Applications of Assertiveness

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Applications of Assertiveness
Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
ASSERTIVENESS

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
ARE YOU READY?
OK, LET’S START!

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
INTRODUCTION
Many of us find that we do not perform as well as we would
like in certain social situations. We may feel shy at being
praised; angry at being criticised; guilty at having to say "No"
to someone; embarrassed at admitting mistakes; or scared
to stand up and say what we really think. But these don't
have to be our ways of responding. We can, by using a
range of assertiveness techniques, handle any of these
situations and come out of them feeling good about
ourselves.

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
EVERYDAY ASSERTIVENESS
Assertiveness has its most valuable role to play in
interpersonal communications. A lot of the misery felt by
people at work, at home and in their social lives occurs
because people mis-judge, misunderstand and mis-
communicate. To turn faulty and flawed relationships into
ones you feel good about requires the application of
assertive techniques.
The following are examples of everyday situations which
offer the opportunity to use assertiveness...
1. handling compliments from others
2. handling criticism from others
3. saying "No" without feeling guilty
4. overcoming shyness
5. admitting you've made a mistake
6. disarming people when they're angry
7. getting in touch with what we think and feel.

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
HANDLING PRAISE
It is natural to feel pleased when we are paid a compliment
from people we care about but we should always remember
that they are only the views of others and that such views
can always change.
To handle compliments assertively, keep in mind these
points...
1. watch for signs of praise-addiction. Praise is nice but it
should not be necessary for our own self-esteem.
2. thank people simply. Don't dismiss it when someone
offers you praise, however sincerely you believe it was
meant.
3. use the technique of positive assertion and positive
enquiry to find out what other people liked, so you can
do more of it.

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
KILLING COMPLIMENTS
These are four ways to kill a compliment.
1. Let someone else take the credit
Them: "That was a good presentation."
You: "Oh, it was nothing. Julie did most of the work.“
2. Refuse it
Them: "You were outstanding."
You: "Who me? Come off it! You don't mean it...“
3. Divert attention from the compliment out of
embarrassment
Them: "I like your hair..."
You: "Your hair's nicer...“
4. Tell them they're wrong
Them: "I like your suit."
You: "What! This old thing. It's a rag."

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
POSITIVE ENQUIRY
Positive enquiry and positive assertion are simple
techniques for handling praise and compliments.
Positive enquiry asks the compliment-payer for more details
about what they liked.
Them: "I really like your hair today."
You: "Thanks. What is it about my hair that you like?"
Positive assertion takes all or part of the compliment and
agrees with it.
Them: "I really thought the presentation went well."
You: "Thanks. Yes, the presentation did go well, didn't it.“
This way of dealing with compliments and praise has an
equivalent negative version when handling criticism
assertively.

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
HANDLING CRITICISM
Criticism can hurt when it is expressed insensitively: "...I've
only one criticism to make" or unskilfully: "...that was
rubbish!"; or comes from people whose admiration we
crave. When we are harshly criticised, it is tempting to
either hit back at the critic or find someone else to blame. If
we do neither of these, we may end up blaming ourselves
and feeling bad.
The assertive response to criticism is to...
1. get it straight in your head that this is only someone
else's opinion. You can't make people like you.
2. take a wider view. Ask yourself how things will look in a
month's time.
3. go to "the gallery". This is a place off-stage where you
can consider what was said dispassionately.
4. try to swallow your pride and learn something from the
criticism. You can do this by using the technique of
negative enquiry and assertion.

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
NEGATIVE ENQUIRY
Negative enquiry and negative assertion are simple
techniques for responding to criticism and judgment.
Negative enquiry replies to the critic by asking for more
details about what they didn't like.
Them: "Well, I've seen better presentations by monkeys."
You: "Exactly what didn't you like about it?"
Negative assertion takes all or part of the criticism and
agrees with it.
Them: "The slide show was dreadful."
You: "Yes. That was the most difficult part of the
presentation."
This way of dealing with criticism and judgment has an
equivalent positive version when handling compliments and
praise assertively.

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
SAYING NO WITHOUT GUILT
We all find ourselves occasionally in situations where we say
"Yes" to others when we really want to say "No": the boss
who uses the willing workhorse; the mother-in-law who
invites herself to stay; the friend who insists on buying you
another round.
You may think you are being "nice" by going along with their
request but the chances are they won't see it that way and
will simply impose on you again. You have exposed your
weakness for them to exploit.
Reacting angrily to what you might see as an unreasonable
request is equally inappropriate. It may result in you being
seen as hostile. In the workplace an angry refusal to do a
piece of work may brand you as being un-cooperative.
The only viable solution that does not upset others or make
you feel bad is the assertive one.

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
ASSERTIVE NO'S
The following are some tips on how to give firm and
assertive "No's" when others make demands which we want
to turn down.
1. Check any contractual obligations you may have, such as a
duty to work occasional overtime. Only say "No" if you are
not obliged to comply.
2. Make up your mind to say "No".
3. Think through your fears about their possible reactions.
Be rational about them.
4. Be determined to use a clear assertive style: no ifs and
buts, no excuses, no apologising.
5. Thank the person for considering you for the request; say
you are flattered and honoured.
6. Don't feel you have to find solutions to their problem;
don't dwell on it afterwards or feel responsible for their
problem.
7. If all else fails, tell them you're learning to become
assertive and want to practise saying "No"!

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
DON'T APOLOGISE...
The best way to say "No" to requests you don't want to
meet is to be decisive, make it clear what you're saying and
leave no door open for them to sneak back in. Make it clear
that the issue is not up for debate.
The following is an e: mail sent by a manager who had been
pressured to join a project which she didn't want to do...
"I'd like you to know that I'm honoured that you should
have thought about asking me to do this job and under
other circumstances I would have loved to be able to say
"Yes". It sounds like an interesting project. I'd like you to
know that it was kind of you to have considered me. Please
let me know how things progress. I'm sure it will be an
outstanding success."

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
SOCIAL POISE
Overcoming shyness and acquiring poise requires an
assertive way of thinking together with the techniques of
social manners.
To learn the art of social poise,...
1. Make the first moves when you are in new
surroundings; don't wait for others.
2. Look relaxed and if you're not, make out you are.
3. Prepare by finding out who the guests are, what topics
are likely to be of interest...Then forget everything while
you focus on them.
4. Stay in low key, don't hog the conversation.
5. If you are being introduced to people who are on an
equal social footing to you, mention what you have in
common.
6. If you are being introduced to someone of a higher
social status, stay neutral.
7. Get genuinely interested in others whoever they are.
8. Learn the tactic of freeing yourself from one person and
joining another without causing upset.

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
ADMITTING YOU'RE WRONG
It is fear of the consequences of "owning up" that leads
many unassertive people to hesitate about admitting
mistakes.
Some of the irrational self-talk that takes place in the
unassertive person is: "I must be perfect at all times" or "If I
admit my mistakes, I'll lose my chance of promotion" or
"They won't like me anymore" or "I'll look bad in their eyes“.
To assertively admit a mistake...
1. remind yourself of your right not to be perfect
2. own up as quickly and as simply as possible
3. apologise if the mistake has caused anyone any
problems; if not, still apologise out of courtesy.
4. apologise once and leave it at that.
5. ask others for help to solve the problem
6. share the responsibility for putting things right.

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
DISARMING ANGER
Anger is the way people respond to situations in which they
feel they have been threatened. Anger can be how a
customer feels when they're not being heard or a partner
feels when they believe they're doing an unfair portion of
the household chores.
It can be slow and seething or sudden and violent. The
instinctive reaction to anger is either to become angry in
return or to escape it through denial and avoidance.
1. Attack: attack responses invariably make a bad situation
worse. They raise the emotional level further, confuse
communication and may send a relationship into
disastrous freefall from which it may not recover.
2. Escape: running away from someone's anger outburst
can have value if it is a short-term tactical manoeuvre,
but if it is the only response, it simply leaves a problem
unresolved.

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
DEFUSING ANGER
These are the six steps to calming an angry person down...
1. Recognize and acknowledge that they're angry by
reflecting back just how bad they feel.
"I can see that this situation has really upset you.“
2. State that you want to resolve things together.
"I'm sure we can work this out.“
3. Calm them down before you do anything.
"Let's take a break for a cuppa first.“
4. Empathize by seeing things from their point of view.
"This must have seemed like the last straw.“
5. Admit to any mistakes or misunderstandings you might
have caused.
"You're right. Maybe we could have handled it better."
6. When you've established some common ground, look for
solutions together.

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
GETTING IN TOUCH
The aggressive and passive points of view see the world as
hostile and competitive. Other people are there to be
beaten or to beat us.
The consequences of this view of the world is that we
continually compare ourselves to others. In the aggressive
stance, we seek to prove that we are better than others or,
in the submissive mode, that they are better than us.
The result is that we devalue our thoughts and feelings,
believing that what others think or feel is more, or less,
important than what we think or feel. We often make
decisions about others according to their rank, status or
position.
The assertive person makes no such value judgments. He or
she gets in touch with their own point of view and expresses
it openly and honestly.

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
SELF-ESTEEM
We are all children of the universe, born equal and with the
same assertive rights. Our self-esteem does not change
because of who we are with or because of what we do. We
each have the assertive right to get in touch with our own
views and opinions and express them.
1. don't be overawed by others, no matter how loud they
are, or what position in life they hold.
2. see yourself and others as being worthy in your own
right, not because of what you do.
3. surround yourself with people who value you for who
you are.
4. find a way to tune in to your own views. Don't feel you
have to have a special, witty, clever, novel or trendy
view. No view is also a view.
5. practice articulating both positive feelings and negative
feelings.
6. find out which forms of expression you are best at.

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
EXPRESSING FEELINGS
When we express positive feelings assertively, we need to
combine simplicity and sincerity.
"I liked the way you handled that situation."
"You look nice tonight."
"I love you.“
When we express negative feelings assertively, we need to
combine simplicity and courage.
"I don't agree with you."
"I'm not happy about the work done on my car."
"I'm furious you didn't call me.“
These expressions have more impact because they are not
watered down by openers such as "I'm sorry but..." or "I
hope you don't mind me saying, but...". The impact is even
greater if the tone of voice is clear and unemotional.

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
THAT’S
IT!
WELL DONE!

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
THANK YOU
This has been a Slide Topic from Manage Train Learn
Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics

Applications of Assertiveness

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