2. NARRATOR (V.O.): Previously on Goldberg & Silent
Lady...
EMMA
Is that any way to talk after all I did for you?
GOLDBERG
Getting me into a party isn’t much of a burden.
EMMA
I’m your mother!
GOLDBERG
Technically.
3. GOLDBERG
I couldn’t find your... property. Maybe you should
try another agency in the future.
ÆLFRIC
I see.
ÆLFRIC glances at SILENT LADY. SILENT LADY glares
back and lifts her chin.
ÆLFRIC
Very good, Mr. Goldberg. Thank you for the refund.
Good day to you... both.
8. GOLDBERG AND SILENT LADY is brought to you by:
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trash, garbage, rubbish, debris, construction and
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Available from Retail Sims.
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It’s a Dumpster. You need it.
Available from Mod The Sims.
(Crates aren’t included with this either.)
11. GOLDBERG’S OFFICE
GOLDBERG is looking through some papers. ALISSA comes
in.
ALISSA
Hi!
GOLBERG looks up.
GOLDBERG
Alissa? Don’t you have school?
12. ALISSA
Yes, but it’s my free period. And –
GOLDBERG
Does your mother know you’re here?
ALISSA
She said I could ask you. And she’s your mother too.
GOLDBERG
What’s your question?
13. ALISSA
Will you come to my party? It’s next week. Thursday.
Mom’s going to order the cake from Jaquet’s, and
Josie’s Reluctant Swain will be playing, and we’ve
got these great party favors all picked out, and I
really really want you to be there because it’s my
sixteenth birthday and it’s really really special!
You have to come! Say you’ll come!
GOLDBERG
Well, I...
14. ALISSA
Oh please? Please please please?
GOLDBERG
See, the job isn’t predictable...
ALISSA’S face falls.
16. SILENT LADY taps on the door.
GOLDBERG
(to SILENT LADY)
Is that my appointment? Send them in.
ALISSA gets up to leave.
17. FRONT OFFICE
ALISSA passes SILENT LADY.
ALISSA
You’ll make him come, won’t you?
SILENT LADY winks at ALISSA and puts her finger to
her lips.
18. ALISSA
Promise?
SILENT LADY nods as CARL passes her and enters
GOLDBERG’S office.
19. GOLDBERG’S OFFICE
GOLDBERG
Have a seat, Mr. – er –
CARL
Yeoman. Carl Yeoman. I – It’s about my boy. Leif.
GOLDBERG
How can I help?
CARL
Well, it ain’t right. He come home in a box, Mr.
Goldberg. And they say there ain’t nothing can be
done. And that’s why.
20. GOLDBERG
Ah-huh.
CARL
See, he come to the city coz he thought he’d fit in
better here. Coz there’s other people like him here.
It’s a small place we – I – live in, Mr. Goldberg,
and a boy who likes boys ain’t exactly common. And
folk can be kinda cruel about it. And when you like,
uh –
GOLDBERG
“Humans”? It’s okay. I know what I am.
21. CARL
I din’t care. He’s – he were – my boy. But he come
back in a box. And what I wanna know is who put him
in the box and see them get what’s comin’ to them.
GOLDBERG
Shouldn’t you be talking to the police about this?
CARL
They’re the ones what sent him back to me. In the
box. They din’t care, Mr. Goldberg, but I heard good
things bout you from my friends what you defended
that time, and I brung money.
22. CARL places large pile of small denomination coins
and a photo of his son on the desk.
CARL
I know you got a real fancy office, and it prolly
ain’t much to you, but this here’s my life savings,
Mr. Goldberg. Will you help me find the person what
put my Leif in the box?
23. GOLDBERG looks at the photo, looks at the money, and
passes the money back.
CARL
Oh, but Mr. Goldberg –
GOLDBERG
I doubt I’m going to find anything if the police
couldn’t. So I find something, then we talk money.
24. CARL
But I got to pay you!
CARL pushed the money forward again. GOLDBERG takes
one coin off the top and pushes it back.
GOLDBERG
There, that’s a retainer. Do you have a place to
stay?
CARL
Well...
25. GOLDBERG stands and walks over to the door.
GOLDBERG
Silent Lady, can you get Mr. Yeoman a room at the
Hostlery, please?
CARL
Thank you, Mr. Goldberg! Thank you, thank you!
26. MURAKAME’S OFFICE
MURAKAME
Leif Yeoman? I mean, I wasn’t really involved in
that.
GOLDBERG
But he went home in a box?
MURAKAME
What there was left of him, yeah.
GOLDBERG
And nobody investigated?
27. MURAKAME
What’s to investigate? They found him in a dumpster
in the Tar Pit, Goldberg, half eaten by rats. And
when they went to ID him, it turns out he’s just
another streetwalker. Okay, it’s sad, but do you know
how many of those we get a week? We just don’t have
the manpower, and nobody cares.
GOLDBERG
His father cares.
28. MURAKAME
And his father hired you. That’s great. You can do
what we can’t. Tell you what: I’ll loan you his file,
okay? And if you find who did it, I will arrest them
and throw the book at them. But it’s murder season
right now, what with the heat and all, and I just
don’t have the time.
GOLDBERG
I always thought you were a good cop.
29. MURAKAME
I am a good cop. And right now, I’m a good cop with
ten other murders, including a fifteen-year-old girl.
You want the file or not?
GOLDBERG
Yeah. Thanks.
30. GOLBERG AND SILENT LADY is brought to you by:
The “Love” posebox. By Gui.
Available from http://gui.magique.free.fr/blog
Look under “Downloads”
31. And by:
The “Let It Bleed” posebox. By Gui.
Available from http://gui.magique.free.fr/blog
Look under “Downloads”
32. GOLDBERG’S OFFICE
GOLDBERG and SILENT LADY are looking at the crime
scene photos and reading LEIF’S file while eating
Chinese food. SILENT LADY taps a picture with one
chopstick.
GOLDBERG
Yeah, there were a lot of parts missing. Rats. (looks
at his food) Maybe I shouldn’t be eating while we do
this.
SILENT LADY frowns and taps the picture again, and
then taps the lab report.
33. GOLDBERG
“Missing body parts: blah blah blah index finger.”
Yes, that’s in the picture, too. Rats, I told you.
(looks at his food again) This really was a mistake.
SILENT LADY taps the picture again: one, two, three,
four. She waves her chopstick quizzically.
GOLDBERG
You know, I hadn’t noticed that. The rest of the
hand’s there. Why is just that finger missing?
SILENT LADY taps the lab report, farther down.
34. GOLDBERG
“The index finger may have been removed after death,
although the condition of the body makes this
difficult to determine.” (looks at his food, then
puts it down) Yeah, I’m not hungry anymore. Let’s go
see where he was found.
35. ALLEYWAY
GOLDBERG and SILENT LADY are looking at the dumpster.
GOLDBERG
It’s a dumpster.
SILENT LADY nods.
GOLDBERG
In an alley.
SILENT LADY nods again.
36. GOLDBERG
Just like all the other alleys in the city. I bet
they didn’t search it, either.
SILENT LADY shakes her head. GOLDBERG begins rolling
up his sleeves; SILENT LADY pulls two pairs of latex
gloves out of her purse.
AMADO
What are you doing here?
GOLDBERG turns.
37. AMADO
I said, what are you doing here?
GOLDBERG
Easy, now. We’re just looking around.
AMADO
Not with those gloves you’re not. You’re looking for
something. What are you looking for?
GOLDBERG
A body was found here –
38. AMADO
What do you care? What are you looking for?
GOLDBERG
Anything that would help find out who did it. Do you
maybe know something?
39. AMADO opens his mouth, thinks better of it, turns,
and runs. GOLDBERG and SILENT LADY look at each other
and then run after him.
40. STREET CORNER
GOLDBERG squats, breathing heavily.
GOLDBERG
Lost him! Corrupted files!
SILENT LADY rolls her eyes and goes over to one of
the streetwalkers on the corner, who is watching with
interest.
41. STREETWALKER
Hi, honey. You both looking, or just him?
SILENT LADY shows STREETWALKER the photo of LEIF.
42. STREETWALKER
Aw, is that Long Wood? Lookit, he’s so cute! Just
like a corn-fed all-star! If that’s the kind of thing
you’re in the market for, you want to try Minotaur.
GOLDBERG
(indicating the picture) You know him?
STREETWALKER
Maybe.
43. GOLDBERG
What’s your usual rate? I’ll pay you that just to answer
a couple questions.
STREETWALKER
Is that what they’re calling it these days? Fifteen
silver.
44. SILENT LADY blows a raspberry.
STREETWALKER
Make that twenty.
GOLDBERG
Pay the – the gentleperson, will you? What can you tell
me about, uh, Long Wood?
45. STREETWALKER
Oh, not a whole lot. We worked different shift, you
know? But I know that’s a good picture of him. They
found him a few streets thataway, you know. Chopped
into little pieces. They say his head had been taken
off and sewn on again. Backwards.
GOLDBERG
It wasn’t.
STREETWALKER
Well, it should have been. (sniffs) It’s a better
story. (as SILENT LADY passes over the money) You
want to talk to Loverboy. He’d know.
46. GOLDBERG
And where would I find him?
STREETWALKER
This time of day? Probably at Stuff That Fell Off The
Back Of A Truck.
47. GOLDBERG AND SILENT LADY is brought to you by:
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Available from Mod The Sims.
52. AMADO looks up, sees who it is, and starts to bolt.
He trips over the chair and
falls on his butt.
53.
54. GREASY SPOON
AMADO is looking at the photo of LEIF.
AMADO
How did you know his name?
GOLDBERG
His father hired us. Me.
AMADO
Why?
55. GOLDBERG
To find who did this to him.
AMADO
But –
AMADO bites his lip and looks down.
GOLDBERG
You were saying?
56. AMADO
We were going to quit, you know. I did quit. I’d
rather file off serial numbers for the rest of my
life than go back to that, even if the money’s
terrible. (pause) We were going to go back to where
he was from and get married. Only he wanted to have
enough money to go back in style, so that nobody
would know what he’d – we’d – used to do. We were
going to grow cows or some censor blur like that.
Esme, I was so stupid!
SILENT LADY touches AMADO lightly on the arm.
57. GOLDBERG
Why were you in the alley today?
AMADO
It’s where they found him. Why were you?
GOLDBERG
We were looking for something. Clues. Tell me, did
Leif have any major injuries?
58. AMADO
...What do you mean?
GOLDBERG
Did he have all his body parts? Fingers, toes, like
that?
AMADO
The last time I saw him alive, yes.
59. GOLDBERG
What do you mean by that?
AMADO
Look, I have to get back to work. Thanks for the
coffee.
60. GOLDBERG’S OFFICE
GOLDBERG
He knows something. He has to know something.
SILENT LADY cocks her head to the left.
GOLDBERG
The boyfriend. Did you hear him? “Alive,” he said.
“Alive.” Does that mean he saw Leif after? (broods
briefly) You’re going to ask him tomorrow.
SILENT LADY points to herself and raises her
eyebrows.
61. GOLDBERG
Yes, you. People like talking to you. They’ll tell
you anything. (grumbles) And I’m the professional.
You’re just my secretary.
SILENT LADY bats her eyelashes at him coquettishly
and blows him a kiss. Then she snorts derisively and
turns to check the messages on the phone.
62. STORE INNER PART
AMADO
You noticed, didn’t you?
SILENT LADY smiles pleasantly and sits, removing one
glove.
AMADO
I could have bitten my tongue off after I said that.
SILENT LADY raises her eyebrows inquiringly and
removes her other glove.
63. AMADO
Well, you could have been anybody.
SILENT LADY nods encouragingly and smoothes her
gloves together.
AMADO
But you’re not. I asked around. Your... boss?
SILENT LADY nods.
64. AMADO
Your boss is good people. Word on the street is
Ælfric Thornleaf doesn’t like him, and that’s
recommendation enough for me.
SILENT LADY sniffs and twists her mouth as if she’s
just smelled something really nasty.
AMADO
So you’re okay. But you might not have been. I could
have signed my own death warrant with that stupid
slip.
68. Until finally...
THE CORNER
STREETWALKER #2
Yeah, it was Opera Mask.
GOLDBERG
Opera Mask?
69. STREETWALKER #2
A lot of the guys who come around here are masked.
They don’t want people to know they like it
different. And one of my regulars wears these masks
from the Chinese opera, you know? There’s a red one
with a white chin, and one with a red butterfly on
it, and one with these lavender ribbons down the
cheeks...
GOLDBERG
And Opera Mask went with Long Wood that night instead
of you.
70. STREETWALKER #2
I was already in the car with another date. I don’t
think Opera Mask saw me, or he’d’ve waited.
GOLDBERG
You think?
71. STREETWALKER #2
Opera Mask likes them dead, mister. He likes to play
that he’s killing me, and he likes me to lie real
still, and he likes to take a trophy afterward.
That’s why I wear this cheap jewelry. There aren’t
too many of us who will let you do that. And there
aren’t too many of us who wouldn’t count as murder if
it went wrong.
GOLDBERG
Because you’re already dead. Do you think Opera Mask
would settle for a live, ah, date?
STREETWALKER #2
No. But I don’t think he’d have any problem with
making them a dead one.
72. STORE INSIDE
AMADO
You don’t understand, Ms. Lady. I saw underneath the
mask.
73. MURAKAME’S OFFICE
MURAKAME
You’re censor blurring me. Mr. Fox?
GOLDBERG
That’s what he said.
MURAKAME
But (imitates his boss) “Mr. Fox is a highly
respected member of our business community.” We can’t
even give the guy a parking ticket! He seriously
likes dead boys?
74. GOLDBERG
And psychics, apparently. He has a Madame Zamboni
around to his apartment every Tuesday to advise him
and a select group of friends.
MURAKAME
I wonder if we could convince her to, ah, “go on
vacation” this week. I could get hold of a wire...
GOLDBERG
Way ahead of you.
75. MR. FOX’S APARTMENT
MR. FOX
Hi. You must be Saiai-san. Madame Zamboni said to
expect you.
AMADO
Hai. [Yes.]
MR. FOX
Who are these two?
AMADO waves a hand dismissively and pushes past MR.
FOX into the apartment.
76. AMADO
Oni okami gozai mas arrigato. (claps hands
imperiously) Mina! [Demon waitress very much thank
you. Everybody! ...AMADO does not speak Japanese.]
GOLDBERG
Saisai-sama speaks only Japanese. We are his
assistants.
77. GOLDBERG and MURAKAME bustle about setting up while
AMADO stares over everyone’s heads in the manner of
someone who is forced to put up with substandard
conditions.
GUEST #1
Look! (points to MURAKAME) He’s got a real kitsune!
78. MURAKAME turns and bows to GUEST #1.
MURAKAME
Anata ha anata oroka sa ha minikui desu. [You are as
ugly as you are stupid. ...Murakame does speak
Japanese.]
79. Once the table is set up, AMADO sits, waving a hand
at everyone else.
AMADO
Sama hai negi negi baka. [Lord yes onion onion
idiot.] (goes into a “trance,” complete with head-
rolling, groans, and general unearthly noises)
GOLDBERG
The spirits are entering Saisai-sama now.
80. AMADO
Baka ai negi negi baka! [Idiot love onion onion
idiot.] There is one here – one who is powerful – one
who is handsome – one who is loved and respected by
all who meet him –
GUEST #2
That sounds like George, all right.
AMADO
One who I saw in a dream – in the night –
81. AMADO (V.O.)
In an alley –
AMADO is taking a leak up against the debris.
95. MR. FOX
Yeah, that’ll do. (tugs at LEIF’S ring) Come on...
(tugs harder) Come on! (tugs, then pulls out the
knife again) This should do it.
96. MR. FOX struggles to cut LEIF’S finger off, and
stumbles when it unexpectedly comes free, dropping
the finger and kicking it as he recovers.
MR. FOX
Corrupted files! Where is it? (takes off his mask to
look)
99. MR. FOX
It was not so! (catches sight of his guest’s
horrified faces) It is not so! Esme forbid it should
be so!
100. AMADO
Oh yeah? Then where did I get that? (throws LEIF’S
finger on the table)
101. SCREAMS, SHOUTS, and GENERAL HYSTERIA from the
GUESTS.
MR. FOX
Oh, woohoo. I should have looked harder.
102. MURAKAME
Sounds like a confession to me. George Fox, I’m
arresting you for the murder of Leif Yeoman –
MR. FOX
It wasn’t like that. You’ve got it all wrong!
AMADO
(sighs and slumps in his chair)
103. GUEST #3 tugs GOLDBERG’S sleeve.
GUEST #3
Does Saisai-san do parties?
104. GOLDBERG AND SILENT LADY is brought to you by:
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105. And by:
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106. GOLDBERG’S OFFICE
GOLDBERG
Mr. Yeoman, I’d like you to meet Amado, er...
CARL
Are you – Did you – Were you and Leif – ?
AMADO
Yeah.
107. CARL
So, uh, you got family round here or somethin’?
AMADO
Nope.
CARL
Coz, uh, there’s room at the farm. If there ain’t
nowhere else you got to be...
AMADO
Growing cows?
108. CARL
We-ell, cowplants is kinda tricky in the soil round
us. Eggplant and cucumber, mostly, but I got me a
couple apple trees too.
AMADO
I can’t...
109. CARL
Only, see, if you ‘n’ Leif’d made it official first,
there wouldn’ta been any question, yeah? You’d be
family. And family is family. And I reckon you’re
family anyhow, even if it weren’t officially
official, so...
AMADO
Could we maybe put in some strawberries, too?
CARL
Well, I don’t see why not..
110. CARL and AMADO leave, making plans for the future.
GOLDBERG watches them, then says without turning:
GOLDBERG
Cancel my appointments for Thursday evening, will
you?
SILENT LADY rolls her eyes.
111. GOLDBERG’S MOTHER’S HOUSE, EXTERIOR, EVENING
PEPPY TEEN MUSIC plays in the distance
GOLDBERG
Well, this is it.
SILENT LADY nods.
GOLDBERG
Family is family, right?
112. SILENT LADY gives GOLDBERG an encouraging punch on
the arm. GOLDBERG takes a deep breath, pastes on a
smile, and walks towards the house. PEPPY TEEN MUSIC
gets louder.
113. As SILENT LADY watches him go, she smiles. Fade up
“You And Me” by Josie’s Reluctant Swain as credits
roll.
114. NOTES
You may recognize the basic plot of this story. It’s
commonly known as “The Robber Bridegroom” or
sometimes “Mr. Fox.” I can’t come up with plots on my
own, but this is a folktale and has been in the
public domain since I don’t know when.
My Sims have their own special swearing vocabulary.
You can probably figure it out from context, but if
you can’t, just ask.
“Josie’s Reluctant Swain” is not a real band.
Any custom content not advertised in the commercial
breaks is listed on my LiveJournal: tag “wcif”.
