I'm sure you've heard it. Perhaps even thought it occasionally. But this belief is just so inaccurate. Surely SOMETHING must have worked out for us at some point in our lives? If it hadn't, it's very unlikely any of us would be here.

1. Nothing ever works
out for me.

2. I'm sure you've heard it. Perhaps even
thought it occasionally. But this belief is
just so inaccurate.
 Surely SOMETHING must have worked
out for us at some point in our lives? If
it hadn't, it's very unlikely any of us
would be here.

3. We humans have a habit of distorting
reality and creating our own meaning
about what a certain situation or event
means to us personally.
Let me share an example with you from
a coaching session with a senior manager
at a multi-million pound company.

4. John was responsible for managing
nearly 100 employees and successfully
implementing a number of important
projects, often three or four projects
simultaneously.
During the first ten minutes of our first
coaching session, he shared his issues,
concerns and troubles with me.

5. How the performance of some members
of his team was becoming a 'BIG'
problem and he (the victim) was
'ALWAYS' being let down by some of his
more senior, project team members
when they didn't meet 'agreed'
deadlines.

6. In his own words he 'Got it in the neck'
from his boss who, on more than one
occasion apparently, made John shout at
his team in an effort to 'Get their heads
out of their arses' and focused on their
work.
He continued, 'I've warned them that if
they keep stabbing me in the back, I'll
have to get rid of them.'

7. Have you noticed anything about the
vocabulary John is using here?
Yes, they're all imaginary incidents that
had never happened in (external) reality
- but they were John's reality in the
confines of his own mind. For John, it
was all absolutely true and accurate.

8. As I began to politely question and
challenge some of John's current beliefs
about the terrible situation he found
himself in, he stated that without
exception, he was always 'let down' by
his team.
That 'If it's happened once, it's happened
a hundred times' (Note: Has John been
counting?).

9. Unwilling to accept the real source of the
teams poor performance, missed
deadlines and subsequent reprimands
from his own boss, could be more down
to his leadership, John continued to
hurriedly point his finger at others rather
than accept any kind of personal
responsibility.
 He refused to move from his view of
everyone else being to blame - (Note:
'Could John be digging his heels in?').

10. His tone was becoming quite aggressive
towards me personally as well as the
situation he was vehemently complaining
about. And this is a challenge that is
often encountered when coaching a
senior manager who can't see a solution
anywhere they look.
 It's not usually intentional
aggressiveness, just an auto-pilot
response with a purpose of preserving
current beliefs - even though there's no
evidence to support them.

11. Now, I'm all for helping people to remove
barriers, resolve issues and produce
better results for themselves and their
teams, and I'm really rather patient too -
but I can get really fed up, really quickly
when someone lets their ego take over.
It adds no value and can do immense
harm to relationships, trust and teams if
not kept in check.

12. After a long, deep breath, slapping my
hands together loudly as if delivering a
single applause, I politely and assertively
said 'OK then John, take off your shirt
please...AND DO IT NOW'.
 John, being quite a bit taller, and a lot
wider than me with shaven head and
grainy North-East accent wasn't the ideal
candidate for this kind of provocative
approach.

13. The look of absolute shock on his face
was almost as funny as when Del Boy fell
through the open bar in Only Fools And
Horses.
 I expect you remember it well.

14. John's focus quickly changed from
playing a very willing victim in to a state
of absolute confusion and disbelief as I
continued; 'Come on John, don't be
shy, just take you shirt off. I
continued, 'I won't tell if you won't'.
After what seemed like minutes but was
perhaps only a few seconds, John's brain
was still trying to make sense of my
somewhat unusual, and unexpected
request.

15. He asked me in a rather uncertain voice
'Why do I need to take my shirt off?' I
replied calmly...and slowly, 'Because I
want to see all of those scars on your
back....from all of those knives - surely
you will have lots of scars. Won't you?'

16. Bursting in to a fit of nervous and
relieved laughter, John stood up, leaned
over the desk that separated us, and
firmly shook my hand.
 Eager to avoid the possibility of a keen
left hook, my leaning to my left was
strategic positioning more than anything
else.

17. A few minutes later, John had eased
himself out of his previously limiting
thinking and moved into a more
proactive, responsible frame of mind.
The use of metaphor and polite
challenging of John's language patterns
has assisted him to learn just how
unproductive they were to him improving
matters with his team - and with his
boss.

18. There were no scares, just images in his
mind of what a certain situation has
meant to him.
He hadn't got anything in the neck and
neither was he always let down by his
team. It just felt like it sometimes.

19. What followed was a very productive,
collaborative coaching dialogue. John
began to make real sense of the reality
of the situation and took full
responsibility for his part in the problem.
 And, from this new, more empowering
position, it was easy for him to start
being part of the solution.

20. This is both a simple and true example of
how our experience of a situation or a
person can be easily distorted by what
goes on in our head.
Think about it - how often do you hear
people say 'This ALWAYS happens to me'
or 'This will NEVER work'? Also, you
could hear comments such as being
'Stabbed in the back' or 'Kicked in the
teeth'.

21. As you begin to spot these patterns of
communication at work, whether it is
with a frustrated customer or in a
sensitive meeting, become more aware
of the individual perspectives and
understand how they view the
experience.

22. Remember that if you do challenge the
comment, do it politely and with the
other person's best interests at heart.
Just as with John he was experiencing
the feelings in his own mind, even
though they had never happened in what
we like to call 'reality'.

23. By increasing your awareness of these
types of comments you can not only
quickly diffuse tense situations, but also,
if you are a manager, move your team
performance towards better productivity,
enhanced quality and eradicate careless
errors.
And you can achieve this with just a little
awareness and practice.

24. I recommend that you steer away from
inviting people to remove items of
clothing, or if you do, stay well out of
striking distance!
Find out where you can get the best
Customer Service Training and also you
can download Customer Service Training
Courses here:
 http://www.customerservicetrainingcourses.co.uk/