: Immorality and class
conflict
— Galatia: Foolishness, negligence
— Philippi: Posturing and division
— The seven churches of Revelation
171. .
Copyright Dik LaPine and Christianity Today International/BuildingChurchLeaders.com. Used with permission
172. Congregations Reporting
Conflict
Faith Communities Today 2000 Study
80%
70%
60% Some level,
50% any kind
40%
Serious level,
30%
any kind
20%
10%
0%
Congregational Conflict
173. Congregational Conflict Has
Consequences
— 70% of pastors regularly
consider leaving the ministry
— 63% had been fired at least
twice
— 78% had been forced to
resign at least once
174. Sources of conflict
§ Disagreement about values/beliefs
§ Unclear leadership structures
§ Pastor’s role and responsibilities
§ Disagreement about leadership style
§ Changes in worship or music
§ Staff conflicts and loyalties
§ Narcissistic behavior
179. The Negative Effects of
Conflict
} Can cause group members to feel less
positive toward the group
} Impacts members level of satisfaction
} Decreases effectiveness in working together
} Hampers future decision making
} Lowers overall performance
180. Positive Benefits of Conflict
} Can produce higher quality decisions
} Can improve overall performance
} Improves overall quality
} Energizes relationships
} Encourages productivity and innovation
} Gives a voice to minority positions
} Unearths hitherto undiscovered problems
} Improves long-term sustainability
182. Destructive Conflict: Affective
} Emotion-centered
} Person-centered
} Undermines teamwork
} Undermines the ability to make decisions
} Undermines commitment to decisions
} Seeks a win-lose solution
183. Constructive Conflict: Substantive
} Issue or problem focused
} Does not confuse persons with positions
} Argues and disagrees without destroying the
group’s ability to work together
} Seeks to solve problems, not win arguments
} Seeks a win-win solution
184. Responding to
congregational
conflict
Strategies that make a difference
190. Why you should avoid
avoidance
} Conflict does not often go away--just
underground
} It’s more honest and healthier to say, "We
don't agree, let's work on solving our
disagreement"
} The perceived problem may go away . . .
only to return again (and again) another day
192. Different kinds of conflict
require different strategies
— If it is a substantive conflict
— Focused on issues
— Identifiable problem to solve
— Utilize an issue-focused
problem solving methodology
193. Different kinds of conflict
require different strategies
— If it is an interpersonal/emotional
conflict (affective)
— Focused on feelings
— Interpersonal in nature
— Utilize a methodology focused on
empathy, listening and personal
responsibility
194. Which comes first, thoughts or
feelings?
} Feeling precedes thinking for most people
} Emotions can help or hinder thought
processes
} Emotions refuse to be ignored in conflict
situations
} Rational (thinking) problem solving usually
happens after dealing with emotions
195. LEVELS OF CONFLICT
5 Intractable
Situation
4 Fight/Flight
3 Contest
2 Disagreement
1 A Problem to Solve
0 Depression .
196. What level?
Discuss:
— Think about a conflict you have
experienced in your ministry and
identify the level of conflict.
— What signs have you observed that
point to the level you have identified?
197. Managing conflict
— The simplest way to manage
conflict is to keep differences of
opinion at Level One.
— Levels 2 through 5 have to be
moved down
— Level 0 has to move up
198. 7 Steps in Problem Solving
1. Identify the issue: What are we trying to
decide?
2. What alternatives do we have?
3. How might each alternative work?
4. Which alternative(s) do we choose?
5. What do we need to do to carry out the
decision?
6. Who will do what? Be specific
7. When and how will we evaluate? •
202. Involvement in community is a
predictor for other things
— Giving
— Volunteering
— Service to others
— Concern for the common good
— Trust of others
203. “To predict whether I am likely
to give time, money, blood, or
even a minor favor, you need to
know, above all, how active I
am in community life and how
strong my ties to family,
friends, and neighbors are.”
-Robert Putnam, Bowling Alone
207. A Biblical model of reconciliation
Matthew 18:15-17
Person Injured
Injured person
takes initiative
Why?
Offender may not know
Reconciliation No Reconciliation
Bring another
Reconciliation No Reconciliation
Bring to Body
212. Case Study Exploration
— Read the case study individually
— With your table group, identify:
1. The problem(s) that needs to be solved
2. Who is responsible for solving the
problem?
3. Possible methods for solving the problem
214. Three Conversations in One
— The “What Happened”
Conversation
— The Feelings Conversation
— The Identity Conversation
215. What Happened?
— Not who’s right — Exploring stories
— Don’t assume what — Disentangle intent
they meant from impact
— Abandon blame — Map the
Contribution system
216. Feelings Matter!
— Unexpressed feelings
— Leak or burst into conversation
— Make it difficult to listen
— Affect our self-esteem
— Getting a handle on your feelings
— Explore your feeling history
— Find “bundle” of feelings behind simple
label
— Find feelings lurking under judgments
— Negotiate with your feelings
— Acknowledgement is key
217. Identity – What’s At Stake?
— Three Core Identities
— Am I competent?
— Am I a good person?
— Am I worthy of love?
— Avoid the All or Nothing Syndrome
218. Ground Your Identity
— Become aware of what’s at stake
— Adopt the And Stance
— Three Things to Accept
— You will make mistakes
— Your intentions are complex
— You have contributed to the problem
— Regaining Your Balance
— Let go of control of their reaction
— Prepare for their response
— Get some perspective (3 months, 3 years, 3
decades)
220. Begin from the Third Story
— Our story is important, but not the
best place to start
— Think like a mediator
— Not right or wrong – Just different
— Stay with the third story
— Reframe your statements
— Reframe their statements
221. Extend the Invitation
— Describe your purposes
— Invite, don’t impose
— Make them your partner
— Be persistent
— Key phrases
— I’d like to talk about
— I wonder if it would make sense
— Would you mind discussing
222. Listening is Key
— Listening transforms the conversation
— Listening helps them listen to you
— Listen from the inside out
— Forget the words – Authenticity
— Become aware of your internal voice
— Negotiate your way into curiosity
— Inquire, paraphrase, acknowledge
223. Speak up too
— You are entitled
— Failure to express yourself keeps you
out of relationships
— Entitlement doesn’t mean obligation
— Speak to the heart of the matter
— Start with what matters most
— Say what you mean
— Recognize complexity (Me-Me And)
224. Telling Your Story Clearly
— Don’t present your conclusions as THE
TRUTH
— Share from where your conclusions come.
— Don’t exaggerate (always & never)
225. Take the Lead in Problem Solving
} Reframe, reframe, reframe
} Move from “either/or” to “and”
} Listen even more
} Name the dynamic
} It takes two to agree
} Test your perceptions
◦ Say what is missing
◦ Say what would persuade you
◦ Ask what (if anything) would persuade them
◦ Ask their advice
} Invent options
226. Checklist
1. Prepare by walking through the three
conversations
— What happened
— Emotions
— Identity
2. Check your purposes and decide whether to
raise the issue
3. Start from the third story
4. Explore their story and yours
5. Problem Solving
230. The Talking Chair
— Complete the worksheet in the Learner’s Guide on p.
68
— Prepare to share your commitments with your table
group and the faculty
231. Assignments and next
steps
Pick a new project to work on for next time
Compete the evaluation online
Pray for one another and keep in touch!
