Discussion about types of abuse, domestic violence, abused wives, and its management

1. ABUSE ANDABUSE AND
VIOLENCEVIOLENCE
Pamela M. Veroy RN, MAN
You may not know it; you may not feel it;
you thought it is a way of love expression,
until it consumes you .

2. Domestic AbuseDomestic Abuse
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal
abuse, occurs when one person in an
intimate relationship or marriage tries to
dominate and control the other person.
An abuser doesn’t “play fair.”
He or she uses fear, guilt, shame, and
intimidation to wear you down and gain
complete power over you.
He or she may threaten you, hurt you, or
hurt those around you.
Domestic abuse that includes physical
violence is called domestic violence.

3. Victims of domestic abuseVictims of domestic abuse
This abuse happens among heterosexual
couples and in same-sex partnerships.
Except for the gender difference, domestic
abuse doesn’t discriminate.
It happens within all age ranges, ethnic
backgrounds, and financial levels.
The abuse may occur during a
relationship, while the couple is breaking
up, or after the relationship has ended.
Domestic violence is not due to the
abuser’s loss of control over his behavior.

4. In fact, violence is a deliberate choice madeIn fact, violence is a deliberate choice made
by the abuserby the abuser in order to take control overin order to take control over
his wife or partner.his wife or partner.

5. Violent Behavior is an Abuser's
Choice
He does not batter other individuals - the
boss who does not give him time off or the
gas station attendant that spills gas down the
side of his car. He waits until there are no
witnesses and abuses the person he says
he loves.
If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop
when the phone rings or the police come to
the door?" She will say "yes". Most often
when the police show up, he is looking
calm, cool and collected and she is the
one who may look hysterical.

6. Violent Behavior is an Abuser's ChoiceViolent Behavior is an Abuser's Choice
If he were truly "out of control" he would
not be able to stop himself when it is to
his advantage to do so.
The abuser very often escalates from
pushing and shoving to hitting in places
where the bruises and marks will not
show. If he were "out of control" or "in a
rage" he would not be able to direct or
limit where his kicks or punches land.

7. Diagram of Violent AbuserDiagram of Violent Abuser

8. Abusers use the following tactics toAbusers use the following tactics to
exert power over their wives or partners:exert power over their wives or partners:
Dominance
Abusive individuals need to feel in charge
of the relationship.
They will make decisions for you and the
family, tell you what to do, and expect you
to obey without question.
Your abuser may treat you like a servant,
child, or even as his possession.

9. Humiliation
 An abuser will do everything he can to
make you feel bad about yourself, or
defective in some way.
After all, if you believe you're worthless
and that no one else will want you, you're
less likely to leave.
Insults, name-calling, shaming, and
public put-downs are all weapons of
abuse designed to erode your self-esteem
and make you feel powerless.

10. Isolation
In order to increase your dependence on
him, an abusive partner will cut you off
from the outside world.
He may keep you from seeing family or
friends, or even prevent you from going to
work or school.
You may have to ask permission to do
anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
(Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention
Project, MN)

11. It can make you fall down withIt can make you fall down with
your self-esteem.your self-esteem.

12. Threats
Abusers commonly use threats to keep
their victims from leaving or to scare
them into dropping charges.
Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill
you, your children, other family members,
or even pets.
He may also threaten to commit suicide,
file false charges against you, or report
you to child services.

13. Always feels threatened….Always feels threatened….

14. Intimidation
Your abuser may use a variety of
intimation tactics designed to scare you
into submission.
Such tactics include making threatening
looks or gestures, smashing things in
front of you, destroying property, hurting
your pets, or putting weapons on display.
The clear message is that if you don't
obey, there will be violent consequences.

15. Denial and blame
Abusers are very good at making excuses
for the inexcusable.
They will blame their abusive and violent
behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day,
and even on the victims of their abuse.
Your abuser may minimize the abuse or
deny that it occurred.
He will commonly shift the responsibility
onto you: Somehow, his violence and
abuse is your fault.

16. Cycle of violence

1. Abuse — The abuser lashes out with
aggressive or violent behavior. The abuse is a
power play designed to show the victim "who is
boss."
2. Guilt — After the abusive episode, the
abuser feels guilt, but not over what he's done
to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of
being caught and facing consequences.
3. Rationalization or excuses — The abuser
rationalizes what he's done. He may come up
with a string of excuses or blame the victim for
his own abusive behavior—anything to shift
responsibility from himself.

17. Cycle of violenceCycle of violence
 4. "Normal" behavior — The abuser does
everything he can to regain control and keep the
victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing
has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This
peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope
that the abuser has really changed this time.
 5. Fantasy and planning — The abuser begins to
fantasize about abusing his victim again, spending a
lot of time thinking about what she's done wrong and
how he'll make her pay. Then he makes a plan for
turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
 6. Set-up — The abuser sets up the victim and puts
his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can
justify abusing her.

18. Diagram in Cycle of ViolenceDiagram in Cycle of Violence

19. Signs of an abusive relationship
Answer the questions;The more “yes”
answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an
abusive relationship.
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings
Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you:
feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your
partner?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your
partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or
mistreated?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?

20. Signs of an abusive relationshipSigns of an abusive relationship
Does your partner:
humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
treat you so badly that you’re
embarrassed for your friends or family to
see?
ignore or put down your opinions or
accomplishments?
blame you for his own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object,
rather than as a person?

21. Signs of an abusive relationshipSigns of an abusive relationship
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats
Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or
harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?

22. Signs of an abusive relationshipSigns of an abusive relationship
Does your partner:
act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or
family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or
the car?
constantly check up on you?

23. Types of domestic violence and abuse
There are different types of domestic
abuse,
including emotional,
physical,
sexual,
and economic abuse.
 Many abusers behave in ways that
include more than one type of domestic
abuse, and the boundaries between some
of these behaviors may overlap.

24. Emotional abuse
includes verbal abuse such as yelling,
name-calling, blaming, and shaming.
Isolation, intimidation, and controlling
behavior also fall under emotional abuse.
Additionally, abusers who use emotional
or psychological abuse often throw in
threats of physical violence.
emotional abuse can be just as damaging
as physical abuse—sometimes even more
so.
emotional abuse usually worsens over
time, often escalating to physical battery.

25. Physical abuse is the use of physical
force against someone in a way that
injures or endangers that person.
There’s a broad range of behaviors that
come under the heading of physical
abuse, including hitting, grabbing,
choking, throwing things, and assault with
a weapon.
Physical assault or battering is a crime,
whether it occurs inside or outside of the
family.
The police have the power and authority
to protect you from physical attack.

26. Sexual abuse is common in abusive
relationships. According to the National
Coalition Against Domestic Violence, between
one-third and one-half of all battered women
are raped by their partners at least once
during their relationship.
Any situation in which you are forced to
participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading
sexual activity is sexual abuse.
Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate
partner with whom you also have consensual
sex, is an act of aggression and violence.
Women whose partners abuse them
physically and sexually are at a higher risk of
being seriously injured or killed.

27. Economic of financial abuse includes:
Controlling the finances.
Withholding money or credit cards.
Giving you an allowance.
Making you account for every penny you
spend.
Stealing from you or taking your money.
Exploiting your assets for personal gain.
Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes,
medications, shelter).
Preventing you from working or choosing
your own career.
Sabotaging your job (making you miss work,
calling constantly)

28. Domestic violence warning signs
 Frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents”
 Frequent and sudden absences from work or school
 Frequent, harassing phone calls from the partner
 Fear of the partner, references to the partner's anger
 Personality changes (e.g. an outgoing woman
becomes withdrawn)
 Excessive fear of conflict
 Submissive behavior, lack of assertiveness
 Isolation from friends and family
 Insufficient resources to live (money, credit cards,
car)
 Depression, crying, low self-esteem

29. Reporting suspected domestic abuse is
important.
If you're afraid of getting involved,
remember that the report is confidential
and everything possible will be done to
protect your privacy.
You don’t have to give your name, and
your suspicions will be investigated before
anyone is taken into custody.
Most important, you can protect the
victim from further harm by calling for
help.

30. Protecting yourself from domestic violence
If you live with someone who abuses you
or if someone is stalking you, you need to
take immediate measures to protect
yourself.
You’re in extra danger if your abuser or
stalker talks about murder or suicide.
You’re also in particular danger if you are
thinking about leaving an abusive
relationship.
Because of the risk of being seriously hurt
or killed when leaving an abusive
relationship, it’s important to develop a
safe plan for departure.

31. Escaped abused wives….Escaped abused wives….

32. Domestic Violence Escape Kit
Pack a survival kit.
◦ Money for cab fare
◦ A change of clothes
◦ Extra house and car keys
◦ Birth certificates
◦ Driver’s license or passport
◦ Medications and copies of prescriptions
◦ Insurance information
◦ Checkbook
◦ Credit cards
◦ Legal documents such as separation agreements and
protection orders
◦ Address books
◦ Valuable jewelry
◦ Papers that show jointly owned assets
Conceal it in the home or leave it with a trusted
neighbor, friend, or relative. Important papers
can also be left in a bank deposit box.

33. Know your abuser’s red flags.Know your abuser’s red flags.
Be on alert for signs and clues that your
abuser is getting upset and may explode
in anger or violence.
Identify safe areas of the house. Know
where to go if your abuser attacks or an
argument starts.
Avoid small, enclosed spaces without exits
(such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms
with weapons (such as the kitchen).
 If possible, head for a room with a phone
and an outside door or window.

34. Know your abuser’s red flags.Know your abuser’s red flags.
Be prepared to leave at a moment’s
notice.
Keep the car fueled up and facing the
driveway exit, with the driver’s door
unlocked.
Hide a spare car key where you can get it
quickly.
Have emergency cash, clothing, and
important phone numbers and documents
stashed in a safe place (at a friend’s
house, for example).

35. Know your abuser’s red flags.Know your abuser’s red flags.
Practice escaping quickly and safely.
Rehearse your escape plan so you know
exactly what to do if under attack from
your abuser.
If you have children, have them practice
the escape plan also.
Come up with a code word. Establish a
word, phrase, or signal you can use to let
your children, friends, neighbors, or co-
workers know that you’re in danger and
the police should be called.

36. Know your abuser’s red flags.Know your abuser’s red flags.
Make and memorize a list of emergency
contacts. Ask several trusted individuals if
you can contact them if you need a ride, a
place to stay, or help contacting the police.
Memorize the numbers of your emergency
contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence
hotline.
Keep change and cash on you at all
times. Know where the nearest public phone
is located,
and have change available so you can use it
in an emergency situation to call for help.
Also try to keep cash on hand for cab fare.

37. Know your abuser’s red flags.Know your abuser’s red flags.
Additionally, to keep yourself safe from
domestic abuse and violence;
you should document all abuse.
If you’ve been injured, take photographs. If
you have been abused in front of others, ask
witnesses to write down what they saw.
Finally, don’t hesitate to call the police if your
abuser has hurt you or broken the law.
 Contact the police even if you just think your
abuser might have broken a law.
Assaulting you, stealing from you, and
destroying your property are all crimes.

38. Protecting Your Children From Domestic
Violence and Abuse
 Teach them not to get in the middle of a fight, even if
they want to help.
 Teach them how to get to safety, to call 911, to give
your address and phone number to the police.
 Teach them who to call for help.
 Tell them to stay out of the kitchen.
 Give school officials a copy of your court order; tell
them not to release your children to anyone without
talking to you first; use a password so they can be
sure it is you on the phone; give them a photo of the
abuser.
 Make sure the children know who to tell at school if
they see the abuser.
 Make sure that the school knows not to give your
address or phone number to anyone.

39. You realized you don’t have aYou realized you don’t have a
family of your own….family of your own….