This link is for any who would like access to the materials developed weekly for grief over the last year.

1. Grief, Loss and
Transformation

3. OUT OF GREAT NEED
Out
Of a great need
We are all holding hands
And climbing.
Not loving is a letting go.
Listen,
The terrain around here
Is
Far too
Dangerous
For
That.
- Hafiz
The Vintage Artist
The
Difference
Between a good artist
And a great one is
The good artist
Will often lay down their tool
or brush
Then pick up an invisible club
on the mind’s table
and helplessly smash
the easels and
jade.
Whereas the great artist
No longer hurts themself or anyone
And keeps on
Sculpting
Light.
- Hafiz

10. I have come to know that it
[death] is an important
thing to keep in mind - not
to complain or to make
melancholy, but simply
because only with the
honest knowledge that one
day I will die can I ever
truly begin to live.
--R.A. Salvatore

19. Ring the bells that
still can ring, forget
your perfect offering.
There is a crack, a
crack in everything,
that’s how the light
gets in.
L. Cohen

23. “Unless there is some time for being
together psychologically -
emotionally and cognitively - the
psychological family may disappear.
Without time for talking, laughing,
arguing, sharing stories, and showing
affection, we are just a collection of
people who share the same
refrigerator.”
― Pauline Boss
Ambiguous loss makes us feel incompetent.
It erodes our sense of (capability) and
destroys our belief in the world as a fair,
orderly, and manageable place. But if we
learn to cope with uncertainty, we must
realize that there are differing views of the
world, even when that world is less
challenged by ambiguity
― Pauline Boss

29. I have come to know that it
[death] is an important
thing to keep in mind - not
to complain or to make
melancholy, but simply
because only with the
honest knowledge that one
day I will die can I ever
truly begin to live.
--R.A. Salvatore

30. "A friendship can weather most
things and thrive in thin soil;
but it needs a little mulch of
letters and phone calls and
small, silly presents every so
often - just to save it from
drying out completely."
- Pam Brown

36. “Unless there is some time for being
together psychologically -
emotionally and cognitively - the
psychological family may disappear.
Without time for talking, laughing,
arguing, sharing stories, and showing
affection, we are just a collection of
people who share the same
refrigerator.”
― Pauline Boss
Ambiguous loss makes us feel incompetent.
It erodes our sense of (capability) and
destroys our belief in the world as a fair,
orderly, and manageable place. But if we
learn to cope with uncertainty, we must
realize that there are differing views of the
world, even when that world is less
challenged by ambiguity
― Pauline Boss

44. Video – How to Help a Grieving Friend,
Megan Devine
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2zLCCRT-nE

50. Struggle is the Path
He saw that all the struggles of life
were incessant, laborious, painful,
that nothing was done quickly,
without labor,
that it had to undergo a thousands of simple changes,
revisitings ,moldings, addings , removings ,
graftings, tearings,
correctings, smoothings,
rebuildings, reconsiderings,
nailings, tackings,
chippings, hammerings,
hoistings, correctings,
all the poor fumbling uncertain incompletions
of human endeavor.
They went on forever
and were forever incomplete,
far from perfect, refined or smooth ,
full of terrible memories of failure and fears of failure ,
yet,
in the way of things ,
somehow noble,
complete,
and shining in the end .
Jack Kerouac.

51. Every challenge provides an opportunity to
deepen, connect and growth

53. Turning Stress to Power w/ The 3 C’s
C
C
C
Self-Compassion: Understanding and kindness towards
yourself. Willingness to challenge your self and to accept your
needs. Tenderness with your vulnerability and setting limits
Self-Care: Taking actions to care for your needs. Eating,
resting, exercise, meaning and spirituality, setting limits,
recovery time and active relaxation practices.
Connection: Stress makes us want to isolate and often makes
us feel alone. Reaching out for support is a skill that gives us
the chance to heal.
Compassion
Care
Connection

57. Disenfranchised
Grief
• The Relationship Is Not Recognized
• The Loss Is Not Recognized
• Loss that’s considered ‘less
significant’
• Loss surrounded by stigma
• Exclusion from mourning
• The Griever Is Not Recognized
• Grief that doesn’t align with social
norms

58. How Disenfranchised Grief Feels
insomnia substance misuse anxiety
Depression
physical symptoms,
like muscle tension,
unexplained pain,
or stomach distress
diminished self-
esteem
shame
doubt and guilt
around your
“inappropriate”
reaction
increased difficulty
working through
distress
difficulty coping
with future losses
Along with typical feelings associated with grief, such as sadness, anger, guilt, and emotional numbness,
disenfranchised grief can contribute to:

91. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcqvpsdM6Zo

99. Don’t Wait
This idea can both frighten and inspire
us. Yet, embracing the truth of life’s
precariousness helps us to appreciate
its preciousness. We stop wasting our
lives on meaningless activities. We
learn to not hold our opinions, our
desires, and even our own identities so
tightly. Instead of pinning our hopes on
a better future, we focus on the
present and being grateful for what we
have in front of us right now. We say, “I
love you” more often. We become
kinder, more compassionate and more
forgiving.

100. Welcome Everything;
Push Away Nothing
• In welcoming everything, we don't have to like what's arising
or necessarily agree with it, but we need to be willing to
meet it, to learn from it. The word welcome confronts us; it
asks us to temporarily suspend our usual rush to judgment
and to be open, to what is showing up at our front door. To
receive it in the spirit of hospitality.
• A friend of Frank Ostieski and a renowned psychiatrist
named Sidney who had Altzhimer’s was once invited him for
dinner.
• When his friend arrived, she rang the doorbell, and Sidney
opened the door. At first, he had a look of confusion. He
quickly recovered and said, “I’m sorry. I have trouble
remembering faces these days. But I do know that our home
always has been a place where guests are welcome. If you
are here on my doorstep, then it is my job to welcome you.
Please come in.”

101. Bring Your Whole Self to
the Experience
• We all like to look good. We long to be seen as
capable, strong, intelligent, sensitive, spiritual, or at
least well-adjusted. Few of us want to be known for
our helplessness, fear, anger, or ignorance.
• Yet more than once I have found an “undesirable”
aspect of myself—one about which I previously had
felt ashamed—to be the very quality that allowed me
to meet another person’s suffering with compassion
instead of fear or pity. It is not only our expertise, but
exploration of our own suffering that enables us to
build an empathetic bridge and be of real assistance
to others.
• To be whole, we need to include and connect all
parts of ourselves. Wholeness does not mean
perfection. It means no part left out.

102. Find a Place of Rest in the
Middle of Things
• We often think of rest as something that will come to us when everything
else in our lives is complete: At the end of the day, when we take a bath;
once we go on holiday or get through all our to-do lists. We imagine that
we can only find rest by changing our circumstances.
• There is a Zen story about a monk who is vigorously sweeping the temple
grounds. Another monk walks by and snips, “Too busy.”
• The first monk replies, “You should know there is one who is not too busy.”
• The moral of the story is that while the sweeping monk may have
outwardly appeared to the casual observer as “too busy,” actively
performing his daily monastic duties, inwardly he was not busy.
• He could recognize the quietness of his state of mind, the part of himself
that was at rest in the middle of things.

103. Cultivate “Don’t
Know” Mind
• This describes a mind that's open and
receptive. It is not limited by agendas,
roles, and expectations. It is free to
discover. When we are filled with
knowing, when our mind is made up, it
narrows our vision and limits our
capacity to act. We only see what our
knowing allows us to see. We don’t
abandon our knowledge - it’s always
there in the background should we need
it – but we let go of fixed ideas. We let go
of control.

104. Cultivate Cultivate “Don't Know” Mind.
Find
Rest
Find a Place of Rest in the Middle of Things. ...
Bring Bring Your Whole Self to the Experience. ...
Welcome Welcome Everything; Push Away Nothing. ...
Don't Wait Don't Wait. ...
Five Invitations – What dying can
teach us about living.

106. Cultivate Cultivate “Don't Know” Mind.
Find
Rest
Find a Place of Rest in the Middle of Things. ...
Bring Bring Your Whole Self to the Experience. ...
Welcome Welcome Everything; Push Away Nothing. ...
Don't Wait Don't Wait. ...
Five Invitations – What loss can
teach us about living.

116. Acknowledgement
1. Acknowledgment is not the same
as praise or compliments;
2. You must acknowledge people for
skills and behaviors that are
meaningful important to them and
others; and
3. Acknowledgment must be sincere
and specific

118. Grief Puts Us
Beyond the
Stretch Zone
Grief Pushes
Us to…
a) Regulate,
b) Integrate,
c) Grow

132. Emotional Systems Check In: 1) Which system are you in today, 2) Which system were you in this week? 3) Which system
makes Grief the most Challenging (Hunger to Full, Compulsion to Centered and Self-Negating to Self-Compassion)

133. Supporting our Emotional Needs Systems
Helping Ourselves Through Difficult Times
Emotionally Cared For
Emotionally Driven
When we are depleted in an
emotional need we can become
driven and it can feel like compulsion.
When we feel cared for emotionally
and the needs of a system is filled we
are more centered and even the pain
we have can be held more tenderly.
VS
75%
25%
80%
50%
Hunger to Fullness
Compulsion to Centered
Self-Aggression to Self-Compassion
25%
75%
20%
75%

137. Being an Emotional Self Coach
Hunger, Fullness or Exhaustion
(What I Need, What I Want, What I
long for)
From Urges to Self-Love Self-Talk & Actions that Nourish

140. Remember to be kinder to yourself
than you think you deserve.
You are powerful and worthy just as you are.