Validation Skill

1. I – AM – MAD
A skill to learn when you’re a loved one of
someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
(BPD)
By Bon Dobbs

2. When you are in a
relationship with someone
with BPD, it can be
confusing. It sometimes
feels as if you’re
navigating a maze-game
and one false move or
word causes an explosion
of rage. People sometimes
describe it as “walking on
eggshells.”

3. BPD is chiefly an emotional
regulation disorder. While there
are other aspects to the disorder,
the emotional system of a person
with BPD is easily upset. A person
with BPD will react strongly and
with negative emotions to
triggers, real or perceived, in the
environment. The biggest trigger
of these emotions is interpersonal
relationship events.

4. A person with BPD has a
more sensitive emotional
alarm system than others
do. It is as if your alarm is
set at 80° F and theirs is
set at 50° F. Their alarm
goes off more often than
yours. Yet, they still feel as
if the alarm is real, even if
it seems like a “false
alarm” to you.

5. A person with BPD will Emotion Natural Reaction
usually react naturally to Anger Attack
the emotions that they Sadness Withdrawal
feel. Sometimes you might Fear Flee
feel as though the Disgust Turn Away
reaction is an over-
Contempt Judge
reaction. However, it is
Surprise Jump Back
“normal” if a person is
Happiness Laugh, Rejoice
feeling a strong emotion.
Shame Hide or Deny
Normal/Natural Emotional Reactions

6. The “carousel” of BPD
Emotional
includes emotional Dysregulation
dysregulation, shame,
impulsivity and a
preoccupation with
BPD
Preoccupation
attachment relationships. with
Attachments
Shame
Each feature can increase
the “velocity” of the
others, causing rage,
desperation and Impulsivity
depression.

7. If you’re anything like me
(or like I was before I
started down a path to
healing), you’re a “fixer”.
You want problems solved
immediately. Yet, the piece
of the puzzle that you’ve
been missing is that
emotional problems are
not solvable using logic.

8. In fact, an emotional person
doesn’t really WANT you to solve
the problem. They want to be
HEARD. They want someone to
understand how they feel. They
become frustrated with you
when you offer advice or
invalidate their emotional
reactions. This presentation will
teach you a simple skill to stop
invalidating how they feel.

9. First, a few things NOT to do when your loved one comes to
you in a highly emotional state. Do NOT:
Make it about you. “I hated it when that happened to me.”
Try to one-up the person. “Oh, you think you have it bad…”
Tell them how they should feel. “You should feel blessed…”
Try to give them advice. “What you really should do is…”
Try to solve their problem. “I’m going to call that girl’s parents
and…”
Cheerlead (there is a time for this, but not now). “I know you can
do it…”
Call names. “You’re such a baby.”

10. Do NOT:
Make “life” statements. “Well, life’s not fair…”
Make judgmental statements. “What you did was wrong…”
Make “revisionist” statements. “If you had only…”
Make it about your feelings. “How do you think that makes me feel?”
Make “character” statements. “You’re too sensitive…”
Rationalize another person’s behavior. “I bet they were just…”
Use reason or the “facts.” “That’s not what happened…”
Use “always” or “never” statements. “You always get yourself into
these situations…”

11. OK, so what am I supposed to do?
Understand that your loved one is
feeling something. That feeling is
real and unpleasant. The problem
is not that they are “irrational” or
the “content” of the issue. The
problem is that they feel bad.
Empathize with the person. See
the world through their current
emotional eyes.

12. Then, use the I-AM-MAD emotional communication skill.
I – identify that there’s an emotion
A – ask a validating question
M – make a validating statement
M – make a normalizing statement
A – analyze consequences
D – don’t solve the problem

13. I – identify that there’s an emotion
It's best to do this with "feeling" words, like "look", "see",
or "sound", rather than “know" or "understand”.
Examples:
“I see that you are frustrated.”
“You sound aggravated.”
“You look really upset.”

14. A – ask a validating question
This encourages them to share their feelings about
whatever triggered them. Do not use “what’s wrong?” If
you use "what's wrong?" they will hear "what's wrong
with YOU?"
Examples:
“What happened?” (most effective because it is open-
ended, requires more than yes/no answer)
“Did something go wrong at work *school+ today?”
“Want to talk about it?”

15. M – make a validating statement
Validate the feelings expressed. This helps reinforce that
it is natural and valid to feel what they are feeling in the
situation. Don’t defend against blaming or projecting.
Examples:
"Wow, it must have made you feel hurt."
"Yes, it is frustrating when it seems that someone is
taking advantage of you."
"Yeah, that's really disappointing."

16. M – make a normalizing statement
By relating the situation as common to all people or
“normal” for them, this helps alleviate their stress about
feeling judged or unaccepted.
Examples:
"I think anyone would feel angry if they had to do that."
"I would feel the same way if that happened to me."
“I can see why you feel that way.”

17. A – analyze consequences
By examining the consequences of both negative and
positive behavior with the person, you help them to
separate their emotional reaction from their behavior. The
behavior may need to be changed, but the emotions are
natural and should not be punished.
Examples:
“When you yell at me, I feel disrespected and become upset
too. However, when you speak calmly to me, I know you
have respect for me, so I am able to listen to you better.”

18. D – don’t solve the problem
Solving one’s own problems helps to build self-confidence.
Empower the person by getting them to come up with a
solution themselves. When given the opportunity in a non-
judgmental setting, most people will find that they can
come up with solutions to their problems.
Examples:
“How would you like to handle this?”
“What would help you make a better choice next time?”
“What do you feel like doing?”

19. It’s that simple. But it takes
PRACTICE and HONESTY. If
you don’t feel it, it will not
work. Instead it will feel
“fake” to the other person.
Adapted from “When Hope is
Not Enough” by Bon Dobbs.
Visit:
www.anythingtostopthepain.com