Emotional abuse involves controlling another person by using emotions to Criticize , Embarrass ,Shame ,Blame or Manipulate . To be abusive there must be a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviours that Wear down a person’s Self-esteem and Undermine Their mental health. Most common in married relationships, Mental or emotional abuse can occur in any relationship—including among Friends Family members and Co-workers

1. Emotional Abuse
Ref- Sherri Gordon ,November 07, 2022,Psychology Today
Compiled by Col Mukteshwar Prasad(Retd),
MTech(IITD),CE(I),FIE(I),FIETE,FISLE,FInstOD,AMCSI
Contact -9007224278, e-mail – muktesh_prasad@yahoo.co.in
for book ”Decoding Services Selection Board” and SSB ON line guidance and training
at Shivnandani Edu and Defence Academy

2. Story 1
 Lakhit was unfortunate that his mother died just 3 days after birth. His father being an IIT graduate and high Govt
official had no option but to send newly born son to his Bhabhi (Wife of his elder step brother). Unfortunately she had
her two sons and a daughter to be looked after. All three children were quite elder to him ,with sister at least 8 years elder.
Well she did best as primary care giver and young Lakhit also had motherly feeling towards her. He would not even allow
his elder sister to come near her. She nurtured him till he was 6 years old . Lakhit’s elder brother (born in London) was left
with Nana Nani in Bihar as the Family wanted to come back to India.
 His Father in between re married within one year of tragedy. They had a daughter from second marriage . Lakhit came back
to his Father at the age of 6 years and had to live with 1 ½ years old step sister. For caring his Father had brought his
younger Sister who looked after Lakhit . In reality except for basic needs he was dependant on his Bua(Father Sister) and
still regarded his aunty(First Caregiver) as his mother. A box belonging to his aunty was kept to remind him that she has
gone out for sometime and will be back .
 Found difficulty in adjusting to school for being talkative, disturbing and slow in uptake. It is presumed that he came to
know about full episode when he was in 8th but officially he was informed about whole story when he was in 10th. Naturally
he reacted for keeping him in dark till date and ultimately wanted to join Air Force to become martyr for the nation. By luck
or design he joined Navy through NDA, which was certainly a great achievement. But the lack/absence of caregiver as a
child would and had its own impact
 Two brothers met only during vacations
 Primary caregiver relationship
 (Parents were unavailable during infancy. Hence needs were never regularly met . Distanced himself emotionally .
This built a foundation of avoiding intimacy and craving independence in later life—even when in that
independence lack of intimacy caused its own distress.)

3. Story 1…Part 2
 Lakhit’s elder brother after doing his CA and after his marriage went on to UK as he was born in London. Lakhit never
wanted to be married ,but under pressure from parent’s got married Subhashit ,only daughter of their parents. She was
nurtured well with all positive quality of a girl. She herself was very choosy and wanted to get married to a Naval Officer
only. Parent's did not know about step mother earlier and came to know just few days before marriage. Her mother had
some premonition and wanted to avoid even in last moment. A grand marriage ,probably one of the best.
 Newly wed hardly stayed with in laws as their house was one bed room house. Besides mother in law started showing
colour and stated traumatising slowly. Sister had gone to US for higher study . Lakhit also stated emotional abuse. In this
father in law ,mother in law ,elder brother and even Sister started Criticizing, Embarrassing , Shaming and blaming her. She
was isolated and was not involved in any decisions and even talks but expected her to look after them at all cost. One fine
Subhashit’s father was informed that Lakhit be remarried as she did not have any child. She had abortion earlier and due to
lack of medical help her fallopian tubes were blocked. She tried IVF which was not successful and in turn due to tube
pregnancy one tube had to be removed. As a result pregnancy was rather impossible . Yet God’s grace She was blessed
with a daughter. In between her Father in law expired while undergoing operation . Lakhit and his step mother blamed
Subhashit for ills and left no opportunity to blame and shame. Abuse in all forms continues till date . God can only help
her . She has become strong now and has started asserting and undertaking responsibilities to the extent possible and has
started calling a spade a spade. But the price paid is much higher .World is a continuous school and we keep learning
lessons. Her Parents are dying a death everyday and blaming themselves for all ills.

4. Introduction- Emotional Abuse
 Emotional abuse involves controlling another person by using emotions to
 Criticize
 Embarrass
 Shame
 Blame or
 Manipulate
 To be abusive there must be a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviours
that
 Wear down a person’s Self-esteem and
 Undermine their mental health
 Most common in married relationships,
 Mental or emotional abuse can occur in any relationship—including among
 Friends
 Family members and
 Co-workers

5. Signs of Emotional Abuse
 E motional abuse is often subtle and can be extremely hard to detect the signs
 Relationship may be emotionally abusive If one feels
 Wounded
 Frustrated
 Confused
 Misunderstood
 Depressed
 Anxious or
 Worthless
 Do not be trapped to think "it's not that bad" and can minimize the other
person's behaviour
 Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, including you. Realizing this
can help you stop the emotional abuse cycle.

6. Signs of Emotional Abuse
 1.Unrealistic expectations as under on any person like :
 Making unreasonable demands
 Expecting you to put everything aside and meet their needs
 Demanding to spend all your time together
 Being dissatisfied(No matter how hard you try or how much you give)
 Criticizing you for not completing tasks according to their standards
 Expecting you to share their opinions and not yours different opinion
 Demanding exact dates and times when event upsetting occurred happened
 2.​Invalidates You - examples may include:
 Undermining/dismissing/distorting your perceptions or your reality
 Refusing to accept your feelings by trying to define how you should feel
 Requiring you to explain how you feel over and over
 Accusing you of being "too sensitive," "too emotional," or "crazy"
 Refusing to acknowledge or accept your opinions or ideas as valid
 Dismissing your requests, wants, and needs as ridiculous or unmerited

7. Signs of Emotional Abuse ….
 2.​Invalidates You - examples may include: …..
 Suggesting that your perceptions are wrong or not trustworthy like
 "you're blowing this out of proportion" or
 "you exaggerate"
 Accusing you of being selfish, needy, or materialistic if you express your wants or needs
 3.Creates Chaos like :
 Starting arguments for the sake of arguing
 Making confusing and contradictory statements (sometimes called "crazy-making")
 Having drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts
 Nitpicking at your clothes, hair, work, and more
 Behaving erratically and unpredictably that you feel like you are "walking on eggshells"
 4.Uses Emotional Blackmail like:
 Manipulating and controlling you by making you feel guilty
 Humiliating you in public or in private

8. Signs of Emotional Abuse ….
 4.Uses Emotional Blackmail like:….
 Control you or situation using your
 Fears
 Values
 Compassion or
 Other hot buttons
 Exaggerating your flaws /pointing out for their own poor choices or mistakes to
 Deflect attention or
 Avoid taking responsibility
 Denying that an event took place or lying about it
 Punishing you by withholding affection or giving you the silent treatment
 5. Acts Superior and entitled like
 Treating you like you are inferior
 Blaming you for their mistakes and shortcomings
 Doubting everything you say and attempting to prove you wrong

9. Signs of Emotional Abuse ….
 5. Acts Superior and entitled like …..
 Making jokes at your expense
 Telling you that your opinions, ideas, values, and thoughts are stupid, illogical, or "do not make
sense"
 Talking down to you or being condescending
 Using sarcasm when interacting with you
 Acting like they are always right, know what is best, and are smarter than you
 6.Attempts to Controls and Isolates You like:
 Controlling who you see or spend time with, including friends and family
 Monitoring you digitally, including text messages, social media, and email
 Accusing you of cheating and being jealous of outside relationships
 Taking or hiding your valuables
 Demanding to know where you are and tracking your every move
 Treating you like a possession or property

10. Signs of Emotional Abuse ….
 6.Attempts to Controls and Isolates You like:……
 Criticizing or making fun of your friends, family, and co-workers
 Using jealousy and envy as a sign of love and to keep you from being with others
 Coercing you into spending all your time together
 Controlling the finances

11. Types of Emotional Abuse
 Emotional abuse can take several different forms, including:
 Accusations of cheating or other signs of jealousy and possessiveness
 Constant checking on or attempting to control the other person's behaviour
 Constantly arguing or opposing
 Criticizing
 Gaslighting
 Isolating the individual from their family and friends
 Name-calling and verbal abuse
 Refusing to participate in the relationship
 Shaming or blaming
 Silent treatment
 Trivializing the other person's concerns
 Withholding affection and attention
 These may be employed later in relationship and slowly later to avoid being noticed

12. Impact of Emotional Abuse
 Conflict is a normal part of a relationship but being bullied, disrespected, belittled, insulted, or
dismissed are signs of crossing the line into emotional abuse.
 Consequences of emotional abuse are as severe as those of physical abuse except
 Wounds are invisible to others—hidden in the self-doubt, worthlessness, and self-loathing
which one feels as against physical marks and bruises.
 Severe and ongoing abuse leads to loss of entire sense of self.
 Over time, the accusations, verbal abuse, name-calling, criticisms, and gaslighting can
erode so much sense of self that one can no longer see himself/herself realistically.
 Consequently, one may begin to agree with the abuser and become internally critical.
Trapped in the abusive relationship he/she believes they will never be good enough for
anyone
They may pull back from relationship and isolate themselves , convinced that no one
likes them
Impact relationship

13. Impact of Emotional Abuse….
 Can cause a number of health problems.
Mental health effects of abuse include
Depression,
Anxiety, and
Even Eating disorder.
Physical impact may causing
Stomach ulcers,
Heart palpitations, and
Insomnia.

14. Tips for Dealing With Emotional Abuse
 The first step is to recognize the abuse and acknowledge that first
 By being honest about what you are experiencing
 Begin to taking control of your life again
 Make Yourself a Priority i.e. Self Care (Mental and physical health, Rest &Meals)
Stop worrying about pleasing the person abusing you.
Take care of your needs.
Do something that will help you think positively and affirm who you are.
 Establish Boundaries -Firmly tell the abusive person that they may no longer
Yell at you,
Call you names,
Insult you,
Be rude to you etc.
Tell them your reaction if they choose to engage in this behaviour.
 The key is to follow through on your boundaries which reinforces to the other person that their
emotional abuse will not be tolerated.

15. Tips for Dealing With Emotional Abuse…
 Stop Blaming Yourself for something you have no control over.
 Realize You Can't Fix Them - you will never be able to change an emotionally abusive person by doing
something different or by being different.
 An abusive person makes a choice to behave abusively.
 The only thing you can control is your response to emotional abuse.
 Avoid Engaging
 No explanations/soothing their feelings/apologies for things you did not do.
 Simply walk away from the situation if you can
 Build a Support Network
 Speaking up to a trusted friend, family member, or even a counsellor about what you are
experiencing may help
 Take time away from the abusive person if possible and spend time with people who love and
support you.
 Will help you feel less lonely and isolated
 They may put things into perspective.

16. Tips for Dealing With Emotional Abuse…
 Work on an Exit Plan
 Depending on your situation one may need to take steps to end the relationship.
 Emotional abuse can have serious long-term effects, but it can also be a precursor to physical abuse and
violence
 Remember too that abuse often escalates when the person being abused makes a decision to leave.
 So, be sure you have a safety plan in place should the abuse get worse.
 What Doesn't Work With Emotional Abuse
 Arguing with the abuser- Argument can escalate the problem and may result in violence.
 Trying to understand or make excuses for the abuser-Finding ways to sympathize with or
minimize an abuser's actions can make leaving the situation more difficult.
 Attempting to appease the abuser- Focus on establishing clear boundaries and avoid engaging with
them if possible rather than appeasing
 Healing from emotional abuse takes time.
 Taking care of yourself, reaching out to your supportive loved ones, and talking to a therapist
can help.