1. DC
CHENNAI Sunday 19 July 2009 23
relationships
Cheating Harish Iyer
Parenthesis
HEARTS
Have you been betrayed by your
My mom
accepted my
sexuality
spouse and don’t know what to do
next? Take heart and don’t blame your- HARISH IYER
self for the situation. It will only lead
E
very child goes through a phase
to a whirlpool of guilt and despair. where he/she has to convince
his/her parents of their choices —
WHAT TO DO WHEN HE However, acceptance does from careers to partners. But for me, it
STRAYS not mean resignation or liking was a different ball game altogether – I
◗ Ask if you’ve been what has occurred. It simply had to tell them about my homosexuality
MCT
neglecting aspects means recognition and – an issue that parents are not prepared to
that he may have been acknowledgement of the truth handle. It needs to be tackled with tact.
persistently asking for. — albeit unpleasant! After Fortunately, when I confessed to my
◗ Is the bond that has acceptance, thinking through mom that I was attracted to men, instead
developed with the other – alternatives of what you’d like of opposition, I was met with sympathy.
emotional or simply sexual to do to tackle the loss of faith She seemed to think that my homosexual-
or both? needs to be addressed. There ity stemmed from the fact that I’d been
◗ What would you attribute are no generalised rules. It is sexually abused as a child. But what sur-
his behaviour to? Get to the each to his own. An under- prised me was that she had an inkling of
bottom of what he’s trying to standing of your requirements my sexual tendencies before I’d told her.
say. and that they can be quite dif- Apparently she had been keeping a watch
here — but assuming that peo- ferent from another is impera- on me when I visited gay dating web-
DR VARKHA CHULANI ple indulging in such behav- COPING WITH BETRAYAL tive. Some may prefer the road sites. But she wanted to help me realise
iour have goals of remaining One of the most common of forgiveness, others may that this was a repercussion of the abuse
O
f course I’m commit- passionately and intimately things people do when they are choose to leave, yet others I’d faced and believe that if I worked
ted! This one-night- involved with the chosen one betrayed is to have a tendency might want to teach their part- towards being in a relationship with a
stand is nothing but and who claim that they’re to blame themselves. Incessant ners a lesson. Whatever the woman, I would turn straight.
lust.” Haven’t you emotionally bonded to that self-put downs, with a ‘what route, remind yourself of one She wanted me to settle down with a
heard that before — where the one, would they choose to did I do to deserve this’ atti- essential ingredient — how wife and kids. But
new-age philanderer is trying gratify their yearnings? And if tude solves nothing and will this choice impact me? when she realised the
to validate his/her actions and so, what effects would their instead puts you in a whirlpool toll that this decision MOM
coming up with credos where lustful romps have on their of despair and guilt. Accepting Dr Varkha Chulani is a psy- would take on me, THOUGHT I
he/she believes that if they’re personal and intimate life? the truth is the first step chologist with Lilavati she accepted my
emotionally attached and com- Plus in the long haul, would it towards empowerment. Hospital, Mumbai homosexuality. Her COULD GET
mitted to their partner, there’s
no big deal about a
hold good for cherished and
intimate relations —
acceptance was what
really mattered to
RID OF
roll in the hay?
But are extra-mari- WHEN that would entirely
depend on what
Mamma Mia me. I have dealt with
my sexual abuse all
HOMO-
SEXUALITY
tal relations only
about one-night
BETRAYED each ‘valued’. a
But what can
by myself. But the
fact that my family
stands? Or do they MOPING couple do when accepted my choices gave me that extra
often transgress into
bonds that are deeper
IS NOT faced with infideli-
ty? It really depends
boost. While I’ve never discussed things
with my father, he too, in his own quiet
and not merely sexu- THE on how partners way, has been supportive of me. And
al?
Humans by disposi- SOLUTION define commitment
and what they value
thankfully, so has my extended family.
Of course, my being in the media glare
tion are polygamous the most in their and the fact that Onir is making a film
— it is our learning and train- union. Sure it can be devastat- based on my life, Abhimanyu, is not
ing about decency, moral val- ing but instead of moping something my family can easily digest.
ues, and ethics that yokes our around, it would be better if My parents feel uncomfortable about my
proclivities. So a philanderer they took stock of the situation being so open about my homosexuality,
actually is expressing only his and tried to work their way but they realise that it is my life to lead.
‘natural’ biological self. And around it. Being honest has only made my relation-
having been reared in a society ship better with my parents.
that believes that unfaithful- WHAT TO DO WHEN SHE For quite some time I didn’t even go to
ness equates ‘sin’ and is a STRAYS work. I just kept studying further, only
reflection of a characterless ◗ Ask what are the reasons for because I feared facing the reality. This
individual, gives explanations this behaviour. did cause my parents a lot of heartache,
for his covetous ways so that ◗ Are you being able to meet for even as a 23-year-old, I didn’t have a
he/she may feel less guilt-rid- her requirements? If not, are job. But once I came out into the open,
den. So in a way, being you willing to? life suddenly became easier. My career
monogamous is hard, very ◗ Is this a cry of help, an graph has been on the rise and I’m a
hard. anguish that she cannot much happier person now.
The issue isn’t about morality express verbally?
As told to Ranjani Rajendra
MCT