Examines how the English language can be unwittingly manipulative. And while we think we're communicating clearly, we are subtly hurting each other. This is most true when arguing or disagreeing. Learn some of the bad patterns of speech and the armaments we use during our wars (arguments!). Learn how to spot them so you can then take the high road and partner with each other to develop solutions that suit everyone.

1. Making Disagreement Productive

2. About me:
Susan H. Peterson, MA/MFT, CAC II candidate
BA – English, Western New England University, Springfield, MA
MA – Counseling, Argosy University, Denver, CO
20+ years working in IT, ending as a Project Manager for benefit enrollments with
Hewlett Packard.
Did a career change and in 2011, opened my own counseling services agency.
Owner/Therapist at Rocky Mountain Peace Path, LLC
409 S. Wilcox Street, Ste. C-9
Castle Rock, CO 80104
609-558-2949 / www.rmpeacepath.com

3. Why do we fight?
• We characterize fighting as an activity related to the emotion of Anger.
• Anger is often considered to be a more socially acceptable expression of
less acceptable emotions:
• A man may be judged poorly if he shows fear, so he fights
• A school child may have low self-esteem and so will act out or bully
others
• One spouse may berate the other spouse because they are anxious
over money
• We also fight because we feel strongly about our view on a topic and have
a very strong emotional need to be heard.

4. What complicates the situation?
• Much of our communication is designed to get what we want, but not
necessarily in a nice way.
• The English language can be very manipulative.
• Our society encourages individual needs and fulfillments, resulting in
entitled attitudes.
• What we intend to communicate is not always what is heard or understood.
• Sometimes life just moves too fast and we miss opportunities to fix things
right the first time.

5. Much of our communication is designed to get what we want, but not necessarily
in a nice way.
Try to think of anything you do from which you get no benefit. We don’t do
anything, including talk (or argue!) without some purpose.
• Eat
• Drink
• Sleep
• Have sex
• Work
• Exercise
• Break the law
• Argue
• Hurt others
• Etc.

6. Much of our communication is designed to get what we want, but not necessarily
in a nice way.
Example 1
When we go to a restaurant, wait staff are trained to give us a polite greeting,
ask “How may I help you?” and say “Thank you.”
We say “I want” and “Give me.”
Yet we base our tip on their politeness.
Example 2
When someone suggests something (a movie), we often give the “yeah, but…”
response if the recommendation doesn’t suit us.

7. The English language can be very manipulative.
Choosing your words!
• Is choosing your words a good idea?
• Is it seen as being calculating?
Example 1
“Honey, I wanted to run something by you. You may or may not like the idea,
and it’s ok if you say ‘no’, but even if you do………”
Example 2
“ Honey, I’d like your input on something.”

8. Our society encourages individual needs and fulfillments, resulting in entitled
attitudes.
But isn’t it a good thing to support individuals meeting their needs and finding
their own fulfillment? YES!
Doing so to the detriment of others is NOT. We live in a society, implying the
existence of others and a mutual benefit from that.
Example 1
Parent: “I’m sorry, I just can’t pay for the damage you did to your car.”
Teen/Young Adult: “ You guys insisted I get a job and a car so you have to pay if
you want me to keep the job!”

9. What we intend to communicate is not always what is heard or understood.
Example 1
Child to his parents: “I hate you!! You always say no!”
In this case, we understand that because speaker is a child, they are most likely
expressing frustration rather than true hatred of the parents.
Example 2
Spouse 1 to Spouse 2: “I’m not going to see that movie. It’s a stupid kids
movie!”
Spouse 2 may hear: “You must be pretty immature!”
In this case, criticism of the movie choice is received as a personal criticism.

10. Sometimes life just moves too fast and we miss opportunities to fix things right
the first time.
How many of you have been able to stop and clear up an issue with someone
before it explodes, or worse, festers for a long time?
Example 1
Spouse 1: “No way can you manage the checkbook! Remember that time you
bounced a check?” Spouse 2: “That was 20 years ago! I can’t believe you’re still
on that!”
Example 2
Spouse 1: “I forgave my spouse for cheating on me all those years ago, but who
can blame me for getting angry when s/he is talking to someone gorgeous?”
Bringing things up repeatedly is an indication that there is still work to be done
to resolve the issue.

11. So What Kinds of Things Do We Fight About?
1. Small things left undone around the house – didn’t refill the toilet
paper (or worse, put it on the wrong way!), a coffee mug left in the
sink, dirty socks not in the hamper, lights left on in an empty room, etc.
2. Screen time – what shows to watch, who gets the remote control,
spending too much time on the TV, video gaming, computers
(Facebook, etc.)
3. “Me” time – when people come together as a couple, they often
spend as much time as possible together. The reality is that there’s a
certain amount of healthiness in taking time for yourself. After
spending so much time together, it can become difficult to swallow if
the other person wants a break from you! And if you’re on board with
that, it sometimes feels like the other person gets more of that “me”
time than you. (Waverman, 2013)

12. So What Do We Fight About? (cont.)
4. My family/your family – for couples, the person you are with usually
comes with a family and a family history. Balancing their family
relationship needs with your own (and vice versa) is usually easier said
than done.
5. Working too much – This could be one person in a relationship, both,
or a parent to a child. Whenever there is a relationship that feels the
lack of presence of someone, this can become a fight topic.
6. Parenting – Ideally, parenting would be a “team” sport, but some
decisions have to be made in the moment. Sometimes the “team”
members simply disagree on an approach or solution to a parenting
issue. (Waverman, 2013)

13. So What Do We Fight About? (cont.)
7. Sex (or lack thereof) - sexual intimacy can be a source of stress, especially if
the couple has mismatched levels of sexual desire, either naturally or because of
extenuating circumstances like stress, work, or illness. When a couple is fighting
about sex, even the simplest signs of affection become loaded with deeper
meaning.
8. Money! – Many people value money differently. One person may be a
spender and the other a saver. Decisions about large purchases or long term
financial pictures need buy-in from both partners - and differing values about
money can jeopardize your financial and marital future. (Waverman, 2013)
Etc….

14. Turning “fighting” into “healthy conflict”
How a person handles conflict will often determine how the other person reacts
or behaves.
In order to find successful resolution it's important that disagreements be
viewed as a process that needs care, respect and improvement and not as a
means to an end and not as an opportunity to win a fight.
Because emotions are typically rising as an encounter turns into an “argument,”
it becomes harder for the participants to refrain from using tactics that will give
them an edge in the conflict. We call these tactics “Dirty Fighting” tactics.
The more participants can refrain from these, the better chance they have of
being heard, hearing the other person, and resolving the conflict.

15. Rewriting the Dirty Fighting Tactics
1. Do not bully your partner.
2. Do not use "the atom bomb" (scream, explode or intimidate).
3. Do not assume your partner has made an unreasonable statement or
request.
4. Do not "mind-read," "psychoanalyze," jump to conclusions or make
assumptions.
5. Do not dismiss your partner’s statements.
6. Do not move the “goalpost” (switching the subject by using counter-
accusations (blaming) or creating diversions (distracting or changing subjects)).

16. 7. Do not bring up more than one issue or complaint at a time (known as
"kitchen sinking").
8. Avoid name calling or character assassination.
9. Avoid the self-pitying victim/numbers game ("just look how often I've ...").
10. Do not interrupt or talk over each other.
11. Do not blame or invalidate your partner for something she or he cannot
help or do anything about (parents were alcoholics, he or she was adopted,
etc).
12. Do not humiliate, insult, rub in old faults or make unfavorable comparisons
to others ("why can't you be more like Joe next door- he's a real man").
Rewriting the Dirty Fighting tactics, cont.

17. 13. Do not use "crazy-making" tactics such as trying to make your partner
doubt his or her own senses by denying the obvious, intentionally being
inconsistent, creating double meanings, using coded language the other
cannot understand, deliberately being unclear or generally making them
feel that they're "damned if they do, damned if they don't“.
14. Do not use exaggeration, sarcasm or ridicule or anything that will make
your partner feel like he or she is inferior.
Rewriting the Dirty Fighting tactics, cont.

18. Rewriting the Dirty Fighting tactics, cont.
15. Do not use “stone-walling” or giving the cold shoulder (silence, pouting,
ignoring). It's OK to find a safe corner to reflect or process the conflict but
walking away from you partner without an explanation of “I need a little
time to get myself under control” only serves to cut your partner off and
shuts down all communications.
16. Do not use the “Dirty Fighting List” as a dirty fighting tactic – It’s not
your job to point out to your partner when they’re using these tactics –
your job is to break yourself from the habit of using them!

19. Other tactics….
• If the fight is getting too serious for the topic, tell your partner “If you
want to continue this fight, you’ll have to do it with no clothes on!”
• Take note of the other person’s feelings during the fight. If there’s room
for an apology (“I’m sorry I said those hurtful things…..”) then do it –
leave the relationship better for having made it through.
• Suggestions for others???

20. Bibliography
Waverman, W. (2013, 05 09). MSN Lifestyle. Retrieved 05 09, 2013, from
MSN.com: http://lifestyle.ca.msn.com/love-sex-relationships/gallery.aspx?cp-
documentid=28510950&page=1
With special thanks to Dr. April Young, Assistant Professor at Argosy
University, Denver, CO, for making the Dirty Fighting List (origins unknown) to
me.