The concept of reaching out to others for support isn’t about changing who you are. It’s about enlisting the help and advice of others to help you become who you can be.

1. The Greenlight
Group Launch Kit
A companion
resource to Keith
Ferrazzi’s Who’s
Got Your Back

2. CONTENTS
Intro 3
Recruitment 5
The First Meeting 8
Group Goals/Expectations 9
Take an Intimacy Break 10
Exchange Your Vows:
Promises 11
Principles 12
Rules of Engagement 13
Personal/Professional Check in: Goal Setting 14
Develop an Accountability Plan 15
Going Forward 16
Playback: What Worked, What Didn’t 17
Ongoing Meetings
Regular meeting agenda 18
Special meetings (recruitment, family day, special speakers) 21
Troubleshooting 22
Resources
Who’s Got Your Back excerpt 25
The Four Mindsets Cliff Notes 30
The Eight Steps to Instant Intimacy 31
Places to Go 32

3. INTRO
The concept of reaching out to others for support isn’t
about changing who you are. It’s about enlisting the help
and advice of others to help you become who you can be.
Keith Ferrazzi, Who’s Got Your Back
Welcome to the Greenlight Group Starter Kit, a companion resource to
the “Do It Yourself” chapter of Keith Ferrazzi’s Who’s Got Your Back! That
chapter, along with the info here, provides a basic process for launching
your own formal, sustainable peer support group – aka “Greenlight Group.”
What is a greenlight group?
A group of people who meet regularly as a team to help each other achieve
their most aggressive goals by giving each other feedback, supporting each
other, and holding each other accountable to progress. It is a powerful,
sustainable FREE tool to accomplish your most challenging goals and ditch
those crippling behaviors we all struggle with.
Do I really need one?
Are you looking to improve your career, or wanting to leapfrog to something
new or more challenging? Are you looking to improve your overall quality of
life? Are you looking to accomplish a specific goal, personal or professional,
in a specific period of time?
Would you like to improve your game? Are you looking for additional
advantage?
Do you feel stuck or out of balance? Have you ever had the suspicion you were
put on earth to accomplish something unique but you’re not sure what that is
or how to get there?
Despite your accomplishments, do you sometimes find yourself getting in your
own way? Are you ready to break through your own self-imposed glass ceiling?
Would a little more discipline help you?
Do you feel alone in your pursuits? Wouldn’t it be terrific to have people
who have your back and who’ll be there for you, in your career and in your
personal life?
Would you like to move beyond mediocrity to ultimate success?
If your answer to any of these questions is yes, then YES,
you need a Greenlight Group!
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4. INTRO
Three Things to Know Before You Get Started:
First:
This document is intended as a companion to Who’s Got Your Back – in other
words, read the book first! Before you start a formal Greenlight Group, you
should already:
• Actively practice the Four Mindsets
• Have experienced mutual support with individual partners
• Have done some focused work around goal setting and diagnoses of what’s
holding you back. (Check out Discover Your Currency, The Goals Toolbox, and
The Pick One Diagnostic for more help there.)
The Resource section of this kit provides a Who’s Got Your Back primer for
people who are new to the book.
Second:
Always remember that YOU are the architects of your own group; this kit only
presents some guidelines to help get you started.
Third:
We need your help! By starting your own group, you’re joining an important
and powerful movement of people committed to helping each other
succeed. Support the movement by contributing to the evolution of this kit
– share your feedback, ideas, and critique on the discussion board at www.
greenlightcommunity.com: What’s missing? What’s confusing? What did we get
wrong and right?
We’ll be updating the kit regularly. It’s YOU who will make the difference to
millions of people who will benefit from a free resource for building a mutual
support circle that won’t let them fail.
Congratulations on making an incredible commitment to your success
and to others!
4

5. RECRuITmENT
Every tribe creates lifeline relationships, and it is through
those relationships that we become aware of what is
unique in us.
Keith Ferrazzi, Who’s Got Your Back
Recruit your Greenlight Group team in seven steps:
1. Brainstorm.
Come up with a list of potential members. Ultimately you want 3-6 people
in your group, but not everyone will take you up on the offer, so don’t limit
yourself in the brainstorming stage.
For a discussion of what kind of person you’re looking for and where to look,
consult the Find Your Lifelines and Greenlight Groups chapters in Who’s Got
Your Back.
In short, you’re looking for 3-6 members who are:
• People you respect and admire and wouldn’t want to let down.
• People who will truly hold you accountable and respect the other
core values.
• People who share your level of commitment and ambition
• Highly motivated people who are ready to roll up their sleeves.
• Goal-oriented people—even if they haven’t yet articulated their own goals.
(They need your help!)
• People with a positive attitude, no matter what their field of expertise.
• Empathetic listeners, who tend to repeat what you have said in a way that
makes it clear they “get it”
• People with diverse backgrounds, for a variety of viewpoints.
Ask yourself:
• Is the person willing to speak candidly to you? Does he have the courage to
tell you the truths you need to hear? Will he allow you to be candid with him
in return?
• Is she able to be open and vulnerable with you? Is she understanding about
your fears and struggles?
• Is he ready to hold you accountable to help you achieve your goals, and
overcome the behaviors that are holding you back? Will he let you do the
same for him?
5

6. RECRuITmENT
• Is she generous to you and others? Is she generous enough to let you
help her?
• Can’t answer these questions? Then it’s time for a long, slow dinner to get
to know them better! Also check out the “Eight Steps to Instant Intimacy” –
there’s a cheat sheet in the Resource section of this kit, and a more detailed
version in WGYB.
2. Reach out.
Send your potential recruits (whether you’ve identified one or twelve) a casual
email or give them a quick call – whatever feels right to your relationship - to
feel out whether they’re interested.
The email might look like this:
I’m putting together a peer support group to make a big push toward accomplishing
some major career goals.
The idea is that as a team, we can get further faster by giving each other feedback,
supporting each other, and holding each other accountable to progress. I got
the idea for this by reading Keith Ferrazzi’s Who’s Got Your Back. The goal is to
become a group who’s deeply committed to not letting each other fail.
We’ll be meeting biweekly for at least the next three months. If you’re interested in
hearing more, give me a call!
Don’t be offended if people say no! You’re asking for a big commitment and
not everyone will be at a moment where they want to pursue their success
with such focus and commitment.
3. Follow up.
If they express interest, have a phone call to:
- tell them more about the vision of the group and the four mindsets it’ll
operate around
- talk about your personal goals, and theirs
- talk about the time commitment they could make: meetings should run
two hours, but will they be weekly, biweekly, or monthly? Overstate, not
understate, the commitment. --tell them not to decide now: take a couple
days to think about it first.
After the call, send them this kit (or if you’re feeling generous, a copy of the
book itself) to familiarize them with some of the foundational ideas and get
them excited.
6

7. RECRuITmENT
4. Register your group at the Greenlight Community.
This will give your group a private online hub to share info and continue
discussion on a site where groups from around the world are congregating
and sharing tips.
How:
After you’ve joined the Greenlight Community, click the “Add a Group”
button at:
http://www.greenlightcommunity.com/groups. Make sure that under
“Privacy” you click “Moderated Membership” – that way only the name and
description of your Group will be viewable to the public. Everything else will
be TOTALLY PRIVATE, seen only by the members you invite.
To see a public example of what your Group page might look like, go to:
http://www.greenlightcommunity.com/group/sample
5. Once you’ve invited everyone to your Greenlight Community Group,
use your Discussion Forum there as an easy way to get everyone’s input on:
- when to meet (ask everyone to post three weekly 2-hour windows
of availability)
- where to meet (anywhere can work, as long as it’s quiet, comfortable and
convenient to all, and reasonably private.
- the names of other potential members, if you need more
6. Confirm the time and place with an email that includes the Goal Toolkit
download (part of the Who’s Got Your Back Free Resource kit).
Everyone should fill it out to prepare for the first meeting.
7. Surrender your crown.
Once you’ve got your team onboard and aligned around a first meeting
date and place, it’s time for you to step down as leader. Everyone has equal
ownership of the group. Congrats and get set for your first meeting!
7

8. ThE FIRST mEETING
The goal of the first meeting is to move from Me to We – to get everyone
aligned around shared norms and expectations. It’s the formal group version
of WGYB Section III’s Long, Slow Dinner. It’s helpful if everyone in the group
comes to the meeting having read WGYB.
A 2-hour Agenda (based on 4-6 people):
0:00 Group Goals/Expectations (15 minutes)
0:15 Getting Acquainted (15 minutes)
0:30 Exchange Your Vows: Promises (10 minutes)
0:40 Exchange Your Vows: Guiding Principles (10 minutes)
0:50 Exchange Your Vows: Rules of Engagement (10 minutes)
1:00 Personal/Professional Check in: Goal Setting (30)
1:30 Develop an Accountability Plan (20 min)
1:50 Going Forward (5 min)
1:55 Playback: What Worked, What Didn’t (5 min)
2:00 Finito!
8

9. ThE FIRST mEETING GROUP GOALS/EXPECTATIONS
0:00 Group Goals/Expectations (15 minutes)
While your group is first and foremost about advancing each of your individual
goals, having a shared group goal helps ratchet up everyone’s belief in the
power and purpose of the whole as more than the sum of its part. You no
doubt already have some idea of your shared goals, since you’ve gone to all the
trouble of getting together, but it helps to make them explicit. You’re shared
goal will fall into one of two types: Practical or Visionary.
A Practical group goal makes sense when you share career or performance
goals.
Examples:
- Finding Employment
- Changing Careers
- Losing Weight
- Launching a Small Business
- Reducing Expenses
A Visionary goal makes sense when you have completely different on-the-
ground ambitions but share some kind of “meaning-of-life” or behavioral goals.
Examples:
- Commitment to Success through Mutual Support
- Improving Follow-Through
- Integrating Spirituality into Daily Life
- Mastering Time-Management
- Staying Proactive and Motivated
Consider creating a mission name that evokes your unifying goal at launch –
and of course, that mission can be revisited if the group shifts in purpose over
time, as individual needs change and members come and go.
BOX / GREENLIGHT COMMUNITY TIP: In the Discussion Forum in your
Greenlight Community Group, you can upload documents to create a private
info clearinghouse so that everyone in your group can access meeting notes
and all of your group’s documents at any time.
9

10. ThE FIRST mEETING TAKE AN INTIMACY BREAK
“When someone lets themselves be vulnerable, it opens the flood-
gates for change. If people see one person take the leap into the void,
it strengthens everybody else’s resolve. You feel proud, because you’ve
helped the person take a chance. And you know you’re not the only one.”
Greenlight Group Member, Los Angeles
O:15 Getting Acquainted (15 minutes)
During this part of first meeting, or anytime the group needs time to
reconnect, use some or all of the questions below. For each question, go
around the table and give each person the opportunity to speak.
1. What is your humble gift – something innate to you that helps you help
others at work or outside of work? Share a story about that gift with your
peers.
2. What is a struggle you went through that influenced who you are today?
3. What was the lowest point in your career, and what did you learn from it?
4. What’s the most important thing you want to have accomplished before you
leave this earth?
Tips:
- Share stories for a great exchange: Stories are emotional transportation.
- Be an active listener, and tease out stories from your partners. Find out when
they realized they had that gift, or about a time they helped someone. Don’t
accept a three-word answer.
- Be ready to be the first one to risk being vulnerable.
10

11. ThE FIRST mEETING EXCHANGE YOUR VOWS
0:30 Exchange Your Vows: Promises (10 minutes)
The Promises are a list of what you might call the end goals of your Greenlight
Group. They’re not about the tactical goals you’re pursuing, individually
or together, but about the positive changes you vow to create by working
together
Greenlight Group Promises
Rewrite these with whatever words you all agree on and feel comfortable with
as a group.
Together We Will Become:
• Joyful, by discovering and fulfilling our true potential with others’ help
• Authentic, grounded, and secure in who we are
• Free from behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs that may have held back our growth
• More willing to aspire to ever-higher levels of achievement, beyond what we
once thought possible
• Positive in our approach and attitude, with genuine encouragement and
enthusiasm for all, generously shared
• Forgiving, full of patience to deal with shortcomings—others’ and our own
• More willing to trust our instincts, courageously following our inner voice,
taking risks, and learning from mistakes
• Connected, not just to this powerful circle of people who care, but in all the
relationships that matter in our lives
• United, never letting each other fail!
NOTES:
11

12. ThE FIRST mEETING EXCHANGE YOUR VOWS
0:40 Exchange Your Vows: Principles (10 minutes)
From the list below, choose the principles that feel most appropriate and
important to the success of your group. Or make up your own, or rewrite the
principles in words that reflect your group’s personality. Revisit, add more, and
discuss them frequently for ongoing group development.
• Coddling is counterproductive and selfish, not generous.
• Support is about picking someone up off the floor—then telling him how he
got there.
• Service to others rewards the giver as much as the receiver.
• Relationships are dynamic; as members graduate, celebrate the time you had
to learn with them.
• Instincts are an important aspect of your decision-making process.
• Accountability starts with the individual.
• Scrupulous honesty is a must.
• “We’re all liars”—meaning we all have moments when we’re less than candid;
the key is to celebrate a quick recovery.
• Holding others accountable is an act of generosity.
• So-called failures are celebrated as opportunities to learn and grow.
• Humility is a virtue.
• We are all addicted to something; winners admit it and ask others for help.
• Each of us has unlimited potential for growth, no matter where we start.
• There are no quick fixes—we are in this for a lifetime of continuous growth.
• Our ears are always open.
• Encouragement and support are inseparable components of holding others
accountable.
• Create a safe place for taking risks.
• Air grievances right away. Don’t allow resentment to fester.
• Conflict—sparring—is a part of the process
• You own your own decision-making process, no one else.
12

13. ThE FIRST mEETING EXCHANGE YOUR VOWS
NOTES:
0:50 Exchange Your Vows: Rules of Engagement (10 minutes)
You should have a set of Rules of Engagement that outline expected conduct
during meetings. These rules don’t need to be complicated. Here are some that
we consider ‘musts’:
• Total confidentiality: What’s said at meetings stays at meetings. This will
ensure that members feel free to share.
• Be punctual. Starting on time and finishing on time show we’re respectful of
one another’s time.
• Be committed. Repeat absentees, or those who fail to uphold the core values
of the group, must be asked to leave.
• Be attentive. No cell phones or BlackBerries on during a meeting; everyone is
listening and focused.
• Skip the small talk. It’s fine before or after the meeting, but never during. This
will ensure that meetings are productive.
• No business transactions between members. Group members should not
conduct business with one another, although they are welcome to share
contacts and sources.
• No alcohol at regular meetings.
NOTES:
13

14. ThE FIRST mEETING PERSONAl/PROFESSIONAl ChECK IN
1:00 Personal/Professional Check in: Goal Setting (30 min)
Time for a brief discussion around each member’s goals and commitments.
Remember that:
• These early goals will almost certainly change as members spar and offer
insights, but everyone should start with something specific.
• During Spotlights in future meetings and with buddies, you’ll have more time
for deep-dives on goals.
In Prep:
• Fill out your Goal Planners in advance
• Review the Sparring section of WGYB for background on how to help each
other refine goals
In Practice:
• Use a stopwatch to keep time so everyone gets a chance to present
• Encourage people to frame their goals in positive terms: Say what you want,
not what you don’t want, or what’s going wrong.
• Have each person clearly state a goal to work on between this meeting and
the next.
Some suggested sparring question for goals:
• So you want to go where? Why? Will that make you happier?
• What is your motivation for achieving your goal? Is it internal or externally
motivated?
• How did you analyze this decision? How thorough was your thinking? Did you
ask yourself enough questions, and were they the right ones?
• What are the potential pitfalls and downsides? Do you have a contingency
plan in place?
• Describe the thought process that brought you to your decision.
• Are your short and long-term goals in alignment? If not, why not?
14

15. ThE FIRST mEETING DEVELOP AN ACCOUNTABILITY PLAN
1:30 Develop an Accountability Plan (20 min)
Together, make three decisions:
1. how will you track individual commitments?
Your tracking of group commitments could be as low-tech as a notebook, but
we recommend making use of GreenlightCommunity.com, so that everyone
has access to group documents and individual commitments at all times. Do
whatever works best for you – results, not the medium, are what’s important.
2. What are the consequences when a group member repeatedly lets
himself and others down?
Put in writing how your group will deal with:
- Failure to follow through on weekly goal-commitments
- Missed Meetings
- Disrespectful Behavior
Options include reviews, warnings, and ultimately, expulsion.
3. Who’s whose accountability buddy and when/how will they meet outside
of group meetings?
Pair buddies up by considering:
- Who will have the best insight into each others goals and behaviors
- -Group dynamics: Pairing up members who don’t know each other well can
help promote the group’s bonding
Rotate buddies every six months for:
- Diversity of thought
- Avoidance of cliques
- New energy
Once you’ve paired up, use the rest of the time for buddies to determine a
schedule for in-person, email or phone check-ins during the week.
GREENLIGHT COMMUNITY TIP: Each person should log their 1 year, 60 day,
and 30 day goals in the Greenlight Community group, so that all members are
clear and can readily monitor their peers’ progress. You can do it privately in
your group space, or on the community boards for the world to see!
15

16. ThE FIRST mEETING GOING FORWARD
1:50 Going Forward (5 min)
Choose a moderator, spotlight, and time & place for the next meeting.
The moderator rotates weekly and is responsible for:
- Keeping time at the meeting
- Recording commitments and any group-related business
- Uploading those notes to the Greenlight Community group space afterwards
(or if you’re lucky enough to meeting somewhere with Wi-Fi, right away),
along with the time and place for the next meeting
- Serving as the meeting’s “Yoda,” someone who speaks up when the Four
Mindsets aren’t being upheld or used actively
BOX: Why Do Greenlight Groups Need a Yoda?
Having the moderator serve as Yoda gives everyone a turn at actively practicing
and advocating for the Four Mindsets. For the hesistant, the Yoda role is
permission to taste the Four Mindsets in a safe environment.
Times when the moderator might need to pull a Yoda include:
- When someone is failing to be candid
- When someone is defensive
- When someone is failing at “caring critique”
The Spotlight in Brief (for more, see page 262 of Who’s Got Your Back):
- Deep-dives into a particular problem or goal
- Line up the spotlight for the next meeting based on members’ needs: Who
has a major event or issue that needs attention? Who desperately needs a
review of his life plan or goals for the year?
- Lasts an hour, including sparring and “I might suggest”
- Creates a time to call members out on chronic problems/handicaps
- -Spotlighted member should prepare a presentation beforehand, in writing,
and distribute it in advance
16

17. ThE FIRST mEETING PLAYBACK
1:55 Playback: What Worked, What Didn’t (5 min)
Everyone should quickly jot down and then share round robin what they
thought worked, and what might need to change.
WhAT WORKED?
WhAT DIDN’T?
That wraps up your first meeting!
17

18. ONGOING mEETINGS REGULAR MEETING AGENDA
Regular meeting agenda
Agenda:
0:00 Reaffirm Group Vows (5 minutes)
0:05 Professional/Personal Check-Ins (20 min)
0:25 Spotlight (20 minutes)
0:45 Sparring (30 minutes)
1:15 “I Might Suggest” (15 minutes)
1:30 Group Issues (10 minutes)
1:40 Review and Setting of Commitments (20 min)
2:00 Finish!
1. Reaffirm Group Vows (5 minutes)
Like a collective om before yoga class or an inspirational keynote that launches
a conference, this is a quick check-in on the higher-level goals and values that
your group has decided to celebrate—and a reminder that meetings are always
confidential, and this is a safe space in which to share.
2. Professional/Personal Check-Ins
(3 minutes per person; 20 minutes total)
Each member volunteers personal and professional successes and challenges
since the last meeting. Consider using a 0-to-5 scale for members to self-
evaluate their success maintaining a behavioral change week-by-week.
3. Spotlight (20 minutes)
A member selected at the previous meeting comes prepared, in writing, to
discuss an important issue. It could be a new goal, a behavioral issue, a problem
at work with a variety of potential courses of action, or something deeply
personal. Other members listen carefully and empathically. (Read more on
spotlights later in the section.)
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19. ONGOING mEETINGS REGULAR MEETING AGENDA
4. Sparring (30 minutes)
All members have a chance to engage in dialogue with the member in the
spotlight. Questioning should be Socratic and designed to spur deeper insights.
(See Step Six: Learn to Fight!, page 173.) Don’t worry if you don’t have all the
information you need to make a comment; that’s just not possible in the
space of a two-hour meeting, nor is it necessary. The point is not to “solve” a
problem or issue, but to push the subject to think in new and fresh ways.
5. “I might Suggest” (15 minutes)
Once an individual has discussed her issues and gone through the sparring
round, each member offers his or her take on the situation, starting with, “I
might suggest . . .” The language here, focusing on suggestion, is important:
It reminds everyone that the power and responsibility of analyzing data and
making decisions is always in the hands of the individual. No one is telling
anyone what to do, and in fact, sharing experiences or stories is always
preferable to giving advice. (Over time, a buddy might play a stronger advisory
role.)
“I might suggest” comments could include offering a referral to a potential
mentor or someone who can provide tactical advice or services, access to a
resource, information the members think the individual should consider, an
insightful story, or anything else that the members think might help a fellow
member. If a group member doesn’t have any insights or experience to share,
all he has to do is say something like, “I’m not sure I’ve got anything useful to
add here, but I’m here to support you; I know you can succeed.”
6. Group Issues (10 minutes)
An ongoing discussion of team dynamics, challenges, membership, and
logistical issues. Also confirm time and location of next meeting, and select
the moderator and spotlight subject. If your group assigns homework such as
reading a book, do so now.
19

20. ONGOING mEETINGS REGULAR MEETING AGENDA
7. Review and Setting of Commitments
(3 minutes each; 20 minutes total)
All members update the group on their goal commitments from the prior
week or month—however often you meet or get together. This could
include a review of recent work with each member’s accountability buddy.
Commitments are recorded in writing and distributed to the group.
BOX: A Final, Very Serious Recommendation
Have fun! The ultimate key to the sustainability of your group will be first and
foremost the professional value the group provides. But a close second is how
much fun you have together. It’s fine to infuse the meetings with a little humor
sometimes. Don’t be afraid if the occasional meeting becomes more about
kibitzing than work. Let people get close to one another around subjects other
than the serious business of growth and change.
Now go ahead—get started!
20

21. ONGOING mEETINGS SPECIAL MEETINGS
Special meetings (recruitment, family day, special speakers)
Outside of your regular ongoing meetings, you might consider special meetings
for:
Recruitment:
In general, meetings should be private. But if the group agrees, occasional
visitors can be an effective recruitment tool. You might plan in advance to
dedicate one meeting every few months to recruitment, then bring in several
visitors Seeing the process in action is a great way to excite people around a
concept that they may have never been exposed to. Just check in advance, and
make sure all members –particularly the member in the spotlight that day–are
okay with the visit.
Education
Have a meeting to listen to a guest speaker whose message could benefit all
members. This can be a great way to split the cost of a session with a paid
coach or time management expert. Often local libraries or other municipal
buildings will allow free use of a space in the evening, if the speaker is of
interest to a wide audience and you open admission to the public (a great
recruitment tool, too!). You can preserve the spirit of your Greenlight Group
by dedicating a portion of the meeting to a pointed question-and-answer
session.
Socializing:
Organize occasional social events outside of your regular meetings, to meet
spouses and family and just have fun.
“Good of the group” issues:
The time may come when you need more than the normal ten minutes
allotted in your regular meeting to deal with group issues. These could concern
team dynamics (some members are less committed or be kept out of the loop),
individual issues (members aren’t making progress), process issues (meetings are
feeling too long, too short, too infrequent), or anything else related to group
harmony and progress. You may need to schedule an entire session focused
on the good of the group. Don’t feel like this is a distraction from moving
forward on your individual goals. If something is deeply wrong with the group’s
progress, it could well be that it’s a deep reflection of the very issues that
are holding individuals back. Focusing on the group problem could free the
group to dig deep into challenges in a way that’s nonconfrontational. An issues
meeting is the ultimate in “Me to We” action, and it’s guaranteed to benefit
everybody.
21

22. TROuBlEShOOTING
Trouble 1: You’re off to a bang – then motivation flags.
In research on groups and group formation there have been studies looking at
how motivation changes as a function of expectations. In short, motivation
is often is related to one’s expectations and to what degree they’re fulfilled.
So it’s important that expectation aligns with experience, or you may see
members dropping out.
Greenlight Groups may require some expectation management. Some people
may join the group and show up at meetings, but forget they still need to do
the work! Others may feel like since they’re making a major time commitment,
they’d better see results – fast!
Even a tool as effective as mutual support can’t promise overnight results.
That’s why it’s important to enroll folks in the long-term view. That involves a
candid discussion of expectations, starting in the recruitment stage.
In a group with varied expectations, goals, schedules, and motivation, how
does one even begin to manage expectations? Setting expectations too high
may set people up for failure; go too low and people may feel they’re not
getting enough benefit for their commitment.
The answer? Leave it up to the individuals to set their own bar – but make sure
that everyone communicates their expectations to the rest of the group.
Besides managing expectations, here are some other tips for revving up
motivation and morale:
1. Add a new member. Bringing in fresh blood will remind everyone of why you
started the group in the first place. You’ll all be on your best behavior to set
a good example, and it’ll provide an opportunity to refresh your Promises
and Principles.
2. Take a break. Have a meeting devoted to fun, or an activity that inspires
everybody to achieve.
3. Set time constraints. Sometimes you need the pressure of a deadline to get
your motor running – and the promise of a rest afterwards. You can use your
30 or 60 days goals to get everyone aligned around a big push to the finish.
22

23. TROuBlEShOOTING
Trouble 2: members Feel Cynical or unsure about “Getting Intimate”
Many people shirk at the thought of participating in any exercise that involves
talking about “feelings,” particularly with someone other than their spouse or a
family member (and sometimes even then!)
Here’s why it’s important: Emotions influence behavior. For those of you who
are still thinking, “I don’t care about emotions; give me raw facts, data, and
logic,” consider what psychologists call self-discrepancy theory. That’s the
notion that each one of us has an idea of our ideal self, an understanding of
our actual self, and a realization of the gap between these two selves.
Our awareness of this gap is analytical, but our reaction to it is usually
emotional –feelings such as anger, sadness, or depression may surface. That’s
just one instance where thoughts spur emotions, both of which can then
influence our behaviors.
Awareness of these emotions, and the ability to share them and analyze them
with others, can help us see how they might be holding us back.
Trouble 3: meetings get contentious.
Don’t fear conflict. It’s part of the process. In virtually every group, conflict is
integral to team cohesion. It forces groups to pause and reflect on the current
situation, to bring everyone up to speed, and to try to improve upon the status
quo. Researcher Dean Tjosvold contends in the Journal of Organizational
Behavior that well-managed conflict helps us “probe problems, create
innovative solutions, learn from experience, and enliven relationships.”
When dealing with group conflict, remind everyone that Greenlight Groups
celebrate conflict. Conflict isn’t a battle, it’s a tool for growth. Engage problems
promptly, and work toward consensus. Remember that in Greenlight Groups,
the goal is always collaboration, not compromise. Try to take away a lesson
from every conflict, to reinforce the idea that conflicts are truly a good, not an
evil. It’s how you deal with conflict that matters.
When dealing with conflict one-on-one, approach the person with patience,
humility, and respect. (This applies to group conflicts as well.) Remember, you
owe every member of your group the benefit of the doubt. Keep in mind that
none of us is blameless. Forgive your partner before you even begin to work
through the details of your conflict. It gives him the space to recover, and
to apologize. Taking ego out of the equation allows partners to be their best
instead of their worst.
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24. TROuBlEShOOTING
In his book Forum: The Secret Advantage of Successful Leaders, Mo Fathelbab
offers some valuable guidelines for one-on-one conflict resolution, which I’ve
summarized and expanded upon below:
1. Candor and transparency. Address the person you have a conflict with
directly, not through a third party.
2. Trust your instincts. Address problems right away so they don’t fester and
blow up.
3. Choose the relationship you have with others. If you have an issue with a
member of the group, it’s your problem—at least until you bring it to the
attention of that person.
4. De-heat the room (aka no drama). Avoid personal attacks. Focus on the
behaviors that are troubling you. For example, say, “I’m bothered by how
often you interrupt me,” not “I dislike you.” That keeps the conversation
rooted in caring, not combat.
5. “I might suggest . . .” Avoid ultimatums that create a winner and a loser.
6. Facts are powerful. Don’t just talk about your judgments and feelings. Make
sure you clearly state the facts, and the change you are looking for.
7. Get a reality check. If there’s a disagreement about what happened, bring in
another member of the group to mediate.
8. Keep digging. If the problem is more than just a communication issue, try to
push beyond the symptoms to the root causes. Are petty annoyances and
nitpicky issues the signs of something deeper? For example, if someone is
being overly negative and offending others, the core issue may be fear that
the group hasn’t truly accepted him.
Have a trouble that’s not covered here? Go ask for help at
GreenlightCommunity.com!
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25. RESOuRCES WHO’S GOT YOUR BACK EXCERPT
Why You Need the “Lifeline Relationships”
that Create Success – And Won’t Let You Fail
Adapted from Who’s Got Your Back
By Keith Ferrazzi
Behind every great leader, at the base of every great tale of success, you will
find an indispensable circle of trusted advisors, mentors, and colleagues. These
groups come in all forms and sizes and can be found at every level and in nearly
all spheres of both professional and personal life, but what they all have in
common is a unique kind of connection with each other that I’ve come to call
lifeline relationships.
These relationships are, quite literally, why some people succeed far more than
others.
There’s a good chance that you’ve already experienced the power and
potential of lifeline relationships at some point in your life. Imagine some
of the attributes of the best bosses you’ve ever had—the kind of boss who
encourages you, who gives you space to grow, who appreciates your efforts,
who doesn’t micromanage but guides your development with wisdom, and
who handles your slip-ups with firmness, understanding, and candor. Or think
back to that good friend or family member who dropped everything to be
there for you at a critical juncture in your life and didn’t let you fail. Picture
that associate you had at work who took a risk for you, and whose influence
still touches you today.
If you’ve ever had an important person or group of people in your life who’ve
shepherded you in the right direction—even if you’ve had just a taste of it—you
know what I mean.
A Call to Action
Each one of us is a salesperson, leader, and entrepreneur, seeking answers. All
of us work hard at our jobs and careers—and I include stay-at-home parents
in this category. We’re all entrepreneurs of our own ideas, whether we own
our own companies or work for someone else. We’re all leaders in our own
lives—with our colleagues, with our employees, with our kids, and in our
communities. Each one of us is a salesperson of ourselves and our opinions,
if not of business products and services. And most of us come up against
personal and professional problems that are just too big to solve alone. If we
want to be as successful as we know we can be, we need the help of others.
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26. RESOuRCES WHO’S GOT YOUR BACK EXCERPT
So whether you’re running a country, a business, or a household, you can’t
know everything you need to know to be successful—no one can. We need the
advice and feedback of people we trust. It’s why mothers instinctively reach
out to other mothers for advice on schools and doctors. It’s why parents talk
to other parents about schools, curriculums, student activities, social events,
dating, teenagers, and the like. It’s why the most successful teams surpass each
team member’s wildest individual dreams. It’s the reason presidents create
“kitchen cabinets.” Reaching out to and connecting with others doesn’t show
up on the syllabus of most business schools. But one day it will.
Here are eight things that are clear as day to me:
1. Life coaching, with its hazy self-helpish title, comes in for more than its
fair share of ribbing in the media and elsewhere. But look past the snarky
skepticism and you’ll find a nearly $3 billion market of executive, life, and
career coaches. And it’s growing at a clip of 25 percent a year! A massive
industry has emerged suddenly to fill a relationship vacuum. As a society,
we’re crying out for more community, more help, more advice and support.
As individuals, we’re looking for lifeline relationships anywhere we can get
them, even if we have to buy them. This is an issue that’s not going away.
2. Most organizations remain entrenched in the status quo. And the status quo
is often a hierarchical structure where communication is downward, linear,
and one-way, from management on down. But real, candid communication—
communication that spawns open, honest relationships—is nearly impossible
if based on such one-way communication.
Top-down directives might have been fine when employees were factory
cogs and work was all about efficiency. But most of us no longer do cog-
like work. In the information age, success is less about efficiency than
effectiveness—that is, the ability to get the right things done, rather than
just the ability to do things right.
Those who have a few close, deep relationships are able to get the feedback,
perspective, and input that are the lifeblood of effective decision makers.
The better you become at building such relationships, the better you’ll be at
what you do, and the more value you’ll bring to the table, whether you work
inside or outside an organization.
3. A seismic shift is now under way as passionate individuals, empowered by
technology, come together to form ad hoc “tribes” capable of tackling all
manner of projects. The Internet has provided the tools for sharing and
cooperating on a global scale.
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27. RESOuRCES WHO’S GOT YOUR BACK EXCERPT
Everywhere you look, you can see people coming together around shared
interests to work together, to make change, to take action. The potential
to transform the workplace, society, and the economy is revolutionary.
And those who’ll play the biggest part will be the ones with the skills and
behaviors that I talk about in this book.
4. The Internet is an important tool, but it’s not the answer. There’s an
explosion of new sites available to help connect people. Ning, Meetup,
Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook . . . the list is endless. There are now countless
ways to coordinate and connect us, but “connections” are not lifelines.
Online, we have more “friends” than ever, but we’re still damn lonely. In
1985, the average American had three people in whom to confide matters
that were important to him, according to a 2006 study in the American
Sociological Review. That number has now dropped to two. More than 25
percent of Americans admit they have no confidants at all.
5. Considering the vacuum of skilled, effective frontline management in
companies today, executives, managers, and employees who are proactive
in finding a team of advisors to help give them feedback and coaching,
accountability, and support are the ones who will flourish in today’s
challenging environment. They’ll also save their companies a lot of time
and money by being more knowledgeable, perceptive, productive, and
innovative. Lifelines are prepared to take risks and speak openly with each
other, fueling the creative interchange from which new ideas spring.
6. Most people want more out of work these days than just a paycheck. Heck,
most of us want more out of life. Like no other time in history, people are
taking the search for meaning in their work more seriously.
There is no easier or more effective way to gain that meaning in our jobs,
and find work enjoyable again, than creating lifeline relationships. In his book
Vital Friends, author Tom Rath cites research from the Gallup Organization
that attests to the fact that people who have a best friend at work are seven
times more likely to be engaged in their jobs. Yep—that’s seven times. Not
only are these people more joyful and more apt to innovate, take risks,
collaborate, and share bold new ideas, but their customers are more engaged
as well. In fact, if you have close friends at work whom you respect, your
employee satisfaction level increases by 50 percent (you’re happier with
your benefits as well as your paycheck).
And that happens to be good for your employer, too. A study of fifty-five
high-performing global business teams at fifteen global firms conducted for
a 2007 Harvard Business Review article, “Eight Ways to Build Collaborative
Teams,” found that deep social bonds were the major predictor of team
success. The other two? Formal initiatives to strengthen relationships, and
leaders who invest the time to build strong relationships with their teams.
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28. RESOuRCES WHO’S GOT YOUR BACK EXCERPT
But companies spend little effort to promote these kinds of friendships
and relationships as of yet. Every one of those companies, though, is a tribe
waiting to happen, a group of people hungry to be transformed by a few
lifeline relationships.
7. For business, an initiative is not common sense unless it makes dollars and
cents. There are a handful of forward-thinking companies that formally
encourage employees to establish lifeline relationships. For the rest, their
inattention has a price: According to a 2004 study by Deloitte Research, the
annual cost of worker disenchantment in the United States is a stunning $350
billion, and approaches half a trillion dollars globally. American companies
invest $50 billion annually in leadership training. A report published by the
consulting firm Booz Allen Hamilton (now Booz & Company) pointedly
summarizes the situation: Senior executives in every industry and every
region lament their organizations’ inability to execute. As firms grow in scale
and scope in a global environment of increasingly rigorous stakeholder
demands, the cost of complexity necessarily rises and the capacity to align
and adapt invariably diminishes.
In other words, as far as leadership training is concerned, the loss outstrips
the investment seven to one. Which confirms my opinion that most
leadership training completely misses its target. According again to the
Gallup studies, only 18 percent of people work for organizations that provide
opportunities for social bonding in the workplace. A few companies have
created outright rules against employee “fraternizing.” But more firms
unwittingly discourage teamwork and mutual support through misguided
policies.
Companies and individuals who reject mutual support are going against the
grain of research—and pure common sense.
8. And finally, mama knows best! Consider my mother’s card club back in
Latrobe. It was originally made up of eight women meeting regularly every
month; for the past forty-three years they have shared their dreams for their
families, their joys and struggles in their marriages, their frustration in making
ends meet. When I called Mom to ask her about her group, she told me they
were just talking about how angry they were over the growing size of the
empty space at the center of a roll of toilet paper—not exactly what I was
expecting!
Of course, they did much more for each other than commiserate over the
price of paper goods. The ladies helped each other through cancer, heart
disease, and the deaths of two members, “Aunt” Rita and “Aunt” Ruth, giving
and receiving love and support from each other around the card table.
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29. RESOuRCES WHO’S GOT YOUR BACK EXCERPT
Point is, look around and you’ll see the imprint of powerful peer-to-peer
support everywhere. From FDR’s and JFK’s kitchen cabinets to church
basement support groups to the larger-than-life examples of successful
bosses and their high-performing teams on the covers of national magazines,
we saw groups helping to provide support and advice to improve the lives of
others, every day.
A Personal Testimonial for lifelines
Years ago, after I published my first book Never Eat Alone, I had plenty of
relationships in my life – but not plenty of lifelines, people I could really open
up to, share my fears and failures and goals and dreams with, and ask for help. I
had started to think that because I was the boss and people looked to me as an
expert, I was supposed to be the one with all the answers. But I didn’t always
have them. The really powerful relationships I did have—my family, some
intimate friends I’ve had for years—couldn’t deliver the kind of insight and
feedback on my career and life that I most needed to hear. I needed people I
trusted who understood my professional goals. I had those people in my life,
too! I’d just never asked for their help. I was too afraid I would come across as
weak or flawed; I was frankly embarrassed by some of my behaviors. Why risk
undermining other people’s perceptions of me by admitting my weaknesses?
But inside I knew I was fooling myself if I thought they didn’t already see it for
themselves.
Starting with 3 core relationships, I built the protective tribe I needed to
support me, push me farther, and hold me accountable to change. Those
relationships changed my life. They improved my business. They made me feel
secure and grounded despite a world of constantly shifting parts.
Four Ways lifeline Relationships Will help You
Here are four ways I believe lifeline relationships are critical:
1. To help us identify what success truly means for us, including our long-term
career plans.
2. To help us figure out the most robust plan possible to get there, through
short-term goals and strategies that would tie us into knots if we tried to go
it alone.
3. To help us identify what we need to stop doing to move forward in our lives.
I’m referring to the things we all do that hold us back from achieving the
success we deserve.
4. To have people around us committed to ensuring that we sustain change so
that we can transform our lives from good to great.
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30. RESOuRCES THE FOUR MINDSETS CLIFF NOTES
Attract lifelines, Starting Now
Too many people make the mistake of thinking serendipity, chemistry, or some
kind of magic is required to bring these deep, trusting relationships into your
life. Here’s what I know from experience, in my own life and through many
years of working with corporate executives and their teams: You can usher
lifeline relationships into your life, starting today. It may require some new
mindsets, behaviors and strategies, but at the most basic level, all it requires is
you making a choice – to stop going it alone and let others in.
The Four Mindsets Cliff Notes
There are four core mind-sets—which can be learned and practiced—that form
the behavioral foundation for creating the deep trusting relationships that
create success.
• Generosity. This is the base from which all the other behaviors arise. This
is the commitment to mutual support that begins with the willingness to
show up and creatively share our deepest insights and ideas with the world.
It’s the promise to help others succeed by whatever means you can muster.
Generosity signals the end of isolation by cracking open a door to a trusting
emotional environment, a “safe space”—the kind of environment that’s
necessary for creating relationships in which the other mind-sets can flourish.
• Vulnerability. This means letting your guard down so mutual understanding
can occur. Here you cross the threshold into a safe space after intimacy
and trust have pushed the door wide open. The relationship engendered by
generosity then moves toward a place of fearless friendship where risks are
taken and invitations are offered to others.
• Candor. This is the freedom to be totally honest with those you confide in.
Vulnerability clears the pathways of feedback so that you are able to share
your hopes and fears. Candor allows us to begin to constructively interpret,
respond to, and grapple with that information.
• Accountability. Accountability refers to the action of following through on
the promises you make to others. It’s about giving and receiving the feet-to-
the-fire tough love through which real change is sustained.
Learn more about incorporating the Four Mindsets in your life in Section II of
Who’s Got Your Back.
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31. RESOuRCES THE EIGHT STEPS TO INSTANT INTIMACY
The Eight Steps to Instant Intimacy
Put these steps into practice when meeting someone new or when you’d like
to transform a relationship you already have into one that has Greenlight
Group potential.
1. Create an authentic environment around you: Ever walked into a room
completely intimidated in advance, having psyched yourself out before you
got in the door? The first step is to get grounded. Take a deep breath. Relax.
Let the other person see who you are and what you have to offer—your
concern, your interest, your passion, your intelligence, your skill.
2. Suspend your prejudice: Walk into every situation with as few presumptions
as possible. If anything, expect the best, and look for ways to express your
interest in and concern for a new contact.
3. Project the positive: Be proactive and positive. Once you’ve found your
inner voice and know you’re speaking authentically, from there it’s a simple
step to projecting positive feelings onto other people—the kinds of feelings
that will help to bridge the gap between you and establish a welcoming, safe
environment for the other person.
4. Share your passions: Sharing initiates a chain reaction that opens everyone
up. Start with your interests and passions. Talk about the things in life that
really move you. Don’t feel as though you have to have shared passions; just
share your passions, preferably by telling a story.
5. Talk about your goals and dreams: Everybody has goals and dreams—for
themselves, their businesses, their families. Few things are more powerful
than being able to talk to one another about where we want to go in this
world!
6. Revisit your past: Allow yourself to be vulnerable by sharing past struggles.
This may take you out of your comfort zone, but it’s worth the risk – it’ll
invite your new contact to trust you, an important step to finding out how
to truly help them. Most people find it easier to talk about past struggles
because they’re behind us. In fact, talking about a challenge we’ve overcome
might even be considered focusing on our strengths, rather than revealing a
weakness.
7. What’s keeping you up at night?: Talk about what’s bothering you now
– at home or at work. How are your workplace relationships? How’s your
relationship with your spouse or partner, your kids or parents? Got any
health concerns? How are you doing financially? You may not be ready to
dive into this level of self-disclosure with someone you just met; be an
attentive judge of when the bond is strong enough.
31

32. PlACES TO GO
8. Future fears: The final step toward intimacy and trust is being open and
sharing your fears and concerns about the future, which is where our real
insecurities and weaknesses come into play. Our concerns might revolve
around the economy, our personal limitations, or looming questions about
our life direction—whatever it is, in short, that makes us afraid. Sharing these
kinds of fears both requires and builds the deepest level of trust.
More Fun Stuff
Join Keith’s Greenlight Community!
There’s no better tool to support your new team-driven success strategy than
the Greenlight Community – an online gathering of successful professionals
who sign on to give and receive the encouragement, feedback, and generous
mutual support every one of us needs to reach our full potential.
Besides community support, you’ll find resources and tools to make your new
Greenlight Group a major success. Sign up at Greenlightcommunity.com!
Check out Keith’s first book!
Who’s Got Your Back gives you the tools to develop a small circle of lifeline
relationships. Keith’s first book, the best-selling Never Eat Alone, teaches you
how to build a broad network of contacts without becoming a networking jerk.
Learn how to :
• Manage the Gatekeeper, Artfully
• “Ping” Constantly
• Warm Up Cold Calls
• Broaden your circle with an Anchor Tenant
• Broadcast Your Brand
For more info, visit KeithFerrazzi.com today
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