1. Welcome to Myrna, or, Oakapple’s Own, a special part of Ruth’s
(un)Officially Wacky Boolprop Challenge. Ruth’s takes place in the very
same neighborhood as my story Already in Progress, and Myrna involves
Sims from AiP.
Now, I know that some of you read both stories. I also know that some of
you only read Ruth’s or AiP So while we listen to the overture (because
this Plot has been shamelessly ripped off appropriated from one of Gilbert
& Sullivan’s operas), let me introduce you to everyone.
2. I’m sure readers of Ruth’s will recognize these folks.
Buttercup is the oldest, and is not the heir. She tends towards all things yellow,
and is your go-to person for “party supplies.” She was originally a Pleasure Sim,
but her Junior year “reroll” left her as Fortune.
Old Adam – who goes by just plain Adam – is the middle child. As you can see,
he is a vampire. He has become known as a writer of fables, and uses the pen
name of “Adam the All-Right” – because he is never wrong. Adam is very
concerned with doing the proper thing, hence the evening dress and the new ‘do.
Oakapple is the youngest. He is a personality clone of his sister, which probably
explains why they don’t get along. Oakapple has read The Gloaming by Sophie
Mayer (and all its sequels). Hopefully, this is obvious.
3. From Already in Progress, we have two groups. This group, first cousins to the
Shankel clan, has already graduated.
Charlotte “Charlie” Miller is the oldest. In college, Charlie joined the other two
in founding a fraternity. Fraternities are traditionally male-only, but it was agreed
that she could join since she liked girls too. Before graduation, Charlie was
dating Louise Sanders (see next picture), but nothing was formalized.
Dante “Don” Miller is Charlie’s twin brother. He has a whopping nine Nice
points, and likes red-haired girls. In fact, he has a decided preference for a
particular redheaded girl (see next picture), and since he has lots of Serious
points to keep those Nice points company, you can probably see where this is
headed.
Descartes (say “day-CART”) Littledragon is a bit younger than cousins Charlie
and Don, but is definitely the leader of this little group. This is because he is
made of Win plus Awesome. Officially, Descartes does not have anyone special.
4. The second group from AiP and environs is currently in college.
Albert Adams is the son of a rock star with one husband, one girlfriend, and
many groupies. He rebelled by becoming conservative. Buttercup likes him.
Edgar Miller is Charlie and Don’s half-brother. He has ten Nice points, and is
currently holding down the Cham Hoh Fraternity.
Louise Sanders has a twin sister (see below). Although she was dating Charlie
before the latter’s graduation, Louise likes boys too.
Oliver Couderc is Samantha’s cousin and Oakapple’s best (human) friend. He
can talk the hind leg off a donkey – provided he’s known it for a while.
Samantha Littledragon is musically inclined. She is best friends with Buttercup
and Louise, and had a huge crush on Edgar before switching to Don.
5. And finally, we have Myrna. Myrna is Louise’s twin sister, and is
currently a Pleasure Sim. Myrna looks very much like her grandfather,
with a generous helping of her grandfather’s grandmother thrown in for
good measure. She is quite active, so I’m sure you can see just how much
she likes to eat – not that there’s anything wrong with liking food! Myrna
is also a very important Sim: the heir to my OWBC will be the one who
marries her.
Now that you’ve all been introduced, let’s continue on with the story:
Myrna, or, Oakapple’s Own.
6. LOUISE: Oh, he’s perfect, isn’t he?
ABBEY TSVIRKUNOV: Beautiful! The way he sparkles…!
SAMANTHA: And he’ll never look at us mere mortals.
BRENDA SEAVEY: Never, never, never.
LOUISE: We’ll grow old and die and he’ll never even look at us like that.
(All sigh deeply)
7. MYRNA: I don’t get it. Why are you all so into this guy? What’s wrong
with your old boyfriends? Or girlfriends.
SAMANTHA: You wouldn’t understand. You’ve never been in love.
MYRNA: No, I haven’t. And if makes you into party poopers like you
guys, then I don’t want to be. Not when there are couches to jump on.
8. Here you can see that the household is in compliance with the Official
rules: three flamingos per OWBC participant and a gnome to “guard”
them, although the gnome actually spends most of his time being stolen.
But with a household as generally Mean as this one, people practically
fight over who gets to steal the gnome back.
9. Old Adam often wins simply by being the only Sim awake at gnome-
retrieval time.
As you can see, Adam has lost his claim to being called “beautiful.” Don’t
get me wrong – personally, I quite like the way he looks. But you have to
admit that, even though it doesn’t afford the little birds a perch to roost
upon, his nose is definitely in the same class as Cyrano de Bergerac’s.
10. The gnome is safe from no one. I daresay the Sims in the household would
steal him if they could. Since they can’t, their significant others have to do
it for them.
DESCARTES: Charlotte Anne Miller! Don’t you even think of stealing
that gnome!
CHARLOTTE: Oh, come on. It’s a cheap garden gnome. They’ll never
miss it.
DESCARTES: I can’t believe you’re rationalizing such a terrible action!
Why, it’s on the lawn of the dorm inhabited by your very own girlfriend!
CHARLOTTE: You wanted to steal it yourself, didn’t you?
DESCARTES: …Maybe.
And speaking of Charlie and Louise…
11. CHARLOTTE: Do I look okay?
DANTE: You look fine.
CHARLOTTE: Are you sure? Maybe I should wear the other one.
DESCARTES: You’re awesome. Not as awesome as me, of course, but
pretty awesome anyway.
CHARLOTTE: Really?
DESCARTES: If Gawaine Goodytwoshoes, Zane Devereaux, Spider
Jerusalem Vetinari, Rolley Wonglepong, and Ichabod Marmite had a
baby, that would be the amount of awesome we’re talking about here.
CHARLOTTE: You can’t have five parents. And they’re all boys…
DESCARTES: And you can’t propose to your girlfriend sitting around
here arguing about genetics. Don and I are here for moral support, so let’s
go.
12. CHARLOTTE: Hey, Louise. New hairdo? It’s nice. Listen, I –
LOUISE: Not now, Charlie.
CHARLOTTE: Sorry?
LOUISE: Not now – he’s going to be here any minute!
CHARLOTTE: Who?
13. LOUISE: Oakapple!
ABBEY: Squeeeee! (faints)
OAKAPPLE (to nobody in particular): Did you hear something?
SAMANTHA: Oakapple! Oakapple! We’re here!
LOUISE: (aside) Esme, he looks just like Edwin from The Gloaming!
(aloud) Oakapple!
OAKAPPLE (to nobody in particular): Nope – must have been the wind.
14. CHARLOTTE: Louise, wait!
LOUISE: Sorry, Charlie. Straightforward party animals are so out.
(pittyingly) You should read The Gloaming – then you’d understand. I’d
loan you my copy, but I kinda need it. – Oakapple! Wait!
15. DESCARTES: So how’d it go?
CHARLOTTE: This is not fair! I mean, I even joined a frat! Girls love frat
boys!
DESCARTES: Well, Chuck, there’s a small problem with that
statement…
CHARLOTTE: Oh, who cares that I’m not actually a boy? Girls are
supposed to like people who know how to show them a good time, not a –
a – a metrosexual in lipstick! Did you notice that he has stubble and wears
foundation? What kind of poseur combines stubble and foundation? And
how do you keep the foundation from covering up your stubble, anyway?
DESCARTES: Mascara.
CHARLOTTE: I’m not even going to ask how you know that.
16. OAKAPPLE: So whaddya say, Myrna? Go out with me!
MYRNA: No, thank you, Oakapple. (concentrates fiercely on her omelet)
OAKAPPLE: Oh, come on. I’m a young, handsome vampire. All the girls
love me. And I love you! Aren’t you lucky? Come on, go out with me!
MYRNA: Thank you, Oakapple, but vampires really aren’t my thing.
OAKAPPLE: Do you see any fangs here? (bares non-fanged teeth briefly)
So what will it take for you to go out with me?
MYRNA: Oakapple, please don’t take this the wrong way, but… nothing.
There really is nothing that would make me go out with you. I’m sorry.
OAKAPPLE: Really?
MYRNA: Really. I’m sorry.
OAKAPPLE: (with forced cheerfulness): No, no, nothing to apologize for.
There’s lots of good fish in the sea. Um – See you around, then? (slinks off
miserably)
17. Oakapple pretty routinely turns to his best friend Oliver to cheer him up.
Oliver is a physics major, but he’s quite fond of the makeover chair,
probably because it gives him a chance to socialize with people in a non-
stressful way. Oliver also writes All Possible Worlds fanfic and is active in
several online communities. One of his stories was even nominated for a
reader’s choice award.
He’s reasonably good at giving makeovers, too.
18. Oakapple is not a Worlder,* so he and Oliver have a lot of pillow fights.
I don’t know about your game, but in my game pillow fights almost seem
to be a low-level flirt. It’s one of the first things that newlyweds do. It’s
the favorite pastime of my long-married couples. And if one of my Sims
has bolts for an in-law, they’ll be pillow fighting pretty much every time I
turn my back.
Oakapple likes the ladies, and Oliver hasn’t gotten around to expressing a
gender preference. (Probably because he hasn’t met any zombies in formal
wear yet.) But it might be a good idea if Oakapple’s fangirls didn’t find
out about this.
*A person who is into All Possible Worlds; roughly equivalent to a Trekkie.
19. They probably shouldn’t find out about this either…
OAKAPPLE (sings, off-key but enthusiastically):
I’m a Barbie girl
In a Barbie wo-oo-orld
Life in plastic
It’s fantastic…
20. OAKAPPLE: Phew! It’s good to be alone! (picks up bunny-bear) It’s hard
work, Bunthorne. I hate drab clothes and broodiness and simmering
violence.
BUNTHORNE:
OAKAPPLE: Because the girls love it, Bunthorne, that’s why I do it.
Same with the makeup.
BUNTHORNE:
OAKAPPLE: You didn’t really think I looked like this naturally, did you?
Makeup. And Victoria’s Secret Beauty Rush Dial-a-Shimmer lotion. Girls
love the sparkles.
BUNTHORNE:
OAKAPPLE: Well of course real vampires don’t sparkle, Bunthorne.
They can’t go out during the day, either. It’s not my fault that Sophie
Mayer can’t be bothered to get her facts straight.
21. BUTTERCUP: I just don’t know, Louise. What am I going to do with all
the money I’m making?
LOUISE: …Spend it? Or you can give some to me.
BUTTERCUP: (laughs) You’re funny. No, how am I going to explain it?
That’s how they got Al Capone, you know – tax fraud. What am I going to
tell them I do?
ALBERT: You can just say what you do – it’s illegal for the tax people to
tell law enforcement. You can even deduct your ordinary and reasonable
business expenses: cost of goods sold, stuff like that.
BUTTERCUP: Really?
ALBERT: Yeah. You can’t deduct the illegal stuff – eliminating a
competitor, maybe – but you can claim an awful lot. You know, I can
probably give you some in-depth advice, if you want.
BUTTERCUP: I’ll think about it. Thanks, Albert.
22. SAMANTHA: You really don’t love anybody? You never have? I mean,
really?
MYRNA: Really. Why?
SAMANTHA: What about that boy you used to play with all the time?
Buttercup’s brother, wasn’t he? Or cousin or something? Archibald,
maybe, or Andrew?
23. MYRNA (V.O.) (softly): Adam. His name was Adam. Once he turned
Teen, he never spoke to me again. And every time I called, he wasn’t
available. (sadly) Nobody is unavailable for five years running.
SAMANTHA (V.O.): Did he make you happy?
MYRNA (V.O.): Yes. He did.
24. SAMANTHA: Well, it’s just as well he’s out of the picture, then. Love’s
not about being happy.
MYRNA (surprised): It isn’t?
SAMANTHA: No. Love is suffering. Agony. Torment. And misery. If
you expect your man to make you happy, then you’re just being selfish.
Here, this book will explain it all. (hands Myrna a copy of “The
Gloaming”) I want that back when you’re done with it, by the way.
25. BUTTERCUP: Okay. So?
ALBERT: Huh?
BUTTERCUP: So where are you taking me to discuss the ins and outs of
this tax stuff? I thinking I could use some accounting advice after all.
ALBERT: I’m taking you somewhere? Oh! Right. How do you feel about
the Happy Rooster?
BUTTERCUP: It’s a good place for a first date. Nice choice.
ALBERT: First – ? Oh! Right, right, good. Glad you approve.
26. MYRNA: I can’t believe I’ve been so selfish! So naïve! How could I think
that I could make my own decisions and take care of myself? I really do
need a man to tell me what to do and how to do it. My goodness, I’m
amazed anyone was willing to be seen with someone as selfish and naïve
as me! Now… How to go about finding a man to take care of me?
27. OLD ADAM: Good evening.
MYRNA: Hi.
OLD ADAM: May I ask if you have anyone courting you?
MYRNA (very surprised): A boyfriend? No, I don’t. Why?
28. OLD ADAM: Then will you marry me? (quickly) I should tell you that
I’m a man of property. Many people prize that.
MYRNA: Marry you? I mean, I’d like to get married, but we haven’t even
been introduced. Shouldn’t you be asking someone else?
OLD ADAM: O Myrna, have I really changed so much? Do you not
recognize your old friend Adam?
29. MYRNA: Adam? Old Adam Shankel? (with surprise and delight) Is it
really you?
OLD ADAM: Yes, it is really I, Myrna.
MYRNA: Oooh, it’s so good to see you! (hugs Adam enthusiastically,
steps back) Wow, you’ve really grown!
OLD ADAM: Yes, I have grown. But I have not grown out of my
childhood love for you, Myrna, and I have been waiting for a night when I
might make my love known to you at last.
MYRNA: Why night? (realizing) Oh, you’re a vampire!
OLD ADAM: I am indeed.
MYRNA: And you love me?
OLD ADAM: I do.
30. MYRNA: Will you get angry with me? Be silent? Brooding? Will there
always be an unhealthy undercurrent of domestic violence in our
relationship – will you only hurt me because you love me and routinely
ignore my wishes because you know what’s best for me? In short, will you
make my life full of misery and suffering?
31. OLD ADAM (shocked): Myrna, not for worlds would I ever hurt you! I
would endeavor to fill your every waking moment with the blissful
happiness you deserve!
MYRNA: Oh. (sadly) But love is supposed to be agony and despair and
heartache. If I marry you, I will be blissfully happy, and that isn’t real
love. It would be selfish of me, and it wouldn’t be fair to you.
OLD ADAM: Well, no… But Myrna – !
32. MYRNA: No, Adam. I’m sorry. (brightening a little) But while we’re
apart, we’ll be miserable and in agony. And that’s true love. We can never
do anything about it, but we’ll be experiencing real, true, heartbreaking
love, and there isn’t anything better than that. So let’s say goodbye now.
OLD ADAM (sadly): Goodbye, Myrna, my own! My heart will forever be
yours!
MYRNA: And my heart is yours too, Adam! I will miss you something
awful! (nearly in tears) Isn’t love wonderful?
Oh, my heart is breaking for them! Let’s look at something happy for a
minute.
33. Water balloon fights! Everyone likes water balloon fights, right? Certainly
that’s how Eddie makes most of his friends for the Greek House. He could
have asked Cole here to pledge, but ended up asking Jay to pledge as
placeholder instead.
34. This is a decision he probably still regrets.
JAY: Eddie, can I give you a back rub?
EDGAR: No.
JAY: Please?
EDGAR: No. Jay, my autonomous gender preference is for females. Isn’t
yours?
JAY (whines): I don’t care right now! I’m Family, Eddie, and I need to
have a meaningful interaction with someone right now or I’m going to go
into aspiration failure!
EDGAR: How would this be in any way meaningful, Jay?
Buttercup is much better at discouraging pests.
35. OAKAPPLE: …They persecute me, I tell you! I can’t get a minute to
myself. You have no idea how awful it is to be followed around by a
gaggle of lovesick girls. I bet you’re glad you don’t have to worry about
that, aren’tcha, Al?
BUTTERCUP: Why wouldn’t he have to worry about that?
OAKAPPLE (backpedaling quickly): Oh, I just meant – I mean, I didn’t –
I – Look, I’m not at my best right now. This persecution, it –
BUTTERCUP (disgusted): Oh, go raffle yourself off, for all I care! Your
“persecution” is your own damn fault, and you know it!
OAKAPPLE: I –
BUTTERCUP: Scram!
36. However, there are some pests Eddie has no problem getting rid of.
COW MASCOT: Bbbbbbuuuutttttt yyyyyyyou haaaaaave ttttttttttennnn
Nnnnnniccccce pppppoinnnnntttttssssss!
EDGAR: Sure do. And yet I stomp on roaches, too. (politely) Thank you
for the skill point. You can leave now.
And speaking of Eddie, let’s check on his siblings.
37. DESCARTES: Whoa, hey – what’s going on here?
BRENDA: We’re playing Myshuno for charity. Two dollars a game
board.
ABBEY: We could win fabulous prizes!
(All girls giggle)
38. DESCARTES: Yeah? Like what? I think I’ve got two bucks on me
somewhere…
OAKAPPLE: Sorry, Descartes. Ladies only.
LOUISE: He’s the grand prize!
HEATHER: Isn’t it fantastic?
39. DESCARTES: You’re raffling off yourself?!
OAKAPPLE: I have been cruelly rejected by the love of my life, so why
not? (turning back to the girls) Ready, ladies? First call –
MYRNA: Oakapple?
OAKAPPLE (eagerly): Yes, Myrna? You want a game board? Here, take
a dozen!
40. MYRNA: No, no game board. It’s just – If you still want me, I’ll – (deep
breath, steels herself) I’ll marry you.
41. OAKAPPLE: Ha ha! I knew it! I knew it! You really wanted me all along!
– Raffle’s off, everyone! Tough luck.
MYRNA: No, you’re wrong. I don’t want you. I never did. But to love is
to suffer – happiness is selfish. (sighs dejectedly) And with you, I will be
thoroughly miserable.
42. (Oakapple blinks at her uncomprehendingly)
OAKAPPLE: Ooooookay… As long as you’re proposing to me, I don’t
really care. Ladies, if you’d please clear the area…?
ABBEY: Hey! This is not fair!
SAMANTHA: Cheater!
LOUISE: I want a refund!
(More yelling, louder and angrier)
43. OLD ADAM: I beg your pardon, but would you mind terribly keeping the
noise down?
SAMANTHA: A vampire! He’s a vampire!
OLD ADAM: Yes, I am a vampire. But even vampires need to study –
ALL OF OAKAPPLE’S FANGIRLS: We love you!
46. OLD ADAM: They love me? Crapnuggets, crapnuggets, crapnuggets!
And on that note, I will leave you. Tune in next week for Act II of Myrna,
or, Oakapple’s Own.
