What are-our-options-by-pat-harris-lmft-contributions-by-steve-mc crea

What
Are Our
Options?
Letters from the hearts of
a child,
a teenager and
a parent

If you’re a parent.
you can make a difference

A Visual Book by
Pat Harris
Family Therapist
ResolveToHeal.com

With Steve McCrea
“Mr. Mac”
Educator, Video Producer and Small School Advocate
FindASmallSchool.com (954) 646-8246

ISBN13: 978-1-879857-35-3
ISBN: 1-879857-35-9

Copyright 2007 Pat Harris

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all the people who mean so
much to us, especially Henry and JK.

To the people who inspired us and to the people who
will read these words, this book is our gift to you.

This book brings you the following phrases:

“Now, listen here…”

“What are our options in this situation?”

“What’s another way to look at that?”

“How can we reframe that?”

…and it all comes back
to reframing, doesn’t it?

3 ResolveToHeal.com

Introduction
Do you sometimes get angry or scared? And then
does someone say something that calms you?

That’s what this book brings you: Calming words.
Letters from the heart. When you wish you could
hear something honest, something soothing,
something to help you forget your problems, turn to
the section called “After the Storm.”

This book also brings you the latest in research
about the brain and some creative pieces that I’ve
used when dealing with anger (with my clients and
with myself). I don’t expect you to monitor five
different TV channels, National Public Radio and
three newspapers. My research staff and I have
compiled what caught our attention over the past
ten years.

This book started when we mentioned to a parent,
“What do you know about the different ways of
learning?” The
parent’s blank look
gave us the insight:
This parent is
overworked and
has no time to
watch TV for
educational
purposes. He’s
too busy raising his
kids.

What would happen to our schools, families,
relationships, communities if 200,000 parents were

5 ResolveToHeal.com

instantly up-to-date with the latest research? What
ways could that information be presented to these
parents? What if these families had access to
calming talks from a family therapist on an audio
CD?

What is the essence of the messages from
scientists? Can we deliver the ideas quickly, so
we don’t waste the time of these busy parents?

That’s the reason behind this book. We want to give you the
basics, with some photos to help get the message across.

I come to this work
with a focus on
options…especially
options away from
violence. There
are many ways to
resolve conflict.
There are many
ways to avoid
bullies and
“cracking”
(negative, “playful”
but harmful jokes that kids tell each other)… Can we resolve
conflict without yelling, shouting, putdowns or exerting force?

The order of the chapters shows progress. We begin with
Elementary School Students and move to Teenagers.
The poem by Tommy Rahill gives us an interlude to Break
the Cycle. Then we look at Managing Anger, which is at
the heart of most of our problems. In the fifth chapter we
look at two types of victims – the targets of bullies and the
bullies themselves. Next we hear words to pick us up “after
the storm.” In the seventh chapter we discuss Ten Ways to
Extend Your Child’s Education. Then we look at the
research that supports much of what appears in this book in
a chapter called Five Things that might help a parent
(new information about the brain)

What Are Our Options? 6

We close with appendices: A Letter From the Heart, a
list of styles of distorted thinking, a checklist for
improving your child’s writing and a teacher’s call
for more cooperation with family therapists.

To help audio learners, we include an audio CD. I hope you
will tell us what we should include in the next edition. Please
suggest new topics… we’ll put them on our web site at
ResolveToHeal.com.

Pat Harris
Click on “Contact Us” at ResolveToHeal.com
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Family therapist and Life Coach

Frequently Asked Questions about this book

1. What is the organization of the
book? It might be possible to find an order
in these chapters. In fact, they are placed in
chronological order as they were transcribed
from meetings between Steve and Pat. Pat
gave the Anger Management talk in 2004 to
the eighth grade at Downtown Academy in
Fort Lauderdale and the rest of the items were
recorded after Hurricane Wilma (October

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2005). There is a sense of “let’s look at the
storms that we have survived,” then “let’s look
at our anger” before we look at systems
around us that cry out for reform. The later
chapters about schools show Pat’s interest in
reaching students through academic
situations. This work grows from the
foundation of the early chapters where we
acknowledge that “we have options.”

2. What motivated you to put together
this book? Bookmaking is an obsession
with Steve. He looks around for topics that
need capturing. This project, which could
have been called “We Have Options,” is more
than a book: there are DVDs with Pat’s
presentation on anger management, and
audio CDs to capture the soothing voice of
the family therapist. The power of an “audio
letter from the heart of a teenager” means
there are sometimes pointed reminders and
direct “calls to action” in these pages. Since
there are many ways of learning, some people
may prefer to listen to rather than read the
messages. This book is for your reference
and it is hoped that you won’t rush through
it. Take your time, think about the messages,
and remember the adage that many
therapists repeat: Work happens between
sessions, too. Insights often come after we
think about what we said during a
“breakthrough” session with a therapist. The
time and thought you put into these issues
while the book is closed is far more important
than what these pages contain.


3. Why are there pictures of food
throughout the book? Our culture
inundates us with images of processed foods.
Some of the basic goodness of fruit and
vegetables has been lost under glazes and
eye-catching packaging. The photos come
from web sites that post images that are in
the public domain, so we just need to note
that the photos in the back part of the book
come from David Beard and the images in the
front of the book are by Jacci Howard Bear of
desktop.about.com.

Image by JK McCrea

9 ResolveToHeal.com

Table of Contents
Introduction (5)
1 For Elementary School Students (12)

2 For Teenagers (16)

3 Break the Cycle (26)

4 “Does Your Anger Manage You?” (28)

5 Bullies – Taking Care of Just You (36)

6 “After the Storm” (46)
(words to help you get through difficult times)

7 Ten Ways to Extend a Child’s Education (60)

8 Five Things that might help a parent (76)
(Five Useful Things About How Your Child Learns)

9 It’s the Size of the School (not the Classroom) (86)

10 ADHD – Does It Have to be a Deficit? (91)

11 A Letter From the Heart (108)

Appendix 1 Check List for Writing a Composition (112)
Appendix 2 Styles of Distorted Thinking (114)
Appendix 3 A List of Audio Letters (116), LASSIE (118),
Prepare for a Good School Year (120), Gratitude (132)
Appendix 4 A Note to principals about Family
Therapists (135)
Appendix 5 Working
With Technology (a
seminar) (140)


Calling all parents
Are you feeling like a broken record when it comes
to dealing with your child or adolescent?

Are you getting the results you want when it comes
to raising your child?

Is your child making the transition from childhood
to adolescence without too much trauma to the rest
of the family?

Are you and your child able to negotiate without
tears and anger?

Do you want to focus on solutions and become an
effective parent?

This book is for you.

11 ResolveToHeal.com

1
For Elementary School
Students and Their Parents

Summary for Parents

Anger doesn’t just “happen.”

Young children can learn to
talk about their anger.

Anger management is for
everyone.

The following text comes from Pat’s CD for elementary
students.

Track ONE
Hello, boys and girls.
What does the word “anger” mean to you?

Do you remember the last time you were angry? What
did you do?

Can you recall the last time you were angry?

We want you to take a few minutes to think about the
last time you were angry and draw a picture.

Pick up a pencil and paper. Or get some colored
markers. Draw a picture of the last time when you


were angry and be sure to put yourself in your picture.
Make a drawing like a picture in a coloring book,
include yourself in the picture.

Take your time.
Be aware of your feelings
Are you having any feelings when you remember this
moment?
Are you feeling angry?
Are you feeling sad?

In the end, are you feeling happy?
What type of feelings are you having?
Write down those words. There are feelings. Then
let’s talk about it.

I haven’t been the only
person getting angry. I
think other people get
angry.

What’s important is that we
learn what we do with the
anger. That’s it! Let’s look
at the pictures!

Track TWO
How can we handle all this
anger?
I wish I knew how to deal
with anger. I’m going to
ask my mommy how she
deals with anger. I’m going
to ask my big sister.
I might even ask my teacher.

What could I do before I hit someone? I might count to
ten using my favorite animals.
I like dogs. One dog, two dogs, three dogs, four dogs,
five dogs, six dogs, seven dogs, eight dogs, nine dogs,
ten dogs.

Sometimes when I get angry at somebody and I count


the number of dogs, I forget why I was angry. I was so
busy counting the dogs.
Yes, I’m going to try it.

I might try counting giraffes or hippos or horses. It
doesn’t have to be animals. Come up with something
on your own. Any animal you like.

We’d love to learn a new way to do this.
When I’m told to do something that I don’t want to do,
sometimes I get mad. I don’t wanna do it.

What can I tell myself to get
this work done?
“It’s okay, go ahead. Do
the homework. It will soon
be finished. The more
time I put it off, the more
time I won’t have to play.
You know I love to play.”

Can you ask for help? Please
ask for help.
Someone will be willing to
help you. Look at what you
did! You asked for help!
Just say, “I don’t understand
this.” It’s okay to ask for
help.

Do you notice? Your face isn’t frowned up. You aren’t
in the corner. You are better in the group. We need
you in the group.

Keep up the good work. You can do it. You’re going
to do great.

Track THREE for Parents
This is for the parent of the Elementary school child.
Help your child get an understanding of anger.


Help your child understand what anger means and
solutions and ways of dealing with anger without
violence.

Listen to your child’s understanding of anger. Always
remember we are looking for additional options.

Violence does not solve problems.
Our intention is to assist you to become a better
teacher.

Teaching is a partnership between parents, teachers
and students

Remember, you are the original teacher.

This CD is part of a series of Audio CDs prepared by
Pat Harris as a way to help parents, students and
teachers deal with anger. For more information,
contact Pat at 954 735 8721

ResolveToHeal.com


2
For Teenagers

Summary for Parents

“Cracking” or teasing = abuse

Teasing and “ragging on”
younger or weaker people are
not “normal” behaviors.
Bullies do these things.

Can we resolve conflict without yelling,
shouting, putdowns or exerting force?

Move over.

What do you mean move over?!
I don't even want to sit next to
you. You smell any way.

Look, you're so fat -- I'd be able
to sit here if you weren't so fat.

What!? I'll bust you in the
nose.


What's happening here? “Cracking.” Some kids think
it’s clever to say negative things about other people.
It’s clever! But cracking leads to fighting.

Cracking is a form of fighting. You say something
about me, I say something about you. You hit me
below the belt. You think that I'm going to sit back
while you shame me in front of my peers, then
everybody else is going to want to crack on me. No.

Cracking is a form of fighting.

It's your fault that I got angry.
You should never have said
anything about my mother. If it
wasn't for you, I wouldn't have
gone off.

Yeah, go ahead, blame me. It's
my fault because your
momma's fat?

Look, it's your fault that I got
angry.

Oh, so I'm supposed to take
responsibility for how you feel
and what you do.

Look, it wasn’t my idea to talk
about my family.
So what's happening? We're talking about
buttons. The buttons that each of us owns.
Who owns these buttons? When someone
shouts at me about my mother or she's
talking to me about how fat I am, who


owns those buttons?

I'm responsible for what I say and what I do. I'm the
owner of the buttons. They are my buttons. Think
about this. At some point I became scared. My
biggest concern is about how people are going to see
me.

What are my peers
going to say?

Who else is going
to pick on me
next?

How will I become
the scapegoat?

Will I become the
talk of the school?

Remember, as a teenager, I'm dealing with peer
pressure. I'm dealing with my own shame about being
embarrassed. It's enough for me to adjust to being a
teenager and being isolated. I think people are looking
at me and I'm wondering what they are saying about
me.

It's time for some intervention. Here's what my mother
did...

I was faced with a situation at school. A kid called my
momma fat. I became angry instantly, and I was angry
all day long. It kept going over and over in my brain:
He called my momma fat! I don't like that. I
just don't like that.

I felt that I had to stand up for my momma.
Until I got home. I said to my mother, "Momma,
he called you fat!" My mother stood and said to
me, "I am fat."


Boy, the light went on. That was when I realized that
my mother was fat. My mother acknowledged the fact
that she was fat. That took the power out of the fight.
I
no longer had the need to defend my mother. My
mother validated me. As I looked at her, even though
she was fat, that didn't stop me from loving her. She is
my mother, regardless of her size. I no longer allowed
other children to push my buttons or to tease me.
They could say what they liked and it made no
impression on me.

I used to act like a
yo-yo, up and
down, up and
down. I used to
react to anything
the other children
would say. But
nowI went
from
reacting to
responding.
I knew that I would no longer allow my peers to take
charge of me. I started to take charge of my emotions
and how I dealt with issues at that age.

I can take the power out of whatever someone might
say.

"Hey, Pat, your momma is so
fat."

"You are right, she is fat. And
it seems like my momma is
getting bigger and bigger
every day."


"Uh, no, you’re supposed to be
cracking with me!"

I have taken the power out of it. I am no longer going
to allow you to have me going off, acting like I'm crazy,
acting like I'm losing it. I'm no longer losing it. Fat is
only a word.

Man, please, can we move on
to something else? I'm no
longer going up and down like
a yo-yo, so don't come back to
me with that.

This student in Curitiba, Brazil, wants to exchange email
messages with students in the USA. Cultural interaction is part of
the LASSIE system (see Appendix 3, page 118) for student
success.


Comment by a teacher:
Pat took the power out of the fight. As a teacher, I
respect courage in my students, when they get that
power, when they find out for themselves that they
don't have to react. Pat learned how to respond.

The Difference between Reacting and
Responding
There's a big difference. Ninety-nine times
out of a hundred, you are reacting to something in the
past. Something happened and you responded to it
the way you responded to something similar a year or
two before. Let me give you an excellent exercise:

Exercise
Think about a time when you were very angry. Allow
yourself to get the same feeling the last time you got
so angry. Get in touch with that feeling.

Go to a past event in your life when you had that same
feeling. Get a vision and see what you see. That's
where the anger is coming from. The anger today is
coming from the past and some event that happened
back then. that was then, this is now. Allow yourself


to come into the moment, deal with what you need to
deal with and recognize that the past is not done with.
if I continue to react to something in the past, then I'm
not done with it. By stepping into the moment, it gives
me another option. I can choose to respond to the
present (to the current situation), not to something
from a past event.

I often say to myself, "I know where that is coming
from." It puts me in charge of that, not it in charge of
me.

Here's another point: we learn to rely on our inner
strengths. I can do this, says the child.

Notice this about your self-talks. We talk to ourselves
more than we talk to anyone else. Notice this angry
self-talk: "I don't know who he is, but he doesn't know
me.
He doesn't know what is going on. I'm not going to
accept his view of who I am. I'm going to show him."

Imagine seeing some of your peers at the bus stop. I
can boost myself to become angrier with my negative


self talk. I've giving myself a mission to go off. Do
you notice it?

What's behind all of this? My fear. How can I change
my self-talk? What can I say to myself to change my
feelings in the moment?

Listen to this positive self-talk: "Phew. This is not
the end of the world. What other options do I have?
How can I do this differently? Do I have to shout at this
person who is saying bad things about me?

What do I need to do for myself right now? how do I
take charge of just me? I sure can't take charge of the
other individual. he's going to say whatever he wants
to say."

If the situation continues to bother me, I can ask
myself, "What other resources do I have? how can I
utilize some of my problem-solving skills? What is the
problem? Whose problem is it? What options do I
have? What could resolve this?"


If I come up with a solution and it doesn't work, I'll try
something else. You know what I'm going to tell
myself? This too shall come to pass. I'm going to
work this out. I'm going to work it out so I don't
have to become violent. Violence does not solve
problems. I will be assertive, not aggressive."

I need to be able to get my needs met. Let me get it
right in the middle between weak and aggressive. I
need to be assertive, I need to verbalize my needs
without blaming the other individual.

I need to take responsibility for what I say and what I
do. My actions can be congruent with what I say.
These are just are few of the interventions that I can
use. It starts with me.

These interventions are a beginning.

From a teacher:
Here's an example of what some of my students have
done.


Hey, Mr. Mac, remember how you told me I should
count to ten before I say anything? It really worked
yesterday. Somebody called me a really bad thing and
I was about to hit him. I thought, What's my option
here? By the time I got through counting to ten, they
had walked away, nobody knew what they had said,
and I didn't have to deal with the situation.

That's an example of an intervention that worked.

A short exercise
Get a piece of paper and some colored pens. Think of
a time when you were really angry. Feel what it was
like to be in that moment. Feel what it was like to have
someone say something to you. Draw that picture.
I'm not an artist, but I know how to make stick figures.
I'm going to draw the other person and me, I'm going
to show where the incident took place, and I'm going
to write down exactly what happened.

As you follow those steps, make sure to get in touch
with those feelings that you are having. Look at those
emotions that surface while you are in the process of
creating the scene. Make sure that in this scene you
include everybody that was involved. Include yourself.
Get in touch with those emotions that you are having.
Take some time out to really get in touch with what is
going on.

Then turn your sheet over and draw a picture of the
happiest moments in your life when you were laughing
out of control.


3
Break the Cycle

Summary for Parents

A poem can get to the heart
of the matter

Can we resolve conflict without yelling,
shouting, putdowns or exerting force?

By Tommy Rahill

Hey, you, break the cycle

Break the cycle
What am I talking about?
Who am I talking to?

I’m talking to the men and women out there who’ll know
what I’m saying.

Your father didn’t treat you well.

He wasn’t there for you.

He was a little rough on you or maybe worse.

It might not have been your father, someone else maybe.

Perhaps it was a neighbor, a friend, a relative, a complete
stranger.


It might have been your mother
Or both parents.

Life’s not always fair.

How many millions of people heard that!

It’s your turn now.

What are you going to do ?

The same &$%*^%?! thing that happened to you?

Break the cycle!

Little hurt boy inside,

Little hurt girl inside
Break the cycle!

Your kids deserve it, your spouse deserves it
You deserve it.

Whatever it is, whoever you are

Break the cycle.

Mentors outside Downtown Academy


4
“Do You Manage Your Anger,
or Does Your Anger Manage
You?”

Summary for Parents

Anger is a tool. It’s a signal.

Can we use the signal or does
the signal “turn us on”?

Can we use anger to resolve
conflict by looking at options?

Perform your understanding: In the spaces below,
you will be asked to select a word or phrase to fill in
the blank.

Does anger ___________ or do you manage
anger?

Segment
Question 1: Does anger __________? Anger 2 Set
a. excite you the ground
b. make you feel alive rules
c. manage you


00:31 I'm going to always ask for what I need. Are
you with me? I'm going to ask for your cooperation.
I'm here to have a good time. Before I leave here
today, if you don't know about your own anger and
your anger cues and what triggers you, you're going
to know that. We're going to talk about taking
charge of the person that you can take charge of.
And that's ________.

I want you all to participate. I'm going to do this
with respect. Everybody's going to be heard
because everybody's got something important to
give. I think I've set the tone for this time together.
Let's get started.
segment ends at 1:44

Question 2: Pat wants you to take charge of ______
a. your mother
b. your friends
c. you

7:40 Segment Anger 3 Boosters
I want you to go to the last time when you were
angry.
Are you with me? We do something, don't we?
Before we get angry, we get hurt. Right?
We have a self talk, don't we? I start telling myself
something
I don't like what she did. She shouldn't have done
that to me. She said this and she knows I don't
appreciate that. I'll show her.

Do you know anything about boosters?
Do you hear how I'm boosting myself? What am I


giving myself permission to do? I give myself
permission to ___________.

Question 3: When I boost myself, I give myself
permission to __________
a. eat sardines.
b. hide
c. let out my anger. I convince myself that I am right
and the other people are wrong.

Is it positive or negative? Everything is negative.
Even though I'm mad, what is behind that mask?

Behind that mask is fear. When I walk around with
a frown, I'm saying, "stay away from me, don't
come near me"
end 10:25

start 10:30 Segment Anger 4 Consequences
All of those are negative self talks.
Watch the difference in what I'm going to do. I'm
going to have a positive self talk with myself.

I have no control over what people say. This
doesn't mean that this is the end of the world. What
other solutions are there?

Notice what I said. Solutions.

I'm looking to ___________ problems. Notice
that when you feel that you don't have an out, you
start to feel that your back is up against the wall.


Question 4: I'm looking to ______ problems.
a. create
b. run away from
c. resolve or fix or solve

What I need to ask is if I fight, what's going to
happen? There are consequences. Can I afford to
deal with those consequences? Most of the time, no.

It's time to use your problem solving skills. I don’t
care where we go.
Remember this: We attack problems, we don't
attack people.
12:14

12:20 Segment Anger 5 Sit Down
"Cracking" is setting me up for a fight.
As soon as you hit me below the belt, as soon as you
push my buttons, then I'm going to react. What did
I not do
I didn't think. Instead of reacting, what do I need
to do?
I can compromise, I can have a positive talk with my
self.
I can think
we're always looking for _________________


Question 5: When I have a positive self-talk, I am
looking for _______________
a. a fight
b. an escape
c. options and solutions

I can tell myself to sit down. I need to take charge
of just me.

start 20:10 Segment Anger 6 Displaced Anger
Let's talk about displaced anger. There's a
possibility that I might be angry before I left home.
I come to school and I bring it with me. You are so
innocent, you don't know what's happening. "What
are you doing, looking at me?"

If I own it, I can learn from it, I can benefit from it.
"I do that!"
If you own it, you can control it.
I need to learn how to control it. I'm not letting out
over everybody else’s
problems.
Question 6
If I own it, I can ______ it.
a. avoid
b. sell Do I want anyone
c. learn from exploding on me? I
don't want it. It feels
like an attack.

It does not have to be about you. You do not own
other people's problems. Doesn't that make sense?
If it's between two young ladies, I don't have to get


in the middle of it.
But how often do we get in the middle?

start 23:55 Anger 7 I Know About Anger
Do you know why I know so much about anger? I
used to be anger, too!

I love managing my anger. I'm forever looking for
solutions. Are you with me? What else can we do?

Notice this about behavior: Whatever you do at
this school, it goes wherever you go. If you have a
problem, you _______________________

Question 7: If you have a problem, Pat Harris* says
that you ______
a. can give it to a friend.
b. can let your mother handle it.
c. can't walk away from it

I'm sad when I hear a parent say, "I'm taking my kid
out of that school, there are too many problems over
there."
If you don't try to solve the problem, it's going to
follow right behind you.
end 25:45

start 26:04 Segment Anger 8 The Hole
The story about the hole
Today I was walking down 3rd avenue, I saw a big
hole in the road. Then I fell in the hole. It's so dark
in here. Finally I got out.


the next day I walked down the same road. I fell in
the hole again. it's so dreary in this hole. I
struggled harder to get out.

The next day I saw the hole and walked around the
hole.

The next day, I ____________________t.

Question 8: In the story, the next day, the person (I)
decided to.... ______
a. dig another hole and fall into it
b. fall in the same hole again (because I missed being
down there)
c. go down a different street and avoid the hole

Sometimes, when the pain becomes so great and I
get sick of it, I'm willing to learn something new.
Ask for help. Instead of struggling and recreating
the same problem. Does everyone understand? It's
okay to ask for help.

Cooperation and working together as a team works.
Let me leave you with a reminder: Manage your
anger.

Anger cannot do any harm to anyone else but
________. It's what you do with it. Get in touch
with rage and where it’s coming from. Thank you.


Question 9

Anger cannot do any harm to anyone else
except...__________

a. your mother
b. your friends
c. you (if it's my anger, the only permanent harm
comes to me. If it's your anger, the permanent harm
comes to you)

For the complete audio recording, contact Pat
Harris. Pat Harris offers seminars and workshops
for teachers, professionals, parents and students
(during school and after school).

To participate in email exchanges with students who are learning
English, write to suzylimab@hotmail.com in Curitiba, Brazil.


5

Bullying: Taking Care of Just
You
A bully is someone who imposes his or her will on
another person.

Let's begin by examining how it gets started.
Let's look at power and control.

Summary for Parents

Bullying = abuse

Teasing and “ragging on”
younger or weaker people are
not “normal” behaviors.
Bullies do these things.

What is emotional abuse? Putting someone down,
making that person feel bad about him or herself.
Calling them names, making her or him think that they
are crazy, playing mind games. Humiliating the
individual or making the person feel guilty. that is all
about emotional abuse.

Does a person have to hit me to abuse me? No. The
emotional abuse eats away at the inner core of my
being.


Look for "Duluth Model" on the Internet.
For an Tom Graves Duluth"

batteredmen.com/duluwomn.htm

eurowrc.org/05.education/education_en/15.edu_en.htm

massey.ac.nz/~kbirks/gender/viol/duluth.htm

Using Isolation (a personal story)
When I was in fifth grade, I was a bully. I didn’t think I
was a bully. I was doing what everyone else was
doing. In our class, there was a girl named Abby. She
wore yellow dresses when everyone else wore other
colors. She had little flowers embroidered on the
dresses. We thought this was silly. On top of that, we
all agreed that she was ugly. She had cooties. Each
one of us, agreed, without discussing it, that we're not
going to play with Abby. We controlled where she
could sit. If she was trying to join us, we made sure
that she wasn't part of the game. We limited her
involvement in our group.

I certainly didn't think that I was a bully. I was just
doing what the other kids were doing. It's taken me 35
years to realize that I was a bully. It helped to
become a teacher to become sensitive to these
isolating behaviors.

Did you ever use threats? "I will bust your eyes out."
Or I'll do something to hurt you. I'll tell you things like,
"Do you need this pen? I'll make sure you won't get it."

I'll even try to make you do things that I wouldn't do.
Sometimes older people use power and control to get
younger people to sell drugs. The younger children
won't be incarcerated and the older people push young


children to commit these crimes because "If you don't
do that, I will do this to you."

We are looking at items behind the Duluth model, part
of a system used in Duluth, Minnesota to deal with
physical violence or abuse against spouses. Some of
the topics include:

Using Intimidation. I call this the "negative
marketing campaign." When there's a marketing
campaign, the new product is introduced with a big
show. Perhaps there is a one-minute commercial and
millions of people see an apple in the logo.

Apple -- That's a funny name for a computer. After the
big ad campaign, the company can reduce the size of
their commercials. After many months, the company
just has to show its logo. A rainbow colored apple
logo makes people think, "Oh, that's a friendly
computer." I know that computer because of the long
advertising campaign.

Rock stars use marketing. They have a big show and
then eventually you just see their name in print and
you can imagine their music. A rock star who wears
just one glove leaves an impression in our minds.
Now, anytime we see a single glove, the rock star's
image comes to mind. We know who that is.

In the same minimal way, bullies build a marketing
campaign. By using intimidation, the bully can make
you afraid just by a look or gesture. The bully just has
to hint that he's carrying a weapon. "You know, I have
a knife in my bag." That's all he has to whisper and
instantly we can see the knife at our throat.

There's this image, the marketing is so powerful, and
the hint can get us using our imagination to get
intimidated. The typical bully is good at exerting
control over victims by continuing a negative
marketing campaign.


We know that once you start a campaign, you must
continue it to maintain the control over the consumer,
to continue to attract them. Just because you are well-
known today doesn't mean you should stop
advertising. The bully continues to advertise through
small looks. "Uh-UH-UH!" his eyebrow says. “Don't
move ahead. I’m first." Or a small flick of his hand
says, "Don't even think of having the last apple. That's
mine."

I'm going to talk about children who are used as
tactics.

When parents separate or get a divorce, the child
becomes the "in-between" or the "go-between" person.
When I go to visit with Daddy, I have to make sure I tell
him something about Mommy or whatever is going on
in that house, because I don't want Daddy to get angry
with me. So I’ll tell him whatever is going on at home."
then when the child returns home, the mother asks
what the child did at the father's house. "Then I tell
her whatever happened over at Daddy's house. Often
this begins the process of me feeling threatened. I
start to feel anxiety and I get upset when my mommy
says that she's never going to let me go over to my
father's house again."

The mother might say, "The only reason he has you go
over to his house is to find out What is going on with
me." How does the child feel when the mother says
this? The child starts to feel guilty. The child doesn't
realize that she's a pawn between her mommy and her
daddy. That's how children get caught in the power
and control process.

Minimizing, Denying and Blaming
How many people reading these words can admit that
they have been a bully? Do you minimize what you
did? Do you deny that you were a bully toward
someone? Do you blame on other students the bad
things that were done to your classmate? It's
important that we acknowledge our actions.


Do we minimize? "I hit him only one time."

"I hurt him just a little."

“It was his fault. That's why I hit him.”

“He got too close. if he hadn't come so close to me, I
wouldn't have hit him."

All three forms are a defense of my actions. To deny,
minimize and blame are defenses so I don't have to
take responsibility. If I don't accept what I said and
what I did, then I can't grow from the experience.
Denying, minimizing and blaming keeps me stuck.
They keep me in power and in control. behind this
mask is my fear. I need to feel in power and in control
and when things don't go right, it's your fault.

Using economic abuse
Using privilege
I noticed this power when I was part of the group in
fifth grade. I was in the group, so I had the privilege of
keeping someone out. I had the option of including
Abby in the group. I chose not to use that power
because I might risk being pushed out of the group. I
would be part of the group that likes Abby, that plays
with Abby. So instead of making the choice of not
being a bully, I chose to use my privilege of being
in the group to treat her like a lower person.

I made the decision that Abby can't cut in the line --
she's got to go to the end of the line. I can't do
something nice to help her define her role in the class.
I'm going to make sure that I define her as someone
who is lower. This was a use of my privilege of
position.

This situation shows how weak a bully is. That's the
surprise. There's a weakness in the bully . The bully
maintains his position through a constant marketing
campaign. Part of that campaign is to keep you, the
victim, from getting or keeping a job, from getting a
promotion, from getting attention from the teacher.


"We’re not going to let Abby use the best book, she
has to use the book with torn pages and the worst
cover."

You're really working to make Abby feeling "lesser
than." You want to keep her from being included. This
keeps her isolated and makes her the target. What is
the pay off? Does it make the bully feel important?
Does it make the bully feel included? Does the bully
feel better? I need to put you down so I can feel better.

That's how abuse tends to happen, when people don't
see each other as equals. When we consciously choose
to see you as "lesser than," that's when the judgments
come out. "You shouldn't be part of this." I started to
experience of not being a part of the group. I felt that
someone else is in charge. He's better than I am. I
started to have these feelings and thoughts, making
me sad and isolated. All of this results when power
and control is used….When powerful individuals come
together.

What happens when we remember that we have
options and choices? We can continue to be a bully or
continue to be victimized. It is more important that we
have interventions.

There are two enemies of the bully: strong self esteem
in the victim and information. The more people who
know about what the bully is saying, the more the bully
loses control of the situation. if there is a small
group that he controls, they can know about his
threats and intimidation and how he's isolating the
victim. however, if too many people hear about his
tactics, eventually the group of others see themselves
as potential victims and they speak up. "This is not
right," and they do something to intervene. The
enemy of the bully is information, whether it is video
or a recording or reporting to a teacher that bullying is
happening and the teacher gets involved. Perhaps the
principal gets involved and the parents get involved
and eventually the bully loses control. He has lost
control over who knows the information that he has


spread around. The intervention is non-violent. You
have not reacted with violence to the bully's violence.
You have responded by spreading the information.

Bullies are weak and they aim to keep you down as a
victim. If you suddenly believe that you have the right
to be sitting in that classroom, if you decide that you
have the right to be playing with others, you grab
control. If Abby had come over to any one of us and
said, "I would rally like to sit here because I'm part of
this class." Some of us would have tried to push her
away, but others might have said, Oh, I guess you are
part of the class. Abby's statement would have
weakened our participation as bullies in the group. It
was imperative that we all remind her that she had
cooties so that she would not develop a stronger self-
esteem.

Even in the workplace, we do not have to work in
hostile environments. We can promote safe
environments. We always have options. Many years
ago, parents used to say, "Stand up for yourself. If he
hits you, hit him back." I have not heard of violence
solving problems. Let's continue to look for other
options.

"You can't show that you are weak. You have to defend
yourself." Look where this attitude has taken our
society. Eventually you have to bring a gun to school
to stop the gang. is there any wonder in the wake
of Columbine, schools need to reduce bullying at
school. Yet, where does bullying come from?

it's not learned somewhere else, in the street or at
home. We've seen how to get things done -- we use
power and control. "I'm not hitting anyone" -- no, but
you are abusing them emotionally to control their
behavior. You are isolating.

We have to start with us.

Let's start with respect and affirm the other person.
Let's trust and support. When we come together as a


team, there is a tremendous amount of support. We
were not created to live alone and separate. When we
accept responsibility for what we say and do, we can
communicate openly and honestly.

"When you do x, that hurts my feelings." This
promotes
understanding through
NO: communication. If we
“You are an idiot!” acknowledge each of
our gifts, we can share
NO: these gifts and
“Get out of my way!” strengths. Instead of
separating and dividing
YES: into groups, we can
"When you do x, that hurts work together. We can
my feelings." talk about equality,
fairness and resolutions
YES: to conflict. We accept
“I feel left out when you change and we are
do that.” willing to compromise.
It doesn't always have to
be my way. We can be
in the same room and we can compromise. Steve can
get his needs met and I can get my needs met and we
can accomplish something.

We want parents to display what we expect from our
children. In other words, we need to model what we
expect. this means not saying, "Don't do what I do, do
as I say." That statement goes back to power and
control. We are looking at equality. Children need to
be respected. Children may have solutions for solving
problems. We can come together as a family to
resolve problems. We're talking about change,
moving forward and letting go of the old learned
behavior. "This is the way my dad did it" is not
working for the family.

We're looking at the non-violent opportunities. Where
does bullying come from? It comes from learned
behavior. It starts at home. Let's think of an


example: Road Rage. When we are frustrated drivers,
stuck in traffic and we see someone cut in front of
us, we honk at him. "That makes me so angry!" What
message does this action and these words send to the
people riding with us? We're saying that that bad
driver is a bully and he's pushing himself in front
and I'm not going to get away with that! We respond in
a violent way by honking or chasing him down to write
down his license tag number. We throw up the
famous middle finger.

What does this do in ourselves? We have to think that
there is an option here. That's the central message of
this chapter: taking charge of just you. Take charge
of the only car that you can take charge of. That's the
car you are driving. this means taking charge of you
wherever you go.

There are non-violent opportunities. If you see
someone who is getting away with a smoking tailpipe,
his exhaust is going everywhere, don't get mad. Just
take down his tag number and call an office that
monitors emissions. there's a non-violent way of
responding. It's called building the case. Collect the
information.

in the same way, we can have a non-violent response to
the bully around us. We don’t have to become better
at judo or learn how to do martial arts or figure out
how to get a knife into school so we can threaten back
at the bully and push him away. We can expose the
bully and show his weakness.

There's showing respect. These are parts of the non-
violent domestic abuse project.

Negotiation is a form of non-violent resolution.
Imagine if Abby had said to me, "I know that you think
that I have cooties. However, I have this snack that I
know you like and you have apples that I like, so
maybe we can share snacks."


Being willing to compromise in some way, the victim
can take charge of the situation. If you can't run away
from the situation, think of some way that is non-
threatening to the bully. How about talking and acting
in a way to capture what the bully feels and fears?
This may be difficult to imagine, walking up to a bully
and talking with the person who is threatening you.
however, this is one of the non-violent options
available to you.

We have to think of people who tried to change a
system. Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., these people
decided that there was a non-violent way of engaging
with the bullies. Instead of feeling that we are isolated,
we can start inside ourselves. It starts by remembering
that the bully feels inadequate. That's why there is a
negative marketing campaign to make the bully feel
bigger. If the bully tries to exclude you, you can
reverse the situation by including the bully in your
world.

You can respond to bullying by taking charge of just
you.

Search these words on the Internet
The Duluth Model
The Non-Violent Options

More information is available at ResolveToHeal.com.
Please contact us with your suggestions at
talkinternational@yahoo.com.


6
After the Storm
This section comes from Pat’s collection of audio letters
on CD.

We tend to move toward the things that we
dwell upon, so let's think about good
things.

Summary for Parents

“The Storm” = any fight we
survive

The purpose of this letter is to
embrace change.

The hurricane.
It took us away from our main goals. We were stuck on
a detour and now it's time get back on the highway.
And not get back on the highway, doing things that we
used to. No, we have an opportunity to start doing
things with excellence. This is what I recall from my
schooling. One of my teachers told me:

Whatever is true
honorable
just


pure
lovely
of good report
think about these things

In this time of difficulty, when it is so easy to think
about the hurricane. The television is telling us, "We
have to think about this hurricane," let's think about
what is true
honorable
just
pure
lovely
and things of good report

You might want to think about these quotes.

Out of all that we think is bad, there is always good,
because God is in control. With all that has happened,
there has been some good. Just look for the good.
Mother nature does not discriminate. Ride up and
down the streets in your community and see it. There
is no discrimination.

Embracing change during and after the hurricane.
It's easier to embrace change than to fight and resist.
because then you are only fighting against yourself.
Life is about adapting and adjusting. Nothing stays the
same. Some things work for a while and later on they
don't work any more, so you try something new. We
have other options.

What works? What doesn't work? At some point in
our lives we have all had the experience of what
doesn't work. Sometimes we continue to do the same
thing over and over.


Ask yourself this question: What other options do I
have? How can I do this differently? What do I want to
accomplish? How do I speak to my child's heart? Not
to their mind, but to their heart. From my heart to
their heart. I can sure say what doesn't work. A lot of
screaming and repeating the same thing over and over
does not work.

Losing self-control for me as a parent does not work.
Often the child's goal is met because they've gotten
away and they are not accountable for what they have
done. Nor are you in a position to hold me responsible
or accountable. When I'm out of control, there is a lot
of drama that is taking place in my household. In
order for me to stop this, I need to think before I
speak.

When I see children at the schools all the time and they
are cracking, and sometimes we refer to our children
using bad names, that doesn't work. The only thing
that name calling does is to lower my self esteem and
start me to believe. I believe you because it's coming
from you mother, or it's coming from you, father,
because you are a significant other in my life.

Now, let's get to the big picture here. What really
works is you must realize that your children desire to
please you. I cannot do as a child everything that you
want me to do based on how you want me to do it.
Please look at my mistakes as opportunities to learn
and to grow. Please.

It is imperative that you begin to recognize the gifts in
me early on. They are there. My gifts are staring at
you, right in your face. Notice what I do and I do it
very well. Sometimes I've heard parents say, "Oh, stop
so much talking, boy!" But that same boy became a
newscaster.

Recognizing the strengths from within, focus on the
gifts. Reframe the negatives. Who needs those types
of words to remain in the environment? Ask yourself
the big question: Do I want remember this as a


parent? Is this what I want to give out? I don't. Even
after I have had my temper tantrum, I don't feel good
about this. I never felt good when my daughter and I
were having our temper tantrums. Just think about it.

It's like being in the sand and now I have to get up and
brush off all of these little grains of sand off of my
body. It doesn't feel good. when I have gone from the
position of being the parent to being on the same level
as my child and we're fighting with each other -- Forget
it! I'm not going back there. It doesn't work. I've been
there before and I know what's there.

This is about learning.
This is not about my child.
This is about me. I'm the
mentor, I'm the original
teacher. This is what really
works, when I recognize
who I am. From a mother’s
perspective, I carried my
child in the incubator. I
was the incubator, I am the
original teacher. now as
my child grows older, I am
no longer the parent. I
have become a parent-
consultant. I no longer tell
you what to do and how to
do it because the answers
are within you. And I no longer have the fear of you
making mistakes. That's how we learn. Make a choice
and be selective about the choices that you make.

It's okay to experience consequences, positive or
negative ones. I remember when I put my hand on the
fire, on the stove, on that hot burner. I guarantee you,
it worked. I never did it again. I'm not going back
there. No more. That's it, I'm done with that. I am
forever looking for new choices and options.

By the way, don't leave your child outside
of your decision making. "What do you


think about this? Give me your opinion."
There's one brain and then there's another
brain, and another brain, and there's more
options and choices.

It's like when we multiply.
Remember when we first
learned to multiply? I was
surprised when I go to my
five times five table. Oh,
wow, they're getting bigger!
Then I moved to 10 times
10. Ten times one is ten,
Ten times two is twenty, ten
times three is thirty.

You are your child's original
teacher.

The hurricane represents
together and unity. It has
been an eye opening experience to let us know what
we have. The hurricane really lets us know that we
can appreciate the small things. Tomorrow is not
promised to you.

Listen to this. I took no thoughts about my life, for my
father knows what I need before I ask. All is well.

Courage must come from the soul within,
The man must furnish the will to win.
So figure it out for yourself, my lad,
You were born with all the great have had
With your equipment they all began
Get hold of yourself and say "I can."

(a poem by Edgar Guest)

Thank you for focusing on positive thoughts.
We tend to move toward what we think about, so let's
think about good things.


-----------------------------------------
Sources
The good, pure, lovely quote comes from
the letter to Philippians

The “I Can” Poem is by Edgar Guest

The "think about good things" comes from
a fragment often quoted by Jeraldine Saunders.

We include an appendix with examples of recordings
by mentors. We created a web site called
MentorsonVideo.org where we post short videos and
audio messages by mentors. We ask four questions:

Suggested QUESTIONS to answer
1. What did you learn in school that you
still use today? (This answer shows
relevance.)

2. What do you wish you had learned in
school? Additional relevance plus a
suggestion to a teacher to include
something extra in a future lesson.)

3. Name one of your teachers. If you can
name the teacher, then something was
given by that teacher to you. What was it?
Honor that teacher by telling us why you
remember that teacher. (This shows an
important relationship)


4. Tell us about a book. What have you
read in the past ten years that you use
today? (This answer shows continued
learning -- and we are asking you for a
performance about what you took from the
book, a performance of understanding.)

These four elements convey qualities that we find
attractive. If you would like to be a mentor, please
contact us.

Here are some extracts from Mentors On Video

By Clarence McKee

Your life is this, a blank sheet of paper. You are going
to determine what you write on that paper in your life.
Nobody else will. You determine what you will be. It's
very important. No one else will. Remember Jiminy
the Cricket? When you wish upon a star, makes no
difference who you are.... what? Dreams come true.

If I can impress anything on you, other than "You are
the most important person in the world," then it's
"There's nothing more important than dreaming."


I don't mean when you go to sleep dreaming. Do you
have a dream about what you want to do? Where you
want to go? Never stop being a dreamer. Anyone who
got somewhere got there because of a dream. Thomas
Edison, Tiger Woods. Everybody dreams.

You know, you don't have to tell anyone about what
your dreams are. There will always be people who sit
around you and say, "Nah!" Those are the kind of
people you want to stay away from. People who tell
you what you can't do and why you can't do it. Go for
your dreams.

If you shoot for the moon, you might get halfway
there, and that's a long way. Dreams ... anything you
want to do, you can do it. You have time to prepare.

Thinking. Think,
think, think. Don't
be afraid to go off
alone and think.
read about famous
people, read
biographies, and
think about what
you read about.
My
hero is a guy
named Bill Paley,
he founded CBS.
When you read
about famous
people not only to
find out how they
became
successful. You
want to read about
famous people to find out all of the problems they
went through and the disappointments and the
tragedies that they had to overcome to keep going. My
friends, you are going to have times in your life when


you say to yourself, "To heck with this." You are going
to want to give up and say forget it. You are going to
have some rough times. That's part of life.

There's a saying: it's always darkest before the dawn.
The darkest time of the night comes just before
sunrise. You will find in your life, you will look back
and when you thought that things were bad and
horrible, the next day, I cannot get through this day,
the very next day something happens to change your
situation for the better. So
don't get depressed when
you get depressed. It's
natural. Things happen.

A scout is trustworthy, loyal,
helpful, friendly, courteous,
kind, obedient, cheerful,
thrifty, brave, clean and
reverent.

Let's say a few words about
teachers. There are three
categories of people who you
will never forget in your life.
Parents, grandparents and
teachers. These are
people who really care about you. I can recite to you
the names of five teachers that I know to this day and I
thank them for the confidence they instilled in me.
Miss Spence and Miss Mitchell, Coach Wallace.

You might remember some teachers in college, but the
teachers in middle school and high school really care
about you and you will never forget their names, once
you allow them to make an impression and once you
really listen to what they are saying. Go for it.

-- Clarence McKee
Lawyer, entrepreneur


A Mentor for Readers
I guess the thing I remember most about school is that
it gave me the discipline and I think it gave me
structure. Although I didn't always follow all of the
rules, I think the most valuable things I found in school
was my love of reading. I still read a lot, about a book
a week.

School also taught me about how to get along with
people. I served on a lot of committees, I was in a lot
of clubs, I was on stage a lot, I played the piano for the
chorus. School taught me a lot that was valuable in
later years. I have not used algebra much in my life,
despite being in business. The most important thing I
can do is add, subtract, multiply and divide. I can do it
faster than an adding machine, I can do it in my head.
I can estimate how much money I'm going to make
from a project or how much it will cost and I can tell
whether or not the project is effective or whether I'm
going to lost or make money. I can calculate how
much time the project is going to take and conclude
whether or not it is going to be practical. Those are
the things that I do well.

I have to say that I go full steam ahead because I am
passionate about it. I don't do anything just for
money. I do it because I enjoy it.

I've always loved reading. I remember that our teacher
asked our class who had gotten the farthest into the
book and it was me. She asked me to run an errand
for her.


It was quite a privilege in those days to run an errand
for a teacher, so I did and I came back and I finished
before anyone else in the class. I was extremely fast as
a reader. I really enjoy business books and Tom
Clancy books. I'm a how-to book reader and I create
how-to books. I like to put into action when I'm done
with a book three or four things that I've gotten from
the book.
-- Gayle Carlson
Entrepreneur, author

------------------------------------

Additional information about
MentorsonVideo.org
Mentors On Video is a program to allow
"ordinary humans' (non teachers) to visit
middle and high schools on video. You can go
to a "real" school and get videotaped. Or you can ask
for someone to video you. My production company,
McCrea Educational Archives, sells video training
for FCAT preparation, SAT preparation, training for
teachers and "how to read better". All of this training
is placed on DVDs and CDs and there is often an extra
100 or 150 Megabytes on the CD or DVD.


What to do? Put some videos of Mentors on the CD.
Free. Your donation of your time will be returned by
having your voice and/or image shared with dozens of
students.

Students tend to watch a CD if they are told that it is
not required. "Hey, maybe this is the new Pirates of
the Caribbean DVD." Sometimes they are bored,
sometimes they are hooked. The idea of the mentor
isn't to appeal to EVERY students, but rather to hijack
at least one student from the reverie induced by
surfing on the Internet or playing with an Xbox
game.

Why is it important for you to become a
mentor?
Let's start with a "mystery quotation." Who said this?

“Successful schools are built on
the new three Rs: Rigor –
making sure all students are give
a challenging curriculum that
prepares them for college or
work.
Relevance – making sure kids
have courses and projects that
clearly relate to their lives and
their goals. Relationships –
making sure kids have a number
of adults who know them, look
out for them, and push them to
achieve.”

Small Schools
“The three Rs are almost always easier to promote in
smaller schools. The smaller size gives teachers and
staff the chance to create an environment where
students achieve at a higher level and rarely fall
through the cracks. Students in smaller schools are


more motivated, have higher attendance rates, feel
safer, and graduate and attend college in higher
numbers.”

Who said mentioned these words in a speech to the
nation's governors in February 2005?

Answer: Bill Gates

=======================
Thomas Friedman points out in his book about "The
World Is Flat" that it is difficult to put up walls to
protect jobs. Instead, Friedman recommends

a) INNOVATION,
b) BETTER EDUCATION
c) Freedom from dependence on oil by
developing alternative fuels (the second
moon shot)

Sure, a moon shot, just like the 1960s. We paid the
taxes and the scientists worked to put twelve people
on the moon. But it's not just scientists during this new
moon shot. Not this time. Innovation takes place
throughout the economy and innovative smart
business practices are needed to support the technical
innovations.


Instead of the rest of us just looking on and watching
the Moon Shots, we non-scientists can:
1. Get involved as mentors in schools
2. Get energized by working as free agents
3. Develop our right brains and see the
bigger picture
4. Work with Bill Gates to get smaller
schools where Rigor, Relevance and
Relationships are developed more
thoroughly than in big schools.
5. Continuing education. As mentioned by
Dan Pink in Free Agent Nation and A
Whole New Mind, we will need to continue
training to get up to speed about what is
coming next.

If you wish to participate, please contact me. Make
your own video using a digital camera or call me and
I'll arrange for someone to video you.

Steve McCrea
954 646 8246 954 OH MUCHO
SteveEnglishTeacher@hotmail.com
MentorsOnVideo.org


7
Ten Ways to Extend Your
Child’s Education
Hello, Reader,

We have found that many parents take quite an interest in Pat
Harris’ message about anger management. Obviously she’s
hitting a chord, ringing a bell and hitting a note with people when
she asks:
“Does anger manage your kids or do your kids
manage their anger?”
Part of her
message is on
a video that is
available on a
CD (you can
view it on a
computer).
The questions
are helpful for
kids. The
audio letters on
her web sites
(www.Pat-
Harris.com),
when listened
to by parents
and child
together, help
to gently raise issues that families often avoid.
Pat Harris, a family thearpist, has a list of ten points to help extend
education – and this booklet is your opportunity to “ask the right
questions” (as Bill Mayer suggests on billmayer.com). Share this
list with a child in your life.

Are you ready to share responsibility for your child’s
education? We’re talking about more than just the
academic schooling of this future adult who is under your
care. Let’s take this journey step by step:


1. What is your child's learning
style? There are many ways of taking in information
and many ways to express what we have learned. The
Internet has several surveys to help you and your child
find out the method(s) your child uses to learn.

Audio: Does your child prefer to hear new information
rather than read it? Can your child hear you once and
“get it” (with your needing to repeat your request)?

Musical: Does your child learn facts more quickly with
rhythm? Most of us learned the alphabet with the
alphabet song.

Internal or Introspective: Does your child prefer to
work alone? Does your child like to write?

Interactive and Social:
Does your child learn by
talking a subject over with
a classmate? Does your
child enjoy working with
a group?

3-D, Visual and
Numerical: Are numbers
easy for your child to
remember? Does your
child remember a phone
number “because it’s easy to see the pattern”? Can your
child draw a three-dimensional figure like a pyramid or
box?

Active: Does your child learn by doing? “Just let me
figure it out myself” without reading the instructions?


ADHD: Attention Deficit Hyperactive “disorder” is
really a variable attention ability (VAA), since many
students with ADD can stay focused on something that
interests them. Does your child have variable attention?
That’s a gift, too.

2. Does your child have a
library card? Good -- use it. Introduce your
child to the library. Know where to find the references
and the sources of information. You need that library
card number to use the Electronic Library at
flelibrary.org. Do you set an example by visiting the
library and using your library card?
At the Broward Main Library

Many people haven’t been in
a library since graduating
from high school or college.
Not having a college degree
is not a reason to avoid a
library. Peter Jennings, the
news anchor for ABC news
(who recently died from
cancer), never completed college, yet he read voraciously 3
throughout his life. Jennings showed all of us how to
take information from a book and apply it to our daily
lives. In addition to reading widely, he wrote books
“with just a high school diploma.”

Here’s how to demonstrate the power of a library to a
child:

Step 1: I went onto the Internet and looked up Peter
Jennings to find an example of a book that he had
written.


Step 2: I searched for a review of his book and found the
following comments in a web log:

“My family is a great fan of his television program
World News Tonight, and I was honored to receive
his excellent History book (The Century for Young
People), which I enjoyed reading greatly. It is filled
with interesting facts and interviews with people who
have experienced the actual events. It is the
greatest book I have read, and if you know of any
young people, you should
make sure to get the book
for them. “ Adora Svitak

Step 3: I went to the library
and found the book. I didn’t
check it out, but I looked at it
for 30 minutes. Spending time
with a book can be as
important as actually reading
it.

Step 4: I have an “I want to remember this” notebook.
I write important notes in my IWTRT notebook.

You, too, can interact with a library. Adjust your visit to
the learning style of the child. An active learner can be
shown how to look up articles from 50 years ago. What
did the newspaper print on December 7, 1941?


A visual learner needs magazines and things that can be
manipulated and moved. Some libraries have kits for
math that students can use to demonstrate geometry to
themselves.

If your child is a social learner, then visit the library
during a book reading, where other kids are sitting in a
circle listening to one of the many workshops given at
the library (which is more than just a place to store
books).

If your child is a quiet or introverted learner, let your
child select a quiet place to sit with books chosen for an
undisturbed session of “just looking.”

In short, just showing up at the library is just the first
step. You act as a role model for your child in how to
immerse yourself in the resources available at the library.

3. What example do you set for
your child? Do you look at life as a series of
problems or opportunities? Is the glass half-empty or
half-full? Lemons or
lemonade? Show
your child how to
react to a gray day.
Do you have a
Positive Mental
Attitude?

(This includes the
example you set as an


adult, as an uncle, an aunt, a grandparent or as a neighbor
or a person in line at the post office.)

1. Do you ask out loud, “How can I learn from my
situation?” Does the child hear you turn
mountains into anthills? Here’s a suggested
“reframing” or self-talk: Is it really a problem?
Well, it’s just what it is. It’s a situation. It doesn’t
have to consume me.
2. It happened yesterday. All I have is right now,
not yesterday or tomorrow.
3. Could I do anything different today? I sure can.
The choice is mine. To take charge of my
thinking, my situation and my actions.
4. Life is a process. Self-talk: “I am still learning
and growing. My children know that I make
mistakes and I let them make mistakes.” I use
words like “I’m sorry,” and “forgive me.”
5. Excuses are not helpful. Blaming someone else
does not help me. Self-talk:
“A mistake is an
opportunity to learn.”
When we blame someone
else or give excuses, we
miss an opportunity to learn.
6. Give examples of
encouragement. When I
“help” another person
“because he doesn’t know
how to get out of the hole he
dug for himself,” I am
enabling or DISabling the
person. Don’t do anything
for the children that the
children can do for themselves. (Maria Montessori said
that.) Dependency doesn’t promote good self-
esteem.


Here are some samples of “words of encouragement”:
“Try it again.” “How can you do it differently?”
“You’ve got the idea. Keep going.” “What does
that word mean to you?” When a child is stuck and
says “I don’t know how to explain it,” you can say,
“Give me an example.” These words will encourage
a child to “perform her understanding.”

4. Focus on your child's
intentions. Instead of being critical, comment on
the action. If your child surprises you with a toasted
sandwich to welcome you home after work, don’t point
out that the bread is burned. Say, “How thoughtful of
you to prepare something for me. Can you show me
how you did it?” (then you can see what your child did
incorrectly). “The next time, check the setting of the
toaster, but I’m so happy that you thought of me.”


5. Accept the fact that we are
all teachers. Don't blame the school for gasps
that you see in the education of our youth. When was
the last time you volunteered to speak to a class of
middle school students? We are mentors. We can each
participate – and your child will notice that you care
about what happens in the school. Even a patient with a
serious disease takes charge of her condition by asking
questions and looking for the right treatment. If her
relationship with her doctor is not positive, she works to
fix it or she has the right terminate services and get
another doctor. If your relationship with a school isn’t
working, you can fix it or find a school that meets your
child’s needs. For
example, do you
know what Bill
Gates says about
schools today? (It’s
about the 3 Rs and you
as a mentor to bring
relevance and
relationships into
schools.) You can find out at
WhatShouldStudentsLearn.com.

6. Encourage your child to talk
about his or her frustrations.
Validate their feelings. Remember to use the “I”
statement. When your child says that a “former” friend is
a [negative label], ask the child to reframe and make it
personal: “I feel [hurt, isolated, lonely, left out] when my
friend [laughed at me, didn’t invite me to the party,
etc.].”


7. Keep the door open to
communication. But don't force your kids to
talk to you. If you make time to listen, someday your
child will come with a problem. Instead of saying
“Can’t this wait?” or “You waited until NOW to tell me
this?” you can “reframe” or restate the situation:
“Honey, I’m ready to give you my full attention. What’s
on your mind?”

8. Take a time out before you have a
temper tantrum. What’s your anger cue? What is your
method for handling your fear (which is behind the
anger)? Be a model to your child about how to handle
disappointment.
7

9. Expose your
children to
different cultures.
Visit museums and street fairs in
different neighborhoods. It helps
your child to accept differences.
We live in a salad bowl. Show
your child that you are continuing
to learn new things about other
cultures and that your preconceptions are sometimes
inaccurate or lacking information. Another culture is less
threatening when we know the food and art of that
culture.


Are you depending on schools to do the work of
introducing children to other cultures? Have you seen
the pressures on teachers and principals to meet new
academic standards? It’s pretty difficult, so the power is
in your hands. You’re one of the adults in the child’s
life. It’s okay to accept differences. We can learn. We
can discover that red onions and bell peppers taste great
in my salad, but reed onions alone are a bit strong.
When I have them in my salad, they enhance the taste.
Drive into different communities. Look for similarities
and the big question: What do we have in common?

Ask the right questions. There is power in asking the
right questions.
Why do I reject things? Why? Because I haven’t given
myself permission to try something new or to accept the
possibility that there are other ways to do what I do.
There are several roads up to the mountain top, not just
my path. But until I accept that, I don’t’ want to allow
my family to go on any other path – it wouldn’t be safe!
Let’s have a new experience at least once a week. If you
feel scared, embrace the fear and honor the experience.


10. Allow your children to
make decisions. Anytime you do something
for a child that they can do for themselves, you are
disabling your child. This means “allow your child to
make mistakes and
learn from them.” It
would be so much
easier for you to do
something for your
child so your child
doesn’t feel the
embarrassment and
pain of making a
mistake. It is often
more stressful for you to stand back and watch your child
stumble, but your child will learn by doing.
Go to MathForArtists.com for math help
Overcome fear at ResolveToHeal.com
Get a new look at history at WhatDoYaKnow.com
Learn a new way of learning at LookForPatterns.com
Visit Pat-Harris.com for free audio letters

Teach your child how to ask for help. Resources are
available. This is how you get your needs met. If there’s
a situation, there has to be a solution. (Isn’t that a nice
“self talk”?). Teaching problem-solving skills to your
child…and demonstrate how to approach a problem. Let
your child see you confused, talk about your doubts and
then how you “self-talk” yourself into a positive mental
attitude. What is the problem? Whose problem is it?
What options do I have? Allow the child to explore what
works and find out what doesn’t work.

Consequences can be positive or negative.
Life is about choices and decisions (not just about
avoiding risk or struggling to maintain everything “just
the way it was”).


I read, therefore I get more information, therefore I think
and know that things change. Almost nothing remains
the same.

It’s important as a parent
that I focus on the Big
Picture – yes, grades are
important, school is
important, but life skills
are more important. I
need to promote growth
and development instead
of reacting. I am
responding to modeling.
How can I regulate or
take charge of JUST ME?
“I am operating in love or
fear – it’s a choice. I
choose love.”


Conclusion
Eight of these actions are non-academic, but -- surprise! Your
child's grades will improve. Following these guidelines will lead
your child to develop a strong emotional foundation. Your child
will feel good and will have positive self esteem (built over years
of effort).

To find a survey of learning styles on the Internet, search
“learning styles worksheet” or go to
MathForArtists.com and scroll down to Learning
Styles.

Therapists are often observed to be “giving advice.”
A lot of therapy actually comes from asking questions
like “How does that make you feel?” and “What do you
want to change in your thinking?” and “How do you
want to reframe that?” and “How could you do that
differently?”

This booklet is not new information to you. You know it.
That’s why it looks like good advice.


Anger Management: A set of questions for
students and parents
Use this list with the Anger Management 8-minute video
What are your answers to the questions on the video?

1. Does anger manage you or do you manage anger?

2. What do we do with anger?

3. Do we displace anger?
Do we get angry at home and then bring our anger to school?

4. What is your anger cue?
What do you feel on your body when you get angry?

5. What is our “Self Talk”?
What do we tell ourselves?
What did you tell yourself the last time
you got angry?

6. Give an example of a Positive Self
Talk.

7. What’s behind the anger? **

8. What is the source of the fear you are
feeling?

9. What does Pat say in the fifth
minute?
It’s time for ______to t______
c________ of _____.

10. In minute 6: I b________ it ______ to ____

11. What’s the next step? Minute 6:30, we f_____ on a s_____.

12. What happened when Pat “tried” to pick up the stapler?
**Hint: (There’s fear and we try to hide that fear)
In the “More Technology” section, what tips did you discover that
are useful to you? Perform your understanding by calling 954 646
8246


When your child says, “I don’t have any
homework...”
When your child says, “I finished my
homework…”
Visit these web sites:
ResolveToHeal.com and click on “100 Museums”

EXTRA ACTIVITIES
www.LookForPatterns.com (when you are
finished with homework – time for more!)
www.infoplease.com/homework (lots of
categories to explore)
www.thebeehive.org click on “SCHOOL”
in the left hand margin “Homework
Help”
school.discovery.com/students/ Lots of
activities from the Discovery Channel
http://www.factmonster.com/ Big green
screen with many categories
www.BuildingInternationalBridges.com
(to learn about interesting cultures) Get an
email account with a disposable service
like yahoo or hotmail to participate

OTHER LANGUAGES
Spanish.about.com a general web site for learning Spanish
Italian.about.com A general web site for learning Italian
http://www.homeworkspot.com/middle/foreignlanguage/ links to other
sites

SCIENCES
http://www.homeworkspot.com/middle/science/ help for Science
homework
http://quizhub.com/quiz/quizhub.cfm Quizhub.com lots of fun and
education
http://www.refdesk.com/homework.html a useful gateway to a variety of
web sites

SOCIAL STUDIES www.History.com (of course!)
www.nationalgeographic.com (for social studies)
www.WhatDoYaKnow.com A site created by a Social Studies teacher in
Palm Beach County.
http://www.bpl.org/kids/socialstudies.htm Boston Public Library’s page
for Kids (fun)
http://www.socialstudies.org/ National Council for Social Studies
www.eduref.org/cgi-bin/res.cgi/Subjects/Social_Studies for teachers.


Did you ever wonder where teachers learned so much?
www.Geographyolympics.com They created a world puzzle.

Lifetime Transitions and Anger Management
www.Pat-Harris.com (audio letters are available for you to download
and hear)

READING Practice reading on these sites.
http://www.ncte.org/middle/topics/content/117565.htm National Council
for Teachers of English has a book list
www.snopes.com Read about urban legends and find the truth.
www.gutenberg.org Over 10,000 books online (FREE)
http://www.refdesk.com/homework.html More Homework Help
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Olympus/1333/kids.htm For kids who
love books
http://nancykeane.com/rl/ Book lists to give
you ideas about what to read next!
SEARCH on “reading for middle school”
Middleschoolhub.org a collection of
interesting quizzes Quia.com more
quizzes

MATH
www.algebra.com (for general help with
math)
www.mathForArtists.com (an artistic and
visual way of learning about math) Click
on “challenging problems” for interesting
math exercises.
math.com/ Good pages for review
www.number2.com (for advanced math training)
nctm.org (the National Council for Teachers of Math)
www.RetireThePenny.org A math exercise
Take the Middle School Math Challenge figurethis.org/index40.htm

Test Your Math Skills (requires Shockwave plug-in)
timssonline.cse.ucla.edu/index02.htm
Internet Math Library http://mathforum.org/library/
Math Counts-Math for Middle School http://206.152.229.6/
Franklin Institute-Open Ended Math Problems for Middle School
Students sln.fi.edu/school/math2/index.html
Ask Dr. Math http://forum.swarthmore.edu/dr.math/

Do you have other web sites that you enjoy? Send your suggestions to
mistermath@comcast.net  All of these links are active on
TeachersToTeachers.com.


8
Five Things that might
help a parent
(Five Useful Things About How Your Child
Learns – new information about the brain)

Five Useful Things about the Brain
and How Your Child Learns
This chapter will be divided into sections that will include
some interesting materials. You are invited to read straight
through or to visit pages that you find interesting.

Go ahead, skip around the chapter and read what catches
your eye.

Five Things
1. Right and Left: the brain is divided in two parts. The
connection between the two sides makes a big difference:
do you have a thick or thin connection? Girls and boys
really do learn differently. Shouldn’t they be taught
differently?

Michael Guerlain and his institute for learning differences…

The Brain Game by Dr. Nancy Snyderman

Do you want to learn something fascinating?

When Lori and Rich Boulware of Kendall Park, N.J., hit the road
recently, their navigational radars were tuned into different
frequencies. Rich used a mental map, while Lori used landmarks to
get around. As the couple tried to get around a tricky area of town,
Rich said, "Turn left on Webster," while Lori said, "You have to
turn before the ice cream cone."
Dr. Helen Fisher, an expert in gender differences, says the


Boulwares are not unusual in their navigational skills. "Women go
from one object to another. … A man will say, go two miles down
the road and then head east. That's very different from saying go
down to the shoe store and take a left at the high stone wall."
--transcribed from the TV broadcast called “The Brain Game”

The program covered the following topics:

a) Young girls talk about
relationships at school. "I
know who was whose best
friend today and who fought
with who and what boy likes
who.” Boys don’t have
much interest in that stuff.

b) What is the reason for the
differences in brain
function? As the program
asks, “Is it our biology or
our culture?” Male brains
have a structure that
transfers information
quickly within each side of
the brain. Boys tend to be
able to throw and catch objects and see objects flip in three
dimensions.
Female brains have more neurons than male brains in the
areas connected to language, judgment and memory. No
wonder female students generally handle information so
effectively!

c) There’s a connection between the two sides of the brain
called the corpus callosum. It’s like a highway in the
female brain and a dirt road in a male brain. This means
that women can manage several kinds of input at the same
time. Many women can speak, listen and write
simultaneously. Men are less able to multitask and are
uncomfortable writing and listening at the same time.
Generally female students will be bored doing one thing at
a time.


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