Queen of Peace Parent Evening - Behaviour Support

1. Brain break – which way is the bus
going?
Behaviour Matters 2017 1

2. 2017
A parent evening with David Vinegrad – Behaviour Matters

3. Who said this?
“Our youth now love luxury. They have bad
manners, contempt for authority; they show
disrespect for their elders and love chatter in
place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders
enter the room; they contradict their parents,
chatter before company; gobble up their food and
tyrannize their teachers.”
Behaviour Matters 2017 3

4. Patience…….is what parents have
when there are witnesses
Behaviour Matters 2017 4

5. Behaviour Matters 2017
Decision making/risk taking
Current
research
Brain Development
Punishment & resilience
Parent-child
communication
Deviant/compliant behaviour
School
environment
Restorative
Practice
5

6. The character question:
What sort of qualities and attributes would
you like your child to have when they leave
Queen of Peace PS?
Is what we want, what we are teaching?
Restorative Practices
teaches these qualities
and attributes.
Behaviour Matters 2017 6

7. Australian parent concerns
Australian Childhood Foundation:
The Concerns of Australian Parents 2004
Behaviour Matters 2017 7

8. What worries kids?
• Performance at school
• Family – conflict, finances, health etc.
• Body image
• Suicide, drug & alcohol uses
• Friends and relationships
• Being popular, fitting in
• Coping with stress and anxiety
Behaviour Matters 2017
8

9. What the research is telling us….
• Positive relationships are central to good
parenting
• Parenting confidence is the foundation of
parenting capacity
• Balancing family and work is a major stress for
parents
• Promoting a culture of ‘help seeking’ behaviour is
vital for healthy families
Behaviour Matters 2017
Australian Childhood Foundation: The Concerns of Australian Parents 2004
9

10. What is Restorative Practice?
• A whole school approach to the building of positive
relationships to reduce the risk of misbehaviour and
mistakes
• An approach to problem solving that helps young people
become aware of how their behaviour affects others
• Has a focus on restoring relationships in the wake of a
harmful behaviour
• Evidence based practice – it works!
• Encourages students to talk about what happened and help
decide how to repair the harm
• Separates the deed from the doer
• Views wrongdoing and conflict as an opportunity for
growth and learning.
Behaviour Matters 2017 10

11. Harm
Responsibility
Makingitright
Values
Healthy Relationships
Three pillars of Restorative Practice
11Behaviour Matters 2017

12. Behaviour Matters 2016 12

13. Restorative practice asks parents to….
Behaviour Matters 2017
• Seek first to understand before being understood
• Hold judgement and listen to perspectives
• Respect everyone involved
• Include all people affected and those responsible
• Focus on the harms, needs, and causes that have
arisen
• Engage in dialogue that aligns with the above
principles and values of Queen of Peace PS
• Help expand the capacity of our children to create a
just and fair response and to learn the best lesson.
13

14. Restorative practices & bullying
Behaviour Matters 2017 14

15. Is this Bullying?
In the playground a student runs past other students calling
them names and pinching them at random.
Yes/No?
Behaviour Matters 2017
No
By definition this in not bullying behaviour.
This is physical aggression and verbal
harassment.
15

16. Is this Bullying?
A group of students are waiting on the side of the swimming
pool when one of the students is pushed into the water.
Yes/No?
Behaviour Matters 2017
Maybe
It is only bullying if it is repeated and to the same student.
It may be teasing/pranking amongst the group that causes harm.
16

17. Is this Bullying?
Paula tells her friends that every time they see Sue she wants
them to make a mean face at her.
Yes/No?
Behaviour Matters 2017
NO
It is bullying if it is repeated at the same ‘target/victim’
It may be harassment if it is only once.
It is called relational aggression or relational bullying. It may be
a result of unresolved conflict.
17

18. Is this Bullying?
The teacher calls to the boys in the class ‘come on girls hop on
the bus’ a student asks ‘why are we girls?’ The teacher says ‘look
at your hair styles.’
Yes/No?
Behaviour Matters 2017
No
This is sex based harassment by the teacher. Adults need to
model what we want students to learn.
18

19. How we respond to bullying behaviour is
just as important as what happened.
• Bullying is a complex issue
• Change the language
• Model what we want
• Work restoratively with kids
• Work as a team
• Use values to teach the best lesson
Behaviour Matters 2017 19

20. The psychology of
restorative practice
Behaviour Matters 2017 20

21. Behaviour Matters 2017 21

22. Behaviour Matters 2017 22

23. What just happened in your brain?
Behaviour Matters 2017 23
Thoughts?
Feelings?
Emotions?
Sensory input?
Behaviours?

24. Behaviour Matters 2017 24

25. Behaviour Matters 2017 25

26. Brain chemistry and responsibility
Behaviour Matters 2017
Expect impulsive stuff
until I’m about 25
Cortisol
Norepinephrine
Vasopressin
Oxytocin
Serotonin
Flight
Freeze
Fight
Reflection
Empathy
Inquiry
26

27. Big brain: prefrontal
cortex, the ‘new’ brain.
Mammalian brain
Red Zone – Blue Zone
Blue Zone relationship:
We give & show respect
We ask questions
We listen
We don’t judge
Help to consider options
Explore ways to fix
things
We help to manage
impulses
Restorative & engaging
systems
Little brain: high levels of
stress hormones.
Reptilian brain
How kids respond:
They feel safe
They feel respected
They are listened to
They experience fairness
They feel trusted
They feel included
They take responsibility
Seat of optimism
Red zone
relationship:
We use threats
We use shame and guilt
We reject them
We fail to listen
We use sarcasm and
ridicule
We tell kids how to think
Judge them as good or
bad
Traditional & punitive systems
How kids respond:
They focus on themselves
They feel frightened
They freeze up & get stuck
They fight back
They don’t trust us
They don’t feel safe
The don’t own up
Highly pessimistic
27Behaviour Matters 2017

28. Behaviour Matters 2017
A young brain in action d
28

29. Work our kids need to do
• Disdain and disapproval is healthy
• Kids need to do their own “social” work
• Kids need to “act out” & practice roles
• Teens will heat-seek confrontation
• Kids need to learn how to fail….
• Children need support – boundaries &
limits, you are still the boss!
• Children will act in your best interests
29Behaviour Matters 2017

30. Children will do & say things
to keep the peace…..
Behaviour Matters 2017 30

31. Behaviour Matters 2017 31

32. Behaviour Matters 2017 32

33. Behaviour Matters 2017 33

34. What can parents do to help
grow the brain?
Dance, music, art, mathematics, language,
physical movement, practical activities, helping
with jobs at home etc.
If we do, and these are repeated and repeated,
the brain will lock these in for life.
If however, we do not use these synaptic neural
growing potentials, they will die away and be
‘pruned’ back.
Model, model, model & model!
Behaviour Matters 2017 34

35. Behaviour Matters 2017
The phone call Monday
evening........
What do you do next?
Questions:
• What sort of conversation will you have with your son/daughter?
• What would be the ‘right’ questions to ask?
• What outcomes do you want for your child and for others?
35

36. Restorative Practice
Values
• participation
• respect
• honesty
• humility
• interconnectedness
• accountability
• empowerment
• hope
Your Family Values
•
•
•
•
Same page
What are the values of
Queen of Peace PS?
36

37. A Window into Parenting Approaches …..what works?
Behaviour Matters 2017
Support, nurturing, caring
Brick wall
Order
Control
Obedience
Rules
Hierarchy of power
Aggressive energy
Blackhawk
Poor structures
Few boundaries, limits
& routines
Rescuing & excusing
Submarine
Physical or
Psychological
abandonment
TO
FORNOT
WITH
Adapted from Wachtel,1999,
and Coloroso, 2003
Accountability,boundaries,rules&limitsHigh/Firm
High/Fair
Backbone
Responsibility
Respect
Cooperative
Problem solving
Calm & Assertive
Restorative
parent/teacher
Signs you're a Blackhawk parent
• You pack your child's school bag so they don't
forget anything
• You hide in the bushes to spy on your child at
lunchtime to see if they're playing with others
• You email your child's school to demand your
child doesn't have to do a detention
• You lobby the school to get your child into a
particular class/sporting team/drama production
• You text your child when dinner is ready
37

38. Move away from blame & shame
to harm & repair
Behaviour Matters 2017 38

39. • Why didn’t you do the project?
• Do you know how much trouble you are in?
• You should feel very ashamed of what you have done!
• Did you forget the discussion we had last month about
honesty?
• Go to your room until I decide
what should happen to you!
Behaviour Matters 2017 39

40. Restorative Questions - talking
• Tell us what happened with the project?
• What were you thinking when you weren’t
honest with us on Friday night?
• Who has been affected?/In what ways?
• What have you thought about since?
• How can you make things right?
• What would be a good plan?
Behaviour Matters 2017 40

41. Behaviour Matters 2017
If we want to change the
answers, we need to change
the questions…..
Talking with young
people
41

42. How do I talk to my kids so they will listen,
and listen, so that my kids will talk?
• By modelling respect (blue zone), don’t judge
• Re-build and repair any relationships that have
been strained by the wrongdoing
• Use story telling to manage shame and guilt and to
develop oral language skills
• Ask open questions
• Promote the development of empathy for those
that they have affected Behaviour Matters 2017
‘What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas is all
well and good, but this happens to be QPPS
and we don’t work that way’
42

43. Danger phrases….
The uninvited lecture-
“When I was your age…….”
“If I was in your shoes I would ……”
Appeal for common sense-
“If they put their head in the fire……”
“If your friend jumped off a cliff…….”
Leave BUT out of it-
“You did well but………”
“I like what you did there but….”
Empty questions-
“How are you feeling………?”
“What happened today…….?”
Behaviour Matters 2017 43

44. Ask positive & open questions
Behaviour Matters 2017
• What was the best part of your day at school?
• Who did you decide to play with today?
• Let’s play 2 truths and 1 lie over dinner…
• What would you like to tell me about your day?
• Can you remember two interesting things that
happened with your friends today?
• Let me know when you are free so we can chat
about our day together.
• Can we do a job together and talk?
• Others?
44

45. The end………………….
Behaviour Matters 2017 45