1. The Medol Model:
Understanding Shame
The Gift of Anger Workshop
November 13, 2011

2. Shame Is . . .
A belief or an attitude
that there is something wrong
with you, or with someone else
©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO

3. Characteristics of Shame
An attitude of disrespect, conditional love
and conditional acceptance
Assumptions you make or others make about you
or you make about yourself
Supposed to messages
An unhealthy learned emotion we were taught
©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO

4. Three Ways to Play the Same Game
What I believe should be true of YOU:
“Shame on YOU!”
What you believe should be true of ME:
“Shame on ME!”
What I believe should be true of ME:
“Shame on ME!”
©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO

5. If you are supposed to ... then
If you are not “whatever” is
EXPECTED of YOU,
the “shame message” tells you
there is something wrong with YOU!
©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO

6. Players in the Shame Game
Do you hear or use the words…
Should
Always
You better
Have to
Must
Never
Ought to
Supposed to
©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO

7. Players in the Shame Game
Do you feel…
Demeaned
Devalued
Discounted
Embarrassed
Judged
Put down
©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO

8. Shame Self Test
Ask yourself…
“Have I done something wrong?”
If the answer is “NO”
You are experiencing SHAME
©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO

9. Recognizing a Shaming Message
Does it say something is wrong with me or
with someone else?
Is it an expectation or assumption?
Is it a judgment or an opinion?
Is it disrespectful or destructive?
Is it hurtful or emotionally crippling?
Is it a control device?
Is it a lie and simply NOT TRUE?
©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO

10. Emotional Injury from Shame
Undermines safety
Deprives independence and personal growth
Undermines your faith in yourself
Deprives you of love
Destroys relationships
Undermines self confidence, self value and self esteem
©2011 Intellectual Proprietary Content | Jerry Medol and Anger Alternatives Inc., Kansas City, MO

11. Learn More…Let’s Start the Conversation
Jerry Medol, Director
jmedol@anger.org
816.753.5118
Rusty Fleischer, Program Director
rusty@anger.org
Website: Anger.org
Facebook: facebook.com/AngerAlternatives
SlideShare: slideshare.net/AngerAlternatives