Get back your ex in 10 easy steps

Get back your ex
In 10 easy steps

By
Shubhra Bhattacharyya
Suvashish Chander Bhattacharyya
Tushar Bhattacharyya

Introduction
Humans are a species where relationships matter a lot. Their lives depend upon a
bunch of relations which helps them to exist socially and mentally, both. Moreover, life
has its natural rhythm; it takes its natural course. To endure all the tumbles and tests,
you need to form a relationship; a bond which helps you to overcome all odds. Why is it
important to handle a relation with care? It is extremely difficult to forge a relationship,
and to carry it forward in a delicate manner is harder than imagined. It might take you
years to create one and a second to end one, forever.

Out of all the relationships, the spousal relationship is the most delicate. It is also one of
the strongest bonds in the archive of all the relations. It is one of those associations,
which is the foundation stone for a bunch of other ones. If neglect and hiccups appear in
this bond, then your life becomes the living face of chaos. You could head towards a
complete breakdown; and it could also result in the total annihilation of your self-
esteem.

So you need some special powers to nurture your spousal relationship into an
unbreakable vice, where both the partners are bound in the strongest bond ever, Love.
If you notice a gap in your relation, then it is a warning bell. Start working on it- ASAP. It
might take some time and commitment, but you need not worry. A bit of care might seal
the bond. Then you could sit back and take a look at what went wrong and then you
could initiate the repair.

In case, you have got a step further and have a breakup in your hands right now, then it
is better to take a grip of yourself and handle the situation in the best possible way. You
need to be alert to the rule, ―Fragile: Handle with care.‖ With utmost delicacy, you could
reverse the splitsville, and find that your true love has survived one of the biggest
scares.

When we were penning down this e-Book, feeling speculative about the content I was
going to deliver. Get back your ex in 10 easy steps is not intended to give away advice,
only suggestions which could change your perspective. Human beings might be a
complex species, but we all belong to the same race. Isn‘t that an advantage? Jokes
apart, I went around discussing issues related to the topic, browsed through a lot of
blogs and print media. I must say that was an enriching experience for all of us.

In this e-book, we will discuss all what is necessary to keep your relationship healthy.
How to handle yourself during a breakup? How to get things back on track? Also, how
do you evolve it into a rock-solid bond? Is it possible to get back all that you have lost?
We aim to answer all this and lot more. All the measures you need to take post-

breakup. How to avoid depression during this period? With the aid of this e-book, you
could also take up a survey of how long your relationship is going to last and whether
you need to invest more time into it; or simply put an end to it, for good.

Once you have the wisdom in your pocket, you can dole out lot more to a relationship.
You can also check out whether you are deploying the right strategy, or simply bubbling
away your love in unnecessary directions. Learn to live better while avoiding extra
pressure in your love-life. Do not tolerate any sort of abuse at any cost. You need to
understand the course of actions to make a relation stand up to all the weathering
forces. If we can make your life pleasurable, make it a happy dream, then that would be
the biggest trophy one could earn. That‘s our aim, which we wish to achieve through
this e-Book.

“May God bless you!”

Chapter.1 Take your time
Try to slow down

Do not immediately jump to woo your partner back post break-up. The going has
been rough for a while, and both of you need some time to recuperate. The
heartbreak and the agony can be quite tiring, so just try to slow down. Divert your
mind to the stuff you were ignoring for quite some time. You might have to pay
bills or something needs to be fixed, so just finish those things until you hunt for
your next distraction.

Always be prepared beforehand. You need to have your own support system at
hand. Pets, Friends and Parents are the best ways to allow you to recreate the
emotional bubble that will not let you become low-spirited during this period.
Also, keep two things in mind. A break-up is not the end of the world. The second
thing, you have a whole lot of other relations to pay attention too. Others too
deserve a slice of your life. In fact, I find it a lot easier to deal with broken heart
by discussing it over with my folks and kin. Shrinks have also suggested the
same when such occasions arise. Peers have been through the same phases in
their life and their age-old wisdom sure comes in handy.

Couple your kith and kin with pets. People have their own limitations, but animals
have proved to de-stress such emotionally demanding periods. Flames don‘t die
at all, they just subsidize after a while. Then other occurrences take over. While
many readers might rule this as plain insensitiveness, a broken heart is the
hardest to heal. If not tended at the right time, things might get out of hand.

Now, just think of it the other way round. What if your ex takes it in a different
manner? What if your partner might be thinking in a completely opposite
manner? Maybe, your love needs you to be by their side at that very moment. Dr.
Weaver response to such situations is, ―Take your own decision during this
phase. A little bit of concern is good, but do not overdo it, for you are going
through the same turmoil.‖

How to avoid the possibility of your ex hopping on another ship? It is the biggest
question According to Dr. Weaver, such situations occur only in two cases, either
the person is flirtatious or in a confused state of mind. Stats have shown majority
of the cases are of the latter kind. Dr. Weaver further clarifies, ―The human mind
is more complex than any other species. Of course, there are major drawbacks in
the way humans behave, but they are after all social beings. The human mind is
trained to understand empathy. One will eventually understand the truth. If the ex
is intent on jumping ship, allow them to do so, because you have tried your best
to stop them.‖ The answer is pretty clear. If your ex doesn‘t handle the situation,
then you have to accept the seething pain.

Now, when the writing on the wall is pretty evident, the best way is to revert to
square one. Go to your parents, spend time with your seniors or simply buy a
pet. In case you do not agree with the first two suggestions, do go for the third
one. A pet might go a long way in handling your mood swings during the period.
Pets are animals which have a high tameness quotient. They tend to reciprocate
the love their masters bestow over them. Many eventually overcome the
depressing period owing to the company a loyal pet provides. Stats have shown
and supported this theory. People with pets seem to recuperate from an
emotional disturbance faster than people without pets. Who could have thought
that a loyal pet could fill up the emotional voids that humans tend to ignore.

What kind of pet would help the most? A dog or a cat? A hamster or a horse? A
parrot could also make a good pet. Dr. Smith of Berkley Medical College points
out,‖ Any sort of pet could serve the cause. People usually are comfortable with
pets with which they find an emotional connection. You could choose any pet that
mixes with you easily.‖ Dr. Smith also suggests unusual pets like the Iguana or
snakes. ―South Asian communities in Vietnam or Cambodia have the strangest
of animals as pets. I have seen people treating pythons and monkeys as family
members.‖ says Dr. Smith. So the verdict is clear, anything goes.

Picking up a hobby is also helpful in dealing with the post break-up situations.
Hobbies tend to ventilate the minds. Keeping your mind busy with a healthy
pastime stimulate the brains, which helps you to phase out depression. Dr.
Lopez, a marriage consultant in California, is hard-pressed over this issue. ―I
have always suggested leisure pursuits for my clients who have had a rough
separation phase.‖ He adds, ―Though this seems as an off-directed logic, but it
certainly works out. Our minds do not work logic per se.‖ Point taken, Doc!

Now, are there any hobbies that work wonders to cut out the sadness in your
life? Of course, says an anonymous shrink from Washington D.C. The easiest
way is to take up cooking, an age-old stress buster. I have done that myself, she
states. Whenever I am bitten by the ―insect of melancholy‖, I cook up exotic
dishes and search for unknown recipes. ―Also helpful are those weekend
barbeque spreads‖, she says. ―I find those BBQ bashes as the best way of
socializing.‖

Although remedies like these might sound easy and tactful, some folks might not
enjoy simple chores suggested until now. Such folks need stronger, persuasive
and quicker techniques to heal their mental wounds. Despite the fact that one
needs to be patient, there are cases that contradict the normal dictum. In that
case, one should head to a counselor as without delay. Dr. Paulini, of Bologna
School of Medicine affirms, ―One cannot deny the fact that this is a disturbing

situation. The after-effects are too strong on sensitive folks. A severe step could
mean that more chaos would ensue. It‘s better to be looked after by a
professional.‖ Point taken, Dr. Paulini.

***

Chapter.2 Find the Reason
Try to perceive what went wrong

Now that you have taken some time off your relationship, try to perceive what
went wrong in the first place; sit back and reflect whether the consequences were
imminent. Most of the times, when you track down the root of the trouble, other
problem areas also become obvious. When these problem areas are exposed,
you can act upon them. Unclear reasons make the problem linger on for a longer
period. If you overlook this step, emotionally sanitizing yourself after a breakup
becomes extremely difficult.

Unattended issues could cause your time-tested relationship to end within
seconds; such is the graveness of the issue. That‘s because our minds are
fragile and vulnerable. They need emotional security each and every second of
their life. Any rubble that causes tension in your love-life can destroy it too. Being
on a lookout for these factors could help you to keep a check on these anti-love
mines.

Top 10 Reasons for a Breakup

For men:

1. Women don't pay attention to a man’s problems

A man needs a chance to speak. In this dog-eat-dog world, he has a hard time in
communicating his feelings to someone who really cares to listen to what he has
to say. The problem is that guys don‘t appreciate feelings or those ‗mushy
sensitive‘ talk. Machismo is the way for them and they will do anything to look.
Tears are just not welcome.

A woman often exhibits motherly tendencies. Men actually love this trait; but if
you keep on pressing your motherly side a bit too much, then you can earn the
tag of being bossy.

Moreover, we are not always right, but we can have opinions, can‘t we? It gets
under our skin when we are made to feel like our opinion doesn't matter. Who
wants to stay with someone like that, who does not bother for your feelings?

2. Women believe their girlfriends’ suggestions or advice

Men understand the need for female friendship. In fact, they love the fact that
women have their private sanctuary (After all, it gives them time for those bowling
nights or a boy‘s night-out). They can go with the girls' night out deal. But when
you start slipping details of your relationship, that's actually asking for trouble.
Yes, if you want to bitch about your man with your girlfriends, your husband
might not mind that. But, do not litter your married life by bringing in the loose talk

back to bed. Your man has a different role in your life. Your friends are a
completely different matter; don‘t mix both of them.

Do men bitch about their women? Hell yes, they do! But, they are just like you.
Men accept that their lady might be right in many places, but never in your face.
After all, that would mean that they have lost ‗it‘.

3. Don’t mix your relationship with your family affair

No you don‘t need to run away from your family. Spousal relationship is
supposed to be a two party contract, not a kidnapping. However, if we're mature
enough to isolate these associations and keep what goes on between us just
between the both of you, then its fine. Is it too much to ask of you to do the
same? If you let out every detail of your marriage to your parents or siblings, your
man will certainly feel bad. That will distance you further from your husband or
partner.

What if it is the other way round? Is your man a Mama‘s boy? Of course, this
time round you know who‘s to blame.

4. Don’t become a Clinger and do not ask him to become one

Women don't need to visit every single place that their men go to, and women
don't expect men to trail along with them either. That's what makes the time that
you both spend together so special. We each had our own set of likes and
dislikes before we hitched up. Old habits need some time to evolve before you
commit yourself to the other one. Don't even try to drag your man with you each
and every place, especially if it's going to be an all ladies‘ party. Men don't like to
sit and listen to talk about fashion, or some private talk about cheating men or
women etc. Just dig six feet under and bury your man, if that's the case.

5. Is this a relationship or an imposition?

Remember those detentions you got during your school? Or you had to scribble
the lone sentence after class, ―I will not repeat my mistake again‖ It does send
some shivers down the spine, no? Men hate giving an account of where they've
been almost all the time, and who they've been with. A relationship is supposed
to have a bit of space as well. It is not supposed to feel like a sentence. More
than space, if a man feels that he's not an object of trust; his lady doesn‘t trust
him, expect him to walk out of the relationship. Don‘t suffocate your relationship
at any cost.

6. If you like being Independent, what do you need a man for?

Males have their own egos fitted into personalities.”I can do this‖ or ―I can do
that‖ are the general statements they resort to, when offered help. But, they
aren‘t good at everything, especially when it comes to the kitchen duties. Now, if
you do the same with a man, he‘s bound to feel uncomfortable. This is a sure-
shot way of putting an end to your relationship.

Let your man do what he‘s good at. Handle what you can do yourself. After all,
men and women are made to complement each other, not indulge in a slugfest.

7. Don’t be too dependent on him, either

It‘s confusing to follow the previous step and this one at the same time, but one
needs to balance the yin and yang. Men like a women to be mature and sensible.
No, you don‘t need to turn a sous chef for her. But, you can at least take some
basic decisions on your own. ―Tell me what to wear for dinner?‖ or ―Do I look
good today?‖ These questions could bolster a man. If you have a habit of
questioning a lot, or that you need a different point of view in every small thing,
you are in deep trouble. Women are not supposed to act like children, and men
hate to handle children (Why do you think the world adores mothers?). If you do
not change your ways, it wouldn‘t be long before your relationship would be on
the rocks. Downer

8. Be positive

Men like being motivated. If a woman openly disapproves a man‘s actions
needlessly, then expect him to be in the blues for a long time. You can notice it in
the eyes itself. Even the renowned psychologists confirm the fact. A man cannot
tolerate an attack on his self esteem. Like a woman needs her man‘s assurance,
a man needs the reassurance. Humans need security; it is a part of every
human‘s genetic code. Nothing to be ashamed of, isn‘t it? After all, that is when
we realize each other‘s value.

9. Don’t let the past haunt your present

―To err is human.‖ We all have made mistakes, haven‘t we? One needs to learn
from mistakes, not have a big hangover the mistakes. If your partner has made a
mistake, and you agree to forgive him for it, then stay put on your word. If you
keep on digging out the skeletons, then your relationship is going to be rot swiftly
and you will soon let your relationship slip out of your hands like sand in an
hourglass. It might be difficult to let go of the past, but obsessing over the ex-files
can wreck your present life.

10. His friends aren’t your friends, but don't run away from them

Men know their friends beforehand. He knows their behavior from his childhood
days. If one or more of his friends love to kick ass, he knows this already. If they
are flirtatious, he will surely pack them off. Don‘t nag him constantly for that. Let
him take care of it. If you keep avoiding his friends, you tend to make all the
parties uncomfortable. A sensible man knows how to make his friends behave in
front of his love. In case he‘s wimping about a characterless friend of his, then be
ready to walk out for the sake of your security. But do not assume that all men
are hounds.

In case, you are clueless about how to handle your man‘s friends, then there‘s a
lot of ways out. Consult your peers; otherwise simply follow the social protocol.

For women:

Relationships are extremely fragile for women, and one should tend to a
relationship with extreme care. The more you are careful to your relation, the
better. If you let an incident or two slip, by be sure of a trouble in close quarters.
If you have a breakup on your hands or you just broke up, here is a list of ten of
the most common reasons that could have played the devil. The reasons given
below are helpful in maintaining a healthy relationship.

1. Unfaithfulness

The biggest reason for a split is infidelity. You cheat once and you have rocked
your relationship big-time. I have seen women trying to figure out what they
lacked, why their man abandoned them for another lady. Infidelity is a situation
when one of the partners loses interest in his/her better half and likes someone
else. It is a phenomenon that has been going on for centuries and the reason
that most breakups occur.

Men are often visually stimulated. So a small amount of titillation could spell
disaster for a relationship. According to a study, all sort of weird reasons have
had men cheat over their wives or partners. A bigger pair of boobs and butts
could be the cause. Some have even ditched their relationship on account of a
poor foreplay. Whatever, you perv!

Some reasons, however, are concerned with the mental aspect of the
relationship. One cannot generalize men on the basis of their habits, but they are
downright impatient. There might be a few exceptions, but let‘s keep that out of
the discussion right now. They visualize of the aspects out of the marriage, that

are momentary pleasures, or at best, a mirage. After the moment of illusion is
over, then what do you do? Do we head south after that, hell yeah! Marriage‘s
over guys, no more crying over spilt milk.

Infidelity is one of the biggest marriage killers, all across the world. Stats reveal
that one in two marriages is dissolved due to unfaithfulness in a relationship.
Another alarming trend is that about seven out of ten times, it is the man who is
the culprit. Nothing would hurt a person more than a cheating partner and
accepting someone who has been cheating becomes really difficult. Though
some people do accept the situation and try hard to have a happy relationship,
most people prefer to split as they have a strong feeling that if someone gets a
taste of infidelity, they can never be trustworthy.

2. Help, I want a baby!

Every couple desires to have their own children. Although the trend of adoption is
fast catching up, it can never replace the joy of having your own biological
descendant. Many a times a split occurs when over-trying gobbles up your
marriage. It brings in a lot of stress in the relationship ultimately resulting in
cracks in the bond which holds the partners together. The sex life gets affected.
Consciously or unconsciously, all their actions in bed would lose the passion and
the affection, hence making the moment mechanical. Rhetorically, it allows the
mincing of a relationship. Just one motive, making a baby! A time may also come
when one of the partners is blamed for the whole issue. Thus, breakup is evident
when the couple is not able to have an offspring.

3. Boredom

When the relationship becomes predictable, expect some amount of rough
weather in your married life. A routine life with little or no romance, takes away
the charm of any relationship. It is very essential to keep the spark alive in your
relationship. Once boredom creeps in the relationship, it would probably give a
chance for infidelity. Boredom occurs when both the partners are way too busy or
way too ignorant about the fact that their relationship needs both time and effort.
However, boredom may not kill a relationship directly, but may lead to the
breakup happening as a result of one partner ending up straying his/her way
from the relationship.

4. Frequent Conflicts

Another reason that people choose to split is when there is an occurrence of
frequent conflicts in a relationship. Frequent arguments and fights cause
tremendous mental stress to both the initiator and the victim. When tension levels
are high in a relationship, there is no room for love. A couple‘s tendency to fight
all the time leads to endless nagging, saying hurtful things to each other,
constantly trying to prove the other one wrong and other such things. If both the
partners are hot tempered, this situation is almost inevitable. It is not denying the
fact that the resulting emotion after a fight is always pain and hurt.

5. Independence

There are some people who love independence and who also believe that they
do not need to get any guidance, support or help from anybody. If one partner in
a relationship is like that, you may conclude that the chances of such a
relationship breaking up are high.

6. Abuse

This is probably the worst way a relationship can end. Mental, physical or sexual
abuse is a crime but the saddest part being that people suffering from it seldom
come out in the open and break up with their partners. Such persons suffer
silently because they do not have the courage to walk out of the relationship.
However, there are people who let their better sense prevail and walk out. The
abuse they suffer may make them mentally disturbed for a long time.

7. Suspicion

This is another reason for breakups in the recent times. Trust is the main
ingredient of any relationship and it is very difficult for a relationship to survive if
there is no trust between the partners. If one of the partners is suspicious about
the other, it will invariably show in his/her actions. Suspicions and doubts would
lead to constant questioning and tension between the partners. Though
sometimes these suspicions do hit the bulls eye, many times there is no truth in
them.

8. Addiction

Addiction is also a reason for a couple to split up. If a partner is addicted to
alcohol or drugs and is unable to come out of that, the relationship may break
down.

9. No support by one partner

This is a problem that is faced more by women than men. When a partner gets
no support from the other, then that could lead to cracks occurring in a
relationship eventually leading to a breakup. It is very difficult for one partner to
carry on with his/her work, when the other partner is not co-operative. Everyone
expects their better half to be their biggest support system and when there is a
void there, that may break the relationship.

10. Selfishness

If one partner is selfish it may lead to break up. Selfish attitude will always result
in one partner suffering in order to fulfill the other‘s needs and demands. Despite
everything, the efforts are never recognized and demands keep increasing.
Selfishness does not allow a person to love another apart from one‘s own self.
This results in the couple breaking up and parting their ways.

***

Chapter.3. Accept your faults

Focus in on the problems that caused the
weakened your relationship, and think about
what you can do to mend them

Many people have trouble being real with themselves and with others because
they associate their mistakes and / or faults with guilt and or shame. They may
feel that when they admit their mistakes that they are somehow less of a person,
that they are inferior and lack worthiness. This could not be farther from the truth,
but previous notations from within them may be causing this conflict. For
instance, you may have come to feel as if you were not good enough by a
parent, a spouse, or perhaps by some demeaning people, and those old
negatives still come up and play a part in your life today.

Admitting your mistakes or faults should actually be quite liberating for you.
Because when you admit and accept your mistakes, blemishes, shortcomings,
and faults you are no longer trying to live up to some unrealistic model of
perfection. Whew! What a relief! The battle of trying to be perfect is one you are
going to lose. This does not mean that you lower your standards or that you act
with irresponsibility, it simply means that you accept the fact that you are going to
make mistakes. When you accept this truth you will stop being so hard on
yourself, and by the way, stop having unrealistic expectations of others,
(including your spouse). Furthermore, you will learn that by simply realizing your
inability to be perfect, that you can forgive yourself for those things that guilt is
trying to hold you to in condemnation.

Are you coming to a realization right now? Look, we all miss turns, so we make
u-turns! We have all split the milk, so we have all had to wipe it up. Not a single
person on this planet is perfect, that includes your mother, father, boyfriend,
spouse, and your boss. Why attempt to achieve that which is unobtainable? You
can't do it, quit beating yourself down because of your mistakes. So you forgot to
pay an important bill or you made a bad decision. Accept it and make efforts to
improve for the next time, but don't go around hanging your head low because
you fell short of perfection.

Being accountable for your actions and taking responsibility is necessary, but
within those aspects there are learning and growth processes. When you bump
your head on the door hanging over you, you learn to watch out for brain bashing
obstacles. You accept that you were not paying good attention; you make a
mental note, so that in the future you will avoid the same headaches. When you
accept your mistakes without guilt or shame, you allow growth increase, and you
alleviate other possible headaches!

We all miss the boat and end up on the train sometimes, but we keep moving in
progression. Life is a constant learning lesson, you know the saying "we learn
from our mistakes", right? Well, everyone is going through similar processes in
which life often hands us learning curves. It's how we react to those curves that

matter. When we stop trying to be perfect and take on humble attitudes our
maturity expands. And, with this understanding we begin to look at others
differently as well. When we realize and accept that our companions are going
through similar processes, we will quit trying to hold them up to some level of
perfection in our own eyes.

Your personal strengths are unique, just like your weaknesses. Other people in
your life, such as your spouse, will be strong in areas that you are not, and weak
in areas that you are strong. You are meant to complement each other, not to
pick upon each other‘s weaknesses. This is not to say that there is something
wrong with them pointing out those weaknesses, because we all have blind spots
in our rear view mirrors that block our insights that we need to know about. It is
saying that you point out areas of weakness for growth advancement, and then
love those people with their blemishes. It's not to pick on their blemishes as if you
do not have any.

Addictions or poor behaviors do not make people invaluable or lowly; everybody
has some sort of addiction of some kind. Addictions are those things in which are
done in repetitious manners. As a simple example, I drink fizzy drinks on a
regular basis; that is one of my addictions. Since everyone has some sort of
addiction it makes them normal, it does not make them low in character. Yes,
there are some serious addictions that people need help with for their health and
safety, but that does not mean that they lack purpose or that they are unworthy in
any way. God has a way of taking the most unlikely people, restoring them for
His good, and then elevating them to higher levels for the good of others.

Every day you have the opportunity to cut yourself and others some slack. When
your spouse fumbles anything, reach down and pick it up for them. When you
realize that you have made an error in choosing between two priorities; or
perhaps said something undesirable; you wish you could take your words back,
accept it as a mistake, and make the most of it without feeling bad about it. Sure,
apologize when necessary, you are likely to be accepted back with love and
understanding when you do.

A proverb goes, “He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love, but he
who repeats or haps on a matter separates even close friends”. It's pretty
clear, isn't it? To love means to overlook mistakes and faults, we are supposed to
handle ―those‖ mistakes that others make, in a subtle manner; why are do we not
do the same for ourselves? It‘s because we are trying to live up to some illusion
of perfection, even as we are knocking our toe on the door jam. Take a deep
breath, and when you let out all those things that you have been feeling ashamed
of. You should free the guilt about those unintentional mistakes. Ask God and

your spouse for his/her forgiveness, even for intentional mistakes, and then be
willing to receive His grace and a happy little family.

***

Chapter. 4 Communicate effectively:
Don’t lose your marbles
Try to be rational, calm and clear

Try to be rational, calm and clear about your intentions to get them back, while
explaining how you plan to change. You should not be intimidated or hesitant to
talk about your relationship problems.

Part of being a good father is not letting petty things get in the way of having a
nice day. Most divorced women polled say that "poor communication" was the
cause of their divorce. Most divorced men don't mention communication at all.
Many of the arguments that married people have are based entirely on
miscommunication. Those that aren't based in it are very often escalated through
it. These are tough waters to navigate, so hold on tight, we're sure to run into
overgeneralizations and unfair stereotypes ahead:

This is a subject about which volumes of books have been written. And once in a
while they make best-seller list, aided by catchy titles, constant exposure on
daytime talk shows, great placement on supermarket shelves, and they generally
make a great gift that girls buy for that boyfriend who just doesn't understand
them. And yet, with all the talk out there, all the clichés about communicating in
relationships, this is something that we tend not to take seriously. Men have a
tendency to see women as irrational when it comes to things such as
communication concerns, just like we think they're being irrational with so many
other things. We have a word for it: hysterical.

Hysterical literally means "acting like a woman."

Men don't see communication problems most of the time. Communication for us
is cut and tried. You have conversations about things when they are of concern,
and if something isn't bothering you, then why the hell should you talk about it,
right? But those times that we spend in quiet, comfortable thought are the same
times that our wives tend to see us in deep concern, worry, even.

Have you ever experienced this? You‘re driving in the car, minding your own
business, perhaps looking at the scenery. It's a sunny day, so you're squinting.
All of a sudden, out of the blue, your wife leans over and says, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Then what were you thinking about?"

"When?"

"Just now, when you were making that face."

"What face? Nothing. I wasn't thinking about anything."

This happens to me all the time. What the man thinks he's doing in this case is
clarifying his position. He simply wasn't thinking about anything. He was looking
around, driving the car, and--he thought--spending time with his wife while doing
that.

The wife sees a different story. Women tend to want conversation as a part of
companionship. The fact that you weren't talking for a while suggests, to them,
that something is on your mind. The fact that you were squinting is indicative of
this, as well. And, to back up their theory that something is wrong, you were
being defensive about your position when caught in the act of thinking about
something "wrong" while driving and not interacting with your spouse.

To men, this seems illogical. And it is. In the universe of our conversational style,
it makes no sense. We wouldn't assume that our buddy was bothered by the
world if he wasn't talking. There's a cliché of the "strong silent type" in male-dom
that appeals to us. He doesn't have to say much. But women need
companionship from their husbands and to them talking is a very big part of it. It
doesn't have to be deep conversation; it doesn't have to be conversation that has
a purpose such as solving a problem or weeding out solutions or political
analysis. It's an act of involvement to talk about things and it's something we tend
to forget.

This leads down a slippery slope. If a concern is raised over a conversation, such
as the above mentioned car issue, men tend to brush it off as not being a big
deal. We tend to think, "well, she'll get over it; it ain't no thing." But to a woman,
this is indeed a big deal. There's a problem and it's not being talked about. It is,
in fact being avoided by the man. While we think discussing it is "blowing it out of
proportion" or "making a big deal," they see it as something healthy, as discourse
leading to getting the problem out of the way.

We just don't see it as a problem, and that is a tough bridge to cross.

Here are some ways that you can side-step these pitfalls in everyday life and in
the middle of arguments. They are not tricks, but movements of empathy that
should be made with absolute sincerity:

Ask her how her day was when you (or she) get(s) home. We tend to feel
welcome to bitch, complain, or gloat over our day; women see the invitation as a
note of interest and a welcome one.

Be willing to talk things out. We tend to feel that if things need to be talked about,
there is a problem. Women feel if we can talk things out, there are no problems.
Be calm, collected, and don't lose your temper in what can often feel accusatory.

Verbally notice her. Did she change her hair? New shoes? Clean the kitchen?
Don't just note these things mentally. That's what we do when we're at work or
with our friends, but our wife is not our job or our friend. Verbally pointing out
observations is caring.

Don't use exclusive and self-oriented language. Don't say "I'm going to bed early
tonight." Or "I want to go for a drive." Instead, make these things sound like
invitations. "Do you want to," or "What do you think about," work much better. We
feel free to invite ourselves no matter what the language. But it's these little
nuances that women notice in groups of other women and are trained to notice in
our words.

Don't be quiet for too long. It sounds stupid to us at times, but just say something
if you notice things have been quiet. Car rides seems especially dangerous for
this. We feel like proximity means closeness, but this often isn't the case for
women. For many women a lot of the time, the conversation means time spent
together, not the placement of your bodies.

In an argument, don't say "You're acting crazy." Don't say anything that suggests
that they have no ownership of the feelings they're going through. Regardless if
she is reading the situation wrong or not, she has legitimate feelings. Recognize
and understand what they are and where they are coming from.

Empathize during arguments. Don't just defend your point of view. And don't
belittle her. Take a moment to step back and really try and see how she sees
things. You could be wrong about what she feels is the problem. This is very
often true, and you can spend hours arguing about different subjects. So take a
moment to clarify what you think you're fighting about. Paraphrase, in your own
words, why you think she's upset. Reach her on that level and get it right--with
coaching if needed. Then, invite her to see things your way. You are not the
same people and you have divergent takes on the same situation. Often, all that
is needed is an understanding of the contrary point of view to make things better.

Of course, this is all generalizing. I don't want readers to think that I'm being
unfair or demeaning of either sex. Growing up in different social situations with

different social expectations has made us talk in different ways. Remember that
your wife is not trying to communicate like a man but failing--she's trying to talk to
you in the way that she knows how. That can be very strange for us, believe me.

Most of all, talk about conversations. Talk about talking. There's nothing wrong
with trying to grasp the other point of view, no matter what the situation.

***

Chapter.5 Apologize
“I’m sorry.”

Your love will be more willing to make things work with you if you are the first to
apologize for the failure of your relationship, but do not apologize when you are
not being genuine.

―I‘m sorry!‖ two simple words and yet two of the hardest to say. We easily utter
them in response to trivial matters like accidentally jostling a stranger on the
subway or giving the cashier the wrong change. Yet in important matters and to
those who mean the most to us, we can find ourselves practically choking on the
words. But the inability to apologize can critically wound all of our relationships,
from home to work. Learning how to properly apologize is a necessary step in
moving from boy to man.

Why We Don’t Apologize

Pride Apologizing can be particularly hard for men because it involves the
admittance of fault. It‘s hard to say that we messed up. That we were wrong. Our
pride gets in the way.

Embarrassment If we messed up royally, doing something truly boneheaded
even though we knew better, it can be difficult to talk about it to the person we
hurt or let down. We feel stupid and would rather pretend like it didn‘t happen.

Anger Things that need apologizing for are rarely a one way street (more on this
later). We probably did something wrong, but the other person probably did too.
And sometimes our anger over how they offended us is so great that we justify
what we did and can‘t get past it to apologize.

The antidote to all 3 obstacles: Humility. The reason we put up these walls is
that we have an overinflated view of our true selves. We‘re always right; we
always have it together. But it isn‘t true. We‘re human. We mess up sometimes.
You have to accept your imperfection as a part of life. Suppressing it will cut you
off from others. Embracing it will allow you to grow as a man.

When to Apologize

Even when it’s not fully your fault There is a breed of man who will not
apologize unless he feels 100% at fault for something. ―But it‘s not my fault!‖ is
his battle cry. He‘s not at fault for throwing away an important document at work
because no one specifically told him to hold onto it. He‘s not at fault for hurting
his girlfriend‘s feelings because she shouldn‘t have been listening to his
conversation with his friends.

But almost no situation is 100% one person‘s fault. If your wife flew off the handle
and called you some cutting things for seemingly no reason, it‘s not because
she‘s just an ice princess; she‘s hurt because you‘ve been working 80 hour
weeks and not spending enough time with her.

Even if the fault split is something like 1%/99%, you still need to work hard to
humble yourself and come to an understanding of what that 1% is rooted in.
Don‘t live your life as though every day you‘re pleading your case before an
imaginary court, presenting evidence for why you are not at fault and are
innocent as charged. It‘s not as important to be right as it is to have healthy
relationships with others. Would you rather be right than give up your relationship
with someone? Would you rather be right than lift the hurt feelings from another?
Being self-satisfied in your justice offers little benefit but the feeling of smugness.
And smugness won‘t keep you warm at night.

You don‘t have to apologize for what truly wasn‘t your fault, but you can find the
things, no matter how small, that you could have handled better. Once you
apologize for those things that will get the ball rolling for the other person to own
up to their mistakes. Don‘t let pride stop you from being the bigger person and
taking the initiative.

Even when you haven’t been caught As a boy, did you ever break something
and then run away, hoping that no one would notice, and that if they did, they
wouldn‘t connect the crime back to you? This is how a child handles his
mistakes. A man owns up to his mistakes and offenses whether or not he thinks
he will be held accountable.

Quickly apologize as soon as you can after making a mistake or committing an
offense. The longer you wait, the more resentment is going to build up on both
sides, the harder it will be to make the first move, and the more awkward the
situation will become. Be a man and nip it in the bud.

When Not to Apologize

For your beliefs If you offend someone by standing up for your beliefs because
you failed to debate like a gentleman and ended up being snarky, attacking the
person personally, or generally acting like an ass, then you should apologize for
your boorish behavior. However, if you‘ve made a completely respectful
argument in favor of your position and a person is simply offended because of
the nature of your beliefs, then you should never apologize for that. Don‘t be
sorry for what you hold near and dear to your heart.

For not meeting unreasonable expectations You know this guy. His girlfriend
expects him to kowtow to her every wish and treat her like a princess 24/7. When
he fails to do this, she expects him to grovel in repentance. This isn‘t being
sensitive, it‘s being a whipped weenie.

For everything This man apologizes for his appearance, for things that aren‘t his
fault that no one is saying are his fault, and for perceived shortcomings that no
one notices until he brings them up. And he keeps on apologizing. Over and over
again, when everyone else has moved on. Being a compulsive apologizer is
highly emasculating and instead of getting you into people‘s good graces as you
might assume, will simply erode their respect for you.

How to Apologize

Write it if you can’t say it

Sometimes our embarrassment or pride prevents us from going in person to
apologize to someone. While a face to face apology is always ideal, if you
absolutely can‘t do it, then it‘s better to get it out then not do it at all. And
sometimes a letter or note is actually a superior medium to talking because it
allows you to express all of your feelings without forgetting what you want to say
or running the risk of setting off another argument.

Use humor when appropriate Some self-deprecating humor can break the
tension and cause you both to laugh. I‘ve found that drawing little cartoons of me
and my mishap can instantly dissipate my wife‘s anger. Note that I said, when
appropriate. If you cheated on your girlfriend, don‘t crack jokes or make cartoons
about it. ―And see in this panel, that‘s me making out with your best friend.‖

Be sincere This is the cardinal rule of apologies. An insincere apology is in some
ways worse than no apology at all. The person‘s hurt over your offense will
merely be compounded by their anger at your hypocrisy. An insincere apology
may take the form of saying you‘re sorry but saying it in such a way that your lack
of contrition is patently manifest. Another form is the famous ―I‘m sorry you‘re
sorry‖ apology. This apology admits no fault but pretends like saying you‘re sorry
that the person was hurt or is angry is still pretty big of you. Don‘t bother; it will
make the person want to stab you with a trident.

Take complete responsibility Never, ever make any excuses while you‘re
apologizing. They instantly ruin the weight and sincerity of your confession. Don‘t
use any ―buts.‖ As in ―I‘m really sorry that happened, but….‖ A man takes full
responsibility for his mistakes.

Express your understanding of why you were wrong and the weight of your
mistake A person wants to know that you fully understand the seriousness of the
situation, which you have thought through exactly why what you did was wrong
and the full consequences of your actions. Nobody wants to hear an apology
from someone who clearly doesn‘t know why they‘re in the wrong but feels like
apologizing is what they‘re ―supposed‖ to do.

Offer to make restitution. This is a key part of the apology process. You should
almost always offer to try in any way you can to make up for your misdeed. This
obviously isn‘t always possible. If you break your wife‘s 5th generation family
heirloom vase, you can‘t go to Target and buy a replacement. But if a situation
can be fixed and rectified, then you should pledge to do whatever it takes to do
so.

Pledge better behavior in the future Notice that I said pledge and not promise.
While some would argue that if you‘re really sorry, you‘ll never make the same
mistake again, our failings as human beings dictates otherwise. I might be truly
sorry for losing my temper on someone, but I‘m pretty sure that no matter how
hard I try, it‘s probably going to happen again somewhere down the line. When
you promise someone that something is never going to happen again, you‘re
setting yourself up for a huge rift to develop if it does. The person will be
justifiably doubly hurt, because after all, ―You promised!‖ There are of course
some things that you can be almost 100% sure you‘ll never do again, and if you
feel absolutely confident in that, then make a promise. But generally you should
simply pledge that you‘re going to be working hard on fixing whatever personality
or behavioral faults led to your current offense. You can promise that you‘re
going to be making an effort to change and turn things around.

Prove your contrition with your actions. In the end, words will matter very little
if your actions don‘t match them. After you‘ve apologized, stop dwelling on it.
Simply start acting in a way that demonstrates the sincerity of your apology.

Move on. Once you‘ve given your sincere apology, don‘t apologize again.
Having you continually apologize may be what the offended party thinks they
want from you and it may make them feel better in the short term. But in the long
term, it‘s going to ruin the relationship. If you continue to grovel then you‘ll always
be in the inferior position instead of having the person treat you like an equal.
Deep down, they won‘t be respecting you as a man. Either the person accepts
your apology or they don‘t. If they do, then there‘s no need to keep groveling. If
they don‘t, then the person doesn‘t trust you and the relationship has other
problems that need to be fixed.

Chapter.6 The best medicine: Softness
Identify together what you feel

Identify together what you feel were the major problems in the relationship and
come up with plans, compromises or commitments to rectify them. If your ex

does not want to talk to you, do not try to push them into it or they may feel
defensive or uncomfortable and will not open up to you.

Gentleness isn’t for wimps

During my dating years, I heard a husband respond to his wife in such a gentle
and humorous way that it didn‘t even appear he had corrected her at all.

―Honey,‖ his wife had said, ―I need you to pick up our neighbors‘ newspaper for
the next four days, which I told them I would do.‖

With a slight smile and a warm tone, the man said to her at the crowded dinner
table, ―Sweetie, I think that people who make commitments should keep their
commitments.‖

He held eye contact with her, his warm smile lingered and everyone at the table
smiled as well, including his sprightly wife. With the added lubricant of humour,
this wise and gentle man spoke the truth but said it kindly.

He could have lashed out with his tongue and pronounced the hard truth to her,
as so many newlyweds do. He could have talked about her being unreliable,
about how she had done this to him before. (She had.) Instead, he spoke the
truth with an appealing tone and a dollop of winsome wit.

Powerful words

His response corrects a common misconception about the art and practice of
marital gentleness, which many people think means caving in to a spouse‘s
demands. True gentleness is powerful – the kind of power that is respectful yet
free to disagree. It does not return an insult for an insult but speaks the truth
even if it‘s unpleasant.

Gentle spouses express their will, but they don‘t force it upon others. Instead of
yelling, ―I‘m sick and tired of your making commitments that you expect me to
keep,‖ a gentle spouse appeals to decency and fair play.

But to some of us, gentleness is a foreign language. We didn‘t grow up hearing it,
so we don‘t speak it in marriage. Nowhere is this deficiency more evident than
when discussing important marital matters.

Tread lightly

How a conversation begins often determines whether it will succeed or fail.
Gentle conversation starters help us resolve our problems without hurting our
spouse:

―What I‘m about to say may be difficult for us to talk about, but we need to
because it‘s important.‖

―I know that you see things differently than I do, but I‘d like to try finding some
common ground.‖

―This isn‘t going to be easy for me to talk about, so if I don‘t get my words right,
please give me a chance to do so.‖

The choice

Sometimes love means causing discomfort for the health of your marriage. But
even during these tense moments, we have a choice: We can be honest without
being gentle, which is like performing surgery without anesthesia – it gets the job
done, but it causes unnecessary pain and brooding resentment. Or, we can be
truthful and tender, which protects our spouse‘s dignity and preserves marital
intimacy.

Gentleness in marriage is much like a flexible but powerful backbone; it supports
the entire skeleton exactly because it is not too rigid. Everyone loves a gentle
spouse because he speaks and acts with such strength that he does not feel the
need to yell. Or whimper.

Throw in some light humor, and you may leave others with an example of marital
gentleness that will last a lifetime.

When men hear or read about the virtue of gentleness, they often substitute this
virtue with the vice of niceness. This is especially the case for younger Christian
men, and the results can be deadly when it comes to love, marriage and
fatherhood.

What does true gentleness look like? Genuine gentleness brings needed force
into a situation or relationship, but it is a force that is moderate and kind in its
presentation. Gentleness is respectful, but respectful enough to be truthful and at
the same time gracious.

Niceness is often disguised as gentleness, but you can see the difference if you
look closely. Mere "niceness" brings no redemptive power to a matter at hand,
whether with a spouse, co-worker, or obnoxious coach who belittles and
exasperates a child. Men who focus on niceness try hard to fulfill this
requirement but in many situations fail since a father's lack of power frustrates
and angers his children. Nice men also fail to stop other fathers from
exasperating their children because correcting another, may seem, well, not very
nice. In many ways, the unstated goal of niceness is to say or do something

without saying or doing anything truly meaningful. It favors manners over truth.
Niceness is the drowning of force, the unwilling to use any. It is the state of being
that has been defined for ages as "weak."

The understanding that a gentle man still wields force - albeit moderately - and
with it power, is an eye-opening revelation to many

When is it okay to be persuasive?

Learning to use the appropriate amount of force in any given situation takes time
and a cultivation of virtue. Yes, the moderate use of force for redemptive
purposes is a virtue, but one should also understand that it can also be a vice.
Some situations in life demand setting aside even gentleness,
requiring more than moderate levels of force. For example, a police officer who
only uses moderate force may be a dangerous imposter when greater force is
necessary to ensure peace and protection. By the way, if you trace the origin of
the word virtue, as Dr. Henry Cloud has in his beneficial work Integrity, you'll see
that one of its meanings is "force." Virtue brings energy and force to a situation.
Niceness refuses the task, usually because of fear of rejection.

A man's need to cultivate virtue brings us to another point: If the goal of Christian
life is to imitate Jesus, then it's important we have an accurate picture of Jesus.
It's important we knock down, whenever possible, the anti-biblical and false idol
of Pleasant and Mild Jesus, who we foolishly try to emulate. True, Jesus was
gentle. But he was not always gentle, thank God. Moderate force cannot save us
from wickedness, evil, addictions, the devious plans of others, or our own
convenient rationalizations that bring numbing comfort but not true security.
Sometimes the best thing a good person, or God, can do for us is to give the gift
of desperation--something gentleness is ill-equipped to perform and something
niceness never does.

I receive many letters from wives explaining how heroic they've behaved in order
to help their husbands be more involved, connected, and protective of their
families. Yet no change has occurred. Sometimes the gift of desperation is the
only option that works.

Communication is the key to any relationship and marriage is definitely a
relationship. Communication must be cultivated and consistently and consciously
worked on.

15 Ways to Communicate Effectively with Your Spouse
1. Listen attentively while your spouse is speaking, rather than concentrating on
what you are going to say in response. This way, you can hear what your spouse

is really saying. You may be also able to hear what your spouse is not saying, as
well as what he is.

2. Learn to speak the same things (for example, you want to live debt free or
have a happy, fulfilling marriage). If you are speaking the same things, you are in
agreement. The scriptures ask, ―Can two walk together unless they are in
agreement?‖ The answer is no. Therefore, agreement is very important in a
marriage.

3. Make eye-to-eye contact when you are speaking. Eyes will reveal anger, pain,
sickness, and so on. Eye-to-eye contact also creates a connection between you
and your spouse.

4. Think before you speak, thereby giving yourself time to speak your words with
love. People are easily offended. Once anger or offense enters the conversation,
the person who is offended stops listening and goes on the defensive. So think
carefully before you speak.

5. Pray together. Again, this brings agreement, but more importantly, brings God
into the conversation.

6. Dream together and write a vision. Understanding the purpose for your
marriage should drive you and your spouse to accomplish God‘s will for your life.
Whether His reason is for you to raise your children a certain way, to start a
business, to start a non-profit organization, to start a prayer meeting in your
community, or to sing, every couple has a purpose.

7. Know your spouse and why she does what she does (for example, is it based
on her upbringing? military background? being from a single-parent home?
growing up poor?). Knowing this will help you to communicate more effectively.
For example, if your spouse grew up poor, then you can understand why she
responds a certain way when you spend a lot of money. Because of your
spouse‘s past, she might be used to people telling her to not spend as much or
feelings of poverty may rear their ugly head.

8. Communicate with your spouse—he is not a mind reader. You must
communicate your wants and desires.

9. Know what your spouse expects from you (such as dinner every night, or a
phone call to let her know you are okay). You have been with your spouse long
enough to know what she expects.

10. Understand what your mate is trying to say. Men are definitely from Mars
and women are different from Venus. We can speak the same things, but in

different ways. Understanding your spouse‘s background and gender, and
knowing his heart, will help you to decipher what he is really trying to say. For
example, your spouse may have a hard time expressing love verbally but may be
able to express it physically; giving you hugs or kisses that say, ―I love you.‖

11. Forgive one another. Every marriage, including yours, will get to a point at
which your spouse will do something to hurt you. At the end of that day, make up
in your mind to forgive your spouse. If you don‘t, that unforgiveness will grow day
by day until your heart is hardened or your ears get dull and you no longer want
to hear what he has to say. Those are walls that start the separation process.
Don‘t let that happen. Forgive and move on. God says that He gives us new
mercies every day; therefore, because He has given freely, you should give
freely, too.

12. Complement and say “I love you” and ―I appreciate you‖ often. By doing
this every day, this is something that can keep a marriage peaceful and strong.

13. Know the best time to talk with your mate. If your spouse is not a morning
person, 7 AM is not the best time to have a serious conversation. If your spouse
needs an hour after work to relax, wait to have that heart-to-heart.

14. Conduct family meetings regularly. This allows you to discuss what‘s
going on with the children, plan dates and vacations, agree about large
purchases, and other important matters.

15. Control your emotions. Keep your mouth shut! DO NOT discuss issues
when either of you is upset. If your spouse is trying to discuss a matter while
angry, find a way to let her cool off first. For example, excuse yourself to the
bathroom and go pray. If you are the one who is upset, definitely pray first and
wait until you are able to speak nicely.

Ways to Practice Gentleness in Marriage
Elephants are strong yet gentle. It‘s a unique combination. Maybe that‘s why we
admire them so. For centuries, elephants have been used to carry large, heavy
items, even uprooting trees. Watching them work might scare some people. But if
they are tamed at a young age, they tend to remain gentle giants.

It can be the same in marriage.

In a healthy marriage, both husband and wife need to feel free to express what‘s
on their mind. However, neither spouse would ever force their will upon the other.
It‘s the perfect combination of love and respect.

Unfortunately, for some people this is a foreign concept. It‘s like speaking a
different language. If they didn‘t experience it growing up – quite likely they
experienced the opposite – then they don‘t know how to be gentle in their
marriage. Worse yet, such problems tend to only show themselves when major
marital issues arise.

So what can a married couple do?

They can start by understanding the value of gentleness?

The Value of Gentleness

As a differentiating value, Gentleness means even-tempered; considerate;
honorable, strength under control.

The last part, strength under control, can have the greatest impact in a marriage.
Learning to control one‘s actions, words, and even thoughts is the beginning of
real strength.

How often does one ―bite their tongue‖ and say nothing to their spouse about an
issue. But then they go to work or visit friends and blab all their negative feelings
about their spouse. Where is the strength in that? There is nothing honorable or
considerate about tearing down your spouse in front of others.

Does this means one must just ―grin and bear it?‖ No. That‘s neither healthy nor
sustainable.

To create a healthy, strong marriage, practicing the value of gentleness might
just be the perfect fitness program.

The 10 Commandments of being gentle

Gentleness can be found in many forms. It‘s quiet, but strong.

Here are 10 ways it can be practiced in marriage.

Gentleness is choosing to address difficult issues during the day instead of at
night.

Gentleness is honoring the free will of your spouse, but does not join in just to
placate them.

Gentleness is speaking the truth in love. It shines a light on a tender issue while
maintaining respect.

Gentleness is remaining even-tempered during a crisis, yet staying alert for
possible dangers.

Gentleness is offering a hug when your spouse messes up, and saying nothing.

Gentleness uses light humor to diffuse tense moments.

Gentleness protects vulnerable spots but addresses the hurt that needs healing.

Gentleness never needs to yell, and never cowers or whimpers.

Gentleness takes its time to consider all the facts, but is quick to ask for
forgiveness.

Gentleness remains ever present, even if it‘s never acknowledged.

As one of the nine ‗fruits of the spirit‘ (Galatians 5:22-23), gentleness is
frequently skipped over as a weak value. Being gentle is often equated to ‗giving
in‘ or simply ‗being nice.‘ True gentleness couldn‘t be further from the truth. To
show one‘s strength while keeping it under control requires mastery. It needs to
be practiced.

***

Chapter. 7 Being positive
You can do everything you want to

If you are willing to try to make the relationship work again, go back into it without
resentment or anger. Believe that the relationship will work out and stay upbeat
about resolving problems in the future.

When everything is wrong and you just want to cry all night, that's when you
know you need to get over that ex. Everyone experiences heartbreaks, but being
strong about it is another thing. Don't let your ex see you weak.

How to stop thinking about your ex?

1. Never ever run back to them or call them all the time. You can just never
let go of that special guy/girl that taught you how to love. When you guys break
up, then it happens for a reason. Don't keep calling him/her and talking to them
like nothing happened or try to make them love you again. It's not going to work
out. It'll just make you seem weak and clingy.

2. Forgive and forget. Let things go and remain cool. Don't let your ex see you
miserable without them; it'll just give them the satisfaction and an ego boost.

3. It’s okay to cry at night. For the first few weeks, it's going to be a long
and lonely journey. So it's OK to cry. Cry your heart out for the matter of fact. You
are going to stop crying in the end because you'll get sick of it and realize that it's
a temporary phase. Listen to sad love songs. It'll make you feel better and you'll
realize that you can relate to them even more after a breakup. Get it all out
and then deal with it.

4. Remain positive. Just because he/she broke up with you or doesn't want you
back doesn't mean that you're "worthless". There are plenty of other people who
want you and would be willing to treat you even better than your
ex. Smile and laugh. Surround yourself with friends and people who care. Not
only will you feel better, your ex will notice how happy you are and maybe regret
rejecting you.

5. Lift your head up high and move on. Don't let one relationship drag you
down even though it was the best one you ever had. There will be plenty more
and it's his/her loss. You are too good for them anyway. Tell yourself that. Tell
yourself that you need someone who will treat you right. Just be strong and
forget about your boyfriend.

6. Don't try to fling or have special relationships with your ex. It never ends
up right when you just go back into that cycle. Yes, "that" cycle. Where you guys

break up then make up then act all cute and happy but in the end, you'll just be
heartbroken and cry. Yes ... that cycle. Relationships end for many reasons.

7. Consult a friend if you feel lame or played. When your ex plays around with
your heart when he/she knows that you still want them, that's when you definitely
know that he/she is not for you. It's OK to feel this way, completely normal. Don't
hold your feelings in, talk to a friend and cry. Let them comfort you and let
yourself vent your feelings. You'll definitely feel better.

8. Shop, exercise and socialize. It'll make you feel better to buy new outfits so
you can look even more attractive. Not only will it boost your confidence, it will
also boost your self-esteem. Looking good will make you feel good. Exercise is
also a good way to vent your frustration and pain. Socializing with others would
keep you distracted from your ex, bolster your self-esteem, and help you get over
your ex. When you are occupied with other people, you'll think, "Hey! Being
single isn't bad. I get to make new friends and have more time to
myself". Flirt and mingle!

9. Whenever you miss him/her try to engage yourself or take a nap it
refreshes your mind Scientists who study the brain have found that different
thoughts and feelings create specific chemical reactions in the brain, and that the
more these reactions happen the more the brain becomes "wired" to think and
feel that way. In other words, if you obsess about the negative thoughts and
feelings related to a breakup, they can literally take over your brain

10. Don’t try to work things out with your ex you will just make them think that
you still want them and that they have your heart.

11. It's OK to start liking other people after a couple a months, meaning you
can’t wait for your ex forever. Recover and then get out there again.

12. Give it time I know you are heartbroken now but just wait and you will
recover be happy and you'll see you forget about your ex. A lot of people
wonder how to start feeling better when they can't stop thinking about a breakup.
Some have even used the word "obsessed" to describe the way a breakup
dominates their thoughts.

.

So how do you stop negative post-breakup thoughts and feelings from running
your life? The key is striking a balance between proactively dealing with them
and distracting yourself from them.

The first is necessary because if you don't deal with the breakup it will likely find
a home in the back of your mind and sit, stubbornly festering away.

Distracting yourself is crucial as well. Let's go back to the brain for a minute:
positive thoughts have their own chemical reactions, just like negative ones. That
means that just as your brain can become wired to think negatively, it can
become wired to think positively.

Now, let's talk about an action plan:

Dealing proactively with negative thoughts and feelings

If you find yourself simply thinking about aspects of the breakup that depress
you, and those thoughts are running the same circles in your head, do something
active with them - write or talk them out. Write in a journal, talk to a friend, family
member, support group or therapist. The point is to do something with the
thoughts rather than just thinking them.

Distracting yourself from negative thoughts and feelings

After you give these thoughts and feelings some attention in the ways listed
above, work on focusing on anything that distracts you in a positive way. Watch a
funny TV show or movie; read a good book or a fun magazine; use guided
meditation recordings; spend time with friends and talk about jobs, family, or
goals; make lists of things you want to accomplish that day, that week, that
month, or that year; take a brisk walk or go to a yoga class; clean out a closet.
The key is to do something that will help you feel amused, relaxed, loved,
energized or accomplished - all of which will create positive chemistry in your
brain.

If at the end of the day you find yourself alone with those sad thoughts and
feelings again (which is likely), try simply accepting them. Remind yourself that
you'd have to be superhuman to not feel sadness after heartbreak. Congratulate
yourself for making a real effort throughout the day to deal with and distract you
from the sadness. Think about your support system. Remember that tomorrow is
a new day.

***

Chapter.8 The L-Factor: Being loyal to
yourself, means you’re loyal to a
relationship
Loyalty is everything in a relationship

If you believe in yourself and do not deviate from your promises, you will give
your ex the impression that you certainly know what you want out of your
relationships and your life. Your confidence will express that you are sure in your
ability to change and be a better partner.

Relationships are core to human life. Human being is a social animal and
relationships form an integral part of it. However the same relationship exposes
human being to many forms of insecurities that have the potential to disturb the
sense and take the peace out of mind. We embrace the relationship with some
hope and expectations but what if it hurts more than smoothens out life. It is in
this need that we look for loyalty in relationships. The loyal that make us feel
secure and give the peace of mind. If you are secured in your relationships, you
can take the world with much strength and courage.

Loyalty in relationship is a much sought after factor. It is much needed and
desired. It is the single most factors that let us first fall in relationship itself. Every
relationship has expectations and loyalty forms the foundation of it. It is in its
inherent nature of Loyalty lies a bonding that keeps the core of human
relationship intact. Loyalty in relationship comprises 5 keys or virtues that form
the very nature of it. This can relate to any relation like marriage, friendship, love
etc. Let‘s go through these keys and see how they shape Loyalty

1) Commitment- Loyalty demands a commitment, a promise that lay the
foundation of it. It is unquestionable unsaid virtue that cherishes the relationship
from the roots. Two people committed to relationship define the essence of
relationship in itself and needs no words to relate it further.

2) Dedication- Loyalty demands a dedication to the relationship. It goes far in
prioritizing the focus and channelizing the energy on particular direction.
Dedication forms the core of loyalty in relationship in terms of making it visible
and appreciating the very aspect of it.

3) Faith- Loyalty is virtue that inspires faith. Faith in a relationship itself
answers all the questions about the value of a relationship in a person‘s life. Faith

nurtures love and provides the solutions to tough situations. Developing a faith,
as part of relationship, leads to you to strengthen your character and follow the
path of loyalty. It is the virtue of faith that helps us pick the right ignoring the ones
that make us deviate from the path of righteous.

4) Trust-Trust is integral part of loyalty in relationship. It makes you confident
that the right thing would prevail without you having to influence it from your end.
Trust is belief that clears many riddles and negates the need to put time and
effort in things that are seemingly worthless

5) Keeping Other over Self- Loyalty in relationship makes you put other over
self. The decision, direction and the move is made keeping the other person in
mind. The other becomes an integral part of your lives and you strive selflessly to
make the relationship successful. It is an important key that promotes love,
respect, and belongingness.

Human life is all about choices. There are always phases in our life that present
us with choices that we need to take for a happy and successful life. Loyalty in
relationship is definitely one of those decisions that make us successful in every
sphere of life. After all a peaceful mind can take the world by its horns and face
any challenges in life

Life is made of pieces put together by our emotions and bound by love and care.
Loyalty in relationship keeps this intact and enforces it with more strength. There
are things that are larger than life and loyalty in relationship is one of those. It is a
core of interaction and the virtue cement relationship to make it more cohesive.
Make Loyalty a part of your personality and reap the benefits of love and
happiness.

***

Chapter.9 Forget the past
Don’t cling to the past

It is important for a couple to put history behind them. If you want a relationship to
blossom, you need to exactly discard all the feelings you have been clinging on to.
Once you let go of this load, life will be a lot easier. Here‘s why you need to put the past
behind you:

1. Prepare to face the challenges A past left unresolved will continue to haunt you
if you don't address the underlying sorrow, pain and anger. You may not want to
revisit aspects of what happened in the past but if you don't, you allow the part of
your mind that conceals and glosses over hurts to dominate. And instead of fully
comprehending what happened and learning from it, you live in the grip of the
past subconsciously and let it eat away at you. If you cannot take a clear view of
the past by self assessment, seek professional therapeutic assistance to guide
you.

2. Accept that you cannot change what happened But, still remember you CAN
change your past. You can‘t change it physically but you can change it mentally.
It is not possible to rewrite the facts of what you experienced and went through.
But it is possible to rewrite the way you perceive it and handle it from now
onward. If you don't, your hurt self will carry over this emotional pain into all new
experiences and relationships, possibly poisoning them and dooming them to
failure without any conscious desire on your behalf.

3. Don't believe anything someone said to hurt you Abusers, from the mildest
situational bully like an obnoxious supervisor to a bone-breaking abusive parent,
do not want you to think well of yourself or question their unjust authority. If they
say you're too independent, that's because they wanted you to be dependent of
their opinion over your own. If they say you're too sensitive, it means you still
have the capacity to feel if it's true or enough self respect to reject an insult. If
they say you're too cold, it's because you're not gullible enough to fall for their
excuses. Compare their insults to what people who like you and hold a high
opinion say about you. When both groups agree, it's probably true about you but
that doesn't always make it bad. This kind of sorting can take some time and
introspection. It's deep healing. Start it by making a list of the things you like
about yourself, to separate your feelings from your detractors. You may find
some traits on both lists; accept them as part of yourself. You may find some of
their insults are just flat lies. It's common for bullies and abusers to lie to keep
people emotionally dependent on their good opinion. Often they project their
flaws, which you might not share. A personal journal is good for this, followed by

discussing your observations with a trusted friend or therapist who has a high
opinion of you.

4. Be grateful for friends who support you and will always be there for you
Don't upset yourself by thinking about people who did not respect and appreciate
you.

5. Let go. Acknowledge that you're living in real time carrying the baggage of old
time. And then let go of it. Are you playing out a past habit in a current
relationship? Does your fear of anger, loss, raised voice, silence etc. now set the
tone for how you relate to others? This requires careful consideration to untwist
the tendrils of who you really are and what experiences from childhood onward
shaped how you react to situations. Most of us feel a deep inner core of who we
are at our best. And we are all capable of separating the emotional triggers from
the solid core of self if we sit still long enough to tease apart that what triggers
our habitual behavior and seek that which is truly what we believe ourselves
capable of being.

6. Remove the past from your future This simply means that you must learn to
stop letting past experience controlling you. This happens when you have a bad
experience and you let it continue. In this case, instead of thinking positively and
remembering the means by which you ultimately overcame prior negative
challenges, your immediate, habitual reaction is to transfer the bad outcomes
from that former experience to a current situation, assuming the worse case
scenario for your current experience, with full-blown expectations that things will
only be bad. And with that come the habitual reactions, on cue, rather than a
series of chosen proactive actions defined by you as the person you are now.

7. Create a positive future Combine the knowledge that you cannot change the
past with the knowledge that you cannot predict the future but you can make sure
that the person you are right now is strong, whole and healthy emotionally, so
that any future negative scenarios are something the person you are now can
definitely cope with, no matter what gets thrown at you. This is really about taking
responsibility for yourself and how you react. Once you have faced the
challenges from your past and accept that while you cannot change the past, you
can cease to let it be role-played out every time a new challenge arises, you are
beginning to remove the fear of more bad things happening as directed by your
past experiences. Instead, you now learn to embrace the reality that the future is
as yet unwritten and if you want it to be a positive and strong experience, the
power lies within you to achieve this.

8. Take it slowly but surely No overnight transformation will occur when you are
trying to move yourself through past habits. It all takes time and you will only
achieve the best and soundest results by allowing yourself the time and space to
move on. However, there are some simple and practical things that can help you
to leave the past behind and, while largely symbolic, key into the mind-body
connection aspect of our humanity and assist with your thinking processes:

9. Get over the guilt or pain Decide whether this box should be tossed or stored.
Either way, you are coming to a conclusion about its contents that they can no
longer influence you.

 If it is a failed relationship or experience, it is often better to forget
and leave the memories to a reclusive spot in your mind.

 If it contains memorabilia of a lost loved one, you may feel more
comfortable cruising and putting it aside, knowing you are doing
this as the beginning of a journey forward.

Pen down your feelings, write a letter to a person or people in the past that
hurt you or write poetry or prose. Anything that allows you an outlet and no
matter how horrendous it may sound let it out. You should not keep this
writing - it is simply a way to open up the emotional backlog and let out
repressed feelings as best you can.

Revisit those places where you felt pain and hurt. Go back and realize the
power you have personally to not let that place get to you. This can be an
overwhelming experience, however, depending on what happened. For
example, survivors of concentration camps or sexual abuse are less likely
to face the place where bad things happened than someone who had a
romantic experience somewhere but since broke up. Gauge for yourself
how ready you are to take what may be a giant leap and take a buddy for
support if needed.

10. Avoid making rash decisions While you're going through the healing
process to strengthen your ability to deal with the past in a reasoned and
distanced manner, keep aware of the triggers that will send you back to past
habits. Actively aim to put a hold on habitual reactions and challenge yourself to
do things differently, while at the same time accepting why you need to do this.
This also means avoiding making decisions in haste that you may regret later,
such as cutting off all ties with somebody in your family, or sending notes filled
with vitriol to people, or quitting from something you have been doing. While
ultimately some of these outcomes might end up being the path you take after
reasoning it with great care, initially this exercise is about strengthening yourself

to make. Prepare to face the challenges. A past left unresolved will continue to
haunt you if you don't address the underlying sorrow, pain and anger. You may
not want to revisit aspects of what happened in the past but if you don't, you
allow the part of your mind that conceals and glosses over hurts to dominate.
And instead of fully comprehending what happened and learning from it, you live
in the grip of the past subconsciously and let it eat away at you.

Make calm and enlightened decisions rather than making merry with curses and
burning your bridges with no care for tomorrow. You do care about tomorrow - a
responsible, thoughtful, and clear future that is free of being controlled by past
habit.

Here are some quotes from our ancestors. Heck, it happened back then too!

Philippians 3:13

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do:
forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,

Philippians 3:13

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do:
forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on
toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 43:18-19

―Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am
doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way
in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away;
behold, the new has come.

Matthew 6:25

―Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what
you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than
food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither
sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add

a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing?
Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell
you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ...

John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse
us from all unrighteousness.

Ephesians

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from
you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one
another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Isaiah 43:25

―I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not
remember your sins.

Romans 8:1

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Galatians 2:20

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in
me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved
me and gave himself for me.

Hebrews 11:6

And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to
God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

Philippians 4:1-23

Therefore, my brothers, whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm
thus in the Lord, my beloved. I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to agree in
the Lord. Yes, I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who have
labored side by side with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest of
my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life. Rejoice in the Lord
always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.
The Lord is at hand; ...

Ephesians 2:10

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God
prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Philippians 3:15

Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think
otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.

Psalm 119:11

I have stored up your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.

How to Forget The Past

Since you searched for the phrase ―How to forget the past‖ I can assume that
you want to forget about one of the following three things:

Forget the past relationship or love
Forget the past memories
Forget the past feelings and painful moments

Usually points two and three are connected together; you will usually want to
forget the past relationship in addition to wanting to forget the memories
associated with it. Some people claim that the past can't be changed; actually it
can be changed and there is only one way to change it which is changing the
future.

How to Change the Past?

Suppose that you got laid off and that you went into deep financial troubles which
resulted in some painful memories, a breakup which changed your life. What do
you think will be your feelings if five years later you became a millionaire?

Do you think the memory of being laid off will be a painful one? No, it won‘t. But,
on the contrary, it will be an event that you feel proud of and you will find yourself
happy whenever you remember it or whenever you tell someone about it.

It‘s not the past event that makes us feel bad but it‘s rather our lack of ability to
have a better future. If the future appeared to be prosperous then the painful past
memories will become happy memories. That‘s why most of the people forget
about their old relationship whenever they start a new one, it‘s just because the
future became bright once again.

The past only hurts those who can‘t see signs of light in the near future. If they
were sure that the future will be bright the past won't be able to affect their lives.

Use Your Subconscious Mind

One of the things that prevent a painful event from being wiped out from
your subconscious mind is that there is no guarantee that it won‘t happen
again.

If you convinced your subconscious mind that this event won‘t happen again you
will find that it can't affect you like before. For example, suppose you
were bullied in front of everyone and then you went home feeling sad.

Promising yourself that you won‘t allow this to happen again is enough to relief at
least half of your pain, but wait, you must be serious about it else your
subconscious mind won‘t believe you.

I know that sometimes things can be out of control but at least you can learn
some skills that help you regain this control whenever you lose it. You can‘t
control those bullies but you can control your response towards them. Whenever
a painful event happens to you promise yourself that you won‘t allow this to
happen again and you will find yourself feeling better.

An additional factor that can help in making past events become painful is Guilt.
If for some reason you felt that you were responsible for what happened the
memory will most likely turn into a painful one. By learning how to deal with
guilt you will be taking a further step towards forgetting the past.

How to forget the past relationship

How false beliefs such as "He is the one" or "He is my soul mate" can hinder
recovery. In addition to the traditional methods to forgetting the past dealing with
false beliefs is crucial to recovery, for if these beliefs were left intact recovery
may not happen.

Examine your past and find those events which are causing you much pain then
visualize the type of future which can make those events become painless.

If you lost lots of money then being rich will wipe out this memory, if you broke up
with someone then finding someone better will help you forget this relationship
and if you had a painful experience then taking the necessarily actions that
guarantees that this event won‘t happen again will make you forget about it.

***

Chapter.10. When to leave a relationship

Dump your partner when the person isn’t worth
your love

When is it time to break-up?

Do I stay, or do I go? When is it time to break-up?

Relate to these questions? Have you ever asked them to yourself before? Then it
is time you seriously have a reality check on your relationship. Is your
relationship worth the toil? Is it a thing you cherish or despise?

Love can be wonderful. But love can also be a great source of pain, like fire. If
used properly and, it adds immense joy to your life. If abused and not contained,
it can destroy everything.

Understandably, you don‘t want to bail on every relationship at the very first sign
of difficulty. There‘s something to be gained in working through issues, and being
supportive of someone during a turbulent time. No one wants (or wants to be) a
fair-weather friend.

On the other hand, how much is enough already? When does ‗standing by your
man‘ become such an imposition that it fails to serve any meaningful purpose in
either of your lives? What do you do when all of those ―signs‖ and messages
from the Universe/God (those whispers, your intuition, that's supposed to be
there to guide you) just seem like cruel riddles - difficult to interpret, and never
quite giving the sense of calm that's supposed to come with knowing you‘re doing
the right thing?

How far will you go, how much of yourself will you give, under the guise of love?

The answers to these questions usually become obvious as time passes,
especially if you are armed with some basic information, and follow SEVEN
critical rules.

The first rule of love is: Do not lose yourself!

You are a beautiful, compassionate, intelligent, respectable, honest, loyal, young
woman serving an important purpose on this Earth. Do not forget that as you fall
in love. Do not allow a guy (or anyone) to cause you to doubt your self-worth,
turn you into something or someone you aren‘t, or become involved in things that
are not in alignment with your values and sense of self.

In order to not ‗lose‘ yourself, you must KNOW yourself. Otherwise, you‘ll morph
into whatever sort of person your lover expects you to be; or whatever sort of
person you *think* he wants you to become. You‘ll engage in activities, act in
ways, and focus on things that will divert you from achieving your greatest good.

So first FIND yourself - and then KEEP yourself.

Point: A good time to exit a relationship is at that point you realize that you have
‗lost‘ yourself, and the only way to get back to YOU is outside of the boundaries
of the relationship.

Rule 2: Feel the love

Love is supposed to feel nice and peaceful, and your lover is supposed
to…LOVE YOU BACK! If he doesn‘t (or fails to demonstrate it), it‘s probably a
good idea to reevaluate the relationship. One-sided relationships are not
sustainable, satisfying, and only lead to suffering, self-doubt, and unhappiness
(especially for you).

It‘s easy for a guy to say he loves you, but DEMONSTRATING that love is what
really matters. Guys tell girls they love them and promise 'happily ever after' all
the time! They say this to keep you on the shelf, their little shelf of ‗toys,‘ so they
can pull you down and play with you when they are bored with their other toys.
Don‘t be his cheap toy. You are much too valuable to accept that role.

You cannot believe him just because he SAYS something. Make him SHOW you.
You have to FEEL the love, not just hear the words.

Point: If you don‘t feel the love, regardless of what he‘s SAYING, it‘s time to do a
relationship assessment. If the relationship is consistently one-sided, it‘s time to
let it go.

What is ―consistently‖ one sided?

That depends on the length and nature of the relationship. On one extreme, if
you met a guy a month ago, and he never calls you, and the only time you see

him is when you arrange everything; it‘s time to ditch him. If this is how he‘s
acting NOW, you‘d be a fool to expect anything different later on.

On the other hand, if you‘ve been married to, and/or built a life with a person
who‘s been there for you when you needed support, and in the grand scheme of
your relationship over the years it‘s been a fair, mutually supportive exchange;
realize that this feeling of rejection is a small part of the relationship (and at times
we all feel rejected by those we love). Very likely, in a short time, the feeling will
pass. So, in some cases, it‘s appropriate to hold the line and give the relationship
(and this person) the benefit of the doubt with more time.

How much more time? Until either things improve, or enough time has passed
where a clear pattern of *consistent* one-sidedness has becomes the dominating
sentiment in the relationship which does not improve despite your best efforts
(conversation, letters, therapy, coaching, whatever).

Rule 3: Have a vision

You must decide what you expect from a partner. Your list should be realistic,
keeping in mind that you won‘t be ―perfect‖ so expecting ‗perfection‘ in your
partner is unreasonable. You‘ll be single forever if you expect a real live perfect
man.

That being said, however, you must have some standards! What are they?
Maybe family oriented, intelligent, honest, loyal, mentally stable, drug-free, non-
violent, loves you, hard-worker, balanced…?? Focus on things that really matter.
Skin color, height, how much money he makes, the type of car he
drives…shouldn‘t matter. If you value the ―wrong‖ (i.e. superficial) attributes, you
will set yourself up for heartache.

So have a vision of the guy you really want. Who do you want him to be on the
inside? How do you want him to treat you? What do you want him to value?

If you‘re able to keep this vision in your mind‘s eye to serve as a guide in
choosing your husband, it will be easier to recognize him when he enters your
life. This vision will also serve to inform you about your current guy, and whether
or not there‘s real long term potential in having a happy relationship with him.

Point: If the guy you‘re with demonstrates (or you otherwise determine) he‘s not
consistent with your vision (meaning he‘s not the type of guy you want to end up
with) it‘s a good time to dump him.

Rule 4: Recognize and act swiftly if immediate relationship-enders
surface.

Immediately end the relationship if:

It involves domestic violence. No one has the right to hit you, throw things at you,
threaten you, hurt you, rape you, lock you up, tie you down, or otherwise torture
you in a romantic relationship (without your permission).

Ever

Domestic violence is about intimidation and control. How can you ever live your
best and fullest life serving your purpose if you are afraid to even state your truth
to your most intimate partner? How can you fully participate in creating your
destiny, leaving your mark, raising your children, finding your joy, if there‘s a bully
living with you beating you down? His rage, anger, need for domination, is ALL
ABOUT HIM. Sure, he'll blame you - say you deserve it. But the reason he's
hitting you is because HE'S feeling out of control...and beating on you makes him
feel better about that. It's the same reason anyone becomes a bully. There is

nothing you can do to change him, and he‘s not going to stop hitting you no
matter how much he apologizes and buys you pretty things after the fact.

There are things that should only happen once (if ever). Being hit by your guy is
certainly one of them. If you don‘t leave, you are sending the message that you
condone the behavior. The longer you stay, the more intertwined your lives
become, the more passionate the relationship – the more likely it will end very
badly (with him killing you). SO NOT WORTH taking a chance! Plan your exit,
and leave him!

*Side note regarding the rest of the relationship-enders: What you should tolerate
in a relationship is certainly partially determined by the nature of the relationship,
time invested, and consequences of leaving. These factors can only be
determined by you. If you are an old married couple with decades of shared life,
finances, health insurance, family/children, and more – well, leaving your life-long
spouse in their time of need may not be the smartest solution (after all, you
wouldn‘t want said spouse to throw you aside if you get caught making a
mistake). But if this guy is some dude you‘ve been dating for a year or three –
push him out of your life onto his ASS.

With that said, let‘s continue to other relationship-enders.

Get back your ex in 10 easy steps

Get back your ex in 10 easy steps

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Get back your ex in 10 easy steps