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Sk y Blu e Pre s s
San Antonio, Texas
M I R A G E S
The Unexpurgated Diary
of Anaïs Nin
1939-1947
Preface by Paul Herron
I...
T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S
Preface by Paul Herron ........................................................................
P R E F A C E •
ix
	 Mirages is the untold story of Anaïs Nin’s personal struggle to keep alive what she
valued most in li...
M I R A G E S•
x
her many lovers could live up to her ideal, she exclaimed to the diary: “Oh, someone,
someone love me as ...
•
1
Aboard the seaplane Clipper, December 7, 1939
I carried you above the clouds in a little blue cloth bag—you and the vo...
•
31
September 12, 1940, Holly Chambers Hotel, N.Y.C.
I spent all afternoon walking the streets of the Village looking for...
•
47
T he C ollector
While all this happened, I stood in the room staring at Robert, and perhaps
through my eyes he saw hi...
•
57
T he C ollector
but the experienced girl at Elizabeth Arden said: “Apart from the lines around your
eyes, all is well...
•
98
New York, January 8, 1942
Hugo has given me $100 for the press. Press $75, type $30, miscellaneous $20. We
shall begi...
Anaïs Nin, 1940s
Henry Miller at Hampton Manor
Anaïs Nin and Gore Vidal
Rupert Pole
•
407
I N D E X
Abramson, Ben 109, 215
Admiral, Virginia 6, 38, 41, 60, 68, 74, 77, 84,
96, 98, 133
Air-Conditioned Nightm...
M I R A G E S•
414
Stroup, Jon 225, 232, 239
Suchet, Boulevard (Paris) 74
Sweeney, James Johnson 142
Sykes, Gerald 17, 171...
Wo r k s b y a n d a b o u t A n a ï s N i n
Published by Sky Blue Press
The Portable Anaïs Nin - Anthology
The Winter of ...
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Sample pages from Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin, 1939-1947

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Sample pages from Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin, 1939-1947

  1. 1. Sk y Blu e Pre s s San Antonio, Texas M I R A G E S The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin 1939-1947 Preface by Paul Herron Introduction by Kim Krizan Edited by Paul Herron •
  2. 2. T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S Preface by Paul Herron ............................................................................................ix Introduction by Kim Krizan................................................................................xi Again Towards America - Will I ever reach joy?............................................1 John - I believe I have defended myself against suffering........................................14 Nanankepichu Ii - We saved the dream.............................................................31 The Collector - I suggested we feed him the diary...........................................41 Intermezzo - Please lead me into the world of pleasure.......................................58 I Remembered This - My first erotic feeling.......................................................86 The Press - I don’t want to think—I want to do some typesetting.......................98 No Puedo Mas - I do not want you back...........................................................104 A Dream of Haiti - My desire surges towards him.........................................150 Woman of Action - I feel ready for this...........................................................185 Under a Glass Bell - My own soul has reached into other souls.................215 L’homme Fatal - My difficulty with the feminine man.....................................236 The Transparent Child - He is my son, my lover.......................................250 The Problem of the Diary - My own voice is here...................................281 This Great Hunger - Now you must find reality...........................................292 Gore - If I could have loved a woman, it would be you........................................309 Awakening - Oh, the drug of my marvelous dreams..........................................349 Endings - The hell grew larger as the illusions broke...........................................376 Renunciation - There was a stranger in my bed...............................................386 Life! - Touch, oh, touch this man of fire.................................................................398 Index..........................................................................................................................407
  3. 3. P R E F A C E • ix Mirages is the untold story of Anaïs Nin’s personal struggle to keep alive what she valued most in life—the dream—in the face of the harsh, puritanical climate of 1940s New York. It is a record of a journey across what Nin called the “desert before me” and witness to her painful rebirth as a woman and writer. It is the story missing from The Diary of Anaïs Nin, particularly volumes 3 and 4, which also cover 1939 through 1947. This book finally answers what readers have been asking for decades: What led to the demise of Nin’s love affair with Henry Miller? Just how troubled was her marriage to Hugh Guiler? What is the story behind Nin’s “children,” the effeminate young men she seemed to collect at will? How was it that Nin wrote so prolifically during such a tumultuous time? What is the truth about her mysterious relationship with Gore Vidal? And what was it about Rupert Pole that seemed to assuage all the pain Nin had endured? In 1939, shortly after fleeing wartime Paris for New York, Nin wrote: “Over and over again I sail towards joy, which is never in the room with me, but always near me, across the way, like those rooms full of gayety one sees from the street, or the gayety in the street one sees from a window. Will I ever reach joy?” By 1946, her search had devolved into agony: “The greatest suffering does not come from living in mirages, but from awakening. There is no greater pain than awakening from a dream, the deep crying over the dying selves…” As World War II spread across the world, Nin waged her own war against a reality she found so horrifying that she repeatedly contemplated suicide and sought temporary salvation in numerous doomed love affairs with an assortment of men, ranging from the staid critic Edmund Wilson to seventeen-year-old Bill Pinckard, searching for the “One” who could respond to her, not only sensually, but completely. When none of preface •
  4. 4. M I R A G E S• x her many lovers could live up to her ideal, she exclaimed to the diary: “Oh, someone, someone love me as I have loved.” It was only after abandoning her quixotic quest that Nin met Rupert Pole, the ardent lover who seemed to answer her needs—and who would eventually prompt her to swing back and forth across the continent between him and her husband for the rest of her life. Nin wrote in 1943, “I feel like rewriting the entire diary in two columns: the actual diary as it is and its completion à la Proust—filling, rounding, objectifying, encircling, encompassing all.” While Nin never actually put her diary into two columns, this aspiration was achieved, to an extent, in her publication history. She published the “objectified” version in the form of The Diary of Anaïs Nin, but with one major omission: because her husband and some of her lovers were still alive at the time, she was forced to excise an entire side of her character—the erotic—from the text. While Mirages could have been a simple accumulation of what was left out of the Diaries, the higher aim was to assemble the most meaningful material from the missing “column” and reconstruct Nin’s story, and what a story it is. Here, the hazy, almost imagined images and the vague angst of the Diary snap into eye-searing focus, cast in a strong, sharp, defining light, laid bare for the reader. It is sometimes shocking, sometimes beautiful, sometimes agonizing, with little left to the imagination. The personages of the Diary become real people with real flaws and real problems; the transformation Nin undergoes is made brutally clear. Mirages is a document of heartbreak, despair, desperation, carnage and deep mourning, but it is also one of courage, persistence, evolution and redemption. Paul Herron, Editor San Antonio, Texas March 2013
  5. 5. • 1 Aboard the seaplane Clipper, December 7, 1939 I carried you above the clouds in a little blue cloth bag—you and the volumes not yet copied. So fast we fly over the distance I no longer feel the pain of separation. So fast we fly, it is a dream and not reality, and in the dream pain is short-lived and soon dissolved. Again towards America, as during the other war. From high above the life in Paris seems so small and dark, and I ask myself why I wept so much. I am still baffled by the mystery of how man has an independent life from woman, whereas I die when separated from my lover. While all these threads of desire and tenderness stifled me, I climbed into a giant bird and swooped toward space. Up here I do not suffer. Distance is magically covered. It is a dream. It is an inhuman bird that carries me to a new destiny. I rise. At last, like Henry, I know detachment, enter a non- human world. For this voyage I threw out a great deal of weight, to permit myself to rise. Constantly I am throwing out ballast. I never keep bags or old papers or objects I no longer love. It is not masochism. A spiritual nature is aware of its faults and seeks to perfect itself, and can only achieve this by suffering and accepting. I needed to be humanized. I keep nothing that is dead, only what I wear, love, what is my living décor, my living symbols. About a week ago I awakened with strange fears. Gonzalo had delayed his trip. I said, “I am afraid now it is I who will leave first.” Two days later Hugo telephoned from A gain T o wards A merica Will I ever reach joy?
  6. 6. • 31 September 12, 1940, Holly Chambers Hotel, N.Y.C. I spent all afternoon walking the streets of the Village looking for a place for Gonzalo and me, for a dream, a room that would not be just a room, a studio that would not be just a studio, a house that would not be just a house. I was standing at the corner of my hotel, worn out and discouraged, about to go back in, to surrender. At that moment I felt so vividly the kind of place I dreamed of that I continued to walk, as if I were walking towards it. I walked to an agent, and he took me to three places. The third place was the Place—an old red brick house in front of the Provincetown Playhouse. Top floor—a studio which is an echo of Nanankepichu—part of it low-ceilinged, uneven, with small square windows, the other half skylight, high and wonderful for drawing and writing. Old but clean, floor painted black, a fireplace—an air of not being in New York. A big bed and a big desk. Beautiful. My heart was pounding. I took it immediately. The next morning, while waiting for Gonzalo, I took over the bed cover from Paris, the same pair of sheets we had in rue Cassini, the seashell lamp. I bought two bottles of Chianti, two big candles, a bottle opener—and there it was! When Gonzalo came, he was thunderstruck. He said: “It’s the barge!” He was enchanted. The only beautiful place in New York, with charm and strangeness and uniqueness! He threw wine on the floor for luck. Finding the place made me happy. It seems to me we can find again the dream which New York has destroyed. I was dancing with joy. Gonzalo said: “Me voy muy contento.” nanan k epichu I I We saved the dream
  7. 7. • 47 T he C ollector While all this happened, I stood in the room staring at Robert, and perhaps through my eyes he saw his disguise, the eyes of my strength calling to him to stand erect and cease these gestures. I am filled with the tears of Eduardo: “I know I risked losing Robert when I took him as a woman…” The tearless, smileless life of Robert flows into his diary because we all talk to each other through diaries. Robert lays the diary open on my knees. He says: “At first with you and me it was the myth. But now I feel it is human.” I felt guilty whenIrememberedRoberthadreadinmydiariesaboutmyexperience with Eduardo in Paris when we tried to make our love actual. I asked myself: did Robert act out this pattern of outgoing and then withdrawing, like the magic dictation I received from June, the June in me pushing me to abandon Henry and then return to him? Patterns, repetitions. “Your only weakness,” said Henry to me many years ago, “is your incapacity to destroy.” It only came to me this year—I revolted against being a saint, a martyr. Today Patchen telephoned me: would I send him ten dollars. This request came three days after I had already given him ten dollars. Hugo and I eat for a week on ten dollars. And just a few minutes before I had telegraphed Henry all I had! The injustice riled me. I wrote Patchen a long, stormy letter. I told him we all knew the world has never taken care of the artist, and no one counted on it. He is like an angry beast demanding to be fed, and one knows as soon as one stops feeding him he will be full of hatred again. I do not forgive hatred. Three people have aroused my hatred: Helba, John, and Patchen. Perhaps it was necessary that I should learn hatred too. I feared it so. I always strove so desperately for harmony. I could not bear hatred, but it is a force. In Patchen I rebel against what Helba and Gonzalo made me suffer, and I refuse to pass through this state again. I have no pity for Patchen, because his hatred is stronger than his love, and his self-love greater than all, and above all, his stupidity, his denseness… I now have the courage for anger, of being hated. Before I had to win all the loves, even the ones I did not feel, but I no longer can pretend. January 25, 1941 My letter to Patchen was mad. My madness now is: why do people want to use me, my strength, my courage, my devotion? Why? Is it my weakness they immediately exploit? The moonstorm makes me insane, but my insanity is nothing but revolt, the revolt I never expressed or lived out. I no longer want to be the victim of the criminals. I want to be the criminal, and this has come simultaneously with the birth of the artist. I want to be the artist now. I have begun to create. I am sad, humanly I am sad. The saint in me was killed by excess. I had to know hatred.
  8. 8. • 57 T he C ollector but the experienced girl at Elizabeth Arden said: “Apart from the lines around your eyes, all is well. The muscles are firm.” I can deceive anyone, even a doctor. I pass for thirty easily. My walk is easy and free, my steps are light—but the feeling, the agedness given to me by the American life, its immaturity! Everywhere there are unformed beings, awkward ages. That has aged me in my awareness. Fatigue. The passage into human life, detachment from the dream. Once, Luise Rainer and I ran away together when visiting Dorothy Norman, to talk. We slipped out of the house, and she drove us to see the ocean which faces Europe. We stood on the edge of the beach, yearning for Europe together. Laughingly, sadly, I said to myself: for this romantic escapade in an open car, hair flying in the damp night, I will pay dearly. The next days were filled with pains and overwhelming fatigue. I left the weekend defeated, shattered. While walking today, I thought I would write a book on aging, le déjà vécu. The tragic motif comes from my not being physically and spiritually in harmony. I await the moment of retreat, and each one seems to be a victory over pain. What pain? The pain that lies in everything. I…once so prodigal… The book of age is the book of caution. I seek tranquility and the absence of pain. The Monster lies all around me, gigantic in the world today. The outer image is too horrible for human awareness. Contemplate the news—the war of Germany and Russia—and you go mad. I have created the isolation in which I find myself. Life shrinks in proportion to one’s courage. Letter to Henry: Do you want a divorce, Henry, so you can live out west, quietly? Are you ready to live alone in your Shangri-La? I have felt at times that you were approaching that Tibetan cycle. Should I free you of me? Are you ready for the ascension? Should I be Seraphita now and vanish, is this the moment? Robert escaped from the army, came back, seeking a place to nestle in. He slept two nights curled up in a parked car, and then went back to Marjorie, who has room for him in her apartment. He is thoroughly dehumanized now.
  9. 9. • 98 New York, January 8, 1942 Hugo has given me $100 for the press. Press $75, type $30, miscellaneous $20. We shall begin reprinting Winter of Artifice (the “Father” and the “Voice” sections only). I have been copying volume 62, arranging carbons and pages for Virginia and Janet (when they are finished I will have a double of the whole diary except for the first ten volumes in French), binding the work already done in black folders, clipping the rice paper copies for the boxes to be deposited at Thurema’s (in case of air raid). Work has integrated me. I am content. I have no time for obsessions. I had to console Henry for his one failure: the American book. His worst book. I hope it is the deadly effect of America on him and not the disintegration I have seen take place now in every artist around me who has abandoned himself to his every whim, lack of discipline, fancy, dadaism, instinct, negativism, that falling apart of the self-indulgent, the liberated unconscious, the loss of contact with human reality. I am concerned over Henry. In freeing him, protecting him, I have nurtured both his dream and his weakness. He has a cult of his own naturalness; he has defended his defects. Whatever influence I had on his writing was indirect—it was an effect on his being—but when I judged a fragment directly, Henry never yielded. A very lurid piece of writing which I fought to keep out of Black Spring he had printed in the Wisdom of the Heart. T he P ress I don’t want to think—I want to do some typesetting
  10. 10. Anaïs Nin, 1940s Henry Miller at Hampton Manor
  11. 11. Anaïs Nin and Gore Vidal Rupert Pole
  12. 12. • 407 I N D E X Abramson, Ben 109, 215 Admiral, Virginia 6, 38, 41, 60, 68, 74, 77, 84, 96, 98, 133 Air-Conditioned Nightmare, The (Miller) 42, 73-74, 78, 81, 84, 98, 99 Aleksander, Irina 111-12, 151, 158, 173, 184, 185-86, 189, 190, 192, 194, 194, 195, 217, 221, 224, 359 as fictional character 195-96 Alemany, José 73 Allendy, René 28, 80, 283 Amangansett, NY 229, 233 American book (see Air-Conditioned Nightmare, The) American Quarterly 267 Anatole (see Anatole Broyard) Argus Book Shop 109 Artaud, Antonin 32, 33, 48, 80, 176, 184 Arthur 392 Astor (bar) 369 Attaway, Bill 359 Azar, Lucienne 177 Azores 2 Baldwin, Lanny 236-51, 253, 255, 257, 258, 262, 263, 268, 274, 279, 280, 289, 294, 313 A.N.’s break with 246, 247, 248-49 as feminine man 244-45 relationship with 238-49 Banks, Nancy 361-62, 369, 372 Barer, Marshall 252, 288-89, 297, 299, 300, 303, 305, 310, 312, 320, 321, 329-30, 333 A.N.’s lovemaking with 320 Barker, George 81, 85, 99, 158 Barnes, Djuna 101 Beamish, Rae 10, 32, 84, 95 Beauty and the Beast (de Beaumont) 301 Bermuda 3 “Birth” (story) 4, 6, 37, 137, 193, 225 Black Spring (Miller) 98 Blackwood, Algernon 102 Blue Angel (nightclub) 160, 346, 404 Bogner, Inge 377, 391 I N D E X Bolero (Ravel) 287 Boyle, Kay 23, 81, 84, 110, 217 “Bread and the Wafer” (book section) 290 Breit, Harvey 81, 82, 110 Breton, André 20, 23, 34, 217 Brièrre, Jean 156, 159, 161-62, 165-66, 171, 177 Brooke, Rupert 400 Brown, Frances 119-20, 143, 146, 158, 171-73, 182, 183, 186, 187, 189, 192, 217, 221, 232, 243, 246, 247, 252, 255-58, 261-71, 274-79, 282, 285, 286, 292, 294, 296, 303, 306, 321, 342 as fictional character 195-96, 282, 286, 293 Brown, Tom 119, 172, 183, 196, 252, 261, 262, 265, 278, 282 Broyard, Anatole 392 Burford, William (Bill) 378, 382, 384, 389, 391, 393, 396, 402, 403, 404 homosexuality of 378, 382, 389, 390 letter to 388-89 Burlin, Helen 221 Cage, John 116 Cassini, rue (Paris) 2, 31, 50, 76 Cateret, Jean 2, 30, 44, 48, 77, 93, 146, 246, 267, 269, 290 Catherine 157-58 Caviar Restaurant 370 Cendrars, Blaise 23 Chareau, Dolly 224 Charles (restaurant) 321, 334, 339, 372 “Child Born Out of the Fog, The” (story) 369 Children of the Albatross 396, 400 Chinchilita (see Anaïs Nin) Chinchilito (see Edward Graeffe) Chisholm, Brigitte 7 Chisholm, Hugh 7, 103, 110 Christiani, Rita 351, 372 Cinderella (Barrie) 75, 169 Circle Magazine 246 Cities of the Interior 382, 393, 394, 396 City and the Pillar, The (Vidal) 386 Claude 305 Claudia 279
  13. 13. M I R A G E S• 414 Stroup, Jon 225, 232, 239 Suchet, Boulevard (Paris) 74 Sweeney, James Johnson 142 Sykes, Gerald 17, 171, 179 Tana 394 Tanguy, Yves 5, 34, 217 This Hunger 245, 280, 282, 286, 292, 303, 304, 308, 359 Three Deuces (nightclub) 289 Tibetan Book of the Dead 359 Tieko 279 Time Magazine 110, 113 Town and Country 53, 74, 225-26, 243 Trauma of Birth, The (Rank) 137 Trilling, Diana 377 Tristan and Iseult (Wagner) 63, 68, 246 Tropic of Cancer (Miller) xii, 145, 227, 391 Tropic of Capricorn (Miller) 80 Twice a Year (publication) 4, 43, 81 Tyler, Parker 303 Under a Glass Bell 205, 215, 223, 225, 231, 232, 234, 250, 290, 292, 295, 309, 405 Vallin, Ninon 69 Vanderbilt, Cornelia 316, 323, 327, 332, 335, 336, 354 Varda, Jean 222, 226, 246 Varèse, Edgar 81 ver Duft, Lee 232 Vidal, Gore ix, 309-57, 349-60, 361-66, 368-79, 381, 384-89, 391, 403-404 A.N.’s attraction to 310, 313, 315, 316-17, 328, 349 homosexuality of 312, 315, 319, 321, 324, 327, 333, 339, 341-45, 347, 350-51, 357, 369, 372-73, 404 relationship with 313, 324, 337, 339, 346, 366- 67, 370-72, 375 writing of 309, 314, 316, 318, 341, 344, 359, 363, 386-87 Villa Seurat (Paris) 82 Village (NYC) 31, 55, 73, 216, 234, 335, 361 Village Vanguard (nightclub) 388 Vincent 392-93, 400, 401 “Rue Dolent” (story) 11, 12, 26 Russia 4, 15, 57, 81, 97, 99, 106, 113, 141, 158, 184, 188 Russia, A.N.’s dream of (see Anaïs Nin) Sabina (character) 284, 288, 358 Sánchez, Anaïs Culmell (Tia Anaïs) Sánchez, Eduardo 13-16, 18, 19, 32, 51-54, 73, 74, 76, 79, 81, 84, 85, 94-96, 99-103, 142, 163, 167, 173, 189, 205, 234, 237, 240, 244, 245, 250, 251, 256, 277, 279, 288, 303, 314, 317, 318, 333, 339, 357, 370, 376 and Robert Duncan 38, 44-47, 85 A.N.’s relationship with 94 Sasha (see Alexander Hammid) Saturday Evening Post 82 Saturday Review of Literature 81 Scenario (Miller) 231 Schnellock, Emil 21, 125 Scott, Walter 17 Seligman, Kurt 217 Sexus (Miller) 20 Sheri (see Sheri Martinelli) Siegfried (see Edward Graeffe) Siegfried (Wagner) 61 Slocum, John 33, 37, 50, 51, 73 Slonim, Marc 113 Sokol, Thurema 4, 6, 51, 95, 119, 169, 176, 177, 182, 183, 186, 187, 189, 192, 194, 197, 201, 220, 221, 224, 232, 237, 241, 268, 271 as fictional character 195-96, 203, 233, 310 Sonata for Violin and Piano (Debussy) 392, 393 St. Tropez 50, 59, 61 St. Regis (bar) 321 Staff, Clement 294-301, 303-308, 310-14, 317, 319-20, 325, 327-30, 334, 336-39, 343, 345-59, 362, 370, 372, 376-78, 381, 385-88, 391, 401 Stalin, Josef 96, 139 Stalingrad (USSR) 189 Stella (character) 237, 243, 267, 282, 284, 288, 358 Steloff, Frances 4, 73, 84, 225, 226, 295 Sterne, James 113, 149 Stieglitz, Alfred 4, 81 Stork Club (NYC) 321 Stricker 220
  14. 14. Wo r k s b y a n d a b o u t A n a ï s N i n Published by Sky Blue Press The Portable Anaïs Nin - Anthology The Winter of Artifice - Original 1939 Paris Edition A Café in Space: The Anaïs Nin Literary Journal Anaïs Nin's Lost World: Paris in Words and Pictures, 1924-1939 (U.S. Edition) Anaïs Nin: The Last Days - A Memoir Anaïs Nin Character Dictionary and Index to Diary Excerpts Anaïs Nin: A Book of Mirrors Coming soon: ANAÏS: An International Journal in e-book format Published by Ohio University Press/Swallow Press D. H. Lawrence: An Unprofessional Study House of Incest Winter of Artifice Under a Glass Bell Ladders to Fire Children of the Albatross The Four-Chambered Heart A Spy in the House of Love Seduction of the Minotaur Collages Cities of the Interior A Woman Speaks The Novel of the Future Waste of Timelessness and Other Early Stories Selected titles available as e-books for purchase from major e-bookstores. Twitter: https://twitter.com/anaisninblog Blog: http://anaisninblog.skybluepress.com

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