Silence, Finger-Pointing Guide

Silence, Finger-Pointing,
and Blame;
A Survivor’s Guide for a Workplace (and World) in Conflict
R. W. Burke
© 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved

“Values are like fingerprints. Nobody’s are the same,
but you leave ‘em all over everything you do.”
~ Elvis Presley

It Starts With Values…
“Learning people, starts with learning people’s values.”
Please complete the
Values Assessment

How are your values being expressed in your life?
•“And for most of us,
our values become the
method by which we
measure ourselves,
and others.”
•“Consequently, from
the most hopeful
point-of-view, they
serve as an ideal.”
•“From the most
negative perspective, a
judgment.”

“If you don’t understand someone’s values,
you won’t understand their behavior.”
First –
• Think about a time that
brings out your worst…
• A time that turns you
into that person you
don’t want to be, but are
anyway…
Next –
•Write down everything
you can remember about
the situation…time of
day, people involved,
smells, sounds, etc. Put
yourself back in that
moment.

We all experience conflict…
• In the moment you described, which of your
values have been offended?
• Identify the emotion that was expressed.
• Explain how you reacted.

Reactions –
“the words you say that you can’t get back.”
•Victim –
•Withdraws
•“I Lose” mentality
•Feels powerless,
helpless
•Self-pity
•Stops communicating
•Conflict –
•Lashes out
•“I Win” mentality
•Feels defensive,
combative
•Anger
•Argumentative

Understanding default reactions…
•If you believe you reacted as a Victim, take a
moment and write down how you would have
acted and sounded if you reacted in Conflict.
•If you believe you reacted in Conflict, take a
moment and write down how you would have
acted and sounded if you reacted as a Victim.

Interrupting the reaction…
• You can easily learn to interrupt your default reactions
by practicing techniques that work for you…
• Take a deep breath. Breath in and breath out. A deep
breath takes about six seconds.
• Count to ten by Mississippi’s (One Mississippi, two
Mississippi…) or One Thousand’s (One One Thousand,
Two One Thousand…)

Before transforming reactions into responses…
• Difficult Problems – Good understanding of the problem,
agreement about the solution. The only thing missing is
action.
• Complicated Problems – Requires broad social consensus and
technical expertise.
• Complex Problems – When no one “right” solution exists
• Wicked Problems – The problem defies definition
• Super Wicked Problems – The people that want to solve the
problem also create it.

Owning the reaction, changes things…
• Given the situation you identified earlier, you have
explored reacting as a Victim and in Conflict.
• Now, let’s explore how your best self would respond
differently.
• How would you act and sound when responding in a
manner that you would be proud of?
• What response to the interaction could you imagine that
would have both parties not left “feeling less” for it?

When you are no longer ruled by your emotions,
you will…
• Step One – Identify situations that “push your buttons.”
• Step Two – Recognize what values have been offended.
• Step Three – Acknowledge the emotion that results and how
you tend to react (default reaction).
• Step Four – Interrupt the reaction (take a breath, count to
ten).
• Step Five – Transform your reaction (negative) into a
response (positive).

In the future, you will…
• The next time the situation arises, you will react. Don’t be
disappointed. After you’ve reacted, you’ll recognize that you
reacted. You’ll wish you’d have handled it better.
• The time after that, you will interrupt your reaction. You will
take a breath and you will respond. You will be proud of
how you handled it.
• You will develop radar that alerts you to situations that tend
to “spin you up.” You will get ahead of those situations. You
will not react. You won’t have to. You’ll have managed it
before it happened.

My sincere hope for you…
•Increased self-awareness;
•Increased other-awareness;
•Peace in your day;
•Peace in your life;
•Peace in your work.

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”
~ Mother Teresa

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