This document provides a satirical summary for a fictional television show called "Seeking Unicorns" that aims to prove the existence of unicorns. The author claims to be a unicorn expert who has spent years researching unicorns. Some key points made are that unicorns are not like horses, enjoy savagely eating small creatures, and use camouflage to avoid detection. When unicorns die, they explode in a glittery display rather than leaving remains. The show would showcase real unicorn footage to counter other programs about mythical creatures.

2. OK, here‟s the thing, y‟all. I was
watchin‟ this show on Animal Planet in
which a bunch of retarded rednecks go
searching for sasquatches and screaming
that every squirrel fart is the sound of a
„squatch „round the corner. Now this
show is obviously built on bullshit, so I
thought of a show that would be much
more informative and realistic. It‟s
called: Seeking Unicorns.

3. I know what you‟re thinkin‟— “Wait a
minute!!!! Unicorns don‟t exist!!!!”
Well, if this is what you‟re
thinking, then you‟re a freaking moron!
Yeah, that‟s right. Unicorns do exist.
How do I know? Because I‟m a unicorn
expert. I built up my expertise on
unicorns through years of research….

6. Yeah, that’s totally me. Really.

7. Now that I‟ve established my
credibility, you‟re probably wondering
why you‟ve never seen one. Well, the
answer is pretty simple, they don‟t want
you to see them. Think about it, people
discover them, there‟s a bunch of “Ooohs”
and “Awws” and then it‟s off to petting
zoos where they‟ll be ridden all day by
screaming poopy pants toddlers.

8. Unicorns are super duper real and
their lives are very mysterious, but
allow me to lift some of the
mystery for you. The most
important thing to note is that
unicorns, in spite of their
appearance are NOTHING like
horses.

9. Mane
Horn
Tail
Face
Feet

10. Most people don‟t know that unicorns are not herbivores, like
their cousin the horse, they are equipped with a singular large
horn that they use to ruthlessly impale smaller creatures which
they then devour savagely.
Their favorite tasty treats are:
Bunnies
Puppies
Kittens
Butterflies
Human babies

11. Believe it or not, unicorns can be found
ANYWHERE!!! Actually, as a general
rule, unicorns are so prevalent you are
never more than 8 feet away from a
real, live unicorn.

12. Unicorns utilize a variety of camouflage techniques that allow them
to remain hidden from the untrained eye.
There’s one hiding Sometimes they dress up like
in the fog! Look! There’s one hiding people, but somehow they
behind that web address!! never look quite right…

13. Now, if you’re like a cynical, know-it-all douchebag, then you’re probably thinking
“Well, gee… if unicorns existed we’d have found their bones or something at some
point.”
This is yet another misconception. When a unicorn dies, it does not fall to the earth to
rot and be eaten by vultures and maggots. Actually, in yet another attempt to disguise
their existence they’ve adapted to leave little trace evidence of ever having lived—
even when they die.
Even most unicorn experts do not know for sure what happens to them. Luckily, I DO
know! When a unicorn dies they explode into confetti and glitter!! I even caught this
phenomenon on tape—unfortunately, I can’t show you that because I lost it. But it
looks something like that.

14. I‟m sure by now, you‟re all very curious
to witness a real unicorn. Well, being
the only person on earth who can do
that , the purpose of my show Seeking
Unicorns is to share them with the
world. Through this program I will
combat the moronic, misleading shows
about imaginary creatures and give
people intelligent, informative, REAL
footage of ACTUAL unicorns.