1. I’VELOSTMYIDENTIY
WHATHAVEIGAINED?leaving your family, friends,quitting your job, changing language,
turning your life upside down represents some of what a trailing
spouse endures. But does earning more money make life happier?
Unfortunately most of the jobs require
having it, so finding one will be almost
immposible. That’s the biggest issue
and problem they have to deal. Lot of
them don’t even try to find a job since
her/his wife/husband earns enough
to suport the family. But staying at
home is not the best solution. Moving
causes other problems not just quitting
your carrer. You dont have your friends
and family near you who would make
your day better. As a, Veronica, who
came in France a year ago as a spouse
of her housband says that there is no a
problem as this when you are spouse.
“I have some distant family here in
prooted! Said my
psychiatrist after
spending six months
in France and that’s
exactly how i felt.
This is how Alexandra start’s her story
as a spouse for over twenty years. No
job, no friends, no family and alone
at home all day with three kids in an
unknown country, that’s how she
describes her life in few words. She
gave up her career to go overseas and
after spending more then half of her
life as an expat, she lost her Brazilian
identity without acquiring a new one.
“That was the worst for me”, she said.
But her husband had all she wanted.
He had the simple advantage of
going to a job everyday, his days
had structure. He made friends
at work, and he maintained his
professional identity. On other side
she was financially, socially and
emotionally reliant on him.
“My husband has the career and he
provides the money for our needs.
We’re not rich at all, but have enough
(he also travels a lot). I provide the
emotional support and the logistics
for our moves back and forth, I help
everybody to adapt into the new
environment, I arrange the schools,
doctors, sports activities, birthday
parties, school outings, music lessons,
I manage all the schedules”.
One of the major issues facing the
trailing spouse concerns their own lack
of fulfillment. A study by the Permits
Foundation found that 82% of trailing
spouses or partners had a university
degree and 90% of them were forced
to relinquish their own jobs in order to
pursue their partner’s move abroad. Of
these 90%, only 35% worked during
their time living overseas. Alexandra
as almost 95% of spouses couldn’t find
a job which matched her experience
(the other 5 percent were very, very
lucky to find one or they didn’t find
it in their expertise). There are a lot of
job’s in France offered for expats in
the field of childcare, teaching English
(if you are native) and bars, all jobs
requiring much less qualifications and
experiences than the trailing spouse
possesses. Did they imagine their
professional life progressing the way
it has? Not one of them did. The First
of barrier the trailing spouse need to
face is learning the language, even to
work in the field of childcare. When
you feel lost, when you don’t know
if you did right thing or not, when
every morning you ask yourself“Why i
needed this”, you need to go to learn
languge which in those moments you
hate. But you need it, at least to make
yourself a little bit more comfortable
when you go to buy something ,
because French people dont speak
English, and they don’t want to try to
understand you.That is also one of the
frustrating things which you need get
alongmovingtoParis.SoNOlanguage,
NO any kind of job for sure. But even
if they learn perfectly to speak French
problem starts with working permit.
You can get one only if you have an
employer who would like to hire you.
U
Paris but no friends, and most
of all I don’t have my dog here,
whom I really miss. I am very
close to my mother and talk
everyday by skype (thank you to
whomever invented it ) with her”
After few months in Paris, both
of them decided to move on and
tried to make their life easier and
interesting as all other expats do.
They enrolled to schools, tried
meeting other people ( most of
them use opportunty to meet
other mothers’s when they take
kids to the park or school) . As they
said: We need to talk to someone ,
her/my husband is all day at work,
old friend and family have their
occupyes so we need to take that
advantage and try to make friends.
They have done with the best of
their knowledge, and the best
of their judgment at the time .
Without job, friends, family and
all new things they needed to get
use to,these womens are giving
their best to create their own
opportunities.
And in the end, What have they
gained? Lifetime experiance and
opportunity to change their life.
As, in the end of our conversation
Alexandra said:
“2013 is going to be my year!! It’s
Mommy’s (show)time!”
Author : Andrea Knežević
Andrea is journalist from Bosnia
and Herzegovina with over 5 years
experience in broadcast and print
media specialising in foreign affairs
and European Union economics.
Andrea arrived to Paris one year ago
to pursue her specialisation.
We need to talk to someone,
my husband is at work all
day so we need to take that
advantage and try to make
friends.
“
OURTRAILING
SOLUTION
Our story starts out as a
tale of two cities which
eventually became one
– Paris. My fiancé and I
were in a long distance
relationship travelling
between Sunderland in the
north of England and just
outside of London in the
south. We had been doing
this for over four years and
we both knew that it was
time for one of us to move
north or south and finally
live together.
The problem was I had a good,
dependable and sturdy income
from my job (but I didn’t enjoy it
at all), whereas my fiancé had a
careerinsportsjournalismthathe
absolutely loved and I didn’t want
him to choose between walking
away from his career to take a 9-5
job for me. We both wanted each
other to be happy in our jobs and
happily living together.
We had discussed the pros and
cons of the north (of England)
against the south and were no
further forward when a golden
opportunity came our way that
we knew couldn’t be turned
down.
My fiancé was offered a job
working with a media company
in Paris, there wasn’t even a
question as to whether I would
go with him – I absolutely
jumped at the chance! This was
the perfect solution because
we’d both be going somewhere
new and starting over again to
be with each other, and both
equally saying goodbye to the
lives that we had known in
England.
So, we packed up our bags, said
our farewells and took a train
to Paris in April 2011. I was so
excited to be starting a new life
in the beautiful, cosmopolitan
city of lights. I was also filled
with dread – We had never
spent more than three weeks
together and that was on a road
trip holiday in America. What
wouldhappenifwe(finally,after
all this time) moved in together
and realised that we hated each
other’sguts? Thatmyuntidiness
would drive a wedge between
us, or his habit of eating his
breakfast cereal incredibly loud
and clanging the spoon on the
side of the bowl wouldn’t make
me want to clang the bowl over
his head?
There was a big period of
adjustment which lasted about
two months – it was like getting
to know each other all over
again and seeing each other’s
bad habits and bad moods and
actually living together in a
proper grown-up relationship
warts and all. I was also very
concernedaboutmakingfriends
and meeting new people. I was
very realistic about my situation
and knew it would take a little
while before I found a job (I
didn’t realise it would take
nine months but that’s another
story) and so I knew I had to
put myself out there and meet
new people. This was when I
stumbled across the Expatriates
In Paris group on Facebook
which was an absolute lifeline
for me. I met two wonderful
women, with fascinating jobs
and backgrounds and we all
decided to go along to one of
thepicnicsthatwerehappening
in Parc de Sceaux.
It was a beautiful sunny day
and everyone seemed in a great
mood. We sat down next to
a very glamorous Australian
girl with a big floppy hat and
started to chat. Pretty quickly
we realised we were sitting in
a group of people who had all
just arrived and been in Paris
only 3-4 weeks. As they day
wore on people came and went
and at the end there was five of
us left who decided to go home
together. When we got to the
train station there was a group
of people waiting to catch the
train who we’d spoken to briefly
during the picnic. When we got
on the train we all talked more
and found that we all seemed
to laugh at the same things and
decided to meet at Chatelet for
drinks later that night. I was
sure that they wouldn’t all come
back, but true to their word
they did and we spent the rest
of the night drinking, dancing
and having a great time. I’m still
in touch with every person that
came to the pub that night, and
I know I made friendships that
will last a lifetime. If it wasn’t for
these amazing, funny and crazy
peopleImetatthepicnicIknow
my experience in Paris would
have turned out completely
different.
Author : Denise Knightley
14 EXPATRIATESMAGAZINE| EDITION 1 APRIL 2013 | www.expatriatesmagazine.com 15FOR PROFESSIONAL EXPATRIATES | EXPATRIATESMAGAZINE