Listening is key to successfully parenting teenagers. Teens want adults to listen to their perspectives without judgment. While adults often view teen lives as focused only on friends and fun, teens feel a lack of guidance and good role models from adults. The teen years are difficult as teens work to find themselves and fit in with friends. Teens pay closer attention to adult actions than their dismissive attitudes suggest, learning what is appropriate behavior. Parents who listen without blowing up, set reasonable limits, and show they care tend to have better relationships with their teens despite challenges.

1. Listening key to parenting teenagers
hat‟s the matter with Adults today?
We‟ve been hearing a lot from teens
lately. They appear to want to talk, and some
adults seem to be ready to listen, and what teens
have to say may surprise you.
It‟s easy to assume their lives consist only of
friends and parties and generally goofing off and
letting their parents down. But who‟s letting
whom down? According to today‟s teens, they are
starved for guidance, for good examples, role
models, and morality. Or, as one teen put it, adults
are no longer behaving like adults.
The teen years are difficult for everyone. The
kids are putting all their energy into finding out
who they are and where they fit in. Their world is
filled with friends with common interests. We
adults often shake our heads in despair when we
witness the latest trend in clothes, or have our ears
assaulted by the latest music. We forget that par-
ents called the Beatles „noise‟, and that belonging
and being understood were the only things that
mattered when we were that age.
There seems to be some sort of internal wiring
in our emotions that almost forces teens and
parents to be at odds. Teens push the limits, as
part of learning what the adult world is all about.
Some parents react by pushing back. They clamp
down on the teen by increasing their demands and
expectations, by arbitrarily implementing more
rules. And then they wonder why the teen rebels
even more.
Some teens don‟t get any reaction. Oh, mom
and dad react alright in their own way. But they
don‟t communicate to their teen how they feel
about the new behaviour. So the teen has no feed-
back, no way to gauge if this new behaviour is
right or wrong.
Teens pay more attention to adults than we
realize. In fact they learn more from our actions
than from our words. Their dismissal of our
lifestyle and their feigned disinterest in our
opinion doesn‟t mean they haven‟t observed adult
behaviour closely, and drawn conclusions about
appropriate/acceptable adult responses to
everyday situations.
So often parents are shocked by sons and
daughters who shoplift, steal from home, and
provide artful lies to school administrators
Sometimes these are the same parents who lie
about kids‟ ages to save theatre admission, pack
hotel towels and blame their traffic tickets on
police or politicians.
The lucky teens - and there are
plenty of them — have parents who listen. And,
while they may not fully understand, they will at
least tolerate. At the same time, these parents will
reinforce their own limits.
“You can stay out late, but only if we know
exactly where you are and how you plan to get
home.” “No, you‟re too young to go camping with
your new boyfriend.”
These parents know how to stand their ground
for their child‟s sake and their own. They manage
to stand firm on their beliefs and values while not
compromising their child‟s need to begin to make
his or her own way. These parents are not their
children‟s‟ buddies. They are parents uncondi-
tionally and therefore manage to survive the salvos
their children assault them with. For example:
“You don‟t care.” “You‟re the only parent who
doesn‟t allow their kid.” “If you were my friend
mom you would let me.” “You‟re the meanest
parent”.
So the next time your teen seems to want to
talk, listen without judging and without criticizing.
When your teen accidentally manages to hit one of
your buttons, don‟t make the mistake of blowing
up because that will only let them know where to
hit again.
Your teen is trying to communicate with you,
and listening may be all you have to do to turn a
tense relationship around. Remember what life
was like when you were that age, and how im-
portant your friends and interests were to you.
Then tell your teens that you trust their judgement
and that you‟ll stand by them. And be sure to set
limits that are reasonable. You may be surprised
how well your renewed interest in their welfare is
received.
Hamilton Spectator September 18, 1999
W
• RAY PIDZAMECKY
AND PENNY SMITH