1. Revising, Editing,
Proofing & Feedback
Lizabeth A. Walsh, MJE

2. What to include
 Similes
 Metaphors
 Strong verbs
 Phrases
 Clauses
 Figures, facts, feelings

3. Similes
 Dragging herself down the hall like a sullen child,
senior Jennifer Jones headed toward Brent
Busboom’s first period senior English class, knowing
full well she’d be singing karaoke for her classmates,
thanks to her snooze bar.
 Running for their cars as quickly as cockroaches
scatter when the lights come on, upperclassmen
squeezed every last second of freedom from their
newly-shortened lunch period.

4. Metaphors
 Prepared for battle in the thin armor of an hour’s
worth of cramming, junior Ben Jones unsheathed
his pencil from his pocket and began slashing his
way through the 100-word vocabulary test.
 As Christy Larsen returned their first essays of
junior year, students winced at the bloodbath of
red ink on scarred papers.

5. Strong Verbs- Active Voice
 The rule was followed by students.
 Students followed the rule.
 Students laughed at the rule.
 Students disregarded the rule.
 This year, new rules were implemented.
 Administrators implemented new rules.
 Teachers introduced new rules.
 Students complained about new rules.

6. Phrases
Prepositional
o Students crowded around the mirror in a desperate attempt to
purchase the last of the T-shirts.
Appositive
o Mrs. Walsh, the yearbook adviser, earned her CJE in 2000 and her
MJE in 2006.
Infinitive
o To arrive at the ceremony on time, sophomore Missy Warren had to
forego a shower and merely accept a quick change into her
Homecoming gown in the back of her parents’ van.
Gerund
o Swimming and diving attract fewer than 30 students to the pool each
year, but those who choose them have the benefit of never worrying
about horrible spring weather.
Participial
o Wounded by an opponent’s cleat, senior Mac Salmon remained in the
match until the final buzzer.
o Whining about deadlines, yearbook editors rolled their chairs back to
the computers and finished proofing the final spreads.

7. Clauses
Adjectives
o Senior Maggie Ball, who accepted an internship at Bob’s
Big World of Printed Stuff, double checks the index one
more time before heading to her unpaid intern position.
Adverbs
o Whenever they tried to sneak out the back door, Mrs.
Edwards’s students heard the buzzer she had attached to the
door jamb.
Nouns
o Whoever earned the title of editor would have to dedicate
long hours of work to making the yearbook as perfect as it
could be.

8. AP Style- the biggies
 ALL- every kind of them  Texas & 7 other states are
(except reference books, which always spelled out- abbrev the
includes yearbooks)- titles are rest
indicated with quotation marks  Months are abbreviated Jan.,
instead of italics, which means
titles inside quoted material Feb., Mar. (except June and July)
use single quotation marks.  Dates are written Wed, Apr. 4
 Periods (.) & commas (,) (and only appear if needed for
always go inside quotation clarification)
marks.  Money is written $2, not two
 One-nine, then use 10, 11, 12 dollars. $2 million is for
 Ordinal numbers first-ninth, everything over $999,999.99
then use 10th, 11th, 12th  Time is 7 a.m., not 7:00 a.m.
 When in doubt, check the stylebook!

9. Stylistic Suggestions
 Consider retaining the spelled out class descriptions
(freshman, sophomore, junior, senior) because it
doesn’t interrupt eye flow for the reader.
 Retain subject-verb order in attributions
 “I like pie,” sophomore Susie Smith said.
 Consider embedding attribution within longer quotes,
so everything doesn’t end in said.
 “I like pie because it’s so yummy,” sophomore Susie
Smith said. “My favorite is cherry, but really, I’ll eat
almost any flavor.”

10. What to exclude
 Anything that can be said about any other year or said by any other
person
 Sentences that begin with A, An, The
 Adjectives
 Adverbs that do not “clash” with the verb
 Sentences beginning with “There is…, There are…, There was…,
There were”
 Fragment and question ledes
 Opinions and editorializing

11. Anything anyone else
could guess
“It was an honor just to be nominated,” every person
has always said about being nominated for some kind of
student popularity court.
“I have never been the kind of person who wears a
dress, much less the kind of person who would
wear a crown, so this came as a huge surprise to
me,” senior Megan Winkel said.

12. Changing an A, An, The sentences
The mascot ran across the field before doing a
cartwheel.
oBefore executing a cartwheel, the mascot ran 100 yards across
the football field.
An hour before the match began, the boys
chugged a gallon of milk.
oWithin an hour of the match’s start time, tennis players
chugged a gallon of milk on a dare, giving little attention to
the possible outcome of this act.
A great way to start your day for testing is with
a good breakfast.
oResearch indicates that good breakfasts give students an
advantage on testing day.

13. Killing adjectives
Under a dark, but starry sky, the football field’s new and
expensive lights shone brightly, bathing the field in
solid, white light.
oWith the stadium’s $40,000 lighting system, fans
could see every play on the field.
Fluffy down pillows, white down comforters, and crisp
white sheets greeted students when they entered the
New York City Westin Hotel for their first CSPA trip.
oDropping their luggage on the floors of their
Westin Hotel rooms, students quickly claimed beds
and began to make plans for the remainder of their
New York City stay.

14. Choosing adverbs for best effect
Mrs. Walsh screamed loudly at the students in her second
period class, trying to get them to quiet down.
oWhispering loudly, Mrs. Walsh threatened to unscrew
Steven’s head if his lips moved one more time.
Walking slowly, students gradually entered the classroom for
study hall.
oOn the final day of class, a few of the remaining
yearbook students took their time, leaving slowly for their
summer vacation days as they took one last look around
the room that had been their home for the year.

15. Sentences beginning with
“There is…, There are…,
There was…, There were”
There are 400 students in Mrs. Walsh’s English classes.
oMrs. Walsh’s 400 students constitute one-quarter of
the entire student body.
There was a young lady standing in the corner.
oIn the far corner of the gym, a young lady tried to
hide herself from her classmates.

16. Fragments & Question Ledes
Comfy shoes. Bags of Candy. Old yearbooks. These
items comprised Liz Walsh’s packing list.
oAfter shoving an extra pair of athletic shoes into
her overstuffed suitcase, Liz Walsh headed for
yearbook camp, where she would hand out candy
and old yearbooks as she taught, reducing her
luggage’s return trip weight by 20 pounds before the
week ended.
Did you ever wonder about what goes on at yearbook
camp?
To understand yearbook camp, one must attend
yearbook camp, and unlike in Vegas, what
happens there doesn’t necessarily stay there.

17. Opinions & Editorializing
The team worked hard to earn a spot in the playoffs.
oSoccer players spent over 40 hours in the last
month preparing for their playoff opportunity.
So, if you’re looking for a good club, join Key Club.
oKey Club officers provide members with
opportunities to serve the community both directly,
by providing assistance at St. Vincent’s shelter for
the homeless, and indirectly, with a yearly canned
food drive that benefits the Food Pantry in central
Reno.

18. We’ve done the technical stuff…
Now what?
Pay attention to cadence
oRead the piece aloud- does it flow smoothly? It should read easily on
the first time by a stranger.
Avoid redundancy
oMake sure every sentence and lead begins differently from every
other sentence.
Create alliteration
oThe ear likes to hear the similar sounds of cleverly created
musicality.
Vary the length of sentences and paragraphs
oLet people tell the story for you, and you’ll have this pleasant
combination of shorter and longer grafs.
Balance your sentences
oPleasing sentences have a certain symmetry. Look for ways to make
the rhythm of the sentence more musical.
End with a bang
oSometimes another person’s words can be stronger than your own-
and this isn’t English class, so don’t be afraid to conclude with a
quote, with embedded attribution, of course, or find a way to
conclude the story with a short, sweet, single-syllable word.

19. How to build a Staff of
Strong Writers & Editors
 Teach what good writing looks like- the
process, not just the polished product.
 Show students that even in the first draft
process, they can revise for effect, but that
doesn’t mean they are finished revising.
 Read good writing in class, as a group, at least
once a week.
 Analyze good writing- what elements make it
strong? What might you revise? Why? How?

20. Process for
editing/revising
 Students write stories and captions in Word.
 Students run steps for doc check & self-edit.
 Students share on Google Docs.
 Student
editors give private feedback for
improvement by inserting comments.
 Adviser reads through to double check
editors’ commentary and corrections…

24. And then…
 Students place copy in spread.
 Spreadsprojected on board (LCD, Smart,
Promethean, etc.), volunteer reads copy
aloud, and entire group (or half) listen,
look, and give feedback.
 Writer takes notes on changes.
 Writermakes changes in spread, editors
check, adviser double-checks.

26. And then…
 Three editors review copy on proofs.
Section (Mentor), Copy Ed (Managing Ed), EIC
 1- yellow is for AP style & grammar
 2- green is for name spelling errors
 3- blue is for fact checking concerns
 4- pink is for stylistic (voice) concerns (EIC)
 Writer makes final changes to copy.
 EIC or adviser does final proof signoff.

27. Acknowledgements:
•Lori Oglesbee, 2010 Yearbook Adviser of the Year
•Stephen King (On Writing)
•Jack Hart (A Writer’s Coach)

28. All materials presented…
 Remain the property and copyright of the various
owners of the original works.
 These yearbook samples were presented at BALFOUR
workshops for the benefit of their clients and
customers.
 Please do not alter these presentations.
 Use of these shows is intended only for individual
adviser-to-staff classroom teaching, not for publication
or reproduction in any form for any type of
presentation at a conference, camp, convention, or
gathering of multiple schools’ staffs.