1. CHAPTER4
Revising and proofreading
Business Messages

2. The Writing Process

3. Improving content and
sentence structure
May involve adding,
cutting, and recasting.
Correcting grammar,
spelling, punctuation,
format, and mechanics
Proofreading
Revising

4. Memo Revised for Conciseness

5. Revising Business Messages
Revising business message includes avoiding-
Flabby expression rather using concise wording
1. Wordy prepositional 8. Jargon
2. Long lead-ins 9. Slang
3. Outdated Expressions 10. Clichés
4. Needless adverbs 11.Precise verbs
5. Fillers 12. Concrete nouns
6. Repetitious words 13. Vivid adjectives
7. Redundant words

6. Concise Wording
Flabby Expressions Concise wording
At a later date Later
At this point in time Now
Afford an opportunity Allow
Are of the opinion that Believe, think that
At the present time Now presently
Despite the fact that Though
Due to the fact that Because, since
Feel free to Please
Fully cognizant of Aware of
In addition to the above also
During the time While
Revise your messages to eliminate flabby expressions.

7. Avoid Wordy Prepositional Phrases
Replace wordy prepositional phrases with adverbs
whenever possible.
For example, in the normal course of events can
be written as normally and as general rule as
generally.
Wordy: MCI approached the merger in a careful manner.
Concise: MCI approached the merger carefully.

8. Limit Long Lead-Ins
Instead of this
This memo is to inform
you that all employees
meet today.
I am writing this letter
to say thanks to
everyone who voted.
Try this
All employees
meet today.
Thanks to
everyone who
voted.

9. Drop Unnecessary Fillers
Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there
is/was and it is/was when used merely to take
up space.
Instead of this
There was only one
employees who should
be promoted.
It was Lisa and Jeff
who were honored.
Try this
Only one employee
should be promoted.
Lisa and Jeff were
honored.

10. Quick
Check
Revise the following sentences to avoid flabby
expressions, long lead-ins, and unnecessary
there is/it is fillers.
A new health benefit
plan is available for
employees.
This e-mail message is to
inform you that there is a
new health benefit plan
available for employees.
I would like to take this
opportunity to inform
everyone that in all
probability we expect to win
the contract.
We probably will
win the contract.

11. Quick
Check
Revise the following sentences to achieve
conciseness.
Two contracts are
also attached.
In addition to the above,
there are contracts that are
attached hereto.
Despite the fact that most
information is posted on the
company intranet, please
feel free to call whenever
necessary.
Although most
information is posted
on the company
intranet, please call
whenever necessary.

12. Remove Redundant Words
advance warning
close proximity
exactly identical
filled to capacity
final outcome
necessary requisite
new beginning
past history
refer back
serious danger
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What
words could be omitted in these expressions?

13. Remove Redundant Words
advance warning
close proximity
exactly identical
filled to capacity
final outcome
necessary requisite
new beginning
past history
refer back
serious danger
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What
words could be omitted in these expressions?

14. Dump Outdated Expressions
Trite and Outdated
as per your request
pursuant to your request
attached hereto
under separate cover
Modern
at your request
at your request
attached
separately

15. Jargon
Computer Jargon
queue
export
bandwidth
Alternative
list of documents waiting
to be printed
transfer data from one
program to another
Internet capacity
Avoid technical terms and special terminology
that readers would not recognize.
Is jargon ever permissible?

16. Slang
to “bag on”
clueless
turkey
chill/chill out
to tease, to nag, or to
complain
unaware, naïve
someone stupid or silly
relax
Avoid slang (informal expressions with
arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).

17. Clichés
Avoid clichés (overused expressions).
Substitute more precise words.
Instead of this
Last but not least, you
should keep your nose
to the grindstone.
We had reached the
end of our rope.
Try this
Finally, you should
work diligently.
We could go no
further.

18. Quick
Check
Finally, the attorney
referred to an
identical case.
Last but not least, the
attorney referred back to an
exactly identical case.
With a little advance
warning, we could have sold
out before our stocks tanked.
With warning, we
could have sold out
before our stocks hit
bottom.
Revise the following sentences to avoid
redundancies, trite business expressions,
jargon, and slang.

19. Ms. Miller, who is
straightforward,
demanded
completion by
January 1.
Ms. Miller, who shoots
straight from the shoulder,
demanded final completion
by January 1.
Revise the following sentences to avoid
redundancies, trite business expressions,
jargon, and slang.
As you requested, a
check for $150 is
enclosed.
Pursuant to your request,
enclosed please find a check
for $150.

20. Buried Verbs
Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns.
Look for words ending in
tion or ment. Could they
be more efficiently and
forcefully converted to verbs?
Tip

21. Instead of this
The manager came to
the realization that
telecommuting made
sense.
A job seeker must
make application
before May 1.
Try this
The manager
realized that
telecommuting
made sense.
A job seeker must
apply before
May 1.
Using Precise Verbs?

22. Instead of this
Once we have the
establishment of a
Web site, our
business will grow.
Please give serious
consideration to a
company intranet.
Try this
Once we
establish a Web
site, our business
will grow.
Please seriously
consider a
company intranet.
Buried Verbs

23. Control Exuberance
To sound credible, don’t overuse intensifiers such as
very, definitely, quite, completely, extremely, really,
actually, and totally
Excessive
The manager is actually
quite pleased with your
proposal because the
plan is definitely
workable.
Businesslike
The manager is
pleased with your
proposal because
the plan is workable.

24. Precise Words
Revise your writing to include precise words. Strive
for specific verbs, concrete nouns, and vivid
adjectives. Beware of unclear pronouns.
Unclear
The man asked
for a raise.
An employee
presented a
proposal.
More Precise
Jeff Jones asked for a 10
percent salary increase.
Kelly Keeler, production
manager, presented a plan
to stagger hours.

25. Precise Words
Revise your writing to include descriptive,
dynamic adjectives instead of overworked,
all-purpose ones.
Instead of this
They thought her
report was good.
She said she would
get in touch.
Try this
The management council
thought Erin’s report was
factual and well written.
Sheila said she would
send you an e-mail.

26. Quick
Check
The seller promised
to e-mail (telephone
or fax) you.
The seller said he definitely
would contact you.
We must give
encouragement to our team.
We must encourage
our team.
In the following sentences, unbury verbs and
control exuberance.

27. Moviegoers prefer
buttered popcorn.
Moviegoers actually show a
total preference for buttered
popcorn.
Please assess the
home’s value.
Please make an assessment
of the home’s value.
Ann suggested that
we hire Lee.
Ann made a suggestion that
we hire Lee.
In the following sentences, unbury verbs and
control exuberance.

28. Chapter 4, Slide 28Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Designing Documents for
Readability
Employ white space.
 Headings
 Short paragraphs
 Ragged-right margins

29. Chapter 4, Slide 29Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Choose appropriate typefaces.
Serif typefaces have small features at ends
of strokes. Useful for body text.
Times New Roman
Century
Georgia
Garamond
Designing Documents for
Readability

30. Chapter 4, Slide 30Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Choose appropriate typefaces.
Sans serif typefaces are cleaner without
features. Useful for headings, signs, and
noncontinuous reading material.
Arial
Tahoma
Verdana
Calibri
Designing Documents for
Readability

31. Chapter 4, Slide 31Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Designing Documents for
Readability
Use bulleted and numbered lists.
 Break up complex information into smaller
chunks.
 Use numbered lists for sequences.
 Use bulleted lists for items that don’t
require a certain order.

32. Chapter 4, Slide 32Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Instead of this
To clean the printer, you
should do the following.
First, you should
disconnect the power
cord. Then you open the
front cover, and the
printer area should be
cleaned with a soft cloth.
Try this
To clean the printer, do
the following:
1. Disconnect the power
cord.
2. Open the front cover.
3. Clean the printer with
a soft cloth.
Designing Documents for
Readability
Use a numbered list for instructions.

33. Chapter 4, Slide 33Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Instead of this
On April 3 we will be in
Toledo, and the speaker
is Troy Lee. On May 20
we will be in Detroit, and
the speaker is Sue Wu.
Try this
Date City Speaker
April 3 Toledo Troy Lee
May 20 Detroit Sue Wu
Designing Documents for
Readability
Organize information with column headings.

34. Chapter 4, Slide 34Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Instead of this
Our team constantly tries
to achieve our goals,
customer service must be
improved, and our
production targets must
be met.
Try this
Our team constantly tries
to (a) achieve our goals,
(b) improve customer
service, and (c) hit our
production targets.
Designing Documents for
Readability
Use letters to list items within sentences.
Strive for parallelism.

35. Chapter 4, Slide 35Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Instead of this
The next topic is
vacations. A new vacation
schedule will be available
on May 1.
To assist employees, we
will begin a flex schedule
in the fall.
Try this
Vacations. A new vacation
schedule will be available
on May 1.
Flextime. To assist
employees, we will begin a
flex schedule in the fall.
Designing Documents for
Readability
Use paragraph headings to improve
organization and readability.

36. Chapter 1, Slide 36Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 36Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Quick
Check
The next training session
will demonstrate
• Creating podcasts
• Sharing multiple
programs
• Maintaining an Internet
directory.
In the next training
session, the trainer will
demonstrate how to
create podcasts, how to
share multiple
programs, and how to
maintain an Internet
directory.
Arrange the following in a concise, bulleted
vertical list.

37. Chapter 1, Slide 37Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 37Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Quick
Check
You can prepare for
interviews by doing the
following:
• Study the job description.
• Itemize your most
strategic skills and
qualifications.
• Practice giving responses
in a mock interview.
In preparing for an employment
interview, you should begin by
studying the job description.
Itemizing your most strategic
skills and qualifications is also
important. Giving responses in
a mock interview is another
good practice technique. Last,
you should be prepared to ask
relevant questions.
Improve the readability of the following
instructions that will become part of a
student’s employment booklet.

38. What to Watch for
in Proofreading
• Spelling
• Grammar
• Punctuation
• Names and numbers
• Format
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39. Proofreading Marks

41. How to Proofread
Complex Documents
• Allow adequate time.
• Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
• Be prepared to find errors.
• Read once for meaning and once for
grammar/mechanics.
• Reduce your reading speed.

42. Chapter 4, Slide 42Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
For documents that must be perfect:
 Have someone read aloud the original
while someone else checks the printout.
 Spell names.
 Spell difficult words.
 Note capitalization.
 Note punctuation.
How to Proofread
Complex Documents