Hugo Rudd would bring a depth of experience to Manchester United unlike any other candidate for the position. Allied with his fierce contempt for footballers and supporters, Hugo Rudd would guarantee that eleven very well paid men could kick a pig's bladder around a field with near impunity.

1. Hugo Rudd
A managerial candidate with a difference

2. The right fit
 I have watched football for a long time
 I still find it fascinating and learn new rules every month
 I can identify up to 60% of the current Manchester United Squad
 I will probably get rid of the remaining 40% because if they weren’t good
enough for David Moyes, they aren’t good enough for me
 I am emotionally devoid and enjoy hurting people

3. The right attitude
 I would like to become extremely rich and be applauded by thousands of
supporters after football matches.
 I believe this can best be achieved by managing the team such that the
team wins more matches than the other teams in the league
 My strategy is based, therefore, on coaching the team to be confident in
their abilities and encouraging them to win football matches
 I believe that scoring goals is the best way to do this

4. Matchday selection strategy
Differs from that of previous manager:
 Select fit players, rather than players who can’t walk without crutches
 Always select the best players available
 Play the best players in the positions they are comfortable with
 Don’t accidentally put a left footed midfielder on the left extreme flank of the
field for six matches
 Don’t accidentally put a footballer who doesn’t want to play football central
to my whole strategy for the game

5. Transfer market selection strategy
Differs from previous manager:
 Send scouts to watch in-form players
 Identify good players
 Send a negotiation opener to an agent well in advance of closure of transfer
window
 Ensure that the negotiations can be concluded at least an hour before closure of
transfer window
 Make sure we have a shirt with the player’s name on it when he comes to Old
Trafford for the photo
 Absolutely ensure that Irish TV news doesn’t have the name and the word ‘fiasco’
in a headline before we have a signature.

6. Dealing with dressing room disputes
Differs from previous manager:
 Ensuring that the best players are played in the best positions should
obviate most disputes
 I prefer playing better players without injuries to injured inferior players
 Making sure that Wayne Rooney has a solid line-up of grannies to keep him
occupied
 When a player starts slagging me off and not listening, I kick the fuck out of
him and don’t select him for a few matches, rather than laugh off rumours
and let him treat me like his bitch.

7. Player positioning
I favour a basic rule:
 Players with lower numbers should be generally towards the back of the
field, with the tall player wearing the #1 shirt in the goal.*
 Sturdy, surly people without manners should be in defence
 Welsh people who like to have sex with their in-laws should be in the mid-
field
 Higher numbers should be sent towards the front
 Wayne Rooney should run interference, but preferably not against our own
team
* except Crouch. He should be nowhere near the goal.

8. Overall game strategy - defence
 The surly men at the back should stop the wiry, fast talented men from
getting too close to our goal –or they might score goals against us.
If David Moyes had followed this golden rule, I might not have the chance to apply for this job!
 The tall man in the bright shirt right at the back should stop the ball from
going into the net
 The surly men at the back should definitely not boot the fuck out of the
wiry, fast, talented men, especially when in the ‘box’

9. Overall game strategy - midfield
 The people in midfield should learn to pass the ball to one another with
good precision and accuracy. This should prevent the other team from
kicking the ball away from them and ruining the game for everyone
Last year’s trial of the ‘kick the ball away’ strategy was not as successful as
it was promising in training.
 The people in midfield should try to ‘tackle’ the other team in order to gain
the ball for our team – then they should pass it to one another and
eventually to one of our wiry, talented men
 The people in midfield should kick the ball with the foot they feel most
comfortable with
 The people in midfield should not form a straight line from one side of the
pitch to the other

10. Overall game strategy - forwards
 The ball should be passed to the forwards if they look like they might be
able to get in close to the other team’s goal.
 The forwards should beware of surly men from the other team who might
seek to dispossess them of the ball and kick it away to their own forwards
They almost always try to do this. We need to be careful.
 Wayne Rooney should be briefed on what colour shirts we will be
wearing, in order to prevent him from tackling our players
 If a forward has no way of kicking the ball into the other team’s goal, he
should kick the ball to another player in our team, and not just hoof the
fucker into the stand.

11. Dealing with the media after a
victory
ALWAYS:
I’m delighted for the lads, who’ve put a lot of effort into their training, working
on their vision and their skills. They put the work in and they got a result out.
[Another locality] pushed us hard, and all credit to them, I thought they were
unlucky not to get the ball in the net in the second half. They made it hard for
us and we won’t be looking forward to facing them again!
NEVER:
Trolololololololololol! Yayayayayyayayayaya! Ho ho ho ho ho! They were
shit, honestly. Like stealing sweets from a fish or shooting kids in a barrel.

12. Dealing with the media after a loss
ALWAYS:
Ninety minutes is a long time on the pitch and I’m proud of the lads for what
they put in, but [Team from another locality] were simply hungrier for it today.
We’ve work to do in training to stop Rooney from scaring the new signings.
NEVER:
I have no idea what the fuck just happened. They wandered around the pitch
like zombies, bumping into one another and ignoring the football. I was
particularly disappointed when they all gathered around the goalkeeper from
[another locality] and started slapping him.

13. Dealing with the media after a loss 2
ALWAYS:
I think there were some fifty-fifty decisions out there, but I can’t fault the
referee in what was a frenetic, somewhat messy game. It was disappointing
that Rooney stopped in the middle of the pitch and began to burrow under
it, but it’s tough to question someone of that footballing genius. We owe it to
the fans to do better and we will.
NEVER:
That prick in the black hasn’t a clue what was going on. He should either go
to specsavers or to the knackers’ yard because he’s useless. Perhaps he is
angry because he is related to Ryan Giggs.

14. Hints and tips
If the middle of the opposition’s goal could be marked out in some way, our
players might know where to kick the ball to score points
We could use strong electromagnets in the goalposts, allied with a magnet
attached to the boots of each of our players, to make our players instinctively
move towards the other team’s goal
Wayne Rooney and Ryan Giggs need to go to counselling
Bring back Jordi Cruyf

15. Hugo Rudd
The managerial choice with a
difference.
My new office? You decide.